


Chalk Outline

by Nygma42, Oswald_Nygmobblepot



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-23
Updated: 2018-02-19
Packaged: 2018-04-16 18:07:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 73
Words: 228,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4635069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nygma42/pseuds/Nygma42, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oswald_Nygmobblepot/pseuds/Oswald_Nygmobblepot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Snape has the opportunity to go back in time and fix the mistakes he made. The question is, will he make the right decisions this time around? ((This is a repost of our fanfic from ff.net - this story does belong to us, we are not stealing it, simply reposting it on another site for people who prefer AO3))</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1976

Chalk Outline 

Chapter 1  
"You left me here like a chalk outline  
On the sidewalk waiting for the rain  
To wash away, to wash away  
You keep coming back to the scene of the crime  
But the dead can't speak and there's nothing left to say anyway  
All you left behind  
Is a chalk outline"  
\- Three Days Grace

The darkness was suffocating, pressing in on each side of him, constricting his movements. His body felt like a weight too heavy to lift or move. The darkness was like an unstoppable force, his body an immovable object, leaving both at a standstill of pressure that was indescribable. 

The air around him seemed thick, leaving him unable to breath. The pain in his throat extended through his nerves, his entire body wracked with pain, his lungs burning from lack of air. Is this what death feels like? 

Severus struggled to raise his arms, bringing his hands to his throat, feeling the thick wetness of blood dripping from the gaping hole in his neck. Why? 

That was the ultimate question. Why? His death served no purpose. Though ... he supposed he did deserve it. After all that he's done. After all the mistakes he's made ... the good he did made little difference. Perhaps this was hell. This was where he belonged. 

"Severus." He heard his name whispered from all directions, though he did not know where it had come from. "Severus." Albus .... The voice he was sure he'd never hear again, not anywhere but from a portrait, fictional ... a memory. 

"Albus?" Severus asked, though his voice came out naught but silence. "Albus." He said once again. There was no sound in this place. Nothing but Dumbledore's voice whispering his name. 

"Severus." Severus paused, his hands still gripping his throat fell back against ... whatever it was he seemed to be laying on .... He didn't know. 

That voice though .... that voice was not Dumbledore's .... That voice was female ... and familiar. He tried to open his eyes, but he could not. "Severus." The voice came again. 

Minerva. No .... He felt his heart break. No, she couldn't be dead. Not Minerva. He felt tears spring to his eyes and he struggled to move. No, not her .... Who would take care of the students? 

"Severus, open your eyes." Albus said quietly. I'm trying! Severus' mind screamed, where his voice could not. "Severus." 

Suddenly, as if a bucket of cold water had been splashed over him, Severus was free. The darkness faded, the pain stopped. He opened his eyes and sat straight up, gasping for breath as if he'd been drowning, which he practically had been. 

"Severus." The voice was louder now. Less hollow. He looked around, his sight to blurred to take in his surroundings, but it was bright. "Severus, calm down. You're alright now." 

"Minerva?" He asked, looking at her blurred form. He shook his head and moved his head down into his hands, rubbing his eyes. Why couldn't he see straight. 

"Severus, be respectful." Albus said, gently. "You have been through a great deal Severus. Do you know where you are?" Severus took a few moments, his hands rubbing his eyes as he tried to clear them. He opened his eyes again, and looked around. The hospital wing?

"Am I dead?" He asked quietly. Albus chuckled slightly. 

"No ... no my boy you are not. Do you remember what happened?" Albus asked quietly, sitting down on the edge of Severus' bed. He glanced at Albus. He wasn't dead? But ... how can that be? 

"Do I ... Do I remember?" He asked, confused as to what Albus meant. Of course he remembered. How could he not remember. The huge snake coming at him, with nowhere to escape, the magic holding his arms to his sides as the snake sunk it's huge fangs into his soft flesh. How could he not remember. 

"I ... I remember ..." Severus said shakily. "I remember being in the shrieking shack." He looked around the hospital wing, white and cold as it always had been. Why was he here? Had he survived? No ... Albus was dead. So .... how? 

"Yes, Mr. Snape. You were in the shrieking shack. I have no doubts that you are in shock my boy." Albus said quietly as to not disturb the other patients. "You followed Mr. Lupin into the shrieking shack last night. Mr. Potter came and saved you, luckily." Severus looked at him confused. 

"Lupin?" He asked. "Lupin wasn't ...." He paused. Followed Lupin into the shrieking shack? Lupin was long since dead before he'd gone to the shack, but .... He looked back at Albus. No ... it couldn't be. 

"Um ... Al- ... Headmaster .... to which Potter are you referring?" Severus asked. He felt a hand move to his head, checking for a fever. 

"Severus. Are you alright?" Albus asked, true concern on his face. "We only have one Potter in this school." 

"Which?" Severus asked, not getting an actual answer from the man. 

"Mr. James Potter." Albus said, even more confused than before. Severus looked down at the bed, to his hands. He took everything in as best as he can. Albus was alive, James and Lupin where in the shrieking shack. All three of these men were dead ... He knew they were dead. 

"Severus, you've been unconscious for three days. I have no doubt that you are confused, my boy. Please ... lay down and rest for a while." Severus then noticed something else. Something he hadn't noticed before. 

His hands. 

He lifted his hands and stared at them. It wasn't his hands themselves that confused him. It was the lack of scars, and calluses from years of potion making. The thinness of the digits. His eyes trailed over his arms down to his own body. He was at least fifty pounds lighter than he had been mere moments ago. 

"No ...." Severus muttered, almost in reply to what Albus was saying. "I .... I have to go to the bathroom." This couldn't be right. He had to be wrong. 

"Of course." Albus said standing from the bed. He reached down to help Severus up but Severus waved him off. 

"I'm fine." he said slowly sitting up and moving towards the bathroom. He closed the door quietly behind him and looked into the mirror. What looked back at him, was a shock. 

He seemed to be fifteen or sixteen at most. He was in the past. Albus and Minerva were both alive. He'd followed Lupin into the shrieking shack last night, Potter had saved him. So he was in his fifth year, about a week away from his OWL, if his memory served. He felt like screaming, but he held the urge back. No doubt that would send Albus, Minerva and Poppy in here without hesitation. 

He leaned back against the wall. "I'm sixteen." He said staring at the sink's lower cabinet in front of him. "I'm sixteen." It was a fact, but it wasn't sinking in. "I'm sixteen." He said over and over again. "How?" Severus asked, leaning his head back against the wall. He could feel tears running down his cheeks, though why he could not understand. Was it fear? Pain? Happiness? Severus paused. Why would it be happiness? He had to live his entire shitty life all over again - but ... A week before his OWL ... that means ... 

"Lily!" Severus cried out loudly. She was still alive. She wasn't mad at him. At least ... not to the point of giving up on him. She could still forgive him. He could change! He had changed! He didn't need to change, he was different already but ..... to her he would change ... 

This was the second chance Severus had always wanted. But .... Severus paused, his heart sinking suddenly. "This can't be real. This has to be a dream." Severus said staring at the cupboard once more. "How can this be real? It's impossible to go back in time without a time turner, and all of those had been destroyed by Ministry of Magic. So how?" Severus felt his stomach turning in knots. The more he thought about it, the sicker he felt, until a few moments later Severus was leaning over the toilet, expelling what little was in his stomach. 

\- - -

Lily was in the library when Professor McGonagall came to tell her that Severus was finally awake.  
As angry as she had been with him lately, she had still found herself dropping by over the past three days, to see if there was any change. There hadn't been. What could have done this to him? She'd heard rumors that he'd been out near the Whomping Willow... But that made no bloody sense. Sev may have been infuriating lately, but he had never been stupid. If Potter and Co. knew anything, they weren't talking. And of course, she had no way of finding out whether any of those pureblood fanatics Sev had been hanging around had anything to do with it. Honestly, what else did he expect, falling in with that lot? Nothing good could come of it, and if he insisted on acting like a complete git when she knew he was better than that...

Nonetheless, she dropped everything and ran straight to the Hospital Wing.

When she arrived, she was panting, hair disheveled. She'd found herself running the whole way, and the stairs had picked the worst possible moment to be uncooperative.

She slowed down as she approached the door, however; Madame Pomfrey would never tolerate racing into the Hospital Wing like that.  
She entered, and softly:  
"Sev?" 

Dumbledore looked up at Lily from where he sat on Severus' bed. Severus looked at her, a look of fear and shock on his face. He was sure he looked quite a bit upset, though he was sure that Dumbledore would take it as from what was just discussed. 

He remembered this ... being a traumatized sixteen year old boy, being told he couldn't talk to anyone, being told by the headmaster himself that virtually his own life meant less than another boys attendance in this school. 

It seemed so trivial now ... Everything had changed. 

Severus watched her as she stood in the door way. "Lily?" He asked, as if he'd never seen her before. As if he were seeing a ghost. Dumbledore cleared his throat and looked to Severus, who was keeping his occlumency shields up undetected. No sense in the old man seeing the future so to speak. 

"I'll leave you two to catch up then." He said, looking at Severus. "I trust we are in agreement." 

Severus looked up at him, and did his best to sneer at the old man, but found that he could not muster the ability to do so. Dumbledore was alive. He hadn't killed him. Yet. 

"Of course, Headmaster." He said quietly. 

The way Severus looked at her just now... He seemed... shocked. Was he that surprised to see her here? Did he really think that just because she'd been angry with him lately that she wouldn't come? Lily felt hurt at the idea. But no, surely he knew better than that. And... and there was something else there, too.  
Sev was afraid.

Afraid of what? Of what had happened to him? What had Dumbledore been talking to him about, anyway?

Lily walked over to Severus's bedside, and gently put her hand over his. She still wasn't sure what condition he was in, and needed to be careful.  
"Sev," she asked quietly. "Are you alright? What happened to you?" 

Severus watched her from where he sat leaning against the head board. She was sitting here with him ... she was touching his hand .... she was concerned for him ... This was too much. 

"It doesn't matter." He said looking at her, feeling tears spring to his eyes but he would not allow them to fall. As much as he wanted to just break down and weep, that would not help anything. He pulling his hand away from hers and lifted his bandaged hand to her face, his fingers brushing against her cheek. "I'm so sorry." He whispered. It was the words that he'd wanted to say to her for over twenty years. The words he'd lost the chance to say. She wouldn't even know what he was apologizing for ... but it didn't matter. He got to say it. He moved away from the head board and pulled her into a hug, a few tears finally falling down his cheeks. "I'm so sorry." 

Lily stared back at him, bewildered. What did he mean, 'It doesn't matter'? He'd been in a bloody coma, for Merlin's sake, leaving her worried sick, with no answers and not a thing she could do to help. How could that not matter? And since when did Severus apologize for anything? Ever?

And... and... were those tears in his eyes?

"Severus," Lily started. "What--"

And then he pulled her into a hug.

Lily was still for a moment, out of sheer confusion.

Then, hesitantly, she hugged him back. "It's... it's alright, Sev," she said, because she had no idea what else to say. "Everything's going to be okay."

Whatever he'd been through had really done a number on him. Sure, she'd been a bit cross with him lately, but... nothing to merit tearful apologies, not from Severus of all people. She just hugged him for awhile, since that was what he apparently needed, before finally saying:

"Um... Seriously, though... What happened to you?" 

"I ... I can't tell you." He said leaning back against the bed again after reluctantly letting her go. "Dumbledore asked me not to speak of it to anyone. Though ... I'm sure I'll tell you when there aren't so many listening ears." He said with a genuine smile on his face. He was sure she thought he'd gone nuts, but he couldn't help himself. He was sitting here with Lily Evans who has yet to be a Potter ... and better yet, is not yet to the point of not forgiving him. 

"I missed you." He said quietly, though the words seemed to escape his mouth before he could stop himself. "I'm sorry ... I'm .... acting strange." He said, trying to find a reason for it, an explanation that she would believe that wasn't far from the truth. "Lets just say I ... I had a bad dream ... I'm ... glad it's over though." 

...And now he was smiling. Really smiling. That was rare on a normal occasion, even more so lately. Had Madame Pomfrey given him some kind of potion? One with side effects like drastic mood swings?

Whatever had happened, it had to be pretty serious for Dumbledore to swear him to secrecy... He hadn't had some kind of near death experience, had he? She had heard that those could affect some people strangely... If that was the case, though, was Severus still in danger? No, surely Dumbledore would... would do something? 

Sev's next comment had her staring at him in confusion.

"A... three-day-long bad dream?" she asked. "Actually, that does sound really awful."

She took his hand in hers again. "You are acting pretty strange," she managed a smile. "But at least you're alright now. You had me worried sick, you know."

Lily glanced around, and lowered her voice conspiratorially.  
"And you'd better tell me what happened later. Not knowing has been driving me completely mental." 

Severus nodded and whipped the tears from his eyes. "I will ... just ... not now." He said, not bothering to correct her. Three days? It was over twenty years. "After I get out of here, do you want to go to the library? It's quiet in there and we can talk. We'll just look like we're studying right?" He asked. He really didn't need to study, he'd ace every single on of his exams, blind folded with both arms crossed. But he had to keep up appearances. 

Severus wondered if he should be keeping this from Dumbledore. Should he tell him? He knew if he told Dumbledore it would be as good as signing himself into the Order ... he didn't want that. He didn't want to be involved. Not this time around. 

Lily nodded. "Sounds like a plan." She smiled slightly. "Maybe we could even get some actual studying in too, while we're at it? OWLs are next week, and you've lost three whole days' worth of studying."

That, and her own concentration hadn't exactly been in peak condition over the past few days, what with her best friend lying unconscious in the Hospital Wing. 

If he really was still her best friend... Well, right now, it certainly looked that way. He was acting a little strangely, but... but at the same time... could she really have her Sev back? The Sev who kept secrets with her, rather than from her?


	2. The expected becomes unexpected

Chapter 2 

Later that day after Poppy had released Severus from the hospital wing he walked towards Dumbledore's office, his hands shoved in the pockets of his faded gray school uniform pants. He didn't put on his grey jacket this time, even though it was part of the uniform. Just his white shirt and tie, and sweater vest. He was sure that he would get a bit of a scolding from Dumbledore for incorrect decorum, but it didn't matter to him. He wasn't afraid of Dumbledore. The question here was ... how much was he going to tell the old man. 

He walked up to the stone phoenix and looked up at it. "Pigmy Puffs." He said, after a few moments of consideration. Dumbledore's passwords were based on a pattern, and after working for the man for nearly seventeen years, he'd picked up on the pattern. It was nearing the end of June, so his password would be Pigmy Puffs. The phoenix spun and moved upwards, Snape jumping up onto the stair as it moved up, so that he would not have to climb the stairs. 

Once he reached the top he moved forward through the hallway and raised his hand to the door. He was so used to just coming into Albus' office, he didn't even realize until it was to late that a student knowing Albus' office password would be ... unusual. 

Albus Dumbledore heard the stone stairwell shift, and footsteps approach his office door, before pausing, as if the person on the other side, so confident moments ago, was suddenly unsure whether he should be there.

Curious indeed. Albus raised an eyebrow.

"Do come in, Mr. Snape," he called out serenely, as if students just wandered their way in all the time.  
Given the time, it was almost undoubtedly the young Slytherin. Though how he had known the password, was still a mystery.

Albus straightened his robes and settled into a chair behind his desk. 

Severus paused, his hand raised to knock and swallowed loudly. His hand shaking slightly. This was different than the first time he'd seen Albus in the hospital wing. This was him, going to see Albus. Albus, who had been dead for over a year, by his own hand. He closed his eyes and licked his lips. He lowered his hand down to the handle and twisted. Fear gripping him that this was all a dream. That he'd open the door and Albus' portrait would be on the wall. The sound of the Carrows down in the court yards torturing his students. 

No ... that was the past. Or ... the future .... Severus didn't want to get involved in this again. He'd done his time. But .... he could not allow that future to come to pass. He could not allow Voldemort to take over this school. He could not allow Voldemort to kill Lily or James, or allow Bellatrix to torture Neville's parents into insanity. No .... he could not stand idly by and watch as the people around him withered and fell. He was not the Severus he had been when he had been a boy ... No one cared about him, he had long since grown used to that ... but he could not allow the people that mattered in this world to fall .... not when he could stop it. No matter the burden, the weight, he put on himself. 

He opened his eyes and turned the door knob and stepped quietly into the room. "Headmaster." Severus greeted, rather nervously. 

Albus studied the boy's face as he entered.

He was nervous, afraid. And, after his ordeal, he had every reason to be. Perhaps he thought that he was in disciplinary trouble on top of that. Of course, he had been through enough already, and Albus did not wish to worsen that... But this would still be an extremely unpleasant conversation. What Albus was about to require of Snape was fundamentally unfair. And young people always keenly felt when they were being treated unfairly. Unfortunately, there was no choice.

"Please," Albus said with a small smile. "Sit down." He gestured to a chair across the desk from him.

"You are quite on time. Though I must ask," he looked at Snape over the rims of his half-moon spectacles. "How did you know the password for my office?" 

Severus opened his mouth to speak before he closed it again, he licked his lips before he spoke. "Lucky guess, I suppose." He said, though he knew Albus would know he was lying. He could feel the man probing at his mind, and put up his occlumency shields. He didn't want Albus knowing anything that that he didn't want him to know. 

"You asked me to come here for a reason I believe?" Still in character for this age, and yet, straight to the point. He wanted to get this conversation over with, so that he could go and think about how much he wanted to tell him. He needed time to think, get his information straight without providing anything Albus shouldn't know. 

For the second time since their initial talk in the Hospital Wing, Albus encountered a highly complex set of Occlumency shields, startlingly advanced for the boy's age. If his marks in his classes were any indication, Severus Snape was uncommonly bright, or at least uncommonly studious. Yet to possess the concentration for such effective Occlumency at so young an age... Was the boy always this guarded, or was there something specific that he wanted to hide? While Snape certainly seemed to be the naturally mistrusting type, he clearly did not wish the Headmaster to know how he had accessed his office. 

Albus raised an eyebrow. "Or perhaps an educated guess," he said mildly. "That is often more effective... But you are right. I digress from the subject at hand."

Not without pity, Albus fixed a direct stare at the young Slytherin. "Mr. Snape, you remember that earlier I told you not to speak of what happened in the Shrieking Shack, or of what you saw. I am going to have to ask that you continue to keep Mr. Lupin's secret indefinitely."

He waited for the boy's questions, or an outburst of anger or bitterness. Any objections Snape had needed to happen here, where Albus could reason with him, and where no one else would hear. 

Severus nodded. "I understand." He said simply. Before Albus could inquire as to his odd behavior, Severus continued. "There are a multitude of reasons that you could have for keeping me silent. The ones I can figure how ever, or probably only a few. The first of which, Lupin ... would be taken by the ministry and to the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures and would most likely be put to death for the dangers he had posed to a student who was not in fact killed or bitten. The second, Black, would be expelled and would create an outrage with the Black family who hold much power in the wizarding world. The third, and I suppose the most important of all to you, is that you would loose your job. You allowed a werewolf into a school filled with students where he could potentially get out and harm who knows how many children, because you thought it best that he needed an education where as the Ministry does not. So in the end ... I suppose the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. After all ... what am I but an insignificant Slytherin bound to be a death eater? I matter not so long as every one else benefits from it. Who cares if I get thrown under the hippogriff so to speak." 

He knew Albus was going to argue and held his hand up to stop him. "Don't try to deny it. I've long since come to terms with it. My own parents didn't care about me, why should anyone else? I will keep Lupin's secret ... after all ... Keeping secrets is really all I'm good for isn't it?" he said more than asked as he leaned back in his chair. "I mean no disrespect to you, Headmaster. But you always silently accuse anyone in Slytherin of aspiring to be a death eater ... I think perhaps most of the teachers do. But perhaps if you actually stop to think a moment, you'll realize that they do because they have no one else to turn to. Perhaps if you stopped coddling your Gryffindors for five minutes, and actually paid any attention to my house ... You'd realize just how much we need your support instead of your back." 

Albus sat very quietly through the young Slytherin's rant... and listened. The Headmaster had expected and been fully prepared for any number of responses. This was not one of them.

Every single point hit hard. The way he cut through to the heart of the matter, critically analyzing every motive... Severus Snape spoke like a true Slytherin, but certainly not like an average teenager. His cold, political analysis sounded like an adult, fully reasoned and eloquently worded. But underneath it all hung the bitterness of a boy who had been forced to grow up too fast, and was far too intelligent for a world this unfair.

In light of that, his comment about his parents certainly rang true. Had anyone ever cared for this boy? Ever? And with so sharp an intellect, why had Albus never noticed him before? Until now, Severus Snape had barely crossed Albus Dumbledore's awareness, registering only as: 'Slytherin, academically successful, possible Death Eater.'

The boy was absolutely, mercilessly right. Albus liked to think that he cared more than that, for all of his students. That his primary motivation right now was keeping Lupin alive, not keeping his job. But what was the point in arguing that to this bitter young man? Albus had to wonder... what if he had caught notice of Snape sooner? Or others? What if he could have prevented all of this? What if...

For a long, silent moment, Albus stared back at the boy, with an outward expression of calm. But beneath that veneer, Snape's words had genuinely shaken him.

"Severus," Albus said finally. "You have every right to feel as you do. But... this is not the only thing you are angry about, is it." He watched the boy's face carefully and said: "And I am not the only one who has demanded that you keep secrets, am I."

Severus Snape knew something. And, however bitter the boy might be, this could be the first opportunity Albus had to openly discuss the Death Eater problem with a potentially informed student. 

Severus raised his eyebrows at the man. "Oh, I am not angry, Headmaster. But you are correct in your assessment that you are not the only one to ask me to keep secrets. Now your next question you ask, is one you ask yourself. Do you want me as an enemy, or as an ally? I have my secrets Albus, more than Lord Voldemort the one you've told me to keep today. Your actions though ... will determine if I will be willing to share them with you ... or use them against you." He said watching him. He knew he would not use them against Albus, he had every intention of helping the light. The faster Voldemort was defeated the sooner he could start a regular life. Hopefully one with Lily. But if he wanted this to work, he would need Albus' natural curiosity to peak, for Albus to want to dig hard enough. To become desperate enough for the information. 

"I have no doubt that since I've walked into this room you've been trying to use Legilimency on me ... you can save your energy, it will not work. Any information I have, I will give if I determine that you are deserving of this information. Though I will tell you this ... the information I hold, will help you bring the fall of the dark lord. Withholding it, could bring his success." He said watching Albus' reactions. "The ball is in your court as the Muggles say. The next move is yours." He said raising from his seat. He knew from his short discussion here that Albus suspected he wasn't who he was mere days ago. He paused by the door and looked over his shoulder at Albus. "I hope, for both our sakes, and many others ... that your move is the right one." He said before exiting the door and leaving Albus to think it over for himself. 

Oh, the boy certainly knew something.

Could his information really be as crucial as he let on? Could this young man's testimony really undo Lord Voldemort? And if so, how had he come by it? Certainly not in the Slytherin common room; Tom Riddle may be overconfident, but he was certainly not foolish enough to make such sensitive information common knowledge among the new recruits at Hogwarts. And yet...

Where Legilimency failed, Albus could still study Snape's manner, voice, face, and his eyes. Whether or not his information was that important, Severus truly believed that it was. And when a boy this intelligent, this alarmingly perceptive, so strongly believed something, it was worth taking note. While maybe not the absolute key to Voldemort's downfall, Severus Snape's knowledge was an asset that Albus could not afford to lose.

As for whether Albus wanted Snape as an ally or as an enemy... the answer to that was clear enough, if Severus really was giving him the option. Everything about the way the young Slytherin spoke indicated that he would one day be a force to be reckoned with... and was probably one already.

Now that Severus seemed to have recovered from the initial shock of his ordeal, something else was clear: Severus Snape was, on some fundamental level, different than he had been three days ago. Where before he had slouched in the shadows, every movement guarded as if he wished he could disappear... Now there was confidence. Out of nowhere had emerged a young man who was comfortable with himself and his abilities, and cared little for what others might think of him. And that underlying bitterness, while still there, was something Snape had come to terms with and made his own. What else had changed about him? If only Albus had taken notice of him sooner, he might have some clue. But alas, Severus Snape had somehow skirted around the edges of the Headmaster's awareness.

What could have caused such a transformation? What had happened to him out at the Shrieking Shack, while life-changing, was certainly not the sort of experience to inspire confidence. Indeed, confidence like this never simply emerged overnight. It was the sort of confidence that took years to develop.

Over the rims of his half-moon spectacles, Albus scrutinized Severus as he so nonchalantly turned to take his leave.

"I believe," Albus said quietly. "That we shall be having another talk again soon, Severus."

He was fairly certain that, whatever Severus knew, he wanted to tell him. Doubtless, the young Slytherin wanted something in return, and would make his terms known before long.

In the meantime, Albus had some reflecting to do. Perhaps going over everything Snape had said, from the moment he awakened in the Hospital Wing, would shed some light on the subject. A brief Pensieve trip was in order. This time, he would pay closer attention.


	3. Shrug it Off

Chapter 3 

Lily waited in the library, getting some studying in. She might as well. There was no telling how long Severus's meeting with Professor Dumbledore would run... Or whether Sev would show up at all. If he stood her up for his pureblood supremacist buddies one more time, she'd be sorely tempted to hex him into next week. 

She didn't want to think about that now, not after she'd been so worried about him for days, and it finally looked like things were going to be alright again. But he couldn't keep acting that way and then expect everything to be the same between them.

Something had to change. 

Severus walked quietly into the library, walking past Madam Pince who glared at him as he walked past. Ever since his second year when he'd spilled a jar of ink all over a rather expensive book, which he still remembered as even in his time the glare did not stop, she'd been glaring at him. 

He saw lily sitting at a table near the back behind one of the large book shelves. Good, at least she thought ahead. No one would notice his muffliato there. He approached Lily and sat down in front of her, placing his books on the table, his bag on the chair next to him. 

"Hello." He said quietly, pulling out his wand and casting muffliato. 

Lily looked up as Severus joined her, noting that he cast Muffliato. They should be able to talk freely now. Her face brightened. "Hey. How are you feeling?"

He certainly seemed calmer now, less confused than in the Hospital Wing. Which was probably a good sign; his entire emotional state had seemed so... un-Severus-like. That alone had worried her, almost as much as him being hurt in the first place.

Maybe now he could finally tell her what was going on. 

"I am well. I wasn't hurt to badly. Apparently I konked my head pretty hard trying to get out of the shrieking shack before Potter showed up." He said with a shrug. "Ill live." He said pulling forward one of his books. He didn't really feel like talking about what had happened, mainly because for him it was old news. But he knew she was going to ask him anyway. 

Lily stared. "The Shrieking Shack? Severus, what in Merlin's name were you even doing there? I'd expect that kind of recklessness from Potter, but..."

A disturbing thought occurred to her. Her expression darkened. "What did Potter do?" 

"Oh, potter didn't do anything." He said looking at lily. He'd forgotten how much she used to hate that git. "He saved me actually. I need your promise that you will not tell anyone what I tell you here. I was sworn to secrecy and shouldn't even be telling you. Swear?" He asked.  
Lily's eyes widened. What could Severus have encountered that was so dangerous that James Look-At-My-Giant-Ego Potter felt the need to save him?

"I swear," she said earnestly. At least Sev had come to her with this; it had been awhile since he'd confided in her about anything. 

"You remember my theory that Lupin is a werewolf? Well that theory is fact. The tunnel under that whomping willow leads to the shrieking shack where he transforms every full moon. I wa stupid and walked right into a room with a fully grown werewolf." He said. "James is an animagus, his form is a stag and he'd shown and and knocked Lupin away from me. In my haste to get out I fell and must have knocked myself unconscious." He said, easily hiding his embarrassment as it didn't bother him anymore. "Potter must have gotten me out of there. The next thing I knew I woke up in the hospital wing." 

Lily stared, processing the information that he had thrown to her so matter-of-factly.  
She went slightly pale.

"You... were in the Shrieking Shack with a werewolf? Sev, how are you so calm about this? You could have died, or... or... or ended up as one yourself!"

Like poor Remus. He'd always seemed like a nice enough guy, unobjectionable except for his inability to reign in his idiot friends. But he didn't deserve to go through life as a werewolf. No one did.  
She'd always thought that Severus's theory was just founded on spite for the group as a whole. And now that it was confirmed, he was taking it so calmly?

"Aren't you angry that you're not allowed to talk about it?" 

"I am talking about it." Severus said, "though I shouldn't be. Why should I be angry? It was my fault I went into the shack, and I am for the most part uninjured. The damage done of I spoke would be far worse than if I did." He said with a shrug, he knew there was nothi that could get lily to quiet her objections. But Severus didn't feel the need to talk if the event. 

"Yes but-- still, they just..." Lily took a deep breath. "You're right, Severus, I know that. Lupin didn't ask for this, and his life would be pretty much over if you outed him, and you're being weirdly mature about the whole thing, but..."

Why was that, anyway? Because Potter had saved his life? 

"But you still could have died! Do you not even care about that?"

Would Dumbledore still have kept the secret then? If Severus had died, would they have just covered it up, and swept the whole thing under the rug? She could have lost her oldest friend and never even known how it happened.

She shook her head, furious. "How do they not have better precautions in place? To keep students from just... wandering in on that?! How is that a responsible way to run a school!?"

Lily frowned slightly, suddenly thoughtful, then looked over at Severus.  
"How did you even know there was a tunnel there, anyway?" 

"Black told me. He told me how to get in. I shouldn't have listened. I should have known better." He said. "Honestly, I'm fine." 

"You shouldn't--" Lily repeated in disbelief. She felt her hands clench into fists. "Well yes, you bloody well should have known better than to listen to Sirius Black, but that hardly makes it alright, now does it?! Did he think it would be funny, almost getting you killed? And now he's just getting away with it!"

That absolute bastard. Sirius Black could be a complete git, but she had never thought that he would go this far. Even Potter knew better. 

"I would assume that he hadn't thought about the danger he was putting me in when he told me. Perhaps he was just thinking of the fright he would give me ... Then again, you know how much he hates me, perhaps he tried to have done with me. Who knows. But it hardly matters anymore. I am here, I am alive, I am unbitten. And I get to sit back and laugh as Black has detention with Filch all next year and has been forbidden to speak of that to anyone either lest he be expelled." He said, even though Dumbledore hadn't told him that part, it was what had happened originally and he had no doubt it would happen again. 

Lily raised an eyebrow. "With Filch?"

If it were anyone else's fate, she would have felt sorry for them. Under other circumstances, she'd have even felt sorry for Sirius Black... but not this time. This time, even Filch didn't seem like nearly enough. 

"Well," she sighed. "At least there's that."

She tucked a stray lock of hair back behind her ear. "I don't know, Sev. I'm really glad you're okay. And I guess it's good that you're handling it so well, but..." She looked over at him. "I don't understand how you're so rational about it. It's just not natural."

She was silent for a moment, then said quietly: "It's just... you had me so worried, and... and the last time we talked before it happened, I was yelling at you." 

Severus looked at her curiously. He couldn't remember them fighting before that day down by the lake. "You were?" Severus asked, his eyebrow raised. "I don't remember." He said flippantly. "I don't know why I'm so rational about it I just .... feel different, is all." He said, unable to tell her just how different. "Believe me, I think everything is going to be different now. You can count on that. I can't explain it but ... I don't know ... maybe that blow to the noggin knocked a few screws back into place." He said with a slight chuckle. 

Lily laughed. "Well, don't go doing it again, okay? You'll need that noggin for OWL's next week."

Something really was different about him, though. She just couldn't figure out what. But all that anger that had been constantly boiling under the surface for quite some time seemed to have just... evaporated.


	4. The Truth Will Out

Chapter 4

Severus tapped his quill against his book as Slughorn talked about Polyjuice potion, it's scent, it's colour, it's texture .... Severus was so bored. Any potion that Slughorn could teach him he could make blind folded and ten times better than the textbook and Slughorns instruction combined. He tossed his quick back into the ink pot and leaned back in his chair. When was this class over? OWL's were in two days and these classes were just dragging on .... he couldn't imagine doing this for two more years. 

"Excuse me." Slughorn's lesson stopped briefly as a third year Hufflepuff came to the door. "Um ... The Headmaster wishes to speak to Mr. Snape." Slughorn stared at the boy a moment before he responded. 

"Of course, of course." He said waving at Snape to leave. Snape glanced at Lily and picked up his bag, leaving his text book for Lily as she'd left hers in her rooms and hadn't had time to go get hers. She'd bring it to him later anyway. 

Lily looked over at Severus, confused. What could Professor Dumbledore want with him now? There were worse classes to pull him out of, though. Severus was a natural genius at potions and, if the look on his face were any indication, he hadn't been getting anything out of today's lesson anyway. If anything, Dumbledore had just saved him from dying of boredom.

She'd just have to ask Sev what Dumbledore wanted when she gave him his book back.

He made his way towards Dumbledore's office, wondering exactly what move Albus was about to make. He approached the gargoyle. Two days before OWL's ... Severus thought a moment. 

"Gob Stoppers." He said, the Phoenix starting to spin upwards. Severus jumped up onto the stair again and once he reached the top he made his way to the door, knocking on it gently. 

 

\-------------------------------------

This time, Albus was not at all surprised to hear the shifting of the spiral staircase, or the quiet knocking on his office door.

"Come in, Mr. Snape," he said. "Another lucky guess, I see."

Since their earlier meeting, the Headmaster had formed several possible theories for how Snape knew the things he knew, and why he might be acting as he did. None of these theories were fully formed, as of yet, the nebulous logistics still escaping him. Perhaps further interaction with the young man would help to clarify things. 

Severus stepped forward. "Yes. Another lucky guess. It's not as if your passwords are that hard. There's only so many candy's you like." He said sitting down in the chair he so commonly frequented as an adult. "You wished to see me?" He asked, knowing what this was about. 

Albus nodded, examining Snape's face, but not bothering with Legilimency this time.

"Yes," he said calmly. "I wish to discuss what you know. Doubtless, you would like to do so on your own terms. But we both know that you are too clever to bring up the subject if you did not already intend to aid the fight against Lord Voldemort. That leaves us the question of what you expect in return." 

"There are a few things I'd like in return, yes. Firstly, I'd like your trust. Secondly, I need to have a hand in the decisions when it comes to taking him down. Thirdly .... I'd like, with your permission to gather a small group of people together. I already know who I have in mind, who would be willing to stand against him. This group must be student based, as if there are a teachers influence I believe it will hider the students willing to join. Not to mention it could get any teacher involved into trouble with the ministry. I also have a location this can be done and someone in mind to lead this group, with my direction of course." He watched Dumbledore for his reaction. He knew this was a lot to ask, but he hoped Dumbledore would see the motivation behind it. "And lastly, I need unsupervised access to the advanced potions lab. I don't care what excuse you use to achieve it .... But those are my terms. Can you promise these things?" 

Albus Dumbledore raised his eyebrows slightly. He had been expecting a request for protection. If Snape's information really could be that instrumental in bringing about Lord Voldemort's downfall, the boy risked making himself some very powerful enemies if word ever got out. Furthermore, with all the clandestine Death Eater recruitment inside Slytherin, now was a very dangerous time to be a Slytherin acting in direct opposition to Voldemort.

This... was different. The young Slytherin was not attempting to gain security from potential enemies. Indeed, he was requesting an even more active role in the fight... a more active role than Albus was really comfortable granting to students. Yet... Voldemort was already recruiting from within the school. Unfortunately, it might well be necessary to start doing the same. There was a certain edge to be gained from having trained, capable, and dedicated Hogwarts graduates, ready to oppose the Death Eater movement as soon as they were out of school. It seemed that Snape's primary concerns lay in being able to act freely. Though his intentions seemed good, he spoke like a young man who had already been manipulated far too many times, and refused to be kept in the dark again.

Albus stared at the boy from over the rims of his half moon spectacles.

"I would say that you do not fully understand what you are asking of me," he said slowly. "But that is not the case, is it?"

He thought a moment longer, then said: "Trust will have to come with time. You can hardly expect complete trust immediately, when you are so reluctant to trust me. For your second request... I cannot guarantee that I will consult you on all decisions I make. But I will try to consult you on any decisions that could affect you directly. As for this small, student-run group... it will have to be kept secret. Furthermore, I must know who is involved, and I will expect regular reports on the group's activities." He was quiet for a moment, then continued: "Because this group is comprised of students, their focus should be additional Defense Against the Dark Arts training, not taking reckless chances. As for the advanced potions lab," he smiled slightly. "I do believe a bright young mind like yours could benefit from some Independent Study."

Dumbledore looked across the desk. "Does that suit you, Severus?" 

"I will agree to this." Severus said. "I cannot tell you everything, but I can tell you what you need to know. Keeping in mind I do not understand it myself. As I'm sure you've noticed I am not who I was a mere week ago. I am Severus Snape, but of a different time. I will request that you allow me to finish before asking any of your questions." Snape said continuing before Dumbledore could respond. 

"You were correct in the assessment that that I had been planning on becoming a death eater. Lily was no longer my fiend, and I took the mark at the beginning of my sixth year. I had a feeling you suspected as much but had no proof. Nor the care to do anything about it. When I was 19 I over heared a prophesy that Sybil Trelawny told you, a prophesy depicting the downfall of lord voldemort. Wanting to get higher in rank, I ran to the dark lord and told him everything id heard. Little did I know te prophesy was about Lilys son. 

I begged the dark lord to spare her, but I didn't trust him. So I came to you. You promised to keep her ... Them .... Safe, in return for my servitude, but in the end, he killed her and her husband. The child survived, and the dark lord was vanquished. Or so everyone thought. 

Thirteen years later, Peter Pettigrew, who was believed dead by Sirius Blacks hand, and who had actually been a death eater since eighteen, brought Voldemort back to full strength. I became a spy for the order or the Phoenix, and a puppet for you." Severus thought about how he should continue this because this was where things get sticky. 

"I don't think I have to tell you how bad things got after that. In the end the dark lord had taken over Hogwarts, and the ministry. A battle took place in Hogwarts an many people, students and adults alike where brutally murdered in battle. 

I was summoned by the dark lord, who no longer had use of me. But he thought I had something he wanted. So he killed me ... He sent his giant snake after me. Bit right into my neck. I couldn't do anything about it. And I didn't want to. It had been seventeen years since I've wanted to die .... And I was finally getting my wish. The next thing I knew, I'm waking up in the hospital wing. It's why I was asking which Potter. Harry Potter, James Potters son, was one of my students here for six years before he dropped out in his seventh due to circumstance." 

What Severus was telling him, was just the beginning. And just barely scratching the surface of what actually happened, but it was enough to make Dumbledore understand. 

Albus Dumbledore listened quietly. As of yet, he had no proof of Snape's story... but there was not a doubt in his mind that the boy believed it. While this explanation was not precisely one of his theories, it was very closely tied to one of them... and it would certainly explain another factor, one that none of Albus's theories could account for. He would ask about that later.

"Sybil Trelawny, you said," Albus thought the matter over. "What was in the prophecy? I know that was many years ago for you, but can you remember?" 

Of course he remembered it, how could he forget? It had haunted him for nearly seventeen years. 

"The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches ... born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies ... and the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not ... and either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives ... the one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the seventh month dies ..."

Severus recited by heart. He didn't learn the other half until later but it still haunted him. 

"I see," Albus said quietly, then looked Severus directly in the eye. "You said you did not originally realize that the prophecy involved Lily's son... Were there any others at the time that it could have referred to? And, when the child survived and Voldemort appeared to be vanquished, how did that happen?"

The more he thought about this, the more that these events seemed subject to change. But by analyzing the details now, he could piece together an understanding of what Voldemort was doing that he would never have gained so quickly otherwise.

"The dark lord believed it could have been another child. Neville Longbottom. I believe Frank and Alice just got married. In four years time they'll both be tortured into insanity, and their son left in the care of his grandmother. Nervous wreck that kid ... Horrid at potions." He said with a bit of a sneer. "He had a good heart though ... For what ever that was worth" he said looking around the office before looking back at Dumbledore. 

"As for how he was defeated the first time, I'm unsure. You knew, but you kept much from me. And there is one key thing in defeating the dark lord. Something he has that you sent Potters son to find and destroy. But you would not tell me what it was." He said watching Dumbledore wondering if he already knew. 

Albus nodded slowly. That did seem to fit the pattern for a theory that he had... And if it had taken him so long to destroy them, there had to be more than one Horcrux, well-hidden, well-protected, and spread out over multiple locations. Evidently, it had also taken Riddle a long time to return... but if the Horcrux theory was correct, then Voldemort would have had all the time he needed to come back.

"At the time, however, and this is very important, did the world at large believe Lord Voldemort to be dead?"

And how did Potter's son figure into the picture? Albus suspected that Snape was not telling him everything on the matter, but he would leave it for now. 

"It took a full year, and the minister of magic to see voldemort himself before he believed it. even though i had shown him my black burning dark mark which i hadnt answered upon his return. As for the Potter boy ... It was believed, by you, that a part of Voldemorts soul clung to Potter when he was just a baby. He would have to die for the dark lord to be defeated." 

Albus was silent for a long moment.  
That certainly would confirm it... If Tom Riddle truly had been making Horcruxes, it was possible that his soul might become unstable enough for it to happen. Of course, the time when that would be most likely...

"Thank you, Mr. Snape," Albus said, glancing away. "You have confirmed what, until now has been only a theory."  
He looked up again, staring straight at Severus.  
"James Potter's son," he said quietly. "And Lily Evans's son. They were the same person, were they not?"

Of course, there were any number of children who had lost parents to Lord Voldemort, and countless more within the years of Snape's experience. But Albus doubted that there were many whom Voldemort had failed to kill, and only one that had left the Dark Lord temporarily defeated afterwards. And that was the only time that Voldemort's soul was likely to attach a piece of itself to an infant. Riddle would never create such a fragile Horcrux intentionally. Albus did not know this to be true for certain... but he was counting on Severus's reaction to reveal it.

Severus stared at him a moment. He slipped. Seventeen years of being a double agent, a master of lies and deception .... And he slipped. 

"What makes you say that?" Severus asked, an eyebrow raised in confusion, now looking back on what he'd said. No, he couldn't have slipped up .... It was Dumbledore jumping to conclusions again. 

Remarkable. Severus's face and voice were entirely unreadable. Indeed, the mild confusion appeared genuine. Perhaps it was. Once again, Dumbledore did not attempt Legilimency. It was pointless with Severus... and that was just in the Headmaster's office. No doubt around Voldemort, Snape had been in the habit of applying Occlumency so advanced that the Legilimens could not even tell that he was hiding something.  
No wonder Albus had made him his spy.

"A few things," the Headmaster smiled slightly. "Nothing conclusive, however. You never once mentioned the father of Lily's son, nor the mother of Potter's. Of course, they could simply be people I have not yet heard of at this point in time. Though it did seem peculiar to me that you never mentioned Lily's son, the boy in the prophecy, after the night when he survived Lord Voldemort's attack. Yet Potter's son was mentioned repeatedly. I also could not help but wonder why I sent this seventeen-year-old boy to destroy this unnamed item of Voldemort's. Something I was so secretive about that I would not tell my own spy? What was so special about Harry Potter that I told him? Why did I think him capable of the task, or find it necessary to send him into harm's way? Then there is the matter of the soul..."

 

Which would have left the Headmaster with very few options. Albus's hint of a smile faded. He would continue to do what was necessary to fight back the darkness... but it seemed that he would have much to answer for in the future. He already did now.

Albus shook his head.

"But that is just one of many possibilities. At the moment, all possibilities remain open. Your presence here, now, with access to this information, already constitutes a change in the course of events that you know. Perhaps this time the Chosen One will be Neville Longbottom, or a child born in July who did not exist in your timeline at all. Perhaps the prophecy itself will be changed, or will never be foretold. Or perhaps..." 

He looked pointedly at Severus. "Perhaps the choice that you have made today will help us to defeat Lord Voldemort sooner, and avoid that chain of events entirely. That is what you are hoping for, is it not?"

Albus Dumbledore could not believe that this had happened without a reason. Whatever the cause, Severus Snape had been given a second chance. And, if the right actions were taken, he might not be the only one to benefit from it. 

Severus leaned back in his chair, contemplating what Albus had said. He rolled the words around in his head, knowing Dumbledore was a master manipulator. 

"They are one in the same." Severus said cautiously. The man would find out soon enough anyway. 

It was quite telling to see how cautiously Severus thought through his answer. How many times over the years had Albus had to use him? To send him into danger? To ask him to witness terrible things? How many reasons had Albus given him not to trust him?

And yet here he was.

That too spoke volumes.

Evidently, Severus had not particularly wanted him to know the origins of the Potter child... But the motive Albus suspected was far from sinister. According to Snape's story, it was fear for Lily that had brought him over to the light, and most likely her memory that had kept him there. And, by the time Severus had died, he had lost the will to live seventeen years ago... which, given Harry's age, corresponded with Lily's death.

If it was indeed only friendship, it was certainly a strong one.

Albus had to tread carefully. If his suspicions were correct...  
Severus might be sixteen again, but whatever feelings he had for Lily Evans, they were far more than a young man's infatuation. Snape had just become a vital ally in the fight against Lord Voldemort. And if his motivations still hinged around his feelings for Lily, then Albus could not afford to treat those emotions lightly.

Albus nodded. "Again, circumstances have already changed," he said calmly. "We shall see how events unfold this time. Regardless, the original wording of the prophecy places a certain emphasis on Lord Voldemort's choice, whom he marks as his equal... specific parentage may not be a necessary factor... if the same prophecy even still applies."

Over the rims of his half-moon spectacles, the Headmaster looked Severus directly in the eyes, letting his message sink in: Albus would not interfere in matters of that nature.

"Now, on to more immediate concerns. Who do you have in mind to lead this student resistance of yours?" 

Severus relaxed slightly. Albus wasn't going to meddle. Then again, he had lied to him before. But at least for now he had his word. He regarded Albus as he asked who he had in mind to lead the group. 

"It would only be natural that it would be James Potter." Severus said, easily hiding the smirk that wanted to tug at the edge if his lips. He wondered how Albus would react to that a briefly wondered if it would result in a heart attack. 

Albus Dumbledore's eyebrows shot up.

"James... Potter," he repeated, disbelieving. "And why precisely would that be... only natural?"

Thinking it over, it was not a bad choice, from an objective standpoint... but Severus Snape was the last person Albus would have expected to suggest it. Especially in light of what Dumbledore had just surmised. 

"He is a natural born leader and many students look up to him .... Given my direction, this group coul be successful. And he is directly apposed to the dark lord. He will stand and fight ... He is the figure head the students want, and will listen to. He is popular, and dare I say, intelligent, his attention span not withstanding .... There is no one more willing to do this than him ... Not to mention his son started something similar in his fifth year. I have no doubts that he will rise to the occasion. Should he decline working with me though .... I will obliviate him of the conversation and choose someone else." Severus said. "Once I leave I will comprise a list of people I know will join, and a list of people who may join.

I will approve anyone before they join, and a you say you will know who is all involved. Allow me until 7 to tonight, and I will gather all the information and details you will need. As potter to be here around 740 if you could? Does this suit your schedule?" He asked knowing full well that was his free time. 

He wondered if Dumbledore would take this opportunity to test him again. 

Again, Albus had to raise an eyebrow. Just how many people had the older Severus Snape Obliviated over the years? And he seemed fully confident that he could safely wipe Potter's memory of just the conversation, without doing further damage... otherwise, he would surely have expected Dumbledore to object.

It was interesting, in its own right, that Potter's son had started a similar organization in his fifth year.   
Further, it seemed that, over a distance of years, Severus was now able to view James's potential more objectively. Dumbledore knew better than to assume that bygones were bygones... As a spy, Severus had no doubt had to associate himself with far more unsavory individuals. Despite any lingering personal grievances, James Potter would not be the most difficult person that Snape had worked with.

He would have to see, however, how the two interacted in his office later on. "Yes," Albus said serenely. "I am free during that time." As Severus no doubt knew from experience. 

Severus nodded to him and stood from his chair. "I shall return here for seven then." He said leaving the room without so much as a good bye, nor permission to leave.  
(A/N – Well there's another chapter, I'll upload one more today before I head off to bed.)


	5. In Celebration of Course

Chapter 5

Severus slung his satchel over his shoulder as he made his way into the dining hall. It wasn't a feast, so where you sat never mattered. Like always the Slytherin's sat by themselves at the table on the far left, the other three houses generally sticking to their own houses, but a good portion of Hufflepuffs were smattered across the other houses, a few Gryffindor at the Ravenclaw table, and a few Ravenclaws at the other tables. Severus moved to the Gryffindor table, walking past James Potter who glanced at him but for once, ignored him. 

Perhaps he felt guilty about what Sirius had done to him. It seemed like Black was still in detention with Filch. He paused just beyond him and looked back at him. "Dumbledore wished to see you in his office at 7:30." Severus said before making his way over to Lily who was a bit farther down the table. 

"Right," James muttered, not looking up again. Well, that was weird.

Why had Snape been spending so much time with Dumbledore all of a sudden? What did Dumbledore want to see him about? Not the Shrieking Shack thing again? Sirius was already doing time with Filch; James was off the hook, but only because he'd been quick enough to shove Snivellus out of the way.  
James guessed he'd technically saved Snape's life. He didn't feel particularly heroic, though. He didn't know how to feel about it at all. 

And if he had to hear Padfoot complain about the detentions one more damn time, especially in front of Moony, there was going to be a scuffle. Sirius had fucked up. And James had fucked up for not catching it sooner. And now Snivellus was sitting with Lily, and James didn't even have the heart to shove his greasy Slytherin head in a toilet for it.

\---------------------------------------

"Hi, Sev!" Lily smiled up at Severus as he approached, and cleared her books off the table to make room for him to sit next to her.

A few dirty looks shot their way from the Slytherin table, with one or two from the Gryffindor table as well.

Lily ignored them. Honestly, you never saw Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff making such a big deal out of it. Lately, she found herself thinking that the whole house table system was ill-advised.  
She hoped Severus didn't catch any flack for this in the Slytherin Common Room later. But then, it wasn't exactly as if their friendship had ever been a secret. He had just been a little less... open about it this past year. Anyway, he had doubtless dealt with their disapproval before. Hopefully, he would be alright dealing with it again.

"So," she said. "What was all that about, with Professor Dumbledore? I heard you were excused from all your other classes today?"  
And with OWL's just next week. What could suddenly be so important?

"Oh!" she said. "I almost forgot." Lily handed Severus back his Potions book. "Though at the rate you're going, you really should just write your own textbook. You've almost got more notes in there than original text." 

Severus took the book back from her. "I like knowing what notes went with what, you know me. I'm an organized mess." He said with a bit of a chuckle. "Al- Dumbledore just had some things to discuss with me about my classes and my OWLs. If it goes past just a discussion, and isn't just swept under the rug, I'll tell you all about it. Consider it a surprise if it happens." He said. His education was another thing he wanted to discuss with Albus. He'd bring it up with him soon. 

'Organized mess' was just about right. Lily had learned long ago that Sev's systems for keeping track of things might not make sense to an outsider, but suited him perfectly. Perhaps that was the point; he had never been particularly fond of others poking their noses into his business. And where Potions were concerned, Severus thought on an entirely different level anyway.

"Well, that's cryptic," Lily laughed. "You know, it's all well and good discussing your classes and your OWLs, but do you intend to study for them as well? Or is this all just a part of your organized mess strategy?"

She was only teasing, of course. Mostly. Severus was undeniably brilliant, and had never had much trouble with exams before, but he seemed so preoccupied lately. 

Severus laughed. "I'll be fine. I'm preparing for a bit tonight with Dumbledore." He said, "apparently I have a bright future ahead of me, and he's trying to corrupt me to be a Gryffindor. Next thing you know he'll be resorting me." He said pulling some food onto his plate. 

Lily rolled her eyes. "Heaven forbid. Then you'd have to hang around with this lot."  
She smirked and added: "You might do well in Ravenclaw, though... if your Slytherin pride could tolerate it."

She was glad to hear that he really was preparing... though she couldn't help but wonder why Dumbledore had suddenly taken such a personal interest in Sev's future. Clearly there was more going on than Severus was willing to talk about for now... and that was fine. At least he was keeping her in the loop to the extent that he could. Anyway, it was Dumbledore he was conspiring with, not the Future Death Eaters of the United Kingdom...which, incidentally, would make a terrible acronym.  
Whatever this new development was, it seemed to make Sev happy... though she couldn't help but wonder whether some of his fellow Slytherins would let it go so easily. Maybe he and Dumbledore had planned for that contingency? Sev did tend to be pretty cautious... most of the time.

"Anyway," she raised her glass. "Here's to you and your bright future." 

Severus smiled and held his glass up to her. He looked down at his plate and cleared his throat. "Hey, Lily?" He asked, suddenly seeming a bit nervous. "I was wondering ... If ..." Oh spit it out already! His mind screamed. He'd faced the dark Lord how many times, surly this would be easier. He looked up at Lily and cleared his throat. It really wasn't. 

"I was wondering if, um ... The weekend after we return home if you'd ... Maybe go out to dinner with me?" He asked, staring at his plate again. Merlin's beard he hadn't felt more sixteen than he did at that moment. "I mean ... You know .... In celebration of finishing our OWLs." 

Lily looked back at Severus, curious. What was he suddenly so nervous about? He'd seemed so confident a moment ago...

"Oh," she blinked. "Um... yeah, sure. That sounds great."

So Severus wanted to spend some time together over the summer holiday. But they did that all the time, so why was he nervous about... And then it hit her. Severus had just asked her out. But did that necessarily mean he was asking her out out? They ate dinner together all the time, so did it have to mean... but why else would he be so nervous? Lily felt her face blush bright red.

"Because of OWLs," she repeated. "We should definitely celebrate."

Maybe that was all he meant by it. How embarrassing would it be if he found out she thought he'd meant... but what if he had? What if he'd just said that so it wouldn't be awkward? If that was the case, then she should just refuse to feel awkward about it. No need to agonize over what it meant for two people who had known each other for years to go out to dinner together. This was Severus, after all. Since when did she ever feel awkward around Sev?

She would have to think about this later... but there was still no reason not to go have dinner with her best friend. 

Severus looked up at her when shed said yes, and had to restrain from physically deflating when she said "in celebration of OWLs". Well, he had said that in the first place, but when she said it it sounded more like a polite way if putting him into his place. 

"Right." He said slowly picking at his food, but not really eating it. "I can't wait." He said finally taking a bite. He didn't know why she would agree to date him anyway. Why did he think shed suddenly be attracted to him instead of James Potter this time around? 

Potter was good looking, popular, rich and from what he heard the man had a good heart after he'd 'grown up'. What did Severus have? He was ugly, poor, unliked and had a sour disposition. 

...And once again, Severus was doing that thing where he made his face and body language unreadable.  
If Lily had to guess, though, she'd think he seemed... disappointed, somehow. Why? He'd wanted her to say yes, hadn't he? Was it because she'd latched onto his "in celebration of OWLs" clause?  
But... that would mean he really was hoping to make it a date.

Lily didn't know how to feel about that. Reflecting over it now, the idea didn't bother her exactly; it had just never really occurred to her before. She cared about Sev a lot, but... she had just never really thought of him that way before. Well, then. She would just have to figure it out. ...Hopefully without endangering their friendship in the meantime, or breaking her best friend's heart. Suddenly, exams seemed so much easier by comparison.

"Yeah," she responded. "It'll be fun."  
She went back to eating.


	6. The Hell inside My Head

Chapter 6

Severus slung his bag back onto his shoulder as he made his way to Dumbledore's office. He said the password and moved to the door way to knock. When he received the go ahead, he pushed open the door and moved to Dumbledore's desk. 

"As promised, I have finished a list, and comprised some memories for you to view. They are specifically selected, but untampered with." He said handing both the list and two vials to Albus. "The green one is for your eyes only. The blue one may be used if Potter requires more proof. I'm sure you can understand why I'm showing him less than I'm showing you." He said more than asked. 

"Thank you, Severus," Albus said, setting both the vials on his desk, and taking the list.   
Snape certainly was efficient.

The Headmaster thought it best to leave which information Potter received to Snape's discretion... at least for now. Though suited to the task of leading a student resistance, Potter did not have the benefit of years of experience and maturity that Snape did, and would be overwhelmed by a full disclosure of the possible future.

Potter would, no doubt, need to hear at least some of the truth, if only to gain some understanding of why he must work with Snape.

"I shall view both of these memories later, and respect your request for confidentiality."  
Albus began perusing the list of potential candidates for the student resistance group. He was somewhat surprised to see Lily Evans' name on the list, given Snape's concern for her and apparent interest in keeping her away from Potter... but chose not to comment on it. He wondered whether Severus had made the decision quickly, objectively like a machine, or whether he had spent hours weighing the pros and cons before he decided.

It did not surprise him, for that matter, to see that Sirius Black was absent from the list. Though some level of personal dislike may have been involved, Sirius was still far too immature and reckless at this point in time. Only six days ago, the boy had risked revealing Lupin's secret and endangering the life of a fellow student for an ill-thought-out prank. He simply was not ready for involvement in something this important.

Pettigrew, too, was absent from the list. Given what Snape had confided to him earlier, that was an obvious necessity. Albus wondered, however, whether Potter could be convinced to see it that way.

"You have chosen your potential members wisely," Albus nodded in approval. "I agree that Mr. Lupin would be far more reliable than Mr. Black at the present... You may have an interesting time convincing your chosen leader, however." 

"I'm sure once he views those memories he will understand why. And I believe he doesn't fully trust Black at the present time. So it shouldn't be to hard to get him to understand why. The boy can't even keep his best friend secret how is he going to be expected to keep this?" He asked waving his hand at the items on the desk. 

"There is something else I wished to speak to you about, if that's alright." He said pulling out an old, thick , leather bound book. 

Albus smiled slightly; it seemed that Snape was thinking much along the same lines. It would be interesting to see how the new, more mature Snape would go about convincing Potter to work with him. That, in itself would show a great deal about what Potter's and Snape's teamwork dynamic would be like. Aside from an unexpected ally, these highly unusual circumstances might have another benefit: making Snape and Potter work together.

Albus inclined his head. "Oh? And what might that be?" 

"My education. I've long since finished my NEWTS and have been teaching for seventeen years. The current curriculum will bore me senseless for the next two years and my time and energy could be better placed elsewhere." He said flipping open the book to a marked page. 

"According to wizarding law Any student with five or more O's in his or her OWL examinations may apply to take his NEWTS early provided he have the permission and signed forms of his or her headmaster and two other members of staff, since I have no doubts in my mind that I will get O's in all but Divination, I'd like to apply to take my NEWTs early ... Preferably over the summer break. The completion of my NEWTs will lift the age restriction on me and will allow me to train in earnest. I want to be prepared this time .... I have a lot more experience than you can imagine .... But if I can make myself better and extend my knowledge to others who are willing to fight, then I'm sure we can bring him down." 

Albus nodded. "An argument could be made for keeping up appearances. However, I have been looking through your files, and it would seem that you have never been less than an exceptional student to begin with. Thus, I do not think it would draw too much attention if we allowed you to apply for early NEWTs." 

He smiled slightly. "There is hardly anything to be gained by making you repeat the standard curriculum. You have my permission. Getting the approval of two others should not be difficult... I believe Professor Slughorn, in particular, would be quite happy to sign."

For that matter, Slughorn would be thrilled to take credit for having taught such a successful pupil. But that was the man's nature. 

"I'm sure he would ... The matter is of a second staff, and it getting approved by the ministry. The dilemma with this though ... If I graduate 2 years early I would need a reason to be here at the school, I will not be a student, and too young to be staff. If I am here as a guest then it will draw a lot of unwanted attention." He said, silently adding that he didn't want to teach either. He had no intentions of going back to that. 

"Yes," said the Headmaster. "That would be rather conspicuous. The best solution would most likely be to place you as an assistant to one of the staff members, and they could act as a mentor, in charge of helping you to further your studies. Though it has been a great many years since it has happened, there is a precedent for a similar program at Hogwarts... And the ministry would certainly feel more comfortable lifting the age restriction if you were still unofficially under Hogwarts' supervision. Depending on which professor you were placed with, their subject would, for official purposes, be your focus. However, you could certainly continue to advance in other areas through independent study."

Albus frowned pensively. "Placing you with a Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher would be rather pointless, as they tend to rotate out fairly quickly, and would not be aware of your situation. Potions might not be the best option either, despite your aptitude for the subject. Though I must ask that you remain on personable terms with Slughorn, there is not much that he could teach you."

He looked at Severus over the rims of his spectacles. "How do you feel about Transfiguration?" 

"Transfiguration?" Severus asked. "I'd never thought about it before. I suppose that could be a suitable subject. A McGonagall is trust worthy enough to be let in on this. I wouldn't suggest telling the whole staff though. The fewer that know the better." He said quietly. "As it is I'm changing the very fabric of time. I know information now, but the more we change the less my information will be accurate." 

Albus nodded. "Professor McGonagall will have to know at least some of it, so that she will be aware that you have other duties. If you are interested, I will speak to her about it. But yes, no one should be informed about your situation except on a strictly need-to-know basis. And you are correct in saying that we must not assume too much; your information does, after all, apply to what is now a separate time line. On that note..."

The Headmaster folded his hands on his desk. "Your story seems to uphold a certain theory I have had about Lord Voldemort, but some investigation will be necessary to confirm it, and to procure vital details. I believe that Professor Slughorn may know something about it... something that he has been unwilling to discuss with me openly." 

Severus looked at him. Here it is ... it starts. "I'm not playing your games Albus ... Not again ... If you want something of me, it would be greatly appreciated if you just came out and said it instead of playing mind games with me ... For once in your life, I dare you to flat out ask a question .... go on ... ask me." Severus dared, wondering if Albus was even capable of asking something out right. 

The Headmaster looked back at Snape, gaze unwavering, expression unfazed. But in that moment, something occurred to him. Severus Snape had died. He had died a death that he considered to be without purpose. And, in all likelihood, he had died doing exactly what Albus had told him to.  
A few other ideas occurred to him, some even more jarring than the first. He chose not to pursue those thoughts for the time being

"I suppose," he spoke calmly. "I owe you that. For now, I wish you to make sure that you are on cordial terms with Professor Slughorn. Once you are able, there is a memory of his that I would like you to procure." 

Severus crossed his arms in front of him, leaning back in his chair. He raised an eyebrow as he regarded the man before him. "Was that a request or a demand?" Severus asked. "I might have been your puppet in a previous life, and you may be used to getting what you want because you are "the great Albus Dumbledore" but keep in mind what I do for your cause I do of my own accord. I could walk away right now ... I could finish my education normally, and when I graduate I could leave the country .... Voldemort would not be my problem. It would be yours ... and you would be back to square one ... without me, and as I have already changed the time line, no doubt without your golden "boy who lived". Just keep that in mind when you "request" me to do something for you." He said standing from his chair and moving towards the door, not bothering to inform Albus if he intended to do as he asked. 

He paused at the door and turned back to him. "The Dumbledore in my time ... He thought he knew what he was asking of me .... but he never saw ... never witnessed anything I've done, or had to go through for him .... He never knew what he did to me ... I may have made the mistake of becoming a death eater ... but you're the one who made me pay for it. View those memories ... and we'll see exactly how righteous you feel." 

Albus stood up. "Severus," he said quietly. "Please. Wait." He took a few steps forward. "You are right that I cannot even begin to understand what you have been through. If you decided to wash your hands of the whole situation, I would not blame you... But you are the one who came to me with this information. You are the one who volunteered to help. If I ever ask you to do anything that you object to, you have every right to tell me. But right now, I am asking you: Will you do this?"

Albus did not look forward to what he would see in that Pensieve, but he would have to see those memories. Not just for any useful information they might hold, but to understand the man he now had to work with. The man he had, in part, molded. Years of bitterness, pain, regret, possibly trauma... and Albus had played a part in it. Though none of it had happened yet, he would still have to come to terms with it if he was to have Severus as an ally. 

Severus watched Albus and shook his head. "You may say I have the option of declining. But in the end, it's really never an option is it? It's always a matter of "You do it or someone will die." or "You do it, it's for the greater good." ... You look at people like chess pieces Albus .... You look at your students and you see pawns, and rooks, and bishops ... you don't see children .... You divide your students into black and white and play them out on your own personal board whether they like it or not because in the end, they have no choice .... just as I don't." He said. 

"You may not see it that way now .... but you will .... when the time comes ... and you realize that you oh so subtly pushed an eleven year old boy to battle Voldemort, or a twelve year old boy to fight a basilisk, or a thirteen year old boy after a mass murderer, or a fourteen year old boy into the Triwizard Tournament ... year after year ... you have your pawns ... and you have your game ... you play with peoples lives and don't give a thought to the sacrifices so long as the game is won. View those memories Albus .... and then we'll talk." He said leaving the room to leave Albus to do just that. 

Albus let Severus leave, without another word. Despite appearances, Snape was an adult in almost every respect... To what extent the usual teenage high levels of emotion affected him, however, remained to be seen. No doubt Severus had years of experience controlling his emotions... but he had not been sixteen in decades. And, given the nature of Snape's adult life and experiences, the horrors he must have seen, and the resentment that he clearly still bore... Well. Severus had far more to be upset about now than perhaps any teenager in the school. Worse. It seemed that the reasons behind his anger were perfectly rational... which could make them all the more difficult to ignore.

So, Albus let Severus remove himself from the situation. As it was, now was certainly not the best time for a meeting with Mr. Potter. Indeed, if Severus did decide to back out, there would be no point in the meeting at all.

The Headmaster sent a message to James, postponing the meeting until the morning.

Then he took up the vial of memories reserved for his eyes only, and went to the Pensieve, to witness what Severus Snape had endured at Albus's own future orders. 

James woke up the next morning with a yawn as he reached for his round glasses and put them on. He had been curious the night before as to what Dumbledore wanted to see him about but so early in the morning the day before OWL's he wanted to go back to sleep. What could be so important the day before OWL's that it required being up at six in the morning? 

He got dressed slowly, but efficiently and slowly padded his way towards Dumbledore's office. He saw Snape standing at the gargoyle, and couldn't even muster a dirty look. 

"Hey Snivellus." James said as he approached him. "Don't tell me Dumbledore's summoned both of us here." Severus looked at James and raised an eyebrow. 

"It's not as if we haven't been called to his office before." Severus said, recalling the numerous times they had been called to his office. Severus generally taking the blame for what ever had happened. 

"Yes, but we haven't even done anything. At least that I can recall. You didn't obliviate me did you Snivy?" James asked, ruffling his hair. 

"No, I didn't obliviate you. And I would appreciate it if you would stop calling me names. Don't you think it's a little juvenile at this point?" James looked at Snape as if the guy had grown a second head. He usually got mad when he called him that ... He got mad and he swore a lot .... not this time. What had happened? 

"Right ...." James said, not knowing what else to say as they made their way up to Dumbledore's office. James didn't even think anything of it that the stairs where already up. 

Albus heard the two boys approach, and called for them to come in. He wondered what Potter had made of Snape's newfound ability to predict the Headmaster's passwords... but upon actually seeing the young man, determined that James was probably too sleepy to notice. It was to be expected; James Potter rarely got up this early for anything that didn't involve flying around the Quidditch pitch.   
As for Albus, he was normally rather fond of mornings, that feeling of renewal that came with the returning light, the rebirth of new opportunities to make a better day...

But this morning was different. Albus had not slept last night. What he had witnessed in the Pensieve saw to that. In his time, Albus Dumbledore had witnessed harrowing sights before. He knew more than he would like to about what Voldemort and his followers got up to.

But this was different.

This was watching decades of a man's life spent in that hell... or at least the grisly highlight reel of those years. And with everything that the future Severus Snape saw, everything that he did, everything that he endured... Albus had to live with the realization that it was all under his own orders. Perhaps he had not ordered it yet. Perhaps he never would. But was this Dumbledore of the future really so different? Could Albus honestly tell himself that, if he truly thought it were necessary, he would never ask that of Severus again? Of anyone? Albus Dumbledore had to wonder just how many lives he would knowingly warp or ruin before the Dark Lord finally fell.

Albus showed none of these thoughts in his expression, though his face did seem somewhat pale and drawn, tired about the eyes, and imperceptibly older. He gestured to two chairs in front of the desk.

"Do sit down." He looked over to James. "I am sorry to have to postpone our meeting until this morning, Mr. Potter." He glanced over at Severus before looking back to Potter. "Some new information surfaced that required my attention. Mr. Snape already knows what this meeting is about. But before we begin, I must inform you that what we discuss here is of the utmost secrecy." 

Severus upon walking through the room had to refrain from smirking at how tired and pale Dumbledore was. He knew why, and it was about time the man saw just what he was ... To Severus, Dumbledore was very little different from Voldemort. The only difference was Voldemort was direct in his manipulation and torture .... Dumbledore was subtle and left the torture to others hands. 

James glanced at Snape and then back to Dumbledore. "Is this about Remus sir?" James asked. "Because I've already apologized as best as I can, if I had gotten there sooner -" Snape interrupted him, but what he said shocked James to no end. 

"This is not about Mr. Lupin. But to ease your mind, there was nothing more you could have done. It was not your fault, nor are you a mind reader. You saved my life and for that I am grateful. But this is another matter entirely. And we must ask your complete discretion on the matter. What stays in this room, is between us three and must not leave." He glanced at Dumbledore. "I would ask you for a wand oath, but I'm going to take the first step towards this ... and say I will trust you to keep your word." He said looking at James for his answer. 

James stared at Snape. Snivellus had never been this diplomatic, not to him anyway, not even in front of Dumbledore.  
He was weirdly civil. No, this was beyond civil. Why the hell was Snivellus telling James it wasn't his fault? He should be milking this guilt trip for all it was worth. Either that, or spewing so many insults and accusations that James wouldn't feel guilty anymore at all. Worse. Snape said he was... grateful? And that he trusted him? What was James supposed to do with gratitude or trust from Snivellus?

James looked from Snape to Dumbledore. "Are you sure that's really Snape? And not someone on Polyjuice or something?"

"Quite sure," the Headmaster said, a somewhat amused gleam in his eye. "This is most assuredly Severus Snape... though not, perhaps, as you knew him."

Great. Just what James needed. Cryptic statements from Dumbledore at six in the morning.

James turned back to Snape, eying him suspiciously. What game was the greasy-haired bastard playing? "Alright, then," he said. "You're keeping Remus's secret, so I'll keep yours." 

Severus nodded, He could turn that into a threat easily, but that would land them no where. James Potter was not the type to be threatened. He explained what he had told Dumbledore, but omitting a few details. He told James of how he had died in his time line, and came back here. He told him of how Voldemort was after his son, and that he had trusted Pettigrew to be his secret keeper. He told him how Pettigrew was already a death eater at that time, and had given his location to Voldemort leading to his and his wives death. He told of the hard life that his son had with his aunt and uncle, and of the Order of the phoenix leading up to the final battle. During this tale, he told nothing of himself other than that he was a member of the order of the phoenix, and a spy for Dumbledore and that he had taught at Hogwarts for nearly seventeen years before his death. 

James listened. There really wasn't much else he could do. Every so often, he glanced at Dumbledore, who sat there as serene and serious as ever. If it weren't for the Headmaster's presence, there was more than one point where James would have flat out yelled "bullshit!" ... but he kept quiet.

His hands clenched into fists when Snivellus called Peter a traitor and a Death Eater. If they were alone, James would have hit him for talking about his friend that way. As it was, though, that wasn't exactly an option.

"Okay..." James took a deep breath. "Let me get this straight. You lived out a whole future that hasn't happened yet, and just woke up here again. You were a secret agent for Dumbledore, and I had a kid who was supposed to bring down You-Know-Who..." And then he glared at Snape, anger slipping into his voice. "But the part where you've really lost me is Peter Pettigrew. What did Peter ever do to you that you're throwing these accusations at him? Peter can't even handle a confrontation. You seriously expect me to believe that one of my best friends is capable of that? Professor Dumbledore seems to believe you, so I assume you have some kind of proof?" 

"Peter Pettigrew can't handle confrontation ... it's why he looks to the most powerful. It's why he came to you lot ... You and Sirius are the most popular boys in Gryffindor, if not the entire school. It's why he flocked to you. If you suddenly lost that power, he'd flock to someone else .... just as he did when he left school and he flocked to Voldemort. And yes ... if necessary, I do have proof. He's the reason you and your wife were killed, and the reason Sirius Black spent twelve years in Azkaban. Dumbledore has a vial of my memories, untampered with that will give you all the information and proof that you will need. I told you that I will trust you Potter ... but you need to trust me as well. I'm not here as an enemy, and you had best start thinking that way other wise Voldemort will win ..." He said feeling himself getting upset. Damn his teenage hormones. 

He took a deep breath and sat back in his chair to calm himself. "A lot of people die James ..." He said, for the first time using his first name. "Lily, Lupin, Black, Nymphadora Tonks, Molly Weasley's son Fred. He'll be born in three years I believe ... Some of my students .... Collin Creevey died at the age of fourteen, I saw him fall .... Lavender Brown died at the age of seventeen, murdered by the same werewolf that bit your good friend Remus .... I have seen a lot of people die James ..... and I'm not going to do it again. So if I am sitting here telling you, that your friend is one day going to be a death eater, you can guarantee that I am doing it because he's killed quite a few people himself. The one off the top of my head, he killed a seventeen year old boy by the name of Cedric Digory who I believe you know was born a few weeks ago ... you know his father don't you? I don't say this to be harsh James .... I say this because you need to learn the reality of what we are about to face." 

James shook his head, overcome with anger, disbelief, ... and an overwhelming sense of dread. What if Snape was telling the truth? Lily? Remus? Sirius? All dead? That was, of course, after Sirius apparently suffered through twelve years in Azkaban. Somehow, he doubted Snape particularly minded that part.  
And Diggory's son? The kid wasn't even a month old, and this alleged timeline already doomed him. And Peter... Dammit, Peter had always been there. He'd been part of the Marauders since the beginning. And James was supposed to believe he'd only been tagging along with them because they were popular? He'd become an Animagus with them, kept Moony's secret, been there with them no matter what, and yet somehow he was going to turn on them? Wormtail?

James shoved a hand through his hair. "No. That's not true. Even if all the rest of it is, you've made a mistake about Peter." He looked up at Dumbledore. "Peter's not a killer. He doesn't even have it in him."

Albus looked sadly back at the disbelief and anger on Potter's face. "Are you willing to look at the memories?"

James nodded. "I'm going to have to. It's the only way I'll believe any of this." 

"Be prepared Potter ... Some of those memories are your sons ... Of what he witnessed of Peter. I saw them I tried teaching him Occlumancy. But the memories stuck with me well enough that I could pull them from my memory. You will see a lot in those memories that you will not want to see. You are more than welcome to walk away right now, and we will find someone else. We can make this so it never happened .... but once you view those memories Potter, they will stay with you. The decision is yours." Severus said, allowing Potter the chance to decide. 

To decide if he trusts Peter enough to change, or that Snape is lying. Or the chance to decide if he wants to know the truth. Trust, or truth. James had to pick. 

Find someone else? Make this so it never happened? Snape was talking about Obliviating him, wasn't he. And Dumbledore was perfectly fine with that.

James's eyes narrowed. "You don't get to talk about my friends like that, Snape, and then make me forget about it. I'll see what this is about, thanks, whether you think I can handle it or not."

There was one thing James had no trouble at all believing: that Snivellus had been a teacher. He had the Wiser Than Thou manner down overnight. And James would be damned if he was going to let Snape suddenly be the better man about things.

"Very well, then," Albus said quietly, then stood and led the way to the Pensieve. He reached into his sleeve, and drew out the vial that Severus had designated for Potter to view.

James shot another look at Snape, a look that was absolutely, definitely more defiant than nervous... whether it looked that way to Snivellus or not. Then he followed Professor Dumbledore to the Pensieve.

Albus held out the vial to James. "Whenever you are ready, Mr. Potter," he said.

James hesitated only a moment, before he accepted the vial, poured it into the Pensieve, and went in.


	7. The Truth May Not Set You Free

Chapter 7

The Shrieking Shack came first.

Wormtail had definitely let himself go. At first, he was all but unrecognizable... but there was no doubt it was him. Just older. Grimier. More groveling. And... distinctly more rat-like. There was something sickening about it.

Sirius frankly looked like hell. Or Azkaban. One of the two. Twelve years of lycanthropy and loneliness hadn't exactly been kind to Remus either. That wasn't supposed to happen; they were all supposed to be there for Moony, no matter what.

There was no mistaking who Harry was. James saw so much of himself in the boy's appearance that he could have been looking at his own doppelganger. The eyes, though. The eyes were different. Familiar somehow... but he didn't have time to process that.

The memory played out, and then shifted into another. The Portkey cup, some poor Hufflepuff kid falling dead, the hand... One memory marched relentlessly on into the next, memory after memory, after memory. Some Harry's. Some Snape's. All Peter. Over and over and over again, acting out his part as a spineless monster, in ways that James couldn't refute, couldn't excuse, couldn't explain away. And then it shifted away from Peter. The death and destruction the final war had brought. 

\-----------------

When James finally pulled back from the Pensieve, he reeled backwards, and felt Dumbledore's hand on his shoulder, steadying him.

"Are you alright? You should sit down now." Dumbledore said quietly as Snape watched him, his arms crossed over his chest.

James nodded. "I'm fine," he muttered. He was shaking. Somehow, he ended up back in the chair. His face was damp around the eyes. James quickly brushed that away, under the guise of cleaning his glasses. He couldn't look in Snape's direction. At least, if the meeting was secret, Snivellus wouldn't be able to tell anyone. A string of curse words and jarring images ran through James's head... interrupted by memories of the Peter he knew. It hadn't happened yet... but he still felt hurt and betrayed. And he was still so bloody angry.

Once he was able to trust his voice again, he said quietly: "Okay, Snape. You told me, so... What now?"  
He still didn't look him in the eye. 

"We have to stop it." Severus said simply, as if it where as easy as that. "My presence here has already altered this time period. We can save most of the people you saw in those memories." He said watching James. He knew this was hard for James, but he didn't need to voice that Pettigrew wasn't one of the people they would be saving. It was already in the boys nature ... there was no helping him. Trying would be a waste of time and energy, but he hoped that in bringing down Voldemort early ... it would at least save him in some form. 

"I proposed to Dumbledore that we start a secret group ... Voldemort is already recruiting amongst the students, why not we?" Severus asked. "I have made up a list of proximately twenty people ... that I know will be more than willing to join, and about ten more that we may have to be cautious in how we approach them, but I believe given the right push they may join as well. The purpose of this group is to prepare us for what is about to come. The only ones who will know of where I come from and the information I hold is the people in this room, and Professor McGonnigal. That will remain in this room .... but going forward we are going to need more than just us. 

You will have the key role in this. While I have the information, the knowledge and the battle skill ... no one will listen to me. I'm a Slytherin and as far as anyone's concerned I have the intentions of becoming a death eater. Which I don't ... I'd die before doing so ..." He said watching James knowing that Potter now had a reason to believe what he said. 

"Which is why I propose you lead this group ... with my guidance of course. I will train and teach you, while training myself in new arts ... and you will teach them. I will be there with you as a type of "partner" ... I think this will also make them realize the severity of the situation if you and I are working together. I may not like you Potter, make no mistake I still loath you .... but I've worked with far more unsavoury people in the past. If you are willing to at least put our rivalry aside until Voldemort is gone, I promise that I will make this worth your while." Severus said. "A temporary truce if you will ..... if after Voldemort is gone and you wish to continue calling me names and hexing me behind my back then so be it .... but for now ... we must grow up and move on until this is dealt with. Of course, as I have already grown up I'm sure this will be much easier for me but ... I must ask you see the reason in this." 

At the mention of this secret group, James looked up at Snape, then across the desk at Dumbledore.  
This was serious. Snape was talking about actually organizing and doing something about Lord Voldemort. Hell, he'd even spoken his name. No one did that... except for Dumbledore, anyway.  
Knowing what James knew now, they had to do something... and things had to change. There could be no going back.

James looked over at Snape in surprise, at his statement that he would sooner die than join the Death Eaters... and he believed it. Yesterday, James would have bet Galleons to gumdrops that Snape was a Death Eater sympathizer, at the very least. But now... It suddenly hit James that he wasn't just talking to Snivellus anymore... He was talking to a veteran. Maybe even a war hero. That was a disturbing thought. Bastard. Am I going to have to respect you now?

When Snape said he wanted him to lead the group... James flat out stared at him. Every reason he gave made sense. Snivellus barely had civil acquaintances (except, Merlin knows why, for Lily), whereas James practically had a fan club. Still, they'd spent years at each other's throats. So many actions calculated to piss each other off, so many murderous glares...

And now Snivellus Bloody Snape wanted to join forces, train him in whatever skills Future Snape had honed, and make him the head of their Anti-Voldemort-League?

If anyone had told him this yesterday, James would have thought they were high.

Of course... James could thoroughly believe that Dumbledore had planned this. He glanced over at the Headmaster, who just sat there, expression neutral, letting Severus make his spiel and calmly awaiting his answer.

James turned back to Snape and raised an eyebrow.

"Well... I can't very well let you go around being the mature one, now can I?" he held out a hand for him to shake, staring him down all the while. "Truce. I'll do it." 

Severus stared at Potters hand for a moment before he reached over and shook it, looking at their hands as if it was a clear indicator of how different they really were. James' hands were soft, but blistered from the handle of his broom, and showed signs of being well taken care of. Snape's hands were smooth, but had tiny burn scars from potions he'd made, though not nearly as many as his older self, and he was so thin it seemed like skin stretched over the bones of his hands. These where two separate people in both appearance and personality coming together to fight a common enemy. 

Shaking hands with Snape had to be one of the weirdest things James had ever done. He was even scrawnier than James had thought... and for the first time, James stopped to wonder why.

"The enemy of my enemy is my friend, as the muggles say." Severus said before letting go of James' hand. "An Arabic proverb attributed to a prince who was betrayed and decapitated by his own subjects. But it's still a hell of a quote." He said sitting back in his chair. 

Albus handed the list to James to look over. "You'll have to handle most of the recruiting." Snape said pulling a galleon out of his pocket. "Your son and his friends did a similar group in their fifth year when the ministry decided it wasn't prudent enough to teach actual defence in DADA. I found a coin similar to this from one of my students who had been stealing. It looks like an ordinary coin, but it heats up when the main coin is pressed." He said handing it to James. 

"As no one can know about these meetings, there will be no schedule, it can be at any time and who ever can make it does. It will be held in the room of requirement which I will show you after classes today while Black is in his detention. I'm sure Remus would prefer to stay in the common room and read than follow you into whatever perilous adventure you have in mind, and Pettigrew will stay put if you tell him too. I'm sure you can come up with an excuse, you are full of them after all." He said, though not as an insult. "We'll use these coins to communicate when the meetings will be held. I'll finish making the others tonight. This will take a lot of planning on our part ... Are you sure you are prepared for this. This isn't a game .... this is a war you're walking into Mr. Potter." 

James took the list, and the Galleon. Evidently, even in alternate timelines, the Ministry was a mess. And apparently, James's son was a badass. As well he should be. All in all, it sounded like a good system. The night before exams, Remus could certainly be counted on to stay in the common room and study. As for Wormtail... James could get him to stay put. But setting eyes on him again after what he had seen was going to be difficult. Not that he couldn't do it, of course. Anything Snape could do, James could do better.

James shot Snape an offended look, offset by a wry smile. "Mr. Snape, if you really thought I couldn't handle it, you'd have gladly picked someone else. You've shown me that this is a life-and-death matter." He looked Snape in the eye pointedly. "And you've already seen that I can tell that apart from a game."

If he couldn't, Snape wouldn't even be here. James stood up, and looked over at Professor Dumbledore.  
"If it's alright with you, Headmaster, I'll go and start looking over these lists."

"See to it, Mr. Potter," Albus said. James took his leave.

Once he was gone, Albus seemed to visibly sag somewhat in his chair, before turning his eyes back to Severus. "We have more to talk about," he said quietly. 

Severus was already half out of his chair when Dumbledore addressed him. He had no wish to speak of what Albus saw, and didn't really want to hear anything Albus had to say. It was either going to be an apology, nd excuse, or a dismissal of the matter, and he didn't want to hear any of them. It wouldn't change anything. 

Severus, never-the-less, sat back in his chair, and crossed his arms over his chest. "Yes?" He asked. 

"I could apologize," said Albus. "But you would doubt my sincerity. Regardless, it would not erase what you have been through. I could deny responsibility, on the grounds that it has not yet happened... But we both know that I am no different now than when I ordered you into those situations. We both know that, even now, I am capable of making the exact same sacrifices if I truly thought they were the only way."

That realization, far more than the horror of the memories themselves, was what had kept Albus awake at night. Even now, it was a bitter pain.

"I could promise you that I will never again ask you to infiltrate the Death Eater ranks... but you will not take my word for it. So instead, I shall let you know this." He looked directly into Severus's eyes, seeing at once the boy that he had ignored and the tortured man that Albus had sent him out to become. "Because of your frequent meetings with me, your associations with a certain Muggleborn, and your collaboration with James Potter... The Death Eaters would never accept you among them without suspicion. Asking you to endure the same things again is no longer tactically viable." His voice went very quiet. "It is not enough. What is done cannot be undone. But it will never happen to you again."  
"Perhaps not in that way no .... but you will use me as a puppet just as you always have. Because I am readily available and have no scissors to cut my strings ... But I will tell you this Albus ... In my past ... I had considered you to be my only friend. Sad really, isn't it? That you could have put me through so much and still I called you my friend? .... I truly do wonder though ... if he had ever considered me his ... or if I was just a tool to be played. Because if I was ... then I truly had no friends .... I have no intentions of wasting my life away again Albus. I will not endanger my life for you ... I will help you, and I will do as you ask of me ... but I will not risk my welfare for your cause. When this is all said and done-" Severus said standing from his chair. It was almost time for class. "When Voldemort is defeated, I'm washing my hands of this ... of you, and your school ... Apprenticeship or not, I don't want to ever see you again." He said picking up his bag from the floor. "That in and of itself is a hard motivator for me to stop Voldemort at all costs." 

That hit Albus hard, like a direct blow to the chest. When he found his voice again, he said evenly: "I cannot speak for the Dumbledore you knew, Severus. But if I did not appreciate you for the brave man that you became, then I was a fool. And I cannot blame you for washing your hands of this place. It is clear that I have failed you."

Even if Albus had not yet sent Severus out into the field, he had still ignored and overlooked a student who needed guidance and acceptance most. He had already contributed to the events that, in an alternate time line, had led Severus to become a Death Eater in the first place. That Severus had come to him this time at all, after everything that he had endured, said a great deal about the man... but it was no credit to Dumbledore.

There was nothing more to say now.


	8. The Attack Buzzard - Amaranth

Chapter 8

Severus sat cross legged on his bed, the curtains drawn shut with a sealing and silencing charm. It wasn't unusual for him. His roommates always joked that he spent too much time masturbating, but it had never bothered him any. So long as it kept their suspicions away from what he was actually doing. 

He felt the coin in his hand heat up and looked down at the sickle. He made all the copies of the gallions and in addition made two master sickles. This way James and Severus could meet together without the group and without actually interacting in public. 

He looked up at his crow that was hopping around on the bed pecking at the gold coins as Severus tossed them into a small pile. 

"Careful there Amaranth." He said gently pushing the bird away from the coins. "Those are charmed, you don't want to hurt yourself if something goes amiss." He said scooping up the coins. He waved his hand and a cloth bag with a draw string appeared along with a parchment of paper. 

He pulled out his quill from his bag that sat behind him by his pillow and wrote a quick note. "Take this to James Potter. In the Gryffindor common room." He said rolling up the note and tying it to Amaranth's leg. Amaranth looked down at the note tied to its leg, have Snape a look that was as close to exasperated as a crow could get before flying out through the crack in the curtain Severus made for him. 

The bird flew down the stairs and landed behind the couch and watched the front door a moment before flying up to the top of one of the large iron chandeliers. It wasn't long before a student finally came through the stone wall and Amaranth flew threw it scaring the two first years who ducked for cover. 

He quickly made his way to the Gryffindor common room and perched on top of the stair case rail.   
"What the hell is this ugly thing?" Amaranth looked over and saw a large hand coming at him. With a large squack Amaranth bit non other than Sirius Black hard enough the boys had bled. "OW YOU BLOODY BUZZARD!" 

James was situated in the Gryffindor Common Room, concealing the lists Severus had given him between the pages of a History of Magic book as he went over them a last time. He had marked names to indicate who he thought would be easiest to approach, and who already possessed significant useful skills.

Sirius had just headed out of the portrait hole when James heard him howling. He immediately got up, snapping the book shut and taking it with him, just in case someone decided to peruse his unattended notes, and ran to the portrait hole, Remus at his heels and Peter at a safe distance behind them.

"It's been thirty seconds, Sirius," James said. "What the hell could you have gotten into--"

They found Sirius batting wildly at a large crow that flew at his head, squawking loudly.

"What the hell?" asked James.

"The bloody thing attacked me!" Sirius yelled. "How did it even get in here!?"

Remus tilted his head at the bird. "Nevermore?"

James shot him a look. "What?"

" 'The Raven,' " Remus sighed with an exasperated look. 

"Are you sure it's not a crow?" said Peter, mostly hidden behind the edge of the portrait hole.

"No, I mean Edgar Allan Poe."

James rolled his eyes. "Still never going to read it, Moony."

"Can we pay attention to the fact that I'm bleeding?" shouted Sirius.

Remus drew his wand. "Well, quit antagonizing it and come here."

He healed Sirius's arm.

"I wasn't antagonizing it," Sirius grumbled.

"Your face antagonized it," James muttered.

"No, your face--"

"Look," said Remus. "It has a letter."

"Bet it's a declaration of war," said Sirius. "Goddamn attack buzzard."

"No," said Remus. "It's addressed to James..."

James shoved Sirius out of the way and snatched up the letter, opening it in such a way that no one else could see. Of course. A bloody crow made perfect sense for Severus. James looked up to see the other Marauders staring at him.

"What?"

"Well?" said Sirius. "Who's it from?" James shrugged, crumpled it up, and shoved it in his pocket.  
"It's signed Edgar Allan Poe," he lied. "Probably a prank."

"Whose prank?" demanded Sirius. 

"Someone who gives Prongs too much credit," muttered Remus.

"I dunno. Some idiot with an attack-crow. Is it really safe to keep Filch waiting?" Sirius grimaced. "Alright, fine. But I expect a full report on the Muggle author situation when I get back." He pointed a finger at the crow. "And if I see you around here again, I'm turning you into a Halloween decoration."

"Right," Remus sighed. "I hope I'm not needed on this adventure? Some of us around here actually study."  
"Yeah," James waved a hand. "I'll be fine. Get back to your over-achieving." Sirius slouched grumbling down the hall, and Remus disappeared back into the Common Room.

Peter emerged, tentatively eying the bird. "Um, James? Do you need me to help?"

"No," James snapped, a little too quickly. Peter looked up at him, eyes confused and hurt. James sighed, and reminded himself for the hundredth time that Peter hadn't done anything. Yet. Even if he did have the capacity. Even if every time he looked at Peter, all day, he had to fight back the urge to shake him and shout "WHY?!” "No," James repeated, more quietly, and forced himself to meet Peter's eyes. "Look, Moony's seemed a little down on himself since the... incident. You know. More than usual. And I don't think he should be alone. So, I really need you to stay with him, okay?"

Peter nodded. "Yeah, sure thing Prongs," and hurried back through the portrait hole. Funny. James had never noticed how Peter always hopped to attention, as if following orders. He sighed, and went to go meet Snape.

\----------------------

Amaranth arrived in front to the room of requirement before James did. Severus sat on the ground against the wall wearing his school uniform but without the cloak and jacket. He held his arm out and allowed the bird to land on his arm. He pulled out a treat and a shiny red marble and gave it to the crow who took the marble and flew off. 

Severus looked down the hall to see James approaching. "Potter." Severus said quietly as the boy approached. 

James arrived, just as the letter had directed, on the seventh floor across from the portrait of the dancing trolls.

"Snape," James nodded, approaching him. It was funny, seeing the crow act so tame toward Snape... perhaps it recognized a kindred spirit. " 'P.S. The bird bites,' " James quoted the end of the letter. "So, does he always draw blood, or did you train him to recognize Sirius on sight?" Neither would surprise him. 

Severus chuckled. "No. He bites everyone." He said holding up his hand and showing James a rather large scar on his index finger. "It just takes a stubborn ass to tame a stubborn ass." He said slinging his bag over his shoulder. "You stare at him a few minutes with your finger in his mouth he'll give up. He still bites me occasionally but not often." He said moving across the wide hall. He looked around to make sure no one else was in the hall before he started pacing in front of the wall. 

James couldn't help a wry smile. "He suits you, I guess." He followed Snape, then paused, watching him pace in front of the wall, the bird flying off down the hall. James raised an eyebrow. If there were still a secret room or passage in the school that he and his friends didn't know about, he would certainly be impressed. 

It was a few moments later that the wall morphed and reshaped into a large wooden door. Severus looked up at it and looked back to James. "Told you I knew somewhere. Come on before someone sees." He said pushing the door open. The room inside was large, holding a various assortment of training equipment. On the other end was another door. Severus knew that was there because he needed it, but James and the others wouldn't be able to access it. That was for his own personal training. 

The door closed behind them and faded into nothing. Each wall was covered in floor to ceiling windows that looked out over the grounds of Hogwarts despite the location of the room in the middle of the castle. Severus wanted natural sunlight, and the room had provided that. A large chandelier hung from the ceiling and between each window were hanging lamps. 

"If you need it, the room will produce it. But you have to need it, not just want it." He said glancing at James. 

James tried not to look too impressed as a large wooden door appeared on the wall. He really, really tried. He thought he knew every room, every secret passageway, every broom cupboard in the castle. He, Remus, and Sirius had made a point of it when they'd undertaken the rather extensive project of creating the Marauder's map.

And he knew for a fact, without having to pull the map out of his pocket and consult it, that this room wasn't on it.

How the hell did Snivellus know about this place when he didn't? "No need to be smug about it," he muttered, as he followed him quickly through the door.

James looked out over the room, still trying not to look too impressed... and failing miserably. This room had everything it needed. Good lighting, plenty of practice space... James nodded. "This... looks pretty much perfect. The disappearing door's a nice bonus too." He shot Snape a sidelong glance. "So this place only appears when you need it? Does the interior change depending on what you need as well?" Who even knew how many variations of this room were hanging around, waiting to exist. He frowned. "And how long have you known about this place, anyway? Is this a Future Snape thing?" 

"Yes, it can be any type of room that you want it to be." He said, walking a bit further into the room. "I discovered it my first year teaching here. Considering half of my students still remembered me as a student you can imagine how hard teaching them would be. Two weeks ago, before the shrieking shack, would you have taken me seriously as a teacher? No, you would have made my time a living hell. I had one night where I just needed to get away from everyone. I was stressed out about classes, Voldemort was still alive and making my life hell, I was following orders from Dumbledore and I couldn't get a single second to myself unless it involved grading dismal essays. I wound up finding this place purely by accident ..." He said, unsure of why he was telling Potter this. He supposed there was a multitude of reasons. 

James stared at Snape. For some reason, James was really uncomfortable hearing that he, or others like him, would make Snape's life "a living hell." 

That wasn't what he did... was it? It wasn't like Snape was completely innocent either. The slimy little bastard had always come up with some pretty nasty retaliation. But James had always assumed that whatever negative impact messing with Snape had, it was temporary. The idea that it would continue to have consequences beyond their student years... it had never once occurred to him. And he'd never stopped to think about other aspects of Snape's life giving him hell simultaneously...

"I... I see." James looked away, shoving a hand through his hair. "Anyway, this'll work nicely. Given how late in the school year we are, I guess we'll want to start recruiting as quickly as possible, and start meetings immediately after the summer holidays?" 

"Yes. We should inform at least our main list of people. The ones I know will join. Some I them are graduating this year, but that is not a reason for them not to join. If anything it will give us some people outside Hogwarts. I think we should get together over the summer, I'll be here anyway so if you could find some time to meet here, just send me an owl." He said walking back to the doors. "We should go back before we're missed." 

He paused before opening the door. "I don't think I have to remind you the necessity of secrecy here. And the subtlety of when you are recruiting? I know this is much to ask of a fifteen year old. But a war is coming, and we all must be prepared." 

James rolled his eyes. "Is it really a war?" he asked sarcastically. "And here I thought you and I were working together for fun, because we get along so terribly well." He really did not appreciate being talked down to by Snivellus. ...Because of age. That was just bizarre. Still, Snape had chosen to involve him in this. He clearly thought him capable. Which was equally bizarre, but James decided to consider that a victory anyway.

"Speaking of recruiting," James said. "I've been over your list. Everyone on it makes sense..." though he'd been surprised to see Remus's name on there. Then again, that had been ages ago for Snape. "But I still have a few questions. Pettigrew's out of the question, for obvious reasons. But I've got to ask..." James crossed his arms. "Is Sirius really off the list for tactical reasons, or is it personal?" 

Severus stared at him for a few seconds before answering. "I was in the order with Black for a year before he foolishly ran into danger putting the entire order in jeopardy. He paid with his life. If he wasn't wise enough to stay home when your son needed him ... What good is he going to be as an adolescent teenager?" Severus asked, telling him more than he wanted to, but James needed to know. "If you want to save him ... Keep him out of this." 

James scowled at him for a long moment, but then nodded. "Alright," he sighed. After what had happened about a week ago... could James really argue that Sirius was responsible enough for this Maybe Sirius would mature differently this time. Maybe he would get better -- Merlin's beard, James was starting to think like Snape. That was terrifying-- but for now, Sirius just wasn't cut out for this.

James hated the idea that Snape was being more reasonable about this than he was. He shoved a hand through his hair, annoyed.

"One more thing," he said. "There is one person on the list that... might actually be more likely to listen if you approached her. Lily Evans... isn't exactly on speaking terms with me at the moment." He glared at Snape, daring him to comment on that. 

Snape smirked slightly. "Sure," he said his grin widening. "I'll ask her when I take her out to dinner after OWLs." He said, walking out the door before James could react. 

"What!?" James shouted at the already closed door. Probably best it was closed; they couldn't have his outburst alerting people that they were here. He ran out into the corridor after Snape, and this time kept his voice down as he hissed, "What exactly do you mean by that?" 

Severus paused in the hall and looked at James confused . "Me and Lily are going out to dinner to celebrate the completion of our OWLs. Also I have some news I'd like to tell her ... But I'll make sure she knows about your little club." Severus said with a chuckle. 

James stood there, staring. Snape was lying. He had to be. Didn't he?

"But-- you ... what?" James stammered, before demanding: "What news?" 

"My business is my business. It has nothing to do with you or your little group." He said, waving his hand as if he were shooing him away. "Now if you'll excuse me. I have other places to be." He said moving down the hall again, a smirk still on his face. Let him stew on that one. 

James stared after him. What did he mean by that? James couldn't even try to hex an answer out of him (as much as he wanted to), because then he'd probably get Obliviated for being too immature to run the student resistance group. Also, it would be stupid and childish and James would be damned if he was going to let Snape be the mature one around here.

That, and Lily would be mad at him for it. As if she weren't already. This new, confident Snape was a menace. 

o0o0o0o0o0o

Severus didn't bother putting his nose in his papers this time as he walked through the grounds of Hogwarts, not really paying attention to where he was going. It didn't matter either way he knew he got all O's on his exams. The last one had just ended, defense against the dark arts. Like that would ever be a challenge for him. He spotted Lily over by the lake, something he hadn't noticed the first time around.   
She was with two other girls that he recalled didn't like him, but that didn't matter. He smiled as he made his way over and cringed when he realized his mistake. He was in perfect sight of none other than Sirius Black, but this time, James Potter wasn't with him. No doubt speaking to other students about recruiting since today was their last day. The feast was tonight and in the morning they would all be going home. 

Sirius was bored as hell, and James wasn't even around to help him find something to do. He'd just run off after exams. That had been just like him lately, all secretive and evasive. Lately, it seemed like he was never there, and he seemed preoccupied even when he was. And not the snicker-worthy kind of preoccupied where he doodled 'L.E.' all over his notes. This was something else... something he wasn't telling Sirius. As if James had just gone off and found a new set of friends that he wasn't telling them about and didn't want them to meet. Like one of those fathers one heard about who had a second identity with a second wife, set of kids, and a dog. And now Remus had been telling him he was being melodramatic, acting like it was all in Sirius's head. Except that, up until just yesterday, Remus had noticed it too. Were Sirius and Peter the only ones left out of the loop here? 

Sirius looked up, a slow smile spreading across his face as he caught sight of Snape. There was a good audience around, people crowding past as they emerged from exams, blinking in the sunlight. Sirius knew an instant cure for boredom. Might even get Remus to quit moping around like a walking guilt trip. Pity he had to do this solo, but that was what James got for ditching him.

Sirius drew his wand as he stood and sauntered over. "Well, if it isn't Snivellus!" he called out loudly. The crowd stopped to watch. No doubt Snivellus would go for his wand; he always did. But Sirius was ready.


	9. Snape's "Worst" Memory

Chapter 9

Over by the lake, Lily heard Black call out that hateful nickname. She froze and turned around. Potter didn't seem to be involved this time, and Remus seemed to want no part of it... but she had an uneasy feeling about it none-the-less. 

Severus sighed and looked to Black, not bothering to draw his wand. He didn't need it to beat this foolish adolescent Gryffindor. 

"What do you want Black?" He asked speaking as if he were speaking to the adult Sirius. "I have places to be, or is there something I can actually assist you with?" He asked thinking of a slew of insults that he wouldn't waste his time with. All much more clever than anything he could have come up with in this original time line. 

Sirius stared at Snape as if he had grown an extra head. Snivellus was a walking pile of concentrated hatred. Extra greasy. And now suddenly he was Mr. Rationality? What was he trying to do, annoy Sirius to death with his oh-so-superior attitude? Out of the blue, it suddenly wasn't even worth Snivellus's time to fight him anymore? Evidently, avoiding Sirius was just the new trend around here.

"Oh my," said Sirius with a mocking bow. "I had no idea you were so important you couldn't even stop to chat with the rest of us. I'll just take a number and get on the waiting list, shall I?"

That got some moderate laughter from the crowd, and Wormtail's undivided attention... which was usually reserved for Prongs. Sirius took that as affirmation to continue.

"Impedimenta!" he snapped, stopping Snivellus in his tracks. If the slimy git decided to go for his wand now, it was too late. Sirius shook his head. "Oh, that's right, I forgot. I hate waiting. Seriously, Snivelly, that kind of attitude is just rude. Why not drop the high-and-mighty act and hang around awhile?"

There was a flash of light, and Snivellus was hanging upside down in the air, his grey school pants around his ankles. That got a good response out of the crowd, though frankly Wormtail was laughing far harder than was strictly necessary. It was a terrible pun, really. Not at all Sirius's best material. Usually, he had James to work off of. But, then, Wormtail would laugh at anything. As much as Sirius had tried to refine him a little, Peter Pettigrew had no sense of comedic wit. Still, a reaction was a reaction. And Sirius was sick of being ignored.

o0o0o0o

Lily barely even spared a glare for her laughing friends as she got up and sprinted over, abandoning her books by the lake.

"Leave him ALONE!" she shouted. 

Severus hung upside down, his clean underwear showing to everyone in the area. It didn't matter to him, it wasn't as if he hadn't been humiliated before and it wasn't as if he had anything to be ashamed of in that area. 

He stared at him blankly and crossed his arms over his chest. "When ever you are quite finished ..." He said calmly. 

A few people laughed now, not just at the fact that Snivellus's underwear were showing... but at Snivellus's comment. When did that ever happen? Sirius stared at Snape. How the hell was he this calm? Normally, he'd be flailing and cursing and trying to hex everything that moved. With Snivellus just doing nothing like this... Sirius felt like a real idiot. And picking on someone who wouldn't even fight back made him strangely uncomfortable. No, dammit. Sirius should not have to feel uncomfortable about messing with Snivellus. Snivellus, with his creepy ways, and his greasy hair, and his Dark Arts obsession, and his Slytherin superiority... He was a walking homage to everything Sirius hated. He had no right to make Sirius feel bad about this, or about last week when Snape had poked his greasy nose into other people's business like he always did and nearly got the rest of them expelled over a simple prank... No. Nothing had changed. Sirius wouldn't let it.

He turned to see Lily approaching and smirked. "Problem, Evans?"

"Obviously," she glared at Sirius, green eyes furious. "Leave him alone. What's he ever done to you?"

"Blinded me," said Sirius. "He's pretty much a walking eyesore. Though, from the rumors, I thought you might actually enjoy the view." He glanced at Snivellus skeptically. "No accounting for taste, I guess."

Seriously, what was that about anyway? She was so friendly with Snivellus, but avoided James like he was a Boggart. It was like having an actual preference for the vomit-flavored Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans. Girls made no sense whatsoever.

Sirius turned to the crowd. "Who wants to see me take Snivelly's undies off?"

Lily drew her wand and pointed it at Sirius. "Put. Him. Down." She was red in the face and shaking from anger and embarrassment.

Sirius laughed. "Oh, come on, Evans. Don't make me hex you. Look, see how calm he is? I could leave him up there all day and your Snivelly-poo would still be perfectly fine." Sirius glanced around and stage-whispered. "I think he secretly likes the attention."

The crowd laughed, still mostly on Sirius's side. He wasn't the only one around here bored after exams, and it was the only show in town.

It was at this point that James arrived on the scene. "Shit," he muttered under his breath, and started trying to make his way through the crowd. 

Severus could see James approaching and wondered just how this would play about this time around. He could already feel his boxers pulling down his hips and glared at Sirius daring him to do it. He could easily break out of the spell Sirius had him in but that was a show of power he didn't want to display quite yet. He would take the humiliation if only to make Sirius look like more of an ass. 

Still nothing out of Snivellus. Sirius had been sure that last jab would get some kind of reaction out of him. The way he just took the humiliation silently, with that defiant stare... Sirius's grin faltered for a moment. He felt sick inside. Everything just felt wrong. This wasn't fun anymore, and he couldn't figure out why, and he didn't want to figure out why, because if he looked too closely at what he was doing, he was afraid of what he might find.

But he couldn't stop now. People were watching. If he just kept going, just acted the same way he always had, the moment would pass, the sick feeling would fade, and he could just ignore it and everything would be fine. Wouldn't it? He saw James approaching, and was instantly relieved.  
"Oi, James!" he called out. "You almost missed out on the fun."

Lily glared at James as he approached. "I swear to god, Potter, if you don't call your friend off and clear out, I am going to--"

James avoided Lily's eyes and turned to Sirius. "Sirius," James shook his head. "Just... stop, okay? This isn't funny anymore."

Sirius stared at James a moment in shock, then shrugged, pretending not to care. "Fine," he said. "Snivellus is being boring today anyway." He waved his wand, and Snape dropped to the ground.

James murmured so that only Sirius could hear. "Marauder's meeting. Now." He turned on his heel and walked off, away from the crowd, knowing the others would follow. Padfoot wasn't going to like what he had to say... or, for that matter, what he couldn't say.

Lily watched, dumbfounded, as James Potter walked away, his little gang of followers in tow, Sirius Black radiating anger and confusion. Then she shook her head, and ran over to Severus. "Are you alright?" she asked. 

Severus shrugged as he righted his underwear that was tugged down his hips showing off a bit of dark hair that ran from just above his belly button down, before pulling up his light grey school uniform pants that had been tugged down when he'd been hung upside down. 

"I'm fine ..." He said glaring at James and wondering just what James was telling Black. If he told him anything about their group ... Especially around Peter. He wouldn't put it past Potter to take things into his own hands. Severus sneered at them .... This could be bad. 

Lily glanced away as Severus put his clothes back in order, trying to give him some semblance of privacy... which seemed somewhat pointless after Sirius Black had just pantsed him in front of everybody, but it was the principle of the thing.

She studied his face to see whether he was actually 'fine,' or if he was just saying that not to worry her. Lily saw him glaring off in Potter and Black's direction.

"Hey," she put a hand on his shoulder. "Let's just go, okay? We'll hang out for awhile, then go to the feast together, and not waste another thought on those toerags."

Of course, Lily fully planned to slap Sirius Black in the face as soon as she had an opportunity. But that was different. She had to wonder, though, why Potter had just called it off. Normally, he'd take any chance he could get to show off. Maybe he was still feeling guilty about the Shrieking Shack incident last week? Could James Potter actually be capable of... learning something? 

Severus looked back at her before looking back at James. He'd deal with that later. "Yeah ... we have a few hours before the end feast. Do you want to go for a walk?" Severus asked, his voice getting a bit quieter. He hated how shy he suddenly got when it came to talking to her. He had such a fear of fucking this up he was amazed he wasn't running from her just to avoid making an ass of himself. 

At least he made it through this without calling her the M word. 

"Sure," Lily said. "We should probably start our walk in the direction of the lake, though. I left my books over there."

She kept her tone casual. There was still a distinct nervousness about Sev when he talked to her lately, ever since he had brought up the idea of dinner. Lily still hadn't figured out her own feelings in that department, but in the meantime she wasn't going to let a little awkwardness get in the way of their friendship. 

Severus motioned her towards the lake in a type of 'Ladies first' type of way and followed her down to the lake to retrieve her books. The two girls she had been with looked at him like a disgusting insect they didn't want anywhere near them but Severus ignored them. He waited for Lily patiently, his hands in his pockets. He could tell Lily was always embarrassed to be seen with him around her friends, but it had never bothered him. If he had to wait for her, he would. 

Lily strode up to the lake to collect her books, already noticing the looks her friends were shooting at Severus. She sighed. Why couldn't everybody just leave everybody else alone? She got enough unnecessary drama from Petunia at home; she didn't need it at Hogwarts too. She didn't ask all of her friends to associate with one another, but was a little civility really too much to ask?

"You two hanging out?" one of them asked. 

Lily nodded. "Yes," she said matter-of-factly. "Yes, we are." She shot her friends a look that roughly translated to: 'Be nice or I will hex you in your sleep.' Then she collected her books. "Catch up with you later," she said pleasantly, then turned around and went back to Severus.

Judging by the whispers behind her, her friends were probably planning to ambush her with an intervention in the dormitory later... which was pretty much a standard practice any time she and Severus were on noticeably good terms. They meant well. Really.

"Shall we?" she asked. 

Severus smiled a bit at her as he turned to walk with her along the lake. Once they were out of ear shot of her friends, he finally mustered up the courage to say what he wanted to say. "Hey um ... I wanted to talk to you actually ... about what I asked you the other day .... when I asked you out to dinner ..." He said, suddenly even more nervous than he had been before. "I know this is all really sudden, but .... I've wanted to ask you for a long time now. And I figured celebrating owls was the best time to do it." He looked at her and swallowed slightly. "I ... I did kind of ..." He paused and stared at the ground. "Wanted it to be a date, but if you just want to stay ... you know ... friends ... then I just want you to know I'm okay with that ... I don't want our friendship to become awkward just because I asked you out to dinner or anything." Severus said, mentally kicking himself with every word. Why did he even bring it up? Why did he have to talk about it now? And why did he keep acting like a teenage boy!!! 

Lily looked up at him, and listened while he spoke. "I..." she said quietly. Dammit. She'd already told herself she refused to feel awkward about this. After they'd known each other for so long, there was no reason they shouldn't be able to talk about it. "...Did kind of wonder about that. When you asked, I mean." She tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear, nervously. "And... I'm not opposed to the idea, it's just... I've never really thought of it before. So I'm still figuring out how I feel about... about that. This isn't a no, but... but I don't want to rush into anything if I'm not sure. That wouldn't be fair to either of us. Our friendship means a lot to me, and whatever happens, I don't want to lose that."  
She winced. "I wish I had a better answer for you than 'maybe,' but... right now, that's all I have." 

Severus smiled at her slightly. "Hey, it's better than a no ... And it's even better than an 'ew I wouldn't date you in a million years.'" He joked with a bit of a laugh. "I don't want to rush anything either, I mean ... We have all the time in the world right?" He asked feeling a bit better about the situation. She didn't say yes, but she didn't say no either which meant on some level she was thinking about it. 

Lily nudged him playfully. "If I did say no, I wouldn't be that mean about it," she protested, laughing. "Well, not to you, anyway."

She had, admittedly, delivered some rather creative rejections to Potter lately. Once, she had told Potter she would sooner date the giant squid, and a few weeks ago, she had said that, if she and Potter were the last remaining human beings (wizarding or otherwise) on the planet, she would rather be responsible for the extinction of the human race than go out with him. But that was because Potter couldn't take a hint. Besides, his ego had an alarming recovery rate.

Severus, on the other hand, seemed ready to respect her wishes, whatever they might be. And he was really taking a risk, putting himself out there like that, even with her. Maybe especially with her; it wasn't as if he had that many other friends.

"Yeah," she agreed with a smile. "All the time in the world. And I promise I'll let you know as soon as I figure it out."

She was glad that this was all out in the open now. She felt as if a huge weight had been lifted. She was also glad that he understood, and wouldn't pressure her for an answer immediately. 

Severus opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted by someone shouting his name. He looked over to see Mulciber and Avery walking up to then. Severus stared at them as they approached. 

"Snape!" Avery called. "Playing with your Mudblood I see." He said a wicked smirk on his face. Severus sneered at him, though he knew with his back to Lily she wouldn't be able to see it. 

Lily froze. She did not draw her wand, but her hand went to rest near it anyway on instinct. These were dangerous times to be Muggle-born, and it was enough to make anyone more than a little jumpy about being called 'Mudblood.' Not to mention angry. She wondered whether Severus fully understood that. He was half-blood himself, but he could still keep up appearances like any good Slytherin.

... And he was about to go keep up appearances again. She was sure of it. He would go off with them now, just as he had been doing all year. Why she had ever expected him to suddenly do any differently was beyond her. It hurt... but what could she do about it?

Her expression hardened. "I'll let you catch up with the elite, shall I?" she murmured bitterly. 

Severus glanced at her, Mulciber laughing as he clapped a hand on Snapes shoulder. Snape twisted his arm around Mulciber's, twisting Mulciber's arm and causing him to let go. 

"Don't touch me." Severus said annoyed. Mulciber and Avery blanked. 

"What's wrong with you?" Mulciber asked walking closer to Snape. "You're our friend, part of our group. Come join us and leave your little Mudblood here." He said pointing lazily at Lily. "If you want a pet I'll get you a dog!" Mulciber said laughing. 

Severus sneered and before he knew it pain shot from his fist up his arm and into his shoulder. He was already on top of Mulciber pinning him to the ground before he even realized that he had punched Mulciber hard enough blood was gushing from his nose. 

"Severus!" Lily shouted in alarm. He was as angry as she had ever seen him, as if all the fury he hadn't directed at Sirius Black earlier had built up until now... and then snapped.

She saw Avery go for his wand, but she had hers out quicker, and disarmed him. Even with her wand pointed directly at him, Avery still had the nerve to lunge for Severus. "Petrificus totalus!" she yelled. Avery fell like a severed tree, and she leaped over him and ran to Snape.

"Severus," she said. "Stop, he's not worth it. Let's just go." 

Severus was knocked back and though he regained his balance he didn't have time to react. he watched Mulciber stand up, blood dripping from his face as he punched Severus in the stomach hard enough to make him double over in pain with a loud 'umph'. 

He fell forward, a punch in the face splitting his lip. Severus remained on the ground shaking in both anger and pain. His body was not used to pain yet. 

"Lucius will hear about this!" Avery said as Mulciber freed Avery from the jinks before they both walked away, Avery glaring at Lily. 

"Good." Severus muttered from the ground, spitting blood into the grass. 

Lily ran to Severus and knelt down beside him, her wand still pointed at Avery and Mulciber until she was sure that they were really walking away.

She laid a hand on Severrus' shoulder. "Just... lie still awhile, alright?" she said, anxiously. "Are you okay?" 

Severus laid on the ground, his knees bent, his feet on the ground as he tried catching his breath. He could feel blood running down his chin and licked his stinging lip. 

"I'm sorry." Severus apologized to her. 

The scolding tirade she had prepared deflated like a balloon. Lily sighed and shook her head. "Don't be," she said. "Just... next time you feel like standing up to them, use words instead? You know I hate seeing you get hurt." She was quiet for a moment, then said: "I'm sorry. For thinking you'd go off with them. You said before that things would be different. I should have believed you."

She was worried, now, about what might happen. No doubt Mulciber and Avery would talk about this. What would happen when Severus went back to the Slytherin common room? He'd been catching enough grief from Potter and crew; he didn't need more from his own house. And what if it wasn't just at Hogwarts? There were more than a few people in Slytherin with Death Eater connections. What the hell had Severus been thinking? 

"I'm fine ... They would retaliate against me no matter what I did. You don't want me hanging around with them anymore and to be honest I don't either ... I could have simply said no and they would have done the same ..." Severus said slowly sitting up. He groaned and put his hand to his stomach. They had clipped his lower rib when they punched him and Severus wondered if it was cracked. 

"I think I should go to the hospital wing." He said. As much as he hated it, he could not allow it to heal on its own. He didn't want to be in pain all through their dinner. 

"That's a good idea," said Lily, helping him up. "I'll come with you." At least he was being smart about taking care of himself. Boys could be complete idiots about that sometimes. Severus was no exception.

Lily couldn't help but feel guilty now. She had told him countless times how much she hated that he hung around with that group... but she had never fully considered the consequences of what she was asking of him. 

((And there's another chapter so – hope you all enjoyed. As always please R&R. I'm still a review whore. And also, story is still in need of editing. If anyone wants to beta – all my contact info is on my profile.))


	10. It's All Wrong

Chapter 10

Severus walked slowly into the hospital wing, his hand on his side and moved to the nearest bed, needing to sit down. His breathing was laboured, the walk from the lake to the hospital wig felt way to long. 

Lily walked with Severus to the Hospital Wing, her concern growing with every step. He was clearly in significant pain.

Once Severus was safely sitting down in the hospital wing, Lily turned to find Madam Pomfrey already bustling toward them, shooing her out of the way.

"What seems to be the trouble, Mr. Snape?" Madame Pomfrey said briskly, waving a wand to heal his split lip. She knew that wasn't all, from the way he had been walking. The boy never bothered coming here for anything so relatively minor.

Lily couldn't help noticing that Madam Pomfrey looked a little disapproving, but not remotely surprised. 

Severus painfully pulled the sweater vest over his head. "I got punched in the stomach. I think I have a cracked rib ... Or something ..." He said not wanting to sound so sure about that. He knew, but knowing would raise to many question. He didn't say who had punched him, it was him who had started it. 

Lily let Severus choose how much to tell Madam Pomfrey, and kept quiet herself, her expression neutral.

Madam Pomfrey nodded. "Shirt off, then, and I'll take a look." With all of these frayed, teenage tempers and exam stress piled up at the end of the year, something always happened to put a few students in here on the last day. 

Severus glanced at Lily who didn't seem to be going anywhere, most likely she was worried. Severus started unbuttoning his shirt and pulled it open revealing his pale chest, a small smattering of dark hair over his chest. It was significantly less than it had been when he was an adult, but his face reddened slightly in embarrassment. A dark purple and blue bruise already was forming on his torso where he'd been punched. 

He placed his shirt on the bed next to him, hissing in pain at the movement. 

Lily winced in sympathy at the already massive dark bruise forming on his torso. She looked away, because he seemed a little embarrassed. Though Lily was not sure why; he didn't have anything to be particularly embarrassed about. Then again, everyone had always acted like he was so terribly repulsive, so it made sense that he would be self-conscious. Which was stupid, really, and made Lily want to go track down everyone who had ever made disparaging comments about Sev's appearance and jinx them with something horrible.

Personally, she'd never really seen what people were talking about. Maybe it was just because she'd known him for so long, but to her, he had always just been Sev. And, now that she thought of him in that context, she couldn't see any compelling reason to consider him unattractive... Lily felt her own face redden, and stopped that train of thought for now.

Madame Pomfrey inspected Severus, and nodded. "Yes, that's definitely a cracked rib... Alright, Mr. Snape. I'll just need you to hold still while I heal this." 

Severus held still as he felt the painful tingling sensation of his rib mending, could feel the bruise fading. It wasn't long before the wound was healed an she turned her wand on his face. Severus flinched at first as the move to him was rather sudden, but stilled so that she could heal his lip. 

"The wound on your lip is deep, I can heal it but it will leave a bit of a scar. That can't be helped. Once it fades a bit on its own we can work to rid you of it." She said running another diagnostics charm over him. "You're still malnourished. I'd like you to try to start eating properly dear, you skip far too many meals." She said knowing as always Severus would not listen. 

At Madam Pomfrey's comment about skipping meals, Lily looked up at Severus and mouthed: "I told you so." She was going to have to get onto his case about that again. She'd have to see how many times she could drag him over to her parents' house over the summer and feed him. Someone had to. 

Severus blushed again slightly as he pulled his short back on, his hands moving over the buttons putting each of them in place. 

"The feast isn't that long from now. Why don't you two head down there?" Pomfrey suggested in a way of a dismissal. Severus stood of the bed and picked up his vest pulling it over his head and pulling his black robe over it. 

Lily nodded and headed over to Severus.  
"Sounds like a good idea," she said, then joked: "Since apparently I have to supervise your meal consumption." 

Severus scoffed. "Well be at separate tables remember? You won't be supervising me doing anything. Unless you plan on sending me telepathic scoldings." He said with a chuckle. "I promise I'll eat something." He said following her out of the hospital wing and to the great hall. 

" 'Something' is vague," Lily laughed. "I demand that you eat at least two food groups. I have ways of finding out, you know."

As they made their way to the Great Hall, she was glad Severus seemed to be in higher spirits now. He'd had one hell of a rough day. It still worried her, though, the idea of Severus alone with the other Slytherins after what had happened. 

Before they entered the great hall he paused and smirked. "Want to really piss off Potter?" Severus asked with a smirk. He could hear Potter inside talking rather unnecessarily loud. 

"Always," Lily grinned. "You have something in mind?" 

Severus smirked and held his hand out to her. "I told Potter earlier I was taking you to dinner but he didn't seem to believe me ..." He said waiting to see if she'd take his hand. 

Lily smirked back, and took his hand. "Well, we can't have that, now can we?" 

Severus smiled as he walked with her into the great hall, his fingers entwining with hers. He heard Potter stop speaking before he even saw him glaring at them. But sure enough Potter was glaring at then madder than a hippo with a hernia. He could practically see the steam coming out Potters nose. 

Lily found that holding hands with Severus didn't bother her at all. It was kind of nice, really. She didn't know if that meant anything, but it was something to consider.

It took all of her willpower, however, not to laugh out loud at the look on Potter's face. "Do you think his head will explode?" she whispered so that only Severus could hear. 

Severus smiled and leaned in to her, with his hight difference he had to lean down to whisper into her ear. "I think he might start crying in fact. It looks like he's going to come over here and hex me." He said with a laugh. He noticed quite a few more people where coming into the great hall and where starting to stare at them. 

"We should go to our tables before rumours start and your friends start an intervention." He said sliding his hand out of hers. 

"They're probably planning one already," Lily sighed and let go, slipping away to go join Gryffindor table.

She really hoped Severus was joking about... well, about most of the things he'd just said. She didn't want to make anyone cry, not even Potter... which she didn't think was likely anyway. Potter had an ego of steel. He did, however, look like he just might get up and hex Severus... which was also something to be avoided. She didn't want Severus getting hurt or in trouble over this. He'd had enough to deal with today as it is.

By this point, an attempted intervention from her friends was inevitable. But rumours weren't just limited to Gryffindor, and Lily was far more worried about what a Slytherin intervention might look like.

It was stupid that she even had to worry about this. Whatever was or wasn't between her and Severus shouldn't be anyone else's business. She shouldn't have to care what anyone thought... but she was worried about Severus. 

Severus sat down at the table and waited for Dumbledore to finish his asinine speech before keeping with his promise to actually eat. He pulled his food onto his plate feeling better than ever. The smirk never left his face as he started eating, ignoring everyone around him. It was a few minutes later when one of the seventh years came and sat next to him. He couldn't remember his name but knew he'd been a death eater that had even captured during the first war. 

The seventh year boy clapped his hand on Severus shoulder as If he were an old friend. "Keep up this behaviour Snivey ...." The boy whispered to him causing Severus to freeze, his entire body feeling numb. "And we'll kill your little Mudblood whore." He said causing Severus to pale, his stomach churning. 

Lily found herself glancing over at the Slytherin table repeatedly, just to reassure herself that Severus was alright. At the end of Dumbledore's speech, she saw a seventh year Slytherin sit down next to Severus and whisper something. The older student's body language didn't seem openly hostile... but whatever he said shocked Severus badly. He looked ill. Worse than this afternoon, when he'd been bleeding. And his face went noticeably paler... which for Severus was downright alarming.   
He looked like... well, the Muggle expression 'like he'd seen a ghost' didn't really work for Hogwarts students. Sev didn't look like he'd seen a ghost. He looked like he was one.

But there was nothing she could do for the moment. At least they couldn't do anything to Sev right now, not in plain sight of the entire Hogwarts staff. She'd have to get a hold of him later and find out what was going on, and if there was any way she could help. 

Severus placed his fork and knife down on the table as the seventh year walked away. He had barely taken two bites of his food but he found that he couldn't stomach anything. Severus stood from his seat and moved to the front door and headed towards the common rooms. This was a turn of events that he should have anticipated, but he didn't think it would happen this soon. At least not while they were in school. If there was anyone who knew the death eaters, it was him. He wouldn't put it past them to make it look like an "accident". 

Lily saw Severus get up and leave suddenly. She forced herself to wait a few minutes before making an excuse to her friends, saying she'd be right back, and leaving the Great Hall after him. She didn't want any casual observer to be able to tell she was following Severus... but she had to find out what was wrong. 

Severus decided to forgo going to the common room and moved through the castle wanting to get away from everyone. He paused in the hallway on the seventh floor not even realizing he'd gone upstairs and paused. He walked back and forth a minute before he started kicking the wall angrily and banging his fists against the hard stone. He paused and rested his head against the wall before turning and sliding down the wall to sit on the floor. 

What now? Nothing was going as it should be .... He was going to lose Lily anyway. Whether from walking away from her to protect her, or from her death happening again .... there was no form of reality where he could have her. That realization suddenly ate at him more than her death had originally ... even then he had this thoughts of "what if" ... but this is "what if" and "what if" is turning out to be the exact same as "it was" ... 

Lily finally caught up with him on the seventh floor. She heard banging on the walls, and sprinted up the last few stairs... just to find Severus sinking to the floor to sit against the wall.

She stood there for a moment, not sure what to do or how to approach him. She couldn't even remember ever seeing him quite this upset.

"Severus?" she whispered. "Severus... what's wrong?" 

Severus clenched his fists, his arms resting on his knees. His entire body stiffened when he heard her voice. He couldn't do this to her. "You shouldn't be here." He said quietly, staring straight ahead. Maybe if he didn't look at her he could will himself back to where he'd come from ... back to the shrieking shack. He'd take the gouge on his neck, the torn flesh and blood over this .... he couldn't hear she'd been killed again. He couldn't do it. 

He was sure this time around that no matter what happened - if Lily was murdered .... especially because of him .... not even Dumbledore would be able to stop him from joining her. 

Lily shook her head. "I'm not going anywhere," she said quietly. She went over to him, sat down on the floor beside him, and laid a hand on his arm. "Sev," she said gently. "Whatever it is, you can tell me." 

Severus moved away from her, still not looking at her. "No ... I can't." He said staring at the floor. He couldn't tell anyone. Truth be told he could tell Dumbledore and have the student expelled without graduating for threatening the life of a student .... but that would just make the matter worse and they knew that. He should have expected this .... should have seen this coming. He was stupid to think he could just sit aside while the war was going on. He was going to be dragged right back into the thick of it. 

Lily let Severus move away, but still stayed where she was, looking steadily at him. Whatever Severus was dealing with, it was clearly devastating him. He shouldn't have to face it alone. Especially if it had something to do with this afternoon. If that was the case, then she was involved already, whether Severus liked it or not. She wasn't going anywhere. "Severus," she said quietly. "What did he say to you?" 

Severus kept staring at the floor and kept his mouth shut. He didn't know what to do. He couldn't tell her ... he couldn't! If he told her ... then what? If he told her at least then she'd be prepared .... or she'd be scared to be around him ... Severus closed his eyes and rested his head in his knees. For once he was lost. He had no one to follow ... he wasn't a leader, even when he was headmaster. He was a follower, he took orders, this ..... this was all new to him. And he felt like he was failing. 

Lily didn't know what to do. It hurt to see him like this. How was she supposed to help if he wouldn't let her? "Sev, please," Lily wrapped her arms around him. "Don't shut me out, just..." What else was she supposed to say? How could she get him to confide in her? For awhile, she just stayed there and hugged him in silence. Then she finally spoke again: "Was it about what happened this afternoon?" 

Severus leaned his head back against the wall and closed his eyes. It felt good having her hold him like this but she should be downstairs with her friends ... not up here with him worrying. 

"They said if I kept hanging around you, they'd do something really bad." Severus said opening his eyes and staring at the wall ahead of him. 

Lily had been afraid it might be something along those lines... surely the possibility had occurred to Severus before too? He was still holding something back, she was sure of it. There was no way Severus would be this distraught over so vague a threat. Lily was quiet for a moment, before asking: "How bad?" 

Severus looked down the hall way before looking at her. "I don't want to talk about it. I have to think on what's going to happen next year ... I don't want to stop being your friend ... you know how I feel about you ... but ..." Severus paused and looked back down at the ground. "If you feel that this is to dangerous ... being around me ... then I won't be mad at you or anything if you walked away." Severus said, knowing she more than likely would. Just like last time. 

Lily stared at him. "What? Severus... Do you want me to leave?" No. That didn't make any sense. She knew that wasn't what he wanted. Before this afternoon, she might of doubted it, but she'd just seen him punch one of his former friends in the face for calling her the 'M' word. He had to have known he was taking a risk, and that hadn't bothered him so much before. No. Severus wasn't worried for his own sake... he was worried about her.

"No," Lily shook her head, starting to get angry. "I'm not going to just abandon you because of what someone else thinks! We'll come up with something else." 

Severus looked at her, feeling rather defeated. After coming straight out of a war and being thrust back into the start of it, Severus felt like his entire brain was melting inside his skull at this point. "Like what?" He asked. "If we tell Dumbledore his solution would be to separate us ..." Severus paused and thought about it a moment. Things are still changing. Other things that would impact everyone else as well. He hadn't thought of that as well ... he'd focused on the threat and nothing more. 

"I have an idea ... and I think it will work ..." He said sitting cross legged now and starting to calm down a bit. "No one sees us over the summer so we'll be fine over the summer - when we go out to dinner, I'll tell you the rest of my idea okay? It's in relation to the news I want to give you." He said, knowing Dumbledore scheduled a meeting with the wizengamot for two weeks into summer. "It won't be easy in the least ... but it'll keep us both safe." 

Lily nodded. "Alright," she said. "And in the meantime, I think if we're careful we can both keep a low profile until tomorrow morning." Now that they knew there was a serious threat in place, anyway. In hindsight, walking into the Great Hall holding hands had not been the best possible move.

She was glad to see him calming down a little, though. The sheer level of despair he'd shown was alarming.

She looked him in the eyes. "Are you going to be alright? Going back to the Slytherin Common Room tonight, I mean." 

"I'm going to go and speak with Dumbledore. I'll tell him something vague along the lines of what happened. I'm sure he'll find somewhere else for me to stay tonight." He said, though had no intentions of actually doing so. He said it more to put her mind at ease. He knew she wouldn't sleep if she continuously thought he was in danger. "I'll be fine tonight." 

Lily looked at Severus for a moment, unsure of whether he actually intended to go to Dumbledore, or what he would even tell the headmaster if he did. He'd have to walk a very thin line to give Dumbledore enough information to take the problem seriously, but not enough to warrant splitting them apart, or risk bringing down retribution from other hostile Slytherins.

Severus had a talent for that kind of subtlety when he put his mind to it, but still... Whatever Severus had up his sleeve, at least she knew he would be cautious now and watch out for himself.

"Okay," she sighed. "Just... Be careful anyway." 

Severus nodded. "I will."


	11. Keeping Up Appearances

Chapter 11 

After they separated Severus walked to the common room, his hands in his pockets. He wasn't afraid o these boys, but he feared for Lily. What they would do to her when he wasn't around. 

Severus stepped into the common room, knowing there was only one thing he could do. Pretend he had an ulterior motive to being around Lily. Be smart about this so it would keep them off his tail .... Make excuses. 

Once Snape had entered the common room, Mulciber and Avery were on him almost immediately, as if they had been lying in wait. Avery shoved him into a wall. Mulciber had a nasty bruise forming on his face where Snape had hit him, and an angry scowl to match.

"Care to tell us," Mulciber snarled. "What the hell that was about? Because it looks like you've completely lost your mind over that dirty little Mudblood."

Enough other Slytherins were present in the Common Room that, if a fight were to break out, it could go very badly for Severus.

The seventh year who had approached him earlier was lounging in a nearby chair, listening. 

"You really are a dull twit aren't you?" Severus asked sneering at him and shoving him away from him. "I'm using her you idiot!" He said straightening his uniform. "I have every intention of showing her her place ... And I can't do that if you keep interfering!" Severus said yelling angrily by the end of his sentence. 

They stared.

"What?" Avery asked, eyebrows lowering. "How are you planning on doing that?"

"And was it really necessary to be quite that convincing?" Mulciber crossed his arms. "Really, Snape, if you'd just said something before, I could have helped you put on a show instead of putting you in the Hospital Wing."

The seventh-year in the armchair continued listening, with a judicious stare that did not seem convinced. 

"And what exactly would a show be worth?" He asked. "She isn't stupid ... If you had kept your nose in your own business nothing would have happened. My plans for her are my own business and so help me Salazar if you touch what is mine, I will personally see your testicles filled with acid and make sure you will never ..." He glanced down at his pants, a disgusted look on his face. "Work ... again." He said getting right into Mulciber's face. "Do I make myself clear?" He asked, wondering if his intimidating persona still worked as a teenager. He hoped so, the last thing he needed was an entire room of Slytherin's seeing through his act. 

Mulciber's eyes widened slightly, and he took a step back, holding out both hands apologetically. "Alright, alright, you've made your point. We're just trying to look out for your best interests here; Slytherin's got an image to keep up, you know?"

Avery nodded in earnest agreement.

Mulciber glanced around, aware that people were watching him.  
He cracked a smile and laughed, though there was a slight edge of nervousness to it. "You really had us all going there. Poor little Mudblood will never see it coming."

They both turned and walked away.

The seventh-year in the chair stared at Snape for a long moment afterward, before turning back to his own friends. He still did not look entirely convinced, but seemed appeased for the moment. 

Severus glanced at the seventh year, he wouldn't matter - he was gone after today. It was the others he had to appease. He moved to his room and changed into his pajamas, before crawling into bed. He suddenly regretted not having eaten anything. His stomach growled rather loudly as he shut the curtains around his bed, using a sticking charm to keep them shut and placed a silencing charm over his bed. He didn't want to think about anything but sleep. 

Even despite that though, sleep did not come easy. 

Lily was preoccupied as she headed back to the Gryffindor common room. Would Severus be alright? Would Dumbledore protect him from the other Slytherins for now? The more she thought about it, the more she thought he wouldn't. But Sev knew how to watch out for himself... right?

Did it mean something, that she was this worried about him? Or was it just because he was a good friend in trouble? Trying to figure that out was complicated enough without the threat of imminent danger to both of them. To think, hours ago her biggest worry had been the OWLs.

It wasn't until she stepped through the portrait hole that Lily realized how long she and Severus had been talking... and remembered that she'd told her friends she would be right back. 

Mary McDonald immediately looked up at Lily, and stood up. "You've been with that Snape boy haven't you?" Mary asked as Henrietta and Marleen joined her. "I thought you said you were going to be right back Lily. Why are you running off with him? He's no good. You see the kind of stuff he's into." Mary said, as if Lily had grown another head. 

"Yeah, just look at what Snape and his friends did to Mary the other week! And he thought it was funny!" Henrietta complained. She seriously didn't understand what Lily saw in Snape ... he was ugly, greasy, fowl tempered and had an all-around horrid disposition. 

Lily sighed. This was really going to take some explaining. "Look, I'm sorry. I didn't realize I was gone that long, but it was really important." She shook her head. "And I told you, I already confronted him about what happened the other week. It was wrong of him to treat it lightly, but that was Mulciber who did that, not Snape, and right now they're not even friends anymore."

Marleen rolled her eyes. "Or so he says, Lily. Do you really buy that?"

How could she make them understand? A couple weeks ago, she had been completely furious with Severus, unable to believe him, and on the verge of giving up on him completely. And she had known him for years, long before he'd started getting involved with that lot. How could she explain that to her friends, who had only seen him at his worst? 

"Lily, we're trying to look out for you. That boy is nothing but trouble!" Mary said. "He's probably just using you! I don't think he has your best intentions at heart. He's a greedy cruel boy and will grow into a greedy cruel man ..." Mary said seriously worried about her friend. "Next time he comes around, you tell him you don't want to see him anymore. Come spend time with us, forget about him. He doesn't need you anyway, he's got all his death eater buddies." 

Lily shook her head. "You don't get it; they're not his buddies anymore. I think he's in serious trouble now and... and it's at least partially because of me." She looked at Mary. "I understand what you're trying to do, and I appreciate your concern, but... right now he does need me, and now that he's finally trying to be a better person again, I can't just give up on him." 

"It was his own fault for getting himself in the situation he's in! It shouldn't be your responsibility to get him out!" Henrietta said angrily. "Why should you go out of your way to help him when he's done nothing for you! You are putting yourself in danger by associating with him .... a leopard doesn't change it's spots overnight Lily!" 

Mary shook her head at Lily. "Go to him then ... if you choose him over us ... then go to him ... but when he hurts you ... don't you dare come crying back to us!" Mary said turning and walking up to the dorm rooms. 

"I'm not choosing anyone over anyone!" Lily said angrily, though Mary was already on her way up to the dorms. There was no point trying to reason with her right now. But she still had the others to deal with.

"And we're not talking about leopards and spots, we're talking about people! People are complicated and they make mistakes, and... and how can you be so sure he's done nothing for me? It's not like any of you stick around when he shows up anyway." 

"That's because we're not blind to who he is, nor who he hangs around with." Henrietta said. "He's winding down a dark path and you're going to get hurt if you follow him." She said. "You may not want to .... but you have to choose ... him ... or us. Because if you choose him, we aren't going to be here when you fall." Henrietta said agreeing with Mary. "It's not fair to you, and it's not fair to us .... so whether you like it or not ... you're choosing one." She said going up to the dorms with Mary.

Marleen shook her head, and turned to follow the other two.  
"They're right, Lily," she said. "And I'm not going to hang around and watch you wreck your life over Severus Snape."

Then Marleen too walked up the stairs, leaving Lily standing alone in the Common Room.  
Lily stood there for a moment, seething with anger. Had she seriously just lost all of her friends in Gryffindor? Just like that? 

"Fine, then," Lily muttered. They would either come around or they wouldn't. But she wasn't about to abandon one friend just because her other friends said she should. This kind of 'us and them' mentality never led to anything good in the real world, and was a load of immature melodramatic drama here.   
Severus had just lost all of his friends for her. If she abandoned him now to keep hers... that would be outrageously unfair. If Lily had to choose, then it had to be Severus. 

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Severus yawned as he walked through the train, moving to the very last cart which was still empty, and he knew it would until Lily showed up. No one ever wanted to share a cart with him. Not even the students in his own house. 

He tossed his bag up onto the top rack of the cart and sat down, sitting sideways, his feet up on the seat, leaning back against the wall by the window. He hadn't slept much the night before and was required to be up at six in the morning to catch the train. He was tired. 

Lily easily found the compartment Severus had claimed, and let herself in, closing the door behind her.  
Sev looked exhausted, and from the way he had put his feet up, Lily decided he had the right idea. Once she had stowed her things, she took up a similar position on the seat opposite from him.

"Rough night?" she asked.

Lily hadn't managed to really get any sleep at all either. At least Severus seemed to be in one piece; that was certainly a relief. 

"Mmm..." Severus groaned, his eyes closed. "A lot on my mind." He said slowly opening his eyes and looking at her. He still couldn't believe he was here. He kept expecting to open his eyes and it would all be a dream. That he was still lying on the floor of the shack, hallucinating from blood loss. Do people even hallucinate from blood loss? Severus wasn't sure, but he kept expecting it. 

"You're really here right?" He asked, watching her, knowing the question would confuse her more than anything, but he couldn't help but ask. Even if it was a silly question to her. 

Lily raised an eyebrow, confused at what he meant by that. "No, I'm an android like in one of those Muggle movies," she laughed. "Of course I'm here. Where else would I be?"

She studied his face. Was he just surprised that she had stuck around? Was that what this was about?

"And I'm not going anywhere," she reassured him, stifling a yawn. "Except maybe to sleep." 

Severus turned in his seat and moved to the other side of the compartment, sitting on the other side of the bench. He held his hand out to her. "I make a better pillow than the wall does." He said quietly. "Unless you don't want to ... in which case I'll probably blush profusely and move back to my seat in shame." He said with a bit of a chuckle. 

Lily looked over at him for a moment, her face reddening slightly. "Um... sure," she said, then smiled. "Why not?" She took his hand and went over to him, leaning her head against his shoulder. "Yep," she agreed. "Definitely better than the wall." After she'd spent all night worrying about whether Severus was safe, having him this close was... reassuring. 

Severus was a little shocked that she actually leaned against him, and he wrapped his arm around her. He wasn't very comfortable himself, but he couldn't imagine being anywhere else right now. 

It wasn't long later that he slowly drifted to sleep. 

This was actually rather nice, Lily decided. Could just be because she was tired... she'd figure that out later. From the sound of Severus's breathing, he seemed to have fallen asleep. That was good. Sev needed it. Lily yawned again and closed her eyes, finally able to relax, and drifted to sleep as well.


	12. A Few Recruits

Chapter 12

Severus was woken up by the sliding of the door opening. He opened his eyes and saw Potter with his back to him, silently closing the door. 

"What do you want?" Severus whispered, not wanting to wake up Lily. 

James stared in shock at Lily Evans asleep with her head on Snape's shoulder. How the hell had that happened? He didn't understand it. It... it was Snape, dammit! What was going on between them? Was there really something there, or did Snape just keep arranging these moments to piss James off? Was Lily in on it? James knew he made her angry... well, pretty much all the time. Was this some kind of mutual vengeance thing? 

But... but... Lily was genuinely asleep snuggled up to Snape! There was no way she had done that just in case James decided to stop by and bother them. Was there?

James had to look away; he was giving himself a headache. "Um... right," he whispered, rubbing at his temples. "Look... What Sirius did yesterday... I talked to him about it, and it shouldn't happen again. If it does, you come tell me, and I'll take care of it. So..."

He looked down at Snape again, only to see Lily there resting against him. James felt like his brain was trying to tie itself into a knot. He gestured wildly, but still whispered: "She is just doing this to piss me off, right? Tell me you're both just doing this to piss me off?" 

So that's what their little Marauders meeting was about? He looked down at lily before looking back up at Potter. 

"I have no idea what you are talking about." He said stretching his legs though careful not to wake Lily. He was sore from how he was sitting, but it was okay. "You didn't tell Black or Pettigrew did you?" Severus asked. 

You know bloody well what I'm talking about you smug, greasy, hook-nosed bastard.

But James kept those thoughts inside his head. "What?" James stared at him. "Yes," he said, sarcastically. "After that stunning display of maturity, I decided that Sirius was responsible enough for top-secret information after all. And then I splinched my brain and gave Pettigrew the benefit of the doubt while I was at it." He rolled his eyes. "Honestly, if you really think I'm that stupid, why did you involve me in the first place?" 

"You can't fault me for making sure. I was basing your ability to lead of what I learned of your adult self ... Not your current maturity because you are still rather immature. Either way ..." Severus paused as Lily moved, scared she would wake up. When she stilled again Severus let go of the breath he hadn’t realized he'd been holding. "Do you think your parents would allow you to come back to the school a few times over the summer?" Severus asked. 

"I am not immat-" James started to argue, but then they both paused as Lily moved in her sleep. If she woke up and saw James in the compartment, she'd probably be angry at him for dropping in on them, or possibly just for existing in their general vicinity.

This was still just too weird. 

It took a moment to get his brain back on track and process what Snape was actually saying.

"Um... yeah, probably. I should be able to arrange that."

"Have you recruited anyone yet? Did anyone reject the 'invitation'?" He asked. Anyone who rejected it would have to be obliviated for cautionary reasons. 

James nodded. "Remus is in, and he hasn't said a word either. Plus a few others..."

James fished a list he'd made out of his pocket, with the names of people who had already agreed to join. "No outright rejections yet, but the ones with stars by their names took a lot of convincing, so we may want to watch them, make sure they're committed to it." 

Severus looked at the list. There were two stars. "They'll join ... and they won't say anything. Even with what little information you gave them they will understand how important this movement is. They will be committed. I'm not worried about those two. It's the ones on the other list I'm worried about. We will start recruiting those ones after school starts again. When we will have the time to monitor and keep an eye on them. Recruit one at a time, make sure they are fully committed before moving onto the next. It'll take a bit longer but leave for less leaks." Severus handed the list back to him. "Keep an eye on that. Put a blank charm on it if you need to, but make sure no one else gets it. If they do, think of some excuse beforehand. Start thinking a head on everything. It will be hard to do at first, but it will become second nature." 

He paused and looked up at James. "You are good at wizards chess as I remember yes?" Severus asked. 

"Yes," James answered, and crossed his arms, a little irritated. He also knew perfectly well how to keep someone from reading a piece of parchment if he didn't want them too, and he had plenty of experience making up excuses... Then again, maybe not quite on the level of Future Snape. And, admittedly, James maybe didn't always plan his actions out ahead of time.

He really hated realizing that Snape had a point... especially right now, when Snape also apparently had Lily. But there was more going on here than just them. James had to keep reminding himself of that. 

"Look at it all like a game of chess, you always have to think a few moves ahead otherwise you'll be losing more pieces than necessary and could in the end put your king in check mate and the game is over. That's the last thing we want. As a leader this is exactly what this is going to be .... you'll be getting pawns and rooks and bishops, and you'll have to move them into the correct spots, with the correct orders ... you won't just be training them ... you'll be leading them." He said with a sigh. "With my help of course. It's why I want you to come to the school over the summer. I'll start you on some training of your own, things you aren't taught in school. You'll have a bit of a heads up on any potential death eaters at the school." He said looked down at Lily to make sure she was still sleeping. "They don't start learning anything outside school until they've been fully recruited which will be around eighteen or nineteen. It's rare they'll take anyone younger though they do take considerations, and do have supporters in the school." 

James nodded solemnly. The metaphor began to take on some disturbing implications. If any 'pieces' were lost... James would be responsible for it. Sure, people had followed James before... but not in a situation like this. However apt the chess metaphor might be, this wasn't a game. If James failed to think ahead, if he messed up... the consequences could be dire.

Suddenly, he was glad to have someone more experienced working with him... even if it was Snape.

"I understand," he said. He paused for a moment, and nodded at Lily. "How much of this are you planning on telling her?" 

Severus shrugged. "I'll tell her ... all of it. But not now. Not when so much is hanging in the balance. The less she knows of me, the safer she'll be. The last thing we need is for someone to do something to her to get to me ... or you ..." He said pausing as he saw a seventh year Hufflepuff walk past their cart to the washroom that was at the end of the train. Once the Hufflepuff went back to their own cart he continued speaking. "Once all of this is over, and we're all safe ... then I'll tell her. Everything. Who I was, what I've done .... I don't want to keep secrets from her, and I hate having to do that right now. But it's not what she needs. What she needs now is a friend who will stay by her side, and people she can surround herself with that will work with her, and help fight with her." He said, careful not to say the word protect. She didn't need to be protected. She needed her back covered. Lily wasn't the type of girl to be locked away in a tower while other people fight for her. 

"I will be telling her of our group ... I'll tell her you were suggesting it to Remus and I overheard. She'll believe that. I'll have a bit of a time convincing her that I convinced you to allow me to join behind the scenes ... but I'll think of something." He said, still unsure how that was going to play out. 

"Guess that works," James shrugged. "If... if you think that's safer."

He couldn't look at Snape with his arm around Lily for much longer. He turned to leave. "Right. That's all I came to say. Unless there's something else we need to talk about, I'll... see you for training." 

Severus nodded. "Yes. Message me when you're free." He said as James left the compartment.

((Sorry guys short chapter but here you go, as always, every Friday. Saturday if I’m particularly lazy xD please please please R&R I’m loving all the reviews. The more the merrier. :D ))


	13. The Evans Family

Chapter 13

Severus came back into the compartment and crouched down next to where he left Lily sleeping. The train was about to stop and he had to change into his muggle clothes. The retched ugly rags that barely passed as clothing. 

"Lily." Severus whispered. "Lily, we're stopping soon." He said gently shaking her shoulder. 

"Hmm?"

Lily blinked a few times as she returned to wakefulness. She brushed her hair back from her face, and looked at Severus, crouched down beside her. "Did I really sleep the whole way?" 

Severus smirked slightly, though he didn't show his teeth. He nodded as he held his hand out to her to help her sit up. "You did. It's okay though, you needed the sleep." They both did, but Severus wasn't about to complain about his lack of sleep. He was used to not sleeping. "The train is going to stop soon. You should go get changed." He said, thinking back to the end of his fifth year. Did someone come to pick him up? No .... no, no one came to pick him up. And because he'd been in a fight with Lily, the Evan's hadn't driven him home either. He remembered Mr. Evans asking if he'd like a ride home to Cokeworth .... remembered looking at Lily and declining. He also remembered the two days it took him to walk home in the rain. 

Severus could already tell from the clouds outside that it was going to start raining soon. At least this time, he didn't have to walk. 

Lily took his hand, and sat up, then stretched and stood. 

"Right, better go put on my Muggle costume," Lily smiled slightly. Just one of these days, she would like to see the look on Petunia's face if she showed up at the station still in wizarding attire... but there were rules against that for a reason.

"You alright?" she asked. "Did you get enough sleep yourself?" 

"I'm fine." Severus said as she stood up, avoiding the sleep question. "Why?" He asked, wondering why she would ask such a thing. Other than the fact that he was probably still staring at her like a dope. He still had a hard time grasping the reality that she was there .... standing in front of him .... watching him .... looking at him funny cause he was staring at her grinning like an idiot. He should stop that ... he knew that .... but ... Severus opened his mouth to say something before he realized it would make no sense to her. Instead he said "You better hurry up ... don't want to keep your parents waiting." He said feeling the train slowly coming to a stop. 

Lily was about to answer that Severus seemed... preoccupied by something, and still looked a little tired, dazed almost, and that he had not really answered her question, strictly speaking... when the train stopped.

"Right!" she ran to go change. "See you in a minute!" she called back after him. 

"I'll be out on the platform." Severus said before he pulled his trunk off the top rack and pulled Lily's down as well. He pulled them into the hall and down to the platform. He thought about shrinking them, but that would seem to suspicious to everyone around him. As he expected, Eileen or Tobias wasn't on the platform, he did how ever, see Mr. And Mrs. Evans standing and waiting for Lily. Surprisingly ... or he supposed, unsurprisingly, Petunia wasn't there. 

"Hello Mr. Evans, Mrs. Evans." He greeted them, with a soft smile. "Lily's just getting changed. She fell asleep on the train." He said passing Lily's trunk to her father. 

"Good to see you, Severus," Mr. Evans said amicably, taking Lily's trunk. No sooner had Lily's trunk exchanged hands, then Mrs. Evans walked up and hugged him. She knew the boy wasn't really one to be fussed over, but someone had to, didn't they?

"How was your year, Severus dear? My goodness, you're getting to be quite tall now, aren't you?"  
Perhaps a recent growth spurt was why he was so thin... or maybe it was because he was so busy studying that he forgot to eat, as Lily often complained that he did. Well. They would just have to do something about that over the summer. 

Lily emerged from the train in jeans and a pale blue t-shirt. "Hi, Mum! Hi Dad!" She ran up to them.

"There you are," said her father said, wrapping an arm around her, then added jokingly. "Taking forever to change as usual."

"I do not!" Lily grinned. Then she turned to her mum, who instantly dragged her into what was now a group hug.

"Ow! Mum, I'm using those lungs!" she laughed.

Mr. Evans frowned thoughtfully, scanning the crowd, not seeing Tobias or Eileen anywhere. He turned to Severus.

"Do you need a ride back from the station, Severus?" 

Severus embarrassingly rubbed his hand over his neck as he gently pulled away from Mrs. Evans. "I'm sure she'll be here soon." He said, knowing that there was no way Tobias would show up. He knew neither of them where going to show up - but if he didn't show a little resistance against it, and jumped at the chance for the ride, it would seem rather suspicious and out of character for him. 

"I don't want you to go out of your way for me." He said, knowing his house was quite a bit farther than theirs. It had always taken him almost an hour and a half to walk from his house to the park where he always met Lily, where as it was an additional five minute walk to Lily's house. The park was much more convenient for her. Even driving - it would put them back over half an hour to drop him off and get home themselves. 

"Oh, don't be silly," said Mrs. Evans. "It's not any trouble." Besides, Lily might like to spend some more time talking to her friend.

"Why don't we wait a little while," said Mr. Evans. "And if we still don't see her, you can ride back with us?"

Mr. Evans worried about Severus. The boy's parents had never seemed to take an active interest in him. This would not be the first time they had been late to pick him up from the platform, or not shown up at all. Maybe they were just very busy. It was not his business to pry, and he certainly did not want to embarrass the young man... Still. It was worrying.

Lily looked at Severus. "Really, Sev, it's no problem." He could be so stubborn about this sort of thing sometimes. 

Severus shrugged. "I suppose ..." He said as Mr. Evans was already taking his trunk from him and putting it into the deep trunk of the car next to Lily's. He moved to the other side of the car, the side he usually sat in when Petunia wasn't there, and got into the car after Mr. and Mrs. Evans got in. There really was no arguing with the Evans'. Even after Lily had stopped talking to him, he recalled many times where he would be walking past their house for one reason or another and if Lily wasn't home, the Evans' always invited him in for a cookie, or lunch to 'talk'. He knew they were just trying to take care of him ... to do the job his own parents weren't doing. He always politely declined.

He had his suspicions that the Evans' knew he was being abused at home, but they never said anything. They always tried to be there for him though, in other ways. 

Lily got into the car and sat in the back next to Severus, and buckled her seatbelt. She was glad her parents were always so welcoming toward Severus... and a little relieved that Petunia wasn't here. It was just the sort of thing that Petunia never really seemed to understand; she didn't seem to realize that not everyone was lucky enough to have parents like theirs. Lily, on the other hand, was becoming increasingly aware of that.

Mr. and Mrs. Evans got into the front of the car, and they started off down the road. "So," asked Mrs. Evans. "How do you two think you did on those exams you were talking about? Owls, I think you called them?" 

Severus looked at Mrs. Evans who sat in the passenger’s seat in front of Lily. "Yes, they are called OWL's. Our next exams are NEWTS. I thought they were too easy." He said glancing at Lily. "But that might just be me. There were quite a few students who found it quite hard." He said. 

Lily raised an eyebrow. " 'Easy' isn't exactly the word I would use... but then we all know Sev's a genius," she elbowed him playfully. "I feel like I did well on it, though. The studying paid off."

"Well, I don't think anyone doubted that," said Mrs. Evans. She wished she knew more about the wizarding world; there was really nothing that Mr. and Mrs. Evans could do to prepare their daughter for a life that they themselves could not fully share in. Fortunately, Lily had turned out to be quite responsible, and learned what she needed to. No doubt it had helped to have a friend from the beginning, though. 

"You two should do something to celebrate," Mrs. Evans added. 

Severus cleared his throat nervously. "Well .... we were actually already planning on going out to dinner some time ... in celebration of the completion of our OWLs of course." He added that last part quickly and turned to look out the window to watch the houses go past. He felt his cheeks tinting red and wished he wasn't so pale so it wouldn't be so obvious. 

"Oh, what a lovely idea," said Mrs. Evans. Lily quickly changed the subject before things could get any more embarrassing.

"So, Mum, how's your garden been coming along?"

"Well, the bulb plants have been just thriving, you should see the daffodils..."

Mr. Evans said nothing, but watched Severus's face for a moment in the rear view mirror. Better not to get involved or ask questions just now. Though he might have to have a serious talk with Severus later. 

Severus glanced at Lily nearly two hours later when they pulled up in front of the town house he used live in. Or what could pass as living. Barely. Severus looked up at Lily's parents as he pulled the handle to open the door. 

"Thank you for the ride." He said as Mr. Evans got out to unlock the trunk for him. Severus pulled the trunk out of the car before Mr. Evans shut it. 

Lily waved sadly at Severus. She knew they had the whole summer ahead to spend together, but she still always hated leaving him here. There was such a bleak feel to this place; nothing visual that Lily could point out, but still the feeling was there, hovering in the air. Maybe it was because she had never been inside, so to her this was always a place where she and Sev said goodbye. Or maybe it was because Severus never seemed happy to be here. When coming home after a year away at school... what must home be like if he wasn't even glad to see it?

"I'll see you soon, Severus," Lily said, making herself smile. After all, they had their dinner together coming up. And Sev knew he was welcome to escape to the Evans house for a visit as often as he was able.

((A/N – Aaaaand there’s another chapter for all you fine people, both new and anyone following this story. Hope you all enjoy. More to come. Big changes in the next chapter. And as always please R&R))


	14. This House is not a Home

Chapter 14 

Severus slowly crept down the stairs, trying to peer into the living room where his father lay passed out on the couch. It had been almost a week since he'd seen or heard from Lily, mainly because he was locked in the house and wasn't allowed to leave. He'd snuck out a few times during the night, but it was always too late to go see her. 

Severus reached the bottom of the stairs and paused, listening to the near silent house, the only sounds the creaking of the floor boards under his weight. He peered into the living room and saw his father sitting on the couch passed out, a half spilled beer in his hand. Severus shook his head. 'What a pathetic waste of a man.' Severus thought as he made his way to his father’s coat. 

Severus gently pulled out Tobias' wallet, a ring of keys falling from the pocket. Severus tried to catch them but missed, jingling the keys more as they plummeted to the floor with a loud metallic crash. Severus paused and listened. Still silence. Severus waited a few moments before he let go of the breath he didn't realize he was holding and opened the wallet. There was sixty bucks inside, enough for more than a good meal at a restaurant. 

Severus pocketed the money and turned to move towards the front door. 

Tobias's half-consumed can of beer flew in Severus's direction, narrowly missed his head, and crashed into the wall behind him, the remainder of its contents spilling out in all directions.

Tobias lumbered groggily to his feet, scowling at his son. "Where in the bloody hell do you think you're going at this hour?" he growled, his words running together a little. That one beer can was far from the first this evening. 

Severus paused. "It's only six Tobias." He said shaking beer off his hand. He knew he should be treading lightly but he was so sick of Tobias brute drunken rage. "I was going to the park." He said simply, hoping the man would just leave it at that. The truth was Dumbledore was meeting him at the park in an hour and a half because they had to talk to McGonagall about signing for his newts so that they could set a court date. But Tobias didn't need to know about that. 

Tobias glanced at his watch; it really was only six. "Don't take that tone with me, boy," he said, and took a step toward Severus, blocking his way to the door. "Mind telling me what you were doing rummaging through my jacket? Turn out your pockets." Why did Tobias get stuck with a son like this? Pale, scrawny, always sneaking about with those shifty eyes, a freak who couldn't be content to live a normal life, but had to go off to that fancy magic school learning who even knew what instead of making an honest living... He couldn't understand the boy, no matter how hard he tried. But what pissed Tobias off most was that the ungrateful brat clearly thought he was better than his own father. Severus's superior attitude was written in everything from the way he talked to the way he looked back at him. And Tobias would not put up with his own son treating him like a failure. 

Severus rolled his eyes as he moved around Tobias towards the door. "Why don't you get back to your drink and let me go along my day?” he said reaching for the door handle. 

Tobias grabbed Severus by his scrawny shoulder and shoved him into the wall so hard that a couple of picture frames fell off. Then again, they may not have been particularly stable to begin with.  
"Don't you dare roll your eyes at me!" he shouted. "You're under my roof, and you're not going anywhere unless I bloody well say so! Now turn out your pockets!" Where the hell did Severus learn to act so goddamn high and mighty? Certainly not from his father. Tobias was sick of it. 

Severus twisted his arm and knocked his arm back. "Don't touch me." He said, his back and head aching with how hard he hit the wall. 

Tobias snarled and punched Severus hard in the stomach. It was a loose swing, lacking in precision and finesse... but it was also an uninhibited swing, his drunken rage shutting down any caution or logic that might have caused him to hold back. 

"Do not act like you're better than me!" He grabbed Severus's arm and twisted it behind his back, not caring at the moment how much force he was using, and started going through his son's pockets.

"What the hell is this?" he demanded, pulling out a handful of cash that he knew wasn't any of that nonsensical wizard money. He shook Severus, not caring how he pulled on Severus's arm. "How long have you been stealing from me boy!?" 

Severus groaned as he was forced to the ground. He could feel the joints in his arm straining with the force as Tobias riffled through the pockets of his black jacket. 

He glared at Tobias as the man yelled at him, spit flying as he questioned. 

"I didn't steal it!!" Severus lied as his father turned him onto his back, gripping him by the front of his shirt.. 

"Liar!" Tobias hit him across the face with a careless back-knuckled swing, then grabbed a hold of all of that greasy hair that Severus refused to cut and pulled back, forcing him to look up. "You look me in the eye and tell me that!" Tobias snarled. "Go on, talk to me like I'm an idiot! Try and fool me!" 

Severus groaned as he was punched in the face and moved his hands up to fight back against Tobias. He swung at him knowing he would regret it. But he stood in front of Voldemort more times than he could count, he'd be damned if he was going to kneel before this tyrant. He just wished his pain tolerance was as high as it had been facing Voldemort. 

Tobias knocked his hand away and punched him in the face again. "Ungrateful brat!" he growled. "Can't even throw a damn punch! What the hell are you going to do in the real world!? Can't wave your fucking magic wand at every problem and make it go away! Your useless mother proved that!"

He shoved Severus away in disgust and stood over him. "Whatdja steal my money for, hmm? What I provide not good enough for you?" 

Severus winced as he was punched again. His head swam as he was thrown against the floor, hitting his head against the dusty dirty old wooden floor. Severus sneered back at him. 

"What you provide?" Severus asked. "You provide nothing to this family! You waste your money away on booze and girls while you leave your wife and son to starve! To make do with what pitiful amount you leave for us .... How many times has mother cleaned up your vomit from the floor, or my blood because you were 'bored' .... You are angry at your own miserable life and you take it out on me because unlike you I WILL make something of myself .... And you know it!" Severus ranted at him, he knew every word speaking true. "You say you are a better man than me because you are older ... Age means nothing when you are wasting your life." 

"SHUT UP!" Tobias bellowed, and kicked Severus hard in the back. "You shut your ungrateful mouth! I work my ass off in that factory," he kicked Severus repeatedly with each word. "Every. Fucking. Day. Your goddamn generation has no bloody idea!" He kicked him again. "Just how fucking lucky you are! Some of us grew up with rationing during the war, but we didn't fucking complain! But I bet you fucking magic types were immune to that even back then!" He kept kicking, over and over and over again. "What the hell are you doing to 'make something' of yourself at your fancy fucking magic school!? That where they teach you to steal from your old man?! You make me sick!" 

Severus crumpled to the floor with each kick, his body wracked with pain and he was sure he heard a few cracks along with the flashes of pain. 

"Yes cause that makes feeding your wife and child only three times a week perfectly okay!!!" Severus yelled back. No matter what this man did, he wouldn't cower from him. "Everything you went through makes it okay .... It's okay to starve your family, because you did. It's okay to beat your son because of the pain you experienced. You constantly remind us of how you were a war hero .... Have all your metals on display and your proud of it .... every child should see their father as a hero .... I see you as a tyrant and a brute .... You may have won badges of honor ... But to me you're just a coward!" 

"Shut up!" Tobias shouted, kicking him hard in the chest. "You ungrateful, greasy, thieving little weasel!" He kicked him again in the stomach. "I don't see you out there, working to bring something home for yourself and your mother! So just shut up!" Tobias kicked him, over and over and over again, years of fear and bitterness and disappointment and jealousy and rage all coming out at once. 

Severus grunted with each kick, but it didn't deter him. "So I suppose when I was three years old I should have been going out an working because YOU wanted to drink? I was and still am a child it is YOUR responsibility to take-" Severus paused as he was kicked again on the chest, knocking the air out of his lungs. "To take care of us .... You don't have a child for the purpose of taking care of you because you can't .... You have a child to love and to raise .... Something I've never had from either of you .... Why did you even bother having me?" He asked blood starting to pool in his mouth and run from his nose. He knew he was already bruising in places from the kicks. But Severus has been through worse. "Tell me ... Did either of your parents love you?" 

"Don't you DARE bring your grandparents into this!" Tobias shouted, and kicked Severus hard repeatedly in the ribs. "And I don't know why we bothered! You think I wanted this!? To bring a child into this fucked up world!? You think you're still a child now, but you're old enough to take some responsibility! When I was your age--"

When he was Severus's age, he'd enlisted. His head had been filled with glory and idealism. But... but that had been a mistake. Sure, he'd done a lot of good, but the things he'd seen... His parents had pleaded with him not to, but he wanted to be like his father so damn much... 

Tobias looked down at his son who wanted nothing to do with him... and thank God for that. Heaven forbid anyone ever end up the way Tobias had. Severus was bleeding heavily from his mouth and nose. It slowly sank in that Tobias was repeatedly kicking a sixteen-year-old boy while he was down. Possibly enough to cause serious damage. What the hell was wrong with him? Why couldn't he just man up and... and stop being this way?

Tobias shook his head. "Mistake," he murmured under his breath, taking a shaky step back and leaning against the wall. "It... was all a mistake."

He tossed the handful of money Severus had taken down at him. "Get out of my sight," he snarled, and stumbled off toward the kitchen. "And don't come back without a goddamn haircut."

He needed another beer. He hated that he needed it, but he couldn't hate himself any more than he already did right now. He needed to just keep drinking, or else he'd wake up remembering what he'd done. 

Severus sneered at him. A mistake was he? Somehow ... that didn't surprise him. "If I was such a mistake," Severus said spitting blood onto the floor. "Then why didn't you just beat me out of her! You don't seem to have a problem with it now!!!" Severus yelled as his father made his way back into the kitchen, most likely to get another beer. Severus spit onto the money his father threw at him, saliva and blood covering the paper. 

"I hope you're proud of your life!!! Of what you've become!!!" Severus said, slowly picking himself off the floor. "Your parents would be ashamed!" He yelled limping over to the front door. He needed help ... and he wasn't going to get it here. He limped down the front stairs hearing a crash from inside. There was no way he'd be meeting Dumbledore in the park, he'd make it to the Evan's before Dumbledore made it there and he'd be damned if he was going to die alone in a park. 

It took him a lot longer to get to the Evans than he had thought it would. He'd collapsed three times on the way and crawled part of the way. The sun was already starting to go down by this point. He knew people saw him, but no one wanted to get involved with what ever happened to him. Cowards, the lot of them. 

Severus saw the Evan's house as he moved slowly down the street. He felt his head swimming and felt like he was going to throw up. Almost there .... He made it to the front door and fell against the side of the house, ringing the doorbell before sliding down the siding of the house next to the door. 

Lily had just come down the stairs to take a break from unpacking, and was closest to the front door.  
"I'll get it!" she called out, and went to answer it.

She opened the door to find Severus, bruised and bloody, collapsed against the side of the house.  
"Severus!" she cried out in alarm, and crouched down beside him, carefully laying a gentle hand on his shoulder. She was afraid she might make things worse; she'd never even seen him this bad off.

"Mom! Dad!" she shouted. "Come quick!"

Mr. and Mrs. Evans ran out from the living room. "Dear lord!" Mrs. Evans' face paled in shock. "We should get him to a hospital."

Mr. Evans nodded, his expression darkening in quiet fury. He had suspected something like this for a long time... but never that it could be this bad. What kind of man did this to his own son? And what kind of mother stood by and did nothing? Right now, he wanted nothing more than to get in the car and drive straight over to the Snape household and shout at Tobias loud enough to disturb the whole neighborhood...  
But taking care of Severus came first.

"Should... should we try to get him into the car?" Lily looked up at her father, worried. "I'm afraid to try and move him." Mr. Evans shook his head. "Better call an ambulance; the walk here was probably too much for him already." Mrs. Evans ran inside to make the call. 

Severus was barely conscious as he heard the family around him rushing around. He wasn't that bad, was he? He knew he was talking but didn't know what he was saying ... perhaps he was bad. He didn't know how long it was, but he heard sirens muffled in the distance. They didn't call an ambulance did they? No ... that had to be going somewhere else. He groaned as someone moved him, and his shivered in pain as he was lowered to the ground, the sirens getting louder. He could still hear himself talking but his words were lost to him. Severus never heard the ambulance actually arrive as he finally lost consciousness. 

Lily stayed with Severus, holding his hand as they waited for the ambulance. He kept apologizing, saying that he was sorry, that he didn't know where else to go... “No, Severus," Lily said, trying to be reassuring, trying not to panic or cry or let the worry or helpless anger creep into her voice. She smoothed Severus's hair back away from his face. "No, don't be sorry. We're going to take care of you, okay? I'm here. You're going to be alright..."

She didn't know whether Severus processed any of what she was saying, or if he was even aware of his surroundings, or what he was saying himself. He seemed really out of it. But she kept repeating her reassurances anyway, just to remind him that he wasn't alone... and to reassure herself that Severus would be fine. Severus was always fine...

He lost consciousness about the time that the ambulance arrived. They weren't allowed to ride with him, so the three of them followed along in the car to the hospital.


	15. The Muggle Hospital

Chapter 15

They went into the hospital room as soon as they were allowed. Lily sat next to Severus's bed, still holding his hand and worrying. Neither of her parents had even brought up the question of leaving; they knew she was determined to stay with him. She didn't care how long it took; Lily was not going to let Severus wake up alone.

Mr. Evans was talking with one of the doctors, while Mrs. Evans went to go see about acquiring a cup of tea for everyone, and call Petunia. Severus was in stable condition now, but the doctors wanted to keep him there overnight for observation. 

When Severus awoke he felt like he was in more pain than when he passed out. He must have been in shock, which by this point would have worn off. He licked his lips which stung and could feel stitches against his tongue. He slowly opened his eyes trying to focus on where he was. There was a constant beeping and new it had to be a heart monitor. He was in a hospital ... 

"Lily?" He asked, seeing her red hair before anything else. 

"Severus," Lily smiled in relief at the sound of his voice. "How are you feeling?" She wanted to hug him, but he was so badly beaten all over that she was afraid she might hurt him. So she just held his hand in both of hers. 

"Like I got run over by a hippogriff." Severus with smiling a bit but grimacing with a quiet groan as his ribs hurt. "I'm sorry ..." He said as Mrs. Evans came back into the room. "This is my fault." He said quietly, glancing to Mrs. Evans as she walked to the bed. He briefly wondered where Mr. Evans was, but it didn't really matter. He was probably somewhere in the hospital, or had gone home to Petunia. 

Despite Severus's smile and attempt at wry humor, Lily could tell that it was a front; that hippogriff analogy was probably a lot more accurate than he wanted them to know. She opened her mouth to protest against Severus's blaming himself, but her mum spoke first as she entered the room.

"Your fault?" Mrs. Evans said, handing Lily a cup of tea and placing a gentle hand on Severus's shoulder. "I never heard anything so ridiculous. You did exactly the right thing, coming to us. Now, is there anything I can get for you? Are you thirsty? Hungry?" 

Severus looked up at Mrs. Evans. "No thank you ..." He said quietly. His entire stomach turned with the thought of anything going into it. He glanced up at Lily. "Can you send a letter to Dumbledore ... tell him I'm here? I was supposed to meet him before I came to your house ... he'll wonder where I am and why I didn't show up." He said. 

Lily nodded. "I can do that," she said. "As soon as we get home." Her owl was currently back at the house. She wondered, though, what Severus had been planning to meet with Dumbledore about. What could be so important that Dumbledore was meeting with a student over the summer?

Mr. Evans and the doctor returned from the hallway. Lily would have to ask later. 

The doctor moved over to Severus and smiled kindly. "Ah, Mr. Snape. You're awake." He said placing a clip board back onto the attachment at the end of the bed. "I'm just going to have another look at your wounds, and then we'll let you get some sleep." He said gingerly reaching out and looking over the wounds on Snape's face before asking him if he was able to move enough to sit up. Severus nodded and struggled into a sitting position with a bit of help from the doctor. Severus pulled the gown off his shoulders, his face turning a nice shade of pink and winced at how much bruising he saw on his chest and stomach. 

The doctor looked him over and nodded. "Just some bruising mostly. We got your x-rays back and found that there is a break in your left arm. We'll have you put into a cast before you go to sleep. It won't take long." He said stepping back from Snape and picking up the clip board again. "I had a talk with Mr. Evans here .... and I'd like to talk to you as well .... but we can do that in the morning, alright?" 

Severus refrained from groaning. He didn't want to talk to this doctor but nodded none-the-less. 

Lily winced at the severity of Severus's bruises. A sickening anger rose within her. The beating Severus had taken was brutal. How could anybody do this to another person? Had it really been his own father? The idea that someone could do this to their own son... she knew that it happened, at least in concept. But... it was impossible for her to understand or forgive. More than anything, she hated that she and her parents had dropped him off at that house. And she was fiercely determined to keep this from ever happening to Severus again. She hated that she couldn't do something now, though. She wished she could just make Severus stop hurting.

All she could do for now was stay with him.

As the doctor had said, it didn't take too long to get a cast on Severus's left arm. Lily stayed by Severus's bedside. She didn't know if it helped. But she wasn't going anywhere.

Since they would be staying with Severus at the hospital overnight, Mr. Evans drove home to pick up a few things, saying that he would be back soon.


	16. Confronting the Tyrant

Chapter 16 

 

Tobias groaned as he heard a knock at the door, the sound feeling like it was reverberating around the inside of his skull. He raised his hand to his head, the beer can in his other hand falling to the floor. He stood up as the knock came again. 

"I'm coming I’m coming shut the fuck up!" Tobias said making his way to the door. He opened it a crack with a loud creek and looked at the man standing on the cobblestone sidewalk. "Yeah? What the fuck do you want?" 

Mr. Evans glared back through the crack in the door. Even from here, the stench of alcohol was heavy on Tobias's breath.

Mr. Evans had had good intentions of just going home, picking up a few things, and then heading back to the hospital... but his anger had brought him here first. Even he wasn't sure what he meant to accomplish by this visit... but someone had to talk to Tobias. Let him know that someone knew. This could not keep happening.

"I'm here to talk to you about your son," Mr. Evans said, keeping his tone even. "Did you know he's in the hospital?" 

Tobias scoffed at what the man said, a bit of spit flying from his mouth. "What? The little shit couldn't lick his own wounds?" He asked before going to shut the door in the mans face. He didn't know who he was, nor did he really care ... ungrateful little shit. He's gonna cost him a pretty penny for that hospital bill. 

Furious, Mr. Evans caught the door and shoved back, keeping it open.  
"Well, you know, he'd have had some trouble putting the cast on by himself," Mr. Evans hissed. "Did you really think no one would ever find out? That no one would ever say anything?" 

"Bah!" Tobias said waving his hand flippantly as he walked to the kitchen. He opened the fridge and pulled out a beer. "You seen this neighborhood?" Tobias asked waving his hand around as if trying to indicate the entire area his ugly broken down town house currently sat in. "You're in the wrong house man .... you come in here preachin about how I should raise my boy ... look at the families around here ... you gonna go door to door preachin at them too?" He asked taking a big gulp of his beer. "This whole area of the city falling down around our ears ... and you're worried about some snot nosed nothing or other ..." Tobias pointed at Mr. Evans with his beer still in his hand, sloshing alcohol all over the floor. 

"You're wasting your time on that boy, he ain't worth nothing and won't be nothin." He said leaning heavily on the counter. "Shoulda killed him when he first came home .... nearly bloody did ..." He said proudly. "Threw him straight across the room I did, little crying brat wouldn't shut up with his ear piercing screaming. To bad the damn sofa broke his fall. Would have saved us all the damn trouble and money he's taken from me." He said bringing the beer can back up to his lips. 

Mr. Evans crossed his arms, mostly to hold back the temptation to punch Tobias in the face. As much as he'd like to, that wouldn't exactly put them on the right side of the law when they reported this. That, and even though they weren't at work, Tobias Snape was still technically an employee.  
He scowled, sickened by what Tobias said. The man had just confessed to throwing a baby across a room... and Mr. Evans had heard him say it. He stored the confession away in his memory, making a note of it in case Severus needed a witness later. As if Severus's injuries didn't speak for themselves.

"You know... this wouldn't be my business," Mr. Evans said, in a low, forcibly calm voice. "If you kept your drinking problem for evenings and weekends... but that's not what your supervisors and coworkers have been saying for the last year or so. I've had reports of you slacking off on the job, coming in hours late to work, being careless about factory safety protocol, being rude and belligerent to your coworkers... even a few reports of drunkenness on the job."

He waited a moment for what he had just said to sink in. 

Tobias scoffed. "You threatening my job?" Tobias asked. "You haven't said shit about my work performance until my waste of an offspring came to you ... he trying to get me fired? Ungrateful little shit wasn't satisfied with stealing money from me, he trying to take my job away too? That it?" He asked shaking his head. "You get the fuck out of my house and you tell that little shit he better not come back here! He can go live in the gutter for all I care ... I'm sick of him glaring at me like he's better ... like his shit don't stink ... He ain't better than me ... he gonna turn out just like me you watch and see. Any woman he's with she gonna be hiding from HIS drunk ass, just you watch!" He said dropping his beer can to the floor and struggling to pick it up despite it's half spilled contents. 

"Just you watch, he'll have a kid he don't want, never wanted .... You gonna be standing there lecturing him too when that happens? Christ man .... get the fuck outta my house!" 

Mr. Evans seethed with anger. Maybe Tobias was right to some degree; it was a fear that had certainly crossed Mr. Evans' mind once or twice. Severus might despise the idea of ever becoming like his father... but that was still the only example of family life he had ever lived with. Yet however damaged Severus might be, he was still his own person, capable of making his own decisions. And he deserved better than this. 

"Fine," Mr. Evans shrugged, struggling not to shout at him. That would have to wait at least a moment. "You don't want him coming back here? Let me see his room, and I'll collect his things. Why keep them cluttering up your house? You won't have to deal with him or me again." 

Tobias groaned as he moved away from the counter, reaching drunkenly into his pocket and fumbling with his keys. He pushed past Mr. Evans and into the front hall where he drunkenly tried to open a padded lock from the cupboard under the stairs. Once he managed to get it open he dropped the lock, more than likely by accident and pulled open the feeble rotting door. Under the stairs was filled with dusty old junk littered with beer cans Tobias had thrown there, more than likely years ago. 

He pulled the tattered luggage chest from the cupboard and threw it to the floor before slamming the door shut so hard it bounced back open. Tobias didn't care. He left it open as he kicked the luggage chest towards the front door. "Take it .... there ain't nothin in there but some worthless text books and some notebooks I wouldn't be surprised anyone could damn well read his damn writing." He said kicking it again. It was so light it slid across the floor boards and hit the front door, the latch popping open though it didn't open the luggage lid. 

Mr. Evans kept his mouth shut for the time being. As studious a boy as Lily had always said Severus was, he must despise having his school things tossed into a cupboard with so much other junk and locked up for the summer. What if he had summer reading? The boy's father clearly had no respect for what the boy was learning. His son was gifted with the ability to learn and do things that neither Tobias nor Mr. Evans could ever accomplish or fully understand. Did that mean nothing to him? And Tobias had married a woman with those same talents... It occurred to Mr. Evans that Severus's mother might be even more downtrodden than he was.

He picked up the trunk. "Any other belongings?" he asked. He made a mental note to ask Severus later if anything he valued was missing. 

"What you think I'm rich or something? That boy doesn't get off his ass and get his own damn job - that's what he's got and he should be damn grateful for it!" He said angrily, and slamming the cupboard door shut once again. "Now get the fuck out of my house!" He yelled making his way back into the living room. 

"EILEEN!" Tobias yelled, knowing his coward of a wife was upstairs. "WHEN ARE YOU GONNA GET YOUR LAZY ASS DOWN HERE AND MAKE SOME DAMN FOOD!!!!" He yelled, not even caring that Mr. Evans was there. Eileen slowly came down the stairs, her hands shaking and paused when she saw Mr. Evans in the door way. She didn't say anything as she meekly moved past him and towards the kitchen ... She knew they didn't have any food, but she had to find something. 

It occurred to Mr. Evans that he never seemed to see Severus in a different outfit, and everything he wore always seemed so shabby... The boy's school things really might be all he had to his name. There was no excuse for it; Mr. Evans knew for a fact that Tobias made enough to do better than this for a wife and one child... if he didn't invest quite so heavily in beer.

Tobias yelled up the stairs, and Mr. Evans wanted to hit him. What kind of a man spoke to his wife like that? Then again, what kind of a man put his own son in the hospital? He stared at Eileen as she came down the stairs. He'd seen her maybe once or twice at the platform to pick up Severus... but other than that, he didn't think he'd ever seen her at all. Seeing how meekly she acted now, her very posture indicating fear... Mr. Evans realized that standing up for her son was an unrealistic expectation for Eileen; she couldn't even stand up for herself. Why? She had magic. Why did she even stay with Tobias at all? What hold did he have on her? Maybe it had started out as something different... but over the years, Tobias had clearly managed to squash down any confidence in herself the woman had ever had. It was sickening to witness.

Mr. Evans looked her in the eyes, and said quietly: "Severus will be staying with us now. He'll be safe."

Then he lowered his voice even more, to a whisper that Tobias wouldn't be able to hear from the other side of the room. "That man isn't worth it."

He didn't think she'd listen. After all of these years, why should five words from a passing acquaintance, practically a stranger, make any difference? But he had to say it.

He took Severus's trunk and walked out the door. 

Eileen nodded meekly to Mr. Evans, glad to hear her son would be escaping this place. He deserved much better than that. She knew Severus was stubborn though ... and hoped to God that Severus would not come back for her sake. He'd always been there to protect her, when it should have been the other way around. She didn't say anything to Mr. Evans as she disappeared into the kitchen.

((A/N – There just had to be an interaction between these two. And what’s that? Tobias works for Mr. Evans O_O ….. Please R&R))


	17. A Change in Living Arrangements

Chapter 17 

The next morning Severus sat up in bed, playing a game of 'Go Fish' with Lily on the side of the bed. His crow sat on the bed next to him, twisting and turning its head at Severus' cards. Dumbledore had sent him a letter with his crow to the Evan's residence, and Mr. Evans had brought him last night. Lily had sent Dumbledore a letter early this morning explaining what had happened. Dumbledore had ministry meetings all day, but sent a letter assuring Severus that he would come see him in the hospital later in the evening. 

"Do you have an eight?" Severus asked, getting rather bored of the game. 

Lily yawned. "Go fish." She smiled slightly at the inquisitive crow; she wondered what her owl would make of him. Or vice versa. Petunia, she was quite certain, would not approve. Then again, she didn't think Aramanth would approve of Petunia either.

She glanced around to see if any doctors were about, then asked quietly: "So... you never said what you were going to meet Dumbledore about." 

Severus sighed. "I was kind of hoping to tell you over dinner. But .... I've found myself a little broke." He said sheepishly. "Dumbledore was going to take me back to Hogwarts so that he can speak with Slughorn and McGonnigal with me. Dumbledore believes that I can take my NEWTs before the summer term is up. But we'll have to make a court date this summer to get it all in order and to get permission from the ministry. If I complete my NEWTs early, it would lift my age restriction meaning I could use magic outside of Hogwarts." He said pausing as a nurse came in to check the equipment and monitors around him. She forced a smile at him before leaving once again. 

"If I am successful in completing my NEWTs, I won't be a student anymore. I'll be the first student in Hogwarts history to graduate before sixth year." He said quietly so that no one but him and Lily could hear. 

Lily's eyes widened. "That's... that's amazing, Severus," she said. "Lifting the age restriction? That's huge! But... what are you planning to do once you've graduated so early? Have you talked with Dumbledore about that?"

Severus was certainly brilliant and diligent enough to accomplish it, and frankly had far too many reasons to be out on his own as soon as he could... but what was he going to do as such a young wizard out of school? 

Severus smiled. "I'll be returning to Hogwarts in September, if all goes according to plan, as an apprentice to Professor McGonagall. I'll be starting my mastery in Transfiguration under her study. And once Voldemort is defeated, I'll be leaving Hogwarts for six months to finish it. Once I have completed .... we'll see where I go from there." He said glad that she wasn't taking this negatively. "Perhaps after I'll go for my potions mastery .... I think I'd be able to complete that one a lot faster than Transfiguration." He said. Being a potions master for almost seventeen years does put one at an advantage. 

Lily smiled; Professor McGonagall might be strict and demanding, but she had no doubt that Severus could handle it. She was just so happy for him, that he was going to accomplish something so prestigious. "That's really wonderful, Severus... but how long have you been planning this? And why Transfiguration?"

It was astonishing, really. Only a few months ago, Severus had seemed to be on such a dark path and now suddenly... this. It was as if all the energy that he'd spent being angry at the world had redirected into his intellectual pursuits. It was the best news she had ever heard from him. 

"My first choice was potions but really .... could you see me teaching a class full of eleven year olds how to brew potentially explosive chemicals?" Severus asked with a grin. "I prefer it as a hobby. As for how long I've been planning this ... since about a week before Owls ... when I woke up in the hospital wing. There's something else I wanted to talk to you about-" He said pausing as he heard the door open and saw Mr. Evans walk in. He looked to Lily and mouthed 'later' to her, hoping she wouldn't make a big deal out of it. 

"Hey!" Severus called out as Amaranth, no longer being content with being ignored, plucked two of Severus' cards from his hands and flew across the room to the ugly dresser at the other side of the room. 

Lily laughed at the idea of Severus teaching Potions. The subject came so naturally to him that it often irritated him to stop and explain aspects of it to someone who didn't immediately grasp it; he even sometimes got frustrated with Lily. He might do alright with a room full of really advanced students with an aptitude for the subject and a love of learning but... an average classroom? Dealing with first-years? He would go mad by the end of the first grading period.

Her expression became more serious when Severus mentioned the week before OWLs. She still remembered how worried she had been... so much had changed since then. While Severus admittedly seemed to be having the best possible reaction to his near-death experience... Lily seriously hoped that all of these drastic changes really were as healthy and positive as they seemed. She nodded when Severus mouthed 'later,' and looked up as her dad walked in.

She laughed at Aramanth, and craned her neck to look at the two cards he had taken.  
"So, Severus," she said. "Have any twos? Or fours?" 

"Bah," Severus said, sounding enough like his father that it made Mr. Evans glance at him. "It's a stupid game anyway." He said playfully throwing one of the cards like a Frisbee at the bird. Amaranth dropped the two cards, both of them falling to the floor as it flew back to the top of the bed as Severus lay back again. He'd been sitting up a bit too long and his ribs were starting to hurt. 

"Hello Mr. Evans ..." Severus said as the man sat down. It was the first time he'd seen him since he woke up in the hospital this morning. He wondered briefly what the man had been doing all day, but realized that it was none of his business. The man did have a life after all ... probably had work to do or something. 

Henry Evans made himself smile back at Severus; the boy was doing much better than last night, but he was still in terrible shape. "Hello, Severus," he said, then looked over at his daughter. "Lily, I'd like to have a word with Severus alone, if you don't mind."

Lily looked from her father to Severus and back again. What could her dad have to say to Severus that he wouldn't say in front of her?

"Um... alright," she said. "I'll... see you in a little bit, then." She glanced reluctantly back at Severus again, before leaving and closing the door.

Henry was quiet for a moment, gathering his thoughts and making sure that his daughter wasn't listening outside the door, before he finally made eye contact with Severus.

"I think," Mr. Evans said quietly. "That we've all come to more or less the same conclusion about how this happened to you... Would that be correct?"

After talking to Tobias, Henry considered his suspicions confirmed. But it still needed to be talked about. 

Severus opened to speak but paused. He took a deep breath before looking up at Mr. Evans. "That would depend on your conclusion." He said quietly. He wasn't comfortable talking about his parents .... but he knew they would need to talk about it. 

Mr. Evans nodded slowly. This couldn't be easy to talk about. If it were, Severus would have said something before. But they could not afford any miscommunications now. It was best to speak plainly.

"That this happened at home," Henry said evenly, still looking Severus directly in the eyes. "That... your father did this to you." 

Severus sighed and leaned his head back against the pillow, looking away from Mr. Evans .... To Severus it had been a long time since his father died .... this shouldn't be that hard to talk about. But it was. 

"That would be a correct conclusion." Severus said quietly, still not looking at Mr. Evans, his face tinting red in embarrassment which showed despite his bruises. 

Mr. Evans also looked away. "I... went over to your parents' house last night," he said quietly. "And picked up your things. You'll have to tell me if anything is missing but... your trunk is in the guest bedroom at our house now. I've been talking to Heather and... we both think it would be best if you don't go back there again. You're welcome to stay with us." 

Severus shook his head. "That's all I have ... and you don't have to do that." Severus said, looking down at the bed. "I can find somewhere to stay." He said. It wasn't as if Severus hadn't spent months at a time sleeping in the park growing up ... besides it was only two months before he'd become a permanent resident at Hogwarts. "Besides ... I only have two more months before I'm returning back to school ... I .... I won't have to go back there again anyway." He said, wondering if he should tell Mr. Evans his plans for the summer. "I'm going to be spending quite a bit of time at Hogwarts over the summer anyway." He said quietly. 

Mr. Evans didn't buy Severus's vague line that he could 'find somewhere to stay.' If it were that easy, he doubted Severus would still have been at his parents' house in the first place.

"Of course you'll be going back to Hogwarts," he said. "And if you have business there over the summer, then by all means go. But when you're not at Hogwarts, we want you to stay with us." 

Severus shook his head. "I don't want to impose on your family Mr. Evans. My problems aren't yours... nor do I wish them to become yours." He said shaking his head. "I'll talk to Dumbledore when I meet with him ... see if I can stay there for the summer." He said, though he doubted Albus would allow it. He would need permission from the Ministry and it was unheard of a student staying there over the summer. If a child was unable to go home to their parents then they were sent to a family members, or if they had no family, then an orphanage. 

Again, if it were that easy, Henry seriously doubted that the boy would have been in that house in the first place. He sighed. "You will not be imposing on anyone," he said firmly. Except perhaps Petunia. But then, it was not her house, and she would just have to be polite to their guest and deal with it. It might even build character. In any case, Petunia tended to spend the summer and winter holidays either up in her room, or out with her friends, so an additional person in the house would have no real effect on her. "We want you to stay with us. To put it bluntly, my wife will be devastated if she is denied the chance to over-feed you, and I am holding your trunk hostage. You are staying with us."

Frankly, if he had ever suspected just how bad things were at the Snape household, Mr. Evans would have acted years ago. Leaving Severus to fend for himself now was out of the question. 

Severus sighed and looked to the man. In his previous life he never understood just how much Lily's parents seemed to care about him. In a way, he supposed the Evans' were to him as the Weasley's were to Harry Potter. He nodded. "Thank you." He said quietly, as Amaranth took that time to land on his head, twisting its own head this way and that before bouncing onto his knee, it's wings outstretched so that it could glide gently to the next spot. Severus groaned at the thing. 

"You're such a calamity you know that." He said annoyed with the bird. The bird looked at him from his knee, pecking his beak into the material of the blanket before bouncing down the bed. 

"It's settled then," he said, standing up, then smiled slightly. "Amaranth can come too."

He opened the door and looked down the hallway, where Lily was waiting, leaning against the wall, looking mildly worried. She heard the door open and looked up at him.

"I'm way over here," she said. "Being bored and not eavesdropping."

"Obviously," Mr. Evans said. "Unless you've developed superhearing as well. You can come in now. Severus will be staying with us over the summer."

Lily's eyes lit up. "Really?" She ran up and hugged her father tight. "Thanks, dad."

A mild concern set in, and Henry thought back to that awkward realization on the car ride back from the station. What precisely had he just done? The right thing, probably. And then an image popped into his head, of how Eileen had looked, hands trembling as she meekly snuck down the stairs.

Lily went back into the hospital room to join Severus. 

Severus smiled as Lily came back into the room. "Want to play another game?" He asked indicating the cards, though three of them were still on the floor on the other side of the room. "A different one this time though ... Go Fish is just so last year." He said imitating Petunia.


	18. That ... Vernon thing ...

Chapter 18 

Severus finished eating dinner, or what the hospital passed as dinner and pushed his tray away, the gritty mashed potatoes still in the tray. All he had to do now was go through the embarrassment of someone watching him pee and then he was free to go. Severus paused as Lily was helping him sit up on the bed as there was a gentle knock on the door. Severus looked behind him to see something he'd never see in a million years. 

His eyes bugged out of his head as he saw Dumbledore in a plain grey suite, his beard trimmed to a few inches long, his hair cut and covered with a grey fedora. Professor McGonagall close behind him wearing a green dress shirt and a flowy skirt that looked 'almost' out of place in the muggle world but could pass easily enough. 

Lily turned to see Professor McGonagall and Professor Dumbledore... minus most of his beard... enter the room in Muggle garb. Her eyebrows shot up. "Professor McGonagall, Professor Dumbledore...Um... nice fedora."

"Why thank you, Miss Evans," Albus smiled serenely. "I do prefer to go with the classics." His expression became more serious, and he looked down at Severus. "How are you feeling this evening, Mr. Snape?"

McGonagall looked at him, her expression grimly concerned. She checked to make sure no well-meaning Muggles were within earshot, then said: "Do you think perhaps Madame Pomfrey should have a look?" 

Severus shook his head. "Mr. Evans called the NSPCC, if I don't have any marks on me then they'll start to question and Mr. Evans might get charged with fraud or something like that .... I'll be fine. Perhaps once I return to school ..." He said looking at Dumbledore. "That is ... if we are still planning on it." He said quietly. "I told Lily about it this morning, but if plans have changed I'm sure we can work out something else." Severus said nervously as McGonagall pursed her lips at him. 

"Mr. Snape, if we weren't still going along with this then why would I be here?" Severus glanced at her as she spoke. 

"I know ... I just ... didn't want to assume." He said. 

Dumbledore produced a roll of parchment from his jacket, and unrolled it, revealing an official Ministry document.

"I agree," he said, looking down over the rims of his half-moon spectacles. "It is best not to assume... when one can have it in writing. Professor Slughorn has already signed his permission, as you see here. It needs only our three signatures now. Professor McGonagall will double as a witness for our signatures. After that, we send it to the Ministry, and await a court date. You may take a few moments, if you wish, to read through the document."

It was always wise to thoroughly read through a document before signing it, Albus found. Though Severus had researched much of the protocol beforehand, he had also made it clear how little he trusted Dumbledore... and Albus had not forgotten.

McGonagall looked on somewhat severely, though not, as far as Lily could tell, any more severely than was normal. 

Severus read the document at least three times, making sure he didn't miss anything. While he was reading it though, Mr. Evans piped up. "Um ... if I may ask ... what's all this signing of documents and court dates about?" Mr. Evans asked, doubting it was about what happened with Severus' father. Severus said he was meeting Dumbledore before he planned on coming to the Evans he surely hadn't planned on getting beaten into unconsciousness by his father. 

"Oh, just a little school matter." Dumbledore said, receiving a nod from Severus and a wave of his hand as he continued to read. "Mr. Snape plans on taking his NEWT exams before the end of the summer ... if he passes, which I'm sure he will with flying colours, then he will be the first student in Hogwarts history to graduate from Hogwarts before their sixth year even started." He said proudly, though he knew that Severus' accomplishment had nothing to do with him, he still felt pride for his student no matter what age he really was. Besides, it would put Hogwarts a few more notches higher on the schools rating system. 

Once Severus had finished looking over and signing the document, Professor McGonagall and Professor Dumbledore added their signatures, and the Headmaster rolled up the scroll and tucked it once again into his suit jacket.

"That puts everything in order," said Dumbledore. "You should be hearing from the Ministry before too long. I will pick you up at home to meet the court date."

Mr. Evans shook his head. "He'll actually be at our house. Severus will be staying with us from now on."

"I must say I commend your restraint Severus. It must have been hard refraining from using magic on your father." Dumbledore said. "I am glad you have somewhere safe to stay for the summer." Severus stared up at him blankly. 

"I appreciate what you're doing for me Headmaster .... But don't pretend you care." He said quietly.

Lily's eyes widened. What did Severus think he was doing, talking to the Headmaster like that? Did he want to completely ruin his chances? Sure, he was exceptionally brilliant but... Just how much did he think he could get away with?

Even Mr. Evans raised an eyebrow. He'd heard enough about the Headmaster of Hogwarts to have some idea of how respected Dumbledore was in the wizarding community. He didn't know what the situation or history was between Severus and Professor Dumbledore. That was all that kept him from saying anything now.

Professor McGonagall's mouth narrowed to an even thinner line, and she gave him a look stern enough to whither a potted plant, but she did not rebuke Severus. She did not know what medications these Muggle doctors might have him on, or how much pain he was still in. And she knew now that the boy had had the sort of home life that does not make it easy to trust others. It was a miracle that he'd even been able to accept help from the Evans family. And his statement did not seem deliberately rude... though she did not intend to cut him any slack later on.

Albus Dumbledore looked down at Severus's face for a moment, his expression neutral, but unsurprised. Severus had every right to make that statement... and only the two of them knew it.

"I wish you a swift recovery," he said. Then he and Professor McGonagall made their polite goodbyes and left.

Once they were gone, Lily turned to Severus. "That was a bit rude of you, don't you think?"

Severus sighed and sat on the edge of the bed, pulling a pair of hospital pants that had been laid out on the side dresser. "Not as rude as you'd think." He said slipping his pants on careful not to flash anyone. He took the other gown and put it on like a coat and gingerly stood up. The faster he peed, the faster he'd get out of here. 

But, that brought him to the embarrassing realization that not only did he have to pee, Mr. Evans would have to be in the room to make sure he did. Merlins beard, couldn't they just get a nurse or a doctor to be in the room while he did .... that? At least he'd never see them again ....

Lily made a mental note to ask Severus what he meant by that; if he had no qualms about talking to the Headmaster that way, there was surely a story behind it. 

 

Well, Mr. Evans thought, this would no doubt be awkward for the both of them. Mostly Severus, really.

"You'd think they'd get a doctor or nurse for this sort of thing," he said off-handedly, as he stood up to go accompany him. As if it weren't a completely obvious statement to make. As if that same exact thought hadn't already crossed the poor boy's mind. Best not to say anything at all, really.

Severus was standing by the time Mr. Evans spoke and paused, suddenly feeling more embarrassed, his cheeks turning red. He slowly walked towards the bathroom, his torso and ribs still hurting with each step. Severus made it to the bathroom and leaned against the wall. 

As expected the entire situation became even more awkward when Severus' couldn't go out of nerves and embarrassment of having Lily's father in the room with him. It was nearly two minutes of awkward conversation, and Mr. Evans looking everywhere but at Severus before he finally managed to go. It wasn't until that moment that Severus realized just how badly he had to, and was even more embarrassed that it took a little longer than what was usual. When he finished he tucked himself back into his pants and flushed the toilet, glad that it was over with.

Mr. Evans breathed a sigh of relief when Severus finally finished. It wasn't as if there were anything to be ashamed of, from a purely objective standpoint... but telling him so would have only made it even more embarrassing.

Lily waited outside the room, and Mr. Evans stood by in case Severus fell or needed help, but Severus was able to dress himself without too much trouble. Which was good, because any other scenario would have been all the more awkward.

Soon, they were all able to make their way out to the front, and Mr. Evans went and brought the car around, so that Severus wouldn't have to walk across the parking lot. Mrs. Evans kept her hand on Severus' back, reassuringly as she signed his release papers. The nurse looked over the papers and nodded. "You have a ride home?" She asked. Mrs. Evans confirmed that her husband was bringing the car around. It wasn't long before Severus found himself dressed and outside standing by the car park as Mr. Evan's pulled up. 

Mrs. Evans went to help him to the car but he waved her off. "I'm fine ... really." He said, embarrassed about all the fuss.

"Of course," said Mrs. Evans, with a slight smile that came out more like a wince. She didn't want to embarrass the boy; it had always seemed difficult for him to accept help. But she knew he was hurting, and couldn't help worrying over him. She let him get into the car on his own, but kept nearby, watching in case he needed help, until he was safely inside.

Lily went around to the other side of the car and got in, sitting in the back next to Severus.

Once they were all inside, Mr. Evans drove them home.

As soon as they got back to the Evans house he sat down on the couch, leaning heavily on the arm rest but he didn't want to lay down anymore. Mr. Evans came into the room and switched on the tv as the phone started ringing. 

Severus heard the receiver pick up and Mrs. Evans talking in the kitchen. It wasn't long later that Mrs. Evans came in to inform them that Petunia was on her way home and bringing her new boyfriend Vernon. Lily raised an eyebrow.

Petunia was bringing this Vernon bloke she kept going on about to her friends over the phone... here?  
"Um..." Lily said. "Does she know I have a friend over? From school?"

She thought her mum and dad had been keeping Petunia informed about the situation but... did she know they'd brought Severus home? Or that he was staying with them? Somehow, Lily seriously doubted that Petunia would want her perfectly normal boyfriend around any of Lily's wizarding friends... or even Lily herself, for that matter.

If Petunia didn't know beforehand that Severus was here, Lily would end up having to listen to her later, ranting about how no one ever told her anything, and how no one in this family cared about keeping up appearances, and how Lily was actively plotting to ruin Petunia's life... But then, that was getting to be fairly routine by now.

Mrs. Evans looks annoyed, though not at Lily. "Yes, she's aware ... But she's been at Vernon's for three days and is starting to annoy his parents .... So she's bringing him here. Wouldn't it be nice to actually meet the guy?" She asked sitting on the chair by the couch. 

Severus sneered openly. He heard about Vernon. Had the brilliant idea of neglecting and possibly abusing the magic out of Potter. He wasn't a fan of Petunia .... But she could do better than that oaf. 

"Well, I am a little curious about what he's like," Lily admitted. What sort of guy could Petunia be happy with for any length of time? Or, for that matter, what sort of guy could put up with Petunia?  
Lily caught the look on Severus's face and almost laughed. 

She sat down next to him on the couch, and whispered so that only he could hear:  
"It's alright, Sev; if they get too annoying, you can just say you're in agonizing pain and escape to the guest room."

Mr. Evans, meanwhile, had apparently become engrossed in the process of flipping aimlessly from one channel to the next. He really had no idea what to expect from Petunia's boyfriend.

Severus smirked and whispered back to her. "I wouldn't let you deal with her alone, and I don't think your parents would appreciate you hiding in a bedroom with me." He said chuckling slight. 

"Hey, what's with all the whispering?" Mr. Evans asked.

Severus had a point; that would most definitely not go over well.

Lily looked up. She hadn't realized her father was paying attention. Then again, her dad had a history of noticing all manner of things without appearing to.

"We were absolutely not making bets about Petunia's boyfriend," Lily answered quickly. "Because that would be insensitive." She glanced at Severus and added. "I'm still convinced he plays rugby, though."

Severus scoffed. "He's probably doesn't play a single sport cause he's exceedingly over weight, and his only ambition in life is to own some type of hardware store and grow a walrus mustache." He said a small grin on his face, recalling seeing Vernon Dursley a few times. Big lumbering brute of a man with a spoiled child and Petunia following after him like he was the only man who would have her. 

"I'm sure you have the better taste in men." He whispered to Lily with a smirk as there was a tapping at the window. Amaranth was on the ledge outside, having flown to the Evans' on his own.

Lily snickered at the walrus mustache comment. She smirked back at Severus, then went to go open the window and let Amaranth in.

"Think we can get Amaranth to go settle upstairs?" Lily asked. "Or should we just tell Vernon you're an Edgar Alan Poe enthusiast?" 

“What? He's never seen a man with a pet crow before?" He asked as Amaranth flew over to his shoulder and pecked at his ear for calling him a pet. "Oh deal with it you old feather duster!" He said annoyed and wincing as he moved just a little too much. He brought his hand to his side a moment and paused waiting for the pain to go away. "Naw, just leave him .... I'm sure I'd love to see the look on Vernon's face at my 'abnormal' pet." He said earning another peck into his hair, making it stick up a bit. He waved his hand and shoo'd the bird away but all it did was fly up away from the hand before landing on his shoulder again.

Lily laughed. "Petunia won't like it," she warned, far more amused by the prospect than she really ought to be.

Mr. Evans shrugged. "Can't have Vernon thinking we're too normal," he said. "That kind of deception would hardly be fair to him."

"True..." said Mrs. Evans, fighting back a smile. "But let's not actually go out of our way to embarrass Petunia? You know how sensitive she can be about what other people think."

Severus sat in the living room next to Lily watching some tv show he'd never heard of with the Evans until he heard the front door unlock and two people step into the entry way. Severus remained where he was as Mr. and Mrs. Evans went to go great their new guest. Severus had no desire to see the man again ... even if he was a lot younger now .... the man was a child abuser in Severus' eyes. The man may not have been a drunk, but in a way, Severus supposed that made it worse. The fact that Vernon could have done that to a child without being under the influence baffled him more than his own father beating him into unconsciousness. At least when his father sobered up he'd apologize or at least feel sorry for what he'd done. 

Vernon had no excuse. He finally tore his eyes away from the telly as the two of them came into the living room, Petunia stopping dead in her tracks. "Oh ... that boy is here ..." She said snobbishly. Severus looked at her, a bored expression on his face. 

"It's nice to see you to Petunia." He said politely, knowing it would piss her off knowing her barb didn't upset him.

"Hmph," Petunia sniffed in condescending annoyance.

Lily stood up to greet her sister and the mysterious Vernon... who did not, at this point, have a mustache. But who knew what the future might hold?

"Hi, Petunia," Lily said, forcing a smile. After all, Petunia was her sister, and they hadn't seen each other since... well, since the Christmas break. And yet she was already on her nerves. Remarkable how that worked. She had always heard that dislike between siblings got better once they stopped having to spend as much time together... but apparently in their case, it still wasn't enough distance.

She turned to Vernon, and held out her hand in greeting. At the very least, she was determined to start out polite. Even if it killed her.

"Hi, Vernon. I'm Lily, Petunia's sister. And this is my friend Severus from school." She shot Petunia a pointed glance. "He just got out of the hospital."

Her stare managed to communicate a clear message to Petunia: I'll be nice if you will.

Vernon moved over to the couch and held his hand out to shake Severus' hand. "A little rough housing got out of hand with your mates eh?" He asked with a broad smile. "Dippin a little too much into the cups the other night?" He asked, his hand still held out to him. 

Severus looked at him and forced a smile on his face. "Actually, my father was the one who was 'dippin a little too much into the cups the other night' ..." He said which he knew would be more than an explanation enough. He kept the smile on his face as he shook Vernon's hand, gripping it a little harder than was necessary.

"Oh," the smile dropped off of Vernon's face. "Um. Right." Evidently, he had no response for that.  
He tried to extract his hand from Severus's grip.

Lily sat back down next to Severus. What had happened was not remotely funny... but the way Severus had shut Vernon down was another matter entirely.

Mrs. Evans gestured Vernon to a chair. "Please, have a seat."

"Yes," said Mr. Evans, his tone polite, neutral, and yet somehow ominous. "And tell us a little about yourself, Vernon."

Severus continued watching tv as Vernon sat down and suddenly got verbal diarrhea about his life, his friends, his family, his intentions with their daughter. Severus almost laughed when Vernon mentioned the drill company he was going to college to work for. 

By the time the hour was up, even Mr and Mrs Evans looked like they were ready to bolt. Severus didn't bother interrupting Vernon as he slowly, gingerly stood from the couch. He quietly said good night to Lily. He was suddenly feeling very tired, even though it was only seven. 

"Lily, why don't you go make sure Severus gets settled in okay?" She asked interrupting Vernon for a moment. 

"He's staying here???" Petunia asked as if Snape’s presence in her home was a personal insult.

Dear Lord. How could someone go on, and on, and on for this long without a single interesting thing to say? How was it even possible to be so utterly boring? Maybe Vernon just blabbered on about mundane things when he was nervous? Lily didn't get it. Given, Lily understood that not everybody got to study magic in a big haunted castle with moving staircases but... everyone had at least some personality. Didn't they?

Glancing at both of her parents, Lily realized it wasn't just her; everything Vernon said really was that boring. And yet he managed to leave no gap in his phrasing long enough for anyone to politely jump in and salvage the conversation. 

"Sure, Mum," said Lily, gratefully taking the opportunity to leave the room. That, and she wanted to make sure Severus got up the stairs alright. She knew he could take care of himself, but he was still recovering, and he really did look exhausted.

Petunia's voice grated on Lily's nerves. Astounding. The world's most boring man and the world's most irritating woman... it might actually work. Of course, the family gatherings would be intolerable.

"Yes, Petunia, he's staying here," Lily sighed, then quickly accompanied Severus out of the room.   
Honestly, what did Petunia think they should do, send him back to the man who had put him in the hospital? Hopefully, mum and dad would talk some sense into her.

Once they were out of earshot, Lily whispered to Severus: "What do you think it's like to be that boring?"

Severus didn't say anything as he felt himself growing light headed. Stairs where proving more difficult than he had imagined it would be and he focused on breathing as he held onto the stair railing. He moved up the stairs slowly, grateful that Lily wasn't judging him or blaming him. 

Once he reached the top of the stairs he paused and leaned against the wall, breathing a little harder than he should be from just a walk up the stairs.

"I don't know .... But I'd take those stairs again over listening to him anymore." Severus said with a bit of a painful laugh.

Lily let Severus set his own pace up the stairs, not rushing him, and keeping a hand out just in case he needed it.

She laid a hand on his arm as he leaned against the wall, catching his breath, and smiled slightly at his comment.

"Hey," she pointed out. "You just survived both Vernon and the stairs. You're a bloody hero."

Lily hated, so much, that Severus was still clearly in so much pain and there was nothing she could do about it. She hated that this had ever happened to him in the first place. That things always seemed to be happening to him. She was grateful, though, that her parents had invited him to stay. At least now Severus was here where he would be safe, and Lily could look after him.

Severus laughed slightly as he moved into the guest room. "You have no idea ..." He said sitting on the bed, the blankets already rolled down to the end of the bed. "You going to tuck me in?" He said jokingly as he watched her move into the room. 

Lily smiled. "If you like," she joked back.

"Hey .... So uh .... About that dinner ..." Severus said nervously.

She looked at him when he brought up their dinner plans. "Should probably wait until you're feeling less crappy?" she suggested. No doubt Severus would prefer to heal a little before they attempted to go out anywhere.

Severus sighed embarrassed. "Actually ... I was going to bring up that I hadn't thought of the fact that I'm flat broke when I asked you out." He said his face red in embarrassment.

"Oh," Lily said, feeling stupid for not having thought about that before. She had, on more than one occasion, gotten the impression that things were tight at the Snape household, and that Severus had never really been on the best of terms with his parents to begin with. This recent incident showed that things were far worse than she had ever imagined. And now Severus had been abruptly forced to leave his home entirely.

"Hey, it's alright," she said, going over and sitting next to him on the edge of the bed. "I could maybe pay for both of us... I mean, if it's alright with you," she added hastily. "If you're uncomfortable with that, I understand. If you want, we could just... wait."

Stupid. Like that was going to make him feel any less embarrassed. Lily didn't think any less of him for not having money; she just wanted to spend time with him and figure out how she felt about him. But Severus was always embarrassed to accept help from anyone. And, in any kind of date-like scenario, guys in general seemed to have a compulsive need to pay for things, like it was a matter of personal pride. She wished she knew how to handle this better.

Severus raised an eyebrow at her. "You mean your parents could pay for us? I don't think so ... You parents have already done more than enough for me. Perhaps we can go another time." He said pretty sure he was unsuccessful in hiding his disappointment. He asked Lily out and she actually said yes and now he can't even afford to take her anywhere .... Not that he could before. He should have taken the money his father had thrown at him. But he'd been spiteful.  
Lily nodded.

"Alright then," she agreed. "Another time." She could tell that Severus was disappointed, not that much could be done about that at the moment. But why did Lily feel disappointed too? Going out to dinner had been Severus's idea, not hers. Still, she guessed she'd been looking forward to it all the same. Did that mean something? Or... or what?

She smiled slightly. "It's not like I'm going anywhere, right?"

Severus smiled a bit at her. "Hey who knows if I have time maybe I'll find a job for a week and take you before the end of summer." He said though he highly doubted it. With no experience he'd have a hard time getting a job. 

"Oh, so now that were alone I wanted to talk to you about something." Severus said moving farther onto the bed and leaning against the headboard. Sitting up on his own was too uncomfortable for him.

Lily nodded. "You mentioned earlier that you had something else to tell me," she recalled. Something that he hadn't been willing to discuss in front of anyone else.

Severus spent the next little while about "Potters idea" about what was effectively becoming Dumbledores army. He told her that a war was starting, which she had already suspected, and that they had every intention of being prepared. 

"I was heading down a path I realized I didn't want to be going down .... I figured doing something to stop it ...." He said letting the sentence hang. "I overheard Potter talking about it with Lupin ... It took some convincing but he said I could join if I could convince you too."

Incredible. Weeks ago, trying to get Severus to take the Death Eater problem seriously was about as productive as yelling at a brick wall. Lily had been so worried and so angry about the things that he might be getting involved in, and infuriated that it didn't seem to bother him at all. She had come so close to giving up on him.

And now... this. She had known Severus was better than that, but she had never expected him to turn around and start actively working against the Death Eaters. She looked at Severus as he spoke, seeing him in a completely different light. How had he gone through such a complete change so quickly?

She was quiet for a moment after Severus finished explaining. It was a lot to process. Finally, she spoke. "I... want to get involved," she said slowly. "It's better than sitting around waiting for the world to go all to hell, but... Severus," she looked at him a little skeptically. "Potter? Really? He just... doesn't exactly seem responsible enough to lead something like this." 

Severus shrugged. "Given the right motivation he can be responsible. Look at his quidditch or his Transfiguration classes. He has the ability. And besides as much as I hate to say, he's popular. People will listen to him." He said pausing as Mr. Evans poked his head in the door. 

He looked back and forth between them. "Just checking." He said before walking down the hall again. Snape smiled a bit, a bit of a blush coming over his cheeks. 

Lily looked up to see her dad poke his head in the door. She burst out laughing. "Really, dad?" she called after him as he left, blushing a little herself. She turned back to Severus, and sighed.

"I guess..."

She thought back to how Potter had called off Black on that afternoon after OWLs. It had been unexpected. So, evidently, Potter had it in him to refrain from being a complete and total asshole. But did that really qualify him for leadership? In a resistance? But if Potter and Severus really could put aside their differences at least enough to work together, that meant something, didn't it?

"Alright," she said. "If you of all people are willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, I guess I can too."


	19. The NSPCC

Chapter 19

Severus woke up with a groan, his entire body aching but at least most of the pain had dulled. He slowly got up from the bed and dressed in the same clothes he had on yesterday. He heard voices downstairs as he neared the stairs and wondered if he should stay up here. The growl of his stomach decided for him, so he made his way slowly down the stairs, hoping he could make it to the kitchen without bothering them.

Unfortunately fortune wasn't on his side as the Evans and a strange man in a suite sat at the kitchen table. He paused in the door way when he saw them and moved away to leave again so that he wouldn't bother them. 

Mrs. Evans looked up and saw Severus there in the doorway, and motioned for him to come into the kitchen. "Come sit down, Severus," she said. "I'll get you something to eat."  
She pulled out a chair for him at the table, and then bustled about the kitchen, filling up a plate for him with eggs, bacon, toast... Mrs. Evans believed strongly in providing a good breakfast when guests were present. She also firmly believed that Severus could use it, and was now more convinced of that than ever.

The stranger at the table looked at Severus for a moment, expression neutral, taking note of the cast on his arm, the bruising on his face, and the stiffness of his movements. Evidently, Mr. Evans had not at all exaggerated the severity. The man stood up and held out a hand.

"Hello, Severus," he said, in a tone that was somehow both personable and serious. "I'm Mr. Bannerman from the NSPCC. I was just talking with Mr. Evans, and if it's alright, I'd like to ask you some questions as well." 

Severus backed away from the man as he held his hand out to him, watching the man wearily. "I thought I told you, you didn't have to call the NSPCC." Severus said stubbornly. He hated this being blown out of proportion. He'd been through much worse. He didn't understand it ... He needed more help in his previous life and no one gave a shit ... But this time around .... Why? 

He didn't trust this stranger in front of him, and must have looked like a cornered cat. 

Mr. Evans gave Severus an apologetic look. "I know," he sighed. "But it seemed like the best idea at the time. I should have asked you first."

Mr. Bannerman shook his head. "I know this is difficult for you, Severus," he said. He'd dealt with more than a few cases where the victims resented his interference more than the actual abuse. "But Mr. Evans was right to notify us. Otherwise, if your father changed his mind and decided he wanted you back home, he would be within his legal rights to do so. He could even go so far as to charge Mr. Evans with kidnapping, if he refused to send you back. This way, the law is on your side."

"All the same," said Mrs. Evans, putting Severus's plate on the table. "Do let the boy eat before you start asking him questions?" 

"I'm not hungry." Severus said, having lost his appetite. His voice sounding flat as he spoke. 

What the man said was true. And he didn't want then charged. "I'll just go back home then ..." He said quietly. "It'll save everyone the trouble." He said moving towards the door again. 

Mrs. Evans looked hurt. "Severus, wait--" she began, but was interrupted.

"Like hell you are!" came Lily's angry voice from the hallway. She had been on her way to the kitchen and overheard. She made herself take a deep breath before she looked at him. "Severus, please," she said quietly. "Whatever they're doing that's bothering you, we can talk it out, just... don't go back there." The idea of Severus getting hurt like this again terrified her. She shot the stranger a suspicious glance.

Mr. Bannerman had the good sense to keep quiet.

"We just want to be able to keep you safe," said Mr. Evans quietly. "That's all." 

"Yeah? Well not with some strange guy I don’t know prying into my life ... I don't know you and you wanna sit here and talk about my home life like you actually give a shit?" He asked actually getting upset. "I'm just going to be another kid in your damn book. Another number in a filing cabinet? Uh-uh ...." Severus said leaning against the wall, his arms crossed over his chest and staring at the floor. 

Mr. Bannerman looked at Severus sadly for a moment, and then said: "One doesn't go into this line of work without giving a... well, I'm not allowed to use that sort of language, but you get the idea. Look, you don't have to believe that I care, but there are three other people here who clearly do. I know this isn't easy, but if you work with me, I can help them to help you, and then be out of your way."

Lily glanced from her mum, to her dad, to Mr. Bannerman. Then she put a gentle hand on Severus's arm, and looked up at him. "Severus, please," she whispered. "I know you don't want to talk to him, but... I really don't want you to go back there and get hurt again." 

Severus looked away from Lily and looked out the window wishing he was anywhere but here right now. "Fine ... Whatever ... Let’s just get this over with then." He said moving to the table on the other side of where Mrs. Evans put the food for him. He really had lost his appetite. 

Mr. Bannerman sat down opposite the reluctant teen. "You can decide," he said. "Whether you would prefer to have the Evans family here for this discussion for support, or if you would prefer that they not hear what is said here. But if they do stay, I will have to ask that they refrain from commenting. It is important that all of your answers come from you."

Lily hated everything about this situation; Severus was so clearly uncomfortable talking about this at all. He hadn't even said anything about it to her, and now he was supposed to answer a stranger's questions? But anything was better than sending him back to that house again. She worried about him so much... that rush to the hospital had been torture, and even now it hurt just to look at him. What if it was worse next time? What if he couldn't get here for help? What if... She couldn't stand to even think about it. 

Severus wanted to rub the bridge of his nose in annoyance but the split across his nose prevented it. "I don't care ..." He said starting to get even more annoyed. "Let's just get on with ..." He said as Amaranth chose that moment to come flying in through the window to land on the table. It stared at Mr. Bannerman before walking over to Severus and hoping onto his arm which was resting on the table. 

Mr. Bannerman stared as a crow flew through the window, and landed boldly on the table. Before he could react beyond a startled jump, the crow hopped up onto Severus's arm, as if this were a completely normal occurrence, without any reaction from the boy whatsoever.  
Mr. Bannerman stared. Was it a... pet of some sort? Or did birds just randomly flock to Severus all the time? No, it had to be a pet. Why else would he be the only one who thought it was strange? Still, even though there was a perfectly logical explanation for it, he couldn't shake the feeling that there was something almost... supernatural about the occurrence.

Under other circumstances, Lily would have laughed at the look on Mr. Bannerman's face. She was not so inclined to at the moment, though.

Mr. Bannerman shook his head. "Um. Right." He straightened his papers. "First, could you please tell me how you became injured?" 

Severus stared at him as if he were an idiot. "I was leaving to meet the headmaster of my school to discuss my academics .... My father didn't want me to leave the house so he beat me." He said simply said it where completely normal. "Next?" Severus asked knowing the guy wasn't going to leave that answer at that, but it was worth a shot. 

Mr. Bannerman made a note in his papers, pretending not to notice the way the young man looked at him as if he were a moron. He already knew that last question would seem obvious, given the circumstances. But he needed to hear the words from Severus. He couldn't do much without the boy's testimony. "And how did you get out after that?" Mr. Bannerman asked. "Did your father still care if you left?" 

"Don't know, didn't care. He lumbered into the kitchen to drink more." He said wishing the man would just get on with it. 

Mr. Bannerman nodded quietly and took note of that; it seemed consistent with patterns of neglect.  
"And has this happened before?" he asked.

Mr. Evans walked out of the room. He didn't want to hear any more of this. He wondered if Severus would ever forgive him for reporting the situation without asking him first. 

"This? Yes ..." He said not elaborating on just what his father had done in the past. 

Lily was shocked that her dad just walked out like that. She could sort of understand why, but... it still made her angry, since he had brought this stranger into it in the first place.

"Did your mother ever attempt to assist you?" Mr. Bannerman asked. 

"Why? So she could end up like this too?" He asked. "Are you actually going to ask any questions you don't already know the answer too?" Severus asked. "Cause if not I think this is over ..." He said crossing his arms over his chest again. 

Mr. Bannerman sighed. "Severus, much of the situation has already been reported to me. At this point, I only need to hear you confirm or refute what I've been told. You have already given me enough information to work with for now. Unless you have anything to add," which Mr. Bannerman highly doubted, given how reticent Severus had been thus far. "I have one more question: Are you comfortable staying here?"

Again, another question that Mr. Bannerman was fairly certain of the answer... but he could not simply assume. 

"Do I have reason not to be?" Severus asked knowing he was being difficult ... But this was not something he wanted to talk about. He didn't want to talk about it twenty two years ago he certainly didn't want to talk about it now. 

"That is what I am asking you to tell me, Severus," Mr. Bannerman said, unfazed. The boy had every reason not to want to talk about any of this, and if he wanted to continue being difficult, Mr. Bannerman could hardly blame him. 

"Yes." Severus said simply. "Are we done?" He asked staring at the man unfazed ... He wished the man would just go away. 

"Yes," said Mr. Bannerman, not unkindly. "We're done." He gathered his papers and stood up. "Thank you for your cooperation, Severus."

He said a polite goodbye to Mrs. Evans, before Mr. Evans showed him to the door.

Lily looked over at Severus, not knowing what to say. 

Severus watched the man leave before he stood up from his chair, his hands shoved in his pockets as he moved from the room and up the stairs. Severus' mind was a jumble as he moved up the stairs. Why wasn't he being mature about this? Why was he so emotional? This shouldn't be bothering him as much as it was ... He'd been through worse, he'd talked about worse ... Why did this bother him? It befuddled and confused him to no end until Severus found himself standing in the middle of the guest room, his hands on his head. 

He felt like he couldn't even think straight around his emotions and his occlumency was going hey wire, like he suddenly couldn't keep his shields up. 

Lily hesitated for a moment, unsure of whether to follow Severus or just leave him alone.

Mrs. Evans shook her head. "Give him a few minutes, Lily." Lily glanced worriedly toward the kitchen door. 

"Are you sure? Maybe I should--"

"Sit," said Mrs. Evans sternly. "And eat something. Give him a few minutes. Then you can go check on him."

Reluctantly, Lily did as her mother said. After a few minutes, Lily was about to leave the kitchen, and Mrs. Evans handed her Severus's plate, which she had heated up to keep from getting cold.  
"Take that up to him," she said. "Just in case he's changed his mind."

Lily nodded, and went upstairs. She paused a moment before approaching the guestroom doorway.  
"Um... Severus?" she said tentatively. 

Severus moved his hands from his head and ran his hands over his face. He kept his back to Lily, trying to calm his emotions when all he wanted to do was throw something against the wall. 

He closed his eyes and tried to calm his breathing. He would not take his emotions out on her ... 

"I'm sorry ..." He said his voice sounding thick in his throat. 

Lily shook her head. "Severus," she said quietly. "You have nothing to be sorry for. If you don't want to talk, that's fine." 

Severus moved and sat on the bed. "No ... I'm sorry ..." He insisted. "I shouldn't have lost control like that. There was no reason for me to be so rude." He said his hair falling over his face. 

"It's... pretty understandable, though," she said. "Given the circumstances." She moved into the room and set the plate on the bedside table. "Mum sent that up," she explained. "In case you wanted it later."

She went over and sat on the bed beside him. "No one's in control all the time, Severus," she said quietly. "It's okay to be angry." 

Severus sighed and leaned back against the headboard. "Yeah well .... temper tends to run in my family .... I don't like it." He said looking at her. He was slowly starting to calm down, and was glad for it. His emotions starting to become more in his control. Severus looked at her wondering just why he was having this difficulty with his emotions. It's like one moment he was calm and controlled and the next the simplest thing set him off .... It made him briefly wonder if his father had always been right about him. 

In his previous life he had been a bitter cruel man ... In a way, he wondered if he'd ever been better than his father. Or if he had the ability to be better than he had been. He couldn't imagine being in a situation where Lily was like his mother, him like his father ... he didn't want that for her but .... could he be better than that? He'd never had proof or reason to believe so. 

Lily looked at Severus for a moment, then reached out and took his hand. "Of course you don't like it," she said. "But..." she shook her head. "So you were a little irritable just now. But that's not the same thing as... as hurting someone." She looked into his dark eyes. "You know you're better than that, don't you?" 

Severus looked up at her. "So people keep saying." He said quietly. "Doesn't mean I believe it ... I'm good at hiding my emotions but what if one day I can't?" He asked. "What if my fathers right? What if I turn out to be just like him?" He asked. 

"You're not going to be just like him," Lily insisted. "And... and maybe it's not about hiding your emotions. No one can do that all the time, just bottle them up and expect them to never spill over. Maybe it's about just... recognizing them for what they are and dealing with them."

This probably wasn't helping. What was she supposed to do? She could sit around and tell Severus he was a good person all day, but she didn't know what to say to make him believe it. She didn't have the words to help. So she just moved over and hugged him, gently because she wasn't sure how much he was still hurting. 

Severus froze as Lily hugged him. Not because he was in pain, which he was. But because ... well ... he'd never been hugged before. Even when they had been friends before, she'd never hugged him. "I ... uh ..." All rational thought left his mind, his hands a bit up in the air as if he wasn't sure how to react. He slowly put his arms around her rather awkwardly. 

He cleared his throat quietly, feeling a bit awkward in the situation. Not knowing what else to say he said, "So ... do you think that guy will be back here?" He asked. 

"Maybe," Lily said, still hugging him. "I guess maybe dad might know..."

"Sorry," she started to pull back, concerned. "Am I hurting you?" 

"No." He lied, already missing the contact. "Thank you for that ... I suppose I was being stupid and stubborn." He said rolling his eyes a bit. "If that guy isn't coming back ... can you send a letter to Dumbledore ... ask him if I'd be able to see Madame Pomfrey?" He asked, realizing he'd never thought those words would come out of his mouth. 

"Sure," Lily said. "I'll go check with dad right now." She got up to leave, then gestured at the plate. "You really should eat some of that. My mum'll worry if you don't." 

Severus nodded. "Thank you."


	20. Proper Healing

Chapter 20

Severus flexed his fingers as the cast was removed from his arm. Madame Pomfrey vanished it, looking at it as if it where some kind of poisonous insect, muttering about primitive Muggle healing methods. 

Lily stood by, somewhat amused by Madame Pomfrey's muttering. 

"It won't complicate things too much, will it?" Lily asked. "I mean, that he's received Muggle medical treatment?" 

"Not in the slightest." She said, having received Severus' medical file that included his muggle treatments. "To be honest, I wouldn't have called this a treatment. They didn't do anything but monitor you for a few hours. A trained monkey could have done that ..." She said. She had no issue with muggles, but their treatment of their patients was .... unbelievable. "They could have at least given you something for the pain." Pomfrey said as she pulled out her wand and started healing Severus' wounds starting with his arm. 

Lily wondered what that serious-looking doctor at the hospital would have thought if he could hear Madame Pomfrey comparing him and his entire staff to trained monkeys... 

"Well," she said, glancing at Severus. "Can't argue with that last part."

She'd hated seeing how much pain Severus was in, and knowing that it was probably even worse than he was letting on.

Lily watched as Pomfrey started expertly healing Severus's wounds.

"How many years of training does it usually take," she asked curiously. "To specialize in healing spells?" 

Pomfrey looked at her and was surprised by her curiosity. Most students didn't develop an interest in healing into long after they've graduated Hogwarts. "There is four years of training and two years of apprenticeship." She said moving onto Severus' torso, before moving onto his face, her face neutral as she healed his bruises and cuts. 

Lily nodded. "And I guess you'd have to graduate before starting training?" she asked.

Of course, Madame Pomfrey made it look easy, but she'd been doing this for who even knew how long? And Lily knew that healing spells could be very complex, and were not for amateurs to mess around with. But over the past few days, Lily had seriously wished she were qualified to just fix what was wrong, instead of having to just helplessly wait around while someone she cared about was in pain. If Lily wanted to pursue an occupation that was interesting and allowed her to help people, why not study to become a Mediwitch?   
And, if there was a war coming, they would need trained healers as well as fighters. It just made sense. 

"You would need to complete your 7th year, yes." Madame Pomfrey said. "What is all the hurry you two?" She asked patting Severus cheek like a worried grandmother. "You are always in such a rush, don't you go joining him .... You two be kids as long as possible!" She said having overheard Dumbledore speaking rather highly of Severus about taking his NEWTs two years early if the ministry allowed it. 

Lily couldn't help but smile slightly at Madame Pomfrey patting Severus's cheek.

"We'll try," she said. Though she didn't know just how long that would be possible.


	21. Shocking News

Chapter 21

Severus made his way down to the kitchen, going down the stairs at a slow jog before jumping down the last three stairs. He never felt better than he did at that moment. 

"Severus dear, be careful on the stairs." Mrs. Evans said from the living room. Severus smiled at her from the door way. 

"Of course, Mrs. Evans." He said going into the kitchen. He pulled a glass down from the cupboard as he heard the piano from the living room echo through the house. He remembered back when Mrs. Evans first started to teach him how to play the summer after his first year. He'd progressed quickly over the years before him and Lily stopped talking, and after that Severus had taken it upon himself to master how to play the instrument. Severus listened to her playing one of his favourite songs to play, Beethoven Tempest Sonata Mov. 3. It was a complicated song to play, but it had always been his favourite. 

He poured himself a glass of water before moving into the living room to watch her play. 

Mrs. Evans gave Severus a smile as he walked in, and continued playing, her fingers moving expertly over the keys.

Lily sat in a nearby chair, reading and listening to her mother play.

With Mrs. Evans back to her, Lily didn't notice Mrs. Evans wince, an odd twinge of pain acting up, causing a brief lag in the tempo, before Mrs. Evans frowned slightly, the sudden pang passed, and she resumed playing as before. 

Severus looked up at Mrs. Evans confused. Was that .... he didn't mistake that ... it was a wince of pain. Something was wrong, and in that moment Severus remembered. Five years from now Mrs. Evans died of cancer that had been detected far too late. 

Severus looked down at his glass and closed his eyes. It was caught too late .... he knew they caught it soon to now but .... perhaps even a bit more time .... even a few weeks or a few months could save her ... or at least, give her some more time. 

Severus put his glass of water on the table unable to believe he’d forgotten such a detail and stood from the couch and moved towards the front door. He knew Mr. Evan's was working in the garage on his car, and it was the best place for privacy. He had to speak to Mr. Evans .... the question was .... how was Severus going to tell Mr. Evans without telling him everything. 

By the time Severus reached the garage Severus heard another slight lag in the faint piano from inside, and Severus knew. 

Mr. Evans had the hood of the car up, and looked up as Severus entered the garage.

"Hello there, Severus," he said. "Could you hand me that wrench over on top of the tool box, please?"

His tone was light, amicable, testing the waters. Except for a few words in passing, they hadn't spoken much since the meeting with Mr. Bannerman. And, though the young man hadn't really been hostile, Mr. Evans didn't know whether or not Severus had really forgiven him for contacting the authorities without asking him first. 

Severus handed him the wrench and jumped up onto the empty tool bench. He wasn't sure how to approach this, but it was something he needed to do. "I um ... I kinda need to talk to you." He said, lamely.

Mr. Evans took the wrench. He finished tightening a few bolts, then looked up at the serious expression on Severus's face. He stopped what he was doing, and gave Severus his full attention.  
"What's on your mind?" he asked. 

Severus looked down at the ground and rubbed his hand over the back of his neck, still not knowing where to start. "You ... uh ... might want to sit down." He said looking back up at Henry, biting his bottom lip a bit. "I need you too ... too hear me out before you freak out ... there's a reason I need to tell you all this. The only people who know is our Headmaster, the Deputy Headmaster and one other student, though that is out of necessity rather than me actually wanting him to know ..." He said glancing up at him. 

Mr. Evans frowned. What was Severus so concerned that Henry would 'freak out' about? If the Headmaster and Deputy Headmaster were involved, it probably wasn't anything that involved Lily. So what was the boy so worried about? Something magic-related, perhaps?

"Alright then," he agreed, taking a seat on the tool bench. "I'm all ears." 

Severus sighed. "Well ... To be honest I don't really know where to start ... I know the term 'start at the beginning' usually applies but in this case I'm not sure where the beginning is ...." He started, still not knowing where he was going with this. "All I can say to start is ... I'm not exactly who you think I am ... I mean ... I am Severus Snape in all sense of the word, was born raised and currently living as .... but I'm not the same boy you knew last summer. And I don't mean that in a 'Oh he's matured' kind of way ...." He said. 

"When I woke up in the hospital wing two months ago .... I wasn't in the time period I remembered. I was in 1975, the present year .... but the year I'm from ... is 1998. I don't know how it happened, or why .... but ... There was a lot happening then ... and is still going to happen. I have no doubts you've heard of the name Lord Voldemort ... he is rising to power, and from the time period I was from he already had. He'd taken over the Ministry of magic, killed Dumbledore through one of his followers, and was in the process of trying to take over Hogwarts. A lot of people died ... students and teachers alike, including myself. That is, before I wound up back here ..." 

He watched Mr. Evans as he spoke though didn't allow the man to interrupt. "The reason I am telling you this now ... when I really shouldn't be .... is because I have some information that you really need to know." He said quietly. 

Henry stared at Severus. It wasn't a joke, he was certain of that. Severus just... wasn't the type for elaborate pranks. And he had no reason to walk in and lie to him about it.

So... Severus believed it to be true.

Which left two possible conclusions: Either, after all Severus had been through, he was now subject to a strange delusion .... or it was all true. Henry had long been rooted in a fixed idea of what constituted the rational world, full of logical explanations. Of course, that world-view had shifted drastically since he had found out that one of his daughters was a witch, born with a natural magical talent, and that there was an entire community of people like her, complete with schools where they could hone and even specialize their abilities.

It was a given, then, that just because Henry had always believed something to be impossible didn't necessarily mean it actually was.

And, if there were magic involved... was it really that impossible? How could Henry know? But this... this seemed more like something out of science fiction than what little Henry understood of real-life magic.

And what if Severus was having some kind of breakdown? He seemed rational in every other way, but... what if he needed help? 

Of course, if what Severus was saying were true, and Henry assumed otherwise...

No. He couldn't afford to assume either way; jumping to the wrong conclusion in either case could be disastrous.

"So..." Henry went over what Severus had said, trying to process it. "What you are telling me is that you lived out a different life past this point, witnessed this... very dark future, died... and then woke up back here, as you are now... but with memories from the future? Do I understand that correctly?" 

"That's the simple way of putting it ... yes." He said, a little annoying that Mr. Evans made it sound so obviously easy. "I frankly don't care if you believe me or not ... but what I'm about to tell you is truth ... and I need you to promise me that everything I've told you today will remain here with us ... no one else can know. I'm in a position to be putting our side in a very good position, and if any knowledge of who I am and where I'm from gets out, it will not only put me in danger, it will put anyone who knows in danger. Do you understand?" He asked. 

Mr. Evans wanted to object, to point out just how bizarre this sounded, how impossible. This couldn't be a common occurrence, even in the magical community. But...

If what Severus was saying were true, it just might bring this Voldemort bastard down. But if other people started to find out... the consequences could be disastrous. For Severus, for Lily, for everyone.

And even if it was all some grand delusion... it wasn't as if Severus were hurting anyone. Would running out and telling people really help Severus at all? Henry didn't think so. And still... he couldn't shake the feeling that, as far as he could tell, Severus at least seemed perfectly rational. 

Yet, at the same time, there really was something different about him. Something more... confident, certain of what he was saying and doing. Henry studied his face for a long moment. Maybe it was just in light of what Severus had said, but... He couldn't unsee it now. Severus was the same boy Henry had always known, and yet somehow inexplicably wasn't.

"Alright," Henry nodded. "I promise, this stays between you and me." He paused for a moment, then asked: "You said you told one other student. Does... Lily know?" 

Severus shook his head. "No ... not yet. I'll tell her ... just .... when it's safe too." He said. "The last war lasted almost twenty years .... I have every intention of stopping it long before then .... but when it's safe to tell her I'll tell her everything ... even more than what I've just told you. But that isn't what I wanted to talk to you about ... I just wanted you to understand how I know ..." 

Severus paused before speaking again. "You've noticed the small twinges of pain your wife's been getting ... and she keeps saying it's nothing." Severus said more than asked. "Well .... it's not nothing. This is going to be really hard to hear, but I'm telling you this so that maybe there can be something we can do about it. Because in the time period I'm from, Mrs. Evans died of cancer in May of 1980. I don't know the details, I only read about it in the paper. But if it's caught sooner .... maybe they can do something about it." He said cautiously, knowing that this was going to be very hard for Mr. Evans to hear. 

Henry stared for a long moment.

A fierce, defensive anger started to rise, but Henry squashed it back down. This would be a sick thing for Severus to joke about, but Henry had already come to the conclusion that he wasn't joking; Severus clearly believed it.

So... so that...

"What?" he said quietly. He shook his head. "No, that's..."

He took a deep breath.

"Severus... that... You were unconscious for days in the hospital wing, right? How do you know it wasn't all... just a very vivid, compelling dream?" 

"I wish it was ..." He said seriously. "All of it .... I have twenty three years of vivid memories of pain and torture and war and death ... I have witnessed things that I couldn't make up in my wildest dreams .... believe me ... I wish it was a dream ... but it's not ... Not to me. Dumbledore saw the memories, those can't be fabricated by dreams. It's why he's allowing me to take my NEWTs early, because I completed them almost twenty years ago ... any classes they'd stick me in would bore me to tears and would restrict my ability to help our cause .... Believe me Mr. Evans ... If anyone wishes I was joking ... or that it didn't happen, or won't happen ... it's me." He said seriously, feeling his eyes tearing up. God damn his emotions again. He raised his hand to his eyes and rubbed them away with his sleeve. He couldn't even remember the last time he cried, don't start now! 

"But that's why I'm working with Dumbledore to change the future ... and why I'm telling you about your wife. If you can convince her to see a doctor, then maybe they can catch it soon enough ... unfortunately though, I don't know what kind of cancer she had ... Like I said, I wasn't really all that informed." 

In that moment, he knew that Severus had seen terrible, terrible things. Things probably well beyond what Henry could imagine.

Henry rubbed at his temples.

If Heather really had cancer...

He felt sick with fear. He stood up, pacing, trying to think...

"But why?" he suddenly asked, turning around and looking at Severus. "Why weren't you informed? Heather thinks the world of you. And...and for that matter, why didn't you tell me this sooner!? Why did you let even a moment pass before you told me!?" 

"I wasn't informed because Lily isn't supposed to be talking to me right now. In my original time line I did something really stupid that I regretted for the rest of my life, and took to my grave. And as for why I didn't inform you sooner, with all due respect sir ... I woke up in the hospital wing twenty years in the past after witnessing children being murdered before having my own throat ripped out by a giant snake. Now I'm thrust back into the beginning of this war and have to redo it all over again .... As much as Mrs. Evans means to me .... I only knew about her death from a newspaper clipping that I saw in the paper twenty years ago ... I haven't been involved with anyone in your family because the only family left alive is Petunia ... and I tend not to associate with her. Especially after finding out she was neglecting her orphaned nephew and allowing her oaf of a husband Vernon too abuse the boy. I wasn't exactly on good terms with your family for quite a long time .... I do apologize for not bringing it up sooner. But with everything going on right now and everything moving so quickly ... It had slipped my mind until she paused in her piano."

"Slipped your mind?" Henry said, in disbelief, his voice raising.

And Petunia was the only one who survived? And she was left with no one but Vernon!? Lily died too, and Severus just allowed it all to happen? By no means did Henry want to die, but he willingly would rather than let anything happen to his family.

"Slipped your mind!?" he shouted, grabbing a hold of Severus's shirt in a mad maelstrom of anger and fear. "Everybody dies and that just slipped your mind!? My wife could be dying already and it just SLIPPED YOUR MIND!?" 

Severus felt Mr. Evans grab onto his shirt and pull him forward, hearing the fabric rip a bit as he slipped. Mr. Evans shook him in his anger, slamming him into the side of the tool bench hard enough it jarred the entire table causing tools to fall onto it's hard surface, a few of them falling to the cement floor. Severus didn't react at the small onslaught, but didn't take his eyes off of him. "Are you going to hit me too?" Severus asked, his voice calm and even, though tears started to run down his face. "You can if it'll make you feel better." He said, though it was stated more like permission than sarcasm. God knows he deserves more than that. 

Mr. Evan's eyes widened.

"No," he let go of Severus's shirt and stepped back, horrified. "No, Severus. Never. Never. I promise." 

The look on Severus's face was painful.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "It's not your fault. You're just trying to help. Did... did I hurt you?"  
Henry was still terrified... but getting angry wasn't going to help. There was only so much poor Severus could do. 

Severus sat on the ground leaning against the tool bench. "No. I'm fine ..." He said quietly. "If it's any consolation, Lily will live this time. I'm going to make sure of it. The fact that she's still talking to me, and a few other things I've done, have set into motion an entirely different chain of events that will change the outcome. She died because of a prophesy that Voldemort got his hands on ... About her son ... It's a prophesy that will not be spoken to anyone except Dumbledore and Myself both of which already know it ... That is ... If the prophesy happens at all. Like I said ... She's still talking to me. There's no guarantee that she'd end up with the same guy she did last time which could lead to her having her child at a later time." 

He looked at Mr. Evans realizing that he was babbling. "I'm sorry ... I just want you to know I am doing everything in my power to keep Lily safe ... And your wife if I can ... And to be honest ... While I'm at it ... I'll get rid of that Vernon thing too ..." 

Mr. Evans sighed.

"We'll work together on the Vernon front," he muttered. "Petunia's stubborn..." He looked down at Severus. "And... thank you," he said. "For... for telling me about this. And for trying to keep Lily safe. You're a good man, Severus..."

Then he frowned. "But what was that part about prophecies? And my daughter?"

And just why precisely did Severus consider the fact that Lily was still talking to him a factor? As a father, Mr. Evans found this all very concerning. 

"There was a prophesy stating that a child born at the end of July to parents who has thrice defied him would defeat him. If Lily doesn't have a child at the end of July then that would exempt her from the prophesy. Things are going differently now ... The guy she married before doesn't really like me ... And to be honest, brave as he was he did a piss poor job of protecting her." 

Mr. Evans shook his head, and sighed. "I... frankly don't even want to think about all of this... How many years before... before all of that happens?"

And what could Henry possibly do to keep her safe? He wasn't a wizard. Prophecies? Wizarding wars? What could he even do? How could he just leave everything up to Severus?

And Heather... There was nothing at all magical about the threat to her, and yet she might already be in danger. It might still be too late. All he could do was convince her to see a doctor immediately and hope for the best. 

Severus sighed. "It all happens around the same time ... Between when Lily was 20 and 22. I'm sorry, I don't know what happened to you ..." He said. "For all we know that could change as well. Might have already ... I don't think you were sick, I saw you at Miltons Grocer down the street a few days before it happened ... so I can't say how it happened. I have a hunch but .... I don't know for sure. I wish I did." He said honestly. He pulled his jacket back up, hiding the tear in his shirt at his collar. 

Henry nodded slowly.

So there was time. The future could be changed. Things were changing already. Lily could still grow up and live a long, happy life. Petunia could still make better choices. And Heather... Heather...

Heather was the one he needed to worry about right now. Before it was too late.

He was silent for a long moment.

"Well, then," he said quietly. "I'd... better go talk to Heather." He looked back at Severus. "Are you and Lily safe? Off at that wizarding school? I mean, if there's a war coming...?" 

Severus nodded. "Hogwarts is the safest place to be ... Voldemort won't attack the school, not unless he knows he has an advantage ... meaning Dumbledore would have to be dead, and he'd need death eaters inside working for him ... He has none of those available to him, he will not try to infiltrate the school." He said slowly standing up from the floor. "I'm sorry you had to hear about everything like this ... but it's better to know now than when it's too late. And Mr. Evans ... please remember to keep this conversation between us .... not even Mrs. Evans can know ... the less people that know about it, the better." He said, shoving his hands in his pockets again. 

Mr. Evans nodded.

"I understand," he said. "No one else will know, Severus. I promise."

He would find some other way to get Heather to see a doctor. He'd tell her that he was worried about those pains she kept having, that you could never be sure, that it was better to make sure nothing was wrong, just in case... He would convince her that the only way to make him stop worrying was to see a doctor.

"And... Thank you, Severus," he said earnestly. "For telling me about this. I'm... sorry for the way I reacted."

He turned to leave. 

Severus pulled his jacket up over the tear in his shirt again before he started picking up all the tools and putting them back in what he thought was their proper place. Once he was done he moved back into the house and too the living room, picking up his water again and taking a few sips. It was lukewarm now but that didn't matter, he never liked his water cold anyway. It had always hurt his teeth. 

"Hey Severus, how about I teach you some more? I know you're getting good, but there's always room for improvement." Severus smiled at her as Mr. Evans walked into the living room. 

"Thank you Mrs. Evans ... I've actually been practicing quite a bit at school. I'm a bit rusty still but I'm sure I can work it all out soon." He said with a small smile. Truth be told it had been years since he'd played, at least three if not more. With the war going on he never had time to himself .... and then the last year, he had all the time in the world, but he didn't have the will to draw himself to the keys that were slowly becoming covered in dust. 

"Heather," Mr. Evans said, working to keep his tone light. "Could I talk to you for a minute?"

She looked up at him, concerned at the expression on his face.

"Yes, of course, dear," she said, and got up to go speak with Henry in private. Something was clearly bothering him.

Lily looked up from her book as they left. "What do you think that was about?" she whispered to Severus.

Severus shrugged as he stood up. "No idea." He said sitting down at the piano. He didn't bother looking at the sheet music as he started to play a different song. He played it at a slower tempo and purposely made a few mistakes as he would have, or at least he thought he would have, at this age.


	22. Doctor's Appointments and Hair Cuts

Chapter 22 

Days later, Mr. Evans was at his wit's end. Heather still kept insisting that those occasional twinges of pain were nothing, that they would pass, that there was nothing to make a fuss about, that Henry was worrying over nothing, and that she was not going to go out and see a doctor when she was perfectly fine.

He was getting increasingly anxious about this. If, in Severus's timeline, they'd caught it too late, who even knew how much difference even these past few days had made? Of all the times for Heather's stubborn side to come out... she couldn't just keep doing this, taking care of everyone else but herself. That was probably why it had gone undetected so long the first time around.

But what was Henry supposed to do? Blurt out 'Severus is from the future and says you have cancer'? Even if it weren't for all this Voldemort business necessitating absolute secrecy... it just sounded crazy. Hadn't he thought that himself?

He was wracking his brain over the problem at breakfast that morning, when Heather looked across the table and said mildly:

"Henry, why don't you take Severus to get some new clothes today?" 

Severus paused, his fork stabbed into his food and looked up at Mrs. Evans. "You don't have to do that." Severus said, his cheeks tinting red. "I'll be working soon enough anyway ... I can buy my own clothes." He said turning back to his food. He knew that she'd bring it up eventually. She always got him clothes for Christmas, a new winter jacket, a new pair of shoes, a shirt, anything he needed really. Most of which all got destroyed upon getting home, his father hated 'charity' but Mrs. Evans never said anything about the things she bought him or why he wasn't wearing them.

"Nonsense," said Mrs. Evans. "You know it's not any trouble. And your new job's not until September. You can't just wash the same clothes every day for the rest of the summer. They'll wear out and start coming apart in the wash. That tear is only going to get worse."

Mr. Evans felt a pang of guilt; he was fairly certain that the tear at Severus's collar was his fault, even though Severus hadn't said anything about it.

"I agree," Mr. Evans said decisively. "It's not as if it's any trouble, Severus, really."

Lily had to hide a smirk, and shook her head. "You're not going to win this one, Sev. Trust me." 

Severus sighed. "Alright." He said quietly. "But I'm paying you back for it when I get a job." He said insistently. He finished his food and took it to the sink, cleaning off the plate and putting it into the dish rack before cleaning the dishes that was used to make breakfast. 

"Severus dear, you don't have to do that." She said implying both the money and the dishes. Severus rolled his eyes, though none could see as his back was turned to them. 

"I know I don't have too Mrs. Evans ... but I will." He said. 

Mr. Evans understood, to a certain extent. Severus had come from a family that didn't take care of him, so when someone else did, he probably felt like a burden. He wasn't, of course, but how did one explain that to someone who wasn't used to being looked after? And on top of that, the boy had lived out a whole other life in which he had been a self-reliant adult... and was now back in the position of being a teenager again. It had to be frustrating.

Lily went over to help Severus with the dishes. "Anyone ever told you you're incredibly stubborn?" she said quietly, with a slight smile. "Other than me, I mean?" 

Severus shrugged as Lily started drying the dishes. "Your mother .... Your father on occasion .... Quite a few of the teachers." He said nonchalantly handing her a plate. 

"So pretty much everyone, then?" she smirked, taking the dish Severus handed to her and drying it off.

Severus looked at her. "No not everyone ..." Severus said feigning annoyance. "Just the majority of people." 

"Maybe we should take an opinion poll," she said. "Find out the exact percentages. We could make charts and graphs with bright colors."

"I could help with that," Mr. Evans said from behind his morning newspaper. 

"Oh shove off." Severus said handing her the last plate. 

"Dear, why don't you two head out clothes shopping and let us have some girl time. I believe Tuny will be home soon. We can have a girls day while you guys go out do whatever it is you guys do." She said tidying up the rest of the table. 

Lily sighed and dried off the last dish, before going to put everything away. She didn't want to disappoint her mother... but Petunia had been so full of snide and judgmental remarks lately that Lily was not exactly looking forward to dealing with her sister.

"Right, then," said Mr. Evans, folding up his newspaper and standing. "Ready, Severus?"

"We're going clothes shopping Mr. Evans .... Exactly how ready do you expect me to be." Severus joked as he moved towards the front door to put his shoes on.

o0o0o0o0o

Severus hated that Mr. Evans was spending his hard earned money on him. They'd gone to a few places but always left empty handed as Severus had deemed everything to expensive. Finally after much argument and a bit of shouting they were now walking through a thrift shop looking through various items of clothes. 

On the one hand, Severus hated dressing in used clothes, on the other, he hated Mr Evans spending money on him. In the end Mr. Evans money won out. 

"Lily's right," Mr. Evans muttered, letting Severus pick out clothes. "You are stubborn."

Honestly, if Henry said he didn't mind buying Severus clothes, why did Severus still insist otherwise? It was Mr. Evans' money, after all. If he said the other stores were perfectly fine, it wasn't up to Severus to declare them 'too expensive.' 

Severus wound up picking out some clothes, not really sure what was in style in this time period for muggles. He'd never paid attention. In the end he found some plain black tshirts, a long sleeved white shirt that Mr. Evans kept throwing in the cart every time Severus took it out, a plaid shirt, a jean jacket, a winter jacket, a few pairs of pants and a sweater. 

To Mr. Evans it probably didn't seem like a lot but this was the largest wardrobe Severus had ever had by this age. 

"Are you sure there's nothing else you want?" asked Mr. Evans. He knew it was more than the boy had had before, but still... 

"Mr Evans, even in my previous life when I could afford my own things I was a man of simple taste. I never owned much and don't intend to start now." He said with a bit of a laugh. "It would be different of course if I had a family to take care of or a home to look after but, currently I have neither of those things." 

"Well," Mr. Evans sighed. "I can't fault your sense of practicality." Everything Severus picked out was perfectly sensible in terms of comfort and functionality, which, given that he spent most of the year in the Wizarding world, was really all he needed for Muggle garb. 

That is, as long as this really was about Severus's 'simple taste' and not about feeling needlessly guilty that Mr. Evans was buying. He still couldn't be quite sure.

He started heading for the checkout line. "So," he frowned. "You never settled down then? In your old life, I mean?" 

Severus shook his head. "No ..." He said simply though didn't elaborate as too why. He highly doubted 'I was in love with your daughter and couldn't bare being with anyone else.' Was going to be what Mr. Evans wanted to hear. 

Evidently, Severus didn't want to talk about that at the moment. But then, the future Severus knew seemed to be pretty bleak. Who knew what kind of terrible memories the boy was carrying. From the sound of it, Severus had been deeply involved in the war. Maybe he just hadn't had time for much of a personal life.

"So..." Mr. Evans frowned. "You're actually... what age exactly?"

He was still having a difficult time wrapping his head around the whole thing. 

Severus looked at Mr. Evans stopping like a deer caught in head lights. If anything put a damper on him having a relationship with Lily it would be this .... Among other things but this was the immediate threat. 

"Thirty eight." He said quietly before he continued walking. 

Mr. Evans was quiet for a moment.  
"I see," he said. He partly wished he hadn't asked. One more thing he needed to worry about.

On the one hand, he had to worry about Petunia ending up with this Vernon fellow. And just how to address that was a conundrum in itself; if he expressed an opinion on the boy at all, it was bound to backfire. He couldn't very well give Vernon his approval, even before he'd known what Severus had told him. But if he openly disapproved, Petunia would no doubt grow even more attached to the oaf out of sheer rebellion.

And then... Severus.

What in God's name was Mr. Evans going to do about Severus?

What, for that matter, should he do about Severus? Given, none of what had happened was Severus's fault, neither with his upbringing nor with this whole future mess. He didn't hold any of that against him as a person. But he had to think of what was best for Lily.

Then again, Severus was doing everything possible to keep Lily safe, and to keep Mr. Evans' entire family safe, for that matter... Even to the point of telling Mr. Evans things that didn't exactly work to his own favor... 

It was a mess. All of it.

Mr. Evans sighed, and changed the subject for now. "Heather still won't listen to me about seeing a doctor," he confided. "I... don't know what to do about it." 

"I'm sure we'll think of something. I'll try talking to her if you like." He said knowing Mr. Evans was unamused and conflicted about his age. He brushed his hair out of his face as the made their way to the check out. Severus watched Mr. Evans pay for the stuff and it wasn't long before they left. 

"That may help," Mr. Evans admitted. "She won't go because she doesn't want to worry anyone... Maybe if she sees that we're worried already, she'll see a doctor just to convince us nothing's wrong."

Severus smiled as they reached the car and loaded the stuff into the trunk. Severus brushed his hair out of his face again as he closed the trunk. "All else fails, I could always do what I did with my students to get them to listen ..... Threaten to take all the house points and give her detention for three months." He said with a chuckle. He'd never taken all of a houses points, despite wanting too, but he did have a few students he'd had in detention for three months straight one or two times. 

Mr. Evans had to smile at that, as he went to get into the driver's seat. "You were a teacher, then?" he said. It seemed to suit Severus, in a way. "I take it you were a little on the strict side?" He frowned suddenly, and looked back over at Severus.

"It must be really strange for you, suddenly being a student again." Surely Mr. Evans was not the only one who found the whole situation bizarre. 

Severus got into the passenger’s side. "I had to be ... I started teaching so young that over half the students in the school still remembered me as a student. I was rather bullied a lot in school, so when I started teaching everyone saw me as a push over. The fail rate my first year teaching raised from 22% up to 37% and the ministry wanted to sack me if I didn't get me 'act' together .... it had nothing to do with my teaching ability and everything to do with how my students perceived me .... my second year I decided if they didn't want to take the information I could provide them ... then I'd scare it into them. I adopted a new persona so to speak. It worked, the fail rate my second year dropped from 37% down to 18% my third year down to 9% and by my fifth year it dropped to only 4%, the lowest fail rate in the school’s history and had remained steady between 4-6% for the next sixteen years. Given my difficult subject the ministry found the need to do an investigation, had a ministry official sit in on my classes for nearly three weeks monitoring everything I was doing. 

"They didn't like my attitude but they couldn't come up with a reason not to allow me to keep my job. After all, the students were learning better than the teacher previous and it's a hard subject to find a replacement. Slughorn was wanting to retire for years before I took the job." He said glancing at Mr. Evans. "So yes, I was a strict teacher, but the subject requires a strict teacher. It's not a course you can muck about in, if an accident happens someone could get seriously hurt, and it was my job to make sure that didn't happen." He said before thinking about Mr. Evans second statement. 

"It's a little odd being sixteen again ... I have to say teenage hormones were bad enough the first time around, it's almost as if they're worse this time. Perhaps its cause I didn't grow into them this time, it just happened." He said with a shrug. "Other than random mood swings and sudden bursts of emotions, I don't really see it all the different. Besides, if and when I pass my NEWTs this summer, I won't be a student anymore anyway." 

That... did sound difficult. Mr. Evans frowned in thought for a moment, before asking slowly: "You said you were bullied a lot in school. Is that... going on again? Still?"

Even if Severus had technically lived an adult life, Mr. Evans couldn't help but be concerned. 

Severus shook his head. "No, the other student that knows about me is the one that headed the bullying. It was out of necessity. He's a born leader, so between his leadership skills and my knowledge, we had to put aside our differences for now and work together ... people don't really like me at school and would never listen to me. They see me as a death eater, one of Voldemorts followers, because of what house I'm in ... but if James is leading it, then people will listen." He said. "So for now, the bullying has stopped .... we've put our rivalry on hiatus so speak .... if the time comes when Voldemort is defeated if we find the need to rekindle that rivalry then so be it .... but for now we are allies." He said brushing his hands through his hair to pull it behind his shoulders. 

"I suppose there is that, at least," Mr. Evans said, navigating the car out of the parking lot and driving down the road. "Leading what, exactly?" he asked after a while. Obviously they were working together on something that required leadership, so evidently a group was involved. And it had something to do with bringing down Voldemort. But Mr. Evans hadn't been told what precisely they were doing and...  
And he was worried.

As that terrible incident with Severus's father had proven, a couple extra decades of life experience couldn't protect Severus from getting hurt. And even as conflicted as Mr. Evans was about the whole situation, Severus was still in some ways the same boy he'd always known. If he was doing something dangerous...

And, for that matter, if Lily was involved, there could be danger to her as well. 

Severus looked at him. "Too be honest Mr. Evans, its safer for everyone involved if no one knows." He said noticing that Mr. Evans turned right instead of left to head home. "Um ... Mr. Evans? Where are we going?" He asked. 

"Thought you could use a haircut," Mr. Evans said matter-of-factly. "You don't have to get it really short; I know that's kind of a non-issue in the Wizarding world, but... you're past due for a trim at least."

His tone made it clear that this was not negotiable.

Of course, the fact that he was in control of the vehicle may have contributed somewhat too.

If all went well with Severus's NEWTs, which there was no reason not to, Severus would effectively be entering the professional world very quickly. If he had had trouble gaining respect at first the first time around, it would be even worse now. On top of that, his former teachers would suddenly have to see him as more of a colleague. While wizards might not have the same ideas of what 'professional' looked like, a neater appearance couldn't hurt. People perceive someone differently if they appear to look after themselves.

There were very few things Mr. Evans could help with. But this was one of them.

They stopped at a traffic light, and Mr. Evans turned to him and said:

"You know that answer isn't good enough, don't you?" he said sternly. He stared Severus down and asked: "Is Lily involved in this plan?" 

"I don't need a hair cut, and what we're doing isn't dangerous .... it's more like an 'on the side training session' like a study group ..." He said, which wasn't entirely a lie. "It’s just practice on our free times, making ourselves better at our spells and the like .... For the most part, teaching some of the ones who don't know how to defend themselves. And I can't say if Lily's involved or not ... we haven't started the group yet." He said, not wanting to tell Mr. Evans that Lily had already declared her interest in joining. 

"Then why all the secrecy?" Mr. Evans asked pointedly. "That sounds like a little more than just a study group. I take it this is what Dumbledore has you doing? And just how dangerous would all of this defense practice be?"

A honk from the car behind them alerted Mr. Evans that the light had turned green, and he proceeded driving. 

Severus sighed. "Mr. Evans .... I've already told you more than I'm comfortable telling you. Just please trust me that what we're doing is a good thing. We're safe inside Hogwarts and a lot safer than a lot of people outside." He said. "I could have kept my mouth shut and told you nothing of this ... But I trusted you to keep your word and in return I'll ask you to trust me that I'll keep mine." He said. "I've told you before .... I spent 23 years fighting for her memory and for her son, I even sacrificed my life for the greater good ... I have every intentions of making sure she's safe." He said. 

"She had better be safe," Mr. Evans muttered before he could stop himself. No, that wasn't quite fair of him. The danger to Lily was not Severus's fault, and Mr. Evans couldn't really expect him to control everything, no matter how hard he tried. And maybe it was a good idea for Lily to hone her magical self-defense skills. Maybe Severus's secret group was the best chance she had.  
Just knowing about all this, as a father, and as a ... 'Muggle' who could do next to nothing... it was terrifying.

Mr. Evans shook his head. "Sorry. I know you're already doing the best you can. Though... you should be sure to keep yourself safe as well. I get a worrying impression that you don't consider your own wellbeing much of a priority."

He paused, then added: "And yes, you do need a haircut. That's non-negotiable." 

Severus sighed. "No, I don't. It's more money out of your pocket that doesn't need to be spent." He said as if trying to pull his 'don't argue' tone he used as a teacher. 

Mr. Evans raised an eyebrow. "Was that your teacher voice just now?" He continued driving, not changing his course. "I think I'll decide what's worthwhile to spend my money on, if it's all the same to you. Besides, we're almost there." 

Severus scowled that it didn't work. Then again at sixteen he was sure he was about as intimidating as a barking puppy. "I'm not getting it cut short." He said as they pulled into the car park, his arms crossed over his chest in a boarder line pout. 

"I already said it doesn't have to be short," Mr. Evans said, smiling slightly in spite of himself. "You can do whatever you want with it. But at the very least, it needs a trim."

He parked the car and got out. 

Severus sat in the car in a state of semi defiance before he finally got out and followed Mr. Evans through the car park and to the barber shop. He walked slouched with his hair covering his face, his hands in his pockets clearly unamused with this whole idea. He didn't need a haircut. To be honest, he didn't even remember the last time he'd had his hair cut by a muggle barber. The last time he'd had his hair cut by a muggle was when his father decided it was time for one and had tied him to the chair and tried to cut the struggling boys hair. 

Severus could still feel the bite of the sharp metal scissors in the scar he had behind his ear. Could still hear the insults that were strewn at him about his choppy ill cut hair. Perhaps that was why Severus always hated getting his hair cut. But then again .... he was technically an adult and they were going to a professional place. He supposed there really was no harm in going to a muggle barber. And he had to admit, his hair was getting long. 

Mr. Evans led the way into the barber shop, knowing that, sooner or later, Severus would follow him. After all, Mr. Evans had the car keys. He held the door open for Severus to enter.

The barber looked up and smiled as they entered.

"Hello, there. What can I do for you today?"

Severus stared at the barber, the scowl never leaving his face. If Mr. Evans wanted to act like a parent, then he can bloody well act like the parent! Severus knew he was being silly, but it didn't stop him from ignoring the barber. 

Mr. Evans raised an eyebrow. Future experience or not, Severus was still evidently more of a teenager than he might want to believe. Mr. Evans wasn't quite sure what to make of that.

"Hi, Kevin," Mr. Evans greeted the barber. "Severus here is going to need a trim, but doesn't want anything too short. Think you can help him out?" He turned to Severus and muttered. "Do try to be polite?"

The barber nodded. "Oh, I'm sure we can work something out. Come have a seat here, Severus." 

Severus refrained from rolling his eyes, trying to remember that this man was taking him into his home and spending his own money on him. But this barber he already didn't like. He didn't give the man permission to use his first name ... then again, the man didn't know his last name. Still ... It's not polite to call someone by their first name without permission. 

Severus sat where the barber indicated, muttering a quiet 'I'll try, but I make no promises.' to Mr. Evans. 

"Well, then," said the barber, taking a look at what he had to work with. Evidently, the young man's hair hadn't seen much maintenance in a long time. And he looked like he'd been dragged here, if not kicking and screaming, then certainly grumbling and sulking. "Is there anything in particular you have in mind?" 

Severus looked at the barber and could tell this man was amused by his attitude. "I don't want it short." He said, keeping it simple. Either way he was getting his hair cut, and as much as he didn't trust this muggle, it wasn't as if he had many option. 

 

"Not short, I promise," the barber agreed. As uneasy as the boy seemed, he had to wonder whether he'd ever been to a professional barber at all. He looked at the young man for a moment, and frowned. "I don't say this often," he said. "But I don't think short hair would suit you much anyway."

Better not do anything too different, since Severus was uncomfortable enough just being here. Maybe even things out a bit here, layer a little where it was needed... make the whole thing look more intentional, and less haphazard and neglected.  
Before long, he set to work.

Mr. Evans sat nearby with a newspaper.


	23. Taken For Granted

Chapter 23

Severus stood in the guest room adjusting the jean jacket Mr. Evans had bought for him. Why did he buy a jean jacket? He ran his hands through his hair and sneered. "I look like John Bender." He said, wondering exactly how he remembered the guy’s name. He hadn't seen the Breakfast Club in years. He sighed and ran his hands through his hair again. It felt odd, but he knew he'd get used to it. 

He made his way down the stairs and to the living room where Lily was, her mother in the kitchen making dinner. "Hey." Severus said as Amaranth flew from the couch over to his shoulder. 

Lily looked up at Severus as he walked into the room.

"Hey, there," she smiled. "You look good." She realized what she had just said, and blushed slightly. "I mean the clothes that you picked out," she added quickly. "They suit you." Severus really did look good though. There wasn't anything drastically different about his appearance, or anything particularly spectacular about the clothes, but... Lily liked them on him. Maybe it was just that Severus had picked them out himself.

"So how did your day go?" she asked. 

"You mean other than your father subjecting me to all kinds of tortures?" He asked flopping down on the couch, as if exhausted from a long day of pain and torture, though it was clearly an over exaggerated act. "It was fine." He said hearing his stomach growl as the smell of food wafted into the living room. He looked at Lily and smiled. 

"What about you? Did you have fun with your sister?" He asked, a grin on his face. 

Lily made a face. "Oh yes, fun," she said, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "We had some delightful quality time. You know, somewhere between nitpicking and the incessant gossip about the neighbours, and the complaining that she was stuck hanging around with me and mum instead of her dearest Vernon..."

Lily sighed. "One of us was switched at birth. I'm sure of it." 

"Maybe she was dropped off by aliens ... it might explain the neck." Severus joked, stretching out his neck as if trying to careen his head too look over a fence. He laughed as he relaxed back into the couch. 

"Behave you two." Mrs. Evans said, two parchments in her hand both sealed. She handed them both to Severus. "These came in the mail for you earlier. I nearly forgot." She said as Severus took them. Severus looked at the seals. One was an official ministry seal, the other the Potter crest. 

Lily laughed at Severus's impression of Petunia, but made herself stop as her mum came in. She was right, of course... but it had been a long day with far too much Petunia in it. It wasn't as if Petunia didn't make fun of her behind her back too.

She looked over at Severus's letters. "I can guess what the Ministry one's about," she said, then frowned. She didn't quite recognize the other seal. "What's that one?" she asked, pointing to the second letter.

Severus put the letters in his pocket. "The other is from Potter ... I'll open them later." He said honestly too nervous to find out if he could take his newts or not. Severus sighed and took the ministry one out again .... He handed it to Lily. "Here .... You open it." 

Lily nodded and took the letter. "Alright then," she said, nervous on Severus's behalf. She really, really hoped this all went well for Severus. He deserved this so much, and it was high time something started actually going right for him...

She read over the letter quickly, then looked back at him. "Your court date is on Wednesday next week, at three o'clock in the afternoon." 

"They gave me a court date?!" Severus asked, whipping the paper back from Lily and staring at the paper in disbelief. He thought for sure the ministry wouldn't even see him. "This is fantastic!" He said. So far everything was going to plan. Now if only they could convince the ministry to allow him to take the NEWTs ... That was the next step. 

Lily grinned. She rarely got to see Severus this excited about anything. "And hey, as long as they're scheduled to sit there in a room, they might as well listen to some of what you have to say."

Now that the Ministry had scheduled a court date, Lily thought Severus's chances of being allowed to take the NEWTs looked pretty good, particularly with Dumbledore vouching for him. 

Petunia chose that moment to come into the room. She sneered at Snape. "So were housing convicts now?" She asked. "What did you do? Rape some poor defenceless Mudblood?" Petunia asked as she moved into the kitchen for supper which was nearly done. 

Severus opened his mouth to snap at her but Mrs. Evans held her hand up, stopping him. "Come on you two, let's go eat supper before your father dies of starvation. Heaven forbid he hasn't eaten since lunch time." She said with a bit of a laugh. 

Lily's mouth dropped open in shock, her face red with anger. That was incredibly wrong, even for Petunia. But before she could yell at her for it, Mrs. Evans had intervened.

"Mum!" Lily protested. "You're not going to let her just say things like that to Severus, are you?"

"I was just asking," Petunia said peevishly from the kitchen. 

"No I will have a talk with her later. For now were all going to sit down and have supper." She said as Severus stood to follow her into the kitchen. He glared at Petunia as he sat across from her. 

"Be careful what you say Tuny." Severus said. "You may just come to regret it!" 

"MOM SNAPE JUST THREATENED ME!!!" Petunia shrieked. 

"I didn't .... I was just making a simple statement." He said. 

Lily sighed, accepting her mother's answer and following them into the kitchen. She'd had just about enough of Petunia today. And this time, she really had gone too far.

She winced at Petunia's shriek. "Ow, Tuny," she rubbed at her ears. "Volume." Mr. Evans situated himself at the table, and immediately hid behind a newspaper.

Lily frowned. "Haven't you finished that by now?" she whispered.

"I've still got Letters to the Editor and the crossword puzzle," Mr. Evans muttered back. 

"Behave all four of you." Mrs Evans said as she placed supper on the table. They ate in silence for a few moments before Severus reached for the potatoes which were closer to him than they were to Petunia. Petunia flinched causing Severus to pause. 

He brought the potatoes closer to him. 

"Stop staring at me freak!" Petunia said. Severus ignored her as he looked down to the potatoes he put on his plate. Petunia put her fork and knife down. "I'm going to go to Vernon's, at least there I'm don't have to sit in the presence of freaks." She said standing from the table. 

Severus nearly exploded. "Petunia enough!" Severus practically yelled causing Petunia to freeze. 

"Petunia," Mr. Evans said in a quiet, stern voice. But that didn't make it stop. Before Mr. Evans could tell her that she was most certainly not going to Vernon's, Severus launched into his outburst.

"How dare you raise your voice to me in my house!" Petunia said angrily. 

"Do you not ever think about what you say. Do you not realize that your behaviour is hurting your sister?!" 

Petunia sneered at him. "Once again it's always about Lily isn't it." 

Severus sneered. "No .... This is about both of you. Because in hurting Lily you are hurting yourself. How would you feel if the last thing you said to your sister was calling her a freak ... How would you feel for the rest of your life if she didn't wake up tomorrow and that was the last thing you said too her?" Severus asked getting rather upset. "You act like you don't care about her but the reality is you do .... So you best start acting like it before you get to a point where you regret not having the chance!" He ranted at her. "So sit down, and eat your supper and forget about Dursley for a few god damn minutes and enjoy the fact that you have a family to sit here and enjoy dinner with!" 

Lily and Mrs. Evans both stared in surprise, as did Henry... but he understood. Severus had an entirely different perspective on this than the rest of them did.

Petunia looked absolutely shocked, and her mouth opened for a retort that she couldn't think of. 

"Petunia," Mr. Evans said sternly. "Sit down and eat dinner with your family." Petunia stared for a moment longer, then crossed her arms and sat back down, sullen and glowering. Lily was still surprised by Severus's outburst; where had all that even come from? 

Severus remained quiet for the rest of dinner, though he didn't eat all of it, finding that he had once again lost his appetite. He put his cutlery down before excusing himself from the table and going up to the guest room. He shut the door quiet and glanced at Amaranth who squawked at him. 

"Oh you be quiet." He said flopping down on the bed. He knew he was being immature, but he remembered the conversation he'd had with Petunia after Lily died. It was the last time they'd spoken. They both came to see Lily's grave alone and had run into each other. He remembered sitting by Lily's grave and for once having a civil conversation with Petunia .... Sure she still hated him ... as he had her, but they wouldn't fight ... not there. 

She had expressed her guilt towards the way she had treated her sister, had wished she had the ability to go back and make it all right. To get to know her sister better. But it had been too late. Now here he was with Petunia hating her sister, and Severus couldn't stand it. He may not like Petunia, but he knew what regret felt like. 

Severus seemed really upset all through dinner, though everyone else had succumbed to the awkward silence as well. A little while after dinner, Lily went up and tapped on the guest room door, worried. "Severus?" she called out quietly. 

Severus sighed. He knew Lily would come after him. 

"Come in." Severus said at the quiet knock. It wasn't as if he were indecent or anything. 

Lily opened the door and walked in. "Are you alright?" she asked, concerned. "I'm glad you told off Petunia, really. Someone needed to. But... where did all of that come from?" 

Severus sighed. "I'm just sick of her attitude ... She doesn't realize how lucky she is to have a family that loves her, never mind even giving a toss about her." He said staring at the ceiling. "She's going to realize one day what she's lost and will regret it if anything happened to you." He said. 

Thinking about it now, Lily supposed that to Severus, seeing someone with a good family life who didn't appreciate it would be nothing short of infuriating.

But still... Lily looked at him. "Severus, nothing is going to happen to me," she reassured him, sitting down on the bed next to him. Alright, so given the state of things in the Wizarding world, maybe she couldn't guarantee that for sure. No one could, really. But she was far from being in any immediate danger. 

"You don't know that. And neither does she .... she should start thinking about things like that. And it's not even just the war coming up. What if you had like a heart attack, or got hit by a car, or any number of things .... It's not just the wizarding world ... it's everyday life. You never know when your life's going to end, or a family members life is going to end and by hating them you're doing nothing but building regret for that moment." Severus said sitting up and leaning against the head board. 

"I... guess you're right," Lily said quietly. "I don't know if what you said will change anything, but it seemed to get Petunia thinking." After a moment's hesitation, she took Severus's hand in hers. She was quiet for a moment, contemplating what he'd just said. "Is that... something that's been worrying you lately?" 

 

Severus looked up at her. "It's something that's always worried me. You're the only thing I care about. I have no family or real friends ... other than you ...." He said looking down at the bed awkwardly. "I don't want to make this awkward or anything ... I don't want you to feel pressured or anything .... about when I asked you out. But ... you're the only thing I really care about. If I lost you .... I'd have nothing." He said still staring down at the bed. Why was he telling her this. All this would do is make her feel pressured, make her leave .... she'd probably call him stupid or try to convince him otherwise. But it was true. Lily was his world ... She was everything to him. She was the air he breathed, the beating in his heart, the thoughts that filled his mind ... But he couldn't tell her how he felt ... not yet. 

Lily looked back at him, not sure what to say. This was Severus, after all. He had been important to her for a long time, but... she still didn't know how to react to this. And... she didn't like the idea of him feeling alone, of having nobody else there for him. She knew he wasn't trying to make her feel pressured, and she wasn't about to try to force her emotions even if she did. She knew that wouldn't end well in the long run, no matter how good her intentions. If that kind of relationship was going to develop between them, she had to be sure. She hated the idea of hurting him. Or losing his friendship. But... how was she supposed to feel about this revelation?

"Severus..." she said quietly, and then hugged him. She didn't know what else to do. "You mean a lot to me too, but... You... do know there are people who care about you, right?" 

Severus smiled embarrassed. He knew she didn't know how to react. "I'm sorry ... I'm making you feel awkward ..." He said rubbing his hand over the back of his neck. "And I know there is but .... it's you that hold me to them ... No one outside your family actually cares about me ... everyone else just cares about what I can do for them ... but your family ... It's almost like having a family of my own. Though I know I'm just an outsider here ..." He said awkwardly. 

Lily sighed. "Well... a little awkward, maybe," she admitted, smiling slightly. "But... you shouldn't feel like an outsider here. Nobody thinks of you that way." He was right to an extent, though. Lily's mum and dad genuinely liked Severus, but his only tie to them was through her, because he was her best friend. "Anyway," she shrugged, still not sure what to say. "I'm not planning on going anywhere." 

Severus smiled at her before he remembered his letter. "Oh yeah, Potter wrote to me." He said pulling the parchment out of his pocket. "I nearly forgot. I was going to save it for when your parents weren't around." He said flipping the letter over to the sealed side. He broke the Gryffindor red seal and flipped the paper open. After reading it he told Lily the gist of what it said. "Potter wants me to meet him on Monday, talk more about our little group. He seems to think I can assist him in some way ..." He said acting confused. "I wonder why Potters trying to get me involved so much in this." He said, still feigning confusion. 

Lily frowned. "That... does sound unlike him. Maybe... he's trying to make sure the two of you are able to work together without killing each other before he introduces you to the group?"  
That still didn't sound quite like Potter. "Or..." she bit her lip. "I don't know, Severus. You don't think he's planning some kind of nasty prank or something, do you? I mean... it is Potter." 

"Possibly. But then again he sounded serious about Voldemort. The man has to be stopped, and I think Potter is serious about this. Whatever it is, I'll take the risk. It's not like Potter can actually do anything serious to me anyway. Besides, I think currently it's more Sirius I have to worry about ... you saw how Potter intervened the last time." He said. "I'm not saying I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt but .... I think he's taking this seriously." 

Lily sighed. "Maybe... I still don't know." Of course, if Severus of all people was willing to give Potter the benefit of the doubt, maybe she should too. "So... is this a top secret meeting, or can other future members come too?" she asked. She would feel better about the whole thing if Severus didn't go to meet Potter alone. 

"I don't know. I think it would be best if I just went on my own." He said. "As much as I'd like you to come with me. I'm not sure what this is about." He said putting the parchment back in his pocket again as the sounds of the piano echoed up the stairs. 

"Alright," Lily sighed. "Just... be careful, okay?" She heard her mum starting up on the piano, and stood.

"Want to go listen?" she asked.


	24. Health Held Hostage

Chapter 24 

Severus walked into the kitchen as everyone else was already eating. Mr. Evans was attempting to convince Mrs. Evans to go see a doctor. 

"It might not be nothing and it's better to be safe than sorry." Mr. Evans argued as Severus sat down at the table. He picked up the box and poured some into his bowl. 

"It's nothing dear ... It'll pass." She insisted. Severus didn't know how he could convince her to go. She had too. He ate his cereal quietly as he looked at the box, reading the back of it, unaware that he was squinting a bit as he read the box. 

"Then just see a doctor anyway," Mr. Evans argued. "If it's nothing, he can confirm that, and I'll stop worrying."

"I already told you," Heather said firmly. "I am not going to go see the doctor over nothing."

Mr. Evans was absolutely at his wits' end. His wife might well be running out of time already. She needed to see a doctor now. But how could he convince her of that?

If only it weren't so completely vital to the fate of... well, everyone, apparently, to keep Severus's knowledge of the future a secret.

He glanced over at the boy, and frowned. Had Severus always squinted like that when trying to read something? "Is there something bothering your eyes, Severus?" he asked. It didn't seem bright enough in here to require squinting, and judging by where Severus was sitting, he shouldn't have direct sunlight in his eyes from the window either. 

Severus looked up at Mr. Evans confused by the sudden topic change. "No, why?" Severus asked wondering what would make Mr. Evans ask that. 

"You were squinting just now," Mr. Evans said, a little concerned now. "When you were reading the cereal box." Now that he thought about it, it made sense. If Severus was having vision problems, there was a good chance they were gradual, and he hadn't noticed it. And it wasn't as if anyone at home would have cared enough to notice, let alone actually do anything about it. 

Severus put the box back down. "I'm fine ..." He said turning back to his cereal. He got by without glasses the first time around he'd be damned if he was getting them now. 

Mr. Evans shook his head. "It may be a good idea to get your eyes examined, just in case."

Of course, he was certain that Severus was going to fight him on this, just as he had over the clothes and the haircut. Which Henry really didn't need right now, with Heather also refusing to see a doctor... Why couldn't everyone just be reasonable about looking after themselves? It would be so much easier if people weren't so bound and determined to avoid being a burden. 

"You really should get your eyes checked if your squinting Severus." Mrs. Evans said looking across the table at him. Severus sat back in his chair and looked to Mrs. Evans. Well, if there was one thing Snape was good at it was manipulation and negotiating. 

"I’ll tell you what. I'll get my eyes checked if you do what Mr. Evans is requesting of you." He said confidently. 

Mrs. Evans shook her head. "Severus, you can't just hold your own wellbeing hostage." She looked over at her husband for support, but Mr. Evans just gave her a completely innocent look, fighting back his amusement at Severus's ultimatum.

"That's right, Severus," said Mr. Evans with a completely straight face. "It wouldn't hurt to check, even if it turns out to be unnecessary. Looking after yourself is important."

Mrs. Evans crossed her arms and glared at him. "Did you two plan this?" she demanded.

"Unfortunately, no," said Mr. Evans. "And I don't really see a way to talk him out of this one." 

Severus watched Mrs. Evans, waiting for her answer. "I think you should go. If you want me to go, you'll go to the doctor first." He said stubbornly as he continued to eat his breakfast. 

Mrs. Evans sighed.

"Alright," she tossed up her hands. "If you all think it's so terribly important, I'll go. But I'm sure this is all just a lot of fuss over nothing." 

Mr. Evans gave Severus a grateful look, and then went to go call the doctor and make an appointment.


	25. Court

Chapter 25 

Severus stood next to Dumbledore, fiddling with the sleeve of the suite Mr. Evans had lent him. He glanced at Albus as the Minister reviewed the information Albus had presented to him, in favour of advancing him to his NEWTs over the summer, to complete his education. Severus looked up at the minister, his hands held in front of him as he watched the Minister pouring over his file. 

Minister of Magic Nobby Leach, the first Muggle-born ever to fill his position, read carefully through Severus Snape's file. He had glanced over it before, once it had been sent on to him and approved for this meeting but... with current events, there had been so much weighing on Leach's mind that he needed to look over it again. He gave it his full attention and scrutiny. 

At last, he looked up from the file and down at the boy. A lean, lank, serious-faced young man. Of course, given the circumstances, he could hardly expect the boy to look at ease. A Slytherin, according to his file. 

"Well, then, Severus," said the Minister of Magic in a neutral tone. "Your academic accomplishments certainly speak for themselves, and Headmaster Dumbledore clearly considers you capable of early graduation... Yet I see nothing here indicating why you wish to graduate so early. What is it that you wish to do that you cannot accomplish by graduating in the usual amount of time?"

He looked Severus Snape firmly in the eye, gaze unwavering. There was certainly one reason that came to mind. Many young Slytherins were rushing headlong to join Lord Voldemort's cause. Evidently, Dumbledore thought otherwise. But Leach intended to form his own deductions.

Severus didn't even hesitate, though he made sure that what he said didn't sound rehearsed. "Due to a situation at home, I am required to stay with a friend until I am seventeen. My father is in jail for ...." Severus paused. "For child abuse ... and my mother is not fit to care for me ... I wish to graduate from Hogwarts so that I may acquire a job to take care of myself where my parents have failed." He said simply. "As is, I will not graduate until I'm eighteen. I do not wish to be a burden to my friends parents for the next two years ... I am not their child, and therefore should not have to take care of me. As such I'd like to be given the means, since I have the ability, to be able to finish my schooling, and get a job as soon as possible." 

Leach was quiet a moment, watching the young man as he spoke. He certainly seemed sincere enough. And it was always a shame to hear of cases like this... Many others in similar circumstances suffered academically. If nothing else, Severus was certainly extraordinarily bright and determined... which could be all the more dangerous if it was applied in the wrong ways. Furthermore, a background like Severus's could promote bitterness, which often led young people to inadvisable life choices, especially if made too quickly. 

"That is... very responsible of you," Leach said. "Though, as a minor, it is your right to be looked after and protected. Tell me a little about this family that you are staying with. I take it this is a friend from Hogwarts? Someone in your House?" 

"Not from my house no ... I have no friends in my house. Her name is Lily Evans ... her parents are Heather and Henry Evans ... she's in Gryffindor house." He said, but wasn't willing to tell him any more than that. "It may be my right to be looked after as a minor Minister, but with all due respect, I haven't been given the option. I've been taking care of myself since before I could remember ... And I'd like to have the ability to do it properly. I don't want to end up like my father ... I don't want to be a nobody. And I'd like to be able to do it in a time when it will make a difference ... The last thing that would be good for me is to remain in classes where I'm bored out of my skull and finding .... other ... means to entertain myself ... I finish my homework far too quickly, pay little attention in class, and am still top of my class. With all due respect sir ... I think it would be in everyone's best interest to allow me to take my NEWTs. I can do a lot more good outside of class than in ..." 

Leach's eyebrows raised.

Gryffindor? Well, that was certainly interesting. As far as he could recall, close friendships between those two houses had always been rare. He wasn't certain whether he could believe that this boy had no friends at all in Slytherin. He might well be saying that just to counter any suspicions Leach might have about possible Death Eater connections. After all, Severus Snape was an exceptionally intelligent young man. It had to have crossed his mind what Leach might be thinking. Then again, whatever the boy's standing might be among his peers in Slytherin, it was his Gryffindor friend that he had gone to for help. Most interesting. That alone might be a reason why he had no friends in his own house. It could very well be true. And if that were the case... the sooner he graduated, the sooner he would be out of the Slytherin common room.

It was all quite plausible. Leach was beginning to see why Dumbledore vouched for him. But he had to be sure.

"What do you mean exactly by 'in a time when it will make a difference'? And what sort of job do you intend to pursue? Do you have any offers already?" 

"By that Minister, I mean I can start making money for myself now ... and get my life in order, instead of waiting until I'm eighteen and thrust out into the world on my ass. If you'll pardon my language. That's the difference .... it might not seem like a big difference to you. But it does to me. Two years could mean the difference between being able to rent my own apartment or buying my own house ... and winding up on the street." He paused when it came to what he wanted to do in the long run, and looked to Albus, who had stood quietly beside him. 

"It was my intent, Minister," said Albus, stepping forward. "To offer Mr. Snape an apprenticeship at Hogwarts. He would be working with Professor McGonagall as a teacher's aid while pursuing advanced studies in Transfiguration." Dumbledore smiled slightly. "With your permission, of course."

"I see," Leach pondered that a moment. "That certainly does sound a great deal better than just flinging a young man out into the world to fend for himself 'on his ass,' as Mr. Snape has so eloquently put it. You understand my concern of course... So he would, then, remain under Hogwarts protection and supervision during the course of his apprenticeship?"

"Naturally," Dumbledore replied.

It made sense, really. The arrangement that Dumbledore suggested would provide Severus with room and board, rather than leaving him to fend for himself completely. Furthermore, he would still be at Hogwarts, working closely with Minerva McGonagall. There was only so much he could possibly get up to without the Headmaster knowing. Furthermore... Dumbledore clearly saw potential in Severus Snape. He was obviously a very capable young man, and Albus seemed convinced that he could guide that intelligence and determination in the right direction.

"Well," the Minister of Magic sighed. "It seems that you have really thought this out... and what good is our education system if it does not help students to achieve their full potential?" 

Severus stared up at the minister, wondering if he was just fucking with him. He wasn't sure if the minister wanted an answer from him, but if he did, he wasn't entirely sure how to answer. He waited for the Ministers final decision on the matter. Unbeknownst to the minister, his final decision on how much help Severus could be to the war in the upcoming years. 

Leach couldn't help but notice the uncertain expression on the young man's face. "That one was rhetorical, Mr. Snape, don't worry." 

Albus, however, was significantly more difficult to read. What else was new? Of course, Leach had his doubts, but surely nothing that the Headmaster hadn't already thought through himself. If there were anything concrete to confirm those worries, Albus would know about it. And if there were any real cause to worry about the young man's possible Death Eater affiliations, his request would never have made it past Dumbledore in the first place. The Headmaster knew something that Leach didn't... though he suspected that was often the case.

Regardless, Leach would never have come as far as he had without Dumbledore's support. And in these troubling times, he needed Albus on his side. What was the point, really, of denying the Headmaster such a relatively minor request, when he seemed to have the situation so well under control?

"I can see no reason to deny your request," the Minister of Magic decided. "Mr. Snape, you are hereby granted permission to advance directly to your NEWTs exams over the summer and, should you receive the required scores, to graduate early from Hogwarts." 

Severus actually smiled and looked over at Albus, for once looking sixteen, as he should. He looked back to the minister. "Thank you Minister." He said nodding to the man. Thank Merlin .... no more boring classes. "May I ask when I will be permitted to take them?" He asked. 

"We haven't handed the NEWTs Scores back to the students. If you take them this week, we can grade them with the other students. We've almost finished but I'm sure the teachers won't mind grading one more exam at the end." Albus said clapping Severus on the shoulder. "We'll set up your first exams on Monday. Do you think you'll be ready?" Albus asked with a knowing smile. 

"More than I'll ever be." Severus grinned.

((A/N – Three weeks? THREE WEEKS?! What is this tomfoolery? Sorry for the long awaited update, I have posted two chapters since the last one was … well … boring …. And short …. Anyway …. The plot advances!!!! And as always, please please please R&R))


	26. Admission Too Soon?

Chapter 26

When she heard Severus return, Lily raced down the stairs and bounded into the entryway as he walked in the door. 

"How did it go?" she asked anxiously.

She knew how badly Severus wanted to be able to graduate early, how brilliant he was, how hard he had worked. After everything he'd been through lately, he deserved for something to actually go right for him for a change. But if the Minister of Magic didn't see that, if he just dismissed the whole thing because it didn't fit in with the neat, bureaucratic system of how things work... She didn't know how he would react. 

Severus smiled at her as she bounded down the stairs, seemingly excited to see him. "Well .... lets just say I have a lot of studying to do this weekend." He said with a laugh, though he knew he wouldn't study all that much. Perhaps brush up on a few subjects but it wasn't anything that would require a lot of time .... then again .... 

"Do you want to help me study?" Severus asked, using it as an excuse to spend more time with Lily. 

Lily broke into a huge grin. It might be a little early to celebrate, since everything still depended on Severus's NEWT's, but there was no doubt in her mind that he could do it, now that he'd been given the chance. Severus hadn't always made the best choices, but she'd never known anyone more brilliant, and when his stubbornness turned toward studying, there was no one more diligent. She couldn't help being excited for him already.

"Absolutely," she said. "When will you be taking your exams?" 

"Monday ..." He said pulling a paper out of his pocket. "Albus and I planned it all out. I'll be taking the NEWTs in his office under his supervision. Since it's only me, the Ministry trusts him to be able to 'keep an eye on me' so to speak." He handed her the piece of paper. He had a rather full week, but he knew he'd get through the exams quickly. It shouldn't take him more than an hour per exam, which left him plenty of time to meet Potter at Hogwarts for some training. 

Albus had already sent an owl to Potter, and Albus would be apparating the boy to the school personally so that the two could train. He flipped open the paper before handing it to her. 

Monday - Astronomy, Charms  
Tuesday - DADA, Potions  
Wednsday - Herbology, Transfiguation  
Thursday - History of Magic, Apparition  
Friday - Alchemy, Ancient Runes 

"Monday," Lily said thoughtfully, taking the paper and looking over Severus's exam schedule. "That doesn't give us a lot of time..." she looked back up at him. "Right, then," she said brightly. "We'd better get started."

She turned around, red hair flying behind her, and proceeded to run back up the stairs. "To the books!" she declared. 

Mr. Evans laughed as he came in the door and hung his jacket up. "She seems more eager than you are about all this." He said as Severus finally took off his own. 

"Well .... at least one of us is. As happy as I am to be able to take my NEWTs .... I haven't studied in a long time ..." He said with a bit of a laugh before heading up the stairs. 

"Hey Severus ...." Mr. Evans said causing Severus to pause half way up the stairs and look back at him. "Door open ..." Severus had to refrain from rolling his eyes as he moved back up the stairs. 

"Of course, Mr. Evans." 

Petunia emerged from her room looking irritated as Lily ran past her in the hallway. "Do you have to be such a nerd when you're already a freak?" Petunia asked in disdain.

"No, but I might as well," Lily quipped back, not particularly bothered. She was far too excited about helping Severus study for his NEWTs. Severus was so close now to achieving something he wanted so badly; all he had to do was score well. And Lily was determined to make sure he was at his best by exam time. 

After all the things Severus had been through lately that Lily hadn't been able to do a damn thing about, this was something she could help with. She went into her room to get parchment and quills, then went into the guest room, ignoring Petunia's annoyance. 

Severus walked into the guest room which was next to Lilys and placed the bag on the ground. He one by one pulled text books out of the bag and set them on the ground. The necessary textbooks he needed for his NEWTs. A gift from Dumbledore. 

"I don't know how you're planning on helping me study, I only have three days and none of this we've gone over in class." 

"True," said Lily, looking over the books. "But I can help you take notes, quiz you on things to test how well you're retaining information, poke you if you start to fall asleep... Or, you know, leave you alone if you think you'd study better undisturbed," she added. "I'd understand."

Though the idea of leaving disappointed her, Severus tended to be pretty solitary by nature to begin with, and no doubt already knew by now which studying methods worked best for him.. 

Severus heard Petunia going downstairs as he pushed the Potions text book aside. That was something he would not need revision on. A few seconds later he added the DADA text to that pile. Transfiguration, Charms and Ancient Runes was what he needed to brush up on. Especially if he was going into a Transfiguration apprenticeship. 

"Start with Transfiguration then?" He asked, sitting on the floor leaning against the dresser. "I've already read through all these text books and know pretty much everything in them. They haven't changed since my moms been in school, so it's all mostly revision for me." He said, only a half lie. 

"Always the overachiever," Lily teased with a slight smile. But then, that was her Severus. She glanced away, picking up the Transfiguration book. Had she really just thought that? What in Merlin's name did she mean by her Severus anyway? But then, that was the question, wasn't it? The sooner she sorted through her feelings, the better off they would both be. But now was not the time for that.

"Transfiguration it is," she said, sitting across from him on the floor, her back against the edge of the bed, and opening up the book. "What do you say we go through this chapter by chapter, I quiz you on key terms and concepts, and we write down anything you miss or hesitate on, so you know what you still need to focus on?" 

"Sounds good to me." Severus said stretching his legs out and pulling a notebook out of his bag. They spent the next few hours studying, Severus pretending to hesitate every once in a while, or getting a few questions wrong on purpose, just so it didn't seem too suspicious. Severus glanced at the door when he heard footsteps coming into the room. 

Mr. Evans appeared in the door. "How the studying coming along?" He asked. Severus looked up at him. 

"Good." He said simply. Mr. Evans looked at Severus and raised an eyebrow but didn't comment. 

"We're taking Petunia to her Ballet class, you two behave yourselves." He said more to Severus than to Lily. 

"Yes, dad," said Lily. "No blowing up the house while you're gone."

She knew perfectly well that wasn't what he meant, but it was far too awkward to acknowledge outright. It wasn't as if they were about to actually do anything anyway. But she supposed her dad felt like he had to say it anyway, as a formality. It was still weird, though. 

Mr. Evans gave Severus another look before leaving the room and heading back downstairs. Severus looked down to his text book again as they heard the three downstairs rustling around getting ready before leaving the house, the door closing with a loud click that echoed upstairs. 

Severus remained quiet, now feeling a bit awkward after Mr. Evan's comments of "behave". 

"Sorry," Lily said, more than a little embarrassed. "He didn't used to be nearly that weird." Not around Severus, anyway. Her parents had known Severus since he was little, and had always seemed to think well of him. Maybe her dad had just now noticed that they were teenagers, and wasn't sure how to cope. Or maybe it was because Severus was staying here. But that underlying awkwardness seemed to have only just started this summer, and rather abruptly at that.

"So," she said brightly, by way of changing the subject. "Shall we move on to the next chapter?" 

Severus laughed slightly. "Next chapter? I think we can move onto the next subject." He said gently pulling the book from her hands. "I'm getting kind of bored of Transfiguration anyway." He said leaning his head back against the drawer behind him. It wasn't like potions where he could immerse himself for hours on end. Transfiguration he could only stand for so long before he was bored. Especially when it was all theory. 

"Alright then," Lily laughed. "I'll agree, I think you're pretty solid on the subject. Though if you get bored of Transfiguration so easily, are you sure you want to do an apprenticeship in it?"

"What else would I got into an apprenticeship for?" He asked, glancing up at her and waving his hand at the charms text book. Truth be told he could go into potions, but he couldn't imagine teaching the little dunderheads how to blow up his classroom any longer. He'd been so happy to get away from it .... 

"Oh, I don't know," Lily said off-handedly. "Any subject you want? Maybe some subjects come more naturally to you than others," she knew Severus's Potions prowess alone was nothing short of genius, and he was practically a walking thesaurus on all things DADA. "But you're stubborn enough to do well in just about any of them."

She opened the Charms textbook to the first chapter, and went back to quizzing him on the material. She was fairly confident now that Severus would be more than prepared for his NEWTs. There were Ravenclaws who would be sickeningly jealous if they knew just how advanced Severus was. 

Severus was barely paying attention to the studying they were doing, seeming to be almost on auto pilot as he answered the questions. He watched her as he answered, watched her lips as she talked.

"The advanced technique used in the-" Severus paused and leaned back against the dresser again. "Lily." He said more than asked. "Can I ask you a question?" He asked quietly. 

Lily looked up from the textbook. There was something in Severus's tone of voice and in his eyes that told her this was not Charms-related. 

"Of course," she said, marking the page they were on and setting the book aside. 

"Um .... I was just wondering .... If I do get this job, and get some money ... If you'd still ... Um .... Well if you'd still be interested in going to dinner with me ..." He said quietly. 

That nervousness was back again, there in Severus's voice, his manner, the hesitations in his speech. She felt guilty, somehow, about making him nervous, about not having all the answers and being able to just put his mind at ease, one way or the other. After knowing each other for so long, he shouldn't have to feel nervous around her now... but then, Lily was a little nervous when this topic came up too. There shouldn't have to be anything awkward about it, dammit. They were two intelligent people, weren't they? But she couldn't help it. She was afraid she would say the wrong thing and hurt his feelings, or else rush into something and ruin their friendship.

Lily nodded, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "Yes," she said. "I'd... still be interested. We should definitely go to dinner. It would be fun."

She made herself shut up before it turned into babbling. Weird. She hadn't been this nervous about it before, had she? What did that even mean? 

"Great." Severus said staring at the floor. "Good ... I mean ..." Severus cleared his throat. What the hell was wrong with him? He was a grown man, not a teenaged boy ... contrary to his current appearance. "Dumbledore said he doesn't have any doubts that I'd pass my NEWTs. He's seen my scores so if I do pass them I'll have to go back to Hogwarts in August instead of September. But I'll be coming back the week before school starts and we can take the train together." He said looking back up at her. "I don't want anything to change if I do become an assistant professor. I mean ... I won't be a student anymore .... but .... I don't want things to change." He said quietly. 

Somehow, Lily hadn't really thought about Severus having to leave a month early. It was somehow comforting, though, to know that they could still take the train to Hogwarts together. It seemed like a tradition by now.

Lily shook her head. "Severus, nothing's going to change because of that," she insisted firmly, as determined to reassure herself as him. "I know you'll have to be professional, but... we've known each other for years. A new job isn't going to change that."

Especially after she'd almost lost him before. He'd started to go down a dark path for a while, and it had frightened and infuriated her. So many times in the past year alone, she'd been on the verge of giving up on him. But now here they were, as close as ever. If they could get through that, why should Severus's new position suddenly change everything? 

"I know it's just .... I don't want to lose you .... for any reason." He said, his voice just as quiet as it had been since they started this conversation. "I know for a while I was planning on joining the Death Eaters, but it was for an entirely wrong reason. It wasn't because I support them in the least, I don't .... but ...." He paused knowing to her this probably was all random, but it needed to be talked about. "You don't know what it's like to be in Slytherin. It's not like Gryffindor where you all get along for the most part and can trust each other to some degree. In Slytherin, you walk into your common room and you have to watch your surroundings. You're constantly being watched, and pushed in a direction you don't want to go .... They will push me towards becoming a death eater even if I do become an assistant professor. If anything it may make them push more. And if I say no ..... then I could be placed in great danger." 

He said. "And this club we're sta- ... getting involved in won't be helping any. The next few years coming up are going to be very difficult .... Especially if we plan on defeating Voldemort .... But ... What I wanted to say, the reason I'm talking about this .... Is cause .... Well when I was walking down that path, I realized there was something far more important." 

Lily was quiet, looking at him steadily as he spoke. So, then. Her suspicions had been right, even if she'd never wanted to admit to herself that it could be true. He really had been planning to join the Death Eaters. She tried to keep her expression neutral as she took that information in. Severus was choosing to confide in her about it, and Lily wasn't going to judge him for it now. It didn't matter anymore. He'd come back from that, showing more strength of will than she'd ever known he had. And he'd put himself in danger to do it. She opened her mouth to argue about Gryffindor all 'getting along'... but stopped. Relatively speaking, it was true. Okay, so apparently her friends weren't talking to her anymore because they thought Severus was a bad influence... but as far as she knew, no one in Gryffindor went around threatening harm to people's friends or family. Slytherins would. And these days, many of them had the connections to carry their threats out.

And now, Severus was in a position where it would be all the more beneficial to the Death Eaters to manipulate him if they could. And his refusal could make him a prime target. Lily went pale at the idea of anything happening to Severus. She'd already been terrified when Severus had ended up in the Hospital Wing that year, and again when he'd shown up broken and bloody at her doorstep. She didn't think she could handle it if he... She forced herself to stop thinking about that. "And... what was it?" she asked quietly. "That was more important?" 

Severus sighed and looked away from her, his face turning a deep shade of red before he'd even said anything. Here it was. All cards are on the table. "You." He said simply, wondering just how she'd react. Probably slap him, or call him an idiot ... perhaps ignore the comment and go back to studying or .... or worse .... leave. 

Lily stared. She opened her mouth, trying to find the words to respond to that. "What?" she whispered.  
No, definitely not the words she was looking for. "Severus," she shook her head. "Me? That..." She looked away, trying to gather her thoughts. She'd expected him to say something about human lives, or fighting for what was right, or staying true to himself or... or not bowing to the whims of a genocidal maniac. Something worth fighting for. But no, apparently the reason for this noble turn-around, for pissing off all of Slytherin and actively working against Lord Voldemort was... her. A pang of guilt hit her like a stab in the chest. How could she possibly live up to that? What if Severus got hurt because of her? What if...

She looked up at him again, realization dawning. "Severus," she said quietly, trying to keep calm about this. "Your... um... Your feelings are a lot more... serious than you've let on. Aren't they." 

Severus closed his eyes before staring down at the ground again. Idiot ... all that effort and he just blew it out the window. "I .... I'm sorry I shouldn't have said anything." He said standing up and walking towards the door. He didn't want to sit here and watch her get flustered because he was stupid and thought that maybe, just maybe she'd feel the same way. He’d known since he was eight, when he saw her with her sister, before they'd even met, that he loved her. He was an idiot for thinking she'd feel the same way. After all .... who could love a greasy ugly bat? 

She'd handled that completely wrong, just because she hadn't known how to react, and now she'd gone and hurt him. That was the last thing she wanted. What if he walked out of the house completely, and stopped accepting her family's help? Or what if he stopped talking to her? After everything they'd been through, Lily would be damned if she was going to lose Severus over a stupid miscommunication.

"No, wait," Lily said hastily, standing up after him and taking hold of his hand before she knew what she was doing. She blushed, but didn't let go. "Just... just wait, okay? Don't leave." 

Severus froze in the door way when she grabbed onto his hand which hung loosely in her light grip. He didn't move, or speak .... Why was she stopping him? This was all so confusing. Why couldn't she just let him leave? At least it would be easier for them both that way. Lily wouldn't have to deal with this and he could be alone to lick his wounds. As he always had. 

Lily looked up at him. He didn't move, didn't say anything. At least he had stopped walking away. She took a deep breath, trying to organize her thoughts into something coherent.

"I'm sorry," she said gently. "It's just... a lot for me to wrap my head around right now. But it's okay if you feel that way. And... I really do care about you a lot, but I just... haven't figured out in what way yet. Which means I can't promise you anything. I wish I could but..." Her voice went quiet. "I don't want to lose you either." 

"I know." He whispered so quietly he wasn't even sure if she'd heard him. He gently pulled his hand from hers and made his way down the stairs. He slipped his shoes on, grabbed his coat, and started walking back towards his house. 

Lily reluctantly let Severus pull his hand away. When it came down to it, it wasn't as if she could stop him from leaving, and wasn't that his choice to make? A couple of times, she started to say something, but she didn't trust her voice when she was this upset, and she didn't have the right words to get him to stay anyway. There was nothing she could do but watch him walk away, leaving her alone in the silent house.

Severus probably just needed to be alone for awhile. He'd be back... wouldn't he?

She wanted to run after him. But what good would that do? Severus had made up his mind to walk away. She wanted to scream from sheer frustration, or kick something... She should have handled that better. But what could she have said? It wasn't as if she could just magically make herself feel a certain way, and Severus wouldn't want her to pressure herself into anything, or he wouldn't have kept his feelings to himself for this long. She should have known. She shouldn't have let him leave. What if something happened to him while he was out on his own? Knowing Severus's luck, it seemed inevitable. What if he didn't come back for days, and didn't take care of himself? What if... Lily realized she was pacing through the house.

This was stupid. Severus would be fine, and he would come back if and when he felt like it.


	27. A Necessary Talk

Chapter 27

Severus walked down the street, his hands shoved in his pockets. He didn't realize how long he'd walked for or where he was going. All he could think about was how stupid he was for saying anything. The next thing he knew he was in front of his own house. He sighed and moved to the front door, pushing it open he looked around the house. His father wasn't in his usual spot on the couch, and looked like he hadn't been for a while. He was more than likely still in jail though he didn't think he'd be there for much longer without a trial. 

He looked around the house and pulled his jacket off. He threw it over the stair bannister and walked into the kitchen. He saw his mother sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at the rotting wooden surface. He sat down at the other side of the table and watched her for a moment. She didn't look up at him, didn't even acknowledge his presence. 

He doubted she even noticed he was gone. 

\-------------------------------

Night had faded slowly, agonizingly, into morning, and still Severus had not returned, nor was there any word from him. Lily had been left to explain to her parents that he was gone, but had kept the reason to herself. She'd said only that he seemed upset. Mr. and Mrs. Evans were both worried sick. Petunia had merely seemed irritated that so much fuss was made over an ill-kempt hoodlum freak who wasn't their responsibility anyway, at which point Lily's temper had snapped, leading the two sisters to harsh words and slamming doors. That only made Lily feel all the more guilty, because all this arguing clearly upset their mum.

Still, Severus hadn't taken any of his books with him. So he couldn't mean to be gone for long, could he? It was possible that he'd gone home, which was no place for him to be, but at least his dad wasn't there. Still, the idea of Severus lingering around in a house he hated, as if in exile bothered Lily. She hadn't been able to sleep at all.

She felt awful. She hadn't done anything to make Severus feel so deeply for her. The possibility had never even occurred to her. Usually, if someone fancied her, whether Lily liked it or not, she noticed. So how could she have been so oblivious? And what could she do about it now? It seemed like she would end up hurting her best friend no matter what. Even if she did discover that her feelings for him might lean in that direction, it was all too new to her to feel as deeply as Severus did, so how could that possibly be fair to him? If she rushed in and dated him and it all fell apart, it would crush him. And if it turned out he was only her closest friend in the world... that would never be enough for him, and Lily would be constantly aware that she was disappointing him. He hadn't meant to pressure her, but knowing all of this, how could she not feel pressured? And there was no one she could go to for advice, because the only person who could possibly understand was... well... Severus.

She was interrupted from her thoughts by a tapping at her window. An owl looked at her impatiently, ruffling his feathers in annoyance. Quickly, Lily ran over and let the owl in, detaching a letter from its leg.

She frowned. It was from Potter.

Her first impulse was to throw it away without reading it... but it could be about the new organization. But... it had been addressed to her, not Severus... She sighed irritably and opened it. The letter read:

Dear Lily,

DO NOT THROW THIS AWAY WITHOUT READING IT ALL THE WAY THROUGH. Seriously. Don't, okay? I know you're thinking about it, but just hear me out. I know I've been a bit of an ass sometimes. Possibly most of the time. I wish I knew how to talk to you without making you cross at me. And I wish I could just follow your advice and go bother someone else. I've tried, really. But I just can't get you out of my head. You're probably rolling your eyes right about now, but it's true. You have beautiful eyes, you know that? Seriously, please DON'T throw this away yet. The letter's almost over. I was wondering if you'd be willing to go to Hogsmeade with me sometime? Just the two of us, and no showing off, I promise. Just give me one chance, that's all I'm asking. You don't have to answer now. Just think about it and let me know.

Yours,  
James Potter

"God damn it, Potter," Lily let out an exasperated sigh, shoving a hand back through her hair in frustration. Admittedly, the letter came off a lot less... insufferably arrogant than Potter usually seemed. Probably because he didn't have an audience. But this was the last thing she needed. She was still beside herself with worry over Severus, she hadn't slept, and she just couldn't deal with this right now. She shoved the letter aside, to remind her to try to compose a firm refusal later. Not that Potter ever listened. Then she left the room to go make a cup of tea, not noticing that the letter fell from her desk and dropped lightly into the middle of the floor. 

\------------------------

It was Sunday night before Severus returned to the Evans house. He had only stayed at his mothers for a few hours, both of them sitting in silence before he stood and left without a word from either of them. Neither of them knew what to say. He'd spent the last two nights in the park as he was used to, and when he returned to the Evans' home he looked pale and tired. His hands where shoved in his pockets as he walked slowly into the kitchen where they were all eating supper. 

"Oh good, the freak hobbled back with his tail between its legs." Petunia said, narrowing her eyes at Severus. He ignored her and looked at Lily. 

"Can I talk to you a minute?" He said quietly. 

"Petunia," Mrs. Evans said in a quiet warning voice. It would be a terrible thing, now that Severus had finally returned, for him to get it into his head that he wasn't welcome and walk out again. Especially looking as thin and pale as he did now. If he tried to leave again, she was putting her foot down. He wasn't going anywhere without at least sitting down and having a decent meal.

Mr. Evans looked up at Severus. The boy... no, man... looked like he'd been through a rough couple of days, but didn't seem to be hurt. There was nothing in his appearance, however, to indicate why he had left. Mr. Evans would have to question him about it in private later. If it didn't have something to do with this resistance Severus had been talking about, he would be getting a very stern lecture about worrying people who cared about him. Lily in particular had been moping about in a really concerning way.

Lily stood up immediately, fighting back the urge to go run up and hug him. She looked back at him, trying to figure out how he was feeling. "Yes," she nodded. "Of course."She walked out of the kitchen with him, anxiously wondering what he had to say. 

Severus followed Lily up to her room and closed the door behind them despite Mr. Evans constant reminders to keep it open. This discussion was to be private and that's all it would be ... a discussion. 

He stood against the door for a few moments, both of them standing in silent before Severus took a deep shuttering breath. "Look ... about what happened on Friday ...." He said quietly. "I'm sorry I said anything. I don't want to pressure you into anything, and it was wrong of me to put that on you ... I understand if you just want to be my friend, I'll respect that ... I'd rather be your friend then nothing at all." He said, thinking back to his last two years of school, watching her with Potter, watching her talk to everyone else but him. 

Lily looked up at Severus for a long moment, and shook her head. "It's not your fault," she said quietly. "You were just telling me how you felt. And... I don't know how to handle that right now, but you're not going to just stop mattering to me." She glanced away and said: "And I'm bloody well not going to stop being friends with you just for being honest with me." 

"No, but you'd stop being friends with me for a lot less ..." He whispered barely enough for her to hear him. "Still ..." He said at a regular volume. "I shouldn't have sprung that on you .... I lo ... I care about you too much to lose you and it might sound desperate of me, but if friendship is all you want ....then that's okay." He said, though he felt like it really wasn't. His entire chest hurt and it felt like his heart was collapsing ....but at least she was alive ... and she was still talking to him .... That at least was some comfort. 

Severus's whispered words stung. Where the hell had he gotten that idea? How could he even say that? And yet she could tell that he absolutely believed it. That hurt far more than the accusation itself. She had to blink away tears, which only made her angry with herself, with him, with everything.

After everything they'd been through together, after she finally had Severus back... there was absolutely nothing she could say that wouldn't hurt him.

"And it took you wandering off for two days to come to that conclusion?" she whispered, her voice shaking. "Right after telling me you're putting yourself in danger, you just walked off and disappeared for two days, and I didn't know where you were or if you were safe or... or..." She had to stop and take a deep breath. "I don't know what I want, but do you really think I care so little?" 

"During the summers no ..." He said quietly. "During the summers you’re my best friend as you were when we were kids but .... when we go back to school .... once you're surrounded by your other friends, I feel like I'm significantly more insignificant. Like when we’re spending time together and suddenly you take off just because your other friends show up ... I can't help how I feel and I know you have your rights to your own friends ... but I've seen you a few times when Potter's picking on me. I've seen you smirk .... And when that happens I can't help but wonder ... You know? I mean .... I know you're my friend but ....while we're at school it's almost like you become an entirely different person. And I know I was the same way ....but I'm not anymore. I'm Sev ....and I'll be Sev from now on .... But you can't really blame me for thinking that I'm losing you." 

Lily wanted to argue, but could she really deny what he was saying? Severus admitted he'd been the same way, but... she'd never realized that Severus had felt like she was the one pushing him away. She had gotten so used to Sev always being there for her, maybe she had taken it for granted that he always would be. That he had his life and she had hers, but even if they didn't always spend time together, they'd still always be friends. It wasn't until all of this Death Eater business that she'd realized something was really wrong.

"I... thought I was losing you," she said quietly. "I swear, this past couple of years, there were times when it was like I didn't even know who you were anymore, or who you were becoming, and it terrified me. But I've never thought of you as insignificant. Never."

She couldn't keep back the tears anymore, which made her feel like a complete idiot. "And you felt that way all along? Why didn't you ever just tell me?" 

Severus shrugged. "Because I didn't think you'd care ... You are who you are, and it's who you're going to be ... I doubted what I said would make any difference. Besides .... I was surprised you wanted to be my friend in the first place. You're my first and only friend, I don't exactly have the highest opinion of the value of my life. I mean my parents didn't even want me, never liked me ....why would I expect anyone else too?" He said stepping away from the door. "I just .... I want us to be able to move past this .... I don't want to fight with you ... and I don't want to lose your friendship .... You're my best friend Lily, and if that means I have to turn against my entire house, then so be it. I'm not going down that path anymore. I've lost too much in the past, I'm not losing you too." He said, though she had no idea just how much he'd lost. 

It shocked her, somehow, that Severus could have so little sense of self-worth. Intellectually, he was nothing short of brilliant, and when he was interested in something, he pursued it with an uncommonly intense determination that made Lily believe he could do anything. But then, who had ever told him that? If no one encouraged him at home, if social interactions were really that volatile in Slytherin, and if even she had neglected him in favor of her other friends... what was he supposed to think of himself? And Lily was just as much at fault for it as anyone else.

"You won't lose me," she said, her voice firm and determined. "And if I ever make you feel unimportant again, you call me out on it. Don't let me..." She gave up on words and just stepped forward and hugged him, wrapping her arms tight around his thin form. "I'm sorry," she whispered. 

Severus froze as she wrapped her arms around him. He didn't know how to react. It wasn't often that Lily hugged him, or ... come to think of it even make contact with him. He held his hands awkwardly behind her as he looked down at her before he tried to relax and hug her back, hoping to anyone who would listen that his body didn't react in any way shape or form that he didn't want it to. He cleared his throat awkwardly as she hugged him. 

"Um ... it's ..... okay?" He asked more than said, more confused by the situation than anything. 

Actually, hugging Sev was... kind of nice. Maybe it was just because she'd been so worried about him, or because she just hadn't really thought about it before. Though, in a way she couldn't explain, they did seem to sort of... fit together. 

Given the context, though, it was kind of an awkward thing to do.

"Um, sorry," her face reddened, and she started to draw away. "I'm not trying to give off mixed signals or anything. Just... don't worry about losing me, alright? It's not going to happen. None of my friends in Gryffindor are talking to me anyway." 

Severus looked down at the ground, moving his tongue between his teeth inside his mouth. "Sorry ...." He said quietly. He knew that her friends not talking to her was his fault. His own house was against him and in addition to that, her own house mates where turning on her. 

Lily shook her head. "It's not your fault people are idiots," she said. "Anyway, it's nothing compared to what you're dealing with in Slytherin."

She shouldn't have even mentioned it. Severus was bound to make himself feel needlessly guilty. She really needed to think more carefully about what she said.

"Anyway," she said, changing the topic, and looking up at him in concern. "Are you going to be alright? Mum's going to insist on feeding you, and I'm inclined to agree with her. You really ought to take better care of yourself." 

"Sorry." He said for what felt like the hundredth time since they entered the room. "I just needed some time to think. Get myself back together .... Why don't you head down stairs. Give me a few minutes and I'll be down to face your parents. I have a feeling I'm in for a lengthy lecture." 

Lily nodded. "Alright," she said, and headed for the door.

Severus was probably right; with as worried as Lily's parents had been, they were bound to have a few choice words for him. Frankly, she'd been half inclined to lecture him herself, but the last thing she wanted to do was drive him away again.

She paused before leaving the room and said quietly: "I'm glad you're back, Sev."

Then she went downstairs, leaving Severus to think. 

Severus collapsed on the floor by her bed and sighed. That had gone much better than he had anticipated but he still had to deal with her parents. He sat there for a few minutes before he moved to stand. He paused when he saw a piece of parchment under Lilys dresser. 

He knew he shouldn't snoop, but it was just in Severus' nature. He couldn't help himself as he pulled the paper out from under the dresser. He read it, his mouth contorting into a sneer. It was from Potter. 

By the looks of it he was asking her out and she hadn't thrown the letter away. In fact she hid it. 

Severus raised it in his hands, crumpling it just slightly as he prepared to rip it. He paused and looked at the letter again. He smoothed it out and sighed.

No, he said he'd respect her decision .... Didn't mean he had to like it, but .... Severus groaned as he threw the letter back under the dresser and made his way back downstairs feeling more disgruntled than he had before talking to Lily. 

Before Severus returned downstairs, Lily made an effort to smooth things over a little with her parents, telling them that Severus was alright, and that he hadn't realized how much he was worrying everyone, and that Lily thought the exam stress might have been getting to him, and he'd just needed to get away to think. She knew that wouldn't be enough to satisfy either of her parents, not after her mum had spent the past two nights fretting, and dad had actually at one point gone out looking for him. But it might make things a little easier on him when the lecture came.

By the time Severus reached the kitchen, a plate had been set out for him with generous portions. Through some private language of their own, Mr. and Mrs. Evans seemed to have formed an unspoken agreement that they should feed Severus first and scold him later. 

Severus came in and sat quietly at the table. There was no way he'd be able to eat this much food. He started eating quietly as Petunia threw her fork on the table and walked out of the kitchen without excusing herself. Severus ignored her as she left the room. It wasn't long later before he couldn't eat any further. After not eating for almost three days he knew his limit. If he ate anymore there was a strong chance he'd make himself sick. 

"Thank you for supper." He said quietly. 

The silence that filled the kitchen was oppressive, with no sound save for that of the quiet clanking of utensils, then the scrape of Petunia's chair and clatter of her fork and knife on the table. If Petunia was going to be rude and irritable, at least this time she kept her usual caustic remarks to herself. Finally, Severus broke the silence.

"It's no trouble," Mrs. Evans insisted and looked at him across the table. "You're always welcome here."

Mr. Evans stood up. "Severus, I'd like a word with you," he said, and headed into the living room, knowing Severus would follow. 

Severus refrained from sighing and rolling his eyes as he stood up and followed Mr. Evan's into the living room. He spoke quietly so that the girls could not hear him. "Is this a conversation we should be having here?" He asked, wondering which of the various topics this could be about. 

Mr. Evans considered that for a moment.

"Perhaps not," he said. Really, it depended entirely on why Severus had been gone. If it had something to do with the resistance against Lord Voldemort, then the conversation might turn toward Severus's future memories. It would be best to avoid being overheard if that happened... and could be utterly disastrous if Petunia were snooping around, as she so often did.

And he could understand if Severus was embarrassed about being lectured like this in the first place when he had been a grown man. "We can take a walk, if you like," he said evenly. "But I want to know why you left." 

Severus sighed and moved from the living room to the front door and slipped his jacket on before putting his shoes on, waiting for Mr. Evans to do the same. He went out the front door and waited for Mr. Evans to follow him. 

Mr. Evans too put on his shoes and jacket, and then wordlessly accompanied Severus out the door. He let Severus decide on the direction to take as they walked along. Mr. Evans said nothing else for the moment, but waited for Severus to answer his question. 

"I went to see my mother." He said though they both knew that's not where he'd been the entire time. "I just needed time to get my head together .... think through some things. There's so much going on right now, I needed to sort everything out. Besides, it's not like I really have to study." 

"Okay," Mr. Evans said evenly. He didn't really need a more detailed answer; Severus had gotten it across that he had left for personal reasons. He looked steadily at Severus. "So there was no life-or-death reason why you couldn't let us know where you were going, or how long you were going to be away?" 

Severus chanced a glance at him. "Not really no .... except a lack of phone." He said. To be honest he didn't feel life facing anything and just wanted to be left alone for a few days. Entirely and utterly alone. Not like he hadn't spent the majority of the year previous to his 'death' alone, but with it all starting again he hadn't really had a chance to breath. 

"But you could have found a way to let us know," Mr. Evans insisted. "I suppose Lily gave you some indication of how worried she was... But it was an entirely different matter watching her mope and pace around the house like that." Not to mention his own anxiety, knowing that Lily and Severus had been close for so many years, and that she would take it extremely badly if something were to happen to him.  
"And Heather, wondering if you'd gotten hurt again, if you were somewhere with a roof over your head, if you were looking after yourself properly..." He gave Severus a pointed look; it seemed fairly obvious that, by the standards of anyone who cared about him, Severus hadn't been looking after himself at all.  
"And..." he took a deep breath and let his eyes lower to the pavement in front of him. "Knowing what I know, about the dangers you could be facing, and not being able to do anything about it... Can you try to picture what that's been like?" 

"Can you also try to picture the fact that I'm technically a thirty eight year old man being fretted over by someone who's only slightly older than I am ..." He said looking at him. "You seem to forget the fact that I've spent the last twenty five years taking care of myself. Danger or not, I know more magic than anyone my actual age never mind someone barely sixteen. I'm not a child, and I'd appreciate it if you kept that in mind." He said as they walked along, making sure to keep his voice down. There was a slim chance anyone was listening, and with his voice so low he doubted anyone other than Mr. Evans could hear him. "I can't use magic against my father, because he's a muggle and I'm technically under age. The ministry would not consider my father an actual danger ... not enough to admit the use of magic.But if something where to happen with another Wizard, that would be a different story entirely."

He looked at Mr. Evans. "You seem to think this is all going to happen so suddenly. I promise you it won't. I'm in no immediate danger at the present moment. It will happen gradually as the next few years go by. Once I get back to school the students who support the death eaters will try to push me in their direction. If I'm to become an assistant professor, then they will push even harder. Once they realize that I'm not cooperating and pushing back, that's when the danger will start. It will be subtle at first, and increase more and more each year until Voldemort is defeated, possibly a little longer until all the death eaters are ... contained. It can't be helped. Even if I stood back, I've gotten myself too far in to just stand aside and be ignored. But at the present moment, Lily and I are safe. I can't guarantee you about my safety in the long run ... but I can promise you I'd die before I let Lily get hurt." He said leaving out the word 'again'. It was unnecessary. 

"I think," Mr. Evans said, forcing an even tone. "That we're getting a little off-topic here. Even if Death Eaters aren't about to spring out of the hedgerows and attack at any point in the near future... that still doesn't change the fact that we didn't know where you were. And I am well aware that you are older than you appear."

That in itself was an entirely separate cause for anxiety. A grown man's life experience combined with a teenager's hormones and emotions. It was a father's worst nightmare.

"This isn't because you happen to be a teenager at the moment. The same applies no matter how old you are. Do you think Heather or I go off without letting each other know where, or at least when we mean to be back? That's just common consideration. And that's just to keep each other from worrying about the unexpected dangers of ordinary, day-to-day existence. Never mind the mess this world is about to become."

He sighed. "I... get the impression that your adult life has been rather... solitary. So this may not be a habit that comes naturally. But when people care about you, you have to learn to let them know you're alright. " 

"Yeah, well ... a couple more weeks and you won't have to worry about it at all right?" He asked pausing at the corner and turning back towards the house. "I'll be a permanent resident at Hogwarts. I'm not likely to go anywhere other than Hogwarts between now and August anyway. I have my exam on Monday running to Friday. They'll be marked with the other exams by the following week and I'll know just before the 1st if I've passed and am accepted at Hogwarts on a staff position ... So you don't have cause to worry about me. Really, I've been through a lot worse than a few days in the park, you have no idea what I lived through before .... It would be Gods sure humour if 'day-to-day existence' finally did me in." 

Mr. Evans winced. So Severus really had been sleeping in the park. Heather would be beside herself if she found out. "Nonetheless," he said firmly. "While you're here, you tell someone before you go off like that. And you most certainly don't sleep on a park bench. But even when you're elsewhere... try to keep in mind that there are still people to whom your life and wellbeing matter. Take care of yourself accordingly... or there will be even more irritating lectures in your future." 

Severus rolled his eyes. "Tell me .... if I looked my actual age, would you be lecturing me just the same?" He asked as they neared the house again. "I'll tell you where I'm going .... Mainly because you already know anywhere I'm going. Tomorrow my exams start ..." He paused and glanced over at Mr. Evans as he walked up the stairs. "And I'll keep that in mind." He said quietly.

((A/N – aaaaaaand another chapter, please leave a review, as always we’re a couple of review whores. We love it. So keep em coming, and hope you enjoy))


	28. Unorthodox Methods

Chapter 28

James had gotten a message to go practice with Snape, and was now leaning against a wall in the Room of Requirement, waiting for him to finish with the last of his exams in Dumbledore's office. Frankly, he wasn't at all looking forward to dealing with Assistant-Professor Snivellus next term. Maybe he could be trusted with the big, important things, but James didn't put it past the greasy bat to take a little revenge where he could get it. For that matter, he couldn't help but wonder whether Snape had seen Lily Evans over the summer. She never had replied to that letter. Anyway, he'd drive himself mental thinking about that. This was a time to hone his skills. If Snivellus could be mature, then by Merlin, James sure as hell wasn't going to let himself be anything less.

He'd had to make up the most dry, boring-sounding reasons possible why he was needed at Hogwarts. Sirius had been staying at his house, ever since the Noble House of Black reached maximum intolerability. Right now, Sirius was off with Remus, no doubt being his usual ridiculous self. James wondered how long he could keep a secret from Sirius without causing more tension. He'd never kept anything from Sirius in his life, no matter how embarrassing or incriminating. Sure, Remus could help to smooth things over, but... contrary to the impression Sirius often gave, he wasn't an idiot. He'd figure out that they were keeping something from him eventually. And if he didn't understand why, he'd be offended. Then there was Pettigrew... James sighed. Everything had been so much simpler a few months ago. It seemed like ever since Sirius had pulled that reckless stunt about the Whomping Willow, James just couldn't look at anything quite the same way. 

Severus came into the room of requirement, his fingers stained with ink, his muggle clothes looking odd in the Wizard School castle. "Potter." He greeted, closing the door behind him. He wanted so badly to wipe the floor with him, after reading that letter. "Nice to see that you're punctual for once. Can't say the same for you son ..." He said moving to the middle of the room. "Okay, so let’s face it .... I haven't dueled you in earnest in about twenty years ....let’s see what you got." He said pulling his wand out. 

James nodded civilly at Snape's greeting, and moved toward the center of the room. He shrugged. "Hey, it's not like I'm the one who raised him." Even knowing what he knew, the idea of his death a few years down the road seemed far off and unreal. It was only unsettling when he stopped to think about it. Better to just brush it off and move on.

He drew his wand, not taking his eyes off Snape for a second. There was no telling what this future war-veteran Snape with decades of experience on him had up his sleeve. 

"No, you didn't ... but I'm sure if you did he would have turned out a whole lot worse." He said, not bothering to raise up his wand. He wondered how long it would take for Potter to become pissed off. This would be his first lesson. Control. He knew Potter had a wicked temper, and it impeded his actions. Harry was no different. Snape would have to teach James in order for him to teach an entire class. 

"Oh really, now?" James rolled his eyes. "I didn't realize you were an expert in parenting. You know that for a fact, do you?" Was Snape trying to get to him? Or maybe catch him off guard with a hex in the middle of conversation? James kept his focus on Snape. At the moment, he wasn't more than a little irritated. 

"I may not have had my own children, but I was sure as hell more involved in your sons life than you were." He said with a smirk. "Perhaps had I been smarter, I should have taken him under my wing. Really influenced his life ... Been the father you weren't." He said his smirk never wavering. "You know, the first time he came into my class, he was just roaring to impress me ... Sat right at the front, wrote down every single thing I said." He said remembering back to tearing The boy who lived down after that. Come on Potter ....take the bait. 

"I bet you had I given him an ounce of positive attention he would have been eating out of the palm of my hand." He said his smirk widening into a grin. "I think I could have been a wonderful father, don't you?" 

"Impedimenta!" James shouted, and even as he cast the spell, lunged forward in an unthinking fury, with every intention of punching Snape in his greasy, hook-nosed face. All thoughts of 'maturity' and 'focus' went completely out the window. 

Severus barely moved, seemingly the jynx worked. Key word, seemingly. Severus didn't move and waited for Potters next move. Pitiful ... such a weak hex, he didn't even think he'd have had to block it as he had. Is that really all you got Potter? He thought to himself, knowing full well the boy could do much better than that. Just before the boys fist connected with his over large nose, Severus moved, his hand snaking past James' arm, a small burst of light blue light dusted through the air. Severus never made physical contact with James, but he knew it would be enough, and he smirked as he heard the clatter of wood hit the ground. 

James hadn't even noticed Snape blocking his attack, and was completely unprepared for the sudden movement. Before he even had time to react, there was a burst of blue light, and his hand... did something. In an instant, there was this bizarre sensation in his hand, like a lump under his skin, and his fingers spasmed of their own accord, losing their grip on his wand, which clattered uselessly to the floor.

What the hell had Snape just done? He'd never even seen anything like that. Quickly, he went for his wand. His hand seemed to be working just fine now... Whatever Snape had done, it had been in pretty close range, so he moved back warily. Of course, there was no guarantee that the same strange attack wouldn't work just as well from a distance. He had no idea what he was dealing with. Embarrassed and angry, James retaliated with a disarming spell.

Snape allowed his wand to be pulled from his hand and heard it clatter across the floor. He paid it no mind as he stood before James, walking slowly around the angered boy. "Is that all you got? Please, your son dueled better in his second year than you do." He said knowing the man’s anger fueled him right now. Good. Snape would teach him a good lesson in humility and control and then they'd actually be able to start seriously tomorrow morning before his next exam. 

"Come at me again Potter." He said teasingly. "Let’s see what your puny magic can do." 

Really? Was Snape so fixated on being insulting that he wouldn't even bother to pick up his damn wand? And yet people said James was arrogant! Whatever Snape had up his sleeve, he wouldn't be able to accomplish much if he couldn't move. Then he'd be the one feeling stupid. James threw a Petrificus Totalus Snape's way, followed up quickly by a Confundus and a somewhat mean-spirited Furnunculus. Snape may have brushed James's first attack off like it was nothing, but he could only block so quickly. 

Severus moved forward using wandless magic to block the first two spells as he ran forward, spinning to dodge the last one. When he finished the spin he crouched down low on the ground and lunged at James, swiping once, twice, thrice, four times, each swipe of his hand in a different spot, blue flashes of light fading in and out. But snape never once touched James. 

Wandless magic? Wordless wandless magic? When the hell had Snape learned to perfect that? Stupid question, really, but the shock was still there. And damn could Snivellus move fast! James tried to move back as Snape lunged for him, but that weird feeling that had affected his hand earlier hit him again and again just the same; apparently Snape didn't need to actually touch him for this technique to work. Now, while Snape was too busy doing... whatever the hell he was doing... to block, James once again tried a PetrificusTotalus... but the spell came out pathetically weak, as if something was blocking his magic.

James glared at Snape and tried again. God damn it, he didn't care how many years ahead in experience the bastard might be, James was not going to lose this easily to Snivellus!

Severus didn't stop. He kept moving gracefully around James almost as if he were dancing. His technique was sloppy but effective. He swiped an additional thirty two times. "If you want me to stop Potter I suggest you figure out what I'm even doing to you." He said swiping out five more times. "Consider this lesson one." 

Any attempt at magic now was ineffective, and getting out of range was impossible; it wasn't just his magic that was weakening. A couple of times, James gave up and tried to just hit him, but that was even more pathetic. With every swipe, James's movements grew slower, weaker, less coordinated, as if he were in an advanced stage of exhaustion. It was an effort now to even stand up. 

"You smug bastard," James snarled, frustration and wounded pride starting to mingle with worry. There was just no defense against what Snape was doing. As disturbing an idea as it was, this was completely beyond James's experience level. 

"I'll give you props for still standing Potter .... But you won't be able to for much longer ... Tell me what I'm doing Potter. Even your son would have been able to figure it out by now." He said walking around him, honestly surprised James was even still holding his wand. 

At this point, James was only able to keep upright out of sheer stubborn determination not to collapse in front of Snape. He gritted his teeth in frustration and embarrassment. At least no one else was here to see this.

"Clearly," said, annoyed. "You're doing something to block my magic." 

Severus continued to walk around him slowly, his wand still on the ground across the room. "How am I blocking your magic Potter? As we all know, blocking someone's magic is impossible."

"Well apparently you bloody well can," James snapped. He was having to focus all of his effort just to stay standing; trying to puzzle out an entirely foreign and impossible form of magic was a little beyond him at the moment. No doubt Snivellus was just loving this, circling around like some melodramatic vulture, able to strike again at any moment and there wasn't a damn thing James could do about it...

"Okay," James forced himself to think. "Not blocking, then. So... my magic is still there, it's just... diverted somehow from its usual course so I can't use it?" 

"A bit more accurate." He said pausing behind Potter. "Lay down .... Rest .... We'll pick it up again once you've recovered ..." He said knowing it won't take more than an hour for James to recover from his attacks. 

It was at that point that James just couldn't stay upright any longer. His legs gave way under him, and he collapsed to the floor. He cursed under his breath. Any feeble attempt at getting back up would just end up looking pathetic, and would take more effort than it was worth. Right now, the humiliation he felt at showing such weakness was outweighed by sheer exhaustion. 

"Fine," he muttered. "I'll just do that then." There would be no way to live this down when dealing with Snape afterwards. At least no one else would ever know. 

Severus sat down against a pillar in the room. It was a few minutes before he spoke. "Look ... I'm not doing this to humiliate you, so you can get that snarl off your face. I am not a school boy Potter, I haven't been in a long time. I am a school teacher, and I am teaching you. So when I call you arrogant, big headed and easy to anger, it's not an attack on you! It's to teach you ... You will never improve your faults if you don't acknowledge what those faults are!" 

He stared at Potter. "If I wanted to do any real damage to you I'd have done it a long time ago." 

That last part at least was true. Something in Snape's tone and his stare made James more than sure of it. In fact, if Snape really wanted to do some real damage, now would have been a perfect opportunity. It wasn't like there was anything James could do to defend himself. Somehow, that almost made things worse. He was pathetically helpless because Snape was the better duelist, and completely safe because Snape had the gall to act like the better man. James was quiet for a long moment.

"And no one knows my faults like you, right?" He rolled his eyes. "I get it. You're just making a point. But don't pretend you don't get at least a little satisfaction from being so superior." 

"I get no pleasure in being superior to anyone. I was thrust into that position by Dumbledore himself, and I couldn't have hated it more." He said thinking back to being Headmaster of Hogwarts. "I'm not a leader nor do I enjoy being in control or 'superior' as you put it. I'm more of a follower who appreciates the occasional 'thank you' ... I don't get pleasure by being above someone .... Especially someone who is on the same side I am on." He said watching James lay on the floor. "You think you may know me, but you don't ... You've made assumptions about me due to my house, but that's all they are ... Assumptions. I won't claim to be a nice person because I'm not ... I'm a down right bully when I want to be .... But that does not mean I think myself above anyone else ..." 

He paused and thought about if he should continue. "To be rather honest Potter ... I grew up with abusive parents who neglected me, and the only friend I have is Lily, who up until I came back here thought rather low of me and the path I was following .... I had no one to raise up my confidence or tell me I was doing good. No one who gave a shit about my accomplishments, what I did .... Whether I lived or died so to be honest, I have a rather low opinion of my self-worth .... Think me still superior?" 

James stared. "Oh come on," he said. "You put on airs just like anyone else in Slytherin. I've seen you sneer and scheme as well as any of them. Evans may have been an exception to you, but I've seen you laugh when your Slytherin compatriots put some Muggle-born in their place. And you still started following that same path, whatever your reasons. Now tell me, exactly what other assumption could I possibly make? And if you came from such an abusive home, then why the hell would you be telling me?"

Working together to bring down Voldemort was one thing. But after their history together, James sincerely doubted that Snape would suddenly start confiding traumatic personal information to him now. 

Snape looked up at him. "What? You don't believe me?" He asked, knowing that Potter wouldn't. He'd love to see the stricken look on Potters face when he proved him otherwise. 

"Of course not!" James snapped, angry now. "I've known people who come from that kind of home life, and not a single one of them would confide that to just anyone, let alone someone they've hated for years! I don't know what kind of game you're trying to play here, but no, I don't believe you." 

“You don’t believe me?” Snape asked, his eyebrows raised. 

“Did I stutter?” James asked clearly annoyed. 

Severus stood and pulled the top few buttons of his shirt open and pulled the white material over his head, showing Potter the various scars all over his body. He spun around slowly, his arms out to the sides. 

"So I suppose I'm just a klutz then huh?" He asked. He moved closer to Potter and turned his back on him. "I suppose every single one of those belt lash scars is a lie hmm?" He asked. "Wanna know how I got em?" He asked though he started to tell him before Potter could reply. "The lightest ones I got when I was three, you know what I did to deserve them? I didn't get my father a beer from the fridge fast enough cause I wasn't tall enough to reach the handle. The second I got when I was four ... He decided it would be a good idea to teach me how to play football .... He kept hitting me in the face with the ball over and over until I used accidental magic and made his autographed ball explode. He beat me for that despite the fact that the ball broke my nose and he kept kicking it at me anyway .... My nose isn't hooked due to genetics. The next was because my father didn't pay the electricity bill so the power was turned off. He had nothing but warm beer so he decided to blame me for it. I was five. The next I argued with him that I wanted to go to Hogwarts instead of a 'Decent normal school' like he wanted me too!" 

He turned around. "This I got when he decided to shove me through our stair bannister .... But hey, that was my fault as well, so he beat me for that too ....." He said his face red with anger. He pointed to his arm where there was a white round scar. "How about this? Looks awfully like a cigar burn doesn't it? See this is what you get in the Snape house hold for spilling paint in the back yard .... Did ... I .... Stutter?" He asked using wandless magic to pull his wand into his hand. 

James stared in speechless shock. Snape had heavy scarring everywhere, some of it old and faded and some... not. James winced when Snape told him the age he'd been when he received each scar. James went pale by the time Snape got to his nose. How many times had James and his friends thoughtlessly mocked Snape's nose? Worse, James himself had repeatedly ridiculed that feature in public. James had started to realize lately that he'd been a bit of an asshole, but confronted with this information, he felt like a complete monster.

It began to sink in that, with a father that violent, and from that early on, Snape was lucky to be alive.

Other details began to dawn on him, through the initial shock. Fridge? Football? Electricity bill? James's eyes widened. Snape's dad was a Muggle. And probably a poor one at that. How had that never occurred to him? James had always assumed Snape came from some particularly snobbish, ancient, mansion-dwelling pureblood family. His affinity for the Dark Arts and his apparent loathing of... well... everything... had always seemed to support that. Even Sirius had thought that, and he knew the type better than anyone. But then, James had heard that non-pureblood Slytherins always pretended otherwise, to keep up appearances. Sirius had mentioned that his mother was always gossiping vindictively about which families' blood wasn't as pure as they let on. It only made sense, then, that someone like Snape would conform to the Slytherin image. No wonder Snape was always so bitter toward everyone and everything.

"I..." James stammered, not wanting to look anymore at Snape and his scars, but unable to make himself look away. "I never thought..."

He looked on uneasily as a clearly furious Snape wordlessly summoned his wand. 

"Of course you never thought ... As you said, why would I tell you? Not even Lily knew until this summer when I showed up on her door step near death. I spent a week in the hospital over the summer ... And think how much worse that is when you KNOW you can stop him but due a technicality of my current age I couldn't do shit about it ...." He said furiously. 

"You're becoming a leader Potter! It is now your job to think .... Everyone's actions and reasons have purpose. The way they walk, the way they talk, the way they sit, the way they hold a fork and knife, shift their eyes, gesture, even how they sleep has purpose. You are a child by law but you are no longer a child in this war ... You are going to be playing a part just as large as I am .... And ready or not I will teach you how to be that leader!" He said pulling his shirt back on. 

James looked away, ashamed. He wouldn't have wished that kind of life on anyone, even... well... Snape. He understood now why Snape was telling him this. Once again, he was making an important point. And James wouldn't be able to brush this off, ignore it, or forget it. He wished that he could. What Snape had just said terrified him. James had thought of himself as good leadership material, but he'd been so damned self-absorbed that it had severely impaired his ability to read people. And with disastrous consequences. That wasn't even taking Pettigrew into account. If James just continued to act on his first assumptions, he was going to get everyone killed.

"I get it," he said quietly. "I'm an asshole and I have a lot to learn." 

"No .... You're young ... And you have a lot to learn. You have done nothing different than what any other child, including myself, has done." He said. "Now ... Get your lazy ass off the floor and let's do this again." He said holding his wand before him. 

"Right," James said, relieved that this conversation was over. He was also glad that he didn't have to apologize. Not only would it be awkward after all of these years, but he didn't think mere words would mean much to Snape anyway. And he still didn't like the bastard. Even if he did grudgingly respect him.  
He picked up his wand and got to his feet, a little stiff, but otherwise recovered.

"So," he said. "How the hell did you do that, anyway?" 

Severus paused. "Are you really looking for a verbal lesson Potter? I thought you were more of a 'learn the hard way' type of guy." Severus joked as the room of requirement produced a chalk board nearby indicating James was seriously curious as to how he'd done it. 

"Oh, don't start having a sense of humor now," James said. "My worldview's been challenged enough for one day."

For one thing, he was disturbingly close to thinking of Snape as a human being. And there was just no going back from that.

He gestured to the chalkboard. "You're the teacher here. Teach away." 

Severus used his wand to pull up a piece of chalk and used his magic to create the form of a person on the chalk board. He created a bunch of dots on the person spanning throughout the body. "What these points here, are Chakra points. Chakra is essential to even the most basic technique; it is the moulding of the physical energy present in every cell of the body and the spiritual energy gained from exercise and experience. Once moulded, it can be channelled through the chakra circulatory system, which is to chakra as the regular circulatory system is to blood, to any of the 361 chakra points in the body. Through various methods, the most common of which is hand seals, which is why we channel magic through our wands, it's held in our hand, the chakra can then be controlled and manipulated to create an effect that would not be possible otherwise, such as walking on water, exhaling fire or creating illusions." 

"By moulding different ratios of the two energies, new colours and much stronger types of chakra can be formed. Most wizards have a natural affinity to one type of chakra, for example, mine is Water, but they have the capacity to create elemental chakra apart from their own affinity. There are five basic types, each stronger and weaker to another, but their relations, weaknesses, and strengths to each other are all explored. In addition to these five elements, certain wizards can mix elemental chakra to form new natures, for example it is possible to mix water and wind into ice. While many wizards can use more than one type of chakra, very few are able to use them simultaneously." 

James crossed his arms, looking from the diagram on the board to Snape. What Snape was telling him seemed more like magic theory than spellwork, but as Snape had already demonstrated, it clearly had a direct practical application.

"That makes sense," he said, nodding. "So, basically you did something to my Chakra points that messed with the Chakra circulatory system? Also, why have I never heard of this before? It seems like it could be kind of useful to know." 

"Not a lot of wizards even know about it. It's mostly studied in Asian wizarding schools where they don't even use wands. What I was doing to you was sloppy at best ... but effective. I was focusing my chakra into your body, essentially over loading your chakra points and causing them to collapse temporarily. It stops the flow of chakra. I had missed quite a bit, because I don't know where your chakra points are. They are different for each person. So I had used up a lot more of my own chakra to do what little damage I did to you. With what I did to you, I had maybe two or three more spells left in me before I'd have to rest. Which is why I called a break ... it wasn't only for you. 

"It is effective ... but it's also very tiring because you're not only stopping their chakra, but you're depleting your own as well. If I learned what they call 'white eyes', then I would be able to effectively see your chakra points and target them specifically using up less of my chakra." 

It was somewhat comforting to know that Snape had actually expended significant energy in wiping the floor with him. From James's perspective, it had all looked far too easy. "So, what you did might not be the best idea in a situation where you're outnumbered," James pondered. "But you still incapacitated me pretty damn effectively, and in a way most wizards would be completely unprepared for." And therefore just as unable to defend against as James had been.

He frowned. "Are you studying this 'white eyes' technique?" From the sound of it, someone who could do that would be virtually unstoppable. Imagining Snape with that ability was borderline terrifying. It was a good thing he was on their side.

"But I take it you weren't just stabbing in the dark, though?" James asked. "Are there some general areas that tend to contain chakra points on most people?" 

"I was taking a stab in the dark yes." He said. "I don't know where your chakra points are, but there are enough of them that I can pretty much hit one by thrusting my chakra into your body. Though there's no guarantee to hit." He said. "chakra takes time and a great deal of training to gradually build up. Thus, the key is not actually having chakra, but being able to sufficiently control and conserve it. Everyone has chakra, even muggles, but only skilled wizard can correctly "mould" and "manipulate" it to its fullest extent.

“Moulding chakra involves the extraction of energies from both the body's cells and the mind's consciousness, then mixing them together within the individual. The amount of each energy will differ based on the type of technique the wizard wishes to execute. In other words, a wizard could create too much or too little chakra for a given technique, resulting in the chakra being used inefficiently. In addition, even if a wizard is able to mould the correct amount of chakra, if they cannot manipulate the chakra properly, the desired technique will not be as effective or will not execute at all. Wasting energy will also create weaknesses like early exhaustion, which would hinder the wizard's capacity to fight long-term battles. Would you like to see a demonstration?" 

"Alright," said James, somewhat apprehensively. After all, Snape's last 'demonstration' had ended with James collapsed on the floor. But this was all getting a little bit abstract, and another practical example would be helpful. And he had to admit Snape seemed to know what he was doing. 

The room developed a test dummy. "I'll show you uncontrolled magic, which is what you are used to seeing, and then I will show you controlled." He said as he stood about ten feet away from it. "I'll use a favourite of your sons." He said holding his wand out and aiming at the dummy. "Expelliarmus!" He said loudly. Gold magic formed around his hand went up his arm and exploded forward and hit the dummy straight in the chest knocking it back. "Did you see the gold chakra from the spell I just used. That's excess chakra was not necessary to use, but most people don't know how to control that and in fact think it's normal." 

He raised his wand, and said nothing. He closed his eyes a moment before he looked straight at the dummy. He barely moved his arm at all, but nothing seemed to project from his wand before the dummy was thrown back. "That, was a controlled spell, which can also be used without a wand in the same fashion." 

James's eyes widened. Not only was it, according to Snape, a better and more efficient use of magic... but there was no visible colored chakra to indicate what sort of spell he was using, or when it was about to hit. And if used wordlessly, with minimal movement the way Snape had just done... an opponent wouldn't know what hit them until it was too late.

"I can see how that would give you a significant edge," he said. "But how do you go about controlling the amount of chakra used?" 

"It is something you learn through experience, and won't be something you learn for quite a few years yet, if at all. But it is possible. Not all spells work like that though. Some are quite flashy even with minimal Chakra use. You can also focus your chakra into various parts of your body, not just your hand and wand ... Which is what I'll be teaching you how to do over the next few days. For example ...." Severus moved to a pillar in the room, and formed his hands into a series of patterns before the bottoms of his feet glowed a bright blue colour. Severus looked up at the pillar and put one foot onto the pillar, still focusing on his chakra. He slowly began to walk up the pillar, his feet sticking to the wall. 

James stared. "Okay," he admitted. "That's just flat-out impressive." Almost impressive enough to make him forget who he was talking to. "I take it there are combat applications for that as well?" 

Snape, who was walking up the pillar with his hands in his pockets looked at him and did a back flip off the pillar, landing on the floor on his feet, which despite it being so high up, he seemed to land with little to no pain. "There is." He said though he didn't elaborate on it. "I wasn't going to start this until tomorrow, but it's still pretty early. Are you up for learning a new technique?" He asked. 

James raised an eyebrow. Now Snape was just showing off... not that James really had room to talk.  
"Yes," James answered, perhaps a little too quickly to conceal his excitement. But really, who wouldn't be eager to learn a skill like that? 

"Pay attention, I'm only showing you this once." He said. He showed him the hand sign, which was really just three different hand formations. "Do that, it helps channel the type of chakra you need, once you feel it building in your chest, focus it down into your feet." 

James nodded, and watched closely as Snape went through the hand formations. "Right," he said. "Like this?" He copied the formations himself. 

"Yes." Snape said walking to his bag. He pulled out a black and silver dagger with green gems in the hilt. "Don't look at me like that, it's not mine." He said, sticking the blade between his teeth to free his hands. He did the hand gestures and walked up the pillar towards the unnaturally high ceiling, the knife back in his hand. Once he was about four feet from the top he took the knife and left a nice deep gash in the wood. He turned and slid down the pillar, his feet flat against the wood, his hands back against the pillar. He used his chakra to slow down his fall. Once he was back on the ground he handed the blade to James. 

"I want you to practice that technique. It'll be the first one you teach. In addition, I will leave you a text book on chakra points and systems. I want you to read over it." He said heading to his bag agin. He pulled out a text book and left it on a table for James to take later. 

James certainly did have to raise an eyebrow at the site of that green and black gem-encrusted dagger. The knife practically screamed 'old money Slytherin.' And if it wasn't actually Snape's, whose the hell was it? And how had it ended up in Snape's bag? Had it been lent to him? Or had Snape taken up pickpocketing his fellow House members? Neither would have been that much of a surprise.

He watched as Snape once again walked up the pillar and used the knife to mark his progress. James took the blade when it was offered, determined to make it as far as Snape had by the time he was done. He noted where Snape placed the text book, and nodded.

"Got it," he said, as if it was the easiest thing in the world. He didn't expect to get the hang of it instantly, but was bound and determined to have it covered by the time they continued their lesson tomorrow. If Snape could do it, James most certainly could learn to do the same. 

"Get a good sleep tonight potter." He said picking up his bag. "We'll be picking up training again after my exam." He said heading towards the door. He reached to push the door open and paused. "Oh and Potter ..." He said waiting for him to look up. "For all the negative things I've said .... About your son ...." He said pausing again. "He was a very compassionate person ... I wasn't joking when I said I was not a kind person and a bully .... Because that's exactly what I was. I picked on him as often as I could, docked points for the littlest of things and put him down whenever possible. 

I'm not proud of it. He hated me more than anyone else in that school, he'd been 100% certain that I was a death eater, and had taken over Hogwarts in his final year .... He had no reason to show me any type of compassion .... If anything he should have been the first to draw his wand at me. He should have been the one to let me die alone ... But he didn't. When I was bleeding to death in the shrieking shack he had no reason to come to me .... But he did. And when he looked at me, it wasn't with hatred. It was with fear." He looked down a laughed slightly. 

"Fool even tried to stop the bleeding." He laughed again. "Like it would have done anything .... But despite everything I'd done ... He didn't let me die alone." He said looking back up at James. "I don't know anyone else who would have done that." 

James looked up when Snape said his name, suddenly speaking far too hesitantly for this new, confident Future Snape. Even when he'd talked about his abusive father, Snape hadn't hesitated like he did now. Yet he was confiding things that the old Snape never would have. Even five minutes ago, James wouldn't have expected him to suddenly turn around with a positive word for his son. Compassionate? When had Snape ever spoken that way about anyone? And why was he telling James that he'd mistreated his son? Was he supposed to blame him? To be angry? To somehow feel less guilty, knowing that Snape hadn't been perfect either? At the moment, James didn't have it in him to feel any of those things. Though he had no idea why.

Not sure where Snape was going with this, James just listened in silence, staring back at that face that had so often looked back at him in hatred, and waited until he had finished speaking.

A moment of silence hung in the air. How was James supposed to react? Clearly it meant something to Snape that James's son had been there. But... it wasn't anything James could have ever imagined himself doing. Not in the same situation, anyway, with so many reasons to hate him. It... stunned him somehow to hear that.

James swallowed the lump that had risen in his throat. What the hell? How had that gotten there?  
"I don't know anyone else who would have done that either," James said quietly. "But... I'm glad someone did." 

"I wasn't telling you that for my sake .... I had known for years I was going to die alone ... To be honest it was something I'd come to terms with before even coming to Hogwarts. I was telling you that because despite how negatively I speak of him .... He did have good qualities." He did not need to make it so obvious that Snape was talking about James in comparison. Perhaps Harry's compassion came from his mother, but James had his own good qualities. 

James stared. Was Snape saying what James thought he was saying? Obviously, James had never known Snape as well as he'd thought, but he was still fairly certain the man was never in the habit of saying people had 'good qualities.' Let alone anyone connected to James.

Admittedly, that kind of compassion wasn't really a trait James felt he had any claim to. Maybe the kid really had turned out better than he would have if James had been around to influence him. But... that didn't seem to be Snape's point at the moment.

After a moment, James said: "Maybe he managed to see some good qualities in you too." 

"At the time .... I doubt it." He said finally walking from the room and down the hall. He was going to head to his room to study, not for his exams, but study the 'white eyes' technique. 

James wasn't so sure about that. The kid may not have known what side Snape was on, but at the very least, the man was one hell of a wizard... which was going to annoy James to no end if he couldn't find a way to catch up.

James set to work on that technique, going through the hand formations and trying to focus. It took a lot longer than he'd predicted to feel the chakra gathering in his chest, and it was several hours before he was able to move the chakra down into his feet. He'd keep losing his concentration, and the chakra would dissipate and he'd have to start all over again. A few times, he got impatient and tried to move the chakra too fast, and not all of it seemed to make it to his feet. He kept reminding himself that it didn't matter how easy Snape had made it look, James was still a beginner at this, it was going to take time, that was just how learning worked... 

When he finally got enough chakra into his feet to produce that telltale blue glow, and was able to focus enough to keep it there, he picked up the knife, and started to try to move up the pillar... and didn't make it two steps before he lost concentration on keeping the chakra in his feet, and fell. He was at this for hours and hours on end, sometimes making even less progress than before because he got frustrated enough to lose concentration entirely. He lost track of the times he fell on his ass. It didn't matter. He wasn't leaving this room until he met the goal that Snape had set for him. If Snape could do it, he could. It didn't matter how much experience Snape had, he'd known James was a beginner at this, and if James failed to meet the goal Snape set for a beginner, he'd never be able to live it down. He could do this, dammit.

He was at it all night, never making it any farther up the pillar than just barely halfway, eventually falling asleep against the pillar in the early hours of the morning.


	29. A Lesson or a Test?

Chapter 29

Severus walked into the room of requirement and set his bag down. He'd just finished his exam, and still had another three days’ worth. He looked to Potter who was sleeping rather uncomfortably against the pillar. Looking up at it, it seemed the boy had worked himself into exhaustion. The pillar was covered in jagged marks, the highest going maybe half way up to the mark he'd left him. Impressive for a beginner ....even more impressive that James had only started learning about Chakra that day. It had taken him nearly two weeks to get up that high. The only reason Snape had put the goal so high, was so that James would push himself ....that and Snape had hoped James worked himself hard, making his own damn punishment for that letter he'd sent Lily. Even if he didn't know that's why Snape had set him that goal. 

"Potter." He said kicking him a little harder than necessary in the leg to wake him up. "Only got half way Potter?" He asked. "Pathetic." 

James jerked awake to a sharp kick in the leg, and instinctively kicked out in retaliation. He blinked a few times, regaining awareness of where he was and what he'd been doing. He'd fallen asleep with his glasses on, but incredibly askew. He shoved them back into place and glared up at Snape.  
"Oh, shut up," he said, stifling a yawn. He got back to his feet, stiff and sore from sleeping against the pillar. 

Severus watched as James struggled to his feet. "I thought I told you to get a good night’s sleep, did I not?" He asked, taking the knife from James and shoving it back in his bag. The notches on the pillar disappeared except for the top two. Jame's highest mark and Snape's goal. "You won't be able to muster enough energy for what I had planned on teaching you today ... Perhaps we should just skip our lesson today." He said slinging his bag over his shoulder again. 

"What?" After all of that work, there was no way James was letting Snape cancel on him now. "No," he insisted, crossing his arms. "I can do it. At least let me try." 

"No, Potter .... the only thing you will do is hurt yourself! Go back to your room, and get some rest." He said turning towards the door. 

James got between Snape and the door, and stood his ground. "You don't know that," he said angrily. "There's no way of finding out whether I can do it or not unless you let me try! I have a limited amount of time to learn these techniques and you know it!" 

"I do know that .... and if you knew that you would have gotten the rest that was required of you so that you are fit for training." He said walking past him and towards the door again. 

"Oh, so now you're going to start setting reasonable goals?" As if it were James's fault that he couldn't get as far up the pillar as Snape had instructed! He grabbed Snape by the shoulder. "I know my limits, okay, and I've run on less sleep than that before." 

"Yes .... During less intense training. What did I tell you about thinking Potter?" He asked. "Your magic, which you have exhausted and not yet rebuilt are connected directly to your body. If your body is weak, then so is your Magic .... Rest ... And next time I tell you to do something bloody well do it!" He said moving to the table. He picked up the text book Potter hadn't touched. "Here's your training for today Potter and I expect you to be fully rested tomorrow." He said heading towards the door again. 

"Oh and Potter .... If you can follow orders this time .... Don't eat anything after five PM tonight .... And meet me across the lake at 6am tomorrow ... I'll give you more details on your training then." 

"Fine," James snapped. There was no point in carrying on this argument any further, if Snape wasn't going to train him today. "We'll do things your way."

He snatched up the textbook, and stormed off to go sleep. Admittedly, he was incredibly exhausted... but he wasn't about to admit that to Snape.

\---------------------------------------

The next morning, James was at the lake at 6am, yawning. Since Snape was being so terribly particular about following orders, James had spent most of yesterday reading up on Chakra points, and had gotten an early night. And, of course, he hadn't eaten after 5pm yesterday afternoon. Consequently, he was more grumpy than usual. James was not a morning person under the best of circumstances.

He was surprised when Remus showed up at the lake as well.

"Moony?" James said. "I didn't know Snape was having you come in early too."

"Yeah," said Remus. "Just got an owl about it yesterday." He was quiet for a moment, then said. "So, um... How's it been? Working with Snape?"

James shrugged, bit back a few choice words, and muttered. "Educational."

"Ah."

Snape, however, was late. Which irritated James all the more, when he had been so damned insistent on every little detail.

Marcus McFagan slowly walked up to the two boys near the water. "I didn't know anyone else was going to be here." He said quietly to the two boys, noting that even though he was fifteen minutes late Severus didn't seem to be there yet. 

"Seems to be something of a surprise for everyone," James said wryly. He remembered McFagan's name had been included in the list of people to be involved. A dangerous undertaking for anyone currently living in Slytherin House, but then this group was secret for a reason. And James knew Snape wouldn't bring anyone in from Slytherin lightly.

"Wonder what's keeping Snape," James muttered under his breath.

Remus shook his head. "I'm sure it's important, whatever it is."

James opened his mouth to retort, but stopped himself. If he and Snape were running this group together, James couldn't very well go around bad-mouthing him in front of group members. They needed to show a united front. Which meant that right now, James would probably be better off not saying anything at all.

It was nearly six thirty when Snape came walking up to the trio, his black dress shirt tucked into his black pants. His shirt was unbuttoned at the top and his sleeves where rolled up to his elbows. Hanging off one of his belt loops were two small silver charms, one of a chess piece and one of a key, attached with a silver chain on each charm. 

"Morning." He said casually as he put down a cloth bag. 

Remus glanced at James, concerned that he just might explode. Dealing with a disgruntled Prongs first thing in the morning was not for the faint of heart.

"So it is," James said, voice tense. "Care to tell us why you're half an hour late, Snape?" 

Snape perched on a rock nearby and looked at the tree of them. "I was sleeping." He said as if it were totally normal. "Now, I have a test for the three of you." He said moving on before any of them could say anything. "I have no doubts by this point you're all starving .... So if you complete your test ... I'll provide you with breakfast." He said watching the three. 

"Your test is simple. Attached to my belt loop are two charms .... Get a charm, and you get to eat. Simple as that. You may use any means necessary. Are there any questions before we begin?" 

James glared at Snape, taking all his self-control not to just lunge forward and tackle him. That hadn't exactly been effective before. "No," James said curtly. "I'm ready." He glanced at the others. "You two?"

Remus shook his head. He'd been about to ask is Snape had done anything to prevent a simple summoning charm from working... but if he hadn't, then the others would think to use it, and if he had, Remus could find that out quickly enough for himself, and move on to the next idea. 

"Um ...." Marcus said raising his hand slightly. "You only have two charms." He said pointing at Snape's hip. Snape looked at him and raised an eyebrow. 

"How observant of you." Severus said dryly. He remained seated where he was on the rock, cross legged. "You have 4 hours before my exam starts. Begin." 

 

James immediately set in with some rapid-fire spellwork, knowing that with Snape's skill at deflecting and dodging, one attack alone wasn't likely to hit. He started out with mostly Stupefy and Petrificus Totalus, hoping to incapacitate Snape before he got a chance to use any of the techniques that were still so far beyond their league. He didn't bother with Expelliarmus, since Snape had already established that he didn't need his wand anyway. James kept at a distance for now, careful not to stay in one place. Despite the overwhelming temptation right now to run in and hit Snape over the head with something, James didn't want to open himself to attack either, especially anything that might slow him down or impair his magic.

Remus started out with the obvious, just to rule out whether it would work. "Accio knight!” While it certainly seemed too easy to work, for all he knew, Snape might be counting on them to think that. Particularly with someone like James present, who had a certain stubborn tendency to rush in and do things the hard way.

James raised an eyebrow at him. "Really?"

Remus shrugged, and gave him a look that said 'It was worth a try.'

Remus too kept his distance for now. If James, as angry as he was, wasn't just running at Snape in a full-out charge, he must know a good reason not to. He observed to see whether James's approach was effective, and kept on guard and wary in case of attack, not just from Snape, but also from McFagan. After all, there were only two charms. 

McFagan stared at Snape, as none of the spells seemed to effect Snape, who still just sat there watching them. He looked around at the trees a moment before bolting into the woods, away from Snape. Snape watched them with a smirk on his face. "Is that really the best you two have?" He asked as McFagan disappeared from sight. Smart boy ... 

Snape sighed and pulled out one of his text books from his bag and started to read. 

James and Remus stared as McFagan ran off into the woods.

"What the hell?" said James, careful not to take his attention off of Snape.

Remus frowned, looking off into the trees where McFagan had disappeared.

"He knows something," Remus murmured. "Something we're not picking up on... " What had McFagan noticed? He'd been staring at Snape right before he ran away. Remus did the same now, but didn't see anything out of the ordinary. "James," he said. "Keep attacking him the way you were."

James shook his head. "It hasn't been working. We need a new strategy."

"I know that," said Remus. "Just... I'm trying to figure something out here, okay?"

James rolled his eyes. "It's a fight, Moony. Not an experiment."

"Do you have a better idea?"

"Fine."

James went back to attacking Snape as he had before, and Remus observed Snape with the utmost scrutiny, looking for the slightest detail that might be out of the ordinary. 

Severus held up his hand and blocked the attacks, the book held in his free hand. He barely even looked up as James attacked him. It was almost as if Snape didn't have a care in the world that James was attacking him. He seemed to be reading, but his eyes weren't moving over the pages. They were still, unblinking. 

Remus stared. Snape's eyes.

"He's not really reading," he murmured.

"So what?" said James. "He's showing off because he's an asshole."

Remus shook his head. James was given to showing off, and right now was applying his own motives to Snape's actions... motives that didn't fit the patterns of how Snape had always acted. Snape was the type to lose himself in a book, not the type to hold one for show.

"I'm following McFagan," Remus decided, and ran off into the woods to catch up with him. While he wasn't quite sure what McFagan had seen, he had a hunch.

James shot a glare at Snape.

"Oh, what the hell," he muttered and ran off after Remus. He didn't have a damn clue what Remus thought he was doing, but James wasn't exactly making any progress, and Remus was going to need someone to watch his back, in case McFagan was setting a trap to knock out the competition. 

Severus looked up from where he was perched. He smirked as his body faded away, his book clattering to the ground. The real Severus was in the middle of the forest, not far from where Remus was paused. He sat in the tree, watching him. He leaned against the trunk, his knee crossed over his leg. 

It wouldn't be long before Remus saw him, and he wondered just what the boy would do. He shifted slightly, the charms jingling together quietly on their short chain. 

Remus had stopped, listening intently, before the quiet jingling of the charms caught his ear. He looked up, and saw Snape sitting quietly in a nearby tree, watching him. Remus noted that Snape still had both charms, and glanced quickly around. McFagan couldn't be far; he'd been on the right track well before Remus had. Was the Slytherin just biding his time, waiting for the others to wear Snape down? 

"I'd be really interested to know how you did that," said Remus, thinking. If Snape was capable of that kind of advanced magic, finding him had probably been the easy part. In all likelihood, Snape was more than capable of blocking any spell Remus threw at him...

But then, an uncomfortable voice in the back of Remus's head reminded him, what if it actually did hit him? After Remus had nearly killed him in the Shrieking Shack, he found himself suddenly paranoid that he might somehow seriously hurt Snape in reality. Despite the things that Remus knew now, he still couldn't quite believe that Snape had even allowed him to join this group. The guilt of that night... and of all the times when Remus had simply stood by and done nothing... still haunted him.  
Right. So, what could he try that might work, but wouldn't be likely to knock Snape out of the tree if it actually hit him?

At this point, James came crashing through the various plant growth with all the subtlety of a rampaging hippogriff, and looked up at Snape, a look of irritated confusion on his face. Remus resisted the urge to say 'I told you so.' For now.

James shoved aside his bewilderment about how, and attempted to attack Snape the same way he had attacked the decoy. 

Snape laughed and disappeared before James' attack could connect. "You'll have to do a lot better than that if you want to eat ... If you think Dumbledore will feed you you're sadly mistaken .... if you do not complete the task before the allotted time .... perhaps we'll pick it up again after my exam." He said with a laugh, his voice seeming to come from everywhere at once. Severus appeared back at the rock where they had first met up. He was using up his chakra fast, but it didn't matter. In this part of the game, the others were wearing themselves down a lot faster. 

He took the bag and took out two of the plates of food, charmed to stay warm, and placed them on top of the flat rock. He wondered just which one of them would take the bait. 

James stomped his foot on the ground in frustration, and let out a rather creative string of curse words.

Remus sighed. "I think I liked him better when we hated him."

"Speak for yourself, I still do," James grumbled. "How the hell did he even do that?"

"I'm not entirely sure he was really here in the first place," said Remus.

"Whatever," snapped James. "I'm going back to the start."

"Why? He'll just disappear again. Running back and forth isn't a strategy; we need to figure out where he'll be next, and if there's a way to--"

"Stand around and do nothing?" James snapped. "No thanks."

He stormed out of the forest. Remus hesitated a moment, before inevitably giving in to the imperative to keep James from doing something stupid.

When James emerged from the forest, Snape was nowhere in sight... but there were two plates of food sitting on a rock. He glanced around; still no sign of Snape. 

"Fuck it," he muttered. He was fed up with this Snape's stupid orders, and his stupid games, and controlling them all like puppets.

He headed for the food.

"James," Remus said in a warning tone. "He'll know."

"Fuck him too."

"You're not thinking clearly. It's so obvious it's a trap it's painful."

James turned to face Remus and waved his arms. "What's he going to do about it!? Tell me that! You want to keep playing by his rules even when it's bloody stupid, fine!"

James started off for the rock, and Remus ran up and tackled him to the ground.

"Get off!"

"I'll get off when you quit being a moron!"

James managed to throw Remus off, elbowing him in the ribs, ran up to the rock, and with a defiant glare, shoved a handful of food into his face before Remus could stop him.

Remus shook his head, and threw his hands in the air. "Fine. But you'll probably need a bezoar, now. Did you even think of that?" 

Severus stood in one of the nearby trees shaking his head. Some leader. Severus pulled out his wand and aimed it at James. He threw a spell at him that knocked him clear back, the food falling from James' surprised mouth as he hit a pillar. Ropes twisted around him securing him against it. Severus landed on the ground with a quiet jingle of the two charms. 

"I thought I said the food was a reward for after the competition. It looks like you just disqualified yourself Mr. Potter ... The other two have seven minutes remaining to catch the charms from me." Severus said summoning James' wand to him. He put the wand down next to one of the plates on the rock as McFagan came flying out of the trees. Severus ignored him as the boy ran with amazing speed. His fingers barely brushed the charms as Severus moved out of the way and kicked McFagan to the grass. 

"You kicked me!" He said accusingly. "Wizarding law mandates that -" 

"In a fair duel no witch or wizard may use non magical forms of combat. The thing is Mr. McFagan, that this is NOT a fair duel ....this is a test ... Do you really think Death Eaters are going to be fighting fairly? I think not." He said as McFagan came at him again. Severus moved out of the way again, this time McFagan fell to his face of his own accord. 

James was momentarily stunned, his back hitting the pillar and knocking the breath out of him. Then he struggled angrily against the ropes, but it was pointless. He was bound far too tight. He glared at Snape in silent rage, completely humiliated, and feeling like an absolute idiot.

Well, then. It looked like there was only one way for Remus to get his stupid friend loose. While Snape was filling McFagan in on the unfairness of combat, Remus ran up and made a grab for one of the charms. 

Severus kicked Remus back knocking him onto the ground hard, the boy landing on his back with a dull thud. They had thirty seconds to get a charm. They wouldn't. 

Thirty seconds later Snape sighed. "You're all out of time." He said pointing for the two of them to go sit by James who he did not free. He could hear all three of their stomachs growling by this point. 

"Well .... Here's the good news .... None of you will be returning here for another test ...." He said quietly watching the three of them. 

McFagan looked up at him. "All three of us?" 

"Yes .... all three of you ... are being dropped from the group! Permanently." He said pulling out his wand. “And your memories removed that the group even existed.” 

"DROP US FROM THE GROUP?!" McFagan said angrily. "YOU CAN'T JUST CHANGE YOUR MIND AND KICK US OUT, WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!" 

Severus looked annoyed at the Slytherin. "Because you don't think like warriors as you're expected to be. You think like little kids. Like brats!" McFagan had enough of the insults. He stood and ran at Snape, his arm outstretched, forgetting even his wand and going for a physical attack. 

Severus blocked it easily and slammed McFagan onto the ground. Severus sat on top of him, pinning his arm behind his back. 

"You think it's all about you! You don't know what it means to be in this fight! You think it's a game! Why did I bring you here in a group of three? Did you consider that question for one moment?" Severus asked looking up at the other two. "You never realized what this exercise is all about. Not even close! That is what determines whether you pass or fail! Use your head! I brought three people here, why do you think I would do that?" 

James stared at Snape in disbelief. How did Snape think he was going to keep the group together without him? Snape would never in a thousand years have brought him into this if he didn't need him! And after all of that work, all of that effort, after the things Snape had told him that he never would have before... it was all for nothing?! But then, James had been the one acting like an immature brat. If he couldn't stop being so self-centered and think... then what use was he to the group?

Remus winced. Snape had a point. None of them had the right mindset for this, not really. "To... work together?" he said quietly.

"Instead of rushing in like a bunch of selfish..." James started, then shook his head. "Well, like me."  
He couldn't even look Snape in the eye right now. He wondered if Snape would modify their memories when he kicked them out. Of course he would. He had to, really. They all knew too much for outsiders. James most of all. Snape had not only told him information vital to the resistance, but personal information as well. 

"It's so basic. TEAMWORK!" Severus said annoyed. 

"So .... just working together? That's what you mean?" McFagan asked from his spot under Snape. 

"That's what I mean ..." He said still annoyed. "It's too late now. If all three of you had come at me, you might have been able to take them!" Severus said, indicating the charms that where still attached to his belt loop. "Well, anyway. It's over." 

"But you set it up with two charms. If we worked together, one of us wouldn't get a charm and that would lead to group conflict." McFagan said struggling to get out from under Snape who didn't seem to be moving off of him any time soon. 

"Exactly. I purposely pitted you against each other. I wanted to see if you'd overcome that, and put your team mates ahead of yourselves! Team work didn't even cross your minds! Remus, you obsessed over following your team mates who were doing nothing instead of following your own gut! James, you do everything on your own! Everything!" He said pressing down against McFagan harder. "And you McFagan, you thought the others where so far beneath you they were worthless ... it's why you took off on your own! When individuals put themselves above their team, it can lead to failure and death! For example!" Snape said pulling out the black and green knife he'd had James practice with the night before. 

"Remus .... Kill Potter now, or McFagan dies ..." He said putting the blade against the boys throat. 

James stared at Snape in speechless shock. It was official. The man had completely lost his mind.  
Remus's eyes went wide, as he looked from McFagan, to James, then back to Snape. "Snape," Remus said cautiously. "We both know you're not actually going to kill anyone, and neither am I. Just... put down the knife, okay? Things are getting out of hand here." 

"No, you're right. I won't kill him .... But that is what will happen on the field ...." He said pulling the knife away. "The enemy takes a hostage and you have an impossible choice and someone ends up dead." He put the knife away again and got up off of McFagan. 

"Alright .... I'm going to give you three one more chance. But I'm going to make it much harder on you." He said as McFagan moved and sat next to James again. "You'll have three hours to get a charm. Eat lunch now to regain your strength, but James doesn't get any. It's your punishment for trying to break the rules and trying to eat by yourself. And if anyone tries to feed him, that person will immediately be dropped from the group." 

Remus let out a sigh of relief when Snape put the knife away and let McFagan up. But the idea bothered James. What if they really were in a situation like that? Who could possibly be trusted to make that kind of impossible decision? And who could plan well enough to truly guarantee that it would never be necessary? Maybe Snape was right. Maybe they weren't fit to be in the group. Right now, James didn't feel qualified to lead anyone.

At Snape's orders, James's hands clenched into fists at his sides... but he kept his mouth shut. He was more angry at himself now than anything else. Remus gave James an apologetic look, but did as Snape had ordered them. He knew James didn't want him getting kicked out either. 

Severus watched them a moment before he walked away. He disappeared behind a tree behind them out of their view, they didn't see him go there and remained there watching them. 

Remus looked down uncomfortably at his plate, then looked up at James. He was about to speak, but James interrupted:

"Don't even think about it. It's my own fault and you know it."

"Well, I wasn't going to be the one to say it..." Remus shook his head. "Sorry."

"Why? You're the only one who was making even the slightest attempt to work together. I was too busy being, well..."

"A stubborn, easily angered ass?" Remus supplied.

"Yes. That." James was quiet for a moment, then looked down at McFagan and said, "Whereas you were at least acting logically. You knew that people don't trust Slytherin, and with only two charms, you had every reason to assume the Gryffindors would stick together and stab you in the back." 

McFagan sighed. "If you don't eat Potter, you'll be too weak to do the task again. We need you strong. Snapes not around." He said handing his plate to James. "Hurry up before he comes back and flunks us all." He said annoyed, not even taking into consideration that James' hands were tied. 

James stared at him in surprise. "No, you put that away before he finds out and disqualifies you."  
Remus rolled his eyes at the both of them, picked up the food McFagan was offering and shoved it in James's mouth.

"Just shut up and eat, James. You're an idiot when you're hungry."

Well. James couldn't argue with that. Literally. The only way to keep Remus and McFagan from getting flunked now was to eat quickly before Snape returned and caught them. So he did.  
Remus kept glancing back at the trees, knowing that Snape might reappear at any moment. 

Severus appeared before them, face red with anger. "I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU NOT TO FEED HIM!" He yelled. "WHAT GOOD ARE YOU IF YOU CAN'T FOLLOW SIMPLE ORDERS!?!?!" He continued yelling before he quieted to a regular volume. "What do you all have to say for yourselves before I obliviate all three of you and send you back home!" 

James and Remus both froze when Snape suddenly appeared, furious and shouting. Well, there was nothing left to lose now.

Remus took a step forward, looking Snape steadily in the eyes. "We were working together," he said evenly. "It's no good to the team as a whole if one of our members isn't at full strength. We wouldn't have stood a chance anyway."

"Look," James said. "I disobeyed orders out of sheer stupidity. They at least did it for the right reasons. And they wouldn't have had to in the first place if it weren't for my actions so... If you want to kick me out, I understand that. But Lupin and McFagan could still contribute a lot to the group."

James hated being sent away, he hated that he had failed, and he hated that he was about to just forget all of this, after everything he'd learned. But he knew he'd fucked up. And the group still needed practical thinkers like Remus and McFagan. 

"So that's your excuse?" Severus asked. "That's all you have to say for yourselves." 

"That's all?" McFagan asked shocked. "You wanted us to work as a team, we can't work as a team if James is starving since you starved him for ... by the time we do the test again, 12 hours. He'll be weak and useless if he's hungry! So yes, we fed him to benefit the team!” McFagan said angrily. 

Severus sneered at them for a few moments and looked at the other two. "And this is how you all feel?" He asked bitterly. 

"Yes," Remus said. "That's how we all feel." It was a pity, really. McFagan seemed alright. But before, they'd never had any reason to bother getting to know him. And now, once Snape obliviated them, they never would.

James nodded. "Yes."

He had to admit, they were right. James could be stubborn sometimes and take on more than he could handle, but even he knew that after 12 hours without eating anything, he'd be completely useless. Remus and McFagan had made the only sensible decision. 

"Well, then you leave me no choice." He said pulling out his wand. He aimed it at James a wicked smirk on his face. A few seconds later the ropes came loose. "You pass." He said simply as if this where just an average casual conversation. McFagan looked at him confused. 

"Huh?" He could not have sounded stupider. 

"I said you passed." Snape said flippantly. 

James glared resentfully back at Snape as he pointed his wand at him. Not only did he purely hate the idea of losing everything he'd learned... but it now occurred to him that he didn't trust Snape not to damage his memory a lot more than he strictly had to. After all, James wasn't of any use to the resistance anymore, and he really didn't like the look of that smirk...

And then the ropes came loose, and fell away around him.

He stared, blinking in confusion.

"What do you mean, we passed?" James demanded. "How?"

Remus stared at Snape, looking equally bewildered for a moment, before comprehension started to dawn in his eyes. "Wait..." he said slowly. "That was a test too? To see if we'd band together?" 

"Well, yes to see if you would work together. It was also a matter of making a hard decision. Sacrificing yourself for the betterment of the team. McFagan, you gave James your food at the risk of being eliminated from the group, and yet you went against my orders to better your team. Not only was this a test, it was also a lesson. Not all of your orders are going to make sense, nor will they seem rational. This was a test to see if you could think for yourselves. Instead of just blindly following. I'm not saying always disobey orders, but always think about why you received them, and weigh its pros and cons." He said picking up his bag from beside the rock and putting his textbook in. 

"That is exactly what you all just did .... Now you three may continue training with each other. I have an exam to get to." He said. 

James continued staring at Snape as if he'd grown an extra head. First he wanted his orders followed, now he'd given orders he intentionally wanted them to break?

"Unbelievable," he muttered under his breath. Then he frowned. "Wait," he said. "So... What would have happened if we'd actually done what you told us to?"

Remus looked up, wondering about the answer to that as well. 

"You would have failed ...." Severus said walking away from them, his bag slung over his shoulder. 

James stared at Snape as he walked away from them.

"Think he's always going to be like this?" Remus asked quietly.

"Probably," said James. He turned to McFagan. "Shall we train for a while, then?" 

McFagan looked over at James. "I thought you were supposed to be our leader anyway. Not Snape. Why was he issuing us a test?" He asked confused. "I mean I know he asked me to join but ... I figured he was just a member. What are we calling ourselves anyway?" 

"Snape has advanced knowledge in highly specialized Defense Against the Dark Arts techniques," said James. Though McFagan didn't need to know too much else about Snape's experience, his question was valid, and needed an honest answer if McFagan was going to take either him or Snape seriously. "So he'll be acting as an advisor once the group gets up and running. It was Dumbledore’s recommendation. Just don’t let that information get out. Snape doesn’t want a lot of people knowing he’s even involved. He thinks it will affect people joining. And if I'm going to be the leader, it's all the more important that I be tested first. "

He grudgingly understood that now. Just that one test had forced James to face a lot of his biggest flaws, and to recognize the possible dangers of failing to deal with them. It would be up to him to make sure the team worked well together... and if he was too caught up in his own concerns, he wouldn't be able to do that. He wondered, though, why Snape had brought in these two team members specifically to make that point. Remus made sense: he was observant, level-headed, and could be a good influence... when James wasn't being too stubborn to listen. But why McFagan? Was it because, as a Slytherin, he was the most challenging for James to work with as a team? Or was there something else?

"As for what we're calling ourselves," James said, looking from McFagan to Remus. "It'll need to be a name we can all get behind. So I'm open to suggestions." 

((A/N – For any of the ones who didn’t want to read the Naruto heavy chapter – Snape tested James, Remus and a new character by the name of Marcus McFagan – They all lost, Snape got mad, gave them breakfast, and tricked them into winning. Basic lesson learned – Teamwork and Thinking for yourself …. 

Please don’t send me any more reviews hating on the whole Naruto thing …. I get it … you guys don’t like it …. It’s about 50/50 on the scale of likes to dislikes …. Again … this will be the last Naruto heavy chapter, though not the last reference to chakra as it’ll be used in a later chapter and in parts here and there, but it won’t be a HUGE factor into the rest of the fanfic. 

The reason I used the bell test was because 1. We needed a test 2. We needed a lesson to learn and 3. I really loved that scene in Naruto and thought it would work out well in the lesson Snape wanted to teach them. There will be another test coming up in a future chapter – I PROMISE it will not be taken from Naruto.

Also … McFagan will be appearing in later chapters as well. As always, please leave a review – just please don’t complain about the Naruto reference as it’s been addressed now in both A/Ns at beginning and end of the chapter, and I get it at this point.))


	30. Another Test?

(A/N – I didn’t proof read this one – why? Because I’m sick as a dog and just want to go to bed … But I’m updating for you because the story must go on … so … with that said …. I’m going to bed.) 

Chapter 30

Severus entered the Slytherin common room which had been empty since he'd arrived there. It was odd, the quietness of the normally bustling room. But Severus was grateful for the peace. He tossed his bag onto the couch and yawned, briefly wondering if James and the others were still training. Knowing James he was probably working himself into exhaustion again. No matter ... 

Severus laid back on the couch and closed his eyes. Finally, some time to just rest and relax. It had been so long since he'd been able to do so. He still had so much to think about, but he needed to stop for just a little while. Severus felt something on his knee and he looked up to see Amaranth perched there. "Where did you come from?" He asked. He sat up and pulled the parchment from his claw. 

The bird pecked at him and causing Severus to flick at him. He didn't connect with the bird, but still he drew up and flapped his wings threateningly at Severus. "Oh, save it for someone who's scared of you!" He said laying back down with the parchment. He opened it and started to read. 

'Dear Sev

You remember how my dad’s been trying to get mum to go to see a doctor for a while? She went yesterday, and they've found out what's been causing the pain. We're looking after her here, so just focus on your exams and don't worry. I'm sure you're doing brilliantly. But once you're done, whenever you're able to come back, they have some things they want to talk to you about. 

Hope everything's going well,  
-Lily' 

Severus sighed and laid his head back. So they managed to catch it. It was fast too ....still. It might already be too late. Her writing had been a bit shaky, and there where quite a few blots on the page. Something Lily was known to avoid. It must have been a shock to Lily. He'd hoped it wouldn't have been until he got back that they would have found the results, so that he could be there for her. But ... The sooner the better.

\----------------------

James had been in the Gryffindor Common Room when he went to sleep. Of that, he was absolutely sure.

So when he became gradually aware of lying on a hard surface, an odd rocking sensation, and sounds like... waves? The ocean? It was with some confusion that his eyes blinked open, staring up at a foreboding, cloud-darkened sky.

He blinked a few more times, but with awareness came only more confusion. He sat up. He was in a boat. Middle of a large body of water, seemingly the ocean, no way of telling the direction of the sun due to the thick shroud of storm clouds, and no land in sight. McFagan was in the boat too... but apparently still unconscious. Somehow, James doubted McFagan would know any more about how they got here than he did.

"Uh... McFagan?" James shook his shoulder slightly, trying to wake him. 

Marcus groaned rubbed his head, the first thing he was aware of was the sudden pounding. He rolled over and looked up at the .....Sky? He sat up and looked at James a moment before looking around in every direction. "Where are we?!" He asked. "How did we end up here?!" He asked. If there was one thing Marcus was terrified of, it was water. Deep water even more so. "What-?" He looked at James who looked just as puzzled as he did. 

In addition to his own confusion, James saw something in McFagan's eyes that looked like fear.   
James shook his head. "I don't know," he said, keeping his voice as calm as possible. "I just woke up here, same as you. The important thing is to try to figure out a way back to land..." He looked around into the distance in all directions, but there was still nothing to give him a clue. "If we can just figure out what direction we need to head in."

Marcus looked around. "There isn't even an indication of which way to go. It all look the same." He said noticing the waves had stopped, as had the wind. Come to think of it, while it was there it seemed to change direction rather frequently. It made no sense. "No stars, no sun, no wind direction ..." He said looking around what do we do? Just start paddling?" 

James sighed, thinking. "We probably don't want to resort to that just yet... Don't want to risk getting any further out to sea than we already are..." That thought was more terrifying than James wanted to admit. "But we can't stay here either."

He searched for his wand, but it wasn't anywhere on him. Great.Bloody fantastic.

He looked over at McFagan. "I don't suppose you've got your wand with you?" 

Marcus moved his hand to his sleeve where he usually kept his wand. It wasn't there. He looked around the boat hoping to see it nearby. "No. You don't think it was pitched over do you? 

"Maybe," said James, looking out over the side, eyes scanning the surface of the waves for anything that might be a drifting, discarded wand. "If so, there's a good chance it would float. Look around, see if we can see anything."

Of course, as turbulent as the waves had been moments before, even if their wands were just floating around on the surface somewhere, there was no guarantee they were anywhere close. If not... they were seriously out of luck. 

Marcus sat back and sighed. "We should start paddling .... there's nothing else we can do unless we plan on -" Marcus stopped when he was pitched forward by a sudden wave hitting the boat. The waves started up again, but oddly enough there was no wind, nor any specific direction the waves where coming in. "What is going on?!" Marcus cried out. "We have to get to land!!" 

James flinched as the boat pitched forward. "Right. Just keep calm," he said, struggling to follow his own advise, and not to think about just how dire the situation was. He picked a direction that he deemed good as any, and started paddling... "Let's try this way!" he said.

There was no way of knowing if they were headed toward land at all or further out to sea, but staying where they were just wasn't an option. Not paddling at all would be just as bad as paddling in the wrong direction. 

Marcus moved forwards and took the other paddle from James. It would be easier if two of them where doing it. It felt like it wasn't doing any good. They paddled and paddled, occasionally taking a break from sheer exhaustion. But still they paddled. It felt like forever and still there was no sign of land, or even if they were still headed in the same direction. The waves where getting so bad that they may have been turned around several times, causing them to go in circles. 

"This is insane. How did we even get out here!?" 

"I don't know," James said, breathing hard from the exertion. His muscles ached and burned from paddling uselessly for so long, struggling against the waves to no avail. "But we have to keep trying. Giving up is not an option." 

"It's not doing us any good!" Marcus said. "We don't even know where we're going! Or where we are!" Marcus said, pulling his oar out of the water. With only James paddling the boat started to turn a bit. 

"And what good is stopping going to do!?" James demanded. "We're just as screwed if we do nothing! At least this way we're actually doing something instead of just... just accepting whatever happens!" 

"What we are doing is wasting our energy!" Marcus said angrily. "We have to think!" He said throwing the oar to the other side of the boat. "How did we get here? Why are we here? These waves aren't natural, so what's causing them? Why is there waves but no wind? There's so many questions we should be thinking about instead of wasting our energy!" 

James glared at him angrily... but as frustrating as the whole situation was, McFagan was clearly going to be stubborn about this... and he kind of had a point. They hadn't managed to make any progress so far, and James knew he wouldn't do any better paddling on his own. So they really might as well stop and think about the damn waves. Even if they did figure out what was happening with the weather, or how they'd ended up here, there was no guarantee that they'd actually be able to do anything about it... But if worse came to worse, they could always go back to paddling again. They'd be no worse off than they were now.

"Fine!" James snapped, throwing down his oar in the boat. "We'll talk about waves, then!" 

"You know what! You can stop getting mad at me at any point!" Marcus said angrily. "Snape might think you'd make a good leader, but with the way you're acting, I sure as hell don't!" He said moving to the other side of the boat. "You think I'm the one that got us stuck out here? Fine ....then just have out with it and blame me! After all I'm a Slytherin aren't I? Isn't it my job to make people's lives miserable? I'm the evil Slytherin, so let’s just blame me!" He said angrily. "If you want to paddle, fine we'll paddle. Leader!" He said sarcastically, picking up one of the oars and throwing it at James. 

James caught the oar. "Oh, like I'm the only one getting mad!" he retorted. "And you forget paddling was your idea in the beginning!" James was about to continue yelling at him from sheer frustration, but then stopped, running a hand through his hair in annoyance, and took a deep breath. Snape had kept telling him he was easy to anger... and James just kept proving him right over and over again, and it never ended well. If he and McFagan were going to get out of this, James needed to get past that and work with him.

He shook his head. "Look," he said, working to keep his tone even. "It's not you I'm mad at, okay? Not really. We're both tired and confused and angry and scared, and maybe we're not handling this situation too well. And no," he said, looking steadily across the boat at McFagan. "I don't think this is your fault. Frankly, I don't give a damn what house you're in. Snape wouldn't have recruited you if you couldn't be trusted. So... let's try it your way." He looked around. "We've got crazy, directionless waves with no wind, storm clouds blocking out the sun... anything else weird to add to the list?" 

Marcus calmed down and looked around, taking in his surroundings. He looked at the oar that he'd thrown at James and picked it up again. He ran his hand over the wood. "It's not wet." He said confused as to why it wasn't. It had just been in the water but the wood wasn't wet. "That makes no sense." He put the paddle down and looked around. He gathered his courage and moved to the edge of the boat. He could see into the water, but there was nothing inside it. 

Not a fish, no sea weed, not even a spec of dirt. It was perfectly clear water. The ocean would never be this clean. "The water is too clean. There's no water on the oar, the water's too clean ... there's no wind and the waves are sporadic. All of this makes no logical sense ....so the logical explanation, is that where ever we are, defies logic." Marcus said cryptically. 

James stared, then picked up the oar as well. McFagan was right; the oars were bone-dry. He listened to the rest of McFagan's observations and shook his head.

"How is that even possible?" he frowned. "There's no real place that defies logic. Unless we're both dreaming or something..." James stopped. He'd said that jokingly, but now that he thought about it... "You don't think this is some kind of illusion, do you? A really elaborate one?" 

"How did we get here?" Marcus asked. "What's the last thing you remember before you woke up here?" He asked. 

"I... just went to sleep in the dormitory in Gryffindor, same as usual." He thought back, but no details stood out as unusual. "I don't remember anything out of the ordinary... What about you? What's the last thing you remember?" 

"I was walking down the hall at Hogwarts. But I don't remember which hall, nor where I was headed." He said confused. "What was the date?" He asked James, trying to rationalize a connection between the two. They were at two different locations of Hogwarts when it happened. He raised his hand to his head again. That headache was coming back. 

"Um..." James frowned in thought a moment. "July nineteenth." He looked over at Marcus, who had put a hand to his head, as if in pain. Did he normally do that? James didn't really know the guy, and every time they'd interacted, he'd been focused on other things. "Hey, you alright?" 

"Yeah I'm fine .... It was July 20th last I remember. In the morning. So it sounds like your memory blacked out the night before." He said sitting down on the floor of the boat, leaning against the side. 

"Okay..." James said, trying to process that information. "So, I have a gap in my memory." That was more than slightly disconcerting. "And you don't remember what hallway you were in, or where you were going... What can we figure out from that? That someone's messing with our minds?" 

"Well we can determine that we were both going somewhere. You just don't remember the morning, where as I do. With what we've been doing lately ...." Marcus paused. Could it be? He doubted it could be possible, he doubted Snape even had that much power but ... Perhaps a potion? "Do you think this is another test?" He asked. 

James started to reject the idea, then stopped, looking over at McFagan. "That... would take an incredible amount of power, though, wouldn't it?" Though who knew what Snape was really capable of? And with his knowledge of Chakra, he could use his magic more efficiently than most wizards, so maybe it wasn't that impossible. "But it seems like something he'd do..." The more he thought about it, the more it made sense. "Goddammit, Snape," he muttered under his breath. 

"So what's the test then?" He asked. "I mean, why put us out here? To try to get along?" He asked. "We've been doing nothing but fighting since we woke up here, so .... Maybe if we got along ....then ..." Marcus shrugged. He had no idea what their test was. "Maybe the test is as simple to figure out, as finding our way to land. Maybe he's testing our strategic skills?" 

"It's possible," said James, thoughtfully. "Though if it's just figuring it out, why are we still here?" He sighed. "It's probably something like that, though. And the getting along theory would certainly explain why it's just you and me; Remus gets along with people too easily to really need that lesson. It can't be anything as obvious as finding land; it's never the obvious thing with Snape." 

"Unless that's what he's expecting." He said laying back in the boat, slumping down the side further. "So what's the use then? Why don't we just lay back and wait until he runs out of power ..." He said, knowing Snape wouldn't be able to hold this up forever. 

James laughed. "That's... a really sensible idea, actually." 

If they really were supposed to be finding land, Snape had made that an impossible task. They'd already figured the illusion out, and started getting along well enough. If there was something else they were supposed to be doing, James damned well didn't see it. And this illusion, however Snape was doing it, had to be taking its toll on him.

He lay back in the boat. All their efforts had been useless so far; why bother with pointless stress over an illusion? 

The water calmed over the next few hours, but still they showed no signs of Snape giving in. "What if we're wrong?" Marcus suddenly said, after sitting in quiet so long. "What if Snape isn't doing this? I mean, it's been a long time, he should have let us go by now right? Would have run out of energy!"

James sat up, worried. "I guess it could be something else, but what?" He frowned. "Let's try not to jump to conclusions too quickly, though. I mean, since we already know none of this is real, how do we even know if we're perceiving time correctly?" He looked around. The illusion still seemed intact as far as he could tell; none of their surroundings had started to fade or anything. "The water's calm now," he observed. "Do you think that means something?" 

Marcus sat up and looked at the water. "Not even a ripple. Not even from the boat. We're rocking, but I can't even tell if we're moving. This is scary ... Whether it's a test or not. I want to go home. There has to be something we can do." 

"Okay, then," said James, keeping his voice calm. From what he'd seen in the first test, McFagan tended to be sensible, observant, good at deductive reasoning... But this situation clearly made him nervous, and if McFagan started to panic, all that might go out the window. Someone needed to keep him thinking clearly. "What can we try that we haven't yet?" 

"Obviously it's not about physical effort. This is the test, and we have to figure out what the test is. Like our first test. We didn't even know what the test actually was until after we'd passed it. So we don't have many options here. Off hand, it would seem like our immediate goal would be to get to land, but the harder we tried to fight, the heavier the waves got." He said thinking. 

"True," James said. "That does seem to be a pattern..." He frowned. "I don't think the waves even started until we started paddling." He looked over at McFagan. "Do you think he wants us to just stop fighting to get back to land?" 

"Why would that even make sense?" He asked looking up at James. "What would the point of that be? What's the lesson?" 

James shook his head. "I don't know. It doesn't make that much sense. 'Just give up' doesn't really seem like a terribly useful lesson. So there has to be something else to it... Like to keep calm and make observations about your surroundings, or not to waste all of your energy in the wrong direction..." He sighed, frustrated. "Any ideas?" 

"That might be it, but then we would have been let go over the past couple of hours .... so there has to be another reason." He said, unsure of what it could be. One the one hand, the lesson had to have some deep meaning as the first one did ....something that would seem obvious after they found out what it was. But he had no idea what it could be. 

James sat there thinking for awhile. What the hell could Snape possibly want them to figure out from this that they hadn't worked out already? Something that they couldn't have gotten from the first test.

What was different here? 

He went over it all in his head again.

There was no clear, established goal. There was no land in sight. No way of determining what direction they were headed. And every time they tried to go anywhere, the waves picked up so they couldn't control what direction they were headed either... they were just adrift. The only choice they had was whether to waste their effort or not.

"There is literally no way to get ourselves out of this," he said slowly. "So... I don't know... maybe that we can't always control everything?" 

Marcus looked up at him. "That makes sense actually. I mean, you can't always control everything, and as a leader, or even a team member, it would be a good lesson to learn. Situations can often get out of control and if you try to control it you can lose your head. Kinda like we both did when we tried paddling against the waves." He said looking up at James. "So if we just sit back, and let the water take us ... stop trying to control the boat and just accept the situation .... perhaps that's what will get us out of here."

"That does sound like something I might need to work on," James admitted. He did tend to take a hands-on approach to most situations. Sitting back and doing nothing just wasn't him. Hell, in the last test, he'd ended up doing just about the most stupid thing possible, just to try to take back some control of things. "Guess it's worth a try then," he said, sitting back against the edge of the boat. Admittedly, he didn't particularly like it... He would much prefer to be doing something... But in this case, there was really nothing they could do. He'd just have to wait and see how things turn out. 

Severus let go of the connection he held with the two boys. He was panting harshly as if he'd run several laps around the entire school. Blood ran from his nose as he backed away from them. "Took you bloody long enough!" He said before falling forwards, landing hard on his knees and elbows, blood dripping down onto the shiny floor of the room of requirement. His head pounded furiously, and he felt like he was going to be sick. Had that taken much longer, he would have had no choice but to let go. 

James blinked a few times, as the Room of Requirement came into focus, and he saw Snape doubled over on the floor, looking like he'd just run a marathon, contracted a nasty stomach virus, and gotten punched in the face all at the same time.

"Oh, sure," James muttered. "Because it's our fault you just had to teach that lesson in a way that puts the most possible strain on your magic..."

He couldn't help but feel a certain measure of respect that Snape had even managed to project that illusion into their heads in the first place, let alone keep it going for so long... But he really didn't appreciate Snape rummaging around in their heads in the first place. What if he'd messed something up in there?

James sighed. Snape didn't really look like he was in any condition to deal with their objections right now. 

"I didn't say it was your fault now did I?" He asked, his hand moving up to the floor, one elbow still on the ground, though he made no move to push himself off the floor as more blood ran down onto the floor. He started feeling dizzy, a cold sweat breaking out over his entire body. He felt far too warm, and felt his stomach turning in knots. Before he could even process what was happening, what little he'd eaten that day wound up on the floor. Mostly liquid from the water he'd been drinking all day, but it was sill unpleasant coming up. 

James winced as Snape threw up. He waited until Snape was done, and then used a quick vanishing spell to clean up the mess on the floor. There was no way Snape would willingly show any kind of weakness in front of him... so he may have been even worse off than he was letting on. That was a worrisome thought.

Grudgingly, James walked over to him, and offered him a hand. "Think you'll be able to walk to the Hospital Wing?" 

Severus rested his head on his arm, trying to regain his breath. "Give me a minute. I'll go back to my room in a bit. There's no one in the hospital wing anyway." He said, his vision starting to blur. Perhaps he should have let go of the connection sooner. He felt like his head was imploding and his body burning from the inside out. His chakra network was fried, that much he knew. He'd have to go easy on his magic for the next few days. Luckily his last exam had been this morning. 

He stayed like that for a few more moments before he rolled over and laid on his back on the floor. 

"Like hell you will," James said, crossing his arms. He couldn't bloody well leave him unattended in this state. "You're getting help, you stubborn bastard."

He looked over at McFagan. "Think you could find out if there's anyone in the infirmary?"  
It would be better to find out if anyone was actually there to help before James went around dragging Snape all over the castle. 

"There isn't. The only ones here, are us ... And Dumbledore ... Just help me get back to the Slytherin common room. All I need is some rest. I used up way to much of my chakra. I keep forgetting I'm not thir-" he paused when he remembered Marcus was in the room. "I just have to keep training is all ... I'm not at where I thought I'd be ... I'll be fine I just ... need some sleep." He said rolling onto his side and slowly pushing himself into a sitting position. 

"Alright," James said, a little reluctantly.

It was strange, really. Snape had been so damn insistent on James not pushing himself too far... and yet seemed to have very little concern for his own limitations. And people say I'm reckless? Still, Snape was the chakra expert here. If he said all he needed was rest, he was probably right.

He held out a hand to help Snape up. He glanced at McFagan, wondering whether he'd be willing to keep an eye on Snape once they got to the Common Room. But McFagan was no doubt just as irritated with Snape as James was, and hadn't exactly signed up for babysitting Snape. 

Severus allowed James to help him up and take him to the common room. James helped him into bed, which was more of a surprise for him. He expected the boy to just deposit him in the common room, and make him get to his room on his own. But he didn't. Once he was on the bed, on top of the blankets Severus sighed, leaning against the headboard. 

"Alright .... you passed both tests. I'll give you that." He said, knowing James would be confused about the second test. He ran his hand under his nose which was still bleeding. 

James was surprised at how easily Snape accepted his help. He'd really expected him to make some attempt to push him away, to insist that he was fine... Not that it would have fooled anyone. From the look of him right now, Snape looked like he might pass out at any moment. Leaving him to his own devices wasn't an option. 

At least he wasn't making a big deal out of it.

He frowned at that statement. "What do you mean, 'both tests'?" he asked. Was Snape talking about yesterday as well? Or was he just really out of it from exhaustion? 

Snape laughed. "Bringing me back here was your second test. I should fail you on account of the fact that you didn't take me to the hospital wing per your instincts. But you helped me back here, despite the fact that you don't like me. And despite my current condition was self-inflicted." He said, remaining sitting against the headboard. With his nose still bleeding it wasn't a good idea to lie down. 

James stared at him incredulously. "You're ridiculous, you know that? Seriously, is anything ever not a test with you? Do you ever just have normal human interactions?"

Snape's nosebleed still showed no signs of stopping. James sighed and handed him a handkerchief. 

Severus laughed. "Yes ... I do." He said taking the handkerchief from him. "But it's not like you two are my friends is it? You're my team mates, but I still don't like you ... nor you me ... That's not about to change any time soon. What we're about to face is serious. And I will take your training seriously on the condition you do. I won't be able to use my magic again for a few days, so I want you to go to the room of requirement and see if you can reach my mark I left for you on that pillar. Honestly, you'll be a good leader, but you're a slow learner." He said, though he knew he wasn't. He just wanted James' anger and annoyance to make him more focused on his training. There was time for anger, and if that anger motivates you so long as it is not consuming, it can be an asset. 

A slow learner?Really?After all of that?

He rolled his eyes. "A few days? I'll reach that mark by sundown." Maybe, by the time Snape had fully recovered, James might even surpass that goal. That would show him.

James turned to go. "If there's nothing else you need, I'll leave you to your scheming. Get some rest, you manipulative bastard." 

Snape laughed again. "Manipulative bastard I may be, but at least my scheming is for your side!" Snape said wiping the last of the blood from his face and tossing the cloth onto the table. He gingerly moved from the bed and pulled the blanket down before crawling underneath it. It had been a long time since he'd been this tired, but his chakra needed to be replenished, and he'd used far too much energy.


	31. Hard News to Swallow

Chapter 31

The news had hit Lily hard. Sure, she knew her mum was stubborn, and probably should have gone to the doctor earlier, just in case, just to take care of herself... but the possibility that something could actually be seriously wrong had never seemed real. The past couple of days had been difficult for everyone. Lily had tried to be as helpful and calm and cheerful as possible, to be brave for mum and to keep up hope... but it was all external, a mask, an act. Underneath, she felt so useless. What was the point of studying magic if she couldn't even fix this? Petunia had asked her that directly. At least she'd had the decency to do so out of their parents' hearing. Lily couldn't blame her, really. It was just the fear talking. The same fear weighed down on Lily constantly, oppressive and crushing. She hadn't slept at all the past couple of nights. The worry just wouldn't go away.

When Severus arrived, Lily ran to the door to answer it. She'd felt a great deal of anxiety about this; she knew she didn't want to tell him during exams. A part of her felt like she shouldn't burden Sev with this at all... But he cared about Mrs. Evans as much as anyone did. He had a right to know. Lily would have to refrain from venting her concerns to him; he'd have his own worries. At the same time, though, it would be a relief just to see him. 

Severus took a deep breath as he stood outside the Evans' home. He knew what was waiting for him inside. He knew what the news was, he knew Mrs. Evans was going to die. But he wasn't there the first time. The first time he could at least pretend that it didn't happen. He'd been so far removed from their family, that when it happened, the blow had been a bit more dull. But now .... He had to be strong for Lily though ... It was her mother after all. 

He took another deep breath and knocked on the door. 

Lily opened the door to let Severus in. She looked up at him, full of conflicting emotions. There was an almost tangible feeling of relief just at the sight of him, knowing he was there. But how was that fair to him? It wasn't as if he'd have the answers to make everything better, nor should she expect him to. At the same time, a part of her wanted to tell him to turn around and run away, so he wouldn't have to know, so she wouldn't have to see the look on his face when he found out.

Lily swallowed. "Hi, Sev," she said quietly. "You... um... got my letter?" 

Severus nodded. "Yes. How is she?" He asked as he stepped into the house and removed his jacket. 

"She's... well, she's doing okay for now," Lily said. "She's been kind of taking things in stride... though we really don't know that much just yet."

Mr. Evans emerged into the hallway. "Severus," he nodded.

This had to be difficult for Severus, revisiting the same events again... It was difficult for everybody, really. Even though Mr. Evans had known from Severus's warning that this was coming, hearing it from a doctor somehow made it horribly real. He wondered if Severus felt the same way now.

Heather stepped out of the living room, her expression brightening slightly when she saw him, though her eyes still looked somewhat troubled. She had deemed it best that the boy hear it from her... but there was still no easy way to talk about this, and she hated to make people worry. "Hello, Severus. How was your week at Hogwarts?" 

"Long .... Too long for a summer vacation." He said with a slight laugh, trying to keep the mood a little light despite what he was about to hear. He followed them all into the living room and sat down on the couch. "Exams where easy enough ... except one question, I swear they put on there just so I'd get something wrong. I doubt even the Professor would know the answer to it." It was true, in his fifteen years of teaching Potions, he'd never once encountered a question like that, or a situation that related to it. "Other than that, week hasn't been bad. Did a lot of practice. James Potter showed up to talk to Dumbledore and wound up staying the week as well so we did some training together." He said, keeping it vague because Mrs. Evans didn't know about their little group or the upcoming war. 

Lily, sitting on the couch next to Severus, glanced over at him in surprise at the mention of James Potter. Severus and Potter had been training together for a whole week, and managed not to kill each other? She'd have to ask him how that had gone later. At least it would give them something else to talk about.

"Sounds like you've certainly been busy," Mrs. Evans smiled. "Though I'm not at all surprised you found your exams easy. When do you expect your scores back?" 

"August first. If I passed then Dumbledore will have me returning to Hogwarts until the last week of summer to help Professor McGonagall with class preparations and a bit of training." He said, wishing they would just tell him what was going on already. In his first life, he didn't know how Mrs. Evans died, other than she had cancer. He felt like he had a giant rock in his stomach waiting for them to tell him, and here they were talking about his schooling. 

Lily sat quietly next to Severus throughout this conversation, preoccupied. Everyone was trying to keep the tone light. Mrs. Evans probably didn't want to just throw this information at him when he first walked in the door... but Lily could tell Severus had already picked up that something was wrong. She could practically feel the worry radiating off of him. Despite everyone's best efforts, tension hung in the room.

"That's good," Mrs. Evans said. She was quiet for a long moment. There was really no good way to say this. Finally, she said: "I suppose... Lily's told you that we went to see the doctor?"  
She looked across at him, wondering how much he had figured out already.

Severus sat there, his face blank as she spoke. He nodded slowly, knowing what was coming. Braving himself for the impact. 

Heather felt terrible about this. Severus had already been through so much this summer. They'd done everything they could to make this house a refuge for him, a sanctuary from all of that. He shouldn't have to put on a brave face here. But he still had to find out sooner or later.

"There’s really no way to dance around the subject, or say it without being blunt …” She paused a moment and took a deep breath. “I have cancer," she said quietly. "They... don't know yet how far it's spread, so they'll be running some more tests over the next couple of weeks."

"They have reason to believe, though," said Mr. Evans, looking steadily at Severus. "That they caught it fairly early."

He wanted Severus to know that. That he'd done everything he could, and that the course of events could still change. He needed to believe that himself.

Lily remained quiet, sitting stiffly and looking down at her hands folded in her lap, listening to her mother break the news all over again. It had been so hard the first time, and hearing it again … 

She glanced over at Severus, then looked away again. That was the last thing Severus needed, everyone staring at him waiting for his reaction. She wasn't going to do that to him. She wished her hands would stop shaking. 

Severus stared blankly, his entire body feeling numb. "I see." He said quietly, not really sure how else to act. It was devastating really. The fact that he saw it coming meant nothing when it came down to actually hearing the news.

Lily took Severus's hand in hers, and held it tight. She wasn't sure whether she was trying to comfort him, or seeking comfort herself. Maybe both. Or maybe it was just an instinctive reaction. Severus may not have said much, but she knew what he was feeling.

Standing in the living room doorway, Petunia had to bite her tongue to keep from lashing out in front of her mother. 'I see'? That's all he had to say? After everything their family had done for him? Petunia knew he was an utter freak, but he could at least show some human emotion! It was like he didn't even care. It took absolutely all of Petunia's restraint to wait; she'd rant at him for it later. Even if Snape was an ungrateful, freakish miscreant, Petunia wasn't going to upset her mother by fighting in front of her.

Heather understood. This wasn't easy to process. There really was no good way to respond. The whole thing was too overwhelming. Truth be told, when she stopped to think about it for long enough, it terrified her. "The doctors working with me have been very helpful and informative, so... I'm in good hands." She hated having to say that, needing to be taken care of. And that was only going to get worse. But she was determined to be as positive about the situation as possible. What else could she do? "Anyway," she said calmly. "They're doing everything possible, and I don't want anyone brooding over it. But... I just thought you should know."

She stood up. "I'll just... let you get settled in, alright?" 

"I'm sorry Mrs. Evans ... I ... I don't know what to say." He said. He'd been thinking about it since he told Mr. Evans, wondering how he would react. But now that it came to it, his mind went blank. Mr. Evans stood up and followed Mrs. Evans into the kitchen taking Petunia with him. 

Severus sat back against the couch and looked at Lily. "Are you okay?" He asked quietly, knowing her parents and sister where still in the other room. "Do you want to go upstairs to talk?" 

Lily looked back at Severus and paused for a moment, her hand still absently holding his, and then nodded. "Yes," she said quietly. "Let's do that."

She didn't want to spend another minute in the living room, that conversation still hanging in the air, just as it had when she'd first heard the news herself. Funny how it never seemed to get any better. Once the numbness of shock wore off, hearing it again just made it all the more horrifyingly real. But if Severus thought talking would help, maybe it would do them both some good.

She stood up shakily, and led the way upstairs, gripping the railing harder than she normally would. At the top of the stairs, she turned to him and said quietly: "It's okay that you didn't know what to say. She still knows you care." 

"I know ..." He said quietly as they entered her room. He sat down on the floor against the long dresser. He looked down at the floor, refraining from sneering at the letter that sat under her side dresser. This wasn't the time to think about this. "There really isn't anything you can say .... Besides ... Your dad said they caught it early. Maybe she'll beat it. I mean, your mom’s pretty tough." He said watching her. 

Lily sat down on the floor across from Severus, her back against the bed.

"I hope so," Lily said, looking over at him. "She's not going to just give up or anything, and her chances are as good as anyone's, right?"

A hint of desperation had crept into her voice. She'd been clinging to whatever hope she could find. But it wasn't as if Severus could answer that question any better than she could.  
She rubbed at her temples absently. She'd started to get headaches from tension and lack of sleep.  
"I just... hate that there's nothing I can do," she said quietly. 

Severus sighed and moved over to sit next to Lily. He watched her a moment before he leaned forward and hugged her. He was never one to cry, but he felt like he was going to. But he couldn't, not now ... He had to be strong for Lily. He just had to remember that to him, in his previous life time, Mrs. Evans had died almost twenty years ago. 

But she wasn't now ... She was alive. 

Lily didn't expect Severus to have the answers to her worries. He probably felt just the same way she did. Somehow, though, it was oddly comforting that he was just here. She looked over at him as he moved over to sit next to her. For a moment, he looked almost as if he might cry, but then he hugged her instead.

Right now, Lily didn't want to question or complicate the gesture. She wrapped her arms around him and held him tight, resting her head against him.

Almost too quiet to hear, she whispered, "I'm scared." 

Severus rested his chin lightly as he hugged her. "I know ... I wish there was something I could do for you." He said quietly. "Hey ... how about before the summer vacation is over, I take you and your family out to dinner. Have a nice get together before we go back to school." He said pulling away from her just slightly. He still hugged her but it was loose, and it allowed him to look down at her. 

Lily looked up at him, surprised. "You...you don't have to do something like that, Severus."  
With everything Severus was dealing with already, it was bad enough to have to burden him with her worries on top of that. He shouldn't feel obligated to do anything for them. 

"I know I don't have too, but I want to. Besides ... You still owe me a dinner date." He said with a bit of a laugh, playfully elbowing her. 

Lily elbowed Severus back, smiling a little in spite of everything. "Don't worry," she told him. "I haven't forgotten." She was grateful, really, to have Sev there, and to feel a little better about things, even for a moment.

"Well isn't this cute." Petunia said from the doorway. "Moms dying and you're up her laughing and snogging with your boyfriend. You make me sick. But then, I suppose now that you have your magical world, your family no longer matters." 

At Petunia's interruption, Lily glared up at the doorway in anger. "Shut up," she said quietly, fighting back the urge to shout at her. Except for refraining from vicious remarks when mum was around, Petunia had gotten steadily worse over the past couple of days. Lily knew Petunia was scared and worried too, but there was only so much more of this that she could take. "Don't say she's dying. We don't know that yet, she can still fight this. And if family matters to you, maybe you can try acting civil for a change." 

"I do act civil to my family!" She said snootily. "Why don't you just take your freak boyfriend and go back to your freak school and leave us to our normal life!" Petunia asked. It was all Severus could do to keep his mouth shut. 

Lily stood up, seething with anger.

"Why don't you just get out of my room and mind your own business!" Lily snapped, furious and hurt. "Instead of making everything about you and your drama and your obsessive quest for stupid, perfect, boring normality! And stop lecturing me about family! You don't even know the meaning of the word!" 

"You're just as pathetic as he is ... Look at him. Look at what moms going through and all he says is 'I see'? He likes to pretend he's part of this family because his own doesn't want him, but he doesn't care! He doesn't care about any of us, except you. He just can't wait to stick his dick inside you! That's all he wants ... Why don't you just give him a good fuck and he can leave us alone like a good little dog!" Petunia said, sneering at Snape as if she wanted to whack him on the nose like the dog she saw him as. 

Enraged, Lily lunged forward and shoved Petunia, harder than she should have, hard enough to make her fall over. Right now, she didn't care. It was only the thought of how upset their mother would be that kept Lily from just flat out punching Petunia in the face.

"I said get out of my room!" she shouted. "I'm sick of the way you talk to him! You think Severus doesn't care, but at least he's here! Why hasn't your stupid, normal Vernon bothered to drop by when you need him?! Stop acting so bloody superior!"

Lily realized she'd probably gone too far, her words were probably more hurtful than she'd intended, but they poured out anyway, bitter with all of the emotion she'd kept bottled up for some time. 

Severus had enough. He stood up and moved towards Lily. "Give me a moment." He said as Lily backed away from her sister. "Can I speak to privately?" He said taking Petunia's arm and dragging her down the hall way. "Thanks." He said shoving her into her bedroom and closing the door, knocking her unceremoniously on the floor. 

"Good luck with that," Lily muttered as Severus dragged Petunia off to go talk to her. It was a lost cause. Hadn't Severus known this family long enough to know there was no reasoning with Petunia? Then again... Lily realized her hands were clenched into fists, and she was still shaking with anger. Maybe Severus had the right idea putting some distance between her and Petunia right now.

Petunia gaped at Severus in shock as he grabbed her and shoved her into her room. Then she stood up, crossed her arms and sneered at him. "Don't try anything, freak," she snapped. Who even knew what this delinquent weirdo was capable of? "Just because my sister's so desperate for attention that she'll put up with you, doesn't mean you can just go around grabbing people." 

Severus wasn't even in the mood for this. He shut the bedroom door, using a bit of magic to lock the door. It wasn't a major spell, the ministry wouldn't even detect it. He looked at her and resorted to his teacher tone, the one he knew terrified his students. "Miss. Evans ... sit ... down." He said pointing to her bed as he sat down on a chair that was by her vanity. "Now ..." He said crossing his arms over his chest. "I've locked the door, you will not escape, nor will anyone hear you .... now, you are seventeen years old .... By Wizarding standards you are an adult, and by Muggle standards you will be an adult in a few months. So we are going to sit here, and talk like adults. Whether you like it, or not ... Now sit." 

Petunia looked at him as if he were a particularly disgusting and possibly venomous insect. "Are you threatening me?" she demanded. Nonetheless, she sat down, on the corner of the bed furthest from him. At least if he was sitting over there by the vanity, he wasn't about to try anything at the moment. Unless he did something with his freakish magic... after all, he'd already locked the door, and apparently sound-proofed the room. She glanced at the door. "Don't you people have laws about that?"  
She knew for a fact that underage wizards weren't supposed to use magic at home; otherwise, Lily was such a show-off there was no doubt she'd be running around turning teapots into frogs and pulling rabbits out of hats nonstop. 

"We do, but that law will be lifted from me in just a few days time. The ministry isn't monitoring me right now because they already have my exam scores. But that's not what I'm here to talk to you about. So you are going to sit there and listen to me, and you're going to listen to me good. Because if you do not change your attitude, you will regret it one day. One day you're going to look back at this and think about all the time you wasted all because your sister can do something you can't. My father is the same way as you ... Though more violent ... Do you know why my father hates me?" Severus asked but continued before she could answer. "He hates me because I'm not like him ... and he can't be like me ... It's very common among muggles to hate either siblings, or sons, or daughters, or wives, or husbands, just because of a simple thing like magic. So instead of embracing the fact that your sister has a gift, you hate her for it. Because it's something you can't do .... Yes, I will admit I saw your letter back in the first year. But you must admit, you didn't hide it now did you?" He asked. 

"I didn't come in here to fight .... but your sister loves you ... Your sister looks up to you ..." He said calmly and seriously. "And your mother really needs your support right now. I reacted the way I did, because I do care about your mother, contrary to what you believe. I'm just not the type to cry in front of people, but I will openly admit, that I probably will later, because I care about your mom as much as I care about my own." 

"Your mother was kind enough to take me in when no one else would. Your mother and your sister have the most amazing ability to see the best in people, and the reason your sister even still talks to you, is because she still sees the best in you. You can't tell me that you don't remember all those times you played when you were kids. You two were like best friends, and suddenly now that she can do something you can't, it's all being thrown away?" He asked. 

"I would kill to have a family like yours ... To have both my parents get along, and to have a brother or sister that cares about me. But I don't ....you do. And it kills me that you're throwing that away. Now I'm not going to tell you what to do, or how to act, and I certainly know we have never been on the best of terms ....but given the situation, I think we all need to grow up a little, put aside our petty differences, and think about what we're doing .... Because your mother needs us, and your sister needs you. It shouldn't be me in there comforting her, you should be in there comforting each other. Because as you said, as blunt as you put it, your mother is dying ... I'm not going to colour coat it for you. In this day and age, there is no cure for cancer ... not in the muggle world or the wizarding world ....so this time that you have left with her, is what really matters. Not this petty squabble you have .....that is nothing. That is foolishness, and childishness taking over ..." He said watching Petunia. 

"Now, you have a decision to make .... whether you are going to be here with your family .... truly ... with your family. Or whether you want to keep pushing it away. If I where you ... The latter wouldn't even be an option."

Petunia glared at Severus as he spoke. If he thought he could just come in here and tell her how to behave, he had another thing coming. Who did he think he was, accusing her of jealousy?! So what if precious, oh-so-special Lily got to go spend all of her time at her fancy, top-secret magic school full of freaks? Who would want that anyway? Petunia scowled. How dare he compare her to his drunk, degenerate, no-good father! 

But she listened, nonetheless. Petunia was a far better listener than people gave her credit for, even when people didn't know she was there. She could pick up information to use again later. Maybe she would never have Lily's pretty features or her freakish talent, but at least people could always come to Petunia to hear the latest gossip. That was something.

She scoffed at his claim that Lily looked up to her. Lily hadn't looked up to her in years, ever since she'd first gone off to that school. There wasn't a thing Lily could learn from Petunia anymore. Lily had a whole freakish, weird, incomprehensible wizarding world to explore, and Petunia didn't understand any of it. And now Lily had brought her freakish friend into the house, and everyone just accepted him as if he belonged here, it was clear that they all found even this stray, moody, misfit, greasy, freakish loner more likable than Petunia was. Hearing this lecture from Severus now was just all the more infuriating... but at least he was talking to her like she was a reasonable person. No one else seemed to. 

She stared at him for a long moment, then said coldly: "It all looks so easy from the outside, doesn't it? I don't even know how to talk to her anymore." She paused, then said: "So it's true, then, what Lily said? You people don't have a cure either? I mean, you'd know about it if there were, wouldn't you? With all of your advanced tests, you're some kind of freak genius or whatever, right? And there's still nothing you can do? What's the point?"

She'd thrown that same words in Lily's face the day before, but this time, she asked it as an honest question, her voice empty of malice. 

"Medicine and the human body are very complicated things Petunia .... No one in the world understands it fully. Cancer isn't really something anyone understands either. It's really the body trying to advance to quickly, and the body unable to handle it. It's our bodies evolving really ... And I know it's really hard. Especially when you have no one to talk to. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that Vernon isn't doing a very good job 'understanding' is he. It's why he isn't here." He said knowing Vernon a lot better than Petunia thought he did. "Perhaps that's another thing you should be thinking about. 

"I know you don't know how to talk to her anymore, it's because you've been pushing her away for so long. But I think if you get down to it, you're both still those same little girls you used to be that enjoy playing with dolls." He said with a soft smile. 

"Why don't you go in there, apologize for your behavior and just ask her a simple question .... 'Can we start over?' ... Because that's really all you need to do. Lily wants her sister back, and if you are willing to try ... then so will she. Believe me I've been putting up with her at school for who knows how long, she can be right moody when she's angry, we both know that ....but if you sit down and apologize, be the bigger man so to speak and take the first step ... she'll follow suite. You're her big sister right? Show her what's right. 

"And you may not see it, but she does still need you .... There's a lot of things we don't learn in the wizarding world .... We learn how to do magic, just as your school teaches you how to do math, and science, and all that stuff that muggles learn in school. But your education doesn't define nor take away from who you are ... That is what you can teach her ... to be there for her. To help each other really. There's more to life than just school, and it's all almost over now. You're done next year, and Lily's going to be done in a few years too. And if you fix this now, think of all the things you'll get to be involve with. She'll be at your wedding, you'll be at hers, you'll raise your kids at the same time, and you'll be a huge part of that. Just as she'll be a big part of your life. Because I know you both want that ....but you're not allowing yourselves too. 

"Again, I'm not going to tell you what to do .... but at least think about it .... think about all the things you'll be missing out on .... and if that's really what you want." He said standing up and heading towards the door. 

Petunia stared at him. Where was all this even coming from? Who did he think he was, a relationship counselor? She couldn't deny his assessment of Vernon... but she wasn't about to go and break up with him just because of that. Even in moments when she had her doubts about Vernon, Petunia didn't exactly think she could do better.

But still, could she really start things over with Lily that easily? They didn't even have any of the same interests anymore. But he was right; they needed each other now more than ever. Their mother had been doing most of the work to hold this family together, and with her dying... they weren't going to make it through this without each other. Lily didn't seem to want anything to do with Petunia these days, but if Severus said she wanted her sister back... well, Severus was the one Lily confided in, wasn't he? He would know. Unless it was all some vindictive prank to get Petunia to make a fool of herself... but that didn't seem to be what was going on here. The way Severus was talking, Petunia just couldn't hold on to that particular suspicion. He could, however, be trying to get Petunia into his good graces, so that it would be easier for him to get together with Lily. That seemed a lot more likely. 

"I'll talk to her," Petunia said, her voice neutral. It was worth a try. 

Severus nodded to her and out of the room. He saw Lily sitting in her room and knew Lily saw him, but he didn't go there. He headed past her door and down the stairs to talk to Mr. and Mrs. Evans for a while, allowing Petunia to talk to her sister. 

Petunia sat in her room for a few minutes before she stood up. Why was she even listening to that freak? She wondered. Why did she even say she'd talk to her sister. All that was going to happen was they'd start fighting again and she'd wind up going off flaunting her magic or something. Petunia sighed and walked into the hall before heading to her sisters room. 

"Hey ..." She said quietly, her lips pursed. 

Lily was sitting on the bed, trying to calm herself down. She looked up as Severus walked by, but he just headed down the stairs. She wondered what that was about, what he'd said to Petunia, whether he'd actually managed to make any progress. Not likely. Petunia had only two moods: vindictive and sullen. And neither of those was contusive to a rational discussion. Once Petunia had judged someone, there was no changing her mind. Lily wondered whether she should go downstairs with him, or give him a little space. He might need a moment to recover after putting up with Petunia.

She looked up as Petunia showed up again in the doorway.

"What do you want?" Lily said, still angry. 

Petunia stared at her and for a brief moment wanted to insult her and walk away. But no .... Severus had been right. Enough was enough ... it was time she be the older sister, and act like one. "I ...... I came here to apologize." She said huffily, staring at the ground. "I had a talk with your fre- ... With your boyfriend and .... well ....he's right ... It's about time we both did some growing up. He said you'd take me back ....if I apologized so ..... so there's your apology." Petunia said, not being very used to apologizing. 

Lily stared at Petunia.

This... was not the sister Lily knew and had been putting up with for years. For one insane moment, she wondered if Severus had snapped and done something to affect Petunia's behavior. But there was no way he would go so far as to use an Imperius curse, and Petunia's apology was too awkward to be anything but genuine. Was there some obscure potion to make people uncharacteristically apologetic? If there was, Severus would know about it... or perhaps he even had the skill to invent it himself. Still, he'd put up with Petunia's nasty comments for years. Why would that change now?

On the other hand, since when had Petunia ever listened to reason? That didn't seem likely to change either.

"Um..." Lily said uncertainly. "Are you alright?" 

Petunia looked annoyed. "Well are you going to accept my apology or not?!" Petunia asked, annoyed that Lily was changing the topic. 

And there was the Petunia that Lily recognized.

"Yes," she said quickly, afraid to lose the moment. If this really was a chance to have her sister back, to return to the way things were before she'd changed, she couldn't afford to let that opportunity get away. She doubted there would be another chance like this again.

She stood up and took a step toward Petunia, then paused, awkward and uncertain. What was going to happen now? Would they hug and be the best of friends from now on, or just be coolly civil? They'd been fighting so bitterly for so many years now. It wasn't as if they could just pretend it all never happened.

"I just... didn't expect it, that's all. And..." She should probably apologize for retaliating too. As justified as Lily still felt, she really had gotten a little out of line. "I shouldn't have said what I did about Vernon," she said quietly. "So... I'm sorry too."

She looked back at her sister, trying to read her expression, looking for some clue where to go from here. 

Petunia looked away from her sister. "As much as I hate to say it .... I think you're both right. Both mom and dad have said as much, then you ... now you're boyfriend ... It's just ....he looks at me. You know?" She said. "He looks at me and he sees me ... or at least ... I think he does ... He likes spending time with me." She said sounding more defeated the more she spoke. She loved Vernon. But ... the more people talked about him, the more she could see herself just ....settling. "I'm not special like you Lily. I'm not pretty. I don't have any talent ... I'm not going to do any better. It's not like you and lover boy down stairs. You two have so much in common, you get along great. I can see you two having a happy life together ... but .... I'm not you Lily ... I'm just .... I'm normal. And I like being normal. But, it's hard finding a normal guy." 

Lily looked at Petunia as if seeing her for the first time. She couldn't remember the last time Petunia had ever confided in her about anything. She must have needed really badly to talk to someone... apparently Vernon wasn't up to it. That... saddened Lily. Sure, she found Vernon agonizingly boring, but at least he'd seemed to suit Petunia's taste for the mundane. They'd seemed to fit each other. But, now that she thought about it, when Vernon had come over he'd just talked and talked even when he had nothing remotely interesting to say. If he was always like that, how could anyone have a real conversation with him? Let alone a relationship. But... Petunia had friends, didn't she? People she went to school with? Neighbors? People she deemed sufficiently normal, who gossiped with her and traded secrets? But then, if all they did was talk about people behind their backs, that wasn't much to base a friendship on. Not when you actually needed someone to confide in.

Did Petunia really have no one?

For the first time, it finally struck Lily: Petunia was lonely. And, from the sound of it, she didn't seem to think much of herself. Severus had often told Lily that Petunia was just jealous of her, but Lily hadn't really believed it. Petunia had always given the impression of looking down on her for being different... had it all just been a pretense, a defense mechanism all along? 

"Petunia..." Lily said quietly. "There's nothing wrong with a normal guy, if that's what you want, but... you deserve to be happy, with someone who at least listens to you and is there for you. Don't you think you have a right to at least that?"

"Anyway," she added, glancing at the floor. "Severus is a friend. For now, anyway. It's complicated."  
It was awkward discussing that with Petunia, but while they were confiding in each other, Lily might as set Petunia straight on the subject. At first, she'd just thought Petunia was making those insinuations to mock them, but it seemed like she really did assume they were together... which could get awkward if Lily didn't correct her.

A part of her couldn't help but wonder, though, if Petunia of all people could see a future for them... what exactly did that mean? 

"I came in here to apologize, don't lie to me." She said. "I've seen you two, you've practically been dating since you met!" She said laughing 

Lily blinked. "But I'm not lying," she insisted. "I mean, yes it's a possibility we've discussed, but only recently. And obviously we've always been close, but we've just known each other so long it hadn't really occurred to me to think of him that way. Things are just... kind of uncertain right now."  
She frowned. "Wait... so, how long have things looked like that?" Had Petunia always assumed they were a couple? Who else thought that? 

Petunia pretty much laughed at her sister. "Everyone thinks so ... for quite a few years now." She said laughing slightly. "Mom and dad said it's only a matter of time before you tell them. Dad seemed a bit nervous about it recently, but I think he's come to terms with it." She said shrugging. "Personally, I frankly don't care whether you do or don't ... I think the guys a slime ball, you can do so much better. But then, You have a lot in common." 

Lily's face reddened. Mom and dad had thought that? Was she the only one who hadn't seen this coming?

She sighed, and rolled her eyes. "You'd think any guy I bring home is a slime ball," she pointed out.  
Which made it all the weirder that Petunia would admit they had a lot in common. Lily didn't know what to make of that at the moment, but it was certainly something to think about later.  
"For the record," Lily added, looking Petunia in the eyes. "I think you could do better than Vernon." 

Petunia scoffed. "No I can't .... I'm ugly and normal. No one wants anything to do with me. I'm lucky to have Vernon." She said, though it sounded more like she was trying to convince herself. 

Lily stared. "Yes," she insisted. "You can. And you're not ugly, okay? I don't know who told you that, but they're wrong. Look, if Vernon's really what makes you happy, that's your own business, and I'll stay out of it. But if he doesn't listen and understand, then that's not enough. If you're just with him because you think you can't do better, you're just trapping yourself into settling for disappointment. You deserve better than that." 

Petunia looked at her. "Yeah ... and you deserve to give it a chance. I didn't like him, I still don't ... but he's matured a lot. Last summer he never would have spoken to me like that before. It's like he's grown into an entirely different person over the past year. Apparently in a positive way. Now don't take this as a 'I'll start being nice to him.' Because I won't, I still don't like him but .... You do." 

Lily stared, stunned that Petunia would say that. After all the horrible things Petunia had said to and about Severus, even though she still clearly disliked him... she thought Lily should go for it? This whole conversation was just getting more and more bizarre. Of course, Petunia didn't know about the wizarding politics involved, or about the dark path Severus had been heading down over the past year or so... but maybe that was for the better. From the outside, Petunia's only biases against Severus were personal, not social. And when Lily took a step back from the issue, did the mistakes he'd made really matter? Severus had burned all his bridges; there was no going back, even if he wanted to.  
So what was holding Lily back? She didn't want to risk losing him as a friend... but after what their friendship had already survived, was that really likely? What was she still afraid of?

"He... has matured a lot," Lily admitted, glancing at the floor. She shrugged. "I don't know. I'll figure things out." She smiled slightly, then added. "And don't worry, I don't expect you to start being all friendly and cheerful all of a sudden. If you did, I'd have to ask who you are and what you did with my sister." 

"Yeah well ... We'll want to keep up appearances, right?" She said rolling her eyes before standing up. "Go find out what kind of trouble your boyfriends gotten into. He's probably telling dad about his weird pickled lizard collection or something." She said before leaving the room and heading back to her own. 

Lily laughed at that slightly. She had to wonder how Petunia would react if she ever saw the inside of The Apothecary. 

"It... was good talking to you," she said quietly, as Petunia left. It had been years since she'd given up hope of having her sister back, the way they used to be when they were kids. It might feel like the world was crumbling around them, but at least there was that. And she owed it to Severus. 'Mature' didn't even begin to cover it; there was no way the old Severus would have been patient enough to reason with Petunia. She had to wonder what he could possibly have said.

Lily stood up, and made her way downstairs to join Severus and her parents.


	32. A Light in the Darkness

Chapter 32

August First came quickly and Severus moved down the stairs for breakfast. He was in a surprisingly good mood. Petunia hadn't talked to him since they talked in her room, which Severus really didn't care. At least the dirty looks and bitter angry remarks stopped. Mrs. Evans had had two more appointments since Severus returned home, both seemed positive. Unless they were hiding it from the three kids. He moved into the kitchen, pulling his jean jacket on. 

"You took your time." Petunia said playing with her cereal with her spoon before taking a bite. Severus ignored her as he sat down, wondering why she was suddenly talking to him. 

Mr. Evans handed him an envelope. "Came in the mail for you early this morning." He said as Severus took the envelope. 

Lily entered the kitchen after Severus, glancing at Petunia, unsure why she had broken her recent silence toward Severus. Though by no means polite, the remark contained none of Petunia's previous bitterness. It didn't seem to particularly phase Severus, anyway. For Petunia, it was almost civil.

As Severus took the envelope, Lily looked up at him. "Is it your scores?" she asked quietly, internally nervous on his behalf. Logically, there was no reason why Severus shouldn't have amazing scores. But he'd worked so hard for this, and seemed to want it so much, and so deeply deserved for something to actually go right for him this summer, that Lily couldn't help but feel anxious. 

Severus shrugged and opened the letter, his eyes skimming the page. 

Astronomy - O  
Charms - O  
DADA - O  
Herbology - O  
Transfiguration - O  
History of Magic - E  
Apparation - O  
Alchemy - O  
Ancient Runes - A

He feigned disappointment. They didn't know his marks, they hadn't read the letter yet. "I failed." He said quietly. 

Mr. Evans looked shocked. How was that possible? Had it simply been too many years since Severus had studied some of these subjects? Had he forgotten more than he'd realized? Or perhaps been distracted by everything else that had been going on, preparing for this wizarding resistance, worrying about Heather's health, dealing with his own family falling apart all over again, and then... whatever had made him run off and sleep in the park for a few days right before going to Hogwarts. Mr. Evans sighed. "That's... I'm sorry, Severus. You did your best."

What was Severus supposed to do now? Agonize through another two years of classes well beneath his current education level, forced by the system to remain dependent when he had been a grown man for years? He'd go completely mad.

"What?" Lily stared in disbelief. There was no way Severus had failed; he knew this material, she was sure of it! And he'd been so confident after the exam. Surely he would have known if something was wrong... Unless... unless her letter about her mother had worried him, and he'd been distracted? She'd tried so hard to word it in a way that wouldn't cause him anxiety, but she hadn't exactly been thinking too clearly at the time... She shook her head. "That's impossible! There must be some mistake. Here, let me see that..."

She reached for the paper. 

Severus tried to hold the grin off his face as she took the paper out of his hand, despite the paper cut he now had on his finger, he found he couldn't stop the grin from coming to his face. 

Lily stared at the paper.

Seven Outstandings, an Excellent, and an Acceptable. She looked up at him, and shoved him in the arm, then broke into a grin in spite of herself. "You-“ Lily said starting to insult him before she shook her head. “Congratulations, Sev."

Mr. Evans sighed with relief. "You really had us there for a moment."

Severus laughed as he was almost shoved off his chair. "Look at how bad though ... An E and an A? What is that? That's such a disgrace." He said pouring himself some cereal. 

Lily laughed and rolled her eyes, pouring herself a glass of orange juice. "Overachiever," she said proudly. "Careful, someone might mistake you for one of us mere mortals," she teased. "We have to do something to celebrate." 

Severus laughed. "Well we wouldn't want that would we?" He asked. "According to Dumbledore's letter I'll be returning to Hogwarts tomorrow and remaining there until the week before classes start. So perhaps when I return I can take you all out to dinner?" He asked looking at Mrs. Evans. "Working man now, I gotta do something with my money." He said with a slight laugh. 

Mrs. Evans smiled. "That would be lovely," she said. Of course Severus didn't have to do that, but he didn't need to be told so. This was his way of celebrating his independence. It was clearly important to him. And it would be nice to go somewhere other than the hospital for a change, with all of the people she cared about most together.

"Sounds like a plan," said Lily. It was really great to see Severus so happy. And it would be good for her mom to spend some time outside the house for a little while and take her mind off of things. It would be good for everyone. 

The two weeks at Hogwarts went by quickly. Potter had long since returned home for the summer and it left Snape with little to do in the evenings. He decided to read up on the "white eyes" and put it into a bit of practice but to no avail. 

Before he knew it he was back at the Evans, feeling better than ever. 

Lily went to answer the door when Severus returned. "Hello there, Assistant Professor Snape," she grinned. "How were your first two weeks on the faculty?"

She used the title playfully for now, but once they returned to Hogwarts, there would have to be a certain degree of professional formality between them. It was a strange realization, and it wouldn't exactly make it any easier to figure things out. But it was worth it to see Severus achieving goals that mattered to him, building a life for himself.

"Uneventful, much as I expected. She tried to train me in a few things. She just got frustrated when she found out I already knew." He said with a chuckle. "Do you want to come to Diagon Alley with me sometime this week? Or have you already picked up your school supplies? I need to pick up new robes. My school uniform won't cut it anymore." 

Lily smiled at that; McGonnagall might have her work cut out for her to find something to challenge Severus. At least the demanding Transfiguration professor would have no complaints about her new teaching assistant. 

"Sure," Lily said. "Between one thing and another, I haven't made it to Diagon Alley yet this summer."  
She'd been trying to help out around the house as much as possible before she went off to Hogwarts, trying to make things a bit easier on her mother. Anyway, going with Severus would be more fun. 

Severus smiled and turned to Mrs. Evans who was sitting in the living room. "Hello Severus dear!" Mrs. Evans said as she stood to greet Severus. "I was just about to sit down to do some practice dear. Perhaps you'd like to join me later?" She asked. "I notice you had improved a lot the last time we played. I take it you were practicing at school?" 

Severus smiled. "I would love that Mrs. Evans." He said smiling. 

"Oh please Severus, how many times must I tell you to call me Heather?" She asked. Severus laughed. 

"At least once more, Mrs. Evans." He said following Lily upstairs. 

As she led the way up the stairs, Lily laughed slightly at the exchange between her mother and Severus. Somewhere along the line, Severus's voice had gotten a bit deeper, Lily realized. When had that happened, anyway? Probably so gradually she hadn't really noticed before. It was most noticeable in his laugh... maybe that was why it had just now come to her attention. For awhile, he hadn't really had much to laugh about. But the life he was building for himself now was so different from the one he'd been living just a year ago. There were plenty of things to worry about on the horizon, but for now, everything was good. The sound of the piano followed them up the stairs as her mother started playing.

Lily had to wonder whether what Petunia said was true, whether her parents really did think they were already together. If that was the case, her mother didn't seem to disapprove. Mrs. Evans had always been fond of Severus. And Lily's dad... well, even if he'd been a bit weird about things lately, he'd still been letting Severus stay with them, hadn't he? Still, it felt a little awkward that everyone but Lily seemed to figure it out before she did. Surely there was a reason for that? Maybe she was just dense.

"We should probably make a list," Lily said, heading to her room for paper and a pen. "Of things you'll need before we go back. So, new robes... Anything else you're running low on? Parchment? Quills?"

Severus laughed slightly as they went into her room. "No. All supplies are supplied by the school, under Professor McGonnagall's class budget. I need nothing else, unless I wish to buy my own potions ingredients. I might stop off at the apothecary, blow my entire pay on potions ingredients." He said with a laugh. He thought about making the wolfsbane for Lupin this year, so ingredients for that was on the top of his list. "So, just robes, and potions ingredients. I don't need to make a list, I'll grab what I think I'll need there. I can make other stops to Diagon Alley during the year if I need." He said sitting down on the floor against her bed. He glanced down and saw Potter's letter was gone. 

"So ... can we ... um ... talk about something. It's kind of been bugging me all summer." He said glancing up at her. 

Lily set the pen and paper aside. It looked like Sev had things well in hand.

"Um, sure," Lily said, sitting down next to Severus. "What's wrong?"

Was it about her lack of an answer so far? He'd respected her feelings and her uncertainty, and had given her space to decide for herself, without pressuring her. And as much as she appreciated that, it couldn't have been easy on him. 

Severus sighed. "I have a confession to make." He said sitting against the bed. "I know I said I don't want to pressure you into making a decision ... but .... I just want to know." He said staring at the floor. "Do I have a chance?" He asked, not wanting to look up at her. "I saw the letter you hid ... the one you got from Potter ... if ... if you'd rather be with him ... Then ... I'd rather know." He said quietly. 

"What?" Lily stared at him. She'd forgotten about that letter for weeks. It just hadn't been important at the time. If she hadn't found it under the dresser yesterday while cleaning, she wouldn't even know what he was talking about. "No, I don't want to be with Potter! And if I suddenly lost half my brain and decided otherwise, I'd at least give you an answer! What were you even doing snooping through my letters in the first place?" Letter or no letter, she was more than a little irritated that Severus would think that. Didn't he know her better? When had she ever shown any interest in Potter? 

She sighed. "Sev, I set the letter aside because I didn't want to deal with it at the time. That was when... when I didn't know where you were. The only reason it didn't end up in the trash was to remind me to send him a refusal later. And... I guess it must have fallen on the floor and ended up under the dresser. That's all."

Why was she feeling the need to explain herself? Severus should have known better than to go through her things like that, to invade the privacy of a letter he thought she'd intentionally hidden. Even though the letter hadn't actually meant anything to her, she was still angry about it. 

"I hadn't meant to snoop. When I was sitting on the floor here, I saw it when you went downstairs. I thought it was maybe something you'd dropped, I was going to put it back on your dresser. But I saw Potter's seal on it. I couldn't help ... I'm sorry." He said awkwardly. 

Lily sighed. She couldn't find it in her to stay angry about this. Not with Sev, anyway. Explained like that... well, he had still read it, but at least he hadn't been going through her things. 

"It's alright," she said. "I can see how that would happen. But... why didn't you say anything about it sooner? I mean, yeah I would have been a little mad that you read it, but if it's been bothering you that much..." 

"I don't know ... I figured it was none of my business." He said. "I didn't want the fact that I read that letter to influence anything." He said leaning back against the bed. "I just ... it was bothering me." 

Lily looked at him. Severus had thought it was none of his business what she decided... even if she decided on Potter? That was... beyond mature. Given how emotionally invested he was, it was borderline selfless. Lily took his hand in hers.

"Well, you don't have to worry about that, alright?" She reassured him. "And you definitely don't have to worry about Potter." 

Severus looked up at her as she took his thin hand in hers. "But I thought ..." He paused unsure of what to say. "Potter's letter ... I thought you were going to meet him. I mean, with this group he’s starting ... the resistance ... I thought maybe you saw him mature and would have went for ... for him instead. You're not even sure about me Lily. For all either of us know we'll just be friends." He said quietly. 

Lily shook her head. "Sev, just because Potter might be turning into a decent human being doesn't mean I'm suddenly going to have feelings for him. What kind of logic is that? It's not like he's the only one who's matured. And..." she didn't know what to say, how to make him understand. He wasn't entirely wrong. In a way, she was still unsure. What if they didn't work out as a couple? They'd come so close to losing their friendship before. She couldn't stand the idea of ruining it now. But... was anyone ever really sure whether things would work out?

"You're closer to me than anyone," she said quietly. "Whatever we are, we're not 'just' anything." 

She looked into his dark eyes for a moment longer.

How could she possibly know if she didn't try?

Lily leaned toward him and, before she could talk herself out of it, she kissed Severus gently on the lips. 

Severus froze as Lily kissed him. It was technically his first real kiss. He was so shocked he didn't even respond to the kiss at all and before his mind registered what to do, she'd already pulled away. 

"Uh - I ..uh ..." Severus stumbled for something to say, his eyes wide with shock. 

It was a short kiss, sort of trying the idea out. In that brief moment, it felt right somehow... Though Severus had been too stunned to return it. It suddenly occurred to her that, as far as she knew, Severus had never kissed anyone before. Lily's face reddened slightly. She probably should have given him some warning before she did that.

"Sorry if that was... um... a little sudden," she said, now a little nervous herself. She looked up at him. "I just... You've given me a lot of time to think about it, and... I think maybe we could give being more than friends a try."

She waited for him to say something. 

Severus continued to stare at her. "I- Uh ... Wothageshotha." He licked his lips and realized that wasn't exactly English. "I'm sorry ..." He paused and continued looking at her. "Really?" He asked, shocked. He had no idea what else to say and was completely aware he was acting like an idiot. 

"Yes," Lily laughed slightly. "Really."

Poor Severus looked like she'd just broken his brain. Had he been that convinced about the Potter thing that he'd ruled out the possibility? Or... or maybe that was how he'd managed to give her time and respect her decision, by mentally preparing himself for the worst-case scenario.

"I gave you a 'maybe' earlier, not a 'no,' remember?" she said playfully. "That generally means that 'yes' is still a possibility." 

Severus broke into the dopiest grin he'd ever given anyone, looking like a puppy that had been given the best treat he'd ever received. Before he could think about it, he leaned forward and kissed her again, this time semi mentally prepared for it.

Lily couldn't remember ever seeing Severus with such a big grin, not in all the years she'd known him. She put her arms around him and returned his kiss, her mouth moving against his, slowly at first, letting Severus get used to the feeling of it. 

Severus deepened the kiss, unthinking of what he was doing, his tongue slipping against her lips as he leaned into her. This was a dream come true. She said yes. She wanted to be with him. Or at least, give it a try. Give it a shot! He couldn't ask for more. Now all he had to do, was not botch the whole thing up! 

Lily was surprised at the confidence with which Severus slipped his tongue against her lips. Her lips parted obligingly, her tongue slipping through to meet his, and she leaned into him, running her hands over his back. 

Severus pushed them back until Lily was laying on her back on the floor, his hands moving down her sides as he kissed her, his mind fogged with teenage hormones he was no longer able to control. 

Lily felt Severus push against her, leaning her further and further back until she was on her back on the floor. She ran a hand up the back of Severus's neck and into his hair as she kissed him, feeling his hands move down her sides. 

Severus could feel himself swelling inside his pants and kept it away from her, knowing it would be moving way to fast. Heck, even kissing like this was maybe moving a bit fast. He could hear the piano downstairs still playing and knew that Mr. Evans would be home with Petunia any minute, but he found that he couldn't stop kissing her. He broke the kiss merely for breath before initiating another kiss. 

When Severus broke the kiss, Lily briefly wondered whether he was going to stop, but there was only time to gasp for breath before Severus kissed her again, and Lily deepened the kiss eagerly. Maybe this was intensifying a little faster than either of them had anticipated... but then, Lily wasn't sure what she'd thought would happen in the first place. And she definitely didn't want this to stop. They could figure out boundaries and comfort levels later. Right now, she knew they were both smart enough not to let things get too far. What they were doing now should be fine, though. They would be able to hear the piano stop or the front door open well before anyone could make it upstairs to interrupt them. 

Severus kissed her for a few more moments before he finally broke the kiss, realizing with his currently raging erection he might try to go a bit farther than he intended if he didn't stop. "I'm sorry ... I ... shouldn't gotten so carried away." He said though he didn't move from hovering over top of her. 

Lily looked up at Severus after he broke the kiss, her hands still resting on his shoulders. She shook her head. "Don't be sorry," she said. "I don't recall complaining." 

Severus smirked as he leaned down to kiss her once more gently. "Thank you." He said quietly. That dopy smile back on his face.

Lily returned Severus's gentle kiss. There was that smile again, and she couldn't help but smile back. She blushed slightly at his thanks, unsure what to say to that. She shrugged. "Thank you, Sev," she returned. "For being patient and letting me figure things out."

She ran a hand idly through Severus's hair. This closeness just felt so right. She didn't know why it had taken her so long to realize it.

"Thank you for giving me a chance." He said leaning forward to kiss her again. He paused when he heard the front door close and moved quickly to the bedroom door and silently pulled it open. He heard footsteps coming up the stairs and tossed Lily's potions text book to her and sitting down next to her to pretend he'd been helping her study. 

Lily embraced Severus as he leaned forward for another kiss, but then abruptly paused, listening intently as the front door opened downstairs. As soon as he was off of her, Lily quickly went back to sitting with her back against the bed, and caught the textbook Severus tossed her, opening it to a random page as Severus sat down next to her. 

Mr. Evans walked past the room as Severus pointed to something random in the book. He looked between the two and raised an eyebrow. "If you're trying to study .... you might want to have the book right side up." He said shaking his head at Severus, clearly not amused before he walked back downstairs, leaving the door open. 

Lily quietly turned the book right side up. There really wasn't anything she could say. Any explanation for why she could possibly be studying with an upside-down book would be farfetched and nonsensical. She could say it was a wizarding thing, but her father wouldn't fall for that. At least he didn't tell Severus to leave the room. But still, that disapproving look at Severus...

As Mr. Evans walked away, Lily's face burned with embarrassment. She glanced over at Severus, and once her dad was out of earshot whispered. "Well, that was awkward."

Lily didn't fully understand it. If her parents had thought they were together for years, why was her dad suddenly acting so weird about it now? Had it just suddenly occurred to him that they were teenagers, and automatically become suspicious because of that? Still, both of her parents had always thought well of Severus... She really didn't want that to change now.

((A/N – And another chapter – hope you all enjoy and as always please leave a review))


	33. The Dinner

Chapter 33

Severus fiddled with the money in his pocket as he left Gringotts having exchanged a portion of his first pay as Assistant Professor, for muggle money. It felt good having his own money. Sure he’d been making his own money for years, but after coming back here and having so many restrictions it felt good to have some form of freedom. 

He stopped fiddling with the money and pulled out the port key Albus had made for him, that would take him to the Evans’ enclosed back yard. He pressed the key and almost immediately found himself in the Evans’ back yard. He walked around to the front of the house, adjusting his tie on the suit he’d picked up the night before. It was also good, that he now had clothes that properly fit. The joys of being so tall and so thin, it was hard to find anything that fit him, so all his clothes had to be custom made. 

He felt butterflies in his stomach as he waited for someone to answer the door. 

Lily had chosen a pale green dress that her mother had given her last birthday, but that she really hadn’t had a chance to wear. It wasn’t as if she dressed up or went out much; when not in Hogwarts uniform, her usual style leaned more toward casual comfy sweaters. After some deliberation, she decided to wear her hair down. She didn’t really know what else to do with it. She reminded herself that there was no objective reason to be nervous. This was Sev; they’d known each other forever. They’d finally both figured out their feelings and knew where they stood. He wasn’t suddenly going to stop liking her just because she wasn’t sure how to dress for a date. And… there was the problem. She supposed they were in a relationship now, but this was their first outing together that could actually be considered a date. And, with Sev’s new assistant professor position to complicate things, they probably wouldn’t be able to have another one for a long time.

Petunia craned her neck around the doorway of Lily’s room, and immediately shook her head in disapproval. “That’s a little last season, you know,” she said.

“Do you ever knock?” Lily asked, annoyed. “Anyway, why would Severus care about that?”

“Well, he should,” Petunia sniffed. “You’re not wearing your hair like that, are you?”

Lily turned to look at her. “Are you being annoying on purpose, or do you actually think you’re helping?”

Petunia shrugged and then said, after a moment: “Also, Dad says that Snape boy’s here.”

“What? Why didn’t you say that first?” Lily pushed past Petunia and ran down the stairs, just as Mr. Evans opened the front door. 

Severus stepped into the house, one hand behind his back. He knew he'd forgotten something. He shifted his hand and a single white rose appeared in his hand, hidden from view behind his back. 

He looked up as Lily came down the stairs. He stopped breathing as he took her in. "Lily ... You look ..." He stopped unsure of what he wanted to say.

Mr. Evans cleared his throat, Severus let go of the breath he'd been holding. "Have her home by eight." Mr. Evans said. 

"Nonsense," Mrs. Evans said. "Let the kids have some fun. Be home by ten. At the latest." 

Lily smiled and gave Mrs. Evans a quick hug. “Thanks,” she whispered, then looked up at her dad. “We’ll be back by ten, I promise.”

Mr. Evans’ expression looked slightly pained, but he nodded. “Alright,” he said, then looked over at Severus and repeated, “At the latest.”

Severus nodded. “Of course.” He said as Lily came down the stairs. Severus pulled the white rose out from behind his back and handed it to her. “I saw it and had to get it for you.” He said, feeling rather awkward about the whole thing. This whole thing was becoming a lot more formal than he had intended but, he hoped she at least liked it. 

Lily’s face lit up with a surprised smile, blushing slightly as she took the rose. “Sev, you didn’t have to… It’s beautiful.” She looked up at him. Now would have been a great time to kiss him, if her parents hadn’t been standing right there. “Thank you,” she said, feeling a little awkward.

“We had best leave soon. Our reservation is for seven.” He said glancing at the watch that was around his left wrist. It felt odd to be wearing a watch, he’d never worn one before, but the guy at the store had recommended it, and it wasn’t terribly expensive. 

“You two have fun. And stay safe.” Mrs. Evans said. 

“Severus, you have your wand with you, just in case?” Mr. Evans asked. Severus nodded. 

“As always.” He said with a smile. “Don’t worry, your daughter is safe with me.” He said though he heard Mr. Evans grumble something and saw Mrs. Evans elbow him in the ribs playfully, though hard enough the man winced slightly. 

Lily took Severus’s arm and moved toward the door. Hopefully, they would both feel a little less awkward once they were on their way. She wished her dad didn’t suddenly feel the need to act so weird about Severus; it wasn’t as if he were a stranger, after all. But at least he hadn’t forbidden their evening out. Even if he was a bit worried about her growing up, he seemed to at least trust her to make good decisions. “So, where did you get reservations for?” she asked Severus as they were leaving. She’d been so fixated on the idea that they were going out at all, that she hadn’t thought to ask where they were going.

"Well you'll just have to wait and see." He said leading her to the backyard. They would need to apparate there, since the best Cokeworth had to offer was a rather sketchy McDonalds. He had reservations booked almost two weeks ago and had to do a bit of spell work to get the reservations at Galvin la Chapelle. 

“Well, aren’t you mysterious,” Lily said as she followed him through the back gate. “The suit looks really good on you, by the way,” she added. She didn’t think she’d ever seen Severus in a suit, and certainly not one that fit him this well. It worked well for him.

“Thank you. I’ve been getting a lot of comments about how well I’ve been dressing since I started working. The joys of being so tall and so skinny though …” He said clearly being sarcastic about the ‘joy’ part. “Is I have to get everything custom made, so I’m well-dressed but I’m pretty dirt because I only own like … two outfits.” He said with a slight chuckle. 

Lily laughed. “I think you manage to pull it off, though.” She was glad that he seemed to be taking better care of himself now that he’d started his new job. If she wasn’t mistaken, he seemed happier overall as well.

Severus wrapped his arms around her, “Ready?” He asked. When she nodded he apparated, appearing once again in an alley somewhere in London. “It’s not far from here.” He said reluctantly pulling away from her. 

Lily held onto him tight; she never had been terribly comfortable with side-along apparition. Once they were solidly at their destination, it took a moment for her to feel less disoriented. She took hold of his hand as she steadied herself. “How do you ever get used to that?” she asked.

“You don’t.” Severus said with a laugh, leading her out of the alley and down the street. 

Lily accompanied him down the street, shaking her head. “It’s an efficient mode of transportation, I’ll give it that, but… dear Merlin, at what cost?” she said, half-joking.

Severus laughed as they reached Galvin la Chapelle. He gave his name to the host who led them to their tables, much to the annoyance of the others who had been waiting impatiently for nearly an hour for their own reservations. 

Once they reached the table he pulled out Lily’s chair for her. 

Lily gave Severus an appreciative smile as she sat down. Her eyes went a little wide though, as she looked around at the restaurant. This place was… extremely nice. And judging by the lines of irritated people, apparently in very high demand. She hadn’t been expecting anything this fancy. And she couldn’t help feeling a little guilty, worrying about just how much of a dent this would make into Severus’s newly acquired funds. Not that she didn’t appreciate the effort, but… surely Sev didn’t think this was expected of him, did he?

Severus sat down at the table across from her as she looked around the restaurant wide eyes. He blushed, his face turning a deep shade of red. Perhaps he had overdone it but … He wanted to take her somewhere nice. Somewhere she hadn’t been before. He pulled open his menu that the waiter had brought them and quietly cleared his throat. 

“I’ll be honest I’ve never been to a restaurant like this before … and I don’t know French so I have no idea what any of this is.” He said with a slight laugh. 

Lily burst out laughing, the tension breaking. As long as he wasn’t going to get caught up thinking he needed to impress her, they’d be just fine. “You shouldn’t have told me that. You were terribly suave up until just now,” she said, looking over the menu. “My French is painfully rusty; I haven’t taken it since before Hogwarts… but I think we’ll manage to get by. Just don’t ask me to conjugate any verbs.”

“Suave was I?” Severus asked, an eyebrow raising almost questioningly. “Well, just pretend I didn’t say anything, and I’ll try to stumble through my French … Or … lack of French …” He said with a smile, glad that things weren’t terribly awkward. He had to admit it felt odd, but … it wasn’t as bad as he thought it would be. 

“We can puzzle it out together… But I think we’re both ignoring the important question here.” She looked up at him with an almost straight face and said, in a mock-serious voice: “Who did you have to kill to get us onto the reservation list? And do you need help covering your tracks?”

“Are you volunteering? Because there was that one guy-” Severus said, stopping and smiling as she playfully smacked his arm, earning them a few looks from the people nearby. He supposed it wasn’t often teenagers came in here unattended. And to be honest, he’d had to fight for the reservation due to his age. He had to lie about it, despite clearly being under age, he’d managed to trick the owner with a fake ID he’d magicked out of thin air, from the confines of his pocket. “Don’t worry about the reservation. I didn’t have to kill anyone for it … I may have maimed or severely injured a few people but … I didn’t kill anyone.” 

“Well, I suppose a little maiming every now and then is acceptable,” she said primly, a small smile lingering on her face. She hoped that the looks from other patrons a moment ago had been about their age, and not because someone had overheard them casually discussing homicide. She then set about helping Sev to decipher the menu. 

Severus glanced over at the people next to them who promptly went back to their own meals. “Apparently our neighbors aren’t enjoying our current topic of discussion.” He said with a bit of a chuckle looking back down at the menu. “I think I might get the Lasagna … It think it might be my safest bet.” He said looking up at Lily. “What about you?” 

“Hmm…” she said. “I think I’ll be just slightly more adventurous and try the risotto.”

"What's that?" Severus asked looking for it on the menu. 

“It’s a kind of rice dish,” she explained, pointing it out on the menu.

"How about you get that, I'll get the lasagna and we get an appetizer we've no clue what it is just to try it?" He asked. "Be adventurous."

“Sounds fun,” Lily agreed. After all, they weren’t at an ordinary restaurant, so why just try ordinary things? 

The waiter came and took their orders and their menus. Severus ordered a glass of wine for himself and Lily. The waiter gave them both a raised eyebrow before taking his leave. 

"Just don't tell your dad." Severus said quietly. 

“Not a word,” Lily agreed, with a slight smile. “So,” she said, looking across the table at him. “How is the new job so far? Do you feel like you’ll be ready when school starts?”

Severus shrugged. “It’s okay … I think I was frustrating Professor McGonagall though. She kept trying to teach me things and kept huffing every time I did it on the first try.” He said with a bit of a chuckle. “A few times I did it before she even finished her instruction.” He said fiddling with the corner of his napkin. “As for school starting … I think I’m a bit nervous really. I mean all the students there know me as a student and … two years of them are the same age as me or older …” He said. “I doubt they’d take me seriously. Even if it is just me sitting in on the classes, if required, I have to be able to substitute a class or two.” 

Lily had thought that might be the case. Severus had worked hard for this, but that didn’t mean his former classmates would appreciate the effort and intelligence he’d expended to achieve this position. It wasn’t as if they’d ever respected him before. It made sense that he would be nervous.

“That could be an issue at first,” Lily admitted, putting her hand over his. “But we both know McGonagall runs a tight ship. She wouldn’t leave you with them until she’d firmly established how the students should interact with you. And I doubt she’d let you substitute for her until she thought you were ready to handle it.”

“She already knows I can handle it … it’s a matter of the students reactions.” He said as their food arrived. He thanked the waiter as the food was placed before them. When the waiter left he looked at Lily. “Well … it looks good.” He said quietly. 

“It does,” she agreed. A great deal of care had apparently gone into artfully arranging the food on each plate. More importantly, though, it smelled divine. She had to admit that his worries about how students would react to him were still valid. There were a few Gryffindor’s in particular that she worried might still make things difficult for him. And he’d angered most of Slytherin as well… on top of that, a few Ravenclaws would likely be jealous of all that Snape had managed to accomplish. “I vote we both refrain from worrying tonight. Whatever they try, taking off enough house points should help establish order.” 

“Unless the student doesn’t care about house points. There’s quite a few of those, I’m sure.” He said. “Perhaps a few detentions should be in order. Scare the lot of them …” He said with a wicked smirk. “You know how … creative … I can be.” He said though he was clearly joking. 

Lily laughed. “See? You’ll be fine. Before long, they’ll think you’re even more intimidating than McGonagall.”

Severus laughed. “Oh I have no doubt of that.” He said picking up his fork. He poked at the lasagna a moment before he sneered at it. “I didn’t realize they put goat cheese in their lasagna.” He said before cutting off a corner with his fork. For such an expensive meal, they sure didn’t serve much. 

“So much for the safest bet,” said Lily. “Just try it, though. You might like it.” Now that she thought about it, after all the trouble Severus must have gone to in order to get reservations here, not to mention the cost of the food, it would be a real shame if it turned out that he didn’t even like it. 

Severus took a bite of his lasagna, his nose scrunched in disgust at the goat cheese. “Well … it’s not … that bad?” He asked in more of a questioning tone. 

Lily managed to suppress a smile at the look on Severus’s face. “You hate it, don’t you?” she said. “Here, try the risotto, and if you like it any better we can switch.”

Severus used his fork to take a small bite of her risotto. “It’s not bad.” He said. “Do you want to try this?” He asked pushing his plate forward slightly. 

“Sure,” Lily said. Though Sev’s reaction to the risotto didn’t seem terribly enthusiastic, he at least seemed to hate it less than the lasagna. She picked up her fork and took a small bite of the lasagna. “I actually think it’s pretty good,” she said, finding the flavor different from what she was used to, but still pleasant.

“You like goat cheese?” He asked, looking quite skeptical. 

“What?” she shrugged. “It’s just another kind of cheese. It’s different, but I don’t mind it.” He pushed the plates towards her.

“You can eat it if you like. I’m not a fan of the goat cheese.” He said taking a sip of his water. “It ruins it for me.” 

“Trade, then,” Lily agreed, accepting the lasagna and pushing the risotto toward him. She wasn’t terribly picky about it one way or the other, and Sev seemed very adamant about pushing the lasagna as far from himself as possible. She was a little amused by it, really.

Severus agreed to trading plates, and while he wasn’t fully satisfied at least this was better. He took another bite of the risotto and nodded. Definitely a lot better. Okay, so he was satisfied. He should have trusted Lily’s judgement and ordered the same thing. 

Lily was glad that Severus seemed happier with the risotto after all. Anyway, where was the fun in life if you never tried new things? That was a philosophy that her mother had always tried to instill… though it seemed to have taken hold more with Lily than with Petunia. Of course, Mum hadn’t been nearly as lively or energetic lately. Lily frowned, worry settling over her face as she stared absently down at the elegant tablecloth.

Severus noticed her sudden change and cleared his throat. “If you prefer this, we didn’t have to trade.” Severus said though he doubted that’s what caused her sudden change in mood. 

Lily blinked, and shook her head. “No, it’s not that. I’m sorry,” she said, looking up at him. “I just… I was just thinking about my mum and started worrying… She’s been trying really hard to smile and act like everything’s normal, but… the treatments have been really draining on her, I can tell.” She realized how scared she sounded, and shook her head. “Sorry,” she said again. “I didn’t mean to be so depressing all of a sudden.” But, as always when it resurfaced in her mind, she couldn’t stop thinking about it for long.

“Don’t apologize. You’re worried, it’s understandable.” He said reaching forward and taking her hand in his. “Do you want to talk about it? Or do you want to wait until we’re uh … Well … when we have more privacy.” He asked as he looked around at the tables around them. 

“I… think it would be best to talk about it later,” she said, a little embarrassed. She didn’t particularly want to have that discussion in public. Not that she thought she was going to break down here or anything, but it was better not to risk it. For some time now, everyone at home had been trying so hard to be strong for everyone else, that there just wasn’t a good way to talk about it. And if she suddenly started talking about it now, who knew what emotions that might dredge up? “Thanks for understanding,” she said. Just the simple feeling of his hand over hers was comforting somehow.

“I’m not sure if it’ll do anything, but I’ve been doing some research into why we don’t have a cure for it in the Wi- …” He paused realizing they were surrounded by Muggles. “I haven’t come across anything significant quite yet but … I’m looking into it.” 

Lily nodded. “I did think that was strange,” she agreed. After all, Mediwizards had seemingly miraculous cures for so many things, that she would have assumed there would be… well, something. That had even occurred to Petunia, who kept hinting that Lily, with her ‘freakish’ abilities ought to somehow have the answer for this. “The only reason that comes to mind is maybe there aren’t as many cases of cancer among…” she glanced around. “Among that population. Have you had a chance to talk to Madame Pomfrey at all about it? In case maybe she knows something about it?”

Severus nodded. “I’ll be talking to her once we get back to school.” He said. “I’ll keep it confidential of course.” 

“I… really appreciate that,” Lily said gratefully. “I just really hate feeling like there’s nothing I can do about it. Once we’re back at Hogwarts, I can help with the research process. I’m sure you’ll be insanely busy once classes start.”

“You should focus on your studies once we get back to school.” He said. “I know you hate feeling that way, but you need to focus on your schooling.” 

“I know,” Lily sighed. “I’m not going to obsess over it, I promise. That’s the last thing she wants.” She knew how upset her mother would be if she thought Lily’s performance at school started to suffer because of this. “But you understand I can’t just do nothing? I’ll handle this better if I’m able to actively work on looking for a solution.”

“Or it’ll make things worse if you can’t find anything. Lily, I know you … Do you really think you’d be able to handle just doing ‘a little research’ when it’s your mom that’s …” Severus paused and sighed, hoping Lily hadn’t made up her mind on this. 

“Sev,” Lily said quietly, looking back steadily into his dark eyes. “Do you really think I’m going to be able to handle doing no research at all?” 

Severus sighed as he picked at his food. “If you can keep up your studies I don’t see why not, I just don’t want you to become absorbed in it … I’m not sure anything can even be done, even with magic.” He said the last word quietly so that no one could hear him. 

“I understand that,” said Lily. “But I have to try. I can’t just sit back and accept this without at least trying.” Intellectually, she understood that she and Sev might not be able to find anything. But a part of her couldn’t help wondering what was the point of being a witch if she couldn’t even save her own mother?

Severus and Lily ate the rest of their meal in relative silence, Severus unsure of how to break the sudden gloom that had come over the table. It was a very real thing, and it scared them both what was going to happen to Lily’s mother. In a way, to Severus, this was a lot harder than it was the last time …. He wasn’t watching it happen. He didn’t know about it until after she’d passed away …. He hadn’t even known she was sick. So while it had really upset him the first time around …. now he was going to be around when it happened. 

Once they both finished their meal Severus asked for the cheque, refraining from wincing at the price. He knew it was going to be expensive … He doubted they’d be doing this that often. Besides … he’d wanted to treat her, and the food, he had to admit, was pretty good, for all his grumbling. 

“You ready?” Severus asked as he left a tip for the waiter, probably not nearly as much as he should have left, or what the waiter was used to but … it would have to do. 

Lily nodded. “Yes,” she said. “Thank you for all of this, Sev,” she said sincerely. “This was really, really nice.” She’d needed to get out of the house more than she had realized, and would have been glad to go anywhere with him, really. She hoped he didn’t get the idea that fancy, expensive outings were necessary to her. But she understood the gesture that he was making, and hoped that he knew how much she appreciated it, even if she did have other worries on her mind right now.

Severus took her hand as they walked back to the Apparation spot to go home. It would only be a few more days until school started, which in a way worried Severus. Would their relationship be maintainable while he’s an assistant professor? Would it survive being forced to stay apart? Would she find someone else? These thoughts seemed petty really with everything else that was going on. But Severus couldn’t help dwelling on them. He looked at Lily, his eyes sad, though he forced himself to smile. 

“Everything will be alright. You’ll see.” He said, though in a way he supposed he was talking to himself as much as her. He couldn’t help but hope that everything indeed was going to be okay … Voldemort would be defeated, her mother would live and Lily would stay with him. But then again …. Severus really hadn’t even had the best of luck.


	34. A Change in Staff

Chapter 34

Severus sat at the Slytherin table, the only student not wearing a uniform which resulted in odd stares. The first years where brought in and sorted into their houses before Dumbledore stood to make his beginning of the year speech. He found his stomach turning in knots as Dumbledore spoke about the Forbidden Forest, upcoming events, and when the class schedules would be handed out, before he paused. 

"In addition we have a late ... Or should I say early graduation. Over the summer a very intelligent, advanced student had taken their NEWTs, and had graduated with honours. In addition to the graduation, I would like to announce a new assistant professor, who will be assisting Professor McGonagall this year as an apprentice." The students looked around curiously, wondering who it was, mostly looking over to the Ravenclaw table. 

"I expect that you will all treat him with the respect you show any other teacher, despite his age." He said looking over his half moon glasses at the crowed of students. "Severus Snape, if you could please take your rightful place at the staff table, we gladly welcome you to our ranks." He said clapping though he seemed to be one of very few who did. 

Whispers of disbelief ran through the Great Hall. Lily was one of the few who clapped for Severus, ignoring the scornful stares that some of her former friends shot her way. What did they care? They weren't talking to her anyway.

Lily had been so proud of Sev, and so happy for his accomplishment... not to mention rather preoccupied with thoughts of their new relationship, and concerned about how they would need to keep that a secret due to Severus's new position as an assistant professor... that she had only just begun to worry about how badly the other students would take Severus's sudden transformation into an authority figure. He had never been particularly liked outside of his own house. Thanks to Potter and Co., most students only knew of Severus as an object of ridicule. And, as it turned out, he'd never really had much of a support system within his own house either; it wasn't as if his fellow Slytherins had ever made a habit of standing up for him. And now that he'd severed his ties with the would-be Death Eaters, all of Slytherin was against him. Even if the student population as a whole could miraculously get past their disdain for Severus, he was still a Slytherin, and younger than some of the students. The chances of anyone taking him seriously were nonexistent.

Further down the table, Potter and Black seemed to have gotten into a fierce argument, with Pettigrew shooting bewildered looks back and forth at the two of them, unsure of who to side with. An exasperated-looking Lupin finally shoved the two of them apart and sat between them, speaking to Black in hushed tones, apparently trying to calm him down. 

Severus ignored the silence that was quickly evolving into cries of protest, accusations of cheating and dark magic filtered into his ears as he approached the staff table, Dumbledore meeting him to shake his hand. 

"They'll warm up to you." Dumbledore said quietly to him. 

"No they won't." Severus said back as a matter of fact. He sat next to Professor McGonagall as the feast started, the students still glaring at him. 

McGonagall's mouth became a thinner line than usual at the outcry from the students. But then, it was nothing more than she had expected. Severus didn't look at all surprised either.

"You'll learn to keep them in line," she said matter-of-factly, as Severus sat down next to her. It went without saying that it wouldn't be easy.

Lily's face burned with anger on Severus's behalf, and her stomach tightened with worry. Obviously, McGonagall wouldn't put up with the students disrespecting her apprentice in class... but what about when McGonagall wasn't around? If the students were showing this much blatant hostility out in the open, where Dumbledore and all the other teachers could hear, what was going to happen later, when they weren't watching? Of course Severus would be careful, but... she couldn't help worrying that he might find himself in serious danger.

She glanced down the table, where Potter and Black seemed to be pointedly ignoring each other, 

Pettigrew looked lost and sullen, and Lupin just looked annoyed.

Potter saw her glance over at them and waved to her. 

Lily's first response was to ignore him out of habit, but she gave him a brief nod of acknowledgement, before looking away again. They were going to have to learn to work together... which was going to be awkward. Potter had a hard enough time getting it through his skull that she wasn't interested when she was furious with him. How was he going to react now that she actually had to be civil?


	35. A Sirius Offense

Chapter 35

Severus tucked the books under his arm as he walked down the hall towards his room. The rooms he was used to was currently occupied by Slughorn, but Severus had been given a room on the ground floor between the middle court yard and the transfiguration classroom. It was only a minute long walk to either location. 

He was coming from the potions lab where he had started working on a batch of wolfsbane. 

Sirius and James had continued their argument later, after the feast was over. For Sirius, it was like hitting his head against a brick wall. James still refused to question how or why Snivellus had managed to graduate early and suddenly get himself onto the Hogwarts staff, or to admit that there might be foul play or dark magic involved. James had insisted that things had to be different now, that they should just leave the greasy git alone, that they couldn't call him Snivellus anymore, that their long-standing animosity was just mean-spirited and childish...

If that was the case, Sirius had to wonder whether everything he and James had done together was "childish" now. Without warning, James had outgrown an enemy. How long would it be before he outgrew his best friend?

Sure, Sirius could kind of understand where James was coming from toward the end of last term. Snivellus hadn't bothered fighting back or even getting angry, and if that was the way he was going to be, messing with him just wasn't as fun anymore. If anything, it had just made Sirius feel like an idiot. Which, in hindsight, was probably exactly what Snivellus had meant to do. But Sirius had just assumed James was still feeling guilty after the Shrieking Shack incident, and that it would pass. Why James felt so bloody guilty was beyond him; James was the one who had rushed in and saved the ungrateful runt. Moony was probably still guilting himself about it, but they all knew it wasn't his fault. If anyone had an actual reason for guilt, it was Sirius, and he knew it. But he preferred to ignore that feeling. And the only way to do that was for everything to go back to normal. Over the summer, things had seemed normal enough between him and James... but now that they were back at Hogwarts, they just couldn't seem to get past the Snivellus issue.

So, Sirius had taken the Marauder's Map with him when he stormed out of the Gryffindor common room. That made finding Snivellus easy enough. No matter how Sirius looked at it, Snape suddenly going from an incoming sixth year to a graduated assistant professor was really suspicious. The fact that James wouldn't even consider looking into it was even more suspicious. There was only one conclusion Sirius could come to: Snape had something on James. Something James wouldn't even tell him about. But whatever threat Snivellus had hanging over James's head, Sirius intended to find out.

On the map, he saw where Snape was headed as he came back from the Potions Lab, and waited for him in the shadows in the corridor. As soon as Snape came into view, Sirius emerged from the shadows, his wand drawn, blocking Snape's way.

"Well, if it isn't Professor Snivellus," he said. "Care to tell me how you managed that?" 

Severus stopped in the hallway, a bored expression on his face. "Frankly it's none of your business Black. But to humour you, I asked Dumbledore if I could attempt my NEWTs over the summer." He said not bothering to draw his wand. "If you're planning on doing anything other than speaking to me, I wish you the best of luck." He said sincerely. 

Unbelievable.

Snivellus couldn't even be bothered to draw his wand, or even act angry. Just who did he think he was? As if Sirius hadn't humiliated him time and again in front of the whole school. The sheer unnerving arrogance of it made Sirius want to hex him right now, just to teach him a lesson... But Snape might be counting on just that. It would be just like him to try and get Sirius expelled for attacking an assistant teacher.

"And I'm supposed to believe that?" Sirius scoffed. "That you're just suddenly so damn superior? You don't actually think this changes anything, do you?" 

"And what exactly would I have to change?" He asked, standing before Sirius, wondering exactly what he was getting at. "I honestly don't know what your issue with me is ... But if you'll excuse me I have things I need to be doing." He said walking around Sirius. 

As Snape tried to walk past him, Sirius grabbed him by his scrawny shoulders and shoved him roughly into the wall.

"Don't play stupid with me," Sirius snarled in his face. "You don't think everybody knows who most of Slytherin is working for? I don't know how you managed to fool Dumbledore, or what you did to pass your NEWTs barely out of fifth year, but I know you're up to something! And I know James suspects it too, even if he won't say anything! Now tell me, what are you doing to make him keep quiet? What do you have on him?!" 

"Does he now?" Snape asked smirking as he was slammed against the wall. "Perhaps instead of questioning me you should be questioning just how stable your friendship is ... You're the only one who had an issue. If I had indeed done something, do you really think I would have made you an exception to my 'dark magic'?" Severus laughed as he pushed Sirius away from him. He walked down the hall again towards his room. "Oh and Black .... 150 points from Gryffindor ... For assaulting Hogwarts staff." He said with a smirk before turning the corner towards his room. 

Sirius glared at Snape, wanting so badly to punch him right in his smug, smirking, hook-nosed face. Somehow, Snivellus's words had managed to hit right where Sirius was most insecure. Sirius knew something was going on, but he couldn't explain his reasoning, and it frustrated and infuriated him. And he couldn't afford to lose James's friendship over this. He'd already been disowned once; losing the family he'd actually chosen wasn't an option. What did Snape know? The evil bastard couldn't possibly understand anything like that. Slytherins were all about blood ties and manipulation; Sirius doubted they were even capable of real friendship. Whatever had come between the Marauders now, Sirius was certain it was Snape's fault. And he would find a way to prove it.

Sirius glared, fuming with hatred, as Snape started to walk away, then stared.  
"150!? Seriously?!" he shouted after him. If he was going to get points deducted anyway, he might as well have broken Snape's nose for good measure. "This isn't over, Snivellus!" he shouted after him. 

\-----------------------------

Mary came down the stairs the next morning and saw Lily sitting on the couch by the fire place. "Hey Lily." She said sitting down beside her. "You're not still sore about last year are you?" She asked. "We're still friends right?" 

Lily looked up at Mary, surprised. The last she'd heard from her, Mary wanted nothing to do with her anymore as long as she was friends with Severus. Then, not a word from her all summer. Not a single owl. And suddenly, out of nowhere, Mary felt like being friendly?

"I thought you said you weren't talking to me," Lily pointed out. Her tone was guarded, but not harsh. If Mary was willing to be reasonable, Lily wouldn't turn her away. 

"Well with Snape being a teacher now, you two can't possibly still be friends. Not to mention you have to be level headed enough to realize he cheated and had to have manipulated Dumbledore somehow ... How else would a sixteen year old get on staff? It's unheard of!" 

Lily sighed, and resisted the urge to just get up and walk away. "Not everyone ditches their friends at the drop of a hat, Mary," Lily said, trying to keep her anger in check. She wouldn't do Sev any favors by flying off the handle... of course, reasoning with Mary might be pointless anyway. "And somehow, I find it a little easier to believe that a sixteen-year-old could pass the NEWTs than that he could fool Dumbledore. The headmaster's not an idiot, you know." 

"No, but Snape knows some pretty dark magic." She said. "And not even Dumbledore could ward off the imperious. Even if he did get there clean cut, he's a teacher now. Students aren't supposed to be friends with teachers." 

"I suppose that last part's true," Lily said carefully. She didn't want to get Severus into trouble with a careless word. All it took was admitting to the wrong person that she and Severus were friends, and suddenly there would be accusations of a romantic relationship (albeit true ones), rampant rumors of favoritism, and who even knew what else? "Still, if it were that easy to hit Dumbledore with an Imperius curse, someone would have done it a long time before now. And, aside from being illegal, that's some seriously advanced magic. If Snape's advanced enough to pull that off, wouldn't he logically also be advanced enough to pass the NEWTs honestly? You know, the way that's less likely to land him in Azkaban? I mean, come on. You're not the only one who's suspicious. Don't you think the other professors have already checked for signs that something might be wrong with Dumbledore?" 

"I don't think the teachers monitor him that closely. I mean he's rarely out of his office." Mary said. "Still, I suppose it's a possibility. But, it just seems odd. There's a ton of students in other houses that could take their NEWTs early. Why him?" 

"Well," said Lily. "I don't remember hearing that any of the other students have ever tried. Maybe others will follow, but there has to be a first time for everything. Snape was just stubborn enough to try it." 

"Or evil enough. Really what reasoning does he have for graduating early if not to join you-know-who?" 

Lily raised an eyebrow. "Ah, yes," she said sarcastically. "By graduating early, Snape goes from being a student under Dumbledore's watch to... an assistant teacher that Dumbledore actually notices. Not to mention the rest of the staff, and all of the students who are trading rumors as we speak. And getting himself apprenticed to McGonnagall... absolutely brilliant. I'm sure he'll have no trouble slipping away to perform Death Eater duties now that he's... still stuck at Hogwarts." 

"You ever thought that maybe he's a spy!" Mary said getting annoyed that Lily was making her look like the idiot instead of seeing Snape as he really is. "Fine ... If you won't see him as he really is, then I guess that makes you one of them, since you're on his side. I have no choice then. Since we're such great friends I guess I'll just let a few facts fly ... Get Snively sacked before he can do any damage." 

"Spies are supposed to be inconspicuous," Lily said angrily, using all of her willpower not to follow that statement up with the word idiot. "And since pretty much the whole school thinks he's up to something, Snape would be terrible at it. Have you maybe considered that Dumbledore actually knows what he's doing? And that maybe I'm not a total moron either? And what facts? What are you even talking about?" 

"Oh but he is up to something. And don't you remember? You told me just moments ago that your shagging dear ol' professor Snape." She said as Julia and Stephanie came down the stairs. 

"Oh my god! Lily I can't believe it! You're shagging a teacher?!"

Lily stared at her, shocked. "I said no such thing," she said angrily. "And I can't believe you would stoop so low!" Lily picked up her things to leave, and glared at Mary, fuming with rage. "And if you're going to lie about something like that, then you were never really my friend to begin with."

"How can I be lying Lily? You're just bitter that your secrets getting out. If you aren't actually banging him then you have nothing to worry about, do you?" She asked watching Lily leave. "We’ll see how long he's employed when the truth gets out." 

Lily turned around and looked at Mary for a moment. It was astounding, really, to think that they had ever been friends. That, a few months ago, it was Severus she had almost given up on, while things between her and Mary were absolutely fine. "Oh, I'm not worried," she said. "I'm just sad that it's come to this. Goodbye, Mary." She walked out through the portrait hole, still fuming. Despite what she'd said, though, she was worried. The rumors didn't have to be true to get Severus sacked.

((A/N – And there’s chapter …. What chapter are we on?? …. There’s this chapter. Anyway please leave a review, they’re always appreciated))


	36. Room of Requirement

Chapter 36 

Severus walked into the sixth year transfiguration class and threw the books onto the table. He stared at the class who continued to talk amongst themselves, rather loudly. He stood there for a few moments before he raised his fingers to his lips, whistling through his fingers. The class silenced and looked at him a moment before going back to their conversations. Severus stood there again for a moment, the only people not talking where Lily, James and Remus, though James seemed to be trying to silence Sirius. 

Severus looked down a moment licking his lips as he moved towards the chalk board. He raised his hand towards the board, his fingers curling against black surface. He ran his nails across the board, a loud shrieking noise echoing through the class. Everyone put their hands against their ears as Snape turned towards them. 

He waited a few moments, and the class remained silent. "Good .... now that I have your attention, Professor McGonagall will not be joining classes today ... so here how is how this class is going to go. You're all going to sit in your seats, and read chapter four of your text books, and write a foot long essay on the subject. If I hear a single sound out of any of you, that does not pertain to the material at hand, points will be deducted and I don't care what house you're from." 

A Slytherin girl at the front laughed. "Professor Snape's laying it down." She whispered to her friend next to her. 

"Ten points from Slytherin." Snape drawled out. "You think I'm joking, I'm not ... You think McGonagall is strict, I'm worse ... Sit down, and open your books .... Now."

Lily hid a grin behind her book and set about reading chapter four. She'd been nervous for Severus at first, worried about how he would handle this class ... evidently, however, Sev was going to be just fine.

"Unbe-fucking-lievable," Sirius muttered under his breath. James elbowed him sharply in the ribs. Sirius discreetly kicked James in the shin. With a long-suffering sigh, Remus ignored both of them, staunchly refusing to look away from his textbook. 

Severus glanced up at Sirius as he sat down at his desk. "Ten points from Gryffindor Mr. Black ..." He said turning his eyes towards a stack of papers he was going to be marking for McGonagall while she was gone for the day. 

Sirius looked like he was about to protest, but he'd already lost enough points from Gryffindor for now. Frankly, he was lucky no one knew he was the one who'd gotten 150 points taken off on the first night. Even if it was really Snape's fault. Who knew what else Snivellus would do? It was obviously a power trip. So Sirius settled for glaring at Snape, for now, then crossed his arms and proceeded to glower down at his textbook as if trying to set fire to it with his eyes. James, relieved that Sirius was at least going to pretend to behave himself for the moment, started on the assignment as well. 

Lily couldn't help but notice, though, that the two of them still seemed tense. She went back to her reading, occasionally jotting down notes on important terms and concepts. 

Halfway through class Snape started handing papers back to the students. Their marked assignments that McGonagall had marked three days ago and had asked him to hand back out to the class. While he handed Lily her paper, inside the rolled up parchment was a smaller piece of paper. A small note asking her to meet him at the room of requirement, after dinner.

Receiving her assignment back, Lily unrolled the parchment to see what McGonagall had marked, and found the smaller piece of paper inside. She read Severus's message, without so much as glancing up at him nor letting any change in her expression indicate what she had read. She didn't know yet whether Mary had gone ahead with her petty little scheme, but Lily didn't intend to take chances. She then rolled the assignment up, note and all, and tucked it into her bag before anyone could see.   
Lily would be there, though, even if it wasn't the wisest thing to do. She wanted so badly to see him, that she couldn't stay away. Besides, she had perfectly sensible reasons to talk to Sev alone. For one thing, she needed to warn him about Mary's threat. All the same, Lily would have to be very, very careful that she wasn't followed. 

After dinner Severus rolled up a parchment with a letter to James and attached it with a little trouble to Amaranths leg.

'Potter,

Meet me you know where at 9 o'clock. We'll see if your height has improved.' 

The message was vague and left no signature. He purposely tried to change his writing so that if anyone intercepted it they wouldn't recognize his writing. 

He sent it off and went to the room of requirement to wait for Lily.

Once she had finished eating, Lily gathered up her things and left the Great Hall. The bright side of no one being on speaking terms with her, was that at least she didn't have to make excuses for where she was going. All the same, she brought several textbooks with her, giving the impression that she was going off to study somewhere. Maybe she was being paranoid, but Severus had worked hard to get this job, and Lily wasn't about to endanger it by being careless.

Lily made it to the Room of Requirement without running into anyone else, and entered. 

Severus had been waiting nearly an hour before Lily finally showed up. He had the room create a piano at which he sat in the middle of the room, playing masterfully. He hadn't even heard the door open when she came into the room, his fingers moving over the keys, absorbed in his music. 

When she opened the door, Lily was surprised to be greeted by the sound of the piano. She quietly closed the door, set down her books, and for a moment just stood there, watching him play. There was something entrancing about watching how absorbed Severus was in the music, and how expertly his hands moved over the keys.

After a moment, Lily walked over, lightly wrapped her arms around him, and kissed him on the cheek. "You wanted to see me, Professor Snape?" she said. 

Severus continued playing, but played a bit softer as she wrapped her arms around him. She startled him a bit, but he didn't let it show, nor reflect in his music. "Don't call me that ..." He said quietly. "Not here." He said looking towards her and kissing her gently, his fingers still moving over the keys. 

Lily smiled. "Alright, Sev. I'm just proud of you, that's all." She kissed him back, her eyes closing for a moment as she listened to the music. She hadn't really intended to go on calling him Professor Snape anyway. She'd only meant it playfully, somewhere between teasing and congratulating. But she didn't want Severus's new title to change things between them any more than he did. 

Severus finally stopped playing, lowering the top fold to cover the keys. He turned towards her and pulled her into his lap. "It's been too long since we've been alone. I feel like it's been months, not weeks." he said before he realized what he'd said and his cheeks burned red, accentuated by how pale his skin is. 

Severus's embarrassment was instantly noticeable, his face burning bright red. Lily thought it was rather endearing, really. She should probably keep that thought to herself, though. Mentioning it would only embarrass him more.

"I know what you mean," she said, laying a hand against the side of his face. She leaned forward and kissed him. 

Severus deepened the kiss, his hands going to her hip as he leaned back against the piano. His free hand come up to her face pulling her into the kiss. This was the second time they kissed since she'd accepted to be his girlfriend ... That thought still made him both nervous and excited. Lily ... was his girlfriend. It sounded so juvenile but ... she was his. 

Lily leaned into Severus's kiss, her mouth moving against his, she put her arms around him, running her hands over his shoulders. It really did feel like forever since they'd had a moment alone together, which was all the more difficult since their relationship, at least as a couple anyway, had just started before they'd come back to Hogwarts. 

Severus knew he should control himself, but despite trying to calm himself down he felt his cock hardening in his pants. He shifted away from her, hoping she wouldn't feel it. He broke the kiss a moment before he leaned in again, claiming her mouth with his own. 

Lily felt Severus shift away from her, without knowing why. When Severus leaned in and renewed the kiss, Lily was caught up in the need to be closer to him. Without really thinking, she turned, changing her position from sitting sideways on his lap to facing him, one leg on either side, pressed up against him as she held him close, leaning into his kiss. ... and that was when she realized why he had shifted away from her. She could feel Severus's hardness pressing against her through his pants. Lily's face reddened. Obviously, Sev hadn't wanted her to notice, but it was too late for that. And if she moved now, that would just make a big deal out of the whole thing, and would end up embarrassing them both more. And...actually, she found she didn't really mind. So she stayed where she was, and just kept kissing him. 

Severus couldn't stop the moan low in his throat as she straddled him, sitting on his swollen shaft. He broke the kiss gently, looking away from her. "Lily ... don't ..." He said. She had to feel him pressing up against her, but she didn't move. He still couldn't believe that she was over him, but he didn't want to move this too quickly. 

Lily went still when Severus broke the kiss, and looked down at his face, worried and embarrassed.

"Um... sorry," she said quietly. "If... if this isn't okay, I understand."  
Her face reddened even more. She felt completely stupid. 

Severus took his hand in hers. "No it's .... it's not that it's just ...." He said looking back up at her. "I want you ..." He said, blushing even deeper than he had before. "I want you a lot ... and ... I don't want to do anything you're not ready for." He said. 

Lily looked back into Severus's dark eyes, and wanted nothing more than to just lean forward and kiss him and... but she managed to refrain. Severus was right; this was moving incredibly fast. In real-time, they'd only been dating a few weeks, and in terms of time actually spent together, this was only the second time they'd even kissed. Sitting there, feeling him against her, Lily realized it would be far too easy for them both to get carried away and go too far. What was she even doing, straddling him like this? She'd always prided herself on being more sensible than this. Yet... at the same time, she didn't feel like she was doing anything she was going to regret. Maybe it was because it was Severus, because she'd known him so long, that it felt less like rushing? Still, what kind of logic was that?

"You're right," she said quietly. "This... is really fast. And we don't want to risk things going too far... But I know you, and I trust you and... I want you too." 

Severus looked up at her as she spoke. "You ... but ..." He found that he couldn't deny her. As much as he wanted to back off, his body was in control more than his brain was. He leaned up and kissed her again, his hand moving down her leg before moving back up to her hip. 

For a moment, Severus seemed unsure, and Lily considered that it might be for the best... But then he was kissing her again, and Lily leaned forward into his kiss, wrapping her arms around him and pulling him closer, a thrill running through her as she felt Severus's hand moving over her leg back to her hip. 

Severus arched himself up against her, his cock rubbing against her through her panties, her skirt laid out around her. He moaned into the kiss and slipped his tongue against her lip seeking entrance. Her chest pressed against his as he ran his hands up her sides to her back. 

Lily felt Severus's cock rub against her through the fabric, and began to move against him, more instinctively than intentionally, the need to feel him against her overriding any sense of embarrassment or awkwardness. Dimly, she was aware that she should feel embarrassed, or at least a little self-conscious, that her skirt was spread over Severus's lap in all directions, that Sev's cock was pressed right against her panties, and that she was rubbing right back against him... but she didn't. She ran her hands over his back and shoulders. Feeling Severus's tongue against her mouth, Lily parted her lips, letting him in, then slipped her tongue into his mouth as well. 

Severus planted his feet on the floor as she continued to rub her pussy against him through their clothing. It felt so good. He leaned forward, and moved his hands down under her ass. He lifted her up as he moved down to the ground, holding her in his arms as he knelt. He tipped her back gently, a soft blanket appearing on the floor under them just as he laid her down. He lay on top of her, her legs on either side of his hips as he pressed himself against her. He looked down at her, stilling his hips. 

"Do ..... do you want me to .... to stop?" He asked, not wanting to do anything she'd regret later or hate him for. 

Lily blushed slightly as Sev's hands moved down under her ass. She held onto his shoulders as he lifted her in his arms, laying her down gently on a soft blanket. She hadn't been paying attention to anything but Severus, and wasn't sure where the blanket had come from; maybe it had just appeared, as things often did in the Room of Requirement. She decided it didn't matter. This moment was too perfect to waste contemplating the workings of the Room of Requirement. A small gasp escaped her as Severus pressed himself against her again. Severus paused, and Lily looked up at him, into those intense dark eyes.

At his question, Lily hesitated. If she was going to ask him to stop, now would be the time. The last thing she wanted to do was start sending out mixed signals that could confuse Sev or hurt his feelings later. Reluctant as she was to admit it, maybe the smart thing to do was stop. But... why? Did she want to continue? Yes. Did she think she would regret this later? Well... obviously they'd have to keep this secret, but then they had to keep even talking to one another secret. In her own conscience, she didn't feel like they were doing anything wrong. She knew that Severus's offer to stop was more than just a formality. If she said the word, she knew without a doubt that he wouldn't try to argue, or coerce, or guilt her into changing her mind. Whatever Lily decided her boundaries were, Severus would respect them. It began to sink in how absolutely she could trust him. She wouldn't regret this.

"No," she said, finally decisive. "Don't stop." 

Severus wrapped his arms around her shoulders under her arms, leaning on his elbows on the floor as he claimed her lips again. He wanted so badly to pull his cock out of his black pants but he knew that would really be rushing it. Despite the urge to reach down and open his pants he continued to rub up against her, wondering if this even felt good to her. Wondered if a girl could even orgasm this way.

Lily leaned up into Severus's kiss and wrapped her arms around him, her hands moving from Severus's shoulders and up the back of his neck to run through his hair. She arched up against him, continually rubbing against Severus's cock harder, faster. The more she rubbed against him, the more intense each movement felt. She felt herself growing wet, and blushed... but then realized there was no point in feeling ashamed of that, with Severus's cock so hard against her. Besides, Severus still had his pants on, and might not have noticed anyway. 

Severus felt his orgasm building and closed his eyes. 'No not yet.' He groaned into the kiss as he slowed his thrusts trying to refrain from cumming. He broke the kiss and rested his forehead against her shoulder, his body tensing as a wave of intense pleasure washed over him. He felt his cock stiffen and erupt inside his pants, the wet sticky fluid gushing against his underwear and onto his twitching, pulsing shaft. 

Severus' cheeks turned deep red as he panted above her. "I'm sorry ..." He said softly. 

 

When Severus's thrusting slowed, Lily had to fight back an instinctive surge of impatience; if Severus needed to slow down that was fine... She was briefly confused when he broke the kiss. Was something wrong? She held him as he rested his head against her shoulder, suddenly realizing that Severus was trying to get control of himself... and then it was over.

He looked so terribly embarrassed. "It's alright," Lily insisted quickly, holding him close. "Really. This... this is new for both of us." She didn't know what else to say to reassure him, so she kissed him, gently, one hand running lightly through his hair.

Severus wished a trap door would open and he just didn't care what was in it. Then again, he'd never actually satisfied a woman before so he didn't know why he thought this would be any different. 

Her reassurances just made him more embarrassed. He pulled away from her, sitting down on the floor beside her still wishing the floor would open up and consume him. 

"I'm sorry ... That was .... I didn't mean ..." Severus sighed in both embarrassment and annoyance. 

Well, that had backfired. If anything, Severus seemed even more embarrassed. Lily sat up, and looked over at him, dismayed, trying to think of anything she could say that wouldn't just make things worse. She had no experience to draw on. From what she'd heard, guys tended to be extremely self-conscious about this sort of situation... but no one else seemed to know what to say to make it better either. She wanted to tell him it really wasn't that big a deal... but to him it clearly was a big deal. None of the other reassurances that came to mind seemed like they would do any good either.

After a moment, she reached out and took his hand in both of hers.  
"Sev," she said gently. "It's really alright. I mean it. I'm happy just being here with you." 

"Still ..." He said laying back on the blanket. "I should have done more for you." He said holding his arm out to her for her to lay with him. He used his free hand to magically vanish the mess in his pants first. 

Lily lay down next to Severus, and snuggled up close against him, her head resting on his shoulder. "I'm perfectly happy," she smiled. "I promise." She'd come here to see him, to have some time just for the two of them. Right now, that was enough.

Severus sighed as he wrapped his arm around her, his hand on her arm. He was more comfortable laying here on the hard floor than he ever had been before, laying here with her. It wasn't long before he drifted off to sleep unintentionally. 

Lily enjoyed just lying there next to Severus, feeling his arms around her. After weeks of not even having a chance to talk to one another, this was completely perfect. She noticed a change in his breathing; Sev had fallen asleep. Made sense, really. His new job probably had him exhausted. And he just looked so peaceful... Lily decided she'd keep an eye on the time and wake him up later. But within minutes, she had fallen asleep herself.


	37. In The Hospital Wing ...... Again.

((A/N – Guess what guys. It’s the 1 year anniversary of Chalk Outline! Or at least, one year since we started posting it anyway. :D If anyone has been following since the beginning, holy wowzas, you’re awesome. And even to the new readers, you’re all awesome as well. Thank you so much everyone for reading, and don’t worry, we haven’t forgotten about this! On with the show!)) 

 

Chapter 37 

James was already in a bad mood as he made his way to the Room of Requirement. Casual excuses to get away weren't enough anymore; Sirius had started to notice that James was hiding something from him, and had started to take it personally. It wasn't that James didn't want to trust him. But if Padfoot was going to continue acting this way, then he just wasn't responsible enough. And lately, he was driving James completely mental. 

When James opened the door, he found... a piano. And Snape, passed out asleep on the floor with his arms around Lily Evans. James's blood boiled. It had occurred to him a couple of times, of course. But actually seeing it was still a shock to the system. And after all the time lately he'd spent keeping Sirius in check, trying to get him to back off and leave Snape alone, the slimy bastard went and... James wanted to walk up and kick Snivellus's greasy head, but that probably wasn't the best idea. Instead, he walked up and nudged Snape in the shoulder with his foot, harder than was strictly necessary.  
"I'm sorry," said James in a loud, sarcastic voice. "Is this a bad time? Perhaps I should come back later."

Lily blinked awake to find Potter standing over them. Her face burned with embarrassment. 

Severus bolted awake knocking Lily back by accident and grabbing onto Potters foot he pulled forward and knocked James to the ground. He was on top of him with his wand to his throat before he even registered who James was or what was going on around him. 

"Sev, wait!" Lily yelled as Severus lunged for Potter.

Severus blinked a few times and pulled his wand away. "Merlin's beard Potter I could have killed you!" 

Before James even knew what had happened, he landed hard on his back, with Snape on top of him and a wand pointed at his throat. He hadn't even had time to react. He couldn't help but breathe a sigh of relief as Snape fully regained awareness and put his wand away.

"You're bloody right you could have," James snapped, shoving Snape off of him, sore as he stood back up again. He had hit the ground a lot harder than he felt was remotely necessary. "If you always wake up like that, maybe you shouldn't be falling asleep around other people in the first place."

"That's not your business, Potter," Lily coolly informed him, standing up.

"The hell it--!" James started, but realized he didn't have a valid argument for that. Very dearly wanting Evans to be his business didn't actually make it so. He shoved a hand through his hair. "Whatever," he said. "But that doesn't stop the rumors from spreading. I'd have thought you knew better than to be so bloody careless."

"Last I checked," said Lily. "Mary does not have access to the Room of Requirement."

"That's not the POINT!" James shouted. 

"Are you going to say anything Potter?" Snape asked bored as he stood up from the floor where James had pushed him. "Getting me sacked seems a bit counterproductive." He said brushing off his clothing even though there was no dirt on the floor of the room of requirement. 

Lily shot James a glare. She didn't put it past him. "No, I am not going to bloody tell anyone," James snapped. Did they really think he was that petty? Snape probably knew he wouldn't, but Evans... More than anything, it bothered James that Lily's opinion of him was that low. He took a deep breath to calm himself. "But you two need to figure out a way to keep this from getting out. That's all." He glanced over at Severus, still wanting more than anything to just punch him in the face. Repeatedly. "Given the circumstances, Snape," he said. "I think we should reschedule our training session." He headed for the door. 

"Get your ass back here Potter, you're training tonight. You have a room full of students in here tomorrow and you're nowhere near prepared." He said. "You think the dark lords ever been like 'oh well due to the circumstance we shouldn't kill these muggles today, let's do it tomorrow.’ You're stalling Potter!" 

Lily looked over at Severus, surprised. The way he'd spoken to James just now... it sounded an awful lot like Severus was really the one in charge here. A few things clicked into place. Severus's brilliant mind, and his previous fixation with the Dark Arts... Somehow, she seriously doubted that James knew more about defense. Severus was training Potter, not the other way around. But no one trusted Severus Snape enough to follow him. Lily wondered when precisely either of them had planned to tell her that.

James stopped where he was, almost to the door. Very slowly, he turned around, barely containing his anger. "Of course," he said sarcastically, looking down pointedly at the blanket on the floor. "Because you're the one taking things seriously."

Lily sighed. "Oh, grow up, Potter." She crossed her arms, and looked over at Severus. "Would you like me to leave?" 

Severus looked at her a shook his head. "No, pull up a seat. I'm sure he'd love an audience." He said taking off his coat and laying it over the piano. He turned to James and held his hands out to the sides. 

"If you got something to say Potter, just out and say it." 

Lily took Severus's invitation, sitting down on the piano bench.

"Yes," James said, glaring back at Snape. "I do have something to say. In the future, when we have a training session, plan your personal meetings for a different night, or at least at an early enough time that the two don't overlap. Or would that be too much trouble?" James was aiming for reasonable, but he thought his words came out sounding a little bitter. Not nearly as bitter as he felt, though. It was bad enough that Lily was inexplicably with Snape. But actually seeing them together like that was more than James could handle. 

"Or perhaps when I tell you to show up at 9 you show up at 9 not 8!" Severus said waving at him as if daring him to attack first. 

"Well, excuse me for being early!" James snapped. In an instant, he had his wand out and aimed a 'Stupefy'' at Snape, on his guard and preparing to block whatever Snape would counter with. He knew he needed to get a hold of his temper, to focus, to avoid making a complete idiot of himself in front of Evans. No doubt Snape was planning precisely that. They might be fighting for the same side, but right now James was sure Snape was capable of just about anything to spite him. 

Snape flicked his wand blocking the spell easily. "Sloppy potter. You're lucky we're not in class, I'd deduct points for bad form." He said stepping away from Lily. He remained silent as he waited for Potters next attack. 

As much as James hated to admit it, Snape was right. He needed to get it together, stop thinking about Lily Evans sitting at the piano bench watching, stop thinking about the blanket on the Room of Requirement floor, stop thinking about... Maybe it had all been just an exercise, to psych James out, one of Snape's bizarre lessons, to force him to focus in the face of distractions, and maybe Lily was in on it, and not really into Snape at all, because didn't that really make more sense? Didn't it?  
...This was precisely what he should not be thinking about right now.

James shot a Petrificus Totalus Snape's way, trying to focus and use his energy more efficiently. Which, again, would have been easier under different circumstances.

Snape didn't even bother blocking it, he just side stepped the spell before it hit him. "You're using up too much Chakra in your attacks Potter ..." He said. "My grandmother duels better than you do. And she's a seventy year old muggle." He said. "Focus your mind, pay attention ... stop watching Lily. She's not yours to oogle at." He said calmly, throwing a simple hex at James. 

Chakra? The word sounded vaguely familiar, but Lily didn't know much about it. That had something to do with Eastern magical theory, didn't it? But clearly, Sev was working with it directly, and teaching James to do the same. And Sev was being relatively mature about working with Potter... up until that last comment. Lily raised an eyebrow. That... sounded an awful lot like Severus was trying to make James angry on purpose.

If so, it worked. James snarled as he blocked Severus's hex, and countered with another curse.

Oddly enough, it worked on her too. For the first time, Lily wondered just how 'accidental' the timing of this meeting had been. Hadn't her assurances that she wanted to be with him been enough? Was Severus really so insecure that he still saw this as a competition? Or was this about getting back at Potter? Somehow, that was almost worse. As much as Potter tended to infuriate her, Lily didn't like feeling used.

"I'll leave you both to it, then," Lily said icily. "There's getting to be too much testosterone in this room for my liking anyway." She stood up, picked up her bag, and headed for the door. 

Severus paused in the duel and looked at Lily as she walked away in a huff. The pause was a huge mistake. James sent some sort of spell at him and before he could react the spell hit him square in the chest, sending him flying back into the piano, the instrument making a loud resounding noise as it moved a few inches with the force of the hit. The chair went flying across the room, and Severus fell to the floor around splintered pieces of wood. He'd used Chakra to protect his back where it had hit, had he not he'd have no doubt in his mind that he would have been severely, if not permanently injured. Even with his Chakra though, pain shot through his back and his vision swam, his wand scattered on the floor a few feet away from him. 

The horrible crashing and splintering of wood, combined with an awful cacophony of jangling and torn piano strings, resounded through the room, its echo reverberating off of the walls. Lily spun around, dropping her bag to the floor at the sight of Severus collapsed amidst pieces of broken piano.  
She cursed under her breath and ran to him, falling to her knees beside him in the debris. "Severus?" she tried to keep her voice calm. "Are you alright?"

James ran forward as well, but Lily waved him aside.

"You've done enough already, Potter," she said curtly.

"But-- but I just..." James stammered. He was still shocked that he'd managed to hit Snape in the first place, let alone send him flying through the piano. Lily shook her head. "If someone has to go for help, you can do that," she said irritably. "Until then, just stay back." She turned back to Severus, looking for evidence of any broken bones. It was likely, though, that his back had taken the worst of it, in which case... "Sev?"

Severus groaned and laid back, uncaring about the wood underneath him. "I'll be fine." He said, wincing as the floor helped him straighten his back. "It's fine ..." He said opening his eyes which were starting to water, more from being dazed than actual pain. "Just .... gimme a minute." He said 

"Okay, just lie still, alright?" Lily said, fighting back the urge to panic as Severus moved slightly to straighten his back... then felt a touch of relief. "Well, apparently your spine's okay," she muttered under her breath. Though there was no way it should have been.

"He probably did a Chakra thing," Potter supplied. "To protect him when he landed."

"A 'Chakra thing,'" Lily repeated flatly. "Tells me nothing." But as long as it had worked, she didn't care what it was.

There was a trickle of blood at the side of Severus's head. She looked closely at his eyes as they opened. His irises were so dark that it was hard to tell, but she was fairly certain one pupil was more dilated than the other.

"Also, I'm pretty sure you have a concussion," she told Severus. "So we'll need to get you to the Hospital Wing, once we're sure you can move okay. Can you try moving your left leg for me please?" 

Severus stared at her for a minute, his mind trying to process what she was saying and it was a few seconds before he finally complied. "Why?" He asked as he moved his left leg. It made his back hurt a bit more so he stopped moving it, and put it back on the floor. "I'm fine, I just ... need a minute ...." 

"Because you're concussed," Lily repeated, more certain this time than before. "Okay. That's good. Can you move your right leg now please?" She continued the process, moving on to getting him to try to move each arm. She was reassured by this point that his back and both legs were fine, which should at least make getting to the Hospital Wing easier. James mostly just paced about, watching, clearly uneasy with the whole thing. Well, he should have thought about that before he decided to throw Severus at a piano. 

Severus slowly sat up, wincing as he put too much pressure on his injured arm. He looked down to see blood slowly soaking through his black sleeve. He ignored it as he used his other arm to sit up slowly. He most definitely needed to get to the hospital wing. 

James walked back over to Snape as the guy slowly sat up and saw the sheen if wet on the black fabric. With the fabric so dark it was hard to see that there was anything even there, but when the light reflected off of it, you could see the slight sheen of the blood. It was the only thing it could be on his sleeve. "We'll help you to the hospital wing. We can't exactly call anyone in here." 

Lily glanced over at James, and nodded in agreement. She was grateful that he seemed serious about sticking around to help. Admittedly, she'd been a little hard on him just now. They had been dueling after all. And if Lily hadn't gotten angry, Sev probably wouldn't have been distracted and might not have gotten hurt in the first place. It was just a stupid accident. Still, Lily could recall more than a few times over the years and it had blatantly been Potter's fault... He had a lot to atone for.

"Hang on," Lily said, digging into her bag and pulling out a sweater, which she then tied into a makeshift sling and used to secure Severus's injured arm. "We can't have that arm getting jostled about." She'd seen the way Sev had gingerly avoided putting pressure on it. Aside from all the blood, if the pain was bad enough for him to notice when he was this concussed, it might be broken.  
Once that was done, she and James carefully helped Severus to stand up. 

Severus stood, but wasn't exactly stable on his feet. James held most of his weight as they lead him to the hospital wing. There were only a few students in the hall, and James knew they would need a plausible reason for Severus' "accident". If got back to anyone other than Dumbledore or McGonnagall there could be some serious issues and James could get expelled for 'attacking' a teacher. Assistant or not.

"I hope you have a good excuse for this Snape ... Gonna get me expelled." He said as they reached the hospital wing. 

Lily glanced over at James; he was right. This would look bad. She'd been so concerned about making sure Severus was alright, getting him to the Hospital Wing without making his injuries worse, that she hadn't thought about the possible repercussions for James, or how much of a risk he was taking just helping her walk Severus to the Hospital Wing. Who knew what people would assume?   
Lily shook her head. "He won't let that happen," she said. "We'll come up with something." 

Madam Pomfrey saw James and Lily helping a dazed looking Severus into the hospital wing and pursed her lips. "You know Professor Snape ... one of these days I would like to see you come into the hospital wing and not be injured from some half-cocked duel you've gotten yourself into." She said as Severus laid down on the bed. James removed the sweater from his arm now that he was laying down. 

"There was no duel ... He ... uh ...." James paused and looked to Lily. "I'm not sure what happened really .... He was on the sixth floor landing with Lily when I ran into them." 

"He tripped and fell down the stairs," Lily said, looking simultaneously concerned and embarrassed. "I guess he was just distracted... He was reading while walking again."

As lame as the excuse of falling down the stairs sounded, it wasn't really that farfetched. When his thoughts were preoccupied, Severus did have a history of sometimes failing to pay attention to his surroundings. They could do worse in the excuse department. 

Poppy sighed. "I'm not surprised. Severus ...." She said scolding as she used her wand to cut open his jacket sleeve. Sure enough there was a lump on his arm under his shirt. She would have to repair his arm after, for now, she was more worried about his head. She ran a diagnostic spell on him. Sure enough he had a concussion, though it didn't seem to be too bad. Poppy moved onto his arm and once again used her want to cut open his shirt sleeve. "You two might want to look away. Lily, stand over there and get Severus to look at you." She said waiting for Lily to comply. 

Lily nodded, and went to stand over by Severus, where Madame Pomfrey had indicated. "Severus," she said gently. "I need you to look over here for a minute, okay?"

James had been considering leaving; they'd gotten Snape here, there wasn't a whole lot else he could do, and Madame Pomfrey had things perfectly under control as usual... but something about the way Lily acted toward Snape annoyed James into staying. Irrational as it might be, he didn't like the idea of leaving the two of them together. And for the life of him, James couldn't understand it. Why Snape? 

Poppy opened his sleeve and shook her head. Sure enough, a bit of the bone was sticking out from the skin, which explained why there was so much blood. "Lily, hold his hand. Potter, come over to this side, and hold his shoulder down. If he moves I could do more damage to his arm than is already done." She said as James came over. He was reluctant to touch Snape anywhere near his greasy hair, or ... anywhere for that matter, but he had no choice. It was his fault after all. 

James put both of his hands on Severus' shoulder, putting all his weight down on him. Snape was a skinny guy, but who knew how strong he was when his adrenaline spiked. Poppy aimed her wand at his arm, and a few seconds later there was the sound of snapping bone and Severus screamed, his eyes closed as pain shot through his arm. His whole body moved as he tried to force his arm away from what was causing the pain, but Poppy's hand on his wrist and James' hands on his shoulder stopped him. The rest of him, however did seem to jolt from the pain. 

Once the bone was set again Severus lay there panting, tears pricking his eyes as the pain started turned from a sharp pain into a persistent throb. Poppy healed the flesh wound before wrapping a bandage around his arm. "You'll be staying here the night Severus ..." She said moving towards a cupboard and pulling a potion out. She poured a little into a cup, measuring the exact amount and handed it to Snape who stared at it for a little longer than was considered normal before taking it from her with thin shaking fingers. 

Lily held Severus's hand, as Madam Pomfrey had instructed. She winced as Severus screamed in pain, bones snapping as they set back into place. But she kept her hold on Severus's hand, and kept her voice mostly calm. "It's okay, Severus, it's alright, it's almost over..." Which was probably pointless. She doubted he could really hear her over his own outcry of pain.

She continued to hold his hand once the bone was set, only letting go so that he could take his potion.  
Lily looked up at Poppy. "Could I sit with him awhile?" she asked. She doubted she'd be allowed to stay here with Severus the whole night; even asking for that was risky. But she hated the idea of leaving him when he was in pain. 

Madam Pomfrey nodded to Lily as Severus finished the potion and laid back against the bed, feeling his bones and his wounds heal. His head was still a bit fuzzy but it was clearing. He would need to stay in the hospital wing over night, but he'd recover. James stood at the end of the bed, his hands on the white painted metal. 

"You okay there Snape?" He asked, worried that he might have maybe caused the guy permanent damage. 

"Yeah." Snape said looking up at Potter. "No thanks to you." He said though there was no malice in his voice. Once Madam Pomfrey left Severus looked up at James. "Return to the room of requirement. And keep practicing. See if you can get up to that goal on the pillar. Walk this time instead of running." He said shifting painfully in bed.

James crossed his arms. Unbelievable. A moment ago, the guy had been writhing in agony, and already he was back to giving orders. "I'll reach it with time to spare," he said. He turned to leave, and added: 

"Goodnight, Evans."

Lily sighed. "Try not to break anything else, Potter."

James strode out of the hospital wing, and made his way back to the Room of Requirement, intent on reaching that goal by the time Snape was back on his feet again. Any goal Snape was stubborn enough to set, James was stubborn enough to beat.

"He's a walking safety hazard," Lily muttered, shaking her head. She dragged a chair over next to Severus's bed and sat down. "You sure you're okay?" she asked.

Severus nodded. "One of these days, I'll go longer than a week without landing up in here." He said smiling quietly up at her. He looked over to where Madam Pomfrey had disappeared into her office. He reached forward and took her hand. "What ever you were mad about .... I'm sorry." He said, honestly unable to remember what had happened the short period before he'd hit the piano. He just remembered she was mad at him for some reason. 

Lily looked over at him, and shook her head. "No, I'm sorry. If I'd waited to say something until later, you wouldn't have been distracted and... Anyway, it was stupid." She looked away. "I just... I don't know. It just kind of felt like you were using our relationship to show off, to get back at Potter."  
Maybe it was stupid. But if she didn't say something now, it was going to continue to bother her. 

Now Severus remembered, or rather, understood. He'd always remembered that. "No, I wasn't. But Potter needs to learn how to control his anger. And our relationship, which he is yet to know about, is what angers him the most. He needs to learn to control his emotions. He's going to be leading a group ... he can't allow his own personal feelings to get in the way." 

Lily looked over at him, still somewhat irritated. "So... you used me to make him angry for the right reasons? You didn't exactly ask me if I wanted to participate in Potter's anger management lessons. When you shove it in his face like that, maybe you know it's about teaching him to control his emotions, but Potter doesn't. He'll just see it as a competition, one that you just happen to be winning. And when Potter thinks something's a competition, he never stops." She sighed. "I get what you were trying to do, but if you make a habit of it, he's just going to get more obnoxious and out of control." 

"He won't." Severus said softly. "He may play to be a fowl little git sometimes, but he'll mature a lot faster than you think." He said. "He knows what I'm doing, and it's yet another reason he should be able to control that anger. And yet he's not. That is something he must learn quickly. For reasons I have been told by Dumbledore not to divulge, unfortunately." He said, stretching the truth a little bit. "Dumbledore thinks James is right for the task and has approached me to aid in some training before hand, since he cannot ask a teacher to do it. Dumbledore trusts the both of us ... I ask you to do the same. I do nothing to hurt you Lily ... But if it bothered you, I promise I won't do it again."  
Lily nodded. "That's all I'm asking," she said. "Just... find another way to teach Potter to control his anger, alright?"

After a moment, she said: "So, when exactly were you planning to mention that you're secretly in charge of training the group's leader?" It made a lot more sense than the story he'd given her earlier. She somehow doubted that Potter would have let Severus into the group if it were really up to him. Maybe Sev thought Potter would mature quickly, but he wasn't there yet. 

Severus shrugged. "Officially? When Voldemort is defeated." He said. "I'm not supposed to tell anyone. Not even you. But I'm sure you can keep my secret. No one will know I'm helping Potter. I will attend the meetings as I'm not officially a teacher, and am still in the age range. But officially, I know nothing about it. I wish I could tell you more, there is much much more I want to tell you but ... for now I can't." He said knowing she wouldn't like that he's keeping secrets from her. "But I will ... one day." 

Lily wanted to argue with that. Didn't she already know more than she should anyway? If she could keep that secret, then why couldn't she keep others? But then, if he wouldn't tell her, then there had to be a good reason for it. She didn't doubt that he trusted her. But this was bigger than the two of them. And it was bigger than her own curiosity. "Alright," she sighed, giving his hand a slight squeeze. Then she smiled slightly and said, "But I intend to hold you to that." 

Severus smiled softly. "I just hope you won't hate me when I tell you." He said quietly, raising her hand and kissing her knuckles. "But despite the risk ... When Voldemort is gone ... When we're safe ... I'll tell you everything." 

Lily smiled slightly as Severus kissed her hand. After having to keep their distance since they'd arrived back at Hogwarts, even the simplest gesture of affection was still thrilling. The rest of the school year seemed like an unbearably long time to keep up pretenses. At his words, though, Lily looked at him in confusion. "Severus," she said firmly, "If there's something you can't tell me right now, I understand that. But I'm not going to hate you, okay? That's one thing you don't have to worry about." 

After the strains that their friendship had survived already, she couldn't imagine what Severus thought could make her hate him now. Maybe something that had happened back when he associated with would-be Death Eaters? But that was all in the past. 

Poppy came back into the room before Severus could respond, causing him to let go of Lily's hand. Poppy paused and shook her head. "Severus, you are a member of the faculty now ... Fraternizing with students in such a manner is strictly forbidden." She said. "I will not say anything, but anyone could walk in. Be careful." Severus' cheeks reddened slightly. "Now, Miss Evans, I suggest you head to Gryffindor Tower, it will be past curfew soon." She said pulling out her wand to further fuss over the annoyed Severus.

((A/N – And there’s chapter whatever chapter this is …. 36? 37? Something like that. Hope you all enjoyed and as always please leave a review!))


	38. An Unexptected Reveal

Chapter 38 

"No .... I absolutely will not." Severus said walking away from James. "I said I will stay here, out of sight. I never said I would be involved. It's why I was training you! So that you could train them!" He said turning back to Potter. This was not the time to argue about this. The group would start arriving in small intervals soon. 

James was about to continue arguing, but glanced at the time. People would be arriving any minute, and with Snape flat out refusing to continue the conversation, James wasn't getting anywhere anyway. "Fine," James snapped. "Go skulk in the shadows then."

Stubborn git.

It wasn't that James couldn't lead a group of people. But he was supposed to be teaching something he'd just learned himself, and didn't feel fully qualified. And this was something that actually mattered. If he messed this up, people could end up getting killed later on. And he wasn't comfortable with that. 

Severus shook his head as he used his chakra to walk up to the rafters, sitting on one of them to observe the lesson. To see exactly what Potter had taken from their lessons, and what he would first teach them. 

Marcus was the first to arrive, sneeking in through the door making sure he wasn't seen. He'd had a heck of a time sneaking away from his house mates when the coin burned. He was surprised he was the first to arrive, he thought for sure there would be others already. 

"Potter." He greeted, nodding his head in greeting. The door clicked open again and three Gryffindors and a Ravenclaw boy all stepped in, one after the other. The hall must have been empty. 

"What the hell is he doing here?" One of the Gryffindor' boys asked. Tyler Mason if Snape could recall correctly. "We don't want any snitches in here! Go slither back into your hole!"

James stepped forward. "Oh, there won't be any snitching from this group, I can assure you." He looked at Tyler pointedly. "McFagan's been invited to join us for a reason. If you trust my judgment, you'll give him the benefit of the doubt for now, alright? Or at the very least refrain from insulting fellow team members." 

Tyler looked at James. "You've got to be joking." He said. "I thought this was a serious matter, not a fucking joke." He said turning from James to leave one of his friends following him. The Ravenclaw boy stopped them. 

"James chose everyone here for a reason. If McFagan is here, then there's a reason for it. Let's stay here and wait for everyone to get here. It's not as if he can snitch on us without getting himself in trouble anyway."

There would probably be a few other reactions like Tyler's, but this team wasn't going to get anywhere if they couldn't find a way to work together. Resentfully, he might have to admit to himself that he'd learned something from Snape's outlandish training exercises. 

Remus showed up in the doorway, just as Tyler was about to walk out, and raised an eyebrow. "Did I miss anything?"

"Not really," James said. "People have just started arriving."

Remus could be generally counted on to keep a level head, which, if encouraged, might help to diffuse a few situations before they got out of hand. James had already had a brief word beforehand cautioning him to keep an eye out for McFagan. There would probably be more hostility before people got used to having a Slytherin in the group, and if someone was bothering him, he might not trust James's impartiality enough to report it himself. Of course, McFagan wouldn't have been so isolated in the first place if Snape would interact like a normal person and quit lurking in the rafters like a giant bat...

People continued making their way to the Room of Requirement at intervals, mostly one or two at a time. Lily Evans arrived on schedule, acting coolly civil toward James which... was better than outright hostility, he guessed. Best not to think about that right now; he was going to need to be able to concentrate.

Once everyone arrived Tyler was the first to speak up. "So who here wants to take a vote." He said before James could say anything. "To get rid of our snake problem?" He said glaring at McFagan. Severus didn't like the looks of this, and wondered how Potter would handle this and how the others would react. 

It seems everyone was reluctant to humour the boy and looked to James for guidance. Well ... At least there was a small miracle. Snape crouched down on one of the rafters, blending in like one of the gargoyles that crouched up this high. He was sure the room conjured them for just that reason. 

James crossed his arms and looked directly at Tyler. "We're not doing that," he said firmly, keeping his voice calm, but audible to the rest of the room. "I get what you're trying to do. Really. But I just told you I invited McFagan to join us for a reason. We need every capable witch and wizard who's willing to support the cause. And we're not going to accomplish anything if we start just singling people out to reject for no good reason." 

Tyler crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against the pilar. 

"What are we here for? You said something about a resistance? Something like training?" A Ravenclaw girl asked. 

"That's exactly right," said James, looking around at everyone in turn. "We all know that the Death Eaters are continually growing in numbers, and that the fight against them isn't getting any easier. If you're here, it's because you're not content to just sit back and wait for somebody else to do something about it. The goal of this group is to train in advanced defense against the dark arts. In the short term, this would enable us all to look out for each other and stay safe. The long term goal is that, by the time we graduate Hogwarts, we'll all be prepared to face what's out there, to take part in the resistance. A lot of what we'll be practicing are less familiar techniques, things the enemy won't see coming."

James glanced around the room. "Next question?"

Whatever doubts, concerns, or misgivings anyone had, James wanted it out in the open now, so that he could deal with it. Everyone here needed to know from the beginning what this group was about. 

A meek little Hufflepuff third year raised her hand as if she were in class, but a much larger Gryffindor boy raised his voice before she could ask her question.

"And who exactly would be teaching us? You? No offence your grades are great but what makes you better than us?" He asked gesturing at the rest of them. "You have the same schooling we do and are in the majority of the classes we're in. What makes you so qualified? 

"That's a fair point, I'll grant you," said James, focusing his chakra and pacing casually as he talked. "I'm not any better than anyone here." He approached the pillar where he'd spent hours and hours practicing that damn technique. Since the time Snape had ended up in the hospital wing, James had finally gotten to a point where he was able to reliably walk most of the way up the pillar without rushing. He continued walking casually as he talked... up the side of the pillar.

"However," he continued, careful to keep his concentration. "I have been doing some extensive training outside the Hogwarts curriculum."

He was most of the way up, at the highest point he knew he could reliably reach. He paused, applying all of his concentration, and turned around and walked back down the pillar.  
"Next question."

The Gryffindor boy who had spoken before laughed. "So what? We're going to walk up walls to defeat the dark lord?" He asked as three people turned to leave. "This is pointless." He said turning to leave with them. "If we wanted to learn how to walk up and down walls, we'd go to Zonko's Joke Shop." He said waving James off as a joke. Snape shook his head at the four that were heading towards the door. They were on the 'iffy' list, and he knew they would be hard to convince. They would be even harder if they saw him. 

"Come on Potter .... I taught you more than that ....show them something worthwhile." Snape muttered under his breath, even though he knew James couldn't hear him. 

James shook his head. "That's just a particularly visual example. Just one variation of a technique that can be used to get more power or focus in your spells while using less energy, or to impair your opponent's ability to use magic at all."

"Still," he said, knowing that Snape was about to be absolutely livid with him. "The guy who's been training with me can do even more. And Dumbledore certainly seems to think he's qualified to teach. Which is why Snape and I will be working together to train anyone who is interested."

That should do it. Snape would have to show himself now; while he might not give a damn whether James made a fool of himself under ordinary circumstances, this whole project would probably fall apart if Snape left him hanging now. Of course, there was also a distinct possibility that Snape would kill him after the meeting. 

James' estimation that Snape would be livid was an understatement. They weren't supposed to know he was there. Snape was so angry his whole face turned red and his head swam. What was wrong with him! He could compromise this whole thing. No one in this room would trust him as far as they could throw Hagrid! He stood up on the rafters and looked down at James from where he stood, wondering if he could land on the boy without permanently crippling him. The thought was tempting but no. He'd just have a rather well worded, scarily calm conversation with him later. 

James was pointing up towards the rafters where Snape was standing and already Snape could hear the protests, but half the eyes in the group where now looking for him. Snape sighed. Well ....now that he'd been revealed, he might as well help. He saw the protesting half of the group start to leave and he jumped from one pillar to another, stopping on the one near the door and stepped forward, feeling himself drop the sixty feet towards the ground. The students jumped back when they saw him jump, a few of them screamed, a few others closed their eyes. 

When Snape landed, he landed in a crouch, a blue light emitting from his feet, and like a shock wave rolled up his legs to his hips, up his torso to his head and then it was gone. His chakra absorbing the impact of the fall. The group stared at him, wide eyed as he blocked the door way. 

"I believe you're all here for a reason." He said crossing his arms over his chest. 

Even Lily flinched when she saw Severus jump, frozen in shock, half convinced that he was going to hurt himself... She stared, relief washing over her when he landed safely. She'd had no idea that he could do that... 

James smirked slightly. Snape kept cool and in control on the surface, but James could tell he was beyond furious. Even now, James really couldn't help taking some small degree of satisfaction in that. This time, though, it was at least for a good reason. Whatever misgivings people might have about Snape, his entrance had made one hell of an impression.

"I know what some of you are probably thinking," said James. "But the time for letting our petty differences lead us is over. What matters now is who is willing to commit to bringing The Dark Lord down." He paused for a moment, then added: "And I think we can all agree that's not something you'll learn at Zonko's. So," he looked around the room. "Who's in?" 

"Committed to bringing you know who down?!" The Gryffindor cried. "HE'S ASPIRING TO BE A DEATH EATER!" He practically yelled. "ITS BAD ENOUGH YOURE LETTING SLYTHERINS IN BUT YOURE LETTING IN A DEATH EATER AND A TEACHER?!?!" 

"No," said James calmly, staring pointedly at his fellow Gryffindor. "But evidently I've let in an idiot. I mean, come on. If I of all people can vouch for him, don't you think there'd have to be a valid reason? Do you really think he sneakily gained my trust with his winning personality?" he glanced over at Snape and said, "No offense, but you're unpleasant and dislikable." He turned back to the Gryffindor. "And if Dumbledore made him a teacher, have you ever considered there's a good reason for that? That just maybe Albus Dumbledore might know something you don't? Of course, you could make the argument that there's some dark magic afoot... but enough to control Dumbledore? Really? I'll admit Snape has some pretty impressive skills, but he's not that formidable. If that were really possible, Hogwarts would have fallen to the Death Eaters some time ago."

In the back, Lily raised her hand.

"Something to add, Evans?" said James.

Lily shrugged. "It might be nothing, but I heard a rumor that a few of the Slytherins stopped talking to him toward the end of last term," she said. No one needed to know she'd been there when the falling out occurred. "Some of the really suspicious ones," she added. "Is that true?"

James looked over at Snape. "Seriously? Even the Death Eaters aren't talking to you? With skills like that? You must be more annoying than I thought."

Lily wanted to throw something at James's head for the needless insult, but he'd gotten the point across: If the Death Eaters weren't on speaking terms with Snape, it was highly unlikely that he was one of them. 

"A few of them are still trying to get me to join, but it's all from Death Eaters who have already graduated and will be dealt with accordingly." 

"Why don't you join them and then act as a spy?" A little Ravenclaw girl asked quietly. 

"NO!" Severus said a bit more harshly than he'd intended. He cleared his throat. "No ..." He said more calmly. "I will not join them. End of story." 

Well. That was uncharacteristically vehement. He'd been a hell of a lot less reserved about that suggestion than about being pointed out and made to participate in the meeting despite his express orders to the contrary. Then again, James and just about everybody else had suspected Snape of Death Eater affiliations for years. It had to get kind of aggravating after a while.

"Can't say I blame you," said James. "But," he added, looking over at the quiet Ravenclaw girl. "For the same reason you think he'd be good as a spy, he also has a perfect cover to be a key part of our group. No one in a million years would ever suspect that Snape's on our side." 

Severus moved to where James was standing. "We're wasting time ... Let's get this meeting started." He said using his wand to lock the door. Remus moved forward and stood next to Marcus as Severus looked to James. "Alright fearless leader, you're up whether they like it or not." He said leaning back against his pillar. 

"Are we going to be learning what you did? When you jumped down here?" The Ravenclaw girl asked. 

"Eventually, yes," James answered. "Though obviously, a sixty-foot plummet like that is something you'll have to work your way up to."

Though it had been a damn useful demonstration. Even if all Snape did for the rest of the lesson was lean against a pillar and judge him, he'd been helpful. That jump had really gotten their attention, and showed off the practical applications of chakra manipulation in a way that was much more impressive.

A chalk board appeared behind James. "Just now, Snape pulled that off by manipulating something called chakra. Anyone know what that is?"

"Well," said Lily. "Among Muggles, the word is used in some Buddhist and Hindu meditation and traditional medicine. Doesn't it have something to do with the flow of energy through the body?"

"Oh," said Remus, suddenly remembering something he'd read. "Isn't that a major premise of Eastern magic theory? That the way we use magic works through currents of energy?"

"That's right," said James. "Which the European approach to magic tends to ignore in favor of focusing on the spells themselves. But, as Snape has just demonstrated, there are really useful applications for working with chakra directly. And we'll have an edge, because the Death Eaters won't expect it..."

James proceeded to give the group a quick overview of what Snape had taught him about chakra, using the chalkboard to show important concepts, and answering questions as he went. Noticing that a few Ravenclaws and the occasional industrious Hufflepuff had their quills out, taking notes, James said:  
"For our purposes, it's more important to understand how to use these concepts effectively than to know what everything is called. However, those of you who learn better when you take notes, come see me and Lupin after the session, and we'll show you some charms you can use to keep just anyone from reading them. For obvious reasons, I don't want any of those parchments to leave this room unprotected."

Remus and James exchanged a glance; Sirius must absolutely never know about this. He would kill them if he knew they were sharing any of the techniques they'd used to create the Marauder's Map, especially with Snape in the vicinity.

"Right," said James. "Are there any more questions before we move on to practicing how to focus your chakra?" 

Snape watched amused as James taught the group exactly what he had taught James. It was a very simplified version, but he had his facts straight. Snape wondered if any of them would actually be able to focus their chakra with the little information that was given. 

Remus raised his hand as if he were in class. "Is there a down side to directly using your chakra?" 

"Some," said James. "It does take a lot of energy out of you, particularly early on when you're still learning. That's something you have to be very careful to be aware of, and pace yourself as you're practicing, otherwise it's very easy to wear yourself out."

Fortunately, he didn't think anyone else here was quite as much of a stubborn ass as he was, and wouldn't need to learn that from experience to believe it. He glanced over at Snape. "Any precautions you'd like to add to that?" 

There were plenty of things Snape wanted to add, but he kept most of them to himself. "Just one. Make sure you don't over exert your chakra network, it could cause minor temporary to large permanent damage to your chakra network. So if you feel yourself becoming fatigued, take a pause for a little bit. Before you damage it ... It's much like a muscle, if you pull or tear a muscle it can take weeks to months to heal without magic. You can't use magic to repair your chakra network, it would need to heal on its own. For example ..." 

Snape moved forward and with two fingers, brushed past Potters rib. He expelled a shot of his own chakra straight into Potter clumsily attacking his chakra network. "I just shot out one, if not a few of Potters chakra points, by over building chakra inside. It will take a while for that to heal." He said smirking at Potter. "Did that hurt?" 

Unprepared for Snape's vindictive little demonstration, James felt a sharp stabbing pain in the ribcage. He winced slightly before glaring back at him, and saying in a very even, matter-of-fact tone through gritted teeth, "Yes. Yes it did." Incidentally, it would also hurt if I punched you in the face.

But that was a conversation to continue later. Right now, Remus was glancing back and forth between them with evident concern. And, while the others here might not be quite as perceptive as Remus, things would quickly fall apart if James and Snape didn't make some effort to present a reasonably united front. Which Snape was counting on. Bastard.

"Moving on..." James proceeded to instruct the others on how to focus their chakra, answering questions as they came up, before giving them time to practice.

It was nearly two hours before the majority of the group slowly dwindled out, making sure not to be seen by anyone outside until they were far enough away. Remus hesitated in the room, knowing the tension that happened during the meeting between Snape and James. Not wanting to leave the two alone, but having no choice. 

"You guys uh ... you guys take care." He said. "I'll see you in the common room." He said leaving the room, not knowing what else to say. Snape at this point was leaning against a wall, glaring daggers at James. Once Remus closed the door Snape finally spoke. 

"Do you want to tell me what all that was about? I thought I told you not to tell them I was here." 

James crossed his arms and looked back at Snape calmly. "And I told you I thought that was a stupid idea, and decided to act on my own judgment. Which, by the way, worked. You were helpful in running the meeting. Anyway, they deserve to know they can count you as an ally from the beginning." 

"Or it could have gone the opposite way and we could have done all this work for nothing! You're still not thinking about the consequences ... They were all listening to you. I barely said anything this entire lesson, it was all YOU ....as it should have been. I said a few things, but nothing you couldn't have answered on your own. The only thing bringing me out into the open did ... was make them skeptical. They don't trust me. Not at all. The only reason they dropped it, is because you told them too. But the thought is still there." Snape said, his voice calm but clearly angry. "And who's to say now that one of them doesn't go complaining about how I'm involved in the fight against Voldemort and it gets back to my own house? You ever think about that? It's not ONLY about their trust of me James .... I'm in DANGER helping you guys, just by being here. You guys are in no danger doing this little meet and greet, in fact I’m sure most people expect it. However if the wrong person catches wind of the fact that I'm helping you guys ... I ....Am .....DEAD!"

He said pausing staring at Potter. "I did this once ... I DIED for your cause, I will not do it again. I said I will help you ..... I never said I'd get fully involved. And now you've drug me into this and even though it's the first meeting, I cannot back out, because they know. They know I am fighting Voldemort ... So ... Mr. Potter ....in all your wisdom, in deciding that keeping your 'secret instructor' a secret wasn't important .... What now? Since you seem to know everything." He said his eyes boring into his. "What now, when it gets out?"He asked, his lips pursed. "You don't get it do you? I was neck deep in becoming a death eater, you don't just walk away from that, never mind join a resistance against it. If any of you fought against Voldemort NO ONE would be surprised. You wouldn't become a target as an individual ... If a single one of them even whispers anything of my being here today to the wrong person .... I might as well paint a target on my chest that says 'Aim here' " 

James stood in stunned silence for a moment. He hadn't thought of that at all. Put that way, James never really had the right to make that decision on his behalf, no matter how much of an ass Snape was. He'd just assumed Snape was being needlessly stubborn. It only now occurred to him that Snape might be afraid. 

Finally, James said quietly, "Look, maybe I was out of line to do this the way that I did. But you made that list of people to join. You specifically selected people you thought could be trusted. None of them are going to talk about this group, so none of them are going to talk about you. It's not going to get out, at least not that way." He paused for a moment, then added irritably, "Anyway, I may hate your guts, but if it comes down to it, I'm not letting you get killed. I thought we established that." 

"Yes cause you have so much control over it. I made the list off of members who were in the order in my past life time, but it may have escaped your notice, but they didn't trust me then either! The list wasn't about me trusting them, or them trusting me ... it was based off their personalities and their drives to defeat The Dark Lord!" He said turning away from James. "I didn't want to get involved with this." He said quietly. "This may be new for you, but I spent almost seventeen years fighting this man ... That's longer than you've been alive! If at any point during this, I find myself in a position I am unable to escape .... Don't expect me to stick around here ... You had no right dragging me into this, when I told you I wanted little involvement. I could have easily kept all this from Dumbledore, I could have gotten everything I ever wanted and all I had to do was walk away ....From both sides. But I didn't .... I'm doing what I can to help you, Potter and heaven forbid that's not good enough for you, you have to drag me in deeper." 

He sighed and calmed himself down further. "What's done is done .... We will see where it goes from here ... You will call a meeting Saturday evening, use the coin when you're here already. I will not be here. Either you convince them wholeheartedly that I am with you guys and to keep their mouths shut about me ....or you convince them that you were wrong about me, and that I am no longer in the group and have been obliviated by Dumbledore of the memory. But if you chose the former, you better make sure it's damn convincing to them ....and that every single one of them believes you." 

"I will," James said, trying to think of what he could say to convince everyone that hadn't been said already. Short of the whole truth, which was very, very much off limits. But he couldn't just turn around now and say Snape was a Death Eater either. That could have negative ramifications of its own. He'd just have to come up with something by Saturday evening.

He turned to leave, then stopped. "Why didn't you, anyway? Just walk away from both sides?"

As much as Snape seemed to insist on working solely in the background, how was it even possible to be only halfway involved in a resistance? Sooner or later, he would have been in danger no matter what he did. Shouldn't Snape know that better than anyone? 

"I told you before Potter .... I saw a lot of people die. I'm not the same person I was before. I want him defeated before that can even start and if I can bring that end, then I will. If I NEED to get involved, I'll consider it. I know even what I'm doing now isn't safe, not in the least. And I'll never be safe until The Dark Lord is defeated." He paused and sighed closing his eyes for a moment. "Lily's involvement alone is a motivation for me to stay ... I know you don't like it Potter, but I care about her, and I will protect her. So the chances are I won't be able to walk away unless she does ... and I know her, she won't. Her heart will be set on fighting for what's right .... Frankly I don't care about this war. But I don't want to see anyone else die. It changes you ... in ways you can't imagine. When you're standing there and watching someone you've worked with for over ten years die, watching someone who considered you a friend, hearing them beg you to save them and all you can do is sit there and watch because there's a bigger picture ... but of course they don't understand that ... that look of betrayal in their eyes ... the fear ...”

He looked up at James, his expression and body language looking as if he'd suddenly aged. "It haunts you .... I know they're still alive right now .... happy and whole and it still haunts me .... I don't sleep because all I see is their faces .... See their dead accusing eyes ... You have no idea what that's like, and as much as I still hate you Potter, I pray you never do." 

James didn't have an answer for that. It was so hard sometimes to even wrap his head around how much longer this Snape had been around, the things he must have seen and done and lost... Probably better not to think about that, really. When Snape talked about those things now, it became evident that there was something broken inside him, something tormented. And yet he kept going anyway. If James thought about it for too long, he'd have to admire the bastard as well as pity him. 

But hearing Lily's name in this context, as Snape's... motivation, was like a slap in the face. Of course James had known something was going on, of course Snape and Lily were weirdly close sometimes, of course Snape liked Lily, who wouldn't? But... this was different. This wasn't just a school thing. Snape had been gone for years, but Lily was his motivation for staying, even now. What if that was the way things had always been? What if Snape and Lily had been together in the future? What if James had never really had a chance at all?

But... what was James supposed to do with that realization? So Snape wasn't just into Lily to get back at him (though he was doing one hell of a job of that anyway). So he had real feelings for her too. It wasn't as if that just made James's feelings go away though. It still hurt like hell knowing they were together. Knowing they might actually stay together just twisted the knife in farther. But then, at least Lily would be safe with Snape protecting her. As much as James hated to admit it, there was no one more qualified.

James looked away. "Yeah, I... can't even imagine what that's like. No one should have to."

What else was there to say? There was no point trying to discuss Lily with Snape. Now was a bad time for that argument anyway.

He headed for the door. "Night, then."

((A/N – CHAPTER …. What is this? 38? (scrolls back up) Yeah 38 ….. Hope you all enjoy. And as always – leave that review. We love love love them, no words to express how I love getting that little notification. So please take a few seconds to leave a cheeky little review.))


	39. Another Meet

Chapter 39 

Severus walked quietly in the room, closing the door behind him with a click before turning to Dumbledore. He wasn't wearing his teaching robes despite just having gotten out of class. His classes, as expected, were hell. McGonagall was gone for three days and had left him in charge of teaching the classes, since he was more than 'capable'. Gratefully, in the Gryffindor and Slytherin class when the Gryffindor's were making fun of him and throwing stuff at him no matter how many points he deducted, James had been the one to stand up and yell at them to 'sit the fuck down'. Despite James standing up for him, he deducted 5 points for swearing in class, which James had rolled his eyes at but said nothing. 

He moved into the room and sat down in his usual chair. "You wanted to see me Headmaster?" 

"Yes," Dumbledore said with a slight nod as Severus took a seat across the desk. "There are several matters that I wish to discuss with you." Indeed, he would have preferred to bring up some of these subjects sooner. But there had been other matters for him to investigate and attend to. Moreover, Severus himself had been busy, and had no doubt required time to settle in to his new, yet not entirely unfamiliar, position.

"To begin with, how do you feel Mr. Potter's training is coming along? I trust you have encountered no insurmountable problems in working with him?"

He regarded Severus over the rims of his half-moon spectacles. No doubt there had been some difficulty at least. Poppy had mentioned not long ago that they had shown up at the Hospital Wing together. Whatever issues they had encountered, however, Severus had not deemed dire enough to inform him. Of course, that alone meant very little. Albus knew all too well that Snape's trust in him was limited. 

"It's .... coming along. Not as fast as I would like it but ... He's only fifteen ... being back in my previous body my own abilities are limited. During one of his tests I had to be taken to the hospital wing after I'd burned out my chakra ....not something I would have done as an adult." He said pursing his lips. "Worked myself into a nose bleed ..." He said though at the time the nose bleed was the least of his problems. "The first meeting went well .... though Potter deemed it fit to out me as his instructor and told them all I would be assisting. There was an outcry of course ... 'Slytherin.' 'Can't be trusted.' 'Death eater.' All that rot ...." He said crossing his arms over his chest. "They followed his instructions as I had predicted, I only spectated. He'll lead them well ....he just needs more training himself. He'd make a good teacher one day." 

Albus raised an eyebrow slightly. He doubted, somehow, that a nose bleed had been the worst of it, particularly if Snape had burned out his magic at the time. Snape seemed the type to downplay his own injuries. The young man might be very cautious now in other regards, but Albus was starting to detect a certain ambivalence toward his own wellbeing. Someone ought to talk to him about that... but coming from Dumbledore, Snape would only sneer at such warnings.

Nonetheless, Dumbledore trusted Severus to realistically assess Potter's progress, and deemed his report promising. If Snape thought Potter might make a good teacher someday, Dumbledore didn't doubt it. "Perhaps I shall have to see about getting him to join the faculty someday," Dumbledore said with a small smile, that quickly faded to a more serious expression. "How much damage do you believe Potter's revelation of your involvement caused? You said that they followed his instructions... but I take it that he has not yet managed to dispel their mistrust in you?" 

"Not in the slightest. And I think it could do a great deal of damage. More so to me than anyone else. If a single one of them tells their parents that I'm strongly involved in a 'Voldemort Resistance Group' so to speak, I'd be dead within the week. I told Potter to call another meeting. I gave him an option, either get every single one of them to trust that I'm on their side, which will be no easy feat, or get them to believe that I have left ... I won't become a spy, but it's easier if the Death Eaters think I'm neutral rather than neck deep on the good side." He said, though clearly he had other things dwelling on his mind. He hopped Dumbledore wouldn't pry. 

Albus nodded quietly. Ideally, of course, all students involved would know better than to talk about the resistance group at all... but they were teenagers, nonetheless, and their distrust for Snape was so deep that the shock of his involvement could easily cause some of them to let it slip. And Snape was enough of an asset to the fight against Voldemort that any danger to him absolutely must be minimized. Potter's choice to reveal Snape to the other members was no doubt well meant, but poorly calculated. The students had not yet had a chance to grow accustomed to Snape's sudden rise to assistant professor, and the animosity that many of them felt for him was still fresh. If Snape's involvement were to be disclosed to the others at all, now was certainly not the best time. It was ironic, really, that Snape was so worried about Dumbledore's manipulations, when it was Potter's rash decision that had exposed him to danger.

"Given Potter's stubbornness, it seems most likely that he will take your first option. I will leave it to you to judge how successful his attempt may be." 

This affected Snape directly, and Dumbledore knew it was unnecessary to remind him of the potential seriousness of the situation. From the memories Snape had shown him, Dumbledore could not blame him for refusing to be a spy. It was evident that Severus had more to lose this time.

"On another note..." Dumbledore said, very careful in his wording now. "You may recall that I once told you I believed Slughorn to possess information that could provide key insight into defeating Voldemort." Whereupon Severus had shut down the conversation, refusing to do things on any terms but his own. Since then, Albus had waited to bring it up again. "You, however, have had too much attention drawn to you lately as it is. Rather, I would like you to have Potter assign the task to whoever you deem most suitable in the group."

He was trying to give Snape some control over the decision, preferably enough to appease him. This was a relatively small scale and low-risk mission, but if Dumbledore's suspicions were correct, the importance could be monumental. 

Severus glanced up at Dumbledore as he spoke. "What does this student have to do?" Snape asked, wondering exactly how they would get information from Slughorn. "What kind of information do you require?" 

"A memory," said Dumbledore. "Of a particular discussion that occurred in Voldemort's youth. At my request, Slughorn relinquished a version of the memory that had very clearly been altered, most likely in haste. I need to know for certain what Slughorn really said that day. The student assigned this task would be shown the altered memory, and would be required to either get Slughorn to talk about the incident, or to get a hold of the original memory. Naturally, it would have to be someone he trusts." 

Severus nodded. "I have someone in mind ... though perhaps it would be better for me to speak to them than James ...." He said thinking more out loud than actually speaking to Dumbledore. "I'll speak to them tonight ... When would you like them to come?" He asked. 

Dumbledore had an idea of whom Snape had in mind. As they had already discussed, there were very few students who trusted Snape more than they trusted Potter. But Albus said nothing on the matter.

"Seven-thirty, I think would be best," Albus said. 

Severus nodded. "Seven thirty it is then." He said wondering if this was all Dumbledore wanted to speak about. "If you'll excuse me then, Headmaster, I have some papers that need to be marked." He said, hardly flinching as a student flew past the window, their Quidditch robes flowing behind them in the wind. He forgot there was a Quidditch game today, and he supposed that was where Lily would be. He'd have to track her down at their usual spot and then go mark his papers.

He left the room swiftly before Albus could dismiss him and made his way towards the Quidditch field. It wasn't long before he was walking up the stairs to the student stands to find Lily.


	40. I don't want anyone else

Chapter 40 

Lily was sitting in the stands in her usual spot. The place next to her, often occupied by Severus, was empty. She had no idea whether to expect him to turn up for the Quidditch match or not; he hadn't said anything about it, and he'd been extremely busy lately. After that last class, being around a stadium full of shouting students might be the last thing he wanted. She'd understand if he didn't turn up, but excuses to see him were getting pretty scarce.

"This seat taken?" said Potter, sitting down in Severus's spot.

Lily glanced over at him. "You didn't wait for an answer."

"Ah." Potter shrugged. "Well, is it?"

"It could be later," Lily answered coolly.

"I see," he said knowingly, then leaned in slightly and lowered his voice, so that it wouldn't be heard over the loudly cheering Hufflepuffs in the next section. Hufflepuff had a solid team this year. "Kind of bold, isn't it? The two of you attending Quidditch matches together?"

"I don't recall when it became your business, Potter," Lily said.

"Anyway, are you sure he'll show? Seemed pretty worn out. You might've noticed they were giving him hell today in class."

Lily was quiet for a moment, then said grudgingly, "I appreciate your standing up for him like that." There was only so much she could do personally without the risk of feeding the rumors, which wouldn't do Severus any good.

"Yeah, well," James shrugged and ran a hand through his hair absently. "He's easier to deal with when he has less to be pissed about." 

Severus came up the stairs and moved down the aisle. They always picked this stand because it was the farthest from most of the action, and wasn't as cluttered as the rest closer to the front. Severus paused once he reached the top of the stairs and saw none other than James Potter sitting with Lily .....His eyes narrowed, his chest starting to hurt as he started walking towards them. He didn't over hear the conversation, and had to say he really didn't want to. 

He stopped behind them both and looked to Lily, who he knew had seen him by this point. "Dumbledore requests your presence in his office at seven thirty to discuss an .... assignment ..." He said plainly, not elaborating as he had planned to in private. He turned and walked back towards the stairs without waiting for her response or acceptance. 

Lily looked up as Severus approached. He looked upset, his manner stiffer than usual. He delivered his impersonal message then turned around and walked away, not even giving her a chance to respond.

"Cold," James muttered under his breath.

Lily glared at him. "Don't make me throw something at you, Potter," she said, getting up to follow Severus.

James opened his mouth to say something, then thought better of it, and looked back at the Quidditch game. This just might be the longest conversation they'd had that didn't end with Lily throwing something at him. Well, except for that one time when James had accidentally flung Snape into a piano. Anyway, why mess that up?

Lily ran after Severus, catching up to him on the stairs. "Sev?" she asked quietly. "Are you alright?" 

"Fine ... splendid ...." He said not bothering to slow down or look at her. "I have papers to mark ..." He said going into the castle. After everything he'd said to Potter and he's STILL going after Lily? That two faced, low down .... Severus took a deep breath as he tried to calm himself down. Though why should he be surprised ... Potter was rich, good looking, and would turn out to be a great husband one day ... or so he'd been told. Whereas Snape was ugly, poor and more than likely going to be dead in a few short years. Again.

Heaven forbid he actually be able to enjoy them .... He knew she was still following him. "Go finish watching the Quidditch game with Potter .... I have things to do." He said though he sounded more upset than angry. 

Oh, not this again.

"Maybe I don't want to watch the damn Quidditch game with Potter!" she burst out in anger. "Merlin's beard, Sev, I have one halfway civil conversation with the guy and you act like it's the end of the world! If it upsets you that bloody much, at least talk to me about it!"

Severus paused and turned towards her. "Halfway civil? You seemed pretty buddy buddy with him sitting so close to you. He got any closer you'd be in his lap!" He said, though he kept his voice down as there were still a few students roaming the halls. "Why don't you just say yes to him already, save us all the trouble." He said turning from her, though he didn't really mean it. Once again his emotions where getting the better of him. 

Since coming back here he found that it had happened quite a few times, and was starting to wonder if maybe that was a side of his younger self coming through.

Lily stared in furious shock for a moment. She couldn't believe he'd just said that to her.

"By that logic, maybe you should," Lily snapped. "You spend more time with him lately than I do with either of you. And if you don't know me better than that, then you deserve each other." 

She turned on her heel to storm off down a random corridor. She didn't have to stand around and listen to Severus say hurtful things to her. 

Severus paused in the hall, a few students now staring at him. He took a deep breath, flash backs to his previous life going through his head. He had to stop her before this got to far ... He was after all an adult, he can damn well talk like one. 

"Lily wait ..." He said going down the hall she'd gone down. He had to jog down the hall to catch up. "I'm sorry. Can we ....can we go to the Room of Requirement and talk?" 

"Why?" Lily said, still walking, refusing to look at him, and not particularly caring about where she was going. This corridor, at least, was mostly empty, but she kept her voice down anyway. "Do you have any more accusations you'd like to throw at me?" 

Severus looked slightly annoyed at that. "I just said I'm sorry .... Can we talk about this somewhere private please? If you want you can shout at me all you want there, unless you're planning on getting me fired." He said quietly so that no one else could hear. Fighting or not, they were still in a relationship, and if the wrong thing was said they both could get into trouble for it. 

Lily paused for a moment, then nodded. "Alright," she said quietly. "Let's go, then." As upset as she was, Lily still didn't want to get Severus into trouble. She changed her course and started heading for the Room of Requirement. 

Once they reached the room of requirement he closed the door quietly and leaned back against the door. He sighed and looked away from her. "Look ... I'm sorry .... okay?" He asked though he knew that wouldn't be nearly good enough. If there was one thing Severus knew, was that Lily could hold a grudge. 

"I just .... I don't like you hanging around him ... he fancies you ...." He said, knowing just how much Potter actually cared for her. 

Lily crossed her arms, her stare never wavering even as he looked away from her. "Does he, now?" Lily said, sarcastically. "I hadn't noticed. It's not as if he's been hounding after me and showing off like a great bloody idiot or anything."

She sighed, trying to reign in her temper. Sev was trying to talk this out now, and they weren't going to get anywhere if she couldn't do the same. "Look, I'm not exactly the president of Potter's fan club either. But you're the one who convinced me that we needed to work with him in the first place. So, when he's not actively being an ass, it no longer makes sense for me to actively avoid him. If you don't like that, we can talk about it and work something out. But you don't get to police who I hang out with, and I really don't appreciate the way you spoke to me just now in the hallway." 

Severus didn't say anything. There was really nothing he could think of to say ... Severus sighed again. "Look I'm sorry I'm just .... I know ... I just ... I get so ... and then he ..." He didn't want to reveal to Lily what he told Potter. He was sure the boy was doing it just to annoy him ... But it wasn't as if he could explain that to Lily. He wondered briefly how she would react if she found out too late that she was supposed to be with Potter. "Maybe you should be with someone else." Here he was, second chance, and he was still standing here apologizing ... maybe he couldn't change in the way Lily would want him too. 

"But I don't want to be with someone else!" she said, frustrated. "That was the entire point of taking my time to figure that out, so that I could be sure! I'm not going to just suddenly turn around and..."

She stopped. It dawned on her that maybe that wasn't what Severus was talking about. Maybe he didn't want to be with her anymore, and didn't know how to say it. 

"Unless..." she said quietly, trying unsuccessfully to hide the emotion in her voice. "Sev, is... is this not working out for you?"

True, they didn't get nearly enough time together, due to Severus's new position, but... she'd thought they were doing alright. But maybe, on top of the other stress Severus had to deal with, keeping one more secret just added too much to the strain. Or maybe it hadn't turned out to be what Severus had hoped after all. Or maybe he was just that upset with her. 

Severus looked at her quickly, so quickly in fact that he felt his head swim for a second. "What? No .... I mean ... no I'm ... I want to be with you. I wouldn't be so upset about Potter if I didn't ... It's just that ... you deserve someone better than me. You were right last year ... when you said I can't change ..." He said looking away from her again. "You'd be better off with someone like Potter ... toe rag he may be, but he's grown up a lot ..." He said crossing his arms over his chest. Perhaps her and Potter where just meant to be together ... maybe the prophesy can't be changed. "He's the knight in shining armour, not me." 

Lily stared at him. " 'Shining armour'? Really?Sev, he's a glorified Quidditch hooligan."

But she thought she understood now, maybe. It was easy to forget how poorly Severus thought of himself. His home life had pretty clearly been hell, and then at Hogwarts he'd been generally disliked, ridiculed, tormented... That did things to a person's sense of self-worth. And then for awhile, he'd gone and made a few mistakes, which had made even Lily doubt him. But now, even though he'd turned things around, he still couldn't see himself the way Lily did. Take into account that the 'competition' had started to mature into less of an asshole... and Sev just might genuinely think Lily was better off with Potter. Which was a really bizarre realization.

She stepped toward Severus and took his hand in hers. "I'll decide what's better for me, okay?" She looked up at him. "And I was wrong to say you couldn't change. I was angry when I said that, and I didn't really mean it, even then. I'm sorry. In the past few months, you've proven the exact opposite. And you've risked a lot to do that. Can't you see how strong that makes you?"

She leaned forward and kissed him. 

Severus looked down at her as she spoke and was surprised when she leaned forward and kissed him. It was short, but it was reassuring. "So ... you're not mad at me anymore?" He asked, surprised that she would forgive him. It wasn't this easy last time. Then again, last time he'd still been going down a pretty dark path ... and they weren't dating. 

"No, Sev," Lily sighed. "I'm not mad at you anymore. Not really." And she realized it was true. Severus had reacted out of insecurity, not malice or suspicion. Though his self-esteem was going to need some serious work. "But I don't want to hear any more of this 'you deserve someone better' nonsense, okay?" She looked up at him. "I'm with you because that's where I want to be. Can you trust me on that?" 

Severus smiled slightly, though it felt a little more forced than natural. "I'll try." He said honestly. Lily of all people knew just how high his trust issues where. He leaned forward and gently pressed a kiss to her lips. Even though they'd kissed before it still sent a shiver down his spine and a wave of excitement through him. He was kissing Lily. She was his girlfriend. The thought of it alone spurred him to deepen the kiss, though it wasn't hard and passionate. It was more loving and gentle. 

Lily supposed that was all she could really ask of him. In all fairness, it couldn't be easy for him to trust even her. Severus wasn't exactly used to things actually going his way. It would take time to change that. She'd just have to stick around and show him that he was worth caring about. Maybe then he'd get it through his head and stop worrying.

She leaned into Severus's gentle kiss, wrapping her arms lightly around him. They didn't get to do this nearly enough. 

Severus broke the kiss and looked down at her. "I missed you." He said, despite seeing her nearly every day. It wasn't often that they got time alone, and being here with her alone now felt as if there really had been a void. He raised his hand up to her cheek. "I'm sorry I doubted you ..." He said sorry, once again finding himself apologizing. It seemed he did a lot of that since coming back. 

Lily looked back up at him. "It's alright," she said. "I missed you too. It's been impossible to get a moment to talk." Or anything else, for that matter. Right now, communication was the important thing. They probably could have avoided that whole stupid dispute if they just got to talk more. But she'd missed the feeling of physical closeness as well. Just the feel of his hand on her cheek was amazing right now.

She wrapped her arms more snugly around him, holding him close. "I know we can't meet as often as we'd like but... next time, let's not wait until we have something to fight about." 

Severus nodded in agreement and stepped closer to her, pulling her into a hug. Looking down at her he noticed that she had still been wearing her school uniform when she'd gone to the quidditch game. Despite being the same age as her he felt a bit odd standing like this with a student. Almost like she was something forbidden. Something he wasn't supposed to have. 

"I'd like it very much if we didn't fight anymore. Though I have a feeling knowing me it will happen again for another reason." 

Lily laughed. "Knowing us both, you're probably right." Lily knew she could be stubborn sometimes, and when she was angry with someone, she tended to let them know about it immediately. "But I think we can manage to get through it alright."

She just stood there hugging him for a while, enjoying being close to him. 

"You don't ... Find this weird do you?" He asked looking down at her. "I mean ... I'm technically a teacher now ...." He said quietly. 

"Well, now that you've pointed it out," she said jokingly. "It is irreparably weird and I just don't know if I can handle it." She smiled up at him. "But really, Sev? After I've known you this long?" She shrugged. "It's not like you're a different person in your teaching robes then you were in the uniform."

Even if, now that he'd pointed it out, the whole scenario seemed ridiculously reminiscent of a really cliché Muggle romance novel. Even so, he was still, well Sev. She had difficulty seeing him any differently just because he was an assistant professor now.

"Does it bother you?" she asked. 

"Not enough to leave you." He said leaning down to kiss her once again, his hand threading into her hair, his other had moving to her waist. 

Lily returned Severus's kiss, lips parting slightly as her mouth moved against his. She leaned into him, her hands running over his back and shoulders. 

Severus leaned forward kissing her harder as he gently pushed her back towards the pillar behind her. He ran his hands over her sides, kissing her more passionately than before. His tongue gently probing against her lips seeking entrance as his hand slid a bit under her shirt. He paused and broke the kiss. "I'm sorry ... I ..." He said raising his hand up to her face. "I just really missed this ..." He said quietly. "Missed you."

Lily wrapped her arms around the back of Severus's neck as she felt the pillar press against her back. She felt his tongue against her lips, and parted them to let him in... And then she felt his hand slip slightly under her shirt. A small thrill ran through her. That was new. But before she could decide whether she was okay with it or not, Severus withdrew, breaking the kiss, and started apologizing.

Lily shook her head slightly, blushing so profusely that Sev could probably feel the heat radiating off of her face. "Um... no, it's... it's okay," she stammered breathlessly, and looked up at him. "I've missed you too." She couldn't help remembering the last time they'd been alone together in the Room of Requirement. "It's okay. Really."

Severus stepped back taking her hands in his as he lead her backwards. A blanket appeared on the floor. "We don't have to do anything you don't want to." He said kneeling down on the blanket, his hands still in hers hoping she would join him. "I just want to spend time with you." He said, honesty in his voice. He personally really didn't care what they did right then ... so long as he could hold her. 

Lily went with Severus, her hands clasping his in return. And there, right on cue, was the blanket. She wasn't sure whether the Room of Requirement was responding to Severus's thoughts or hers. In all likelihood, it was probably both. It occurred to her that the Room was probably capable of upgrading from just the blanket... but if it did that right now, it would be incredibly awkward. For her, anyway. She didn't know about Severus. For now, this was just right. She knelt down on the blanket with him, facing him.

"I know," she said softly, looking into Severus's dark eyes. Sev didn't have to tell her that he wouldn't pressure her into anything. She knew that she could pull away right now, and he would respect that. But she didn't want to. "I just want to be close to you." She leaned forward and kissed him. 

Severus leaned forward into her, tilting her back until she was gently laying on the blanket. It didn't seem as if it were on a hard floor so much as it felt soft underneath. Accommodating. Severus looked down at her, his eyes meeting hers as his fingers played with her red hair. "You're beautiful." He said quietly. Even still he couldn't believe she was here with him. He still felt like he was going to wake up any minute ....

He lay beside her and leaned forward, his lips meeting hers once again. He pressed against her, leaning her back into the blanket as his leg came over her, draping himself over her as he continued to kiss her. 

Lily looked up at Severus as she lay back against the blanket, feeling no trace of what should have been the hard floor beneath, only perfect softness. Once again, she put off until later the effort trying to wrap her brain around all of the spellwork that had gone into the Room of Requirement. Right now, her thoughts were all focused on Severus, and this moment with him. Her eyes widened slightly when he called her beautiful. She felt her face redden somewhat, a little embarrassed, unsure how to respond. But from Severus's voice and the look in his eyes, she knew he meant it. And, for reasons she couldn't quite explain, hearing Sev say that was a unique and wonderful feeling.

She put an arm around him as he lay beside her, and leaned into his kiss, deepening the kiss as Severus draped himself over her. She embraced him, hands moving over his back and shoulders. 

Severus moaned quietly into the kiss as her leg moved under him, rubbing up against him. He felt his cock start to harden slightly as he rubbed himself up against her, his hand sliding up under her shirt stopping just before his finger met her bra. He moved over top of her, straddling her hips as his other hand moved under her shirt as well, his fingers gently caressing her soft flesh. 

Lily moved her hips against Severus as he rubbed against her. One hand worked its way up the back of Severus's neck to run through his hair as she continued to kiss him. A small, muffled moan escaped her as she felt Severus's hands moved under her shirt, stopping so very close to her bra. 

Severus gently pulled away from the kiss. "Do you want to slow down?" He asked, kissing her gently again before looking down at her. By this point he could feel his full erection pressing painfully against his pants and he wanted nothing more than to have her ... he knew that wouldn't happen. Not tonight. He wouldn't allow it. But if she wanted to fool around a bit, perhaps like last time, or if she wanted to stop, he was fine with that. 

Lily shook her head. "No," she said, perhaps a little too quickly. "We don't have to stop just now." She appreciated, though, that he had paused to ask. Again and again, Sev kept showing that he could be trusted to respect her boundaries. Which might be a large part of why she felt comfortable doing as much as they had. "I was um... enjoying that and it seemed like you were too." She looked up at him, hopefully. "So... we could continue for a while, if you like."

While she wasn't ready to go all the way right now, she didn't think Sev was either. And she felt certain that Severus would listen if she said she was uncomfortable with anything. 

Severus smiled softly and leaned forward again to kiss her. His hands pushed her shirt up gently, but once again stopped before it reached her bra. He wasn't sure how comfortable she would be with this. Severus ran his hands over her sides as he trailed kisses down her neck, his lips moving over the soft skin. He could feel his erection pressing down into her and wanted more, but contained himself to keep it slow. Though despite his restraint, he rubbed himself against her slowly through the fabric of his pants. 

Lily leaned into Severus's kiss, her hands running over his back. She moved with him as she felt him rub against her. Once again, she felt him lift her shirt, still stopping just before her bra. She got the definite impression that he wanted to lift it further. He was probably unsure how she would react... How should she react, anyway? Maybe she was a little nervous, but... but the touch of his hands running over her sides just felt so good as he kissed down her neck... She made up her mind. Hands fumbling slightly from nervousness, she started unbuttoning her shirt. 

Snape was shocked that she started unbuttoning her shirt and sat back on his knees, his hands running over her bare knees. Her skirt was raised up a bit on her thighs but Snape didn't dare raise it any further. His eyes raised up towards her stomach, up her pale flesh to her breasts where Lily was nervously pulling at her buttons. 

"You don't have too ..." Snape said quietly though he licked his lips out of anticipation, his cock straining against his pants. "If you don't want too ...." He said swallowing a bit louder than he intended to, out of his own nerves. 

Lily looked up at him. Severus seemed just as nervous as she was, which was somehow oddly comforting. Neither of them exactly expected the other to be completely sure of themselves. And yet there was a certain eager anticipation in Sev's eyes, and an unmistakable bulge straining at his pants. Clearly, he was all in favor of this as long as she was. His words were more for her benefit, then. 

"I want to," she said softly, unbuttoning her shirt the rest of the way, revealing a solid white bra with white lace trim. She looked up at him again self-consciously, blushing slightly. 

Severus shook slightly in nerves, this was much different than the last time. This was her watching him. This was her taking him in ....and vice versa. This was much more intimate than the little romp they had the last time. This was exposed skin, and exposed emotions. 

Severus tried to calm himself but found himself still shivering both out of nerves and excitement. He watched her as she removed her shift and swallowed as her breasts where exposed to him, her white bra perfectly cupping her breasts. 

Lily had thought that his hands would be on her again by now, but Severus seemed too nervous at the moment to do anything more than watch. Either that, or he still had some difficulty believing that Lily wanted to do this. That meant the next part was up to her as well. Maybe that was for the best. Sitting up slightly, she reached back and unhooked the bra clasps.

And then an even greater wave of nervousness crashed down on her. Guys made such a huge deal about breasts, it seemed to be an obsession for them. Personally, she didn't really understand the hype. But what if that was just because hers were too ordinary to justify it? She blushed profusely, and looked up at him. 

Severus stared at her when she's taken her bra off, swallowing the lump in his throat, his cock even harder now than he'd ever felt it before. He felt himself frozen on the spot, any previous experience he had with women flew out the door and he knew he must be gaping like an imbecile. He closed his mouth, which had fallen open slightly and shifted on the blanket. 

"I .... I'm sorry." He said quietly, now sort of embarrassed for gaping at her. 

"Sorry?" she asked, confused. "For what? Is everything okay?" She didn't really know what sort of reaction was normal in this scenario; this was new for both of them. Was he just hesitating because he was nervous too, or... 

"Are... you uncomfortable with this?" she asked.

Maybe she'd misinterpreted things, and moved too quickly after all... Or maybe she was just being overly self-conscious, and Severus was gaping for positive reasons? 

"No it's ... It's not you I just .... Shouldn't have been gaping like a fish." He said his cheeks burning red. He leaned forward and kissed her once again, gently before moving his lips to her shoulder. "What do you want to do?" He asked, feeling a bit stupid after he'd asked. 

Lily embraced Sev as he kissed her, somewhat reassured. She shivered slightly as she felt his lips gently move down to her shoulder. "Um..." she paused, unsure how to answer that question. She hadn't exactly had a definite goal in mind, other than indicating permission for Severus's hands to venture under her shirt, and now the shirt was out of the equation entirely. Along with the bra. In hindsight, she'd handled that a little awkwardly. "I guess, for now, to continue what we've been doing?" 

Trying to ignore the stupid question he'd asked he kissed here again, once again pressing her into the blanket. He lay on top of her, not moving himself, just relishing simply being there with her. 

Lily held him close as he pressed down on her again, and she deepened the kiss, her hands moving over his back and shoulders. She enjoyed the feeling of closeness to him, and yet couldn't help but notice that, once she had discarded her shirt, Severus's hands had withdrawn from her. Despite his apparent eagerness mere moments ago, Sev seemed too shy to do anything more. She'd made herself vulnerable, and yet nothing had really come of it... Sev had apologized just for looking. He still seemed afraid that if he acted, it would offend her somehow or... or drive her away. 

Come to think of it, that might be exactly what he thought. Hadn't they just had an argument about his insecurities? Severus had never exactly been the most socially confident person. Even as nervous as Lily was, then, it was up to her. She took Sev's hand in hers, and gently guided it back to her waist, then slowly upward, until it rested just against her breast. Her pulse quickened as she broke the kiss and whispered: "It's okay. Go ahead." And her other hand began to move toward the buttons on Severus's shirt. 

Severus was shocked by the action and wasn't even paying attention to her hands on his shirt as he fondled her breast, his other hand coming up to her other. He swallowed nervously, still scared she'd shove him off of her and run .... He kissed her gently, once before looking down at her. 

"I still can't believe you're here ... with me ..." He said quietly. She had no idea how much disbelief there was ... At this point in his last time line she was already hanging around with Potter ... Not him. 

Lily sighed as Severus's hand moved to her other breast, and she couldn't help blushing slightly. His gentle touch felt amazing... distractingly so, even, and her hands fumbled slightly as she started undoing the buttons on Severus's shirt. 

She looked back up at him. Maybe things were moving a little fast, but right now she had difficulty imagining being anywhere else. She was confused about how, after giving him every possible confirmation that she wanted to be with him, Severus still seemed so incredulous.

"Sev," she said quietly. "You make it sound like I'm going to just... disappear without warning, or something. That's not going to happen." 

Severus looked down at her and smiled sadly. She had no idea that she already had, in another life time, disappeared without warning. "You say that today .... but tomorrow is a new day ... and the day after that, and the day after that. You are not a prophet Lily. Just last year you were close to leaving me. You can deny it, but I know you were. And probably for good reason ... I can't promise I won't keep making mistakes Lily. I can't promise you I'll be the man you want me to be ..." He said quietly. 

Lily was silent for a moment. Right now, this close to him, more intimate than she had ever been with anyone, it was jarring to be reminded that she'd almost cut all ties to him. She didn't want to believe that it was still a possibility, not now that everything between them felt so right... But could she really be so sure?

"You're right... about last year," she said quietly. "Sometimes... it felt like I was losing you already." There had been times when she'd felt like she didn't even know him anymore. When every hateful thing Snape's Slytherin cohorts did felt like a direct attack on her. When it had seemed like only a matter of time before her oldest friend became a fully-fledged Death Eater, and she was just another Mudblood to him. "It hurt, Sev," she whispered, and glanced away, before looking back up at him again. "Everyone makes mistakes. But... I can't believe you'd make the same ones again. You're better than that." She reached up and rested a hand against the side of his face. "I want you the way you are." 

Severus smiled softly. "I can't fathom why." He said quietly, leaning into her again. "You could have anyone in the world ..." He said kissing her gently. "And you choose my ugly mug." He said with a bit of a chuckle. He leaned in to kiss her once again, before he leaned back and sat on the blanket beside her. He took her hands and pulled her into his lap.

Lily wrapped her arms around him as she returned his kiss. "You are not ugly," she insisted adamantly. "Quite the opposite in my opinion," she smiled back. "Though if you really don't know, I could make a list of things I like about you." As he pulled her onto his lap, she kissed him again and continued undoing his shirt buttons. 

Severus looked up at her as he leaned against the pillar behind him. "Is that so?" He asked with a bit of a smirk. "I think I'd like a list." He said softly, his hands moving to her back, still not paying much attention to her hands that had by this point almost completely unbuttoned his shirt. 

Lily sighed as Severus's hands moved to her back. "Not to be shallow," she said. "But since you are clearly unaware of how handsome you are, we'll have to start with that. You have," she said, looking down at him. "The most amazing, intense dark eyes that I have ever seen." And it was true, particularly when he looked at her like that. "I like it when you smile, and that expression you do when you're being sarcastic... If you haven't noticed, I also happen to be very fond of kissing you," she leaned forward and kissed him gently, undoing the last two buttons on his shirt. "I like your hands, and watching when you play the piano," she continued softly, "Which by the way, you're ridiculously good at. And I like the way it feels when you hold me."

She started to pull Severus's open shirt down off of his thin shoulders. 

Severus felt the material sliding over his shoulders. He froze as slid down his arms and to the floor. He pulled it free and pushed it to the size, looking away from her as she took him in. He couldn't believe that he was sitting there shirtless, each scar on his body feeling like another thing he should be ashamed of. Another lash of shame ... as if they were his fault. Her words gave him a bit of confidence but ... his body was something different entirely. She had never seen him without clothes on ....no one had at this point in his life. 

"I think you and I see entirely different things then. Perhaps that's a good thing." He said looking back up at her shyly. 

Lily stopped, surprised at Severus's apparent shame. If she'd realized this would bother him she wouldn't have... Sure, he'd always seemed really shy about his body the one or two times he'd ever been shirtless around her, so she'd always looked away to avoid embarrassing him. But she hadn't thought it would be such a big deal this time, since she was already sitting in his lap topless.

And then she saw the scars. Lily winced. She'd known Sev had scars but, because she'd always looked away, she'd had no idea there were this many, or that they were this severe. He was practically covered in them. Worse, some of them were so much older than the others, and must have been inflicted when he was a child. Each one bore witness to a different time and place and way that someone had hurt him. She shouldn't be surprised, she realized. After all, his own father had put him in the hospital. But why had it taken that for her to realize what was happening? How had she missed the signs?

Tears started to gather in her eyes, and she tried to blink them away when Severus looked up at her. She put her arms around him gently, and just held him. "Sev..." she said, her voice shaking slightly. "I should have figured it out and told someone or... or..." A wave of guilt washed over her. She should have figured out what he was going through years ago! How could she have been so oblivious? How hadn't she known? "I'm sorry," she whispered. 

"You have nothing to be sorry for." He said his eyes finally meeting hers. "If I wanted you to have known I would have told you." He said. "Lets just ... forget about all that. For now." He said his hand raising to her cheek. 

Lily was quiet for a moment, wanting to argue with that. It wasn't fair what Severus had had to endure. It wasn't right. She wanted to go and find Tobias and hex the hell out of him for what he'd done, followed by everyone else who'd ever hurt Sev behind her back. She should have done something years ago... but it was too late now to change any of that. Sev clearly didn't want to talk about it, and Lily wasn't helping anything by bringing up painful memories.

She nodded. "Okay," she said quietly. "I... didn't mean to embarrass you. Do you feel alright about this?" 

Severus nodded. "Yes. I'm just ... Not used to being exposed. I'll get used to it ... It's just ... New for me." He said his voice soft. "I couldn't imagine being anywhere else right now. Certainly not back in my room alone marking papers." He said with a bit of a chuckle. 

Lily smiled slightly. "Glad to hear I'm at least a little more appealing than grading papers," she said, then added quietly, "I wouldn't want to be anywhere else right now either... For the record, I really like seeing more of you." She leaned in and kissed him, pressing close against him as she did. 

"Well ... you know how I always love having my nose pressed against the parchment. I've always been rather studious ..." He said looking over her as she leaned into him. His cock pressed against her as she sat in his lap. "Though, I think I much prefer studying you." He said as his hands roamed over her back. 

Lily laughed, blushing slightly. "Why Sev," she said. "Are you trying to talk dirty to me?" A little shiver ran down her spine as his hands moved over her back. His touch was intoxicating. She ran a hand through his hair, and looked into his eyes. "Though you've reminded me of something else for the list; you are without a doubt the most intelligent person I know." Feeling Severus's cock press up against her through his pants, she couldn't help but pull closer against him, her skirt riding up a little as she did so. 

"Apparently you don't know Dumbledore very well... Or are you suggesting I'm smarter and wiser than him as well?" He asked chuckling slightly as he shifted under her. With his cock pressing against her like this he could only imagine what it would be like to be inside her in this position. With her bouncing up and down on his shaft. His cock swelled a bit more at the thought of it. 

Lily rolled her eyes. "Granted, knowledge and wisdom take time. But I've yet to see proof that anyone can match you in raw intelligence." She looked thoughtfully down at Severus, then added: "I'll admit, though, I might be just a little biased on the matter." She could have sworn that Severus's cock hardened even more as she moved against him. 

"Mmm you might be." He shifting up against her, his bulge pressing against her through his pants and her panties. 

Lily gasped slightly, her hips pushing forward as she moved a little faster against him. He just felt so good against her, hard and substantial. She hoped he understood that she wanted him just as much, that there really was nowhere else she would rather be... if not, she would just keep reassuring him. Though, as she felt him press against her, there was something she couldn't help but wonder. "Um... Sev?" she asked, looking down at him. "Could I ask you something?" 

"Anything." He said sincerely. She could ask him for the stars and he'd try to get them for her. He looked up at her, his dark eyes meeting her green ones.


	41. The Cruelest of Pranks

((A/N – Please ….. please forgive me for this chapter. I am so ….. So sorry …. Don’t hate me. *Hides*))

Chapter 41 

The intensity in Sev's eyes was both touching and overwhelming, and for a moment Lily felt shy, unsure how to react. Lily shook her head. "It's... just a little personal, that's all. Um... I was just wondering, is it..." she gestured awkwardly to Severus's pants. "Uncomfortable for you in there? When it's like this?" She immediately felt stupid for asking, but she really didn't know, and hated the idea that she'd been causing Severus discomfort this whole time. 

Severus looked up at her confused. "What do you mean?" He asked, a little confused by what she meant. "You mean ... Is it uncomfortable when I .... When I get hard?" He asked his cheeks tinging red a bit. "Um .... Not really. I mean I suppose it feels different than what you experience but I ... Never really thought about it before." 

"That's... not exactly what I meant," Lily said, already wishing she'd kept her stupid question to herself. But things were already awkward anyway, so she might as well attempt to clarify. "I don't mean when you... um... get hard in general, but just... with those trousers, I mean." She couldn't help but notice the way it seemed to strain against the fabric. "It just... doesn't seem like there's a lot of room." Her face reddened slightly. "Sorry. It's a stupid question, isn't it?" 

Severus' face turned a deeper shade of red as she clarified her question. He cleared his throat nervously. "Um ... Well ... Not really ... Sort of ...?" He answered in more of a question. "I mean ... It's not unbearable." 

Lily nodded. "That makes sense, I guess." If it were unbearable, surely he would have let her know, wouldn't he? "But, um..." she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear nervously. "You would still have to take care of that eventually, right? I mean that's... that's what I've heard, anyway." She blushed slightly. Despite her lack of experience in this area, people talked. Often, she tuned it out, frankly not wanting to know... But now she wondered if she should have listened better. Maybe then she wouldn't feel so awkward asking these questions now. 

Severus tilted his head, trying to make eye contact with her as she was looking away as he had been before. "If you have a question Lily ... just ask it. I'm not going to judge you no matter what you ask me, or ask of me." He said raising his hand to her cheek and gently turning her face too look at him. "I'm not going to laugh at you ..." 

Lily found herself meeting Severus's eyes. "It's just... if you need to take care of it, could I maybe... um... watch?" Her face burned a deep shade of red. Even though Severus had said he wouldn't laugh at her, it just felt like such an awkward thing to ask, even more so when she said it out loud, and she was sure she'd made him uncomfortable... "I mean," she added quickly. "If you don't want to, that's okay, I just wanted to get an idea of what... um... works for you."

That, and she wanted to help him get past his self-consciousness, to let him know that he didn't have to be embarrassed about his appearance or his body, especially not with her. But maybe she was rushing things. Sev had been so careful about not pressuring her into anything she was uncomfortable with, and Lily didn't want to pressure him into anything either. 

Severus realized what she was asking and his face turned bright red straight up to his ears. "You mean ... take it out?" He asked looking at her more confused than anything. "You ... you want to watch me do ... um ... that?" He asked, not having expected her to say that one. He didn't see what the big deal was, but at the same time ... this was Lily. "I ... I guess so. I mean ... if you want me too." 

"Only if you're comfortable with it," Lily said, still blushing profusely, but she made herself maintain eye contact with him nonetheless. "The last thing I want is for you to do anything you're not sure about."

Already, she felt guilty for embarrassing him. Maybe it had been too soon to even bring that up. After all, he'd been embarrassed about even taking his shirt off just moments ago.

"I ... I can ... but ..." Why was he suddenly acting like a teenager again! He wasn't exactly completely inexperienced ... okay perhaps he was a little inexperienced but he wasn't a virgin and he was bloody well acting like it. "I mean ... it's ..." Severus cleared his throat and looked around the room a bit. With her still straddling him like this the only way he could take himself out was if he put his hands between her legs, and if he did that, then he'd be practically right against her. 

Lily looked down at Severus, concerned. She couldn't tell whether he was just nervous, or completely uncomfortable with the idea. She didn't say anything, wanting to let him work through his thoughts uninterrupted, in his own time and without any pressure. At that moment, she was very much aware of him between her legs.

"I'll um, just move," she murmured, and carefully moved off of him to sit by his side, giving him some space. 

Severus suddenly felt rather alone, despite the fact that she was still sitting beside him and wished she wouldn't have moved. He liked the feeling of her on top of him. But, things had been moving a bit fast and if she was just watching him then there was no harm in that right? He cleared his throat as his hands moved to his pants, slowly pulling the button free and sliding the zipper down. He reached into his underwear and pulled his large swollen cock free of his pants, the appendage jutting out of the black material. He glanced at Lily, wondering if she'd ever seen one before and wondering what she would think. He didn't make a move to grasp himself right away, he knew she would be curious and he wasn't sure just how much of him she wanted to see. If she just wanted him to pull it out so she could see it or .... he wasn't sure what she wanted. 

Lily just stared for a moment, eyes wide. She couldn't help it. She had never really seen one in the flesh and up close like this, erect, the shaft uncovered. The sight of it was intriguing to her, though perhaps partly due to her curiosity. Yet it wasn't just that. She understood that showing her so much of himself, letting himself be this vulnerable, constituted a profound trust. She caught Sev's nervous glance, and laid a reassuring hand on his shoulder, leaning in to kiss him gently on the lips, then whispered: "Just do what you're comfortable with, okay?"

She was worried that Sev might get too caught up in trying to do what she wanted, when Lily wanted this to be as much for Sev's benefit as for hers. 

Severus nodded as he leaned back against the pillar behind him, his knees bent slightly so that his legs were spread apart, giving her a better view of his shaft. He wrapped his hand around the base of the shaft and stroked it gently. His eye remained on his cock for a moment before they drifted up to her bare breasts, picturing what it would be like to have his cock between them.

He glanced up at her face, his blush still there across his cheeks but less prominent than it had been before. 

Lily watched curiously as Severus stroked himself. She couldn't help but wonder what it would feel like to take it into her own hand... or elsewhere. She found herself blushing again at the thought, more so as she felt Severus's dark eyes move over her. She looked back at his face, and ran a hand through his hair, gently kissing his cheek and slowly down his neck. 

Severus closed his eyes as she kissed him, his hand tightening around his shaft as he stroked a bit harder. He started moving base to tip as she started kissing over the sensitive flesh of his neck. As she kissed downward he wondered how far she'd go before she stopped. The thought sent another thrill through him, his cock pulsing in his hand. 

Lily continued kissing down to his collarbone, pausing briefly to glance down at Severus's shaft, observing and making a mental note on the way he seemed to tighten his grip, moving from base to tip. Her hands moved over his shoulders, neither avoiding his scars nor lingering on them any more than elsewhere, accepting everything that was a part of her Sev. As much as it pained her to know that Severus had suffered, that belonged in the past. Right now, in this moment, they were together. 

Severus almost whimpered when she drew her lips away from him. It felt so good to be touch, to have her hands and her lips trailing over him. He had thought for sure she would have been disgusted with him by this point, having gone this far. But she hadn't looked at him like other women had in his past life. She looked at him like he was human.

Severus' hand kept up a steady pace, not too fast because he didn't want to cum to quickly, but not slow as for it to becoming boring. Severus had so many mixed emotions going on he didn't know how he felt, but he couldn't imagine anything feeling better. 

Lily resumed kissing down Severus's chest, her hands moving from his shoulders to run gently over his sides. He was even thinner than she had thought, his ribs sharply prominent to the touch. She said nothing about it; Sev was probably self-conscious about that too. Instead, she reassured herself that things would be better for Severus from now on, that she would be there to make sure of it. 

"You're such a tease." He joked as he kept moving his hand over his shaft. He cleared his throat feeling a bit awkward. "Can you .. um ... turn around for a second ... just ... look away for a second?" 

Lily glanced up at him, confused, and nodded. "Um, sure." She turned her head away. If he wanted her to look away for a moment, then she would; the last thing she wanted was to make him uncomfortable. 

 

Severus let go of his prick and raised his hand to his mouth. He quietly spit into his hand and lowered it back to his cock, coating it in the saliva. He did it once more before he told her she could look again. He continued tugging at his now slick cock. It felt so much better now that it had some type of lubricant between it and his hand. "Sorry ..." He said awkwardly. 

Lily turned back to look at Severus, still confused. It had been very quiet, but she thought she'd heard... spitting? She glanced down at Severus's cock, and quickly put two and two together. "Oh," she said. "That makes sense." She hadn't really thought about it before, but she could see how that much friction on such a sensitive area could pose an issue. She looked up at Severus. "You don't have to be embarrassed, Sev," she said gently, then leaned in and kissed him on the lips. 

"I ... I know it's just ... Seemed like it would have been unattractive. I haven't done this before in front of someone so ...." He gently pulled her on top of him, so that she was sitting on his legs just below his cock and kissed her once again, his hand starting to move faster. He knew it wouldn't be long before he came, especially with her over him like this, her breasts so close to his face. He glanced up at her as he broke the kiss and leaned forward, wondering if she would allow him too ... He testingly ran his tongue over her nipple, wondering if she'd allow him to do that, or if she even liked it. 

A small gasp of surprised pleasure escaped her as Severus's tongue ran over her nipple, and she leaned forward slightly, in an almost involuntary reaction. She hadn't been prepared for how good that felt. She looked down at him, blushing, her hands running over his shoulders. 

Severus felt her chest move closer to him and smirked. He did it again to her other nipple, and gently taking it into his mouth and sucking gently. He let it go with a pop, his free hand skimming over her back. He let go of his cock, letting it lay against his stomach and brought his semi wet hand up to her other breast, playing with the nipple, still hoping he wasn't pushing his luck. 

Lily's nipples hardened in reaction, incredibly sensitive to everything Severus was doing. She closed her eyes, running her fingers through Severus's hair, and moved softly against him. Already, Severus seemed bolder, gradually overcome his shyness. His hands on her felt amazing... Wait. If both of his hands were on her, then...

She opened her eyes and looked down at Severus's neglected cock. After a moment's hesitation, she gently took it into her hand. It had an appealing firmness and solidity to it, and she was surprised at how smooth it was to the touch. She looked into his dark eyes, searching for even the slightest indication that he might be uncomfortable with this, and asked quietly: "May I?"   
Severus nearly jumped when she grasped his cock and hissed in both pleasure and surprise. His hands stilled on her back and it took him a moment to realize she was asking a question. He looked down between them and saw her small hand wrapped around his large cock. "I ... um ...." All train of thought had left his mind and he couldn't even process what she was saying. He shifted under her causing her to move a bit and he licked his lips. "I ... yeah ...." He said, throwing caution to the wind. She was already holding it, he might as well agree to it .... not that he would have denied her, especially this ... so long as it didn't go too far. 

Lily looked at him, concerned. He’d said it was okay, but the way he’d hesitated… she wasn’t so sure. In hindsight, she probably should have asked before she was holding his cock in her hand. Gently, she withdrew her hand slightly, resting it on his leg nearby, trying to give Sev a moment to let his mind catch up with his body. 

“Sev,” she asked quietly. “Are you sure this is alright? Because if you don’t want me to, that’s okay.”

Slowly, something had started to occur to her. Despite how nervous Severus was, how self-conscious, he had nonetheless gone along with everything Lily had asked of him. What if it wasn’t just nervousness? Moments before this started, hadn’t he just admitted his insecurities about her leaving? What if Severus was so worried that he started pressuring himself into things he wasn’t honestly comfortable with? She had to be absolutely sure that wouldn’t happen.

Severus made a quiet noise in the back of his throat as he looked up at her and nodded. “Yes … I ..” He cleared his throat again. “I’m fine with this it’s just …. not something I’ve done before. It … feels different when you’re doing it.” He said shifting under again wishing she’d put her hand back on him again. 

Lily nodded, reassured, as she felt Severus shifting under her. Again, she reached out and gently took Sev’s cock into her hand, holding it just as she had watched Severus do, and started moving her hand up and down the shaft. “Is this alright?” she asked, somewhat nervously, watching his face for a reaction. She had never done this before either.

Severus closed his eyes, a moan escaping his lips as she moved her hand over his shaft. He nodded in response to her question before he opened his eyes again and looked at her. He raised his hand to her cheek and led her down for a kiss. 

Severus’ moan surprised her, and she continued moving her hand up and down his cock, encouraged by his reaction. Somehow, the act seemed emotional to Lily as well as physical. Knowing that he was enjoying what she was doing made her feel an intense closeness to him. She leaned forward into his kiss, her other hand running through his hair.

Severus gently deepened the kiss as her hand moved over him, pumping his hard shaft slowly. Almost too slowly, but it was more than enjoyable and Severus could already feel his pleasure rising towards orgasm. He moved his hands to her sides and up her back as her hand kept moving. 

Gradually, Lily’s hand began to move more quickly over Severus’s cock, hoping he would let her know if she started to go too fast. So far, though, she seemed to be doing alright. Her free hand moved down to his back, as she continued kissing him.

Severus tensed as he broke the kiss, his eyes shut. His hand gently squeezed on her hips as his breathing increased a bit faster. “Lily I’m … I’m going to come.” He said his face turning a shade pinker. 

“Okay,” Lily said quietly, her hand continuing to move up and down his shaft, watching the look of intense pleasure on his face. She wasn’t entirely sure what to expect, or just how messy this was likely to be, but she knew she absolutely didn’t want him to be embarrassed about it.

Severus closed his eyes as he tensed, his breath hitching in his throat as he came. White cum shooting up onto his stomach and chest, a bit on her hand as it moved towards the tip. Severus moaned as he finally let go of the breath he’d been holding, his cock pulsing a few more times before he finally relaxed, his chest rising a falling as he came down from his orgasm. The wet warm stickiness on his chest felt gross, but felt far too good to care. 

Lily was surprised that, somehow, she’d managed to only end up with a little on her hand. She’d been afraid it would end up all over her, and hadn’t been sure how she would react if that happened. As it was, though… she found she didn’t particularly mind, at least when it was just on her hand anyway. It was just something that needed to be cleaned off. Far more remarkable to her was Sev’s reaction. That he seemed to enjoy it this much, and that she had been able to make him feel this way was amazing to her. As he began to relax, Lily gently let go of his cock. 

Severus sighed as he looked down to the mess of cum on his chest. “You … didn’t have to do that.” Severus said blushing, though he really couldn’t complain. He hadn’t felt this good in a long time. He kissed her again, wishing he could reciprocate for her, but he wasn’t sure how far she was willing to go. And to be rather honest, after cumming so hard he didn’t think he had the energy. 

“I wanted to,” she said softly, before leaning forward into his kiss. The last thing she wanted was for Sev to feel embarrassed now, or to think that she had any regrets about it. Though she wasn’t ready to go any farther at the moment, she was glad to have done this. She didn’t think she’d ever seen Severus look so content.

“We should head back out …. dinner should be soon. And we don’t want to get caught together like this … as much as I’d love to be seen in a relationship with you ... “ He said kissing her again. “I don’t think it would end well considering our positions.” He said with a slight pout. 

Lily kissed him back, wishing that it could last longer, that they could just stay here and enjoy being together. But the risks were too great, especially to Severus. “You’re right, of course,” she sighed, looking up at him for a moment, wondering when they would get a chance to be alone together again. “I hate that I don’t get to see you more,” she said quietly. But there was nothing either of them could really do about that. At least here no one would be the wiser. The only people who knew about this room, knew of their relationship.

“I know … I hate it too. If we could, perhaps our fight earlier wouldn’t have happened. I should have known to trust you, I’m sorry. It’s just …. I don’t trust him.” He said, knowing he had a valid reason why, though he couldn’t tell her the reason. 

“Of course you don’t trust him,” Lily said. “He’s Potter. But he doesn’t get to decide what I do or how I feel. So if you trust me, then whether or not you trust Potter shouldn’t be an issue. It’s not up to him.”

Severus looked at her with a sad smile and kissed the top of her head. 

o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Sirius carefully stirred in the final ingredients to the potion, the fumes dissipating and becoming odorless, as the instructions had said they should at this stage. Supposedly, it should also be tasteless and almost impossible to detect in most liquids, but there was no way in hell he was about to test that. Still, while he might not be a bloody potions prodigy, he had checked a million times, and was certain that he had followed the instructions down to the letter. 

This prank had been weeks in the making, and had taken far more subtlety than most people would have credited him with. But then, most people didn’t know about the long nights and repeated testing that had gone into creating the map, or into the Animagus project. Of course, that had been alongside Moony and Prongs, who were lately nowhere to be seen anytime Sirius wanted to do something cool… Well, that was just their loss. If they wanted to be included, then they’d have to quit running off without him. As it was, Sirius had been forced to take his boredom into his own hands. It had been far too long since anyone had taken Snivellus down a peg. Though the stakes were admittedly higher now, since the greasy bastard had somehow managed to worm his way onto the faculty.

Once the concoction was cool enough, he filled a vial of it, and quietly made his way to the still empty Great Hall, timing his entrance just after the house elves had finished setting out the teachers’ goblets at the head table. Sirius quickly emptied the vial into Snape’s glass, the potion disappearing into the drink seamlessly, without a trace. Then he made his exit, before people could start arriving. As much as he’d love to take credit for this, there would be hell to pay if this were traced back to him.

Students started filing into the great hall, one by one. The students sat at their assigned tables, flying bats above head, glowing jack-o-lanterns lining the room. The Halloween feast was going to start soon. 

The teachers came in, one after another through the staff door, showing up at different times. First came Flitwick, then McGonagall, then Dumbledore. Dumbledore stood and gave his yearly Halloween speech before they all sat down to eat. But Snape was nowhere to be seen. 

James came into the great hall a bit late, Remus next to him. Both of them seemed to be covered in sweat, though they seemed to have tried to wipe it away. They came to the table and sat down across from Sirius. Things between them seemed to be tense but still okay … They were still friends. 

Sirius looked over at James and Remus as they took their seats. “Where’ve you been? You look like you just ran a mile.” These days, he only half expected anyone to tell him anything, but it didn’t hurt to ask. 

“We were in detention with Filch, cleaning the entire trophy room.” James said rolling his eyes making an excuse. Remus nodded. 

“Apparently Snape didn’t like how we were looking at him.” He said playing up the story. “Gave us detention.” Remus said as Snape finally came into the great hall through the staff door. He sat down next to McGonagall, his food and drink already prepared for him by the house elves. 

Sirius grimaced at James’s explanation. “Glad I missed out on that one, then,” he said. “What happened to Peter? Did Filch give him a heart attack? Or do you think he just got lost again?” He looked up as Snape entered through the staff door, suppressing a smirk. James might just appreciate this latest prank after all.

“I don’t know where Peter is. Probably skulking around. I’m sure he’ll be along soon. It’s not like him to miss a meal. The guy likes his food.” James said, noticing Sirius kept looking up at Snape who was eating his food at the staff table. McGonagall was talking to him quietly. Snape was listening as he ate, though the topic didn’t really seem to interest him. 

He reached forward for his glass and looked to Lily as she entered the great hall finally. 

As Snape reached for his glass, Sirius nudged James and muttered: “You’re going to want to watch this…”

James looked up at the high table, wondering what Sirius was talking about. “Sirius, what did you …” James saw Snape raising the glass to his lips and immediately knew Sirius had done something. “Sirius what did you-” James was asking as Snape took a rather large gulp of his drink. James didn’t need to ask him if it was dangerous or not, Snape answered that for him. As soon as Snape pulled the glass away from his lips and froze, looking confused. He looked at his glass before it fell from his hand and shattered on the floor. 

McGonagall looked at Severus once again as Snape broke out into a cold sweat, the colour draining from his face. “What-” Snape started to ask, immediately knowing something was wrong. 

He could feel a warm sensation between his legs, and not in a good way. It started in the center of his genitals and worked its way outwards. The warmth started getting hotter, and hotter and Snape moved away from the table. “I have to go to the hospital wing.” He said before the pain got worse and he fell to the ground clutching himself, his mouth open in pain though he made no noise. 

“Later,” Sirius muttered, though he doubted James actually expected an explanation here. Not that anyone was paying any attention to them at the moment; all eyes were on Snivellus’s dramatic reaction. The potion had taken effect even more quickly than Sirius had expected, and he grinned slightly as the scene played out.

Severus couldn’t remain silent any further as McGonagall tried to pull him to his feet. She pulled him down from the high table area, and down the few steps. The main doors were closer to the hospital wing. She didn’t know what was going on, but by the sounds of Severus’ screaming, he was in a lot of pain. 

Lily dropped her books and ran to him, alarmed. She’d seen him in brutal pain before, but she’d never heard him scream like that. She tried to help him along by the arm. He didn’t seem to be in any condition to explain what was happening, but the sooner they got him to the hospital wing, the better.

Dumbledore quickly followed behind them trying to catch up to where they were to help them to the hospital wing. “Everyone go back to your meals!” Dumbledore called out. 

Severus couldn’t explain what was happening. He’d never felt a pain this intense before. It felt like his balls were filling with acid, he couldn’t imagine anything hurting more than this did, and he’d been cruciod more times than he could count. He’d take that over this any day. James stood from his seat as Severus collapsed to the ground, McGonagall unable to hold up his weight. Snape’s eyes were clenched shut, but tears were streaking his face which was as red as he’d ever seen it. 

James moved to his other side, and grabbed Severus’ arm, hoisting him up and pulling him quickly from the great hall with Lily’s help. It was better to get him to the hospital wing as fast as possible. Remus glared at Sirius angrily before standing up and following. 

Sirius’s smile faded under Remus’s glare. “He’ll be fine,” Sirius started to protest as Remus stood to leave. “It’s not…” But Remus was taking things far too seriously to listen right now. Admittedly, he hadn’t expected the screaming. It really wasn’t as funny as it had been a moment ago. But it wasn’t as big a deal as they were making out of it. Snivellus really would be fine, and then they could all have a good laugh about the whole thing.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Severus lay in bed, curled up in a ball in the hospital wing as Poppy shook her head over him. “It was a rather nasty potion to say the least.” She said patting him on the shoulder. “You get some rest Severus, and I’ll discuss everything with you in the morning. You’ll be in a bit of pain throughout the night, on and off, but it’s no longer anything to worry about.” She said handing him another small cup of the antidote she had to have rushed in from St. Mungos. 

Severus nodded, trusting Poppy would fill him in. To be honest he wanted nothing more than to sleep, so that he wouldn’t have to think about the pain. Poppy sighed and looked at Lily. “You can stay with him if you like for a while, but he has to take it easy."

“Thank you,” Lily said, relieved that she would be allowed to stay awhile longer. With Dumbledore standing there, she’d been afraid that Poppy might shoo her away once the worst had past. She remained at his bedside, worrying. Though Sev wasn’t in the same kind of agony he had been earlier, he still looked pretty miserable.

That said Poppy moved towards the headmaster who stood by the door next to James. “Out with you, Mr. Potter. Thank you for helping him here, but you are no longer needed.” James wanted to argue but nodded. He exited the hospital wing and into the hall. It had taken a while to cure Severus, and by now the great hall was empty, everyone now in their rooms or the common rooms. He paused by the door and listened in at the keyhole. 

Albus looked gravely over to Poppy, and spoke in a low, hushed tone. “You have determined, I presume, some idea of the potion’s intended purpose?” 

Poppy sighed and spoke equally as quiet. “I have Albus.” She said. James who was listening in could barely hear what they were saying, but he could make it out well enough. “The boy was given a rather nasty version of the infecundus potion.” She said look sadly back at Severus. “He’ll never be able to have children Albus … the potions effects are irreversible.” James’ eyes widened in shock. Sirius wouldn’t have …. he … But no … Sirius would do something that stupid. James prayed he had misheard … that she had not said what he had thought she’d said. 

“I see,” Albus said quietly, his expression hardening. He glanced over at Snape for a moment. The young man didn’t seem to have any better idea of who had done this than they did. No one seemed to have seen anything, and the boy had a history of being widely disliked. “Do you plan to tell him in the morning?”

“I had planned on it. I think he would take the news better coming from me than anyone else. He doesn’t seem to trust many people, but I’ve always had a good running relationship with him.” She said. “A pity really … so young, and to have such a thing taken from him.” She said stepping away from Albus. 

James couldn’t deny it anymore. He had heard correctly. He shook with anger as he stormed up the stairs towards the Gryffindor common room. 

“Flying pixies!” James said to the fat lady so angrily she didn’t hesitate to let him in. He came into the room and saw Sirius sitting on the floor in front of the fire, the rest of the common room empty. Good, he didn’t want this to be a public event for what he had to say. 

Sirius looked up at James as he came in through the portrait hole. From the look on his face, he didn’t seem to have lightened up about this since he’d left. “You’re all being so damned serious about this,” he said. “But now that you’ve seen for yourself that Snivelly’s fine, you have to admit, the look on his face was priceless.”

“You think this is funny huh?” James asked. “You think this is a game?” James asked sounding a lot calmer than he felt. “Do you have any idea what you did to him?” 

Sirius rolled his eyes. “Just caused some impotency for a while, nothing huge.” The pun went unappreciated, so he pressed on. “Anyway, I doubt Snivellus has anyone to disappoint, so it’s hardly the end of the world. Don’t pretend it isn’t just a little bit funny.” He said grinning.

“ ‘Just caused some impotency’? ‘JUST CAUSE SOME IMPOTENCY’?!” James asked angrily. “You made him infertile … PERMANENTLY!” He yelled at him. “He may only be sixteen at the moment Sirius, but that was NOT yours to take away from him. Do you have any idea what that means?” He asked walking closer to him. “It means he will NEVER be able to conceive a child … it means it could affect any relationship he’s in … it doesn’t only affect him, it will affect her as well! This ISN’T FUNNY!” He said wanting nothing more than to punch Sirius in his smug face. “You’d think after what happened in the shrieking shack you would have learned. I tried to talk to you after the owls … now this?!” James asked. “This is going too far, Black.” He said reverting to his last name. This was not an informal discussion, nor a talk between friends. 

Sirius had opened his mouth to retort some time ago, but the realization had frozen him. He’d only meant to prank Snivellus, not sterilize him. He couldn’t have really made him infertile permanently, could he? That had never been the plan. He stared in disbelief through James’s tirade, up until his own last name hit him like a slap in the face. “Just stop right there, James,” Sirius insisted, flat out refusing to accept the formality. “Are you sure it even does that? Who even said he’d be permanently infertile? Are you sure it wasn’t just Snape overreacting?”

“I overheard Pomfrey telling Dumbledore, Snape doesn’t even know yet, she’s telling him in the morning. She had to rush in a potion to stop the effects from furthering into permanent erectile dysfunction, he’ll be in pain for the rest of the night until the effects finally wear off … With what you did to him, he’s lucky just getting off with being infertile. Lets hope it doesn’t worsen by morning.” He wasn’t sure if that was entirely true, but he had no doubts had Poppy not done something it would have worsened. “Now you listen here Black … and you listen well. Tomorrow morning you are going to go to Dumbledore’s office … and tell him what you did. Or by Merlin’s beard I will tell him for you.” He said turning away from Sirius, unable to look at him anymore. 

After hearing so many stories of Snape talking about his own kid, he couldn’t even imagine what it would be like having that taken away from him. For some reason Sirius doing this to Snape felt like a shot to himself. He was sure this hadn’t happened in Snape’s original time line. He would have thrown it in his face by now. This had to be a new event, or Snape would have seen it coming.

Sirius stood up angrily. “Like hell you will! You know damned well I didn’t mean to do anything permanent to him! And after ignoring me for months, you don’t suddenly get to tell me what to do! I don’t know why you keep avoiding me lately, but maybe if you were actually around, this wouldn’t have happened in the first place!”

“You know what you did was wrong, Black, permanent or not.” James said turning back to him, looking more disappointed now than angry. “You don’t need me and Remus to tell you that. If you can’t … then you’re no better than your family whom you claim to hate so much. Snape was right about you … You are immature … It’s why me and Remus are going behind your back. You’re right … there is something going on. And we can’t include you for this exact reason.” James said shaking his head. “I can’t trust you … I haven’t been able to trust you since you told Snape how to get into the shrieking shack after Moony …” He said looking away from him again. “I have a meeting with Dumbledore tomorrow at 9 … If you haven’t told him by then, I will. And I’ll be requesting a transfer to a different room as well. I’m sure Remus will want one too.” 

“I’ll tell him, alright!” Sirius snapped. “But I swear I didn’t know the effects were that severe! I didn’t plan for it to get so out of hand! But I am not like my family.” His hands had both clenched into fists involuntarily, shaking with anger. He wished James would just punch him, so that they could fight this out and work through it. Anything was better than the way he was talking to him now. From anyone else, he could have dismissed it, but from James… it hurt too much. “You know me better than that! After all we’ve been through together, now you’re going to start holding it against me that I’m supposedly the immature one now? Like you were any better before? I don’t understand what you think you can’t tell me, or why Snape is suddenly so damned important, or how you can just shut me out!”

“There’s a large difference between a prank and what you’re doing. This isn’t messing up his potion in class, or tripping him in the hallway, or knocking his books out of his hands, or calling him names. That’s immature … yes. But you’ve already once tried to kill him, sexually harassed him and now this …. I’ve tried talking sense into you after the owls when you were about to do Merlin knows what to him … but this has gone too far. You had your chance, Black. You’ve made your decision. I loved you like a brother, but you abused that … you betrayed not only my trust but Moony’s as well, you’ve hurt Snape in ways you can’t even imagine and while I’m not exactly in on Snape’s fan club, he’s a human being. What you’re doing is cruel ... “ James said. “And frankly I’m done with it. Fool me once, shame on you … Fool me twice ….” He shook his head. “I can’t trust you … End of story.” He said turning towards the common room. “Sleep out here tonight, I don’t want to see you. After I tell Moony what happened, as I’m sure he’s up there waiting for a report, I’m sure he won’t want to either.” He said heading towards the stairs. 

“For the last time, I didn’t know the potion would do that to him!” Sirius shouted. “And you’re being a complete hypocrite, repeatedly bringing up the OWLs thing! It’s nothing that you wouldn’t have done yourself a week before, and you know it! I…” He took a deep breath. He couldn’t just keep shouting and let James walk away from him like this, with all the important things left unsaid. “I admit I’ve… I’ve made some mistakes. But … you’re like a brother to me too. You’re the closest thing to family I have left. You’re not just going to throw that away, are you?”

He felt as if he were being disowned all over again. Only this time, it felt less like exhilarating freedom and more like anger and desperation. And the possibility of ending up effectively homeless over the summer seemed a lot more likely this time around.

“I’m not throwing anything away, you are. Talk to the headmaster tomorrow before I get up there. I’m going to bed. I can’t even look at you right now.” He said going up the stairs and to his room. He was so frustrated and angry that he didn’t want to say anything more. He wasn’t sure if he’d actually put in the request to move rooms, he’d discuss that with Remus, see what he thought about what they should do. At this point Sirius had seriously betrayed their trust, and gone beyond cruel. Whether he knew what the effects where or not, the first thing you learn in potions is not to use or create a potion you do not fully understand, or have learned everything you can about it. Potions are a dangerous subject, no matter WHAT the potion is. Brewed incorrectly even a simple cure for boils could be dangerous. Not to mention administering a potion to someone unknowingly, even a harmless potion, could be fatal if the person were allergic to any of the ingredients. 

James got up the stairs and saw Remus sitting on his bed waiting patiently, Peter was already asleep in his bed, his curtain drawn shut tightly on his four poster bed. 

Remus closed a book he’d only been half-heartedly focusing on, and looked up at James. “So… How bad is it? What happened to Snape, I mean?” He refrained from saying ‘what Sirius did,’ at least for the moment. Thinking about it made him too angry.

James told Remus what he’d heard from Madam Pomfrey, sitting down on Remus’ bed, leaning against the post. He kept his voice down in case Peter was still awake. “I gave him until 9 tomorrow to tell Dumbledore it was him before I tell Dumbledore for him. I also told him to stay in the common room tonight and that we’d be requesting a transfer to a different room tomorrow. I’m not sure if I’ll follow through on that one, I was mad when I said it. I’m still mad but … I don’t know, what do you think?”

Remus was silent as James explained everything. Remus had never been completely comfortable with everything Sirius and James had done to Snape. Not that Remus had been blameless either; it wasn’t as if he’d ever stood up for him. And the guilt from that knowledge had weighed particularly heavy since last year. But this? There was no way to justify it. He sighed and shook his head. “I don’t know… I hate the idea of just… abandoning him after all this time, but…” He was quiet for a moment, then looked up at James. “But I would have thought he’d have learned after the… incident.” Though he didn’t talk about it, that was never far from his mind.

“That’s what I told him. He’s broken our trust … it’s going to be hard getting it back. He tried blaming us for what happened today. Said if we weren’t so preoccupied it wouldn’t have happened. Like he requires us to be around for him to make good decisions.” He said shaking his head. “I suppose in a way it was my fault. I knew something was off when Sirius told me to watch. I should have stopped him. It was only a few seconds but … I could have shouted, done something to stop him.” 

Remus shook his head. “Don’t start thinking like that,” he said quietly. “It’ll drive you crazy. You didn’t have time to really think or react, and there’s no way you could have known it was something like this. Even Sirius didn’t fully understand what he’d done; how were you supposed to predict it?” He frowned for a moment, then said pensively. “Though… It’s no excuse for pulling a stunt like this, but… Maybe our spending less time with him did have something to do with it. We’ve done everything together, trusted each other with everything since first year, and Sirius doesn’t cope well with change.” 

It was a constant truth that Remus had observed. Sirius didn’t respond well to change, just as James didn’t respond well to being in the background, Remus didn’t respond well to guilt, and Peter didn’t do well with confrontation. Remus glanced over at the drawn curtains around Wormtail’s bed, wondering if he really was asleep, or was just pretending to avoid the whole controversy. Either way, it wouldn’t be the first time.

Remus lowered his voice to almost a whisper, and continued. “We can’t include him in everything anymore; there’s too much at stake now for that. But… I’m afraid that the more we push him away, the more he’ll lash out, and the more reckless stunts he’ll pull. Sirius is capable of doing some phenomenally stupid things, but he’s not an idiot. He knows there’s something big we’re keeping from him, and I don’t think he’s going to stop resenting that.”

“And it doesn’t help that I confirmed it. I didn’t tell him what it was, but … I let slip that something was going on that we couldn’t include him in. I didn’t mean to but … I was just so angry and disappointed … At some point during our training me and Snape got talking about the different changes that could be made. And one of the things he expressed was wanting to start a normal life once this was all over. And part of that normal life, I’m sure, was to start a family. He’s already lost everything once, and it’s starting all over again. I’ll be honest, I don’t want to be in the room when he finds out. I feel sorry for Madam Pomfrey.” 

Remus wasn’t sure what James meant by ‘changes,’ or that Snape had already lost everything once. He’d gotten the impression that James knew things about Snape now that he didn’t, and it was clear that there was more to him than Remus knew. He didn’t have to know everything, though. Some things were on a need-to-know basis, and James as the designated leader naturally needed to know more. Anyway, it wasn’t like Remus was entitled to know Snape’s secrets. Why should Snape share personal information with a monster who’d almost killed him? Really, Remus was lucky to be included at all.

But Remus didn’t need to know about Snape’s past to understand the rest of what James was saying. Everyone deserved at least a chance at a normal life, and nothing was more painful than knowing that parts of that could never happen. The fear of ending up completely alone could be absolutely paralyzing. Ever since Remus was little, he’d gratefully clung on to any scraps of normality that he could claim. Personally, though Remus doubted he would ever have the option, he had resolved never to have kids. The world was better off that way. But it still hurt, coming to that decision not because of what he actually wanted, but because something else had cut his options short. There had been no reason for that to happen to Snape. None at all. Remus glanced away. “Yeah,” he said quietly, crossing his arms. “Snape didn’t deserve this. No one does.”

“Should I request for a transfer then? Or should I just leave it? I don’t like the idea of abandoning him either, but he knows something is going on. If anything gets out, it could be the end. As you say, Sirius is smart, but he doesn’t think. And to be honest after everything I’m so mad at him I don’t even want to look at him.” 

James paused when he heard a creek on the stairs. He looked over his shoulder and, even though he couldn’t see him, he knew it was Sirius. “Taking to listening in at doorways now? I thought that was Snape’s forte.” 

“Says the guy who owns an Invisibility Cloak,” Sirius grumbled from the doorway. Now that they all knew he was there, though, there was no point hanging around in stairwells. He pushed open the door and stepped in, leaning against the wall as he looked from James to Remus and back again. “I’ve decided I really don’t care if you feel like looking at me right now or not. This conversation concerns me, and I’m going to hear it. And if you’re done with me, then you can damn well look me in the eyes and tell me so.”

“It doesn’t matter, the conversation was over.” James said standing up from Remus’ bed who gave him a slight nod. “Just take your stuff and go back downstairs.” He said going over to his own bed to change. Despite Sirius wanting him to look him in the eyes and tell him to go, James couldn’t. He had been his best friend for so long, and it hurt to have to do this. But Sirius was becoming a loose cannon. 

“You owe me more of an answer than that, and I’m not leaving without it,” said Sirius. “And the two of you weren’t quite finished, were you? You’d just asked Moony for his opinion, and I have yet to hear it.” He turned his stare to Remus. “So then, what’s the verdict? Is it going to be the Marauders minus Padfoot from now on?”

Remus sighed tiredly. “I don’t know right now,” he said. “Neither of us wants that and you know it, but…” he looked up at Sirius. “This can’t keep happening. I need to think about it, okay?”

“You need to think about it,” Sirius scoffed. “So you’re really considering it, then. But if the situation were reversed, the thought would never have even crossed my mind. Not even for a second.” He strode over to his bed and started angrily snatching up things to take with him.

Remus was quiet for a long moment, hating what he was about to say, before he finally spoke up. “Either way, if… If we’re all still fighting like this in a few days, I think… it would be best if I went to the Shrieking Shack alone this month. With everyone this angry, there’s too much risk of someone doing something stupid.” His eyes focused on the floor, not looking at either Sirius or James. He knew neither of them would like it. But he didn’t want Sirius there when he was like this, and having just James there without him might be too dangerous. It wasn’t as if Peter could do much to help keep him in line if something went wrong.

James said nothing in front of Sirius as he got into his pajamas and climbed into bed. “Good night Remus.” He said ignoring Sirius as he angrily got his stuff together to go back downstairs. He heard the portrait hole open downstairs, and figured it had to be Lily coming back from the hospital wing. He wanted to go downstairs to talk to her, but he doubted she would be in the mood. 

Sirius stopped and stared at Remus for a moment, disbelieving. Sure, Remus might have once or twice expressed concerns about the danger, but never once had he told them not to show up. He’d always trusted them at least that much. But right now, Remus was too busy having a one-sided staring contest with the floor to even look at him. Without another word, Sirius picked up the rest of his things and stormed out the door, slamming it behind him.

Only then did Remus mutter, “Goodnight,” and climbed into bed. Already, there was a dull ache in his bones that would only get worse as the full moon approached, and he knew from experience that trying to get comfortable was pointless. His sense of hearing had started to sharpen slightly as well, and he knew every noise would make it increasingly difficult to sleep. 

 

((A/N – Again …. I am so …. So very sorry. Don’t hate me. Please please don’t hate me. Ahem …. I’ll uh …. I’ll be hiding … if anyone needs me. Yeah …))


	42. Ferte in Noctem

((Originally posted on FF.net on Jan 14th)) 

((A/N -- As many of you have probably heard, Alan Rickman passed away today (1/14/2016). His talent has brought to life one of Rowling’s most striking characters, as well as many others over the course of his career. A remarkable actor and a remarkable person, he will be deeply missed. It felt right to us to post another chapter today to, in our own way, honour his memory.)) 

True to Madam Pomfrey’s word, Severus had been up at least once every hours to a sharp pain or dull throbbing pain in his lower region. Come morning, Severus felt back to normal despite being very tired from lack of sleep. He sat up in bed, moving slowly in case there were any ill side effects from shifting, but nothing happened. 

He got dressed quickly. He’d already missed his first class, if he was lucky he could make it to the second. 

Poppy waited until Severus was finished dressing before telling him gently, “I need to have a word with you about what happened. You’ll… probably want to sit down.”

Severus looked at her as she spoke. If she was telling him to sit down, it was never good. He said nothing as he sat back down on the bed. 

“Severus,” Poppy said quietly. “The potion that did this to you was a variety of infecundus potion.” She looked over at his face. By all accounts, the boy was highly knowledgeable on the subject of potions, and there was a possibility that he might already understand what she meant. “The antidote I had brought in from St. Mungo’s was administered quickly enough to prevent some of the worse long term effects, but…” Looking at his face, she couldn’t get past how young he was. Who would do this to a boy his age, just taking away his adult choices before he even had them? “But the infertility effects are still permanent. I’m sorry, but… you won’t ever be able to have children.” 

Severus stared at the floor, his entire body feeling numb and cold when he heard what she had said. It was hard to grasp onto. He’d never thought about kids really, in his previous life he’d been too busy with the war, and hadn’t had anyone in his life, and since returning it hadn’t even crossed his mind because of the war, and because he was now technically sixteen. But now that he was in a relationship with Lily, he would have thought … at some point …. one day … maybe … 

“I …” Severus started but stopped, trying to wrap his mind around what he’d just been told. “Are you sure?” He asked, hoping beyond all hope this wasn’t true. That this was just part of the prank and Poppy was in on it. He knew Lily would want kids one day. She’d talked about it on the occasion. ‘When I have kids.’, ‘When I start a family.’ … Now, if she was in a relationship with him, she couldn’t have that. Not with him anyway. 

Poppy’s expression was pained. She wished she could tell him that it wasn’t true, that she could just take back what she’d said. But that would change nothing. “Yes,” she said quietly. “I’m afraid the infertility effects of this particular potion have never been successfully cured.”

Severus rested his elbows on his crossed legs where he sat on the bed, and put his hands over his mouth. He didn’t know what to do or say … didn’t know how to react. “Okay.” He said quietly, pulling his hands away from his mouth. It was the only thing he could manage to say. He finally looked back at Poppy, his eyes watering though he refused to let them fall. “Do we know who did it?” 

Poppy looked at him sadly, and shook her head. “Not yet,” she said. “Though the Headmaster will want to know if perhaps you saw anything, or have any idea who could have done this. He doesn’t intend to just let this go.” She knew that was probably a concern that Severus had. He’d been ignored so many times as a student, that perhaps even as an assistant professor, he still thought no one would look into it. But this was far too serious a matter to ignore.

“I have an idea, but really no definitive proof.” He said wiping his eyes. “Can I go now?” He asked. He wanted to talk to Dumbledore about taking the day off, and talk to Lily about what had happened. 

“Yes,” Poppy said gently. “You may go.” There wasn’t anything more she could say to help, and no doubt the boy would need some time alone to work through this.

Severus moved off the bed, his body still feeling a bit odd from the shock as he moved towards Dumbledore’s office. He didn’t know how long it took him to get there through the empty halls, but it felt like both too long, and not long enough before he was at the entrance of Dumbledore’s office, not even having realized he’d gone past the gargoyle entrance and was already at the door. He looked up as if startled by the wood. 

“Come in Severus.” He heard Albus say quietly from the room, though loud enough for him to hear. Severus swallowed nervously, now suddenly unsure of what to say. The concept of taking time off work now seemed ridiculous. He was physically well enough to work, it seemed childish almost. Severus opened the door quietly and stepped inside, the door closing behind him. 

“Headmaster, I …” He paused when he saw Sirius Black sitting in the chair in front of Albus. “I’m sorry … I can come back later.” 

Sirius stiffened as Snape entered the room, though he didn’t turn around to look at him. He glanced apprehensively at Dumbledore. Sirius really hadn’t counted on having to deal with Snivellus this soon.

“That won’t be necessary, Severus,” Dumbledore said evenly, turning his gaze up toward Snape. He paused for a brief moment, then said softly: “Has Madame Pomfrey spoken to you yet?”

“Yes. Though I don’t really want to discuss the matter in front of …. a student.” He said refraining from insulting Black in that single sentence. 

Albus nodded. “That is more than understandable. However…” He looked pointedly at Sirius over the rims of his half-moon spectacles. “Mr. Black has just shared some information with me that might interest you. Mr. Black, would you care to tell Professor Snape what you have just told me?”

Sirius froze for a moment, then glanced over his shoulder at Snape, before looking back at Professor Dumbledore. “No, Headmaster,” Sirius answered. “I really wouldn’t care to.”

Albus’s stare hardened. “I see that I have asked the wrong question. Perhaps you would have the decency to answer the right one?”

For a ludicrous moment, Sirius really did consider saying that he did not, in fact, have the decency to answer that question. But that retort withered away under Dumbledore’s stare. He was in this far already; stalling wouldn’t help him now.

Sirius looked down at the desk, not able to continue meeting Dumbledore’s eyes, and really not wanting to look at Snivellus right now. “I did it,” he said simply. “It was me.” He’d already been through the whole thing with Dumbledore, about how he hadn’t planned for the long-term results, but he didn’t think Snape was going to care whether he had planned that or not, only that it had happened. 

Severus stared at the back of his Black’s head. He had a feeling it would have been Sirius, if it hadn’t been him, he’d have no idea who it could be. But him sitting here confessing the whole thing was not something Severus had expected. 

He could feel the blood drain from his face as he stood there, not moving any further into the room from where he stood near the door. 

“I know.” He said quietly, though he hadn’t really known. It could have been anyone really. But the cruel pranks really seemed to be up Black’s alley. Perhaps less so when he was an adult, but at this age … 

And that had been the idea, hadn’t it? Snape would have known it was him, would have guessed it without hesitation, but would never have been able to prove it. But that had all gone out the window, partially because of James’s little ultimatum, of course, but also partly because, fully understanding what he had done, there just wasn’t any satisfaction in it anymore. This had stopped being funny almost as soon as the prank was accomplished. The whole thing had turned out to be more trouble than it was worth.

“I didn’t know that the effects were permanent,” he added after a moment. “Not that that changes anything… but… just so you know.” He still didn’t feel particularly inclined to look at Snape right now. The whole situation was unbearably awkward.

Severus looked at Albus, his face expressionless. He supposed what Black did now was nowhere near as bad as what he’d done in the shack. “So, let me take a guess.” Snape said to Albus. “A weeks detention? Since the last incident was two, I don’t suppose this is as bad as attempted murder.” Snape said emotionlessly. 

Albus shook his head. “As I was telling Mr. Black before you arrived, I have not yet decided on an appropriate punishment for this. Until that decision is made, however, he will have detention every evening with Filch. Perhaps a week would be enough time to decide. Given that you are a valued member of this faculty and directly involved in this, I would like your input in that decision. However… I think it would be best if we discuss this again later, after the immediate shock has worn off.”

Severus regarded Albus for a moment as if he were joking. He was going to seriously consider his opinion on the matter? Severus felt as if that were just a formality … He highly doubted Albus would actually hear anything he had to say. If he had any say in the matter Black would be expelled from Hogwarts entirely. But no, they couldn’t do that. As unthinking as Black is, he will one day become an … asset, to the order, even if he can’t at the moment. Expelling him would cause nothing but problems. 

It didn’t, however, stop Severus from trying to scare Black. “If I had a say in the matter, he would be expelled.” He said looking at Black, wondering if it would indeed scare him, or if he thought the headmaster would defend him on the opinion. 

“You would!” Sirius protested, unsurprised. “Headmaster, he’d say that no matter what the offense was. It’s not like we have a history of getting along.”

“True, I suppose,” Albus nodded pensively. “Yet, given the severity of the offense, and against a teacher, expulsion may be well within the realm of possibility.”

Again, Albus fully intended to hold out from a less biased opinion from Severus later on, and even then he didn’t expect complete objectivity, given the two young men’s history. But right now, Sirius needed to grasp the severity of his actions. And if that also happened to make Snape somewhat less resentful toward Albus, that would be beneficial as well.

Sirius froze, staring wide-eyed at Dumbledore. “But…” he started, glancing over his shoulder at Snape, then back at Dumbledore. “Headmaster, could we maybe talk about this in private for a moment?”

Albus regarded Sirius over his half-moon glasses, the twinkle gone from his eye. “I think, perhaps, Mr. Black, that it would be best if you let Severus and I discuss this in private. You are dismissed. I believe you are late for potions.” He said pushing a piece of paper off to the side of the desk, Sirius current detention papers, and report on the incident. 

There was a look of desperation in Sirius’s eyes, but there was nothing left that he could say right now. Hopefully, it wouldn’t come down to pleading that he had nowhere else to go. Snape would get far too much satisfaction out of that. Sirius nodded. “Yes, Headmaster,” he said quietly, and then stood up to leave, glaring at Snape on his way out.

Snape watched him leave and approached the desk, focusing on his occlumency to keep himself as emotionless and as focused as possible. This was a big deal, and a shock to him for sure … but he could not let his own emotions compromise the outcome of this war. He sat down in the chair Sirius had previously sat in and regarded Albus. 

“So … what do you plan on doing with him?” He asked. “Expulsion is clearly out of the question. So …” 

“Perhaps it is,” Albus admitted. He had still not ruled out the possibility that Sirius could become an asset in the future, and alienating him completely could be dangerous. “Still, as long as he remains this immature, Black will continue to be a danger to himself and others. He does not easily grasp the consequences of his actions, and I see now that I have allowed that to continue for far too long.” He looked across the desk at Severus. “I said that I intended to take your opinion into consideration, and I meant it. Given that expulsion may not be an option… what do you think should be done?”

Severus leaned back in his chair. He wanted Black expelled more than anything. Wanted him in Azkaban for using such a foul potion on a, technically, underage individual. But … that would not help anyone. “I think … I may have an idea.” 

o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Severus headed down to the Charms classroom, and opening the door. 

"Excuse me, Professor Flitwick." Severus started.

"Severus you are a member of the faculty now." Flitwick said in his high squeaky voice. "Call me Filius." He said. 

"Of course ... May I take Miss. Evans for the remainder of class? I require her assistance." He said. Dumbledore had given him permission to excuse Lily from class so long as he acted professional in retrieving her. As if he'd expected any less. 

"Yes of course Severus." Flitwick said waving Lily off in a way of a friendly dismissal. 

Lily quickly gathered up her things and went to join Severus in the hallway. He had probably planned to pull her out during Charms intentionally; it was her best subject, and she would have no trouble catching up on anything she’d missed. Once the door had closed behind them, she looked up at him, concerned. “How are you feeling?” she asked. 

Seeing a few students still in the halls, mostly older students on spares, he whispered. "Not here." He said. "Come on." He said leading her in the direction of the room of requirement. 

Lily nodded and followed him, keeping a reasonable distance while others in the hallway might see. As they walked, her concern deepened. He seemed decidedly better than last night, and judging by his stride didn’t seem to even experience any serious discomfort from walking. But she had to wonder what was going on to make him pull her out of class. Of course he had to know that she’d been worrying about him, and that she’d want to know how he was doing as soon as possible… but she didn’t think that alone would be enough to make him risk drawing attention by publically removing her from class. There was something else going on. 

Once again Severus felt like the walk was far too long. They made it up to the room of requirement without getting too many stares, and luckily the hall in front of the room door was empty. 

The room didn’t even hesitate to open as Severus approached it, seeing his desperate need for privacy. He opened the door for her and waited for her to stop inside. Once they were both in, he shut the door with a quiet click leaving them both in silence, his hand starting to shake on the doorknob, but he quickly let it go. 

Lily caught sight of the shaking in Severus’s hand before he drew it away. She looked up at him, trying to read his expression and formulate some idea of what was wrong. “Severus?” she asked, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder. “Are you alright?”

Severus opened his mouth to speak again but no words came out. Now that no one was around and he was no longer focusing on his occlumency he felt that sudden rush of pain again. Not physical pain as he had the night before, but emotional pain. He stepped forward and before he even thought about what he was doing he pulled Lily into a hug. 

For a brief moment he wasn’t sure of what he was more upset about. The fact that he couldn’t have kids … or the fact that he knew Lily did. Or at least would. He was scared to tell her … scared she’d leave him. But he had to tell her. He had to tell someone who would actually care. Someone who wouldn’t look at him like a little kid, or with pity in their eyes. 

Lily froze for a moment, surprised, and then wrapped her arms around him, holding him tightly to her, all the more worried as she did. She didn’t understand what was going on, what could be affecting him like this. But if he needed her to hold him, she could do that. “Sev?” she asked again after a moment, softly. “Sev, what is it?”

Severus backed up from her, reluctantly moving away from her. “I … I know it doesn’t affect you in the immediate future, and … depending on how things turn out it might not at all but …” He said, always the pessimist. “I …” He licked his lips and looked away from her. He suddenly didn’t want to tell her anymore. He felt stupid. This wasn’t her problem. She was only sixteen and nowhere near thinking about a future like this … least of all with him. But … He needed someone to talk to. 

“Black slipped a potion into my drink last night … it …” He sighed and looked around the room again, his eyes watering a bit but once again he refused to let them fall.

Lily looked back at him with wide eyes, bewildered and worried by what he was saying. At the mention of Sirius Black, however, anger flared in her expression. She should have known it was him. The bastard never could leave Sev alone. But nothing he’d done before had ever made Severus react quite like this. “What did he do?” she whispered.

Severus ran his hand over his nose and mouth before looking down at the ground. “He uh … found a potion in the restricted section. It’s a potion so … wrong … that it doesn’t even have a name. Its effects are irreversible. It’s uh … rather dark version of the infecundus potion.” He said, unsure if she knew what it was. “I’m never going to be able to have kids.” He said so quietly it was barely above a whisper. He glanced up at her before looking back down at the ground. 

Lily stood in stunned silence, her thoughts racing. Not one scenario she’d thought of had remotely prepared her for this. At least Severus wasn’t in any danger, he wasn’t hurting anymore… not physically anyway, but… but… How could this just happen? They weren’t even at a point in their relationship, or in a point in their life yet, to even discuss kids, and suddenly that road was closed. Demolished, really, before they could even get to it. And it was all just because Sirius Black needed to feel superior to someone. The sheer unfairness of it was unbelievable.

“Never?” she whispered, her eyes starting to tear up. She still couldn’t fully wrap her head around the idea, not wanting to believe it. She had to have misunderstood what he was saying.

“That’s … generally what ‘irreversible’ means.” He said sitting down on the couch that appeared behind him. He looked away from her preparing himself for the worst. He couldn’t give her the family she wanted … There was only one logical thing for her to do. Pursue someone who could give her that. She’d find someone … probably Potter. But he didn’t want to let her go. He couldn’t stop her from leaving though. Wouldn’t. 

Still … he couldn’t help but picture the kids they could have one day had. Picture a future he’d always dreamed of. A small, but nice wedding, a little girl with dark eyes and red hair waking him up for breakfast that ‘mom’ made. Watching his … their … kids grow up. He’d fantasized about what could have been more times than he could imagine. ‘If I hadn’t become a death eater’, ‘If I hadn’t called her the M word’, … IF was here …. and that dream was once again taken from him. 

Lily went over to Severus on the couch and wrapped her arms around him, struggling not to cry. As awful as this was for both of them, she could barely even begin to imagine how terrible Severus must be feeling right now. He was the one that Sirius had directly victimized. “I’ll kill him,” she whispered, furious even as the tears began to fall. Black had no right to do this to them. The bastard had taken his vicious games too far a long time ago, and then just kept going. “Sev, I swear I’ll kill him.” She didn’t know what to say, or how to make this any less painful. Hadn’t Sev endured enough misery already?

“Don’t.” Severus said, confused that she was even still here. Though, he supposed she was still his friend at least. “It doesn’t affect you, and I don’t want you in trouble over me.” 

“What?” Lily looked up at him, confused and angry and hurt. “What do you mean it doesn’t affect me?” Was she not supposed to care that this had happened to him? Surely he didn’t think that; he’d brought her here to tell her, hadn’t he? So… So what was he talking about? Was he implying that they wouldn’t be together long enough for it to matter? Admittedly, if they were objective it was probably too early to tell, but… but didn’t they both hope it would last? It didn’t make any sense.

“Lily … You’ve always expressed wanting that ‘perfect life’ … The husband, the home with a white picket fence, two point five kids maybe a dog.” He said, over exaggerating the idea but it got the point across. “I can’t give that to you … Not anymore.” He said smiling bitterly. “I know it’s not going to affect us now but … when we’re adults … when you want that. When you look at our relationship and see that it’s missing something. Who’s going to be to blame for that?” Severus asked. “You can still have kids … you can still get married to a guy who can provide you that … who can give you everything you want.” He said turning away from her a few tears spilling down his cheeks. “I can’t keep you from what you want Lily … even if that means letting you go.” 

“Letting me…” she stared at him, eyes still full of tears. “I’m not going anywhere!” she said fiercely. She planted both hands firmly on his shoulders and looked directly into his face, even as he tried to turn away from her. “How could you even say that!? So, years from now I’m supposed to just start resenting you for no reason?! None of this is your fault, and you think I’m going to just… I told you already, I want you! The rest of it doesn’t matter! Why can’t you understand that?”

“It will matter one day.” Snape said looking at her. “You’re only sixteen now so kids aren’t exactly in the cards at the moment but … What happens when you’re older? When you’re ready to have a kid and I can’t give that to you? Can you seriously look me in the eye, and say that you would be willing to give all that up? To never have a kid … are you seriously thinking about what this actually means? Because it’s kind of a big deal. Life changing even. Am I worth that?” 

“I’m aware that it’s kind of a big deal,” she said, exasperated. “Stop trying to tell me what I’m supposed to want in the future! No one’s guaranteed an ideal life anyway, but that doesn’t mean it makes sense to give up on having a life together at all!” She touched a hand to his cheek, looking directly into his eyes. “You are worth it,” she said, her voice softening. “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.”

Severus started to argue, but stopped, the sound turning into a sigh. “Why are you so stupid.” He said more than asked, though it was light hearted, and in no way serious. He turned sideways on the couch, moving his leg up onto the couch. He leaned forward to hug her. “We’ll take it like we would any relationship then. Day by day. But I want you to promise me … if at any time you find you’re not happy with me … that you’ll be honest with me.” He said quietly, kissing her shoulder. 

Lily was quiet for a moment. While she wanted to argue with the assumption that it would happen, she supposed what he was saying was reasonable. She nodded. “Alright,” she conceded. “But you need to stop thinking I’m about to walk out on you. Because I can assure you that’s not going to happen anytime soon. You’re not getting rid of me that easily.”

Severus pulled back from the hug, a few tears still streaking his face. He wiped them away suddenly feeling a little bit better about the whole situation. Sure he still felt like an emotional wreck over the entire thing, and he was still more than angry at Black for what he’d done. But he at least had someone at his side, for the time being. 

“How did I get so lucky?” He asked. “To find the most perfect girl in the world.” 

Lily kissed him on the cheek. “You ever consider that maybe I’m the lucky one?” He probably hadn’t, she realized, and she doubted he’d believe her now. He clearly had no concept of how much she liked being around him.

Severus smiled slightly. With his extremely thin body in his black teaching robes he he seemed more like an overgrown bat thrown over the couch than a human. “Seeing as how I’m too tall, too skinny, my nose is the size of a watermelon, I’m now very batlike, have a sour disposition, I’m exceedingly grumpy all the time and have an overly bad attitude. I’d say I’m the lucky one out of the two of us. I have no idea what you see in me.” He said, only half joking. 

Lily shook her head. “I disagree,” she insisted. “You’re absolutely just right. And I won’t have you insulting my taste like that.” She understood that he was at least partially joking this time, but… it still bothered her the way he put himself down like that. Didn’t he get enough derision from other people without directing it at himself too? 

Severus smirked and leaned forward to kiss her gently before he pulled back. "I love you." He said quietly before he'd realized what he'd said. His entire face turned red with embarrassment. "I mean ... Uh ..." He cleared his throat feeling odd for having said that out loud. 

Lily looked back at him, surprised for a moment. She hadn’t expected to hear those words now, when Severus had been so miserable just a moment before. He clearly hadn’t meant to say it, either. But… it didn’t surprise her that he felt that way. She could see it so clearly in the way he looked at her sometimes, that she had to wonder why she hadn’t noticed it sooner. He’d probably just refrained from saying it for fear of scaring her away. And, admittedly, if he’d told her that a while ago, it might have. The intensity of his feelings for her could be intimidating, especially when she was still trying to figure out what she wanted... But she knew what she wanted now. She had never been this sure of anything.

“Sev,” she said quietly. “I love you too.”

Severus looked up at her, feeling more surprised and he was sure it reflected on his face. "Really?" He said dumbly, before a stupid grin appeared on his face. 

“Yes, really,” she said, laughing. She couldn’t help it. The dumbfounded expression on his face… What other answer had he expected? “You know I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it.”

Severus smiled softly, resting his forehead against hers. “I have the rest of the day off. Do you think you’ll be missed in class?” He asked, the smile turning into a smirk. 

Lily smiled, blushing slightly. “Well, I’m already out of Flitwick’s class… It might be just a little suspicious if I missed all of my classes on your day off, though,” she admitted. But she was tempted to stay here with Severus as long as she feasibly could. 

“Well … perhaps a little suspicion is okay.” He said, “So long as we don’t get caught. They’ll have no actual proof.” He said, though really it wasn’t as possible as he made it sound. Even a little suspicion could get them caught. 

Lily looked at him skeptically. “You know perfectly well we need to be more careful than that,” she said, inwardly wishing she didn’t have to be quite so reasonable about this. “As much as I’d love to stay here with you all day, I really don’t want to get you fired.” Though the more she thought about it, the more difficult it seemed to be responsible. If he argued the point much longer, she was in danger of giving in.

“Fine.” He said sourly. “At least stay with me until the end of the period?” He asked. 

Lily nodded. “I can do that,” she said, then leaned forward and kissed him, holding him close as she did. There was no reason not to make the most of the time they did have.

Severus nodded, grateful that she was willing to stay with him. “I’m probably going to stay in here for the remainder of the day anyway.” He said. “I’ll get some practice in … do something to take my mind off of everything.” He said. Perhaps he’d continue studying the white eyes technique, and he had Lupin’s wolfsbane to finish tonight. He’d have to get Lupin to start drinking it tomorrow. 

“That’s probably a good idea,” she said, one hand running lightly through Severus’s hair. She regretted even more not being able to stay the whole day with him. True, he was no longer in physical pain as far as she could tell, and she’d been able to firmly reassure him that she wasn’t going anywhere, that this didn’t change anything between them and she loved him… but it was still bound to weigh on his mind. And though they would be able to move on from this, she doubted it was the last time that it would bother him. And it had happened to Severus for such a stupid reason… thinking about it made her furious all over again. 

She looked up at him. “Have you talked to Dumbledore about this at all?” she asked. “It’s just… I don’t trust him not to just let Black off with a slap on the wrist like last time. He might be more inclined to listen this time since you’re faculty, but…” Then again, given the history of horrible things that kept happening to Sev with little to no intervention from Dumbledore, could they really depend on that? “Madame Pomfrey would probably take your side, if you needed someone to help argue your case…” She frowned in thought, trying to come up with ways to make Dumbledore listen, to make him actually do something. What Sirius Black had done was so horribly, cruelly, despicably wrong. She couldn’t bear the idea that he’d be left unpunished, to strike at Sev again whenever he felt like it. 

“I already discussed a punishment with Dumbledore. Right now we’re making him sweat. Let him think about what could possibly happen, let his imagination do the work. He has detention until the end of the week when we give him the final verdict. Expulsion might very well be in his near future.” He said. 

Lily’s eyebrows raised slightly in surprise. “Do you think Dumbledore will go through with it?” she asked. Expulsion was far harsher than she would have expected, but given the circumstances, she had great difficulty feeling any sympathy for Sirius Black. Anything that kept him from hurting Sev anymore was welcome… though she somehow doubted Dumbledore would go that far. “And is it really possible to make someone sweat when he’s never had to deal with the consequences of his actions before? He’ll probably think Dumbledore’s bluffing, whether he is or not.”

Severus laughed slightly. “It very much could be in the cards … In fact, Dumbledore was more than willing to agree that expulsion may be the best punishment. However … as much as I would like to see Black expelled, and you know I do … I already informed Dumbledore that he shouldn’t be. That doesn’t mean that we can’t make him think he’s going to be for the remainder of the week.” 

Lily stared at him. “So… let me get this straight… You talked Professor Dumbledore out of expelling Sirius Black?” She held her hand to Sev’s forehead, as if feeling his temperature. “Are you sure you shouldn’t go back to the Hospital Wing?”

Severus laughed. “Oh … his punishment will be much worse than expulsion.” He said taking Lily’s hand away from his forehead. 

“Worse than expulsion?” she frowned. “How?” An expulsion from Hogwarts made it enormously difficult to even function in wizarding society for the rest of someone’s life. What could Severus have concocted, and Dumbledore agreed to, that could possibly be worse than that?

“You’ll see.” Severus said with a wicked smirk. 

((A/N – Started out a little depression I’m sorry for that – but happy ending. JUST YOU WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE WHAT HE HAS IN STORE FOR SIRIUS! Smart Snape is smart! As always please R&R.))


	43. Somebody Help Me Tame This Animal

Chapter 43 

The next day Severus walked down the hall towards the library where he knew Remus was usually found between classes. He held a metal goblet in his hand, smoke steaming from the top. He entered the library and saw that it was empty. He walked through the aisles, Madam Pince complaining about him bringing liquids into the library. He waved her off and continued down the aisles until he saw Remus curled up in a chair with his book. 

“Lupin.” Snape said in a way of greeting as he approached. 

Remus had heard Snape’s footsteps approaching in the otherwise silent library, and smelled a sharp odor that was unfamiliar to him. He looked up from his book, somewhat apprehensively, to see Snape standing there with a smoking metal goblet. “You’ll want to be careful with that,” he said. “Madame Pince holds a grudge.” He ought to know. He was a model student when it came to taking care of library books, but one ink spill in first year had sealed her opinion of him.

“I’m aware.” He said holding the goblet out to Remus. “Here, drink this.” He said, not bothering to tell Remus what it was. 

Remus blinked. “Um… Do you mind telling me what it is?”

“Yes, actually, I happen to mind.” Snape said still holding out the goblet. “Drink it.” 

“Snape,” Remus said slowly, trying to move away slightly in his chair. Whatever was in that goblet, the incredibly bitter smell was starting to make his eyes water. “No offense, but I’m really not in the habit of drinking mysterious smoking liquids.” Particularly mysterious smoking liquids offered by anyone who had never particularly liked him.

Snape looked highly annoyed. “Lupin, if you do not drink this potion right now … by Merlin’s beard I will make you drink it.” He said entirely serious, and he would if he had too. “I guarantee you neither one of us will enjoy it if it comes to that.” 

Remus stared up at him, now more than a little worried. Snape didn’t look like he was bluffing. “You… do know I had nothing to do with that, right?” Though he trusted that Snape was on their side in terms of the war against Voldemort, Remus still didn’t put it past him to take some seriously vindictive revenge. Which, given the apparent agony Snape had been in the other night was understandable, but still…

“This has nothing to do with that … I’m going to give you to the count of three Lupin, you are wasting my time. One …. two ….” Severus started counting wondering if Lupin would actually take it.

Remus glanced around. There were bookshelves to both sides of him, and the window to his back was too high up to flee that way. And Snape was blocking his way forward. Quickly, Remus moved to push Snape out of the way, in an attempt to dart past him.

Snape sighed as Remus tried to run for it. He didn’t understand why he even bothered, there wasn’t much room on either side of him. He didn’t even have to use magic as he placed his hand in the center of Remus’ chest and pushed him back into the chair. “Do you want me to start counting again? Or should I just force it down your throat? I guarantee you the potion will not harm you.” He said sounding more exasperated than anything. 

“Why won’t you just tell me what it is, then?” Remus protested. He knew he was trapped, but he was still extremely uncomfortable with the idea of drinking Snape’s unidentified potion, and couldn’t help being stubborn about it. He was starting to suspect that it was something experimental, which, even if Snape didn’t intend him any harm, was far from reassuring.

Severus sighed. “You’re really testing my patience Lupin. Do you really think I’d risk my job over harming you?” Snape asked. “We’re going to do this one more time … And if you don’t drink it, I will make you.” He said once again holding the goblet out to him. “One …” Snape said sounding far more threatening than he had the first time. 

“You wouldn’t,” Remus stammered. No matter how threatening he seemed, Snape wasn’t really about to force the potion down his throat right here in the middle of the library… was he?

“Two …” Snape said keeping a perfectly straight face, using the intimidating voice he’d used for years to frighten his students. 

Remus tried to keep the nervousness out of his eyes as he made himself meet Snape’s stare, determined to call his bluff. He wasn’t about to risk Madame Pince catching him doing this. Then again, she disliked Remus enough that she might not bother doing anything… but Snape didn’t know that. And he was definitely bluffing.

Snape raised his eyebrows. “Three ….” Severus said. “You chose your way.” He said pulling out his wand and binding Remus to the chair, his arms sticking to the arms of the chair. Snape stepped forward looking rather bored as he picked up the book from Remus’ lap and placed it on the table. “I was really hoping I wouldn’t have to resort to this. It would have been a lot easier on you had you just taken it.” He said coming up beside him. With one hand he pinched Remus’ jaw open, and with the other poured some of the potion into his mouth, enough to fill it, but easy enough for him to swallow. He allowed Remus’ mouth to close and placed his hand over his mouth so that he couldn’t spit it out. 

Remus’s eyes widened as he suddenly found himself bound to the chair, unable to move. The potion tasted even more foul than it smelled, and he coughed, trying to spit it out, only to have Severus’s hand pressed over his mouth. Remus swallowed, shuddering, the potion burning his throat on the way down and leaving a revolting aftertaste. “I can’t believe you just did that!” Remus coughed indignantly. Somewhere on the other side of the library, Madame Pince made an irritated shushing noise. As suspected, she was not overly concerned with the fate of a notorious ink-spiller.

Severus smirked and forced his jaw open again and poured a bit more in before once again clasping his hand over his mouth. “And just think, had you done this willingly, it would have been so much easier.” 

Remus tried to jerk his head away as Severus forced his jaw open, but it was pathetically useless. This time, he swallowed the potion as quickly as possible, trying to get the taste out of his mouth. Once again, it left him coughing and sputtering. And if Snape intended to make him drink the entire goblet, there was still a ways to go. “Wait. I’ll drink the rest, okay? Just let me up.” He might as well just get this over and done with. 

Snape looked rather annoyed. “Open up …” He said, holding the goblet to his mouth. He wasn’t giving Remus the opportunity to try to run again, he would how ever give him the opportunity to try to drink it instead of it being forced down his throat. 

Remus hesitated for a second, then sighed and started to drink the potion, still cringing at the taste. At this point, he was just trying to drink it down as quickly as possible, not even worrying anymore about what it might do to him, because it couldn’t be any worse than having to drink the foul substance in the first place.

Severus got him to drink the remainder of the potion. “You’ll have to do this four more times over the next few days.” He said pulling the goblet away from his mouth and freeing him from the chair. “I trust you’ll do it willingly tomorrow?” 

Remus stared at him as if he were insane, still trying to get his coughing under control. “But why?!” he demanded, waving his arms in frustration now that they were free. “It doesn’t even do anything!” At least, not immediately, anyway. Other than his throat burning and his mouth tasting like something had died in it, he didn’t feel any different.

“You’ll understand … in time. Rest assured it will help you Lupin … I have no intention of harming a potential ally.” He said walking away from him, goblet in hand. 

Remus sighed. “You don’t have to be so cryptic and mysterious about everything, you know,” he called after him. Of course, he knew he was going to end up drinking the damned potion again anyway. Snape had made it clear that he didn’t have a choice. When it came down to it, Remus supposed he trusted Snape, even if he didn’t always understand his reasoning. It wasn’t as if he’d ever steered them wrong ever since this whole resistance idea had started. But if he was being forced to drink foul, unidentified potions, he couldn’t help wanting to know why. Maybe he didn’t really have a right to complain, though. After all those years of standing by and doing nothing while his two best friends tormented Snape, he probably deserved a lot worse.

\----

Lily left Dumbledore’s office almost as confused as when she’d arrived. Of course Voldemort had to have attended Hogwarts, just like everybody else, but… it was bizarre somehow to think of him as a student, and stranger still to think that teachers she knew had been here then. And the sight of him talking so casually to Slughorn… the whole thing was just surreal. She’d always thought of Slughorn as a reasonably good-natured person… annoying sometimes, perhaps, and with a tendency toward favoritism, but harmless overall. 

So what was he hiding? What had Riddle asked about that was so dangerous that Slughorn had felt the need to distort the very word? She suspected that Dumbledore had some idea, but he wasn’t saying anything. And how exactly was she supposed to get ahold of that information? Slughorn had always liked her well enough, but how was she supposed to get him to talk about something he was so frightened and ashamed of? The only thing that came to mind was bringing him a present of some sort. It seemed like a lame idea, even in her head. But then, Slughorn had always been very fond of gifts… She immediately ruled out candy, though. Anything similar to what Riddle had done was a bad idea. She was going to have to come up with something unique. Slowly, an idea started to form. It would take some work, but she was certain she had the Charms skill to pull it off, which Slughorn was sure to appreciate… She had no idea how she was going to get from Step One: Create Unique and Thoughtful Gift, to Step Two: Get Slughorn to Spill his Deepest Darkest Secrets, but at least it was a start.

\----

Remus sat huddled in the Shrieking Shack, awaiting the inevitable. Everything hurt; muscles and bones already convinced that they were in the wrong shape, that every structure needed to rearrange. It wouldn’t be long now before the moon rose. He’d been afraid that Sirius or James wouldn’t listen to him and would show up anyway. Sirius had been dangerously unpredictable lately… more so than usual, anyway. But he hadn’t even entirely trusted James to stay away; there was always a chance he’d show up and endanger himself with all the best intentions. Maybe he’d underestimated them both … or maybe James had Sirius in a headlock somewhere while Peter hid under the bed. That seemed far more likely. They’d held off on requesting a transfer after Sirius had made a bitter comment that they shouldn’t bother, since he might be expelled anyway. But the air of tension had been so oppressive that he couldn’t even blame Peter for wanting to keep out of it. That just irritated James more, for some reason.

Remus shuddered involuntarily. He could almost feel the moon pulling at him, as if he had no more free will than the tides. And for the first time in a long while, he was left to face this alone, without his crazy friends doing everything they could think of to distract him. Maybe this was how it always should have been, and he’d been selfish to think that there could be any other way. It had always been too reckless… but he still couldn’t help missing them. He felt a deep terror of the transformation now, as bad as it had been when he was a child… but it would still have been there if he weren’t alone. It had come back worse than ever since the incident at the end of last school year. Now, every time, something deep inside him was convinced that this would be it. This would be the time he hurt someone, and then there could be no going back.

The sound of footsteps could be heard coming down the hall, echoing through the room. The moon would rise any second now. Had James went against his request and come anyway? If it was, he was sure cutting it close, and he would have to transform soon. 

But who came through the door was not, in fact, James Potter. Severus Snape stepped through the doorway. “Lupin.” He greeted casually. 

Remus’s eyes widened, and his face went white. He’d had more than a few nightmares that started off this way. “Snape?” he said, disbelieving. “Have you completely lost your mind!? What are you doing here!?”

Snape smirked as he leaned against the wall. “I came to watch.” He said not making any move to leave. 

“Snape,” Remus said slowly, using the kind of forced calm tone that one would normally reserve for speaking to a dangerous maniac… though with a slight unintentional tremble. “We both know that’s a bad idea. Just… Just go back to the castle, okay?”

Snape made a show of thinking about it a moment before he moved over and sat at the piano bench. “I don’t think so.” 

“Why!?” Remus shouted, inching away, trying to put as much distance between himself and Snape as possible. His eyes darted around, but there was nothing he could use to barricade himself away from Snape, nothing that would hold his wolf form at bay. He’d already destroyed most of the furniture in here ages ago. And escape from the Shack was unthinkable; he couldn’t risk letting his wolf form out where it could hurt other people too. “You know what happened last time! What I almost… What…” He was on the verge of panic. He’d have tried to forcibly drag Snape to the exit, but he could transform at any minute now, and couldn’t risk being that close to Snape when he did. “Just go! Get out of here!” 

“I already answered that Lupin …” He said taking his bag off and placing it on the floor. To be rather honest he was a bit nervous being here, but he was here for a reason even if Lupin didn’t quite understand it yet. He wanted nothing more than to bolt, run for the door and never look back … but he trusted his own potions skills. 

Remus opened his mouth to argue, but then shuddered with another convulsion, every sense suddenly hyper-aware. It was too late. It was happening. He turned away, shutting his eyes and holding his breath. Maybe, if the wolf didn’t see or smell him during the first few seconds, Snape might come to his senses, might have a chance to escape… Every bone filled with splintering agony, as if he were regrowing his entire skeletal structure with Skele-gro in an instant, everything that was him breaking down and reforming into something else, something unrecognizable and inhuman. A scream of pain and terror tore from his throat, only to transform halfway into a blood-chilling howl. Even then, he desperately willed himself to stay in control as long as possible, don’t move, don’t breathe, don’t open his eyes, don’t give in to the killing instinct, don’t hurt anyone, please, please, please don’t hurt anyone…

A long moment passed before he realized what was happening. He wasn’t just thinking it. He actually was staying still, head down between his hand like paws, eyes still closed, not breathing, not lunging in for the kill. And… He was definitely a wolf now. Everything felt different; even stubbornly refusing to use his sense of smell, his hearing was far too sharp. There was no denying that he had left his human form, but… that vicious, bloodthirsty, predatory instinct, the overpowering need to hunt, the inhuman rage that took over… It wasn’t there. He didn’t even have to fight it. It was simply gone.

Slowly, he raised his head from between his paws… intentionally. Not because instinct drove him to, but because he had decided to move his own body, no differently than he would as a human. Tentatively, he allowed himself to breathe, the many scents of the night reaching him just as acutely as they always did in this form, but without the drive to chase them all down. Snape’s scent was still present in the room, but unlike last time, it didn’t register as prey. It was just Snape. Remus opened his eyes, the color spectrum still different from what he could see as a human, and rose on four legs. He turned around to look at Snape, canine eyes wide with confusion. He was still himself. How was that suddenly possible?

Snape paled as he watched Lupin’s transformation, suddenly second guessing his own ability. Fear gripping that rational part of his mind that it would work. Once Remus had fully transformed and was still on the floor with his nose between his paw like hands, his breath held, he knew it had worked. He’d be on him already if it hadn’t. 

Once Lupin turned on all four to look at him Severus stood, slowly walking towards him. He could hear Remus faintly whimpering, most likely from the pain of the transformation but he doubted it would last long. 

He reached a hand towards Lupin, hesitating a moment in case this was just a delay after the transformation … in case he was just held there from the pain. Still partially worrying that Lupin would bite him. 

Remus flinched as Severus reached toward him, taking a step back in a sudden, panicked reaction. He shouldn’t be this close to Snape. No one should be near him, he was dangerous, he might hurt him, he… was still completely in control. The instinct to attack, to destroy, to kill, was still completely missing. He didn’t understand why, or how, or how long it was going to last… but he wasn’t in any danger of hurting Snape. He stepped forward again, still bewildered.

Severus calmed as he realized that Remus wasn’t about to attack him. He reached forward again and pat Remus on the head like one would a dog. Albeit a very large, very humanoid dog, but a dog none-the-less. 

“Get some sleep tonight Lupin. For once …” He said going back to his bag. “You can’t talk now anyway, I’ll be in the library tomorrow morning before I go do some independent training. You can come talk to me then if you like.” 

Remus froze as Snape actually patted him on the head. Still no killing instinct emerged. The ludicrous idea struck him that he was now a tame werewolf. Which was ridiculous, and explained nothing. You couldn’t just tame a werewolf, nor could a werewolf just suddenly will himself to be in control. Remus should know; he’d been struggling to control himself for years, and it never worked. So how was this happening? He found himself able to focus on Snape’s words, to process them just as easily as if he were still human.

The realization sank in. Snape had known this was going to happen. He acted completely unsurprised with it, and why else would he have stayed? Remus stared at him. The potions… It had to have been the potions. Snape had somehow invented a potion that… that allowed him to still be himself. Snape had done this. Remus had so many questions, about how and… and why Snape had done this. He’d never owed Remus anything; Remus wouldn’t have even blamed Snape for hating him, but he’d still worked this impossible miracle. This changed everything. And Remus had no voice, no outlet to ask any of his questions, or to express any of the gratitude or confusion or relief or joy that he felt right now. Before he realized what he was doing, Remus leaped up on Snape like a very large happy dog.

Severus heard the sound of large paws on the floor and turned just in time to see Lupin flying at him. Severus screamed and shielded his face as he was knocked to the ground. Did he perhaps make a mistake in the potion? His heart pounded in his chest as he landed on his back, the huge wolf on top of him. 

Rather than attacking him, however, the massive wolf started trying to lick him in the face… so it was just as well that Snape had thrown up his arms to shield himself. It took a moment for Remus’s mind to catch up with what he was doing and remember that this was not normal, acceptable human behavior. It occurred to him that, even with the killing instinct gone, his immediate impulses were still apparently very canine. And, with no human means of communication for everything he needed to say, that had apparently taken over … It then occurred to him that Snape probably did not appreciate being knocked to the floor and slobbered on by a massive werewolf.

Severus within moments realized that what met his flesh was not in fact sharp teeth, but a rather large wet tongue. Severus sneered as the wolf’s tongue ran over his face over and over again as he tried to push him off of him. A moment later the wolf licked his chin, his tongue briefly going inside his mouth, more than likely by accident. 

“GET OFF!!!” Severus cried angrily spitting onto the floor beside him. 

Coming to his senses, Remus leaped off of him with an apologetic whimper, and backed away, wide eyes concerned. He’d knocked Snape to the ground pretty hard; had he ended up hurting him after all? At the very least, he’d clearly made him extremely uncomfortable just now. Stupid; if he was finally able to control himself now, he needed to start acting like it.

Severus finally stood up, glaring at Remus as he brushed himself off and wiped the drool from his face. He moved towards Remus and smacked him on the nose. “Down!” He said angrily before walking away. 

Remus felt relief when Snape was able to stand up, angry but apparently unharmed. It didn’t really hurt when Snape smacked him on the nose, but he ducked his head anyway, ashamed. Snape had given him his mind back, and Remus had repaid him by scaring the hell out of him and then slobbering on him. He was going to have to think of a way to make that up to him somehow. 

Yet, even as Snape walked away in disgust, Remus couldn’t help but feel a surge of disbelieving joy all over again. He was still himself. He was free. He was as close to cured as any werewolf had ever been. He would never again wake up the morning after the full moon covered in new scratches and scars. He would never again have to worry about hurting anyone. Compared to that, the transformations themselves were nothing. He wasn’t a monster anymore. The nightmare was over. He found himself racing through the Shrieking Shack in circles out of sheer joy. Finally, exhausted, he did what Snape had advised, and curled up on the floor to rest. For the first time he could remember, Remus slept through the night of the full moon.

((A/N – Sorry we’re taking so long to update. We still have 30 or so pages back logged, but we’re quickly catching up to where we’re at writing wise. We also have two large Gotham fanfics we’re working on and are going to start posting soon as well. Rest assured, this fanfic will not be abandoned without prior warning, and we have every intention of continuing it. Thank you to everyone who has stuck by with us this far. It’s been over a year since this all started, and I’m so glad to see you all still sticking with it. As always, please leave a review, they’re what keeps us going!))


	44. Messrs Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, And Prongs

Chapter 44

Severus sat in the library reading over Mr. Evans’ letter. His appointment to get his eyes checked was this weekend. He would have to convert some of his galleons to muggle money to pay for the appointment and for his glasses if he needed them. He probably would. His bad eyesight had never bothered him before, and he’d functioned fine without them (though perhaps he shouldn’t have), but perhaps glasses wouldn’t be a bad idea. 

He wrote a quick letter to Mr. Evans that he would go on his own, and pay for it himself. He was sure Mr. Evans would argue the matter. He handed the letter to Amaranth who was perched on the back of his wing backed chair. The crow took it and Snape opened the window next to him. “Deliver that to Mr. Evans.” He said as the crow gave him a dirty look before taking off out of the window. 

Remus had been released from the Hospital Wing earlier than usual by a baffled Madame Pomfrey. He’d had to explain away the complete lack of injuries with: “I guess I was just lucky this time,” which he knew she couldn’t really have bought. She’d have to be brought into the know eventually, but right now, Remus didn’t understand how the potion worked, and wasn’t entirely sure Snape wouldn’t get into trouble for testing experimental potions on students. Immediately, he had gone looking for Snape, and he found him now in the library.

“Um … Snape?” Remus asked, suddenly nervous as he approached him. “Do you have a minute to talk?”

“I asked you here, did I not?” He asked, closing the window and looking at Remus. It was a Saturday so there were no classes, and he knew Remus had a lot of questions. 

Remus nodded, and sat down in a chair near Snape’s. He paused for a moment, then asked: “It … was the potion, wasn’t it?” He looked over at Snape in confusion. “Why didn’t you just tell me that’s what it was for? Couldn’t you have saved yourself a lot of trouble?”

“After all the experiments and tests you went through as a kid, would you have believed me?” Snape asked, before he realized that knowledge would have been odd. Snape in this timeline hadn’t known that yet. 

Remus started to answer, then frowned. “How did you know about that?” he asked.

Snape sighed. “Considering you still have parents, it’s not that hard to figure out that they would do everything they can to save you.” He lied. While his own parents wouldn’t do the same for him, he had no doubt that Lupin’s would. 

That … was true enough. Though many werewolves who were bitten as kids found themselves abandoned or locked away, Remus had been fortunate in that respect. It wouldn’t have been that hard for Snape to figure out. After all, his parents had even gone so far as to plead their case to Dumbledore, and make arrangements for him to receive an education despite his condition. It was reasonable to assume they would have tried other things. And they had … one agonizing failure of a treatment after another.

“You’re right,” Remus admitted. “I wouldn’t have believed it.” He still had a hard time believing it, but… the results were undeniable. “How does it work, exactly? Are the effects permanent, or do I need to keep taking it before each full moon? Or do you know yet?” After all, this was unheard of. For all Remus knew, this was too early in the testing process for Snape to give him definite answers.

“You’ll have to take it every full moon. I’m not going into how it works, you wouldn’t understand.” He said. “And I won’t be able to make it for you every month. But I’ll do it as often as I can during the school year. The ingredients are extremely expensive, and would go noticed by the Ministry if I continued using the schools supply.” 

Admittedly, he probably wouldn’t have understood the Potions theory behind it. That had never been Remus’s strong suit. He couldn’t quite conceal the look of bitter disappointment on his face when Snape said he wouldn’t be able to make it every month. He’d been so hopeful that … but it didn’t matter. He was still far better off than he’d been before. He’d lived this way most of his life. He could continue to deal with it again every few months or so. “If it’s not possible to make it every month, I understand,” he said quietly. “But … would it still be impossible, even if I offered to try to help out with the cost of some of the ingredients or… or something?” He tried not to get his hopes up about that. If the ingredients were that expensive, it might not be possible. But he desperately hated the idea of things going back to the way they were before.

“And how exactly are you planning on doing that?” Snape asked. “You have no money, and I doubt your parents have any money left either.” He said crossing his arms over his chest. He remembered overhearing a conversation about how his parents had basically gone bankrupt from their attempts at curing their son, and even into Remus’ adulthood were struggling financially. It wasn’t until after Remus’ mother had passed away that Lyall had come into some money had managed to get back onto his feet. 

“I … I don’t know.” Remus’s face reddened slightly, and he glanced away, embarrassed. Things had been extremely tight at the Lupin household for years. He always felt guilty every time he overheard his parents discussing how they were going to pay the bills, or scrape together enough for this year’s Hogwarts supplies… They had never once blamed him for it, but he knew it was because of him. “You’re right,” he sighed. “I’m sorry, I’m being unrealistic…” He looked up at Snape again. “How were you able to come up with this? No one’s ever successfully managed to get that effect.” And some of the best minds in wizarding history had tried. It was astonishing that Snape had accomplished at sixteen what no other wizard had… Once again, Remus was struck with a firm impression that there was more to Snape than he understood.

“Look Lupin … I’m more than willing to help you … but If you’re going to continue to interrogate me on the matter I will cease to waste my time making it at all.” He said, not wanting to inform Lupin exactly how he’d managed to make the potion. Avoiding the question with a threat was far more believable for him than fumbling through an excuse. 

Remus’s eyes widened. “I won’t,” he said hurriedly. “I’m sorry if I upset you; you don’t have to answer anything you don’t want to.” It wasn’t as if Snape owed Remus anything … quite the opposite, really. “It’s just … There is one more thing I need to ask you,” he said. “And if you don’t want to answer I’ll drop it, but …Why are you helping me? Why go to all the effort? I’ve never helped you, so … why?”

Severus stood up pulling his wand from his sleeve and pointed it at Lupin. “I have my reasons.” He said hoping Lupin would get the hint and leave. 

Remus held up his hands. “I said you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.” He stood up, accepting that the question and answer session was over. He looked Snape steadily in the eyes and said: “Just … If you ever need anything from me, or there’s anything I can help with in return … Just let me know. And … thank you.” There was no way he could convey how firmly he meant that, or the depth of his gratitude for this. And Snape would probably just be annoyed if he tried. So Remus turned to walk away to leave Snape alone.

Remus made his way back up to the Gryffindor Common Room, his mind still swarming with questions. Snape had acted so strangely, had been so averse to talking about his motives, that it left Remus with more questions than he’d started with. Not that he was ungrateful; he deeply appreciated what Snape had done, even if he didn’t understand why. Already, the potion had made a difference. Though he was still in some pain from the transformation, he was uninjured, and not nearly as exhausted as he normally was. Just the ability to sleep through last night’s transformation had a huge impact. As soon as he was through the portrait hole, Remus planned to try to find James.

Remus didn’t have to look far as James came down the stairs, intending to find Remus. He had meant to meet him at the hospital wing, and was surprised to find him walking into the common room, completely unscathed, save for a rather nasty bruise on his nose. 

“Morning, James,” Remus said by way of greeting. “I need to talk to you about a few things, if you’ve got a moment.” That had to be the understatement of the year, but the Common Room was never empty this time on a Saturday, and he couldn’t be sure who was in hearing distance. Best to keep his tone casual for now. 

“Yeah sure … Sirius is in detention with Filch and Peter had plans with someone …” He said, his own paranoia making him wonder if that someone was a death eater, or supporter. He doubted it … but he couldn’t help wondering. “Lets go talk in the room.” He said. He could tell Remus was being serious here, something was clearly wrong. 

Remus nodded, and followed James through the portrait hole. He was quiet as they passed through the Common Room and made their way up the stairs to their room. He had so much to say, so much to ask, that he knew that once he started talking, he wouldn’t be able to stop.

James closed the bedroom door, making sure they were alone. “What’s up?” James said plopping down on his bed. 

“Well, to start with,” Remus said, taking a shaky breath. “Snape invented a potion that… that allows me to stay in control after I transform.” It was the first time he’d said what had happened out loud in so many words. Somehow, it was still sinking in, just now starting to feel real. “And it works. It… actually works.”

James’ eyebrow raised. “Control?” He asked. “What do you mean by control?” He knew Snape knew some pretty advanced stuff but … allowing a werewolf to keep control? And if he could do that why not start it last year when he arrived? Why now? 

“I mean … I mean that all of the violent werewolf instincts, everything that makes me dangerous on the full moon just… isn’t there. I still change forms, and it still hurts like hell, but … James, last night, Snape showed up at the Shrieking Shack right before I turned. He was standing as close to me as you are right now, and I didn’t attack him. I know it sounds too good to be true, but … that’s what happened.”

“Well … he is a potions prodigy.” He said sounding rather surprised that this was possible. “So, if you had full control, why do you have a bruise on your nose?” 

“Oh. Um …” Remus’s face reddened slightly. “Snape might have swatted me on the nose. It was warranted, though.”

James shook his head. “So, is it permanent? How did he do it?” No doubt it was future Snape knowledge that did it. Snape had mentioned that he had been a potions master in the past, or future depending on how you wanted to look at it, and with how much knowledge he’d shown he had he had no doubt that he would have either experimented, or he had the ability to make it in the very least.

“It’s… not permanent,” Remus said. “I’d have to take it before each full moon for the effects to continue, and… the ingredients are apparently hard to come by, so… he won’t be able to make it every month, but… he says he’s going to make it as often during the school year as he can. So… so that’s a start. He didn’t say how he made it, though. Evidently, I wouldn’t understand.”

“Why are the ingredients hard to come by? Are they rare? Hard to find?” James asked, wondering if there was anything he could do to help Snape get the ingredients. 

“Expensive,” Remus said, a little uncomfortably. Talking about money with James was always weird. “There’s only so much he can take from the Hogwarts supply without drawing suspicions from higher up, and I don’t want him to get in trouble for helping me, so…” Remus shrugged, and sat down on his bed. “It’s still a much better situation than before.” Being able to take the potion even occasionally made him more fortunate than any other werewolf had ever been, so he could hardly complain.

“I’ll pay for it.” James said without hesitation. “Whatever he needs, if he can make that potion.” 

Remus shook his head. “No, James… You don’t have to do that. It’s… it’s really okay.” He felt awkward having this conversation. And the thought of James having to spend money on him like that on a regular basis just made him feel guilty. His condition had already bankrupted his family. His friends shouldn’t have to spend money on him too. Maybe he shouldn’t have mentioned that it was a matter of money; it was just like James to do this.

“Don’t worry about it Moony,” He said waving him off. “I’ll talk to Snape later about it, so long as he’s willing to make it every month.” 

“Are you sure?” Remus asked. He still felt bad about it, but … if he really never had to worry about hurting anyone ever again, if he really could stay in control every month… Now that he knew the possibility existed, he wanted that more than he’d ever wanted anything in his life.

“Yeah, it’s not a problem. I’ll hash it out with Snape later.” He said. “If he has something that will make that night easier, you need it.” 

“Thank you,” Remus said, sincerely. With Snape, it had been impossible to explain what this meant to him. With James, he didn’t have to. He’d been there with him when it happened for years now, had seen over and over again what Remus became, and how much he hated it. Remus’s eyes were slightly watery now for some reason, and he glanced away, for a moment, blinking. “On the subject of Snape, though,” he said, regaining composure. “I’ve had a lot of questions about him lately, and since you spend the most time one-on-one training with him, I was wondering if you could shed some light on things?”

James looked up at Remus curiously, though he knew this conversation would come eventually. Remus was a smart kid, there was no way it would go unnoticed forever. Perhaps for the other members it would, they didn’t know Snape but Remus knew Snape well enough to know that the majority of what Snape was teaching them wasn’t something Snape would have known just months ago. “What do you mean?” 

“I think you know exactly what I mean,” Remus sighed. “Suddenly coming up with this miracle potion, when centuries of wizards have failed at it before? Wandless, wordless magic? Highly unconventional use of chakra? Not just unconventional, but extremely skilled. Advanced defense against the dark arts techniques? Where was all that a few months ago? You remember how angry he used to get when you and Sirius would bully him…” Remus stopped, wondering if maybe he should have phrased it differently. But then, bullying was exactly what it was. And James had become aware enough lately to know that. So he pressed on. “If he’d had those skills back then, you and I both know those encounters would have ended very differently. And then there’s the way he acts… He’s still not the most approachable person, but… there’s a huge difference between the way he deals with people now and the way he did… well, before all of this.” He looked at James evenly. “And you’ve been just taking it all in stride. There’s no way you haven’t noticed, so… I can only conclude that you know something that I don’t.”

“Well Snape’s always been a know-it-all.” James said. “He came into first year knowing more hexes and curses than most seventh years. Maybe he’s just learned to control his temper?” He said trying to brush it off. He’d always been a bad liar. “I’ve been taking it in stride because I know Snape’s on our side now … He … Look, I changed my attitude about him because of something he told me … something he showed me … and it made me feel like a complete monster. It’s why I stopped bullying him, and why I allowed him to join our group … I shouldn’t be telling you this but … The bullying had to stop because Hogwarts isn’t the only place he’s being bullied. Don’t tell Snape I told you this, I doubt he even wanted to tell me but … he has more scars than you do. From his father. Things we teased him about, weren’t his fault.” 

Remus knew James was trying to change the subject, but… what he said made Remus pause, in spite of himself. “I… didn’t know that,” he said quietly. He’d always felt bad about the way they’d treated Snape, but… if that were true, his life must have been a complete hell. Being that completely isolated with no one to turn to… it was one of the worst things Remus could imagine. He shook his head. “But… that doesn’t explain everything I’m talking about, and you know it. You say you ‘let’ him join our group, but he was the one leading that insane training session over the summer. I don’t doubt that he’s on our side, but… he’s doing a lot more than just being allowed to assist the group.” Remus sighed. “James, if there’s a reason why you can’t tell me, just say so. But don’t keep throwing half-formed explanations at me and expect me to buy it.”

James was about to make an excuse that Dumbledore had set up the training sessions, that it was all Dumbledore’s idea. But he stopped before anything even came out of his mouth. “God, I hate keeping things from you Moony, you know that but …” He sighed. It wasn’t his secret to tell. He’d been sworn to secrecy. But at the same time, it was Moony. 

“Look, I can’t tell you everything. I don’t even know everything, it’s mostly between Dumbledore and Snape but … I wasn’t the one to come up with the idea of the group, it was Snape who came up with the idea and had told Dumbledore that I would be the one to lead it with his assistance. Snape … isn’t exactly who he says he is … He’s not actually sixteen. No one knows how it happened, not even Snape, but … he lived all this already. He lived through Voldemort’s defeat, his rise back to power, he lived through an entire war, and died at the age of … I think he said thirty eight … and woke up in the hospital wing in our time period after the shrieking shack incident.” 

Remus stared. The whole thing sounded insane. But… it would explain everything. And it also explained why James had been keeping it from him. But that just raised even more questions. “So… wait, if you’re saying that we’ve basically been interacting with… a future version of Snape in the current Snape’s body, then… what happened to the original Snape? The one we know, I mean. Obviously it’s still his sixteen-year-old body, but… where did his sixteen-year-old mind go?” Maybe it wasn’t the most relevant question he could have asked, but not knowing was incredibly disturbing to him for some reason.

James looked up at Remus a little shocked and confused. “Actually … I hadn’t even thought about that … I don’t think Snape did either … That’s a really good question. Does that mean that the Snape we knew is technically dead? Is the soul that took over, the one from the future, different than the one he had before? Did they maybe just combine? I mean he still occasionally acts like a teenager … but as if he’d learned from his future’s mistakes and knowledge. Do you think maybe they were just combined? Or maybe this still is the sixteen year old Snape, but all the knowledge of his previous time period was given to him? Like an advanced form of Divination?” Not on purpose, nor probably not done by Snape himself, Snape was horrid at Divination, but … if that were the case something had to have caused it. James felt uneasy about this. “As much as I hated Snivy, I don’t like the idea of his mind being replaced … even if it is by himself at an older age.”

Remus shuddered. “No,” he agreed. “I don’t like the idea either.” It perturbed him even more, given the timing of when Future Snape had awakened. What if Snape’s past consciousness really never had come back from the Shrieking Shack? And this new Snape, the Snape who had found enough closure on the matter to brew this miracle potion, didn’t even know it? What if the old Snape’s last moments had been... 

“Maybe they did combine,” he said, steering away from the more disturbing possibilities. “It would explain why he still acts like a teenager sometimes. Or the knowledge transfer theory… I can’t even begin to work out how that would happen, but it makes more sense than a soul just spontaneously traveling back in time.” Either way, he didn’t think there was any recorded precedent for what was happening. Whatever they were dealing with, it belonged more to the realm of extremely hypothetical magical theory than to any practical form of magic that he’d ever heard of. There wasn’t a textbook out there on how this worked. He wondered if that frightened Snape. It certainly would have scared the hell out of Remus.

“So,” Remus shook his head, trying to wrap his mind around all of this and what it meant for the resistance. “Snape knows things about the future… How much of that is set in stone? Is it even possible to change the events he knows, or are we in some kind of alternate timeline?” The whole thing was sounding more and more like something out of a Muggle science fiction novel.

“I don’t know.” James said. “A lot of it is already changing from what I can tell, so I would assume the more that’s changed the less he’ll know. The major information regarding you-know-who I doubt will change much, since Snape has no direct contact with him, and I doubt he had in his original timeline … but it’s changing things on our end, and hopefully for the better.” 

Remus nodded. “That makes sense,” he said thoughtfully. Whatever this meant for the previous timeline, this one apparently could change. Otherwise, why bother? He looked up at James, then said half-jokingly. “So, if he made you the leader, does that mean that you’re less of an ass in the future?” As much as the possible implications of this bothered him, he needed to lighten the mood. 

James cleared his throat nervously and rubbed his hands together. “I uh … I don’t know.” He said quietly. He sat there a moment rubbing his sweaty palms together nervously. “I uh …” He didn’t want to burden Remus with the information but at the same time … He had to talk to someone about it. “I apparently died … in his time line. When I was twenty one.” He said not looking at Remus, his bangs hanging over his eyes not wanting to see Remus’ reaction. 

All traces of humor disappeared from Remus’s face. For a long moment, he could only stare in stunned silence, as if the visual confirmation that James was right there would somehow negate what he had just heard. The idea of losing James terrified him, but focusing on that wouldn’t help. He needed to think of the right thing to say, but… what could he possibly say that would actually be helpful right now?

“Do… do you know how it happens?” Remus asked quietly. If the future Snape knew was subject to change, then maybe they could do something to prevent it.

James nodded. “Yeah.” He said but didn’t elaborate. Remus didn’t need the gory details. “Sirius died as well, but a long time after I did … Peter …” James paused. He didn’t want to tell Remus about Peter … this was already a lot to take in. Even James had been overwhelmed when confronted with it all at the same time. But … Remus had a right to know. 

Remus looked at James apprehensively. He was afraid to hear what James had to say. Peter was so timid, that Remus worried what would happen to him without the rest of them to stand up for him. But James shouldn’t have to deal with this alone. “What happened to Peter?” he asked quietly.

James opened his mouth to speak but no words came out. He heaved a sigh and looked away from Remus. “You don’t want to know.” 

“James,” Remus said, deep concern on his face. “You know you can tell me anything.”

James shook his head. “I … it’s ….” He shook his head again. He didn’t know how to tell Remus. “Peter … he became a Death Eater. Sometime shortly after we graduated. I didn’t want to believe it but Dumbledore showed me the proof. And what’s worse, nothing we change in this timeline can stop it. With what he’s capable of … we can’t put enough trust in him to change the path he was led onto, we don’t even know when it started. If we trust him and try to pull him away from that … He might just use it against us. I put that trust in him in Snape’s previous time and … it resulted in the death of me and my wife, almost my son …. Sirius spent twelve years in prison before he died two years later …” He shook his head in disbelief. He still had a hard time believing it. “Because of Peter, you spent thirteen years alone … He single-handedly destroyed the Marauders.” 

Remus felt sick. “But…” he shook his head. “James, that’s not… He wouldn’t…” How could Peter be capable of something like that? After everything they’d done together, all the memories they’d all shared, the secrets they’d kept, it just didn’t make sense. He looked at James with wide eyes. “Couldn’t there have been some mistake? I mean… Peter looks up to you, he always has. Are you sure it was really him?”

"There's no mistake ... It's him. I saw him with my own eyes through an unaltered memory." James said. "He told You know who where me and my wife were when we were in hiding ... He framed Sirius and staged his own death. He killed a 17 year old boy, Diggorys son ... Followed you know who like a snivelling coward." 

Cold realization began to sink in. “That’s why you’ve been weird around him lately, isn’t it?” Remus said, his voice shaking slightly. He glanced over at Peter’s empty bed. It still didn’t make sense. They’d all shared this room since first year. They knew Peter, and he wasn’t capable of betraying James. Sure, he was more of a follower than a leader, but Remus would have always characterized him as loyal to a fault. And yet, he couldn’t help wondering… Who had Peter gone to hang out with again? What if, now that James was pushing him away, Peter had decided to go somewhere he didn’t feel excluded, where he could be in on new secrets and be part of a team again? Was it really that farfetched?

“You don’t think…” Remus whispered. Which was ridiculous; Peter wasn’t around to hear them. “You don’t think it’s starting already, do you?”

"Perhaps ... Perhaps not. I don't know. Snape didn't know when Pettigrew had joined in his time line ... Not until years later. Had he known he would have warned Dumbledore." He said finally looking back up at Remus. "But it has to have been sometime between now and when we turn twenty one. For all we know ... He might already be." 

“But this time, we know,” Remus said desperately. “Even if he’s already started down that path, he can’t have gotten too far yet. There has to be a way we can pull him back. I know that we can’t trust him, but… Peter isn’t going to just wake up one morning and decide to be a Death Eater. There has to be a reason, some kind of turning point, and if we can just figure out what that is, we can do something before it’s too late.”

"It's fear Remus ... Fear lead him to it ... That's not something we can change Remus. If we can defeat you know who ... We can maybe save Peter ..." James said. It was absolutely impossible to get someone to not fear something, to stand up to something they were terrified of. Peter was as terrified of Voldemort as one could be.

“I can’t accept that!” Remus protested. “Of course he’s afraid! We’re all afraid! But there are different ways to respond to fear! Just being afraid isn’t a good enough reason to go sign up with the enemy and betray everyone you’ve ever cared about! There has to be a way to show him that… there has to be a better solution than just giving up on him.” Remus couldn’t just let the only group of friends who had completely accepted him fall apart like this. He knew he’d be completely lost without them.

"And what exactly would you have us do Remus? You know Peter better than any of us ... We've all commented on how he doesn't belong in Gryffindor, he never has. He's too meek and fearful ... Always been the one to hide in the background and follow whoever is in power ..." God he sounded like Snape. "He flocked to us because we're the most popular in school. I don't even think he likes us for who we are ... If we weren't as popular as we are I doubt he'd stick around." James said sounding rather upset. 

“I… I don’t think that’s true,” Remus said, keeping his voice low, not really trusting it. Already, his eyes were threatening to tear up. “Not belonging in Gryffindor isn’t a crime, James. Just because he’s not as bold as the rest of us doesn’t mean he’s incapable of caring. Maybe he stopped at some point in Snape’s timeline, but that doesn’t mean that he never…” Remus looked away, absently picking at the sleeve of his sweater where the hem was starting to unravel again. “Do you think… maybe all this talk about how he’s different, how he’s not as brave or popular as the rest of us…” Or as smart, Remus couldn’t help accusing himself. Maybe he’d never held the rest against Peter, but he could recall more than one occasion when he’d lost patience with Wormtail for just not getting something. That had hardly been fair to him. “Do you think maybe we’ve made him feel like he’s not really one of us? Could that… maybe be a part of it?”

"I doubt it. Remus you didn't see what I saw ... If you did ..." James paused. "I don't know what to do as far as Peter is concerned. He killed me and my wife, had every intention of killing my infant son ... Not directly but he knew what would happen when he sold us out ... He's the reason I died and my wife died, and my son ended up an orphan, and Sirius spent 12 years in Azkaban and you were alone for 13 years ... Doesn't that frighten you? He did all that single handed ... Doesn't that frighten you that he could still do it no matter what we did? If we gave him anything ... It might make it worse instead of better?" 

“Of course it frightens me,” Remus said quietly. “I can’t think of anything more terrifying. And obviously we can never really trust him again the way we used to, even if we do think we’ve successfully saved him.” 

Remus understood the necessity for that; they couldn’t take that kind of risk, knowing that Wormtail had it in him to intentionally condemn James to death. Though that in itself posed a problem. If, as Remus suspected, Peter felt excluded, how could they possibly change that now? There was no way to fully include Peter if they couldn’t trust him… thus the current predicament with Sirius. 

“I don’t know what to do either. Maybe you’re right, and the only way to redeem him is to defeat Voldemort before it gets too far. But I can’t give up on him completely without even trying.” He looked up at James again. “Even if Peter does turn out to be a lost cause, we both know about him now. We won’t make the same mistake in this timeline. You’re going to be okay.”

"So what do you propose we do?" James said. "It's not like we can up and tell him we’re resisting .... He knew that in Snape time line and look what he did .... I think keeping it from him would be best." 

“I agree,” Remus sighed. “Telling him about that is out of the question. And any new secrets that could affect anyone’s safety should be off limits as well.” There were far too many things that Peter already knew, but that couldn’t be helped at this point. “I just thought maybe I could… I don’t know, spend some time with him or something, try to remind him who his real friends are.” Saying it out loud, it sounded stupid, given the gravity of the situation. But it was all he could think of. “Whether it works or not, we should try to keep a close eye on him, do a better job of keeping track of what he’s up to. I mean, does either of us even know where he is right now? For all we know, he could be running around with Death Eater wannabes or just lost on the stairs again. I know you want nothing to do with him right now, but if he’s that big a threat, we need keep better tabs on his activities.”

“Yeah. I agree at least watch him. Or perhaps do something to keep him busy. Keep him involved with something.” James said. “If we can keep him away from them for now, perhaps it could buy us some time. Or even pull him away from that path entirely.” 

“We may need some help with that,” Remus frowned. “We can’t keep him constantly occupied just the two of us, when we have resistance training sessions to go to.” That, and Remus was fairly certain that spending too much time with Peter, knowing what he knew, would be difficult for James. But he was determined to make this work. It had to. There was too much at stake.

((A/N – Sorry for the late update, but there we go. Another chapter up, and more to come! Don’t worry we haven’t forgotten this! As always please leave a review.))


	45. An Excuse is Not An Apology

Chapter 45

Severus leant against the waist-high cupboard, his arms crossed over his chest. “I think, Mr. Black.” Albus said as he sat back in his chair. “That in this scenario, expulsion would be the best option.” He said shaking his head. “It is a grave situation indeed, and I must express my disappointment, both at your behaviour, your choices, and your expulsion from this school.” He said pulling a form out from his desk drawer. He placed it on the hard wooden surface and pushed it towards him. “I’ll have to ask you sign this form, in understanding of your removal from this school.” He said handing Sirius a quill. 

Sirius felt physically numb, and dropped the quill almost immediately after it was pressed into his shaking hand. He found himself staring down at the paper in front of him. This was it, then. He wondered if he’d be able to keep them from taking his wand. Probably not; in the event that Albus forgot, Snivellus would be sure to remind him. At the thought of that, he felt more likely to throw up on this paper than to successfully sign it. Which was saying something, since he hadn’t managed to eat anything this morning. In hindsight, he probably should have made more of an effort, since he had no idea now where his next meal was coming from.

It took a while before Sirius was able to speak at all. When he did, his voice came out in little more than a whisper. He really, really, really didn’t want Snape to hear this, but Dumbledore wasn’t going to give him another chance. “Headmaster, I… I have nowhere else to go.”

Albus picked up the quill he’d dropped. “Professor McGonagall will be escorting you back to your parents’ home. They agreed to take you back in until you are seventeen.” He said handing him the quill again. “You will not be out on the street.”

Sirius flinched at the mention of his parents. “They’re lying,” he whispered. “They made it clear I’m not welcome back there.” But he took the quill anyway. There was no chance that Dumbledore would believe him over his parents. No doubt his mother was counting on that. Unless, of course, they actually were letting him come back … which could be far worse. He didn’t even want to think about what his mother might be planning. Whatever was waiting for him, there was no way out. James and Remus still weren’t talking to him, and once he was cut off from Hogwarts, he doubted anyone would particularly care what happened to him anymore.

Ludicrously, he wondered what would happen if he just refused to sign the paper. If he claimed not to understand indefinitely, and could they please explain what ‘expelled’ meant another 5,000 times? Somehow, he didn’t think that was a strong enough loophole to work with, and no one here would think it was terribly funny. If anything, Snivellus might get even more satisfaction out of such a pathetically desperate attempt to delay the inevitable. The best Sirius could hope for was to get through this without breaking down in front of Snape. He moved the quill over to the paper, but his hand was shaking so badly that the quill left a massive ink blot on the page. He tried to steady himself, to get it together and get this over with. But he could practically feel Snape’s eyes on him, and that wasn’t helping.

“We’re waiting, Mr. Black.” Snape said impatiently, his arms still crossed over his chest. The boy made it seem like he was signing his own death sentence. You’d think he’d be happy to get out of school, it wasn’t as if it had helped him any. 

Sirius turned to glare at him. “Oh, don’t pretend you’re not enjoying every minute of this,” he said bitterly. Quickly, before he could think about it anymore, he scratched his signature onto the paper in an angry, unintelligible scrawl, then put the quill back down on the desk and crossed his arms, hands still shaking.

Albus took the parchment and rolled it up. “Professor McGonagall shall be along shortly. In the meantime, would you like a lemon drop?” Albus asked, pushing the container towards him. 

Sirius stared at Professor Dumbledore blankly. He had just signed his future away, he’d lost all his friends, he would end up on the street either now or a year from now, he had little to no hope of finding a job in the wizarding world with no education and an expulsion on his record, and he didn’t know the first thing about job-hunting in the Muggle world, but was fairly certain that he lacked whatever Muggle skills were required … And Professor Dumbledore wanted to know if he would like a lemon drop?

“No,” he said irritably. “No, thank you, I would not like a lemon drop.”

Dumbledore pocketed the parchment and stood from his desk. “I find that when I am in most dire need of assistance, I often look back to what I had forgotten to aid me in my plight.” He said to Sirius before walking to the door behind his desk and into his room. 

“What,” Sirius muttered to no one in particular, as soon as Dumbledore had left the room. “Am I supposed to do with your cryptic advice at this point? I have no future, remember?” Remembering that Snape was still in the room, Sirius resisted the urge to bury his face in his hands, and instead crossed his arms tighter, glaring down at the desk. “I suppose you’re happy now?” he said to Snape without looking at him.

“Thrilled.” Snape said sarcastically. “At least this you can come back from … there are other schools I’m sure you could attend. Durmstrang for example. There’s plenty of schools in America, or Canada … If you hate your family so much … move.” He said glaring at him. “You don’t have permanent repercussions from this … You’ll live … you’ll move on. I’m sure you’ll finish your education somewhere, get a good job, meet a nice girl, have 2.5 kids and move on with your life.” He said angrily, though he did not raise his voice. “You took that from me … Be glad I didn’t demand the same.” 

Sirius had been about to make a sarcastic comment about infinite funds to move across the bloody globe on a whim, or just how fantastically thrilled most schools were to accept international students with expulsions on their records … and then he realised where Snape was going with this. Somehow, he’d never really thought about Snivellus having hopes and dreams to shatter. Other than being a Death Eater and skulking about creepily collecting Dark Arts objects, or … whatever the hell Snape did in his spare time. Building a normal life and a family … was not something Sirius would have pictured as Snape’s ideal future. For the first time, he wondered what it had been like for Snape to find out. Had it been anything like having that paper pushed in front of him? Worse?

“I told you,” he started defensively. “I didn’t know that it would…” He looked up at Snape, and stopped. What the hell did it matter to Snape what Sirius had or hadn’t known? Even seeing Sirius expelled, after years of mutual hatred, wasn’t enough to satisfy him. The damage was already done. Snape still had to live with it. Sirius sighed. “I… went too far, I’ll admit that.”

Snape scoffed and pushed himself away from the cupboard. “We already got a confession out of you … I don’t need another one.” He said coming closer to Sirius. “And if that’s all I’ll be receiving from you … you’re both pathetic … and a coward.” He said walking away from him and towards the door, the snarl never leaving his face. 

“Wait,” Sirius said, standing up as Snape headed for the door. Maybe it wouldn’t make any difference, but those couldn’t be the last words between them. He couldn’t let everything James had said that night in the Common Room be true. And he sure as hell couldn’t let Snape be right about him now. “I’m sorry.”

Snape froze by the doorway. “You’re sorry?” Snape said surprised that he even said it at all. “After all you’ve done to me, a simple “I’m sorry” is what you come up with?” He asked. “That doesn’t fix the problem Black … And you know it as well as I. You don’t mean it in the least, so don’t waste your breath.” 

“Don’t tell me what I do and don’t mean,” Sirius said angrily. It was difficult enough for him to apologise in the first place, especially to Snape. “Why the hell else would I bother saying it? It’s not like it would do me any good at this point anyway.”

Severus looked at Sirius, still angry but there was a bigger picture here. He wanted to see Sirius seriously expelled but … There was always a bigger picture. “What if I told you I could … pull some strings … allow you to remain in school?” 

Sirius stared at Snape in disbelief. “Why would you do something like that?” he asked suspiciously. “We both know you want to see me kicked out of here.” Maybe Snape didn’t think expulsion was enough, but surely he’d take what retribution he could get.

“Oh … I’m sure there’s something you can do for me in exchange.” Severus said with a smirk. He had to make this believable. And the Snape Sirius knows … always wanted something in return. “What would you do for me, Black?” 

Sirius’s expression hardened. Of course, there had to be a catch. No doubt Snape already had something in mind, possibly something just as bad as expulsion. “What do you want?”

“I want a great many things, Black. None of which I’m sure you could give me ….” He said crossing his arms again. “How about I pull a few strings …. and we can say you owe me one?” 

“You won’t even tell me what you plan to ask of me?” Sirius asked. “You’ll understand if I find that a little suspicious.” He knew he’d end up agreeing to Snape’s terms in the end anyway. It was either that or lose everything. But if Snape still thought Sirius had the option of going off to Durmstrang or wherever else, he’d let him think that. He might at least manage to get more information from Snape about what he was getting into. 

“Do you really have a better option, Black?” Snape asked, less angry this time and more curious. Was he really going to turn him down? 

Sirius stared back at Snape, considering whether it would be possible to continue this bluff. Whatever Snape had in mind, it had to be something bad enough to get back at Sirius for what he’d done, and that worried him. But … he really didn’t have any other options. And Snape had probably figured that out by now. Otherwise, Sirius wouldn’t have stuck around for this conversation in the first place, and they both knew it. And McGonagall could be here any moment to take him away. He didn’t have time to play games about this. 

“Fine,” Sirius said quietly, certain he was going to regret this later. “I’ll owe you one.” 

Severus smirked. 

“Good, perhaps we should start now.” He said moving into the middle of the room. “I want you to kneel and beg for me to accept your apology. Make me believe you mean it.” He said with an infuriating smirk on his face. 

Sirius glowered back at Snape, absolute hatred on his face. “How do I even know you’ll keep your word? You’ll probably just let me get expelled anyway.”

“You don’t know if I’ll keep my word.” Snape said simply. “But it’s the only word you’ve got.”

He was right, of course. As much as he hated it, Sirius’s fate had ended up directly in Snape’s hands. “Goddammit,” Sirius muttered under his breath. Then, despising both Snape and himself, he went down to his knees, glancing around in case anyone else wandered into the room and saw this. “Please,” he said quietly, his face burning with embarrassment. “I’m sorry for what I’ve done to you. Can you please forgive me?” He found himself wanting to just sink into the floor and disappear.

Severus was surprised that Sirius had even done it, but he didn’t allow it to show on his face. “No.” He said simply, walking around him and towards the door Albus had gone into. 

“Wait!” Sirius called after him, more panic in his voice than he’d intended. “Are you going to keep your word?” 

Severus didn’t answer him as he knocked on Albus’ door. Within a second Albus opened the door and stepped out. Severus shook his head as Albus came out, having clearly listened in on the conversation. 

“I take it my advice was well used.” Albus said, looking down at Sirius who was still on the floor. 

Sirius stared up at Dumbledore in confusion again. That was what Dumbledore had meant? How the hell had he expected Sirius to translate his cryptic and mysterious nonsense into ‘Just apologise to Snape’? If that was what he’d meant, why couldn’t he have just said it and saved him the anxiety? Sirius voiced none of these thoughts aloud, however.

“Um… yes, I suppose you could say that,” Sirius said uncertainly. He quickly stood up and dusted himself off, even more embarrassed that the Headmaster had just walked in on him literally on his knees begging Snape’s forgiveness. At least Dumbledore didn’t seem likely to gossip about it. 

“Alright … well, with that said I’ll have the papers filed down to the Ministry, and Minerva will come and collect you. Your things are already waiting for you by the entry way.” He said pulling out the parchment again. 

Sirius’s eyes widened slightly, and he glanced apprehensively over at Snape, suddenly very much doubting that he would actually keep his word, or that he’d ever been capable of ‘pulling strings’ to keep him from getting expelled in the first place. He’d probably just gone through that humiliation for nothing.

“Actually … Headmaster … I think I have a better idea for his punishment.” Snape said with a wicked smirk. “Perhaps it would be a better idea to … keep Black in school. After all, students hate school work so much, and giving him a holiday is hardly punishment.” He said going back to the cupboard to lean against it again. 

Sirius didn’t give himself permission to feel relieved just yet; he hadn’t heard Dumbledore’s answer yet, and he really didn’t trust that smirk. Snivellus had something else up his sleeve, Sirius was certain of it. But it was the only chance he had. He kept his mouth shut for now, watching to see how this would play out.

Albus frowned pensively. “That hardly seems like a solution, Severus,” he said. “Given the serious repercussions of Mr. Black’s actions, you’re surely not suggesting that we do nothing?”

“Oh no … I’m not suggesting we do nothing, no no. Quite the contrary. I hear Mr. Black is in desperate need of some …. remedial lessons.” He said, that wicked smirk never leaving his face as he looked at Black. “Perhaps … I … could oversee them?” 

Sirius glared back at Snape, finally understanding. It all made sense; this was just Snape’s way of taking a far more personalised and drawn out form of revenge. And it was still Sirius’s only option.

“It seems like a good idea, in theory, I suppose,” said Albus. “But are you certain you would be willing to commit the extra time out of your schedule to oversee these lessons? Moreover, what is to ensure that Mr. Black takes these lessons seriously?”

“If he wishes to remain in school, he’ll attend every one. No excuses.” He said looking at Black. “Illness or Injury you must be there … if you do not attend … or miss even one without the permission of myself or Dumbledore, you will be placed under expulsion from breaking the terms of your punishment.” He said looking to Albus. “Does this sound fair?” 

Dumbledore nodded. “Yes, that certainly sounds reasonable to me.” He looked down at Sirius over the rims of his spectacles. “Mr. Black, do you accept Professor Snape’s terms as an alternative to expulsion?”

“For how long?” Sirius asked. 

“For the remainder of your time in school.” Severus said, as had been previously discussed with Dumbledore. “Until you graduate, your only break being the summer, or holidays if you go home.” 

Sirius glanced from Dumbledore to Snape. No doubt Snape planned to take every opportunity to make his life hell from now on … but what other choice did he have? Sirius was trapped. “Yes, Headmaster,” he said reluctantly. “I agree to the terms.”

“Splendid,” Albus said as he pulled out another parchment, one that had already been filled out with the terms and conditions Snape had just mentioned. “If you could sign this then …” He said pulling out his expulsion papers and using a wandless fire charm to set it ablaze. 

Sirius stared at the new set of papers for a moment, then shot a brief glare back at Snape. Unbelievable. Snape had planned this all along … and Dumbledore had apparently been in on it. They’d played out the whole thing like an elaborate game. Still, he couldn’t help feeling some sense of relief as the expulsion papers went up in flames. He wondered, though... if things had gone differently, would they have expelled him anyway? After all, the Headmaster did have both rolls of parchment. He picked up the quill again and signed the new set of terms and conditions. At least he wasn’t expelled, he reminded himself. Things could definitely have been worse.

Severus took the parchment Albus had handed him. "Very good ... Your first remedial lesson will be on Saturday. You will meet me by the forbidden forest near Hagrid’s hut at 6:30 AM ... And you will meet me there every Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday." Snape said tucking the contract away in the folds of his robe. 

"Oh and Mr. Black." Albus said. "As much as it pains me to do so ... You've been removed from the Gryffindor Quidditch team. Starting immediately." 

Sirius gaped. “But…” he protested. “What I did was extremely wrong, but … is that really fair to the rest of the team? Where are they going to find another decent Beater this late in the season?” In a way, this struck a worse blow to him than having to spend quality time in the Forbidden Forest with Snape. Sirius had never really had James’s level of natural talent, so this was one of the few things in his life he’d actually really worked hard for.

"They will simply have to manage. Perhaps you should have thought about that before taking such ... Dire actions." Albus said before waving his hand in dismissal. Severus stood from where he was leaning and didn't bother waiting for Black before he left the room.

Sirius sighed, knowing that the conversation was officially over. He’d already been shown as much leniency as he was going to get. He silently slouched out of the room after Snape, feeling a bizarre mixture of relief and utter dejection. At least he still got to stay at Hogwarts, and maybe he’d get a chance to win back Prongs’ and Moony’s trust. He was still better off than he could have been, since he’d have been off the team anyway if he’d been expelled. For that matter, after being kicked out, he’d probably have ended up having to sell his broomstick, which was too painful to contemplate. Unless, of course, his mother set fire to it. Last time he’d seen her, she’d been in the habit of setting fire to a lot of things. At least he didn’t have to face his family again.


	46. The Next Step of Many

Chapter 46

Horace sat in his classroom quietly humming a tune as he marked his sixth year students essays. They were surprisingly well done, one in particular. Miss Lily Evans had once again shone above all the rest. Which was surprising really, now that she no longer had Severus beside her. Really the boy had been a genius in his class, he'd always thought he'd been helping her. Perhaps he'd been wrong about her all this time.

He smiled. Another potions prodigy in his class. He thought as he placed the paper to the side with the others.

Lily tapped lightly at Professor Slughorn's classroom door, knowing that he was usually grading at about this time. It was after classes had ended for the day, however, so hopefully he wouldn't be in much of a rush, and would be willing to stop and chat.

Slughorn said "Come in" politely, wondering who could possibly be at his door at this time. His office didn't open for another hour for students to come for help. It was strange that anyone would arrive now.

Lily opened the door, stepped inside, and quietly closed it behind her, carefully balancing an artfully wrapped gift package in her hands as she did. "Hi, professor," she said brightly. "I hope I'm not bothering you?"

"Not at all! Not at all! Come in my dear." He said cheerfully. "I just finished marking your essay. I must say it's quite brilliant. I'm seeing bright things in your future young lady."

"Thank you, professor," Lily said, blushing slightly. "I worked really hard on this one." Potions had never come as naturally to Lily as it did to Severus, but she had come to appreciate what a fascinating subject it could be, and she could always figure it out if she worked at it hard enough. If anything, she enjoyed the challenge.

"What is it you'd like to talk about my dear?" He asked shifting the ink jar on his desk to a safer location and gestured for her to sit in the chair across from him.

"I brought you something," she said, placing the gift package on his desk. "To brighten things up here a bit." Though she understood the practicality of putting the Potions room in the dungeons, it had occurred to her that it must be rather dismal to work there all day. "Just whatever you do, make sure you keep this side up while opening it."

Slughorn looked down at the package. "A gift?" He asked looking at it. "My, goodness gracious, you shouldn't have Lily, what's the occasion?" He asked, though he was already pulling the paper off of the box.

"Just thought you could use a little appreciation," she said. "Potions isn't exactly an easy subject, and it really helps to have a good teacher." She felt guilty even as she spoke.

Granted, it wasn't out of character for her to do something like this out of appreciation. She understood that teaching wasn't the easiest of jobs, especially when she thought back on how new everything had been to her when she was a first-year, and realised that the Hogwarts faculty must deal with other Muggle-born first-years who were just as lost as she had been every year. But still, bringing Slughorn a gift when she wanted information out of him just felt so … manipulative. Worse, she kept thinking back to that edited memory, and how Riddle had done basically the same thing. She reminded herself that this was important, that Dumbledore needed this information to bring down Voldemort, that this was her chance to actually do something about one of the oppressive worries weighing down on her… But she still felt terrible about it. Maybe she should bring Slughorn another gift later, when she didn't want something from him.

Slughorn opened the box and saw a large fish bowl inside, but there was no movement inside. No fish. He pulled it out and placed it on his desk, careful not to spill any of the water. Floating on the top of the water was a single lily petal floating on top of the water. He watched it float down into the water until half way down he jumped in surprised as it transformed into a goldfish.

"Oh, it's lovely. Lovely Lily." He said admiring the fish. "We'll just keep it right here on my desk, shall we? Thank you so much my dear."

"I'm glad you like it," she said, beaming. Admittedly, she was rather proud of this project, and would have wanted his approval regardless. It was some of her best Charms work yet. "If you have a moment, Professor, I'd been hoping to ask for your advice on something," Lily said. "It's just, I've been looking into different career paths, and was considering maybe becoming a teacher someday." It wasn't entirely untrue; as much as she enjoyed learning and loved it here at Hogwarts, she'd frequently considered what it might be like to teach in the Wizarding world. Professor Slughorn didn't have to know that she'd lately leant more toward becoming a Mediwitch.

"Oh now, you still have a few years yet to decide. But I think you would do very well teaching … you have a very caring personality, and thirst for knowledge and sharing that knowledge. Severus on the other hand …" He said with a chuckle. "I'm sure he'll do fine." He said waving his hand as his mind wandered to other things. "What can I help you with Lily?"

"Well," she said, keeping her tone natural, though she was careful how she chose her words. "I just keep thinking... So many of the subjects here at Hogwarts that have the greatest potential to help mankind, like Potions for example, could also be used by the wrong person to do a great deal of harm. And I think that, if I were a teacher, I would constantly be worried about that." She looked at him steadily. "I thought you would be the best person to ask about this, because you always look for the best potential in people. Is there a way to know for sure that students are going to use their knowledge for the right reasons? Is that ever a problem you've come across?"

Slughorn thought about it a moment before he shook his head. "No … No, nothing that comes to mind. All my students have moved on to well-respecting jobs, or I've lost track of them over the years. I suppose it's not out of the realm of possibility mind, but I don't know of anyone. Why do you ask?"

"Just an ethical question that's been bothering me," Lily shrugged. She guessed she should have known better than to think that such a general question would have led to Slughorn telling her about that conversation with Riddle. But how could she get more specific without cluing him into what she was doing? "I'm probably overthinking it, but with current events in the Wizarding world lately … I can't help thinking about how even the Darkest wizards in Britain had to have come through Hogwarts at some point. It's just kind of scary to think about."

"Ah, yes. Well … you just have to remember that the majority do not turn out to be dark wizards." Slughorn said. "The good far outweighs the bad, and you can't let a thing like that get to you. After all, all children deserve the right to learn."

"That's true, I suppose," Lily said. "In the end, I guess everyone's going to make their own decisions. So you would just have to teach them as well as you can and hope for the best. So it's not really your fault if someone uses their knowledge the wrong way."

"Precisely," Slughorn said pulling another essay towards him. "I wouldn't let it bother you too much. Now if you'll excuse me, I do have much to grade before tomorrow's classes. It was a pleasure seeing you Lily."

Lily paused for a moment, but there was nothing she could say at this point in the conversation to get anything out of him. He had indicated that the discussion was over. There was no way to continue it with any subtlety, since it would be outright rude to hang around inconveniencing him when he was busy for no good reason. But if she pressed the matter, if she pushed him by bringing the real question out into the open now, she knew Slughorn would just shut down completely. Maybe she could find a way to use this conversation to set the foundation for a more productive one later. But for now, this was a dead end. "Yes … thank you for your advice, Professor," Lily said, trying to keep her voice bright and not let on how discouraged she was feeling, as she showed herself out the door. Once she was out in the hallway, she let out a heavy sigh. There had to be a way to follow up on this later, but right now she had no idea how. Dumbledore had asked her to do just one thing; surely there had to be a way to accomplish it… She felt so bloody useless.

"Miss. Evans." Came a soft voice from behind her. Dumbledore had seen her coming from Slughorn's office, and had heard the defeat in her sigh. "I was just taking a leisurely stroll. How are you this afternoon?"

Lily turned to look over her shoulder and saw Dumbledore approaching from down the hallway. "Not terribly successful, I'm afraid," she confided. "There has to be a better way to approach this, if I can just figure out how."

"Don't worry yourself about it. I'm sure there must be a way. I do have a meeting with Professor Snape in a few minutes. Perhaps we can speak later tonight and we can discuss what else can be done."

Lily nodded. "That sounds like a good idea," she said. She really had no idea how to proceed from here.

The Headmaster made his way to his office, where Snape would meet him shortly. Slughorn might show no signs of divulging what he knew … but if it was what Dumbledore suspected, and if he had managed to work it out in Snape's future timeline, there was a chance that Severus had witnessed enough clues to confirm it without realising it.

Severus sat in the chair across from Dumbledore's desk, his finger running over the old chipped wood which had been smoothed over and polished, but the grains of the wood still lightly showed through. He'd been waiting here for over a quarter of an hour already waiting for Dumbledore, who had told him to be here thirty minutes ago. He'd been fifteen minutes late and as it turned out, it hadn't mattered because Dumbledore wasn't even here.

"My apologies for keeping you waiting," Albus said when he arrived. "There were a few matters that required my attention." And he had needed to think carefully about how he would ask for Snape's help in this. Severus had made it clear that he would only divulge information about his own timeline on his own terms. Dumbledore needed to make him understand how important this was, without making it seem like he was trying to pressure or manipulate him. In short, he would have to be as straightforward as possible… which had become difficult for him over the years.

Severus remained silent as Dumbledore came into the room, his eyes narrowed in annoyance. "It's alright … It's not as if I have a pile of grading waiting for me downstairs." He said sarcastically.

"I shall attempt to come to the point quickly, then," said Albus, moving over to his side of the desk and taking a seat across from Severus. "It seems," he said, folding his hands on the desk as he spoke. "That Miss Evans has had some difficulty in getting Professor Slughorn to divulge what he has witnessed. Though Miss Evans is a capable and resourceful girl, Slughorn can be very stubborn about remaining uninvolved." He considered his words carefully before he continued, watching Severus's face over the rims of his half-moon spectacles. "It has occurred to me that … If I ever confirmed this particular theory about Voldemort in your timeline, I would certainly have acted upon it. It is likely that you have witnessed me doing precisely that. I would like to ask you some questions which, if you were to answer, could give our side a vital edge. I cannot divulge my theory to you beforehand, as it might influence your answers … But would you be willing to help with this?"

Severus leant back in his chair and crossed his arms over his chest. "Perhaps if you just told me what you were looking for, I could assist you better. After all, I can't exactly know what to look for if I don't know what it was."

Albus leant forward slightly in his seat. "Was there ever an item of Voldemort's that I was adamant about finding and destroying? It would have been hidden or protected, difficult or possibly dangerous to acquire."

Severus thought about it, digging through his memory of anything that could be remotely similar to what Dumbledore asked.

"Not that I know of …" He thought about it a moment longer. "Though …." He paused. He supposed it could be considered an item of Voldemort's. "You did destroy a cursed ring … You had told me you tried to destroy it because you thought it would break the curse. Though I don't know if it was very hard to find …. and in Potter's son's second year he had destroyed a diary that was believed to have belonged to Voldemort. He destroyed it with a basilisk fang. Though I never found out why, I just heard that through rumours through the school."

"A ring and a diary …" Albus frowned, deep in thought. "Either one is possible …" The Basilisk fang could be consistent with his hypothesis, though the vague explanation he'd apparently given Snape about the ring could fit as well. It was unfortunate that his future self-had seen fit to keep Snape in the dark about the matter. Otherwise, this could have been significantly easier. "Do you recall seeing or hearing about any peculiar events surrounding either Voldemort's ring or his diary?"

"When the diary was destroyed it was because the chamber of secrets had been opened. I don't know anything about the ring other than the fact that you'd tried to put it on." He said shrugging.

The Chamber of Secrets opening again, while not something he would have expected, could have been a possibility if the diary were a Horcrux … He frowned. "I tried to put the ring on?" he repeated. Why would he have done that? Could the ring have had some prior significance before Riddle had repurposed it? He supposed it was possible. Tom Riddle had always had a grandiose idea of his own importance, and a driving need to connect himself to wizarding history. "You say 'tried,'" Dumbledore observed. "What happened when I tried to put the ring on?" It was also possible that he had attempted to put the ring on to test an idea, albeit in a very risky manner. Not knowing the circumstances, he couldn't be certain.

"You nearly killed yourself …." Severus said bluntly. "I spent hours saving your life and in the next breath you asked me to end it." He said angrily. "Do you have all the information you require? Or are you actually going to tell me what you're looking for?"

Albus stared back at him for a moment in surprise. Not at the result of attempting to put on the ring; that was perfectly consistent with his suspicions. But he was unprepared for Severus's efforts and his anger. If the ring had long-term effects, he supposed he might have been driven to make such a request, or perhaps if … He decided not to contemplate the matter further. Nor did he ask whether Severus had fulfilled that particular request.

He was silent awhile longer before he said evenly: "I suppose I do owe you an explanation … Given your proximity to Lord Voldemort in your timeline, I could not have told you… I doubt I would have shared this information with anyone, except perhaps, in time, with Potter's son." Which had been his reasoning for sending Evans specifically to attempt to talk to Slughorn. Had she succeeded, it might have been best if she still never saw the complete memory. "So I hardly need to tell you that this must never leave this office." He looked back steadily at Severus across the desk, and thought of the dreadful things he had seen in the Pensieve. Of all that Snape had seen and done and endured at his orders. And that was just what Severus had chosen to show him.

It could very well be even worse than that. Yes, he did owe him more of an explanation this time. A person could only continue so long kept in the dark. "I suspect," he said finally. "That Lord Voldemort may possess at least one Horcrux … possibly several." He watched Snape's eyes to see whether he understood his meaning. Horcruxes were hardly a subject of common knowledge. But even at this age, Severus had been uncommonly knowledgeable about the Dark Arts, and would have had reason over the years to learn more.

"Horcruxes?" Severus asked, raising his eyebrows. He thought about it. "I suppose it's not completely out of the realm of possibility …. and does seem like something the dark lord would do."

"Indeed," Albus said grimly. "I have had reason to suspect it for some time now, but have had no definitive proof to confirm it. What you had told me, however, about Voldemort's temporary defeat and disappearance, and his eventual return so many years later, certainly seems consistent with the theory. However, that still leaves us with very little means of determining how many Horcruxes he might have made, or where he might have hidden them away.

"They'd likely be personal items of his since he used his diary and his father's ring." Snape said thinking back. When he'd taken the sword to Potter he had briefly glimpsed Hermione who had a necklace on … She wasn't ever one to wear jewellery. Could it be … It was a locket of some sort that was for sure, and it had a … "The houses …" Severus said. "Granger, Potter's friend had Slytherin's locket. He must have made ones out of the house artefacts. Someone had also broken into Bellatrix Lastrange's vault. I had assumed it was for the Sword of Gryffindor, to see which one was a fake perhaps? But come to think of it The Dark Lord had hidden an object in her vault. A cup I believe. Hufflepuff's perhaps?" Severus asked Dumbledore.

Albus's expression grew far more grim as he considered the implications of that suggestion. But he nodded slowly. "That… certainly would be in character for him," Dumbledore acknowledged thoughtfully. Tom Riddle might very well have seen his conquest over the relics of the Hogwarts houses as a symbolic claim to the founders' power, an assertion of his place in wizarding history. "He always did seem to feel a strong connection to Hogwarts … So if we presume that the diary, the ring, the locket, and the cup are Horcruxes…"

"Then it's safe to say there's something from Ravenclaw and Gryffindor as well … But what?" Severus asked.

"It stands to reason that they would be well-known, possibly legendary items," Albus said, frowning in thought. "Symbols of the founders' power or status that he could claim as his own …" Dumbledore was quiet for a moment, then looked back at Severus uneasily over the rims of his spectacles. "You said … that the Sword of Gryffindor was in one of his followers' vault?" It was a disdainful idea, and he doubted that it had occurred yet … But he still had to consider the possibility if he was to prevent it.

"No. No one knows where it is … but it can be retrieved by the Sorting Hat in a time of need, by someone who shows great bravery." Severus said, having heard about the incident in the chamber of secrets. No one knew where the sword was before that.

Dumbledore shook his head. "I should have clarified; I meant in your timeline, when Lestrange's vault had been broken into?"

"Yes. I placed a fake in Bellatrix's vault, so that it would seem, by all appearances, that I was keeping it safe, when in reality I had the real one hidden behind your portrait. No one would have suspected to even look for it, let alone look for it there."

"I see," said Dumbledore evenly. He was quiet for a moment, then continued. "So there is no possibility, then, that Voldemort ever got his hands on the Sword of Gryffindor."

And it seemed, then, that Severus really might have gone through with his fatal order. If that were the case, despite how much he must have resented Albus for asking that of him, he had still continued to protect the Order's interests. The toll that must have taken on the man's mind, on his soul, was unthinkable. Perhaps, though, it had happened another way. After all, if he had thought it necessary to die, there were plenty of people who would not have needed asking. Again, he refrained from asking Snape how that had played out. The question already had started to gnaw at his mind, but it might be wiser not to know.

"So we can gather that he either failed to acquire an item of Gryffindor's, or settled for something else … We can return to that question later. That leaves Ravenclaw." There was one item that came to mind, but its existence was all but relegated to myth. It was possible that Voldemort's claim on Ravenclaw was still yet to come. "In any case, that is a start at least."

Severus nearly smirked. "See how easy that was?" Severus asked. "Tell me what you're after and you'll get it. Stop playing riddles with me and we may actually win this war before anyone else gets killed …. or worse." He said thinking back to seeing poor Miss. Brown being attacked by Fenrir.

"Yes, well," Dumbledore said with a very small smile that didn't reach his eyes. "It only took me two timelines and one uncommonly stubborn ally to learn that. Thank you for your time, Severus. I should let you get back to your grading now."

Severus nodded and stood to leave. "Do you have any idea where the cup could be right now?" Severus asked. He doubted Riddle had the cup in his possession, but he had no idea where it was until briefly before he put it in the Lestrange vault.

Dumbledore shook his head. "No one has seen it for decades… It could be in Voldemort's possession right now, or he could be just as uninformed of its location as we are."

Severus sighed and nodded before he left.

0o0o0

Severus stood leaning against a tree in the forbidden forest, a dagger in his hand as he tossed it up into the air and caught it, over and over, the blade twisting in the air. He wasn't throwing it high, barely enough for it to flip once, maybe twice, but each time he caught it easily.

It was with the utmost dread that Sirius approached Snape's designated meeting place at the edge of the forbidden forest. He had waited until the last possible minute when he could leave and still be on time. The contract he'd signed had been very strict about what would happen in the event of a no-show, and he doubted Snivellus would hang around waiting for him if he wasn't on time, so he didn't dare be late … but he had no intention of arriving early either. A deep scowl settled onto his face as he caught sight of Snape, casually tossing a dagger, like some cheesy villain in an old story.

"You know," he said, crossing his arms. "If you were planning to just stab me, you could be a little less obvious about it."

Severus glared at him and shook his head. "Give me your wand." He said stilling the knife in his hand. "You won't need it for this detention." He said stepping away from the tree he was leaning against.

Sirius returned his glare with equal loathing, but after a moment, grudgingly took out his wand and handed it over to him. If he refused to cooperate, no doubt Dumbledore would hear about it. He still didn't entirely trust Snivellus to return it, though, and that made him uneasy.

Severus placed it in his bag and turned away from Sirius. He pulled the dagger over his head and, using his focus of chakra, threw the dagger upwards at a nearby, overly thick tree. It embedded into the trunk nearly twice as high as he'd had it for James back in the room of requirement.

"Seeing as how it's a Saturday, I have you all day, it'll give you a lot of time to do your assignment." He said. "Get it down." He said sitting down where he had been previously standing and pulled some assignments out of his bag to mark.

Sirius stared up at the dagger, which was embedded ridiculously high up in the tree. There were no branches low enough for him to reach to start climbing, and this tree's trunk was far too big for him to reach around to climb up that way. Then his glare moved back down from the dagger to Snivellus, his expression incredulous. "How, exactly? Am I supposed to spontaneously develop wandless magic?"

"You should have thought about that before you signed that contract. Now do it …. you have Twelve hours until dinner … if I catch you slacking off then your contract will be terminated as per our agreement." He said not looking up from the essay he was reading, a red inked quill in his hand, making the occasional correction.

Sirius's hands clenched into fists with anger, but there wasn't a damn thing he could do about it. He understood exactly what Snivellus was doing, giving him a completely impossible task for him to wear himself out without ever reaching his goal. Even knowing it was impossible, if he ever gave up, then Snape would still get to see him kicked out of school anyway. Either result was a victory for Snivellus. Maybe he was even hoping Sirius would flat out refuse so he could get him expelled right now. But that wasn't going to happen.

"Fine," Sirius growled. He still had no idea how he was going to do this, but he needed to start doing something, or Snape would decide he was in violation of his contract. It probably didn't matter what he tried; it was an impossible task anyway. Okay, so climbing the damn tree was impossible … and technically, Snape hadn't said he had to do that … Sirius glanced around. Snape also hadn't said he couldn't use his surroundings. Of course, he might amend that later. Sirius picked up the nearest rock and hurled it up at the dagger. He misjudged the distance, and the throw wasn't nearly high enough, the rock falling back down, hitting the trunk uselessly on its way back to the ground. Snape had obviously used magic to get the dagger up that high in the first place. Sirius sighed and picked up another rock, backing away a few feet to adjust the angle of his throw, since throwing straight up wasn't going to cut it. He drew his arm back and flung the second rock hard at the dagger, but it still came down several meters short.

Severus smirked. At this rate he was going to run himself ragged.

0o0o0

James leant back against the chair in front of the roaring fire. "It's getting late Moony, we just moved all our stuff three flights up, why do we have to study now?" James complained.

"There will always be excuses not to study," said Remus, smirking slightly. "But there will never be a better time than the present." He threw two textbooks at James. "So, which are we starting with? Transfiguration or Potions?"

By the time Sirius made it to the portrait hole, he was already dead on his feet. He'd have stopped to rest on the stairs, but he wasn't sure he'd have the energy to get back up if he did. His entire right arm and shoulder ached from throwing more rocks than he could keep track of. He was tired, sweaty, frustrated, and starting to seriously despair over how he could possibly keep this up four days a week for the rest of his time at Hogwarts. At least his other three detention days were weekdays, when he'd be spending more time in class than out in the Forbidden Forest … he could easily start to hate Saturdays.

When he got to the Common Room and saw James and Remus sitting companionably by the fire, having the usual debate of To Study or Not To Study, Sirius's throat tightened. Of course. While he'd been running himself ragged in front of a smirking Snape, he'd almost forgotten. The room transfer request had gone through. His friends had moved out today. But maybe… maybe if they knew about Snape's insane detentions, if they knew how severely he was being punished for his actions, they'd decided he'd had enough and start talking to him again. They had to; if he didn't have someone to talk to about this, he'd completely lose it.

"So Snape's gone mental now," said Sirius as he walked in.

James ignored Sirius as he angled his paper towards Remus. "Is this supposed to be 1/4th or 1/5th?" James asked, practically making a show of ignoring Sirius.

Remus rolled his eyes. "1/3rd ... Put any more than that and it'll explode. And you have the wrong cauldron. It's supposed to be pewter not gold." Remus said muttering something about James constantly wanting to spend more money than is necessary.

"I was out in the Forbidden Forest with him all day trying to complete his bloody impossible task," Sirius continued talking, even though James and Remus were ignoring him. He knew they could still hear him. Maybe they didn't share a dorm room anymore, but they couldn't ban him from the Common Room. "Which he probably won't change for the next couple of years." He paused, hoping James's curiosity would get the better of him and that he'd ask what Snape had him doing. The official Marauder policy at the moment might be to ignore him, but James had to want to know what Snape was up to. Especially since he'd been so concerned about the greasy bastard lately.

"What about number seven?" James asked, "Can that be mixed with doxy venom? The leech juice would negate its poisonous effects wouldn't it?" He asked getting frustrated with the subject. Even Remus, who was horrid at potions was doing better than him.

"Hang on," Remus said, flipping to the index of his Potions textbook. "Let me look that up, I think I remember something about this in Chapter 10…"

"Really?" Sirius said, crossing his arms and glaring at the both of them. "I know you're not talking to me, but aren't you the slightest bit interested in how Snape's getting his Snape-ish revenge? As much as you apparently hate me now, I'd thought you'd be thrilled to hear about that."

James sighed getting annoyed now with both his homework and Sirius.

"Whatever he's doing to you I'm sure it could be much worse. Stop complaining, take your punishment and be glad it's not worse." James said glaring up at him as he spoke before turning back to his book. "In case you forgot it's because of Snape you weren't expelled ... You should be thanking him, not bitching about him."

Sirius winced. "So he told you about that, did he?" he said bitterly. He glanced over at Remus, who was looking staunchly at his textbook, his posture stiff. Sirius wondered whether Snape had also told James about how he'd made him grovel on his knees for forgiveness. Probably. "I don't need you to remind me that things could have been worse; Snape's already made damn sure that I know it. It's not like he's keeping me at Hogwarts out of the goodness of his heart. He's still making sure that I pay for what I did."

"Good." James said. "Remus that's not going to work. The bat spleen will make it explode if mixed with it." James paused and flipped a page back and forth looking between the two looking awfully confused. "I think."

Remus shook his head. "I don't remember anything about bat spleens exploding. I think that was bat liver. Spleen should be fine. Probably." He sighed. "Hang on, let me check my notes…"

"Fine," Sirius said. "You're right, James. Is that what you wanted to hear? You're 100% right about absolutely everything. I'm not even going to try to argue with that. But I just wanted you to know I really am taking my punishment for what I've done, and … and I know it's too late to undo it now, but I just … I'm going to go completely crazy if I don't have you guys to talk to anymore."

James snapped his book shut, crushing his piece of parchment in the book. "I'm tired Remus ... Perhaps we should pack it in for the night." He said shoving his book into his bag and slinging it over his shoulder. "If you have issue Sirius you could always rant at Pettigrew ... It seems he's siding with you. Either that or he's just too lazy to move rooms ... Either way you still have a roommate. Go complain to him."

"Peter's staying?" Sirius asked, surprised. He'd been sure that Wormtail would have followed James, just like he always had. And Peter hadn't really said much to him lately either, so it hadn't even occurred to him that he might still have one friend left.

Remus closed his books with a yawn and stood up to leave too. He glanced uneasily over at Sirius, and looked like he was about to say something, then apparently thought better of it, and headed for the stairs.

((A/N - Aaaaaand it starts. :D Please leave a review! I feed off those things! They are my sustenance!))

((A/N 2 - I did have someone PM me about some grammatical errors, mostly between differences in spelling. I'd like to mention again this is written by myself and my best friend. We are located in two different countries where spelling of certain words vary (ex, Color and Colour, Leaned and Leant, apologize and apologise) So while we do edit, some of the differences may slip through, and may create some inconsistency, and for that, I apologise, and hope that the story is still enjoyable despite the spelling differences between our countries.))


	47. Wizards Chess

Chapter 47

Severus groaned as he sat down in his chair. Not that he'd had a tough day, and he physically felt better than he had in years. But spending an entire day with Black was not exactly his ideal Saturday.

He pulled one of his books from the side table and flipped it open to where he left off. It was an advanced text on medical research. So far he'd found little to nothing on cancer research in the wizarding world. He'd have to bring the book with him to Black's detention on Monday. If what Mr. Evans was saying was true, it looked like her condition was worsening faster than he'd thought.

Moments after Snape sat down, there were three sharp, clear knocks on the door. Minerva knew that Snape would have just gotten back from overseeing Black’s detention, and deemed this as good a time as any to have a word with him.

Severus groaned quietly to himself. He didn’t want to deal with anyone right now, not unless it was Lily, and he knew she wasn’t stupid enough to come to his room. No, that knock he recognised. He didn’t know why she would be down here but he really didn’t want to deal with McGonagall at the moment. She was probably just here to pester him about how many points he’d deducted from Gryffindor through the week, or how grouchy he’d been with her precious cubs … He ignored the knock as he started reading his book.

“Professor Snape, we both know perfectly well that you can hear me,” Minerva said matter-of-factly. “Unless of course, there is something wrong with your hearing, in which case I advise you to see Poppy promptly. If now is not a good time, simply say so.”

Severus sighed and put his book down before he stood up and moved towards the door. It was never enough for Minerva that one could simply be out. He opened the door a few inches and looked out, not offering to allow her in.

“Yes?” He asked, though it really held none of its bitter tones that was common to his …. previous life.

Minerva was not at all deterred by Snape’s curt manner, but stood there looking as proper and severe as ever and said: “Do you have time for a cup of tea and a game of wizard’s chess?” From her tone, she might just as well have been inquiring how far along he was in grading his essays.

"No. I don't." He said going to shut the door again, not feeling like having a discussion with Minerva over her guise of tea and chess. It was comforting to know that some things were still the same, that she would come down here to pester him in hopes to keep him at least semi-social ... Even if it was over topics that needed to be discussed.

Minerva put out a hand and kept the door from closing. “Professor Snape, during my own first year as a teacher, I discovered that if one does not occasionally make time to take a break and converse with other adults, one will become increasingly bitter, irritable, and unproductively stressed. Consider this a mandatory part of your apprenticeship.”

"Yes well in case you hadn't noticed I'm not actually an adult quite yet ..." He said before trying to close the door again.

Minerva gave him a sceptical look, while still firmly keeping him from closing the door. From what Dumbledore had told her, that was not entirely true. “You have the responsibilities of one,” she said matter-of-factly. “The principle still applies.”

Severus groaned and walked away from the door, not inviting her in but knowing she would come in anyway. He picked up the book he'd put down and snapped it shut.

Minerva took Snape’s surly retreat from the door as an invitation and stepped inside, glancing around. Aside from the books and notes sitting out here and there, Snape was rather tidy for a young man his age … though she supposed that was to be expected. 

“Medical research?” she inquired, glancing at the book as he closed it. “Branching out in your studies, or just doing a bit of casual reading?”

"Personal research." He said sitting down in his wing-backed chair. "Or is that against the terms of my apprenticeship?" He asked glaring up at her.

“Hardly,” Minerva said, taking a seat and opening up an antique wizard’s chess set on the table. “If you can find the time to conduct research in other subjects on top of everything else, I fail to see the merit in stopping you.” A house elf appeared momentarily with a tea tray that Minerva had already requested beforehand and set it on the table next to the chess set before disappearing.

Severus spun the board so he could be black. He hated not having his own pieces, the generic ones just didn't listen as well as his own personal pieces. Perhaps next time he was in Hogsmeade he'd pick up a set.

"Is there a reason you're here?" He asked.

“Is the reason I have already stated not sufficient, Professor Snape?” Minerva said, pouring two cups of tea. “Would you prefer that I only come to speak with you if I have some grievance or criticism?”

"I can't see you coming down here to speak to a sixteen-year-old Slytherin unless it was for a reason. You haven't exactly been a fan of mine these past years, apprentice or not, I doubt that would change." He said moving one of his pieces.

“But you are not, in fact, a sixteen-year-old Slytherin now, are you,” Minerva said pointedly. It was not a question. She advanced one of her pawns on the board. “Evidently, we have been colleagues for far longer than I was aware.”

Severus didn't move his head as he looked up at her, the only thing moving his eyes as the rest of him froze. He continued on as if she'd said nothing within seconds and moved a second pawn.

"I take it Dumbledore has taken it upon himself to give out secrets that were not his to give? I should have suspected he would have. He always had another agenda."

“He seemed to think that I needed to know,” Minerva said, not denying his statement about Dumbledore’s agendas. “Admittedly, that may be because I kept going to his office, demanding to know why you were suddenly so exceptional, and why he has kept repeatedly calling you away from your advanced studies for other unspecified tasks.”

Severus smiled softly, the first positive reaction he'd shown since she'd come here. "Perceptive as always." He said moving another piece and taking out one of her pawns, shards of her piece scattering across the board. "What did he tell you?"

“I’m sure you’ve already deduced that he told me about your … alternate future,” Minerva said, her expression tightening at the words. In general, she didn’t have much faith in anyone else’s claim to have seen the future, so that had taken a great deal of convincing and explanation, even from Dumbledore, for her to accept the situation. “He also told me that, in your timeline, you were a longtime faculty member at Hogwarts and ally in the fight against You-Know-Who. He also said that at one point earlier on, you had been a Death Eater.” Her knight moved to crush Severus’s pawn.

Severus said nothing as his own knight took hers. “And you, what?” He asked after a long pause. “Came down here to berate me for my horrible decisions? Ask if I was a spy for the Dark Lord? Ask how many people I killed? Women I’ve raped? Family’s I’ve torn apart?” He asked bitterly, sitting back in his chair. Of course Dumbledore would have told her he was a Death Eater. Why wouldn’t he?

“I take it, then, that’s how I reacted the first time around?” she said, her expression unchanged. “If you can give me a valid reason to ask those questions now, I will, but otherwise that seems pointless. It is my understanding that you spent significantly more years fighting against the Dark Lord than for him, which I should think sufficient to earn some measure of trust. Whomever you have killed in this … future, is still alive as we speak. And whatever decisions you’ve made, I expect you’ve paid for them already.” Her queen moved forward to demolish his knight.

Severus didn’t move a piece as he sighed. “Not nearly as much as I should have.” He said so quietly it was barely audible. Sure he had suffered, and served his time as a spy, endured hours of torture and pain by the hands of Voldemort himself … But in Severus’ mind there couldn’t be a punishment severe enough to atone for what he’d done. For what he’d done to Lily and her family, to Dumbledore …. He’d killed the only man who trusted him, and whether Albus had set the whole thing up it was Severus who had done it. Who had raised his wand and cast the spell that had sent Albus plummeting to his death.

“What utter nonsense,” Minerva said, her tone as severe as it had ever been. “One’s actions have natural consequences, but you cannot undo other people’s suffering by increasing your own, no matter how much you believe you deserve it. Dwelling on your past actions rather than learning from them is utter foolishness. The only way to change anything is through your actions in the present.” Minerva paused, and looked back at him, her eyes stern but not unkind. “Against all logic and probability, you have been given a second chance. I expect you will not waste it.”

“Why exactly have you come down here, Minerva?” He asked finally moving his knight again to take another pawn. “What do you want from me?”

Minerva took a sip of tea, then neatly placed her cup back on its saucer before answering. “I want to know how you’re honestly doing right now. How you’re adjusting to having to redo everything. And, to a lesser extent, how you are doing with your assistant teaching duties … though, since it turns out you’ve been teaching for years, I doubt that last one is your greatest concern at the moment.”

“Well if you haven’t noticed anything other than my odd disappearances I’d say I’m adjusting well enough. I think my biggest concern is keeping my emotions in check. I’ve found myself reacting to things in ways I wouldn’t have before … I’m more quick-tempered, easy to upset than I was, and really that’s saying something.” He said moving another piece once again. In just a few more moves he’d take her queen, and two moves after that have her in check, if not checkmate. “And the apprenticeship is fine … Though I suppose you now have an answer so to why it was so hard to teach me anything. I have to say I chose Transfiguration because I thought it would be a bit more challenging for me than the other subjects. I taught Potions for fifteen years, and Defence for a year before-” He paused not wanting to reveal too much. He supposed basic information wouldn’t hurt but that … That was giving out too much.

Minerva didn’t bother asking him to finish his sentence. She presumed that he meant before he’d died, or possibly some other event that he had just as little desire to discuss. She didn’t press the issue; he was already telling her more than she had anticipated. “I see … So what you’re telling me is that things sometimes affect you as if you really were an ordinary teenager?” That made logical sense, though it was in its own way perhaps somewhat troubling. Despite the responsibilities placed upon him, and years of experience as an adult … in some ways he still really was a teenager. To categorise him simply as either an adult or a teenager would be an error. While it would be a mistake to treat him as anything less than a capable and competent adult … it might be an equally dire mistake to put too much pressure on him, to forget that he was still emotionally young enough that he could very well break down under pressure, toss aside his decades of adult experience, and make any number of uncharacteristically juvenile mistakes all over again.

“Though perhaps having an adult’s awareness of those adolescent emotions will help you to keep them from affecting your decision-making too much,” though she would have to keep an eye open for that, regardless. Minerva moved her knight so that it was one move away from taking his bishop, which, if he wanted to save it, would delay any intended attack on her queen. “I have noticed that patience with the students does not seem to be your strong suit,” she added dryly.

Severus chuckled slightly. "No, I've never had patience for dunderheads ..." He said. "I've never really liked children ... Let alone children who could blow up my classroom with a single mistake."

“Another reason for the change from Potions, I take it?” Minerva said with a tight smile. “I would say that patience comes with time, but given how much of it you’ve had already … perhaps, in the long term, teaching is not for you. Have you considered pursuing other career options this time around? Not that I don’t value you as a potential colleague … but in my experience, miserable teachers make miserable students, and are generally exasperating to work with.”

"I just started Minerva, it seems a bit early to try to get rid of me." He said moving another piece and leaving his Bishop where it was. She was playing right into his hand.

“On the contrary, you’ve been quite helpful so far this year,” said Minerva. “And, as I am currently responsible for you while you are here, I fully expect you to finish out your apprenticeship. But if you feel that your life might be better spent elsewhere than teaching, then now would be a good time to consider what other professions might suit you better, and what skills and connections you should start making in order to get there. You were always very bright, Professor Snape, even if I was not always terribly fond of your attitude. And now you have more academic and life experience than anyone else of your apparent age. You mustn’t limit yourself.” Minerva considered the board for a moment, seeing the way that Severus had called her bluff. Instead of taking his bishop, she moved her queen to take another one of his pieces.

Without moving a piece he simply said, "Check." And leant back in his chair. "I had considered it ... But I doubt that will be for a long time. At the moment I'm needed here, just as I was before ... That's not going to change anytime soon. I'm getting more involved in all of this than I wanted to be ..." He said with a deep sigh.

“The lad’s right,” one of Minerva’s Knights yelled in a thick Scottish accent, once Snape had finished talking. “You canno’ move yourself into check! It’s against the rules!” Minerva’s Queen merely crossed her arms and looked mildly annoyed, as she was forced to leave the piece alone and return to where she’d been on the board before the illegal move.

Minerva’s mouth became a very thin line, out of irritation that she hadn’t noticed before. Admittedly, she was focusing more on the conversation than on the actual game. Whereas Snape … if they’d been colleagues for so long, may well have already known what sort of thing she was likely to say. Indeed, if she’d been in the habit of conducting conversations over chess in the future, it was quite possible that Snape was also familiar with her strategic style as well. She was instead forced to move the Queen in a different direction that would not compromise her King … but achieved no real tactical advantage either. The move was merely defensive.

“More involved than you wanted to be,” Minerva repeated as if confirming a suspicion rather than asking a question. “And how did that happen, I wonder?”

Severus shook his head. "Opened my damn mouth. I couldn't keep my mouth shut about it ... I could have very well left it alone. Finished the last two years here with ease. And lived my life out in peace." He said no longer paying attention to the game, a few of his pieces tapping their foot in impatience. "But then a lot of people would die ... And if I could have prevented it ..." He said leaving the sentence hang. Severus looked far older than he should at that moment ... An old soul in a young body. Even in his previous life he had grown up far too fast, aged far beyond his years.

Minerva was quiet for a moment, seeing the pain on Severus’s young face, his expression haunted and tired. In his eyes, she saw that terrible things were coming, unless they could be prevented. Already, he had seen more of war and suffering than she had. It evoked a feeling of respect mingled with pity. “We must all do what we can,” Minerva agreed. “You must remember, however … that just because you have lived out one possible future, does not mean that the world is now your sole responsibility. You are not a spy this time around; it is not necessary to brood over everything in silence.”

"Perhaps not ... But perhaps it's safer that way." He said leaning forward and moving his piece putting Minerva into check. "I'm used to being alone. It's nothing new."

“How is it safer?” Minerva asked, moving her King out of check. “And for whom?"

"Everyone. If The Dark Lord ever finds out what I know he'd destroy everyone in his way trying to get to me." He said moving his rook into a checkmate. "He destroyed so many lives with a simple prophesy that not even Dumbledore took seriously ... Not until he found out the Dark Lord did ..." He leant back in his chair and shook his head. "You have no idea what he's capable of ... And I pray to whoever is listening that you don't find out."

Minerva shook her head. “Obviously You-Know-Who finding out about your unique situation would be disastrous,” she agreed, frowning down at the board as her King surrendered. “That information cannot be treated carelessly. However, I think that you may have misunderstood my meaning. I certainly did not mean to imply that it would be possible for you to act openly. But there are a handful of people who already know about your … alternative future. You can discuss some of what you are doing at present with allies who can be trusted. Everyone knows something that others do not; sometimes it’s easier to make wise decisions when you’ve talked things through with someone else.”

"The question is who can I trust with what information? I know I can trust Potter to keep his mouth shut about our meetings, and the others to follow him ... Even if I am there. But there's little other information I can tell him without that information being at risk. I already feel I've told too much. I can't tell Dumbledore everything either. I have no doubt he'll go against my plan and will do everything he can to make it his own ... Not because he cares about glory, but he feels he must interfere. He has to be the one making the moves. If any move is made out of his control it makes him uncomfortable."

“The Headmaster acts in whatever way he believes to be best,” Minerva said sternly, but someone perceptive might have noticed a tight hint of a smile. “But that is … an apt description of the way that he often operates. And Potter’s maturity level still leaves something to be desired. I expect that will change, though, given time and firm guidance.”

"Perhaps ... In my ... Past ... Potter did mature to a degree. He was a bully not only to me but others as well ... He stopped bullying in his seventh year because his girlfriend asked him to but would still hex me behind her back on occasion. This time around ... I think what I showed him changed him ...."

Minerva was quiet for a moment before responding. “You have shown him that his actions have far-reaching consequences. In … light of your experience, it is possible that we have all been overly lenient with Potter. And perhaps far too unobservant of the consequences.” Granted, as head of Gryffindor, Minerva was more directly responsible for the wellbeing of students in her own house, but … She was also responsible for keeping them in line. And Snape had said that Potter had bullied others … She wondered how many others she’d ignored. How many others she’d failed.

Severus looked at the book that was on the side table next to him. "At least I can try to make a difference this time. Maybe ..." He said picking up the book he'd been studying. His 'light reading'. "Lily's mother has cancer ... I've been researching why there aren't any magical cures or at least anything that could slow it down .... But there's little to no information regarding it." He said tossing the book back onto the table with a loud thud. "Though it seems in a way I'm just making things worse .... Like things are happening anyway no matter what I do to stop it. I see it coming and I know it's happening but .... I don't feel like I'm doing enough to change it."

Minerva frowned in thought. She hadn’t known that Evans’ mother was ill. It would explain why the girl had seemed a little distracted in class lately. “I don’t recall ever encountering any magical research on cancer either,” she said. Granted, she had never particularly looked for it. No one she’d ever known had ever had any form of cancer. “Perhaps you could ask Poppy; that seems closer to her area of expertise? She might be able to give you a better idea of where to look.”

“Poppy has been busy, I don’t wish for this to become her problem as well. Quidditch is starting up soon, and I have no doubt she’ll be even busier than she already is. Not to mention the recent incident in Slughorn’s class. She already has twenty-three students she’s currently tending to nearly twenty-four hours a day.” He said as he helped her pack up the chess pieces.

“Let me see what I can do,” Minerva said, as she packed up her side of the chess board. “I have one or two old classmates working at St. Mungo’s now; one of them might know something. At the very least, I can put you in contact with them, so that you can ask if they know of any research on the subject. They might be able to give you a better idea of where to look …” Minerva paused for a moment, then looked back at Snape. “You should try to remember, however … even the best of us can only do what we can. It is unreasonable to blame yourself for things that are outside of your control.”

“But they shouldn’t be out of my control. If I know it’s going to happen …. I should be able to do something about it!” Snape said clearly getting upset. “It doesn’t have to be the way it was before, and if I fail-” Severus paused realising he was yelling and took a deep calming breath and sat back in his chair once more.

“Severus,” Minerva said in a firm yet uncharacteristically gentle tone. “You should know that I set very little store in the notion that any part of the future is set in stone. Of course there are things that you can change. Frankly, I suspect that Headmaster Dumbledore is counting on it.” Perhaps more than he really ought to. It was a great burden to place on any one person. “But you have lived long enough to know how unrealistic it is for one person to expect to save everyone. Perhaps this is something you can change; there is no reason to assume otherwise. But you need to be prepared for the possibility that, sooner or later, there will be something that you can’t change, or something that you won’t see coming. And when that happens, you need to be able to accept that it’s not your fault.”

"What if it is?" Severus asked. "What if I do something, change something, and it results in someone else getting hurt ... Or killed ... Who shouldn't have been .... Or affect things in a way that would stop someone from being born?" He asked. If he could hold onto Lily, and he wanted to so badly, then Harry Potter will never exist. If anything happened to the Weasleys who he had been in contact with in joining their effort ... Then Ronald and Ginny, maybe even the twins will not be born .... Students who were in the group he started had grown up to have children, lead relatively normal lives ..... What if anything happened to them now?

Minerva wondered just how long Snape had been thinking about all this. It was inevitable, really, that he would start to seriously contemplate the implications of changing history, relatively intelligent young man that he was. At least he was getting some of those thoughts out in the open, now. It was far too much for one person to deal with alone. 

“This,” Minerva said matter-of-factly. “Is a large part of why I have always thought Divination was more trouble than it’s objectively worth. We all make decisions that change the course of the lives around us; most of us just remain blissfully unaware of that. Dwelling on possible future outcomes like this will drive you completely mad. In any case, I’d thought you and the Headmaster had already formulated the theory that this timeline is an alternate from the one you know?” Or perhaps it was the other way around. Regardless, the two were apparently separate. “Which would mean that whoever was born in that timeline has continued to exist there, regardless of whether they do here. In any case, you cannot hold yourself solely accountable for the entire world as you know it. Foreknowledge or not, it’s simply unreasonable.”

"We can't know that, though, can we?" He asked. "What if this is, in actuality, my past? If so what happened to the past me? Is he trapped inside my head somewhere? Is he gone? Am I him but simply with the added memories of twenty plus years?" He asked.

“I don’t know,” Minerva said quietly. What he was saying certainly brought up some troubling implications, and she could see in his dark eyes how heavily it all weighed on him. “I am uncertain how to even begin to try to answer that.” As far as she knew, Severus’s situation was completely unprecedented. She doubted that conducting research on that particular question would yield any certain or concrete results; at most, there might be some theoretical writings on the possible implications of long-term time travel, but nothing tested.

Severus sighed and leant back in his chair. "Thank you for coming down here, Minerva ... But I have research I need to do." He said sliding the folded up chess board towards her and standing up to walk her to the door.

“Indeed. It seems you are even busier than I had thought.” Minerva stood up and took the chess board, before walking to the door. “Thank you for permitting me to barge in on you, Severus,” she said, with a tight hint of a smile. “I shall let you know if I find anything that may be of use to you.”

Severus nodded a small smile on his face, though it didn't reach his eyes. "Thank you." He said quietly as she left. He moved back to his chair. More and more people were starting to learn of where he was from ... He shook his head. No one else could know, already it was becoming dangerous.

((A/N - Sorry for the long wait, here's another new chapter. Hope you all enjoy. Please R&R!))


	48. A Lie Could Cost You Everything

Chapter 48

"YOU DID WHAT?!?!?!?!" Severus yelled so loudly his voice echoed through the room of requirement, his face red with anger as he advanced on James.

“I told Remus,” James repeated calmly. He’d already anticipated that Snape would be absolutely livid. But Future Snape had been a spy. He was bound to figure out sooner or later that Remus knew, and would have no doubt been even more furious if James had tried to keep it from him. “He was asking all these questions and had already started working out that something was different. He’d have pieced things together eventually anyway; he’s not as oblivious as I am.”

Severus continued advancing on him, his entire body stiff with anger, his teeth practically bared before he turned and stalked away from him before he did something stupid.

"It really wasn't his fault ..." Remus said meekly, shocked at how scary Severus had suddenly become in his anger. He'd never seen Snape like this before. "I was the one who pried, and really I won't tell anyone ..."

Severus turned to Remus who backed up slightly. He knew Snape wouldn't do anything to him, at least not anything permanent ... But that didn't change the fact that his anger was now redirected onto him. "Just like your good friend Potter said he wouldn't tell anyone?! Or how the headmaster said he wouldn't tell anyone?!" He asked, his voice a fake calm. "It keeps going like this the entire school will know by the time you graduate!"

James rolled his eyes. “The whole school is not going to know,” he said. “Anyway, you know perfectly well that Remus can keep a secret. He’s been keeping a pretty damn big one for years.” Remus glanced away, looking embarrassed that James had brought that up.

Snape groaned as he swung back and, not even bothering to use magic, punched James as hard as he could, his fist connecting with Potter's jaw hard enough the obnoxious, unthinking teen staggered backwards.

“Ow,” James’s hand went to his jaw as he reeled back. Remus put a steadying hand on his shoulder, and James straightened, regaining his balance. He stared back at Snape, more surprised than angry. He’d gotten so used to this new, mature Snape that he hadn’t seen that coming. “Okay, I probably deserved that,” James said, glaring back at him. “But I still stand by my decision that Remus needed to know. And you have to admit, there are worse people I could have told.”

"YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TOLD ANYONE!!!!" Severus yelled whipping out his wand and aiming it at James. Snape paused when the door to the room of requirement clicked open. Severus forced himself to calm down as Lily stepped in pausing when she saw what was going on.

James froze when she walked in, just about to reach for his wand. Remus just gave her an apologetic look. Lily looked back and forth between James and Severus, then said: “What’s Potter done now?”

“I just …” James started to protest but then remembered. Of course. Lily didn’t know. He looked back at Snape. Had he still not changed his mind to tell her? Wouldn’t it be seriously unfair to her if he hadn’t? “Made a leadership decision that Snape didn’t like. The argument got kind of heated.”

“Right,” Remus muttered under his breath. “Just ‘kind of heated.’ ” And the Goblin rebellions had just been kind of unfriendly.

Lily gave James a sceptical look, before turning to Severus. “Can I have a word with you when you’re done here, Sev?”

"Yeah, we're done here." He said thrusting his wand into his sleeve and glaring at Potter. He turned away from him and moved over to Lily. "Sorry about that."

“No you’re not,” said James.

“I wasn’t talking to you,” Snape said over his shoulder. 

Remus tugged on James’s arm. “Come on,” he said quietly. “We should go.” Right now, James and Snape needed some space away from each other to cool down before things got out of hand. And given how much more magically advanced Snape was now … A serious fight between them wouldn’t end well for James.

James looked sulkily over at Lily and Snape. “Right,” he said irritably. “Going,” before he followed Remus out of the Room of Requirement.

Once they were out of the room, Lily looked up at Severus. “You okay?” Even if he’d made himself calm down when she walked in, Sev had still looked absolutely livid. Whatever James had said or done, it had gotten to him.

"Yes, I'm fine. It's nothing that can't be handled. He just decided to make a decision for me. It wasn't his place to do so, and now I have to deal with the consequences." He said taking a deep breath trying to calm himself further.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Lily asked. As upset as he still was, it seemed like this must be a bigger deal than Sev wanted to let on.

"Not really." He actually really did, but he still couldn't tell her .... Not yet. But ..... The longer he kept it from her the more she'd blow up when he finally did tell her ... He glanced up at her ... So many people knew already, would it really hurt for her to know? She had a right to since they were romantically involved but ..... It would put her in danger .... Or at least more danger than she already was. Then again being involved with him at all put her in danger .... God he was so confused .... He wanted to tell her so badly but .... Where would he even start?

“Sev?” Lily asked gently, touching her hand to the side of his face. He said he didn’t want to talk about it, but … he just looked so conflicted. And if he couldn’t talk to her about it, then who could he talk to? “What’s wrong?”

Severus sighed. "Don't ask me that .... Please don't ask me that ..." Severus said closing his eyes. "I want to tell you but ....." Severus enjoyed the feeling of her hand on his cheek but forced himself to back away. "You'll hate me if I do."

Lily looked up at him, confused. Hadn’t they already managed to get past anything that could have made her hate him? Why did he suddenly think she was going to now? “Sev,” she said quietly. “How can I help if I don’t know what’s going on?”

Severus laughed almost bitterly, more at the situation than her comment. "Believe me .... You can't help." He said hating himself for saying that, he knew it would only make her press harder.

“Yeah, I’ve been getting that message a lot lately,” Lily said darkly. She’d been feeling frustratingly useless for awhile now. It seemed like every attempt she made to help, whether it was for the resistance or for her mother, she always hit a dead end. Everyone seemed to be doing something useful except her. But she’d at least been able to be there for Severus. That was something she could still do… if he let her. “Just… talk to me, Sev. Please.”

Severus opened his eyes again and motioned her over to a couch that appeared in the room that had become smaller to accommodate what they needed. "I've wanted to tell you for a long time now but ... It's dangerous, for both of us. But more and more people are finding out and ...." He paused and shook his head as he sat down. "You might want to sit down, this may take a while."

Lily went and sat down on the couch. “Okay, then,” she said, looking up at him. “Take all the time you need.” She was out of classes for today, and this was clearly important.

Severus sighed again, "I don't even know where to start." He said, even though he's told this to a few people he still didn't know where to start. "I'm .... Well I'm not exactly who you think I am. I'm sure you've seen a huge change in me since I woke up in the hospital wing last year ... I know you've been suspicious. A few people have actually ...."

“Well… yes,” Lily admitted. “You’ve … changed a lot since then, and really suddenly.” But she’d always assumed that was his reaction to his near-death experience in the Shrieking Shack, that it had just put his priorities into perspective. “But… you’re still you, Sev.”

Severus smiled slightly, though as usual it didn't reach his eyes. "Yes, I am .... But not the Severus you remember .... When I woke up in the hospital wing I was surprised at where I was .... Or more accurately when I was." Severus said quietly. "Before I woke up in the hospital wing .... The last thing I remember was bleeding to death in the floor of the shrieking shack .... In May of 1998."

Lily shook her head, confused. “So… you had a dream that it was 1998?”

"No .... I mean I lived my entire life up until the year 1998 ..... I died and woke up here ....." He said. "Things are already going very differently .... Believe me if it wasn't, we wouldn't be sitting here right now." He said sadly. "It's also how we caught your mother's cancer ..... I know how she died, and it's why I convinced your father to make her go see a doctor."

“But…” Lily stared at him, trying to wrap her head around this. “So… you’re telling me this wasn’t just a vision or something? You actually… lived out this whole other life?”

"All twenty two extra years of it .... I .... I made a lot of mistakes in that time but .... I'm changing it .... I'm trying to fix all the mistakes I made .... Do things differently ...." He said chancing a look up at her. So far he'd only lied to her ... He hadn't told her what he'd done .... He hadn't told her that he became a death eater .... killed her and her husband .... How did he tell her that?

“Twenty-two years?” Lily repeated in disbelief, her face pale. “Severus, you must have been almost forty years old! And … and we …” She looked away from him, not sure what to do with this information. Granted, he was her age again now, but … but what did that even mean? After she’d finally thought he was done keeping secrets from her … now she found out that he’d neglected to mention this. She looked back at him angrily. “Don’t you think that maybe I deserved to know this sooner!?” She thought back on the angry stare-down between Severus and Potter that she’d just walked in on. “Oh my God,” she whispered. “Potter knew, didn’t he? You told James bloody Potter this, but you didn’t tell me!”

"Lily I have a lot of information that could be useful to the Dark Lord! If anyone found out .... If you found out ....." Severus paused realising how badly this was going. "They'd go through you to get to me! If anything happened to you again I couldn't -" he froze when he realise what he'd said .... He was starting to panic, he needed to calm down ... Talk about this rationally.

“You still should have told me!” Lily shouted. “Am I seriously supposed to believe that you were oh-so-nobly concerned for my safety, but you still had no qualms about pursuing a relationship with me? Did you really think I needed to be kept in the dark about this?” She glared back at him. “And what do you mean ‘again’?”

Severus felt his entire body go numb. "Do you really think that little of me?" He asked looking like she'd just slapped him in the face. "Do you honestly think I kept this from you to hurt you? I'd rather die than do that ...." He said feeling tears come to his eyes. "Don't you understand? I've lived for another twenty-two years in a future you don't want to see! I've seen many people die that shouldn't have .... Yourself included ..... I couldn't live through that again." He said starting to sound more upset by the minute. "I know I should have told you .... But I'm scared ... Terrified even .... I've seen what's supposed to happen .... I've lived through things you couldn't even start to imagine .... And it could happen again!" He looked at her with the most hurtful desperate look despite his attempt to calm himself down. "I know I should have told you but ...... I don't want to see you die .... Not because of me .... Not again."

“You still lied to me,” she whispered, fighting back angry tears. She wanted to believe he hadn’t meant to hurt her, wanted to believe that he was sincere, but … whatever his intentions had been, the effect was still the same. He’d kept her in the dark about something this important. She felt used and betrayed and she didn’t know what to believe anymore. She took a steadying breath, then asked: “You referred to him as the Dark Lord.” Her voice was shaking. “What else are you not telling me?”

Severus was silent for a moment. "I told you I made a lot of mistakes ...." Severus said quietly. "I became a death eater when I was nineteen .... Two years later you were targeted because of my stupidity .... You and your husband died and I became a spy for Dumbledore. Instead of serving one master I served two .... I risked my life nearly every day trying to bring important information to Dumbledore all the while giving false or partially true information to Voldemort..."

Nineteen? That wasn’t that far off. It made sense, in a way. This time last year, hadn’t she been worried that he was headed down that path? That she was losing her friend? That the Severus she’d always known was becoming someone else? If things had gone differently… Was it that hard to believe? But this… She didn’t even know how to react to this.

“So,” she said very quietly, not trusting her voice right now. “You were a Death Eater … You got me killed, and … and I was married to someone else who you conveniently forgot to mention?” Everything about this was so incredibly wrong. If he’d just told her this before, then … then … she didn’t even know how she would have reacted. But the fact that he’d deliberately kept this all from her was just deranged. “When exactly did you plan on telling me this?” she asked, standing up from the couch and putting a few steps between herself and him. “Or did you just hope I’d never find out at all?”

"I had every intention of telling you, but ... I wanted to tell you when it was safe to. I'm the one who went to Dumbledore it was his idea that no one should know .... The only people who knew to start was Dumbledore and Potter and I didn't even want Potter to know but it was a necessity for this group to start .... Then Dumbledore went and told Minerva and Potter went and told Remus and your dad knows because I had to convince him to get your mum to see a doctor and ..... It just all got out of control. I could have kept it from you indefinitely but I would never do that." He said looking up at her where she stood. "I wanted to wait until it was safe to tell you, but ..... I hadn't expected to take our relationship as far as it had .... At least not until after I've told you I just ....." Severus looked down at the ground. "I'm sorry." He said, and when he'd said it he felt as if he were back in his original time, threatening to sleep outside the Gryffindor portrait hole to get her to talk to him, begging her for another chance, begging her to forgive him.

Lily turned to face him. “And how exactly am I supposed to respond to that?” she asked, tears running down her face. “I trusted you! No matter what your reasons or intentions were, I can’t believe you’d keep something like this from me!” She looked away. “I … need some time to think about this.” She turned to head toward the door, her hands shaking from anger and fear and confusion.

Severus stood up from the couch as she made her way towards the door. "Lily ..." He said jogging to catch up to her, "Lily, please .... Don't walk away from me again ..." And there was that word again ..... Everything for him was 'again' but for her everything was the first time .... "Lily I'm sorry!" He said grabbing onto her arm a little harder than he had intended to.

 

“Let go!” Lily turned, trying to jerk her arm out of his grip, and slapped him in the face with her other hand. “Don’t touch me,” she said, her voice quiet but filled with anger. “And don’t tell me what to do.” She couldn’t process any of this with Severus looking at her like that. Right now, she just needed to be as far away from him as possible to try to figure things out. 

Severus staggered back, more out of shock than the force of the hit, though she had slapped him hard enough a nice red hand print was quickly forming on his face. He looked at her, fear clear in his face before he backed up. He'd never seen her look at him that way .... He'd never seen her look at anyone that way before ..... He opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something but couldn't find anything to say.

She hated how shocked and scared he looked. And she hated that she felt bad about it. It just made her even more confused about everything. He was the one who had lied to her, and hadn’t given her the chance to decide for herself whether she was alright with all of this. She looked away. “I just … need to think this through for myself,” she said. “Just … leave me alone and let me do that.”

Severus stared at her her for a moment before swallowing the lump in his throat. He didn't say anything as he nodded, before slipping out of the room and storming angrily down the hall. It was all falling apart again ....

He paused when he saw two teens in a nook in the hall and pulled them both out, deducting fifty points each for indecent displays, he didn't care if they were both from his own house.

Once he was gone, Lily leant against the wall and sank to the floor, burying her face in her hands. She didn’t know what to do, or what to believe. She couldn’t just get past the fact that Severus had lied to her and move on. She went from dating someone she’d known for most of her life to finding out that she was dating a stranger, who’d kept a whole other life a secret from her. As for the things he’d done in this other life … she didn’t even know how to feel about that. Here and now, in this time, Severus hadn’t done any of those things yet, and he was trying to make it right … or so he said. She kept coming back to the fact that he’d lied to her. How could she trust anything he said anymore? She didn’t know if they would ever be able to get past that.

James looked up as he saw Snape storm past him looking even more pissed off than when he had left.

"Sn- Professor wha-"

"Fuck off Potter!!!!" He said making James pause. It was very inappropriate for a professor to swear in front of students. A few students jumped out of his way as he made his way toward the dungeons before he paused. His rooms weren't in the dungeons anymore. He groaned in frustration before he turned and headed towards his room, students watching him in confusion but no one dared get in his way.

James climbed the stairs up to the seventh floor and headed towards the room of requirement. It took a few minutes for the room to let him in and when he entered he was shocked at what he saw.

No .... There was no way Snape would have ..... Not after he'd told him about his abusive home life he wouldn't ..... Then again people who are abused are statistically more likely to do it to someone else.

He ran over to Lily and crouched down next to her. "Lily? Lily are you okay? What happened? Did he hit you?"

Lily looked up at James, hastily shoving tears away, but her eyes were still red from crying. “What?” she said, confused and irritated that Potter was suddenly intruding. “No, no he didn’t hit me. Though actually, I slapped him, so …” she shook her head. She was rambling. And to Potter of all people. “Just go away, Potter.”

"What happened?" James asked, more concerned for her than Snivellus ... He was sure whatever Lily slapped him for he deserved it.

“He … I just .... found out some things that he should have told me a long time ago …” she paused and gave James a suspicious look. “Actually, you knew at least some of it, didn’t you. And you never said a word either.” Which was strange, now that she thought about it. She’d have thought that James would have just loved to warn her about Severus’s other life.

Did Snape? No, he wouldn't have ... "What did he tell you?" He asked.

“He … didn’t want to talk about it,” Lily said. “But he told me about his … other life. I get why he wouldn’t want to talk about it, I really do, but … but I think I deserved to know some of this before …” This whole conversation was just bizarre. It was weird that James was just about the only person who knew that she and Severus were together. And one of a handful who knew about Severus’s past. She looked at him accusingly. “And you never bothered to mention it either, so just go mind your own business now.”

James looked shocked at her sudden turn on him. "Honestly, would you have believed me if I told you? Besides I had Dumbeldore swear me to secrecy or Snape would obliviate me .... The only reason I know is because Snape picked me to lead this thing ... He knew no one would listen to him, which is why he started training me, so that I could start training others."

“That didn’t stop you from telling Remus,” Lily pointed out, then sighed. “You’re right, though. I wouldn’t have believed it, not coming from you.” There was no denying that James had always been more than a little biased against Snape. “I just … can’t believe he would keep something like this from me.”

"I can .... He's a right git that guy .... But whether he told you or not I think he is really trying to change .... It doesn't change the fact that he didn't tell you though. Especially since I practically walked in on you two .... I'd be pretty pissed off if I found out I was sleeping with a forty-year-old too."

Lily’s face went red with anger and embarrassment. “Excuse you!” she said indignantly. “Who says I’ve been sleeping with him!? Things haven’t gotten that far and … and it wouldn’t be your business if they had!” 

Though, really, even if things hadn’t gone quite that far, hadn’t they been moving in that direction? James had hit directly at the heart of the problem; she wasn’t sure how to even classify Severus’s age now that he’d lived out another life into adulthood, only to wake up as a teenager again. But because she hadn’t known about this at all, she hadn’t been able to decide for herself how she felt about it, or what was right for her. She felt as if she’d been manipulated … as if the whole relationship was built on a false pretence.

"Alright, Alright, I'm sorry ... It just looked like ..... Never mind ...." James said reaching his hand out to touch her shoulder comfortingly. "Are you okay?" He asked. "I can go hex him if you like." He said jokingly.

Lily stiffened slightly when James touched her, but then relaxed slightly. He really did seem like he was just trying to help … as biased on the subject as he might be. And who else was she going to talk to about this? Dumbledore had chosen to keep her in the dark about this, just like everyone else, and she couldn’t very well admit to the Headmaster that she and Severus were dating. The other girls in Gryffindor weren’t talking to her, because they assumed the same thing James had, and they couldn’t even be trusted with idle gossip, let alone secrets that were vital to the resistance. Her dad… wasn’t here, and hadn’t told her either. No wonder he’d been so disapproving… but why hadn’t he said anything about this?

“No, don’t hex him,” Lily sighed. He sounded like he was joking, but … this was James Potter, after all. She couldn’t quite be sure. “It’s just … He was the only one I could really talk to, lately. I could trust him. And now … now I find out all of this.” She didn’t know what to do anymore.

James sighed and patted her shoulder. "I doubt he did this to hurt you ... But he is still a right git for not telling you. What did he tell you anyway?"

“Just… that he became a Death Eater at 19,” Lily said, her voice shaking slightly. “That something he did accidentally caused me to be targeted.” She firmly believed that he hadn’t meant for it to happen. Even knowing what he’d kept from her, even if he had been a Death Eater, she still didn’t want to believe that Severus would ever have intentionally caused her harm. “Which apparently got me and whoever I was married to killed …” She looked over at James bitterly. “Oh, and that’s another thing he’d neglected to tell me before we started dating. Apparently, in this… this other timeline, I ended up marrying someone else.”

James paused. "You and your husband were killed?" James asked, two and two starting to come together enough for him to have his suspicions. "Snape told me that me and my wife were killed, but wouldn't tell me who my wife was ...." He glanced at her. "You don't think ...."

“What? No,” she said quickly. “Definitely not. That’s just your ego talking, Potter.” Trust James to come to that conclusion … But then, it would explain why Severus hadn’t mentioned to either of them who their spouse was. And why he’d been so irrationally jealous anytime she talked to Potter, even though she’d never returned James’s interest. She went slightly pale, but shook her head and repeated: “Absolutely, definitely not.” 

James took his hand away from Lily's shoulder. "Is it really that hard to imagine? Even Snape had admitted I'd matured a lot ... It's why he chose me to lead this thing ...." He said quietly. "Why else wouldn't he tell us who our spouses are?"

Lily shook her head. “That doesn’t mean I’m automatically going to fall in love with you,” she said, crossing her arms uncomfortably. She didn’t like the idea that any of this was predestined. “Who says I have to end up with either one of you?”

"I never said you did ... It was just a thought." He said. "It just seems odd that me and my wife died, and you and your husband died, but he won't tell either of us who our spouse is? He's keeping that from us, doesn't that even sound remotely suspicious?" James asked now wanting his own answers from Snape. "Did he tell you anything else?"

Lily shook her head. “No,” she said. “I … didn’t really give him the chance to say much more. I was just so angry …” And she hated to admit that James’s theory made any degree of sense. She was even more confused now than she’d been before. “I need to think about this,” she said, standing up to leave. “And, um …” she paused, still feeling weird about the whole conversation. “Thank you for listening, James.”

James nearly flinched, she called him James. She didn't call him Potter this time .... She called him James. A smile came to his face ... "Sure ... Anytime!" He said standing up. Perhaps since he was in the room of requirement anyway he'd try to reach Snape's mark on the post again. He'd respect her wishes to be alone for now, after all, she'd been given a lot to think about right now. "You know where to find me if you need to talk."

Lily nodded. “Thank you.” Before this could get any more awkward, she turned and walked out the door, still overwhelmed by her own thoughts.

((A/N -- I just couldn't wait to post the next chapter. So here you go. :D Please comment and leave kudos, anything really. We feed off of them!))


	49. Lightning Struck My Brain

Chapter 49

Severus listened quietly to Minerva's idle chit chat about whatever had happened in the staff room during the meeting he'd missed last night. His mind had been elsewhere, and he really didn't care about what had happened at the meeting. It had been two weeks since Lily had even looked at him, let alone talked to him. It was happening all over again. He mentally kicked himself for keeping everything from her ... He should have told her.

Lily walked into the Great Hall, her arms full of books from the library, everything she’d been able to find in the Mediwizardry research section that might prove at all helpful. Since her falling out with Severus, she assumed that she was on her own now in trying to find out what she could for her mother. She’d been up late into the night for weeks, hitting one dead end after another. As she neared the Gryffindor table, James waved to her, and gestured to an empty seat next to him.

Lily hesitated, then nodded, going over to join him.

Severus looked up as Lily came into the great hall, watched her go over to sit next to Potter. His frown deepened as he looked down at his plate. It seemed she had no problem just moving on .... A mere two weeks and fate had her going back to him.

Severus tossed his fork down, the metal clattering against his plate, Minerva sputtering in surprise as he stood up and walked out of the staff door.

Lily glanced over her shoulder to see Severus storming out furiously. She looked away, fixing her eyes on the table. The more she thought about it, the more evidence there was to confirm James’s suspicion … and she still wasn’t any closer to deciding what to do. She was still furious at Severus. And lately, James was just the only person she could talk to about all of this.

Snape made a quick detour to his rooms to fetch his books. Since it was Sunday he once again had a day of detention with Black.

He grabbed a stack of books he thought might be useful, a notebook and an ink pen and headed out to the forest. He was actually surprised to see Sirius there, laying on the grass tossing a ball up into the air and catching it over and over again.

"You're oddly punctual." Snape said tossing his books down next to his usual sitting spot. "Get up .... Give me your wand!" He snapped.

Sirius caught the ball again, set it down on the ground next to him, and rose to his feet. “Yeah, well,” he said, pulling his wand out of his sleeve and grudgingly handing it over. “I didn’t really have anywhere better to be.”

"Then quit wasting time and get that dagger down." He said sitting down with his books and flipping the first one open in his lap. There had to be something pertaining to a cure, or something that could lead to a cure.

Sirius sighed. “Right…” he said. He absolutely loathed that stupid dagger stuck in the stupid tree. But he needed to get back to his pointless, impossible task as soon as possible, or Snivellus would send him packing. He glanced down at the books. “What are you reading there?” he asked.

Snape looked up at Sirius, his eyebrows raised. "Are you kidding? Get to work!" Severus said waving him off and turning back to his book.

“I’m sure that’ll go just about as well as it always does,” said Sirius, his curiosity peaked now by the simple fact that Snape didn’t want to tell him. “Since you have yet to even hint at how you expect me to do that, and I get the impression you have something specific in mind.” That, or it really was just an impossible task. He wasn’t quite sure. “For all I know, the books might be a clue.”

"They have nothing to do with you .... Now get to work or would you prefer me going back to the school? Believe you me I'd rather be studying in the library." He said, knowing Sirius knew what that was implying.

Sirius glared at Snape. “Fine. I was just wondering,” he said irritably. 

He once again set about trying to get the stupid knife down. So far, he’d tried everything from throwing rocks at it, to unsuccessfully attempting wandless magic, to climbing the nearby trees around it, in the hopes that he could find a way across from other trees into this one … That last one had nearly ended in breaking his neck. He didn’t have any new ideas at the moment, but needed to still be noticeably trying … so he was back to throwing rocks again, while he tried to think of something else.

“For the record, though,” he said. “You’re a really shitty teacher.”

"Actually, for the record," Severus imitated him. "I'm a fantastic teacher ... I just don't like you." Snape said not taking his eyes off his book.

Sirius shot another glare Snape’s way, a rock in his hand ready to throw. It would have been so easy to just throw it at Snape’s greasy head instead, but that would have ended badly. He flung it at the dagger in the tree instead, once again predictably falling short of his target. “Seriously, though, what’s with the medical research books?” he asked, picking up another rock before he could be accused of slacking off. “Seems like it doesn’t have much to do with you either.”

Severus sighed. He knew once Black wanted to know something he'd annoy him into telling him anyway. "I'm doing research into a cure for cancer, or at least finding out why we have no information regarding it .... With how far advanced we are in magical healing, we should have something regarding it but, there's nothing."

Sirius frowned as he flung the rock as hard as the could at the tree. Snape would know if he wasn’t trying. “That’s kind of a random hobby, especially for you.” He guessed maybe it was weird that there was no magical approach to cancer … but now that he thought about it, most people he’d ever heard talking about losing someone to cancer seemed to be Muggleborns. He’d always assumed that was for the same reason that Muggleborns talked about losing loved ones to any disease or injury, that Muggle medicine just wasn’t advanced enough to handle it. But now that he thought about it, he’d never actually known anybody with cancer.

“Maybe cancer’s just a Muggle thing,” Sirius said, thinking out loud. “Maybe having magic just automatically keeps you from getting it.”

Severus looked up at Sirius, one eyebrow raised. What did that have to do with anything? The only difference between muggles and wizards was-

Severus paused. "I've been looking for the wrong thing." He said gathering up his books. "Black you're a genius! I could kiss you!" He said shoving the books into his bag. "You're dismissed for the week .... Have Potter show you how to get that dagger down!" He said as he took off in a run towards the school. It was so obvious, how could he be so stupid?!

Sirius backed away, completely unnerved by Snape’s reaction. At first, he’d thought it was sarcasm, until Snape started shoving books into his bag.

“What the hell are you talking about?!” Sirius called after him. “James isn’t going to show me how to do anything; he’s not even talking to me. This is a trick, isn’t it? To get me to leave detention?” He had no idea what to make of this.

"Tell him I told you to get him!" He yelled back at him.

“Sure,” Sirius muttered under his breath. “I’m sure he’ll definitely listen to me.”

The whole interaction had just been confusing. Why would Snape even care about curing a disease if it solely affected Muggles? Or curing any disease at all, for that matter? Why would it concern Snape in the first place? It just didn’t make any sense. Still, Sirius wasn’t exactly in a position to stand around questioning it. He picked up his things and started walking back to the castle.

He arrived in the Gryffindor Common Room, nowhere near the level of fatigue he’d normally be experiencing after a detention with Snape. He found James, Lily, and Remus sitting by the fireplace, evidently working on their Potions homework.

“Okay ... this is going to sound weird,” said Sirius tentatively. “But Snape wanted me to ask James something.”

James glanced up at Sirius and rolled his eyes. "Nice try .... Go away." James said turning back to his homework again. Remus glanced between the two a moment before continuing to write in his notebook.

Lily didn’t even look up from her book at him. No matter how angry she was with Severus, she could never forgive Black for what he’d done to him. And the only way she’d been able to exercise enough self-control not to hex him on sight was by studiously ignoring him.

“Oh, come on!” Sirius threw up his arms in frustration. “Don’t you think I know that sounds unbelievable? Do you really think I’d make up something that stupid-sounding? Maybe none of you have noticed, but he’s been acting really weird lately. All I know is he said he suddenly had to leave and that I was supposed to ask you how to get the knife down. Though why you would even know is beyond me.”

James glanced up at him. "So what you're telling me is, he stepped away for a moment, you came running here to find out how to do it, and are going to rush back before he gets there?" James asked annoyed.

“What? No,” Sirius said, exasperated. “He told me to go ask you, okay? It doesn’t make any sense to me either, but he controls whether I get expelled or not, so if he tells me to do something, I’m not about to sit around questioning it. You can ask him about it yourself if you want to, if you can get him to look up from his research project to respond; I think he ran off to the library.”

For the first time, Lily looked up from her book at Sirius. The sight of his face still made her want to punch him, but she ignored that impulse for now. “What research project?” she asked.

“I don’t know, something about Muggles and cancer,” said Sirius. “He was complaining about how there was no magical research into a cure, and then I made some offhanded comment, and he jumped up like he’d just been struck by lightning, going on about how he’d been looking at the problem wrong or something, and then told me to ask James about the stupid knife in the stupid tree.”

James looked up at Sirius again before glancing at Lily. "Go look for him ... If he's found anything you should be there with him .... Even if you are pissed at him still, it's your mom." He whispered to her so only she heard. "Fine ..." He said to Sirius standing up. "I'll waste my Saturday supervising your bloody detention. But I'm not doing it for you!"

Lily nodded, a little stunned. “Yes,” she said quietly. “I’ll … I’ll go talk to him.” She hadn’t even expected Severus to keep looking, let alone to actually find anything. She got up and hurried out of the portrait hole, abandoning her books and parchment by the chair where she’d been sitting.

“Yeah, I know you’re not doing it for me,” Sirius muttered, crossing his arms. “Let’s just go get this over with.”

Remus picked up his books to follow them. “I should probably come along,” he sighed. “Make sure neither of you ends up killing the other.”

James nodded to Remus as they followed Sirius out to his dagger.


	50. Thinking So Little

Severus piled a few books on the table in the restricted section, looking through the spines of the books before pulling one out of the stack. He flipped it open and started looking through it. If he could find enough evidence .... ANY evidence to support his theory .... Then there may be a chance of saving Heather. Be he wouldn't know for sure ... Nothing was concrete ... Not yet.

Roughly an hour later, Lily had looked everywhere for Severus. At first she’d checked the library, but not seeing him in any of the sections that made the most sense, went to go check his room. He wasn’t there either … or just wasn’t answering when she knocked. It had taken her awhile to be sure. After reconsidering where he might be, it occurred to her that Severus could be in the Restricted section. They were, after all, researching in uncharted territory. After spending First through Fifth year strictly forbidden from entering the Restricted Section, even now as a sixth year, she tended to forget that it was there. She made her way back to the library, her anxiety mounting as she quietly neared the Restricted Section.

She hadn’t even talked to him in two weeks. And from the way he stormed about in a rage, he clearly seemed to think that something was going on between her and James. And now … now she was coming to him for help. She could certainly imagine how that would look. They really should talk about everything else, but … she still wasn’t sure what to say or think or do about it.

When she peered tentatively around the first bookcase in the Restricted section, she found Severus sitting there at a table, open books spread out in every direction. Her stomach tied into a thousand nervous knots, before she took a deep breath and said very quietly: “Severus?”

Severus froze and slowly looked up at her, the only thing moving his eyes. "What do you want?" He asked looking back down at the book and jotting something down into his notebook full of research and theories.

“I …” Lily stammered uncertainly. He hadn’t been this surly with her in a long time. “I … heard that you might have found something. And … I wanted to know if I could help.”

Severus flipped the page of the book and ran his finger over the text. "You haven't spoken to me in two weeks ... And this is why you've come to talk to me?" He asked. "Let me guess, you were with Potter when Black went to go fetch him and he told you I had an idea but didn't know what I was on about ..." He asked though he didn't need to hear her say it to know the answer. "I'm sorry to say I don't have any answers for you .... Why don't you run along, I'm sure your boyfriend misses you."

Lily’s hands clenched into fists at her sides. “You should know I don’t move that fast,” she said heatedly. Again, she wondered if James was right about them in the other timeline. But she didn’t want to think about that right now. “I’ve come up with nothing on my own, and I didn’t even think you were still looking, but if you’ve found anything at all, please I need to know.”

Severus slammed his pen down on the table under his hand and looked up at her. "You really do think that little of me!" He said. Before it was a question, now it's become a statement. "Do you really think I'd stand by and let your mother die just because you stopped talking to me?!" He asked angry that she would even think that.

Lily flinched. “I didn’t know what to think!” she admitted, her eyes starting to tear up. “But given the circumstances, it occurred to me that you might find it unfair for me to still expect it from you. First you’re mad at me for coming to you for help, now you’re mad at me for thinking you wouldn’t! I wish you’d make up your damn mind!” She had to take a moment to pause and glance away, just to keep from breaking down right there in the library. “But if … if you’ve found something, anything, even just a step in the right direction …” She made herself look back at him, her voice shaking. “Please. I need to know.”

"That's two entirely different things, there's nothing to make up my mind about!" Severus said calming down as Madam Pince stuck her head around the corner to give them a dirty look. Severus remained silent until she left. "I have a theory ... An idea really but nothing concrete." He said though he still sounded highly annoyed. Who did she think she was? She thought she could just toss him to the side and then just come to him when he was convenient? That sounded awfully Slytherin of her ....

She took a calming breath. “Okay,” she said. “So … an idea at least is better than what we had before.” Which was nothing. “So … What’s your idea? And how can I help?”

"You can't help ... Like I said I don't have much information. I have a theory that the reason why wizards and witches don't get cancer is because of the natural chakra in our bodies. Our magic prevents it from developing. Instead of looking for a cure, we should be looking for a preventative .... Something that can stop it, and with any luck reversing it. Like you said in our first meeting .... Muggles have known about chakra for centuries, but not exactly what it does. I always thought that muggles don't have access to their chakra networks but I was wrong." He said turning a book towards her. "They have access to it, but it's so minimal they hardly know it's there." He explained, suddenly going into teacher mode. "So for example if we put our magic into a percentage, we'd be at 100% ... Whereas a muggle may be at 1-2%. If we can find a way to activate her chakra network .... It may be able to fight for her .... Keeping in mind this is just a theory."

Lily’s eyes widened at what she was hearing. “That’s … revolutionary,” she said. “No wonder you’re in the Restricted section; if that’s even possible, there’s no telling what effects that might have … It could be extremely dangerous.”

"It would be .... If we did do it, it would have to be when her body is still strong enough the handle it ... But it would also have to be a last resort.... Putting any kind of strain on a Muggle’s chakra network could kill her .... And I have no idea what it would do to me .... You do know what that means right?"

Lily swallowed. “That … could mean Azkaban.” If they tried this and it failed … not only would she still lose her mother, but they would technically have killed a Muggle with magic. There was no gray area in Wizarding law for that. Even if they tried this and it succeeded, if word got out, there could still be similar consequences. They were talking about tampering with a person’s very life force. To most people, this would look suspiciously like Dark magic. “I … agree that this would absolutely have to be a last resort. Things still aren’t that desperate yet.”

"That would mean Azkaban for me ... They wouldn't punish you, I'd take the full blame. It would be me doing it after all ..." He said quietly. "I'll see what I can find on actually being able to do this ... But it will ultimately be your parents’ decision ... I'd have to talk to them .... Make them aware of the risks and it would be up to them."

Lily crossed her arms. “It should be their decision,” she agreed. “If it ever comes down to that. But we’re both in on this now. If you think you’re going to take this on alone, you’ve got another thing coming. At least let me help you with the research part? Now that you actually have some idea of what you’re searching for? I can look through books as well as you can, and my notes have always been neater.” She was quiet for a moment, then added heatedly: “And if you really expect me to just stand back and let you take the fall for this on your own, then … I guess your opinion of me has sunk pretty low lately.”

"If I do this you will stand back and let me take the blame because I am not doing all this just for you to end up in Azkaban .... I've been there before, I can handle it .... But I don't want you throwing your life away over this. Could you imagine your mum if she lived and realized you had to pay with your life to do so?" He asked. "You might not be dead, but on such a charge like that, using dark magic on a muggle .... She'd never see you again."

Lily wanted to argue with that, but she really couldn’t. If it ever came down to it, she could argue the point with him later. She wondered if he thought she’d be just fine if he was locked away in Azkaban. Even as angry as she still was with him, the thought was completely abhorrent to her.

“I’m still helping with the research part,” she insisted stubbornly, then sighed and said: “Look … We really need to talk about everything else as well. I’m still angry about it, but … There’s still a lot that I don’t understand.”

Severus sat back in his chair. "That makes two of us." He said simply.

Lily sat down in another chair across the table. “I think … It might help me to sort through all of this, to understand better if … if I could see some of your memories,” she said, looking steadily back at him across the table, trying hard to ignore the awkwardness and tension and hurt between them. “From your old life.”

Severus regarded her silently for a moment before he finally spoke. "And what exactly are you expecting to see? What do you want to get from that? There's nothing good in here." He said tapping his temple for emphasis. "Not from that time ..."

“Maybe not,” Lily said, crossing her arms. “But I still need to see. I’ve known you since we were kids. I thought I was dating my best friend, but now … You’ve lived this whole other life that I can’t even comprehend. I don’t know you the way that I thought I did. And if that’s going to change, I need to see. I need to understand.”

Severus remained silent again for a moment before he nodded. "Very well ... But if you're going to see anything ... You'll see it all. Not just what you want to see ...."

“Okay,” Lily agreed, surprised that Severus would insist on that. After all, this had started with him keeping things from her. “That’s what I wanted anyway.” She didn’t expect what she saw to be easy to deal with. But if it was a part of what had made Severus who he was now, then she needed to understand it.

"Fine ... Meet me by Dumbledore’s office before dinner starts. Don't get there until five fifty five at the earliest, he usually leaves his office at five fifty."

Lily nodded. “Alright,” she said. She gestured down at some of the books spread across the table. “Are there any of those I could start looking through?” she asked. She was serious about wanting to help in whatever way she could. She needed to.

Severus handed one of the books to her, though when she reached for he didn't let go. "Just make one thing clear for me Lily ....." He said quietly. "I know this is all very difficult and confusing for you and I understand why you broke up with me ... But are we still friends?"

Lily looked back into those dark eyes she’d thought she knew so well, even more troubled and conflicted with each passing moment that he was near her. She hadn’t thought of it officially as a break-up, but … wasn’t that an accurate description? Even if she eventually managed to stop being angry about the way he’d deceived her, she didn’t know whether she could really trust him with such an intimate relationship again. She still wasn’t sure what she would have done if she’d known all of this before they’d started dating. Would they have even been together in the first place? She couldn’t decide for sure; her thoughts on the matter were still too clouded by how angry she was. So she wouldn’t argue with his assumption that they’d broken up; it would only complicate things more.

Yet, even as furious with him as she still was, even as much as it hurt and confused her to see him again… she hated the idea of losing him forever. In a way, she felt like she already had. Was some part of him still the person she’d known before he woke up in the Hospital Wing? Or was her Sev simply gone? She was afraid to ask him that; he probably didn’t have the answer anyway. Yet, either way, she knew that she she wouldn’t feel this angry or this hurt if she didn’t still care about him.

“Yes, Sev,” Lily said in barely above a whisper. “I’m more angry at you than I’ve ever been, but … we’re still friends.”

Severus visibly relaxed and smiled slightly. "Believe me, you've been angrier." He said as if it were a matter of fact. "But I have to ask Lily .... If our roles were reversed .... If you knew the information you had could put me in danger or worse .... Would you have told me?"

“I don’t honestly know the answer to that,” Lily admitted. “But I do know it was wrong of you to pursue a relationship with me without telling me first. And you ended up telling me eventually anyway, so … what exactly did that accomplish?”

"I know ... That was selfish of me .... I know that. I knew that from the beginning but .... Maybe once you see, you'll understand." He said. "Even if you don't want to be my friend anymore or, talk to me ever again or even look at me ....... Maybe you'll understand."

“I told you we’re still friends,” she said uncomfortably. “You didn’t tell me when you should have, but … You still told me eventually. That doesn’t make it okay, but … it’s still something.” If he hadn’t … If she’d found out some other way, she doubted she’d even be talking to him right now. She tugged on the book that he still hadn’t let go. “I’ll see you this evening.”

Severus let go of the book and turned back on his own. "Until then." He said finishing the sentence he'd written before.


	51. Don't look away

At about 5:55, Lily made her way to Dumbledore’s office, with notes from her reading in hand. She’d had to put the book back in the Restricted section before leaving the library; any attempt to check it out would have led to suspicious questions from Madame Pince, and with what was at stake, they simply couldn’t risk anyone figuring out what Severus was trying to do. Upon arriving, she remembered that she didn’t know the password to get up the staircase. Hopefully Severus would have accounted for that.

It was mere minutes later that Severus arrived at Dumbledore's office, his usual black teaching robes hanging around him making him look more bat like than ever. He muttered the password and walked past her. He left the lights out as he used his wand to pull the penseive from its cupboard. "Are you sure you want to do this?"

“Completely,” Lily said, her expression calm and determined, though she was beyond nervous about what she would see. Severus had been a Death Eater, after all. This wasn’t going to be pretty. But she needed to understand.

Severus put the tip of his wand to his temple, pulling out a large thick silvery strand and placed it into the penseive. "Ladies first." He said indicating the penseive.

Lily nodded and, before she could give herself a chance to hesitate, leaned forward into the bowl.

Severus followed after her, they tumbled end over end until they landed in a field on a bright sunny day.

"Snape!" Severus looked over to see James and Sirius approaching his younger self.

"OWLs." Snape explained to Lily. "What should have happened ..... Where everything went wrong."

Lily glanced over at the Severus who had accompanied her there. “Things fell apart that soon?” she asked, surprised. For some reason, she’d expected to immediately see visions of an older Severus, not a familiar one who was half a year younger. But … it made some sense, she supposed. And about that time, she’d been worried about the path he was on.

Parts of the scene were familiar, though from her recollection, Potter hadn’t been involved. Had Severus gotten to him that early? She winced as she watched as the scene played out, not yet seeing anything out of the ordinary, nothing that would mark this as a turning point. Potter and Black were tormenting him unforgivably, but they had always done that. She watched herself from half a year ago storm in, wand drawn, furiously trying to put a stop to it, and Potter being his usual sickening self. She scowled in furious disgust. She certainly did not miss this version of Potter in the slightest.

Severus watched his younger self, clearly pained, humiliated and hurting. Unthinking. "I don't need help from a Mudblood!" He said angrily.

Lily physically recoiled from the scene. She couldn’t have been more shocked if he’d hit her, either in the memory or now. Even as a spectator into a past that never was, it felt like a complete betrayal. Ever since the first time she’d ever heard that word, it had always made her feel exactly the way that it was supposed to: less than a witch, less than human. She looked over at Severus, hurt in her eyes … but from this distance, she understood.

He hadn’t meant it like that, hadn’t really thought of her that way. He was just hurt and humiliated and lashing out without thinking. But half a year ago, when they’d been drifting apart, when she’d seen him spending more and more time with people who really did think that way, when she’d been more and more afraid of what was happening in the Wizarding world … This would have confirmed all her worst fears. She would have seen it as proof that it had finally happened, that her Sev ultimately saw her as just another Mudblood that his pureblood elitist friends wanted to eradicate from the Wizarding world. And she would have reacted in exactly the way that she saw herself reacting now.

“This…” Lily said quietly, looking over at Severus. “This is where I gave up on you. Didn’t I?”

Severus didn't respond but the scene changed and suddenly they were standing outside Gryffindor common room, Snape threatening to sleep outside if she didn't come out and talk to him.

"I'm sorry!"

"I don't want to hear it!"

"Lily, I'm sorry I didn't mean-"

"Didn't mean to call me Mudblood? But it's what you call everyone of my blood status ...."

Severus himself found it hard to watch but turned to Lily as the scene unfolded, her other self practically slamming the portrait door in his face.

Lily winced as she watched herself shut Severus out, leaving him there alone. It all made a terrible kind of sense. She’d been so close to giving up on him already at that time. After something like this … it just would have hurt too much to keep trying.

“Did I ever speak to you again after this?” she asked, turning to Severus. Though she already had a pretty good idea of the answer.

Severus still didn't say anything as memories started to flip through their school year. Snape being pressured into becoming a Death Eater, Lily dating James, the bullying stopping around Lily but continuing behind her back .... They stopped at another memory. Christmas just before Severus turned seventeen. He was home, instead of at Lily's this year.

The following stream of memories answered her question for her. It pained her, seeing Severus so alone, except of course for his Death Eater housemates … With no one else to turn to, and no one to protect him from Potter’s crew, was it really that surprising that things turned out the way they did? In each interaction with the Death Eater sympathizers in Slytherin, and each attack from Potter and Black, she could see Severus’s resolve chipping away. She glanced over at him guiltily; had she really been the only thing keeping him from giving in? Yet she still understood the decision her other self had made. As far as she’d known in this timeline, Severus was already long gone. 

She didn’t understand, though, why she’d started dating James in this timeline. Even if he’d kept his bullying behind her back … she just didn’t understand how it had happened. Granted, the Potter she knew had started to mature into something resembling a decent human being. But as far as she could tell, the James Potter from Severus’s memories still showed no sign of that. Of course, she was seeing things from Severus’ perspective … but it was still unsettling.

She glanced over at Severus, not recognizing the new setting. But she’d seen both of his parents before. He’d never let her see the inside of their house, which must be this dismal place. Judging by the weather outside, this would probably have been around Christmas break. Of course. If they weren’t speaking to each other, he’d have been stuck here that Christmas.

Severus sat at a rickety, weather beaten desk working on his homework, ignoring the sudden scream that came from downstairs. It was a sound he'd long become used to, though it was evident it angered him still. He jabbed his quill into the ink pot before standing up, heavy footsteps coming up the stairs. He knew his father was after him now. There was no use trying to stop him from coming in, he'd break the door down. At least if he met him in the hall there was no chance of breaking what little he owned.

Severus stared up at the man who was barely more than a few inches taller than him, but was nearly double his size. The man staggered as he approached.

"What are you looking at boy?!" The man asked, clumsily grabbing onto Severus shirt. "Fucking failure of a boy gonna turn into a failure of a man just like your ol da here .... You think ya onna learn anything from that .... Hocus pocus they teach at that school of yours." Severus tried to struggle out of his grip but he was surprisingly strong even when he was drunk.

Lily winced as Severus’s father grabbed him. She remembered all too well the state Sev had been in when he’d shown up brutally beaten at her door last summer. Her fists clenched at her sides, but she couldn’t do anything to change this; for Severus, this had already happened.

The first punch made the present Severus jump, his younger self recoiling from the hit. His father hit him three more times before he let go of his shirt, Severus falling onto his hands and knees but it didn't stop his father from hitting him.

Lily folded her arms uncomfortably, flinching with each hit that Severus took. She hated just watching someone hurt him like this. “Why are you showing me this?” she asked, her voice shaking slightly. She already knew how bad Severus’s father was. Did he want to make her feel guilty for leaving him to deal with his family over the holidays? Was he trying to see if she still cared when he got hurt? Or was there something else going on here that he wanted her to see?

"Stop it!" His younger self said as the present Severus moved his hand to indicate her to keep watching. His father didn't listen and kept hitting him over and over again. "STOP!!!" Severus yelled furiously.

The present Severus glanced over at Lily as his younger self angrily swung back, his own fist connecting with Tobias' jaw. The man stumbled back, drunkenly tripping over his own feet. The younger Severus' eyes widened in shock and reached out to grab his father’s hand, his fingers barely brushing his before the man plummeted down the narrow flight of stairs, a resounding crunch at the bottom making the present Severus wince again.

The sound of his mother screaming came from downstairs as the younger Severus was frozen at the top of the stairs.

"What did you do?!" Eileen yelled as she rushed to her husband's side.

Lily gasped, her hand going to her mouth in shock. “Oh God, Severus,” she whispered. It was an accident. It was clearly an accident, resulting out of self defense. But Eileen’s shrill, panicked scream echoed up the stairs like an accusation. Lily looked over at the current Severus … who still had to live with this memory, even if his father was safely locked away in Muggle prison. “It’s not your fault,” she said firmly. “You … you know that, don’t you?”

Severus didn't look at her and the memory changed again, though they stood in the same hallway. Two days later, Severus walked up the stairs dressed in a dingy muggle suit that looked like it had been bought second hand. "Mom?" He asked knocking on her bedroom door. The present Severus backed away from the door and turned away from it, already knowing what awaited inside.

Lily watched the present Severus turn away. She was afraid now of what she would see … but Severus had wanted her to witness this. So she made herself steadfastly watch as the memory Severus knocked at the door.

Severus creaked the door open. "Mom ... Are you ready?" He asked, slowly stepping into the room. The door was knocked open as Severus jumped back, his eyes wide with fear. "Mom!" He ran over to where she lay on the floor, still, unmoving, a piece of paper clutched in her hand.

"She killed herself." The present Severus explained, as if that weren't already obvious. "That note in her hand ... It's the last thing she ever wanted to say to me ... She blamed me for killing them." He said as the younger Severus bawled on the floor of the bedroom. “Cursed me for having been born …” 

Lily stepped back from the door, face white, hands shaking, the anguished sobbing of this other Severus ringing in her ears. His whole reality in that moment was a grief-stricken nightmare. And he’d been completely alone. She looked up at the present Severus, tears starting to gather in her eyes, and without saying a word, took his hand in hers.

Severus pulled his hand out of hers as soon as she took it. "Don't ..." He said quietly. "Don't pity me .... I'm not showing you this because I want your pity ... I'm showing you this because it's relevant." He said and the memory changed again. They were standing in Malfoy Manor, Severus looking a few years older.

"Why are you still refusing Severus?" Malfoy asked as he stood in front of him. "Don't tell me you're still in love with that Mudblood."

"Don't call her that!" Severus hissed. Lucius grinned.

"Oh .... So you are. She's married to the man who bullied you through your school years, last I heard she was pregnant with his brat .... She left you Severus .... She tore you in two and left you!" Lucius said stepping away from him. "You're pathetic."

"Stop it." Severus said.

"Take the mark. You've already killed a muggle, it'll will be easy to get you in!"

"That was an accident!" Severus said angrily.

"They don't need to know that do they?" Lucius said regarding Severus. "You know ... The dark lord is not above doing favours for his followers if they deserve it .... Say ... If a certain mud ... Muggleborn where to be targeted .... You could ask her to be spared." Lucius said grinning as Severus looked up at him. "Who knows if we got that Potter and his spawn out of the way .... If you saved her life she could be yours ...."

Lily stared at Severus in wide-eyed horror. “You didn’t …” She felt sick. And yet, after what she’d just seen, it was astonishing that Severus had managed to resist joining the Death Eaters for this long.

The scene changed again and this time Severus was laying in the ground howling in pain as he clutched his left arm, the mark burning into his flesh. It changed again and he was at a meeting, Voldemort at the head, it changed again, nearly a year later and Severus looked terrified.

"I was becoming unuseful." The present Severus explained. "It had only been a year and he was growing bored of me .... I had to find something I could give him ... Find some way to prove to him my usefulness ..... I was informed that if I did not prove myself he would kill me by the weeks end." He said as they followed the now slightly older Severus into the Hogshead. They followed him up the stairs, overheard the prophecy, watched Severus get caught and run from the Hogshead and the scene changed again.

The wind was surprisingly strong as Severus turned on the hill, looking this way and that as if expecting to be attacked at any moment. Within seconds his wand flew from his hand and he was on his knees begging Dumbledore not to kill him.

Lily looked on uncertainly. Was this where Severus had switched sides and started to spy for Dumbledore? Had the prophecy that he’d overheard just given Voldemort too much of an edge?

Severus listened as Dumbeldore silenced the wind around them. Listened as the two spoke.

"The prophecy did not refer to a woman. It refers to a child born at the end of July."

"He thinks it's her son!" Severus said.

"Then why not go to your lord and beg him for mercy. Bring him James Potter and their son in exchange for her life."

"I have ...." Severus said meekly.

"You disgust me." Both memory and present Severus flinched at that.

"Hide them then .... Hide them all .... Please!" Severus begged.

"And what will you give me in return Severus?" Dumbledore asked.

Lily understood now. Severus wasn’t concerned with how powerful Voldemort became by preventing the prophecy. He wasn’t concerned with how many innocent people got killed, not even with the life of her child. His only concern was for her. That was troubling on several levels … But Dumbledore’s response troubled her just as much. If this son of hers was so vital to defeating Voldemort, wasn’t Severus already giving him something? Dumbledore was demanding something in return for doing what was already strategically necessary anyway. He was blatantly taking advantage of Severus’s desperation.

Severus looked up at Dumbledore confused. "Anything."

The memories changed again, "You said you would keep them safe!" It was no longer her, it was them ... Automatically .... Severus sat in a chair in Dumbledore's office, his face red and streaked with tears.

"Lily and James put their faith in the wrong person Severus .... Much like you." They watched as Severus promised to remain at the school to protect her son. When the memories changed it was a much larger time skip. Snape now stood in a classroom full of first years, now at least in his early thirties though he looked quite a bit older. As if his experiences aged him far too quickly.

"Mr. Potter ..... Our ... New ... Celebrity." He said as he moved across the class.

Lily gasped as her eyes fixed on the boy Severus was talking to. He looked so much like James it was positively eerie, though he seemed far less sure of himself. But he had vivid green eyes, just like hers, and just like her mother’s. At the moment, he just looked confused that this teacher he’d never met before already seemed to dislike him so much.

The scene played out and then changed again. They stood in the hospital wing, Harry now older laying in the hospital bed, Sirius standing in front of a very surprised Snape.

"Sirius, go and stay at Remus' for the time being ... Wait for me to send word." Dumbledore waited until Sirius left and turned to Snape.

"Severus ... You know what I must ask you to do. If you are ready ... If you are prepared." The older Severus seemed to pale, if that was even possible on his already pale complexion.

"I am." He said, though his words sounded hollow. As if he were trying to hide his fear.

The memory changed again, and the first thing the present Snape saw was blood. They stood in Malfoy manor, the memory of Snape laying on the ground in nothing but his black pants, writhing in agony so bad he could no longer scream as Voldemort himself used the cruciatus curse on him, his flailing and thrashing opening wounds that had just started to heal. He'd been in this room being tortured by the dark lord and his followers for three days now. Three days of pain and humiliation by the hands of those he used to call his friends .... He remembered this .... Feeling like he was going to go mad. He'd long since convinced Voldemort that he was still loyal, explained why he was late, why he remained at the school .... But the dark lord was livid ... And there was no excuse not to answer his master's call.

Lily looked on in horror as an older Severus was tortured relentlessly. From the state of his wounds, it was clear that he’d been there awhile. She wanted so badly to do something, to end this, or at the very least to reach out and grab the present Severus’ hand … but he’d already said he didn’t want that. So she folded her arms, pale and trembling, and looked away, tears already running down her face faster than she could blink them back.

Severus wrapped an arm around her, though it wasn't comforting. His fingers gently touched her jaw and he turned her face back to the trembling body in the bloody floor. "You were the one who wanted to see." He said as Bellatrix approached his other self.

Lily wanted to protest that she’d seen enough … But Severus was right. She’d said that she needed to see this, that she could handle it. She needed to understand. Severus had already suffered through this. The least she could do was witness it. She nodded shakily, forcing herself to watch, no matter what else happened.

Before Bellatrix could do anything the scene changed again. They stood in Dumbledore's office, it was night, and Dumbledore sat slumped in his chair, Snape pouring a potion down his throat, his wand moving over his blackened hand.

He put the cup down and looked up at Albus. "I have the curse confined to your left hand for now .... But I can't stop it ... It will take over. It will kill you."

"How long have you given me?" Albus asked tiredly.

"A year ... At most." He said before standing to leave.

"Severus ...." They watched as Albus asked him ... No, made him promise to do something unforgivable ... Made Snape promise to kill him when the time was right. Watched as the much older Severus got angered after spending hours saving his life he was now asking him to kill him.

Lily felt the same anger and disbelief settle over her. It was so coldly unfair. Hadn’t Severus done enough? How could Dumbledore possibly ask that of him, of anyone?

Memories started flipping again over the next year, his unbreakable vow, trying to talk Dumbledore out of it, trying to get Draco's plan out of him, memory after memory until they stood in the Dumbledore's office again.

"You've been raising him so that he can die at the proper moment?" Severus asked surprised. "You've been raising him like a pig for slaughter."

"Don't tell me you've come to care for the boy!" Dumbledore asked almost slightly amused.

"For him?!" Severus asked waving his wand. "Expecto Patronum!" A silver doe shot from his wand and Albus watched it wide eyed.

"Lily?" Albus asked surprised. It had been almost twenty years. He had thought Severus had moved on. "After all this time?"

"Always."

Lily turned to the present-day Severus, eyes wide. “Sev,” she whispered, not knowing what else to say. How impossible it seemed, now, that she had ever thought she was losing him. Through every terrible mistake he’d made, even at the worst he had ever been, her Sev had always still been in there somewhere, no matter how deep inside this broken, bitter man he’d been buried. All this time he’d been obsessively fighting to go back, to undo everything he’d done, to take back everything that had ever separated him from her. He had loved her for longer than she’d even been alive. Or, rather, he’d loved a memory of everything she’d been to him … a memory that she could never really live up to.

The memories changed until they were standing in the astronomy tower, Albus standing near the edge, Severus with his wand raised.

"Severus please." Dumbledore said, and Severus knew he wasn't begging for his life. He was begging Severus to keep his promise.

Lily watched as Severus’ options were progressively cut away, until there on the astronomy tower, he had no choice left. She forced herself to continue watching as the situation headed to its inevitable conclusion.

The present Severus watched the sudden anger on his past self’s face, and knew exactly why he was so angry. He was angry that Dumbledore was making him kill the only person who had trusted him. Was angry that it would put him in a position that everyone on the side he was on would hate him.

"Avada Kadavra." He said his voice quiet as green light shot from his wand and knocked Dumbledore from the astronomy tower.

The memory changed back to Spinners End. Snape stepped into his home, no longer under prying eyes and promptly grabbed onto his table, pulling it over so hard it clattered on the floor, books scattering everywhere. He backed into the wall and slid down, his fingers going into his hair as he finally had the opportunity to break down ... It had been hours since he'd killed the only man who trusted him .... And he could finally let go of the anguish that had been building up inside of him.

Lily made herself watch as Severus completely broke down, more alone now than he’d ever been. By fulfilling Dumbledore’s last request and killing him, Severus had prevented anyone else in the resistance from ever trusting him again. To preserve his cover and carry out Dumbledore’s plan, Severus had knowingly sentenced himself to a whole new level of alienation. No one would ever believe the real reason that he had done this. And Dumbledore had known exactly what he was asking of him.

The memories started flipping again. Over the next year being headmaster to protect the students, the teachers doing everything they could to thwart him, bringing Potter the sword with his patronus, helping her son as much as he could without him knowing. Until they were standing in the shrieking shack, Voldemort walking around Severus talking about the elder wand.

Lily looked from the older Severus to hers and back again. He was very much alone with Voldemort, and the conversation was twisting in a worrisome direction. Whatever happened, though, she would watch until the end.

The past Severus stood bravely before Voldemort, though his face was pale and his eye would not leave Voldemort's snake.

"Nagini .... Kill." Severus didn't even have time to react as the globe descended over his head and around his shoulders pinning his arms to his side. A pained scream came from Snape's mouth as the snake sank its fangs into his neck, blood pouring from the wound and within seconds Nagini let go but the damage was done. Voldemort barely paused as he turned to Snape. "I regret it." Voldemort said coldly.

“No…” Lily murmured involuntarily. Severus had told her he died here. She’d known it was coming, somewhere in this cruel stream of memories. But she rejected actually seeing it. Had it really happened like this? Alone, so abruptly, and over a wand? She reached out and put her arms around the present Severus, unable to stop herself. She fully expected him to try to push her away. But she couldn’t just watch him die and not hold him. Tears streaming down her face, she forced herself not to turn away, resolved to watch until the end.

Once Voldemort left they watched as Harry moved the box out of the way, coming into the room and coming to Snape's side. He put his hand against Snape's wound, trying to stop the flow of blood even though they all knew it wouldn't do any good. Snape grabbed onto Potter's shirt.

"Take them." Snape said, his voice gurgled by the blood flowing from his neck. A silvery substance flowed from every opening in Snape's head, not in control of what memories he was giving him ... He didn't even know if they were the right ones. As Harry put the memories into a flask, Snape's grip loosened on his shirt, but he didn't let go. "Look at me." He said looking at Harry's eyes and seconds later, the memory didn't change, they were pulled from it as if a door had slammed in their face. Severus had died.

They stood in darkness, voices speaking around them but they were muffled. When it cleared, they were standing in the hospital wing, once again sixteen years old. A younger Snape looking confused at Minerva and Dumbledore, asking if he was dead.

Lily looked up at him. Had it really been such an immediate transition? How bewildered he must have been. What must it have been like when the realization sank in? Had he rejoiced at the impossible second chance, or panicked at the thought of suffering through the same miserable life all over again?

"You know what happens from here." He said as her past self came into the hospital wing. He watched at how sad and pathetic he was, practically sobbing as he told Lily he missed her, which at the time confused her. She'd only seen him a few days ago, but to him it had been over twenty years. "Can you really blame me? .... For clinging to anything I could get. I know it was wrong of me not to tell you but ..... How could I? I didn't want to lose you again, I've already lost you twice ..... I've been alone so long that ... When I saw you ...." He paused and shook his head. "You're the only person in my life who's ever cared about me .... I didn't want that to change just because I'm different now. That's selfish I know but ...."

“That doesn’t excuse it,” Lily said firmly, still holding onto him. “You still should have told me … But I understand.” The fact that he hadn’t told her wasn’t going away, and she didn’t know if she would be able to trust him the same way again. But she just couldn’t find it in her to be really angry anymore.

"I know that." He said as the memory continued to play around them. "Dumbledore should be back soon, if he isn't already." He said wrapping his arm around her and they both came out of the memory together. Severus winced when he saw the lights were on in the office. He turned and saw Dumbledore sitting at his desk.

"Hello." Dumbledore said pleasantly.

“Um…” Lily stared wide-eyed at the headmaster. There was really nothing to say that would detract from the fact that he had caught them red-handed after breaking into his office and using his Pensieve without permission. “Hello, Professor Dumbledore.”

“Miss Evans, if you are finished viewing Professor Snape’s memories for this evening,” Albus said pointedly. “Then I expect you will be on your way back to the Gryffindor dormitory, as it is now past curfew.”

Lily nodded, blushing furiously. They hadn’t been nearly as stealthy about this as she had thought. At least Dumbledore didn’t consider it necessary to Obliviate her. Though she still couldn’t look at him now without thinking about how he had used and manipulated Severus. “Yes, Professor,” she said, hurrying toward the door, then paused. There was so much more she needed to discuss with Severus, but she doubted she would get the chance tonight. “You should know, Professor Dumbledore,” she said. “I’m the one who insisted on seeing those memories, and that it couldn’t wait. It’s my fault we’re here.”

“I thought that might be the case,” Dumbledore said serenely. Somehow, Lily found his pleasant demeanor unconvincing now. She felt uneasy as she left.

Severus gathered his memories again and sat down in the chair across from Dumbledore. "You're not Obliviating her ..." He said flat out.

Albus regarded Severus over the rims of his half-moon spectacles, calmly folding his hands on the desk. “Why, precisely, do you think Miss Evans needs to know what you have seen?”

"I think that is our business, not yours." He said crossing his arms over his chest. "Despite my outer appearance Albus, I am not a child, I am no longer in your debt, and am not required to follow your instruction. I am free to make my own decisions, and my decisions are exactly that .... Mine."

“That may be the case in most matters,” Albus acknowledged. “But any action of yours that may influence the outcome of the war against Voldemort is very much my business. You cannot treat such matters as if they were merely personal. Moreover, this particular decision involved sneaking into my office and using my Pensieve without my permission. We had decided, in the beginning, that information regarding your past was to be divulged only on a need-to-know basis. Since you have shown Miss Evans, I must assume that you believe she needs to know. And I have trusted your judgment enough to send her on her way without, as of yet, Obliviating her … but I would like to know why.”

"And I would like to know why you told Minerva without my permission." Severus said. "As you said I believe we discussed a need to know basis ...." He said. "My reasons are my own Albus. You've kept many secrets from me, involving the war and personal, I'm not obligated to tell you .... And I will warn you Albus .... If you obliviate her ... You will lose me in this war ... And I will take her with me!" He said standing and making his way towards the door.

“Severus,” said Albus sternly. “What is the nature of your relationship with Lily Evans?”

Severus turned around and regarded Albus. "For the time being, we don't have one .... I fucked that up .... Again .... Just like I fuck everything up!" He said in an angry though calm voice. "So no ... You don't have to worry about some kind of scandal in your staff!"

“When did it start?” Albus asked, strategically ignoring Severus’s sudden outburst of profanity.

"When did what start?" Severus asked annoyed.

“Whatever it is that you … to rephrase the way you put it … messed up.”

Severus shook his head at Albus. "You're despicable ..." Severus said. "I'm done." He said turning towards the door.

Albus sighed. “I’m not going to Obliviate her, Severus,” he said calmly. “Quite frankly, she seems to be handling things more sensibly than you are, at the moment. In hindsight, perhaps it would have been wiser if I had encouraged you to inform her from the beginning.”

"Do you really think I would have listened? What do you care anyway?" Severus asked annoyed. "So long as I can help in your war, what do you care what happens to me? Let me deal with this on my own Albus." He said turning away from him sounding more hurt now than angry. God damn teenage hormones ....

“My war?” Albus asked quietly, sitting back in his chair. “Severus, what do you think the rest of us are fighting for?”

"It's always been your war ... You were the one calling the shots, moving people like pawns, sacrificing for the greater good ... You've always been the chess master .... Do you honestly think any of us matter so long as the dark lord is defeated?" He asked. "You're forgetting how well I know you Albus .... We're fighting for you because we agree with the outcome ... But it has been and always will be your war."

“That is not completely inaccurate,” said Albus. “But it is also not what I asked you. You have your reasons for your own reluctant involvement. Even I must have a motive for wanting to see Lord Voldemort defeated … unless of course, to continue your metaphor, you assume I simply see him as a particularly formidable chess opponent. But what about the others who agree with the outcome? Why risk danger for an outcome they might not personally live to see? What do you think Minerva, or Mr. Potter, or Miss. Evans, or anyone else on our side is fighting for?”

"I can't answer for anyone else .... I just don't want to see anyone else die .... On either side ...." He said but he knew that wasn't going to happen. "I just want to move on with my life but I can't until he's gone."

“Why can’t you move on with your life until he’s gone?” Albus asked, with a tone of mild curiosity. “Why not simply take the one or two people you care about and leave the country? Wouldn’t that be the easiest solution?”

"You're not listening .... People are going to die, Albus!!!!! I already told you that I don't want that to happen, on multiple occasions." He said angrily. "I'm not like you Albus .... I can't just stand by and let it happen no matter the cause!"

“Not like me?” Albus’s eyebrows raised slightly. “And yet you have pinpointed precisely the reason why I have dedicated everything to this war. You have seen first-hand how many people will suffer and die if Voldemort’s defeat is delayed. We both know that, if he goes unchallenged, the suffering and death will never end. I have made this my war, as you call it, for that very reason. To that end, there have been times when I have had to stand back and allow terrible things to happen. And there have been times when I have, perhaps, asked too much of others.”

His expression looked troubled, but he continued. “But to say that I do not care is to severely oversimplify the matter.” He looked Severus directly in the eye. “So, when you ask me why I care what happens to you, so long as you help me to win ‘my’ war… you misunderstand my entire purpose for waging that war in the first place.”

"You're saying to the person you sacrificed as easily as you would a mere pawn." He said. "Do you not remember what was in the memories I gave you?" He asked running his hand over his face. "I'm tired Albus .... May I have permission to leave?" He asked sarcastically.

“I have not forgotten,” Albus said quietly. Nor would he ever be able to. “But I must caution you in regards to your friendship with Miss Evans. Overall, you have become a very rational and careful decision-maker … But not consistently. After almost twenty years grieving for your dear friend,” he carefully avoided implying anything else. “Only to be unexpectedly reunited with her … That alone would have a strong effect on even the most logical of minds. But when combined with your teenage emotional outbursts … You have already been reckless enough to break into my office together,” he said pointedly. “You must take care to avoid being so reckless in the future. Otherwise, you risk endangering both Lily and yourself.”

"I'm not stupid Albus .... I just can't do this alone anymore." He said before leaving Dumbledore's office.


	52. All the time in the world

A couple of weeks later, Lily approached Severus in the library again, near the Restricted section. She’d been continually bringing him her notes over her research, anything that might be of use to him. Lately, the library had been the last bastion of peace and quiet. Everywhere else was too abuzz with holiday excitement to allow for much concentration. Already, the castle had been transformed by Christmas decorations in preparation for the coming break.

"Hello Lily." He said as he closed the book he was reading with a snap. He'd made a huge breakthrough with the help of Lily's research. He was confident that what he wanted to do was possible, but as he'd predicted there was only a small chance it would succeed .... And he had no idea what it would do to him physically.

“Hi, Severus,” Lily said, setting down her most recent notes on the table. “How are things going?” Conversation between them had still been a little awkward after everything that had happened, but they’d both been doing more reading than talking.

"I think I've figured it out. I'll have to do more searching into it but I have the basic idea down .... It's still a last resort though ..." He said pushing the book to the side for now.

Lily nodded. As far as she could gather from the letters she’d been receiving, things weren’t that desperate yet… but it was possible that her parents weren’t telling her everything. She’d have to see over Christmas break. “How would it work?”

"Basically I would have to link my chakra network with hers, and transfer my chakra into her, activating her network. But the link between us would be fragile, and if anything goes wrong it could end badly for both of us." He said quietly.

“That…” Lily’s eyes were wide as she considered the possible implications. From what she’d read, she supposed it might be possible … but the sheer level of power and concentration that would require was difficult to even imagine. And there was no telling what could go wrong. “Would be beyond dangerous,” she agreed. “Let’s hope it doesn’t actually come to that.” She wasn’t comfortable with the idea of that level of risk, either for her mother or for Severus.

"We'll have to prepare for the fact that it might ..... And with how things went ..... Last time," Snape said awkwardly. "....... There's a large chance it might." He said sadly.

Lily’s posture tensed, and she looked down at the table for a moment. “I know,” she said quietly. It was why they were doing this, in case Muggle medicine couldn’t save her. Lily had wanted so badly to help, to know that there was another way… but even that wasn’t certain. No matter which way she turned, there were more worries. She sighed and looked up at him. “Thank you for… for doing all of this.” She paused for a moment, then said: “You’re spending Christmas with us this year, right? I know mum would like to see you.”

Severus glanced up at her. "Are you inviting me?" He asked, wondering if she actually wanted him there or if this was just for her parents sake. He knew the Evans cared about him, it's why they invited him over for Christmas every year .... But if Lily didn't want him there then he didn't want to put a damper on the Christmas mood that always invaded the Evans home.

“Yes,” she said simply, without hesitation. She still wasn’t sure what to do about the rest of their relationship… but she had said they were still friends. And she wasn’t going to shut out her oldest friend at Christmas… not in this timeline, anyway. The images from Severus’s memories still continued to haunt her. “I … want you to be there.”

"Okay." He said quietly. "Do you want to floo home? Or take the train? If you want the train I can meet you at the front entrance after breakfast. Which we should probably get to soon."

“Right,” she agreed. “We’ll meet out front, then.” The train was comfortingly familiar, and might be a good chance to talk through some of the issues that had come up between them before getting to her parents’ house.

Severus put one of the library books into his bag to take to Lily's over the break. "I'll see you then." He said walking out of the library towards the great hall for breakfast.

\---

Later, on the train, Lily sat across from Severus, looking out the window as the countryside flew by. “So, that’s half the school year down,” she said, by way of making conversation.

Severus looked up at her from the book he was reading. After an hour of uncomfortable silence he'd finally pulled the medical text out.

"Yeah ...." Severus agreed.

“How’s the whole apprenticeship thing going?” she asked, hating how awkward and forced conversation seemed between them lately. It had been weeks since they’d talked about anything but their research toward helping her mother. She appreciated that, but … she’d said they would still be friends, and they were still a long way off from talking like friends again. She missed that … and even as uncertain of him as she was now, she was afraid they might never get that connection back if she didn’t start trying again now. Severus’s memories had shown her just how easily their entire friendship could fall apart.

Severus looked up at her. "My transfiguration may have been rusty before, but there's little I have to learn. I could easily take over the class at any time. It's not exactly high on my priority list, and McGonnigal isn't going anywhere any time soon."

Lily nodded. “How long is the apprenticeship even supposed to last, anyway?” she asked. “And what happens then? Is Dumbledore going to want to continue to keep you at the school to have you close at hand or… what? Or has anyone even discussed that?”

"For now the plan is to keep me at the school. The apprenticeship lasts two to three years depending on how fast I advance .... McGonnigal already agreed she’d extend it as long as she can without it looking suspicious. After that if I'm still required here I'll speak to Dumbledore about taking another apprenticeship. Perhaps Potions again ...." He said with a sneer. "I doubt the ministry would see anything odd about a change of mind in my career considering I made my choice for transfiguration so young. I'm hoping though, that I'm not required at the school that long. I'm only here now to train Potter and aid the resistance ... Once you all graduate - if I'm still required at the school it will most likely be a far more dangerous reason. Though I'm hoping it won't even get that far."

“Do you think… Dumbledore would try to pressure you into spying again?” It was a terrifying idea, given what she’d seen in Severus’s memories… which, horrifying as some of it had been, she realized had to be only a fraction of what he’d endured.

"He will ..." He said putting his book off to the side. "I can guarantee you he will ... But I won't do it again. I don't care how much it would profit his cause, I can't do it again ..."

“You shouldn’t have to,” Lily agreed firmly. “No matter what happens, there has to be a better way this time.”

Severus sighed. "There won't be if it comes down to it .... But even if he tries to push me in that direction I doubt they'd welcome me now ..."

“True,” Lily said. “You’re not exactly on good terms with most of Slytherin house right now.” Even if the Death Eaters never found out about his involvement in the resistance, that was suspicious to say the least. “So … that leaves the question of how do we keep it from coming to that? How do we bring Voldemort down sooner? And … what did that business with Slughorn have to do with it?” That had been a frustrating failure, to say the least. She wished she at least knew what she’d been looking for.

"We're figuring that out. I have information that may be able to bring him down even if I don't know what that information is. Dumbledore has an idea ... I think he's confirmed it." He said. He didn't want to tell Lily he knew about the horcruxes. It would just bring more unnecessary stress into her life. It was better for this to wait until they had concrete answer. For all he knew Voldemort could have made a penny a horcrux and threw it into the middle of the ocean ....

“Need-to-know basis, I take it?” Lily guessed. She didn’t like being on the sidelines, without the knowledge or ability to help… but after everything Severus had already shown her, she had to give Sev the benefit of the doubt, that there was a valid reason he wasn’t telling her. From the sound of it, Severus and Dumbledore weren’t completely certain about the matter themselves.

"Not really a need to know basis when there isn't much to know." Severus said with a shrug.

“Makes sense,” Lily said. She was quiet for a moment, before she asked: “It must be frustrating… having so many pieces of the puzzle of what’s going to happen, but not enough to just completely fix everything.”

"You have no idea ..." He said quietly sliding down in his seat slightly to make himself more comfortable.

“No,” she said quietly. “I guess I don’t. What you showed me … That was only a fraction of everything that happened, wasn’t it.” It pained her to think about it. But she couldn’t get it out of her head.

"I showed you more than I showed anyone else .... But no ... That wasn't the worst of it." He said staring down at the floor. Even though the events of his past hadn't happened yet, they had happened for him ... To him those events were real ... Very vividly real.

Lily was silent for a moment. There were too many things she wanted to say, but didn’t know how to even begin voicing them. Finally, she asked: “And you have no idea, then, how you ended up back here? After you… after you died, I mean.”

Severus was silent for a moment before he shook his head. "No." He said quietly. "I have no idea. For a moment after I woke up, I thought I survived, but .... That didn't make sense .... Dumbledore was dead. Then I thought I hadn't survived. And I was upset that McGonagall was there. Someone had to stay behind and protect the students if we lost." He said, his eyes unfocused as he stared at the floor.

In that moment she didn't see the teenager he'd reverted back to, or the Severus she'd used to know. She saw the soldier he'd become, saw in his eyes the hardened adult he'd grown into. His eyes looked dead. "But they were both still alive .... Everyone I thought was dead was still alive. Lupin, Black, Potter ... Children I watched suffer and die hadn't been born yet ..... Nothing's happened yet .... And even though I've been here for almost a year it still doesn't seem real. I keep thinking this is a dream that .... I'm going to wake up and I'll be back in that hospital wing, a fully grown adult and Voldemort would have won." He said shaking his head. 

Lily reached over and took Severus’s hand in hers, holding onto it tightly. “That’s not going to happen,” she said firmly, frightened by the deadness in Severus’s eyes. It was a look she didn’t recognize. “Everything that happened to you still happened, I know you can’t change what you’ve been through, but … This is real. Here and now, things are different.”

"But they can still turn out the same. What if I can't change anything? What if everything I'm doing is for nothing? What if I ...." Severus paused realizing what he was about to say and looked away from her. 

“What if you what?” Lily asked gently, her hand still not leaving his.

Severus was silent for a few moments, not daring to look at her. "What if I ...." Severus hesitated again. "What if I lose you again?" 

Lily was speechless for a moment. What could she say to that? She still wasn’t sure where they stood now, or how to respond to everything they’d seen. And she couldn’t guarantee her own safety anymore than she could guarantee anyone else’s. “I … don’t exactly plan on letting that happen,” she said quietly, though she didn’t know how comforting that could really be. As far as she could tell, she hadn’t really planned on dying the first time around.

"None do." Severus said with a sigh. "I don't know, it's still just really hard to wrap my head around. Keeping things straight, trying to remember what I told to who. Keeping plans on time. The group I'm helping Potter run .... There's a lot to do and as much as we'd like to think we have a lot of time we don't .... The time will creep up on us. We have to be prepared but ..... I don't think we ever will be. I'm still sorry I didn't tell you before but ... I'm glad I at least have someone I can talk to now. I'm so tired of keeping secrets, it seems my entire life is built on them." 

“I don’t know how you went for so long keeping so many secrets,” she said, thinking of all she’d seen in the Pensieve. “That’s… a lot to handle alone.”

Severus didn't say anything to that as they sat in silence in the train car. A few more hours and they'd be home. Severus glanced out the window, watching the snow fall. "Do you think it'll ever be normal?" Severus asked. "Our lives I mean ...." He asked. "I keep trying to picture what it would be like to have a regular life .... But ...." 

“I don’t know,” Lily admitted, watching the snowfall with Severus. “But I… I still think it’s possible. You’ve managed to change some things already… so why not that? After everything you’ve been through … a normal life shouldn’t be too much to ask.” She sounded more hopeful than she really felt. But she had to believe that there was an outcome where Voldemort was defeated, and everyone got to put their lives back together and move on. She had to believe that the future Sev had shown her could be changed.

"To be honest I'm not sure I'd know what to do with myself. My life has always been dictated to me either through misfortune or through my own mistakes .... Given the opportunity to do whatever I wanted with it I'm not sure I'd know what to do." He said glancing over at her. "I suppose if I live through this I'd have to consider what I'd want to do as a career .... It was never something I really considered before ..." 

“Well,” Lily said, thinking the idea over as she looked back at him. She’d missed this, just talking with him. “I don’t think teaching is right for you long-term… You seem to get far too infuriated with it. Any idea what your ideal workplace would be like?”

"Alone would be preferable." He said. "Perhaps since I'm not paying for anything right now, and I am being paid, I'll put all the money I earn into Gringotts .... Maybe open my own business." 

“What kind of business?” Lily asked, thinking through Sev’s abilities. But with more than one area of aptitude, it could be any number of things. “A nice quiet apothecary, maybe? Or have you had quite enough of Potions-related careers for one lifetime?”

"I think I'd rather just stick to brewing my own stock. Perhaps a book store? I don't know .... It seems pretty silly talking about this now with everything that's going on." He said turning towards the window. "Maybe I'll write a book." Though he sounded like he said it to himself more than to her. 

“I don’t think it’s silly,” Lily said. Why shouldn’t he have something to hope for? Even if he wasn’t in the habit of thinking that way. “And I could definitely see you running a bookstore… or writing a book, perhaps. What would it be about?”

"I don't know. Maybe ... Well I've always come up with weird plot ideas in my head before, things I thought would make good creepy books but .... I don't know, they're kind of stupid ideas." He said with a shrug. 

“I highly doubt they’re stupid, Sev… You’re a lot of things, but stupid isn’t one of them. Why have you never told me you had story ideas? Have you ever written any of them down?”

"No. Never had the inclination to as a teen, and as an adult never had the time." 

“I guess that makes sense…” Lily said. It also explained why he’d never mentioned it to her. She supposed that might have been after her time… which was a strange way to think about it. “And it’s not like you have a surplus of time at the moment either… If you could find some time for it, though, it might be helpful as stress-relief. Maybe get your mind off of things every now and then?”

"Maybe I'll try to take a few minutes before bed ... Write down some ideas." Severus said with a nonchalant shrug. 

“It couldn’t hurt,” Lily said. “Who knows? Maybe someday, when there’s a chance for normality, you’ll have a career in it.”

"It's hard to get published, and even harder to make a career out of it. Perhaps as a hobby. I'll have to get a job I can find time to write though. So perhaps the bookstore idea wasn't a bad idea after all." He said. Perhaps if that happened he'd employ Lupin to assist in the book shop. He was never a fan of his as a teenager .... And he down right hated him when he'd taught his favourite subject. But he was tolerable when they were in the Order together .... And the man did need a steady job. Even if it was just organizing book shelves and keeping inventory. Something Snape honestly didn’t want to do himself. 

“Bookstore it is, then,” said Lily decisively. “Though that still leaves the really hard question: Wizarding bookstore or Muggle?”

“Wiz-” Snape paused. “Hmm … That’s a good question actually.” Severus said. “Maybe I’ll open a store in the wizarding world that sells both muggle and magical books?” Though really this was all hypothetical. It cost money to open a store, and money was not something he currently had. Even with the money he made teaching, it would be years before he had enough to make that risk. After all, starting a business was in fact a risk. If he did, and it failed, or he didn’t profit, then he would lose money all together. 

“Well,” said Lily matter-of-factly, “It’s a good thing you have plenty of time to figure that out.” At least, she hoped so. It was disconcerting to realize that, even though Sev’s consciousness had somehow inexplicably traveled back in time, they still couldn’t know what the future might bring.


	53. I'm dreaming of a ...

Severus sat cross legged on the floor, trying desperately to keep the scowl off of his face. Lily’s mother had insisted he wear the gaudy christmas sweater she’d gotten him to match Lily’s and Lily herself had put a santa hat on his head. He’d taken it off a few times, but each time she just reached over and placed it back on his head. He stopped fighting it, it was only for one night. At least they weren’t making him- 

“So, since Severus is wearing the santa hat, I believe it is his job to hand out the presents!” Henry said as he plunked himself down on the couch, his hand on his stomach as he breathed out, having obviously eaten too much turkey and stuffing. 

“No … No, definitely not. I’m wearing the sweater, I’m wearing the hat. I am drawing the line!” Severus said annoyed. He didn’t even like Christmas. 

“Oh, Severus,” said Heather, smiling, while Lily stifled a laugh. “Don’t be such a Scrooge.”

Petunia rolled her eyes. “Why do you even keep inviting him when he doesn’t even want to be here anyway?” she said, annoyed. She’d been sulking all day … which struck Lily as strange, since Severus had been here longer than that. But if there was anything else that was bothering her today that hadn’t been before, she wasn’t saying.

“I’m here Tuney, to be a constant thorn in your side.” He said straightening his back and glaring at her defiantly. 

“Sure,” Petunia said, with a sidelong glance at Lily. “That’s definitely why you keep coming around here.”

“Admittedly, that doesn’t seem like the best use of your time,” Lily said, not looking at Petunia. She tossed Severus a present from under the tree. “Now, why don’t you help me hand these out?”

“If I must.” He said using his most teacher like annoyed tone. He caught the present. “Oh look, this one’s for Tuney.” He said holding it up and shaking it next to his ear. “Someone got coal.” He said laughing as he tossed it over to Petunia. 

Petunia took the present and shoved it aside, annoyed. “You make a really ugly Santa Claus,” she sneered, turning away to glare out the window.

“Well, bah humbug to you too, Tuney,” said Lily, handing a present to her mother and going back to the tree for another one. Whatever Petunia’s problem was, it was Christmas. They could all stand to lighten up and just enjoy spending the holiday as a family.

“Tuney …. Pot ….. Kettle …” He said indicating two spots beside him as if he were introducing the two. He picked up another present and handed it to Henry. 

Petunia abruptly stood up and walked out of the room. Lily looked up in confusion from Heather to Henry and back again. “What’s up with her?” Petunia might be unpleasant, but she’d never stormed out on presents before.

Heather shook her head, looking after the doorway, perplexed. “I don’t know,” she said, looking upset as she glanced down at the abandoned presents that she’d picked out for Petunia. “I’m sure she’ll come back once she’s cooled down a little.”

Severus glanced up and saw the upset look on Mrs. Evans face and placed the present he was holding on the floor. “I'll be right back.” He said heading up the stairs after Petunia. He walked up to her bedroom and and knocked before coming in without waiting for an answer. “Okay …. We’re upsetting your mother.” He said. “Just let me have it, whatever you're bottling up and want to say about me, just say it, get it out of your system, then let's go back down stairs and open presents like a ‘normal family’ for your mother’s sake.”

“It’s not even about you, freak!” Petunia snapped, throwing a picture frame across the room. It flew past Severus’s head, the glass front shattering as it hit the wall, a picture of her and Vernon in a park somewhere falling to the floor. “Not everything’s about you! Just sod off and mind your own business!” 

Severus sighed as he pulled out his wand and repaired the frame, the glass moving back to the frame and back into place, the glass crackling as the seams disappeared. “Ah, so it's a Vernon issue then. What happened?” He asked putting the frame back on her side dresser. 

“Great,” Petunia sneered, crossing her arms. “Because I definitely need relationship counseling from you.”

Severus sat down on the bed next to her and glared at her. “Look, we've done this before, had a few talks, now isn't the time for this. This very well could be your mum's last Christmas. As much as I hate to point that out, do you really want some ass hat to take that away from you? He isn't worth it.” 

Petunia appeared as if she were about to make an angry retort, before her expression saddened, and her shoulders slumped, as if she had somehow deflated. “I know,” she said quietly. “But I can’t seem to do better.”

“Is that really what you're worried about now?” He asked. “Honestly, you're eighteen …. You're legally an adult but you're still a kid in a lot of ways. You don't have to find someone now! There's nothing stopping you from finding the right person. Look at your parents, they didn't meet until they were in their late twenties.” 

“Yeah, well,” she muttered, crossing her arms. “They’re not exactly difficult to like.” 

As for her … She knew she’d just have to find someone who would settle for her, or do without. Her parents cared about her, she knew that, though even they found Lily easier to get along with. But they wouldn’t be there forever. That was a constant, painful awareness now. And when they were gone, Lily would have less and less reason to put up with her, and would just disappear off into her freakish magic world entirely. One by one, the people who were stuck with Petunia because they were family would leave her, and she would be left completely alone.

“And you’ll find someone who will like you … Actually no, I take that back … You will find someone that will love you. And that is someone you deserve to be with. If someone can’t see you for who you are, and want to be with you for that reason, then they don’t deserve you.” Severus said. “All relationships come with it’s own baggage and I’m sure you come with about as much of it as I do …. but if they actually cared about you, then they’ll work through it …” 

Petunia stared at Snape incredulously. “Right,” she said sarcastically. “Because there’s just so much there to like.” She knew perfectly well that her personality struck people as unpleasant, and she didn’t even have any special talents or even freakish abilities to make up for it. She was neither likable nor special. She shook her head. Nonetheless, she hadn’t expected that kind of sentimental talk from Severus. “I don’t need pity from you… Just… Just give me a minute, and tell them I’ll be down in a bit, alright?”

Severus watched her for a moment. “Fine.” He said before standing up and heading back downstairs where everyone was waiting to continue opening presents. 

As he reentered the living room, Lily looked up at him questioningly. “Any luck?” she asked. Though she didn’t know what he really could have done. When Petunia was in the mood to be particularly disagreeable, there wasn’t much that could persuade her out of it.

“Yes,” Severus said quietly going back to sit down by the presents again. “She’ll be down in a few minutes.” He said tossing a soft present over to Mr. Evans. Clearly socks or a rolled up tshirt. Honestly, ‘Santa’ had no capability of disguising presents this year. 

“Thank you, Severus,” Mrs. Evans said, looking visibly relieved. “We can’t very well have Christmas without all of the family together.”

Lily was about to ask what that had all been about, when Petunia’s footsteps plodded back down the stairs, and she walked sullenly back in, returning to where she’d been sitting with a stubbornly dignified look, as if nonverbally asserting that absolutely nothing had just happened.

Severus picked up another present as Mr. Evans opened his, black socks, as Severus had predicted. He politely handed Petunia one of her presents and shuffled through the presents for one for Lily and Mrs. Evans. 

Without saying anything or even really looking at Severus, Petunia accepted the present. Mrs. Evans, however, looked at him with gratitude in her eyes. Lily still resolved to ask what had caused that scene later.


	54. Advancing

It was the middle of the night when Severus woke up, he couldn't tell what had woken him up but he felt … Unsettled. 

He sat up in bed and made his way through the dark hallway to the bathroom. Once he was finished he made his way back and jumped when he heard a crash of breaking glass from downstairs. 

He rushed down the stairs, pulling his wand from his pajama pants pocket, thinking perhaps someone was breaking in. But what he found shocked him. 

“MR. EVANS!!!!” He yelled as loud as he could. A light upstairs clicked on as Severus rushed to Mrs. Evans who was laying on the floor, leaning against the couch. 

“I'm … I'm okay Severus … Just a dizzy spell.” She said but she sounded weak, barely lucid. 

Mr. Evans came running in, wide-eyed in alarm when he saw Heather laying on the floor. Lily was down the stairs just moments after him.

“Help me get her on the couch,” Mr. Evans said urgently as he went to her. Lily quickly went over to carefully help her mom up onto the couch, alarmed at how strangely fragile she seemed.

“Severus, could you clear away this broken glass?” Mr. Evans said, trying to remain calm.

Severus pointed his wand and repaired the glass before returning it back to the table where it was. Mrs. Evans didn't look good at all. “Perhaps we should take her to the hospital.” Severus suggested. 

“I’m… I’m fine,” Heather insisted weakly, shaking her head. “I’m okay… Stop worrying.”

“We need to get you to a hospital and check, just to make sure everything’s alright,” Mr. Evans said. 

“Should I call an ambulance,” Lily asked anxiously, holding her mother’s hand. “Or do we want to try to take the car?”

“What’s going on down here,” Petunia demanded irritably from the stairs, before she caught sight of everyone in the living room, and froze, fear clear on her face.

Heather looked like she was barely staying awake, her hand on her side. “Can you stand?” Henry asked, “We should get you up onto the couch.” 

Heather nodded. “I'm fine, really.” She said trying to pull herself up onto the couch. She barely made it before she collapsed. 

“I'm calling an ambulance.” Severus said moving to the phone without even waiting for a conformation for Henry or Heather. He dialled 999. Once the operator picked up he explained the situation and moved to the front door to unlock it. 

“They’re sending an ambulance.” Severus said coming back up to them. 

“I’m sorry,” Heather said weakly. “I didn’t mean to cause all this trouble…”

“It’s okay,” Lily insisted. “We’ll get you to the hospital and everything will be fine.” Though she was scared as hell … But everything had to be okay. The doctors had to be able to help. What Severus had talked about was far too risky. But things hadn’t progressed that far yet.

Heather leaned against the side of the couch, her entire body aching as she rested her head against the cushion. 

“Mrs. Evans.” Severus said as he crouched next to her, a cloth appearing in his hand making Petunia jump. “Your nose is bleeding.” He said holding the cloth up to her bleeding nose for her. She took the cloth, her hands shaking from the steadily increasing pain as Mr. Evans went to the door to let the paramedics in. 

“She’s in here.” Mr. Evans said leading three paramedics into the room. They came in and saw her sitting on the floor. Severus got out of their way as they came into the room. One crouched down next to her. 

“Hello Heather. My name’s David. I hear you’re not feeling well.” He said kindly as one of the other paramedics started asking Mr. Evan’s questions regarding what had happened. They asked a few questions, assessed the situation, and within a few minutes had Mrs. Evans in the ambulance. 

“Petunia, you go with your mother in the ambulance. I’ll take Severus and Lily in the car.” Mr. Evans said. As much as he wanted to be with his wife, Severus and Lily couldn’t drive yet, and there was no way, even with the situation he’d let Petunia drive. Petunia didn’t argue as she got into the ambulance with her mother, not caring that she was in her pajamas, and had curlers in her hair. Her mother was far more important. 

Lily shivered as she got into the car next to Severus, unable to shake the worry building inside her. “Dad…” she asked a little shakily. “Has this happened before while I’ve been away at school?”

Mr. Evans shook his head. “She’s had a few dizzy spells, but the hospital visits have just been routine ones.”

Severus got into the car and took Lily’s hand in his, equally as worried about Mrs. Evans and hoped everything would turn out okay.

Lily’s hand tightened around Severus’s as the car rolled down the dark, quiet streets after the ambulance. She was shivering slightly, partially because she hadn't grabbed a jacket on her way out, though as the car gradually warmed up, the shivering still didn't go away. She was quiet the rest of the way there, worrying. She didn't think the situation was dire this time … But how much longer until it was?


	55. Nothing to do but wait

Severus sat in the waiting room with Lily as Henry paced the room. It had been an hour since she had been taken in, and they weren't allowed in to see her. 

It was nearly two hours before someone finally came out. 

“You two can go in and see her now.” A nurse said. 

“Severus is with us, I'm not leaving him out here on his own.” Henry said. 

“I'm sorry sir, family only.” She said. 

“He is family,” Lily said quickly, without thinking of how she was going to back that up if the nurse questioned it.

The nurse regarded her skeptically. “I’m sorry … I can’t let him in … You and your father are able too. He’ll have to wait out here.” Severus looked at Lily, letting go of her hand. 

“It’s okay, go. Your mom needs you.” He said quietly. 

Lily panicked when Severus let go of her hand. She didn’t want to go in there without him… “She’ll want to see him,” Lily insisted, before blurting out: “He’s my fiance.” Her face reddened slightly as she thought through the possible ramifications. Surely Severus would know she was saying that to get him in, but she wasn’t so sure that her dad would know that. They could worry about that later, though. Right now, the important thing was getting everybody in to see her mother, without this stubborn nurse delaying them any further.

The nurse sighed and regarded them, still not believing them. “Fine, go ahead.” She said waving her clip board to get them to go down to the room. Severus took Lily’s hand in his again as they followed Mr. Evans down the hall to her room. 

\---- 

Severus stood in the hall talking as Mr. and Mrs. Evans talked to the doctor in the room. It had been almost twenty four hours since Mrs. Evans arrived, and things weren't looking good. 

A few moments later Mr. Evans came out, his face red and it was clear he had been crying. 

Lily looked up at him anxiously. “Dad?” Her voice came out in barely more than a whisper. She didn’t think she’d ever seen him like this. What could the doctor have said? Things couldn’t have gotten that bad so quickly … could they?

“I uh … I need to talk to you kids.” He said even though he knew Severus wasn’t a kid anymore. He knew he wasn’t around the first time this happened and it had to be as hard on him as it was for them. He may not have known her as long as her family did, but they were the closest thing he had to a real family. “The doctor said it doesn’t look good. Treatment isn’t doing anything, her cancer is progressing faster than they had anticipated.” He said, his eyes tearing up again. “She’s …” He paused unable to voice the words out loud. “She’s not going to have much longer. They say three months …” His voice broke at the end and he wasn’t able to continue. Severus leaned back against the wall. Three months? She wasn’t supposed to die for another year or two! Three months?! Did the treatments make it worse? Advance it? Had he changed something else that affected it? 

“What?” Lily’s voice came out in a hoarse whisper. “No …” She shook her head. “So they’re just giving up on her?” Tears started to gather in her eyes. “They’re not even going to try!?” This was wrong. Everything was wrong. Hearing a time limit like that, it didn’t make sense to hear those words aloud. The white walls, stark fluorescent lights, and sterile hospital smell made everything seem all the more unreal. They couldn’t have come to this. Not already. She shook her head. “How … how’s she taking this?”

Petunia stood staring at the two of them, unspeaking, her face white, staring at Lily and Severus. Though she didn’t say anything, there was a reproachfulness in her eyes, a demand that they should do something, that they should be able to fix this somehow.

“She's putting on a brave face, but … She's frightened.” He said honestly as Severus leaned in to whisper into Lily’s ear. 

“Remember what I said … Before …. I think I should talk to your dad about it. It may be her only chance.” He whispered despite the risk it would put to himself as well as her. 

Lily froze. She remembered what Severus had said before, what the risks were. She could lose her mum and Severus both. She couldn’t bear that. But things were desperate. Her fears all lay in an uncertain future, in outcomes that hadn’t been determined. The only certainty was that her mother was out of other options. Without saying anything, Lily nodded. She hated everything about this … But they should at least talk about it. 

“Mr. Evans …. May I talk to you a moment? In private?” He asked as Petunia shot him a dirty look. 

Mr. Evans looked steadily at Severus, his eyes questioning. He didn’t know what else Severus thought he could do now. He had already warned them that this was coming. They had already done everything that they could … But he was anxious to hear what Severus had to say none-the-less. He nodded. “Yes,” he said, his voice coming out subdued. “Yes, alright.”

Severus followed Mr. Evan’s to the nearby lounge area which had been vacant for the past few hours. He took a seat next to Mr. Evans. 

“I want to tell you something I found. But before you say yes … I need you to understand the risks it could pose.” He said quietly since there were doctors and nurses still passing them occasionally. “I may have found a way to help her. It would be a last resort and by the looks of it … It’s getting close to it. It’s all happening a lot faster than I recall. Then again I wasn’t involved at the time so … Perhaps it’s happening at the same pace. I’m not sure. But I found that the reason why cancer is not researched or cured in the wizarding world, is because our magic keeps cancer cells dormant. It stops cancer from developing in our bodies … I’ve found a way to connect my chakra network to hers, and in doing so I can attempt to activate it. I doubt I’ll be able to turn her into a witch, it wouldn’t go that far … But I may be able to activate it enough to fight off the cancer that’s developed in her body.” He said watching Mr. Evan’s reaction. 

Mr. Evans’ eyes widened as Severus spoke, his mind racing to connect the implications. He was already drained and shaken from the news that Heather was out of options, and now … Was he really hearing this? “Severus,” he whispered. “Are you … Are you telling me there’s a chance you can save her?”

“It’s all …. Theoretical really. But in doing so it does pose a lot of risks. It could speed up her cancer, it could kill her in the process. In trying this, you could lose precious weeks, even months with her … If we were to do it, we’d have to do it soon before she gets weaker and … I don’t know what it’ll do to me either …” He said. He had a theory of what it would do to him … But he didn’t want that to effect Mr. Evan’s decision. 

“I ... I see,” Mr. Evans said, looking down at the floor for a moment. “So … There’s no precedent for something like this at all? There’s no way of … of predicting what her chances are if we try this?” He felt completely torn, facing so many possible ways to lose his wife.

“No. I couldn’t even give you a percentage of the chances …. Either it’ll work or it won’t. And if it doesn’t, any number of things could happen, some of which I can’t even predict. But there is a chance it could work, and it may be her only chance. It’s a matter of if that chance wants to be taken.” 

Mr. Evans nodded solemnly. “And you said… there’s some risk to you too?”

Severus was silent for a moment before he sighed and nodded. “Yes. But it’s a risk I’m willing to take if you decide to take that chance.” He said. “I wouldn’t have brought it up with you if I wasn’t. What happens to me is not your responsibility, as much as you don’t like to think about it … I am thirty nine years old … I’m capable of making my own decisions.” 

“I suppose you are,” Mr. Evans said wryly, with a bitter grimace that might have been a brief attempt at a smile. He looked up from the floor again, meeting Severus’s eyes. “The only person who can really decide what to do is Heather,” he said resignedly. “She needs to know the risks, just like you’ve told me. But … Whatever she decides, thank you. You’ve already done more than any of us could have asked.”

“Then I’ll let you discuss it with her. I think it would be best for it to come from you. Just make sure she’s aware of the risk it may put on her.” He said standing up from the chair. “And please, don’t mention it to Petunia until you’ve both decided … I don’t think she’d take it well if you declined.” 

“You’re right,” Mr. Evans agreed. Whatever Petunia thought was best, she would be adamant about it. Whatever Heather decided, it needed to really be her own decision. This was too important to let anyone pressure her. “I’ll go talk to Heather now … Does Lily already know about this?”

“She does. She was there when I was researching part of it.” He said. “I didn’t want to bring it up with you unless I knew it was necessary. There was no need putting more stress on an already stressful situation for something that may not have been necessary.” 

Mr. Evans nodded. Poor Lily … This had to be putting so much strain on her. But if he knew his daughter, she had probably insisted on helping in any way she could. She could be stubborn when she deemed it necessary. “You handled things well,” he told him. “Really, thank you,” he said sincerely, briefly putting a hand on Severus’s shoulder before starting to head back to the hospital room. “I’ll let you know what Heather decides.”

“Do you know when she’ll be able to go home?” Severus asked as they headed back towards the girls. 

“They want to monitor her overnight,” Mr. Evans said tiredly. “But unless something else happens, she should be able to go home tomorrow.”

“Are you going to stay with Heather tonight?” Severus asked. “If you want I can drive Lily and Petunia home. Unless they’d rather stay.” He said looking down the hall at Lily as they approached. 

Mr. Evans nodded. “Ask them what they’d prefer to do, but … I’ll be staying with Heather.”

Lily watched her father’s face a he came into view, trying to gage how he had taken Sev’s idea. He looked as worn and emotionally exhausted as before. “So,” she said quietly. “What do you think?”

“I think it’s up to your mother,” he said. “I’ll … talk to her about it tonight.”

Severus looked at Lily. “Do you two want to go home? I can take you there. Your father’s going to stay here with your mom.” He asked. 

“I’m not letting you do your freaky magic on me, I’ll stay here.” Petunia said bitterly. 

“I was thinking of driving … Instead … Thank you.” Severus said sarcastically. 

“I ...” Lily was about to say that she wanted to stay, but she hesitated. Her dad probably wanted to talk to her mom alone tonight, to explain the idea without anyone else there to make her feel pressured. “Okay,” she agreed. “I guess we should let her get some rest.”

Mr. Evans hugged her. “I’ll call and give you an update in the morning,” he said, before looking over at Petunia. “What about you, Petunia?” he asked.

“Do you even have a license?” Petunia asked. She wanted to go home and sleep, and she hated hospitals. She wanted to be here for her mom but there was nothing she could do but wait in the hospital waiting room over night and she knew her mother would not want them to do that. 

“Perhaps.” Severus said ominously, a smirk coming to his face making Petunia feel uneasy. 

“I’m sure we’ll all get there in one piece,” Lily said, resisting the urge to roll her eyes.

“One sure … Will it all be in the proper place though?” She asked stalking past him. She was tired and stressed and want to go home. Mr. Evans shook his head and handed Severus the keys. 

“You do know how to drive right?” He asked as Severus nodded. 

“I’ve driven on occasion. It’ll be fine. If I scratch anything I can always fix it remember?” He asked, though that didn’t exactly give Mr. Evan’s the greatest of confidence. Severus took the keys and took a deep breath. “Good luck with Mrs. Evans … Whatever she decides … I’m fully willing to do this.” He said. 

Lily took hold of Severus’s hand as they headed out, her expression subdued. So much of this was out of her hands … Even if her mom decided to try Severus’s idea, there was still so much at risk … She could easily lose both of them. Her hand tightened around Severus’s at the thought.

Severus walked with Lily, holding her hand for support until they got to the car, honestly surprised that Mr. Evans trusted him enough to drive. He got into the driver's seat and started the car … And realized he hadn’t driven in almost fifteen years. Well, it wouldn’t be too hard anyway. He started the car after a bit of difficulty. 

“You can drive right?” Petunia asked again. Severus didn’t answer as he pulled the car out of the parking spot and started heading home, being oddly careful and driving a bit under the speed limit. “God my grandmother drives faster than you.” Petunia complained. 

“First you were scared of me being a danger, and now you’re complaining I’m too cautious. There’s no winning with you is there?” Severus asked. 

“Not for you, there isn’t,” Petunia confirmed, crossing her arms and leaning back against the seat.

“I could have told you that,” Lily sighed, looking out the window at the darkened streets. There was almost no one else out on the road.

They made it home in one piece and Severus parked the car in the garage, he’d take Lily and Petunia back in the morning so Mr. Evans would have a way home. When they got in Petunia went immediately to her room and slammed the door shut behind her, not caring for being home alone with her sister and her pet freak. 

Severus approached Lily, his hand moving to her shoulder. “Are you okay?” He asked quietly. 

Lily looked up into Severus’s dark eyes. She didn’t even know how to begin to answer that question. She didn’t have the words to explain the turmoil of worry that was relentlessly attacking her mind right now. Anyway, Severus had just volunteered to risk himself for her mother, and he was still asking if she was okay? 

“I’m fine,” she started to say, but her voice choked up and tears welled up in her eyes.

Severus shook his head as he pulled her into his arms. “You don't have to be strong for me Lily. It's your mother …” He said, his arms wrapped around her. 

She hugged Severus tightly, as if he were the only thing holding her world together, burying her face against him as she broke down sobbing. “I didn’t think it would come to this so soon,” she whispered.

“Neither did I …” He said. “I thought she would have more time.” He said rubbing his hand over her back. “It feels like I just made it worse.” 

“No,” Lily said, shaking her head as she held him tighter. “You have done everything you could to help.”

“And it's getting worse.” He said, his arms tightening around her. To be honest he was terrified. He had to save her, but what if this killed her? What if they lost her sooner because of him? What if he died trying to save her? It was all theory really, it could kill them both. He had never been scared of dying before, in fact, just a few short years ago he would have welcomed it with open arms …. But now … He had something to lose. 

Lily looked up at him, tears still streaming down her face. “Don’t you dare blame yourself for that,” she said fiercely. “You have done nothing but help, and … and I don’t want to lose either of you.” 

Severus said nothing as he hugged her. The reality was, she could lose them both if this went wrong. “I'm sorry.” He said quietly, kissing the top of her head. 

After a long moment, Lily said quietly, “You know no one would ask you to go through with this, right? It’s your choice too. If you don’t want to risk it … You don’t have to.”

“I know …” Severus said quietly. “But your parents are the closest thing I have to a functional family, even if I don’t really belong here. I don’t want to lose her either.” 

Lily nodded, understanding. “Thank you for being here,” she whispered. She didn’t know what she would have done if he wasn’t here.

“We should get some sleep.” He said, his hand still rubbing her back. “It’s really early.” He said glancing at the clock on the wall, the hands indicating it was 3:20 in the morning. 

“I don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep,” Lily admitted. Even as emotionally exhausted as she was, the worries swarming through her head kept her nerves wound tight. And she doubted being alone in the dark with her thoughts would do anything to alleviate that. “But … You’re right. We should try, at least.”

Severus nodded and took her hand, heading upstairs. “In a few hours we can go back to the hospital. See your mom again, see if they’ve decided.” He said, his hand on her arm. 

“Right,” Lily said quietly, so tense she was almost shaking, her shoulders tight, unable to relax. There was no way she would be able to sleep tonight. “Just a few hours.”

“It’ll be okay Lily.” He said, though he really couldn’t promise that. Still … He had to believe that. 

“I hope so,” she said, though she knew neither of them could be certain. She looked over at him as they reached the top of the stairs. “Thank you,” she said earnestly. “For being here through all of this.”

“Where else would I be?” He asked, forcing a small smile onto his face. He wouldn’t be anywhere else but by her side, no matter what, he’d always be here to support her. So long as she would have him. 

Lily hesitated for a moment, looking up into Severus’s dark eyes, before she leaned up and kissed him gently. “Seriously,” she said quietly. “Thank you.”

Severus froze, not reacting to the kiss but it ended so quickly he doubted she noticed. He didn't know where they currently stood, or if they were even still dating, since he'd told her the truth about everything it had been something that had been bothering him. But now wasn't the time to bring that up. 

“You're … Welcome.” He said quietly before clearing his throat. “Good night Lily.” He said before heading towards his room. 

“Goodnight,” Lily responded. She turned and headed to her room. 

It had been hard, trying to figure out where to go from here, after learning everything that Severus had been keeping from her. But lately … He was quickly becoming the one consistent thing in her life. She knew who he was, more clearly than she had thought. Whatever else he might have been, he was her Sev still, underneath it all. And she needed him more now than ever.

She crawled into bed, pulling the covers over herself and curling into a tight ball. She lay there for what seemed like ages, exhausted but unable to sleep. Her thoughts swirled in a dark, overwhelming storm, refusing to subside. Every muscle was tense with stress, and refused to relax. Finally, she got up, and made her way across the hall and into the guest room, before quietly climbing into bed with Severus.

Severus woke up slightly when he felt Lily crawl into bed next to him. He didn't say anything as he pulled the blanket up over her and wrapped his arms around her, though he was unable to stay awake and quickly fell asleep once again with her in his arms, his thumb tracing a line over her back even as he fell asleep. 

Snuggling close against Severus, Lily closed her eyes, breathing more easily as she felt the tension in her shoulders lessen, and she was finally able to relax. She focused on just the feeling of his arms around her, the sound of his gentle breathing as he slept. Gradually, her thoughts began to calm, and she was able to drift off to sleep.


	56. A plan in action.

“Oh … My …. God!” Severus woke up at the sound of Petunia’s shocked voice. “I'm telling dad!” She said before stomping down the hall. Severus groaned and rolled over in bed. What time is it? He glanced at the clock. It was almost noon. They'd slept a lot later than they had intended but he was sure Mr. Evans would understand. Even with the late sleep in, by the time they'd managed to fall asleep it had been 6am and they'd only slept maybe 6 hours at most. 

Lily groaned sleepily as she heard Petunia stomp away down the hall. “Fine,” she mumbled groggily. “You go do that.” She looked over at Severus. “Sorry,” she yawned, waking up just enough to feel awkward. “I should have known she’d throw a fit.”

“It’s okay.” Severus said, his eyes still closed, half asleep as he sprawled on the bed on his back beside her. 

She made herself sit up, surprised at how late they’d slept. There was no way she would have slept that soundly if Severus hadn’t been here. She looked down at him, suddenly overwhelmed by the uncertainty of the future, and a deep fear of losing him. “I … should probably get up,” she said quietly, stretching before reluctantly getting out of bed.

“Mhmm.” He grumbled, already falling asleep again. 

“Do you want a few more minutes before I come wake you up?” Lily asked. As sleepy as he still looked, she would have been content to leave him be, but she did need a ride back to the hospital. 

Severus groaned and stretched, the blanket falling slightly revealing his bare chest. “No … I’m up.” He said rolling over and tiredly sitting up in the middle of the bed, rubbing his eye with his hand. 

“Alright,” Lily said, before leaving to go get dressed, just throwing on jeans and a t-shirt before going downstairs to make breakfast.

A few minutes later Severus came down in just his pajama pants, not even caring that he wasn’t wearing a shirt. He was tired, and to be honest, despite not being a coffee drinker, oddly enough found himself craving some. He, however, forgoed the coffee and looked in the cupboard for the strongest tea they had. 

“Ew!” Petunia said as she came into the kitchen. “Put a shirt on, you’re blinding me.” 

“Oh, shut up, Petunia,” Lily said tiredly, dishing out eggs and toast onto three plates. “We’re all on edge and exhausted and worried sick as it is, you don’t have to be rude on top of everything else.” She had neither the patience to deal with Petunia’s attitude this morning, nor, strangely, the energy to be really bothered by it.

“Or he could not be rude, and actually put some clothes on.” She said as Severus sat down at the table. 

“Are you really bothered by it?” Severus asked. “Why? Think you might develop a sexual attraction? I mean if you do Petunia, all you have to do is ask.” He said winking at her as he picked up his fork. 

Lily snorted at that. “Of course, if you took him up on that offer,” she said, pouring a cup of tea. “I’d have to turn you into a newt.”

“Ew … Like anyone would actually be attracted to you.” She said snottily before she picked up her plate and moved into the living room. Severus said nothing as he picked at his eggs. Like that was something he needed to be reminded of. 

“Then what are you telling dad, again?” Lily said, shaking her head before she took a bite of toast. Really, now was hardly the time for Petunia to be difficult.

Severus finished off his eggs but not his toast before he took the plate to the sink, tossing out the toast. “I’m going to go get dressed, then we’ll go.” He said flatly. 

“You okay?” Lily frowned, confused. “You seem kind of … down, suddenly.” Not that they didn’t all have reason to be, but … within the last five minutes he suddenly seemed despondent.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” He said, though it didn’t sound too convincing before he headed upstairs to get dressed. 

“I’m not buying it,” Lily said, shaking her head as she headed upstairs as well. “Something’s bothering you. What is it?”

“It’s nothing.” Severus said, glad he’s already has his pants on when she’d come into the room. “Are you going in that, or are you going to change?” 

“Plus a sweater and a jacket, maybe,” Lily said with a shrug, crossing her arms. “You’re changing the subject. If it’s bothering you, it’s not nothing.”

“It’s not something that needs to be discussed right now.” He said. “It’s stupid. It can wait.” 

“Severus,” Lily said gently. “Please just tell me what’s bothering you.”

Severus sighed. “It’s just …. What Petunia said bothered me … That’s all.” He said shaking his head. 

“But …” Lily shook her head, a little perplexed. “You know that’s not true, right? I mean, obviously I’m attracted to you, for one thing.”

“I believe that you were … But …” Severus sighed as he sat down on the bed. “We’ve been kind of … weird … since I told you about everything. Not distant but … Last night was the first time we’ve been close since then, and the only reason that happened is because of-” He paused. “I know last night was simply that but … I don’t even know where we stand right now.” He sighed and shook his head. “This is silly, I shouldn’t be talking about this right now, you have enough going on, let’s just go.” He said picking up his shirt off the floor. 

“Wait,” Lily said quietly, sitting down on the bed. “You’re right, we haven’t really talked about … us. And things have kind of changed since I was mad at you.” If Severus and her mom decided to go through with this, and something went wrong … She hated the idea that something could happen to Severus, and he might never know how she felt.

Severus shook his head again. “It sounds so petty in comparison to what’s going on right now. There’s been so much going on with the resistance, and now your mother, and detentions with Black …” He said, not even mentioning the other things that had happened … It’s all been happening very fast. Talking about this now just seemed … Not as high of a priority. 

“When would be a good time to talk about it, then?” Lily asked, crossing her arms. “Because I doubt we’re going to run out of high-priority problems anytime soon.”

Severus stared at her for a moment before he seemed to deflate. “Yes, I know that.” He said quietly, wishing he hadn’t even brought this up. He should have just pretended like everything was fine, he’d done it for years, why couldn’t he hide it from her? But he knew the answer as soon as he asked the question. He didn’t want to hide anything from her anymore. 

“So …” Lily said quietly, looking up at him. “Do you want to talk about it now, or after we get back from the hospital?”

“It’s up to you.” He said glancing over at her. “We could talk about it now if you want … It will probably take Petunia an hour to put her face on anyway.” He said trying to lighten to mood.

“True,” Lily said with a slight smile. She sighed. “So … You know my reasoning for distancing myself … I felt like you didn’t give me a chance to decide for myself whether I wanted this relationship, given all the facts. Like you were keeping me in the dark. But … you haven’t kept anything from me since then, and … I really don’t think you would knowingly deceive me about anything that important again.”

“I didn’t mean to deceive you in anything … You know why I kept it from you. You saw what was in those memories, that information is dangerous … Do you have any idea what it would do to me if I killed you again?” He asked looking away from her. 

“Yes, you did,” Lily said flatly. “I understand why you didn’t tell me, but … That stopped being your call when you decided to pursue a relationship with me. I had a right to know the truth about who I was dating. No matter what the risks were … I deserved a chance to weigh those risks for myself and decide what was best.” She shook her head. “You can’t undo the way you handled the situation now, but … If we’re going to move forward from this, I need to know you at least understand that.”

“I know … I do understand that. I felt weird myself taking it as far as it had but … I have no excuse for what I did, I just … I wanted to protect you, and I shouldn’t have pursued a relationship with you … Not until after but … I don’t know, Potter was around, and then I got scared if I didn’t do anything I’d lose you, and then things just … Spiraled out of control.” 

Lily nodded. “I think I can understand it. I don't think you meant to manipulate me or anything like that … It's just that finding out when I did instead of before … It ended up feeling that way. Even now it's pretty overwhelming for me to wrap my head around. You’ve lived years of this whole other life. Even with the memories you've shown me … There's so much I’ll never be able to fully understand or relate to.”

“I know …” Severus said quietly. “I can't change that.” 

“That's not your fault,” Lily agreed. “It was just … difficult to come to terms with, I guess. And the age thing kind of came as a shock too.”

Severus was silent a moment before he nodded and stood up. “Great, so I'm an old pervert …” He said grabbing his jacket off the chair. “Come on, let's just go.” He said heading towards the door, both pissed off and upset but hiding it for the most part. Unfortunately he couldn't keep the sarcasm out of his voice. At least now he knew where they stood. 

“That's not what I meant,” Lily said, following after him, putting a hand on his shoulder and looking up at him. “It took some time to wrap my head around but … After what's happened to you, I don't think you’re really any age anymore. You’re not really the teenager that you appear to be, but you're not exactly the adult that you used to be either. You’re just … Sev.”

“That doesn't even make any sense.” Severus said. “Everyone has an age, how old am I?” 

“Everyone else hasn’t been reborn back in time,” Lily retorted. “How is age as we know it supposed to apply to you? Obviously, you still have all of the experience and memories you acquired over your previous life … You can’t erase that. But there are times when … No offense, but you do act like a teenager. So you’re not exactly the adult you were, either.” She shrugged. “It’s complicated and confusing, and as far as I’ve been able to find out, there’s no precedent for anything like this happening, but … I think assigning you an age either way would oversimplify it.”

“Great … So I'm a complicated old pervert.” He said sarcastically. “Can we go now?” 

Lily looked hurt. “Okay,” she said. Did he see all of this as a mistake? Was he not interested anymore? “We can try to talk about this again later when you’re not putting words in my mouth.”

“How am I putting words in your mouth, it seems a pretty accurate summary of what you're saying.” He said leaning against the wall. “If you're not interested just tell me.” 

“You complicated old idiot,” Lily said, frustrated. “I am interested! I just … want to move forward knowing you don’t plan on keeping secrets like that from me again.”

“You're ….” Severus didn't seem to hear the rest of it. He's tuned out after she said she was interested. “Really?” He asked a stupid grin on his face. 

“Yes, really,” Lily sighed, her expression softening as she looked up at him. “And … I needed you to know that.” The more she thought about it, the more she kept coming to the conclusion that he was still her Sev. Even as angry as she’d been with him … She still loved him. And after he’d become relatively open with her about his past, she was willing to take the risk and trust that he wouldn’t keep her in the dark like that again.

Severus opened his mouth to speak before Petunia’s voice rang from the hall. “If you two are done snogging I actually want to go see mom some time today!” She said before stomping down the stairs again. Severus sighed and shook his head. 

“She always has to ruin things doesn’t she?” He asked. “But she’s right, we should get going.” 

“Yes,” Lily said, nodding. “Let’s head over there.” By now, her mum would have heard about her options … She wondered if she had decided yet what she wanted to do. Lily was terrified of the answer either way. They didn’t even know yet all of the things that could go wrong.

Severus grabbed the keys when they got downstairs and Petunia was already in the car. They were all silent as they drove back to the hospital and got back to Heather’s room. 

Heather looked up tiredly from her bed as they entered the room. She looked pale and tense, as if she’d passed a sleepless night. Mr. Evans was sitting at her bedside, holding her hand. He stopped in the middle of saying something, looking up anxiously as they entered. He didn’t look like he’d gotten any more sleep than she had.

“Hi, Mum,” Lily said quietly. “How are you holding up?”

“Are … you doing okay?” Petunia asked, suddenly subdued. Her anger before seemed to have been put on pause. Now that Lily stopped to think about it, Petunia didn’t look like she’d gotten much sleep either.

“I'm as fine as to be expected,” Heather said, holding her hand out to her daughters. Severus remained in the doorway as Petunia moved to her mum’s bedside.

Lily went over to her, taking her hand. “Have you …” her words didn’t quite want to come out. “Decided what you want to do?”

 

“I’ve thought about it,” Heather said evenly, looking over at Severus. “Though I need to ask a few more questions to understand better before I decide.”

Petunia looked from her mother to Severus, then at Lily. “You came up with something,” she said, her tone half hopeful, half accusing. “Didn’t you.”

“Let your mother and Severus discuss it first. It is entirely her decision.” Henry said as he lead Petunia and Lily from the room. Petunia glared at Severus, angry that everyone seemed to know something but her. Once they were out of the room and the door was closed, Severus stood awkwardly in the doorway a moment before he stepped in closer. 

“So … This idea you have,” Heather said, a little hesitantly, looking up at him. “How exactly would it work?”

“I can’t really explain precisely how it would work. I’d give you some dreamless sleep potion, so you’ll be asleep when it happens. But, I’d transfer my magical energy into you. If it works ... Then it should activate your chakra network enough that it’ll fight off the cancer cells.” 

“Henry says this would be completely experimental, that it’s never been attempted before,” Heather said. “But … As far as you can predict theoretically, what are the risks?”

“I don’t know …” Severus said. “Like you said, it’s never been attempted before. So …. I really couldn’t answer that. Any number of things could happen … It could potentially put a strain on your chakra network which could kill you.” 

Heather was quiet for a moment, and looked steadily back at Severus. “And what are the risks to you?” she asked.

Severus was silent a moment before he spoke again. “I don't know …” he said honestly. 

“But there is a possible risk to you?” Heather asked, concerned. He hadn’t been sure what the risks to her were, but he’d at least laid out the worst case scenario. She was more than a little worried that he didn’t do that when she asked him about his own safety.

“I've already weighed the risks to myself, and I am willing to do this … If there's a chance of saving you, then I'd like you to let me try.” 

“You’re young, Severus,” Heather said quietly. “You shouldn’t make that decision too quickly. Is there … Do you think that there is any chance that we could both die?” If it was just her own life at risk, that was one thing. The doctors gave her a few months at most. But if the risks might be that dire for Severus … That was something completely different.

“No.” He lied. He knew if he said yes, then she would decline. He didn't want his life to be a factor in her decision. “It will drain me of my magic …. But it wouldn't be any different than me draining it from use.” He lied. 

“You’re absolutely sure about that?” Heather pressed. “I mean, if no one’s ever tried this before, how can you be certain?”

“I can't …” He said. “But it wouldn't put as much of a strain on my chakra network as it would on yours. Mine is used to draining and regenerating … Yours has been dormant your entire life.” He said. “There's less of a risk to me than there is to you.” 

“That makes sense ... I suppose,” Heather said, crossing her arms. She felt cold. “What does Lily think of all this?” she asked quietly. She knew the situation had to be tearing both of her daughters apart, even if they’d put on a brave face for her. 

“She's agreed that it would be best to try. But I think she's scared.” He said honestly. 

“We’re all scared,” Heather sighed, looking down at the sheets, before she looked back up at Severus. “How long would it take you to prepare to do this?” she asked.

“From what I hear they're releasing you tomorrow night …. I can do it whenever you're ready.” He said. “Though the sooner it happens, the higher chance it has of succeeding. If you're body is too weak …” 

“I understand,” Heather said quietly. “I want a couple of days to get things in order, spend some time with my family in case … in case it doesn’t go well.”

Severus nodded once. “This weekend then?” He asked. 

“This weekend,” Heather agreed, before reaching for his hand. “Severus,” she said seriously. “Whatever happens, I want you to know that I’m grateful to you for trying, and I’m proud of you.”

If she knew what he’d actually done in the past, she wouldn’t be. “I know.” He said forcing a small smile on his face before he stood and moved to collect her family from the waiting room. 

Lily looked up at Severus as he arrived in the waiting room. “What did she say?” she asked. Petunia was looking at him just as questioningly, but with crossed arms and a more resentful expression.

“We’re going to do it this weekend.” He said. “She wants a few days with her family before we make the attempt in case …” Severus paused, not wanting to finish the sentence.

“In case you screw everything up?” Petunia said flatly, crossing her arms.

“Petunia, do you have to do this now?” Lily said.

“What?” Petunia retorted, looking back at Severus. “It’s a possibility, isn’t it? If it were easy or risk free, you’d have done it already, right?”

“Would you prefer I not try at all?” He asked. “In case you haven’t noticed, she’s dying … She’s going to die either way, and she’s taking a risk that may save her life.” He said annoyed. “Yes, there are risks … But is the alternative any better. You’ve been blaming me since the get go, saying I should have some magical answer …. Here’s your answer and you’re still complaining. I’m not going to apologize that magic doesn’t work the way you want it to.” 

“Who’s asking you to?” Petunia said bitterly, shaking her head. “I just needed a straight answer out of you for once. If there are risks, I want to know it. And if someone,” she said, looking pointedly over at Lily. “Could maybe be bothered to keep me in the loop until … until this is over, I’d appreciate it.” She was so sick of being the last person to know. And people wondered why she eavesdropped and snooped. It was the only way she ever got to be a part of things. Even when it was this important.

“Okay,” Lily said quietly, feeling strangely guilty. They’d been keeping things from Petunia, worried about how she would react … But Heather was her mother too. And now that she’d made her decision, there didn’t seem to be any danger left of Petunia pushing for one choice or another. “We can do that.” She looked over at her father. “Do we know if she’ll be able to come home for those couple of days, or would it be safer for her to stay here?”

“She’s being released tomorrow.” Henry said. “She’ll be at home with us.” 

Severus nodded. “I’ll be preparing in the meantime. Then on Saturday … We hope for the best.” He said. 

“Hope for the best …” Petunia repeated wryly. “That’s a nice way to put it.” But what else could any of them do? That was really the most terrifying thing about all of this.


	57. The Fine Art of the Dark Arts

Severus walked down the stairs, willing his hands to stop shaking. He wanted so badly to change his mind. To not do this. To push the date back further. But … she was getting weaker every day. It was apparent … He took a deep steadying breath as he moved into the living room where Heather was surrounded by her family. 

“Hello, Severus,” Heather said, smiling tiredly.

Lily looked up at him as he entered the room. Her face was pale, and her eyes showed that she hadn’t slept. This was it, then. After today, everything just might be alright again. Or she could lose both of them. But both Severus and Heather had already made their choice.

Severus took a deep breath. “Hello.” He said. “Where um … Where did you want to do this?” He asked. 

“Where do you think would be best?” Heather asked. If Severus was about to attempt difficult and unprecedented magic, it seemed they ought to make sure he had every advantage possible to help him concentrate.

“Well, ideally you’d need somewhere you can lay down. And have enough room around you that we can work.” He said. 

“We?” Petunia asked. “I thought you were going to do this.” 

“I am …” Severus said. “But I’ll need all of your help. The transfer is going to take up almost all my energy, and I may need help staying where I am if anything were to happen,” he said. “We can’t cut off the connection until it’s done. No matter what happens.” 

“Would this room work?” Heather asked. “There’s plenty of space for everyone, and I could lay on the couch.”

“The back would get in the way. But the floor or a bed would work.” He said nervously. He knew no one was going to be happy about this.

“You can use our room, then,” Henry said quietly. It was better that Heather be as comfortable as possible, especially if … he couldn’t think about that right now. He reached out and took her hand in his, unsure whether her hand was shaking or his.

Severus nodded. “I have everything ready,” he said holding up a small vial that was in his shaking hand. He was terrified, but was doing his best to hide it. If he could face the Dark Lord without so much as batting an eye, he could keep a brave face for this. 

“Alright,” Heather said, drawing in a deep breath, though slowly, as if afraid she might start coughing. “Shall we … shall we go give this a try, then?” Though she was no more nonchalant about it than Severus was. She stood with Henry’s help, and they started making their way to the living room door, followed by Petunia.

“Severus,” Lily said quietly, putting a hand on his arm and looking up with him. “Can … can I have a minute before you do this?”

Severus looked at her a moment before he nodded. “Sure.” He said stepping into the living room again as the other three reached the top of the stairs. 

“I …” Lily was unsure of what to say, what words to order in what way to coherently communicate the warring emotions inside her. She walked up and wrapped her arms around him, holding him tight. “I lo-” 

“Don't.” Severus said cutting her off. “Not now … Don’t act like this is a goodbye … You can tell me after this is all over. And it won't be because you …” He paused not wanting to voice what they were both thinking. Not wanting to think about his rising blood pressure, his speeding heart rate … He had to calm down … He had to focus … 

Lily nodded. If that was what Severus needed from her right now … she could do that. “I’ll hold you to that,” she said firmly. “We’ll all get through this okay, and afterward I will say some incredibly sappy and sentimental things, and there is nothing whatsoever you can do to stop me.” She leaned up and kissed him.

“Well, I shall ensure I receive all the sappy and sentimental things you tell me.” He said. “Come on.” He said taking her hand. “We’re stalling.” He said kissing her once more before they headed upstairs. 

“Right,” Lily said, taking his hand and going up with him, arriving at her parents’ room, where everyone was waiting for them. 

“Why are you in your pajamas?” Petunia asked looking him over.

“Because I need as much freedom to move as possible and I didn't think showing up naked was the most appropriate thing to do.” He said sarcastically and nearly smirking at the flustered look on her reddened face. He went up to Heather who was laying on the bed. “You'll have to lay flat, no pillow.” He said playing with the vial in his hand. 

“Okay,” Heather said shakily, sharing one more tight embrace with Henry, which somehow turned into a group hug with Lily and Petunia, all clinging to her tighter than they meant to. “I’ll be fine,” she reassured them with a soft smile. “If you let me breathe, that is.” 

Reluctantly, everyone withdrew from the hug, and Heather sat down on the edge of the bed, wincing quietly with pain as she moved. Hopefully, that would be over soon. One way or another. She lay back on the bed on top of the covers, as Lily moved the pillows out of the way.

Before she could lay all the way down he handed her the potion in his hand, removing the topper. “It’ll taste gross, but you have to drink it all.” He said, his hand oddly still. He had a blank expression on his face, and that cold look came back to his eyes. That same look he had when he first came into the past. He wanted to be warm and comforting for Heather’s sake, but he knew if he did he wouldn’t be able to keep it together …. Wouldn’t be able to remain focused. 

“Alright,” Heather said, taking the vial of potion in her shaking hands. She noticed the change in Severus’ eyes … but she thought she understood. By accepting his offer, she was putting a lot of responsibility on this young man’s shoulders. She knew he was scared too. If he could detach himself from the situation, it would be easier on him. 

She raised the potion to her lips, making a face as she drank it down. It was unspeakably bitter. But the past few months had been filled with bitter medications and painful, exhausting treatments. It was nothing new.

Severus watched her as she gently fell asleep. He took a deep breath and backed up slightly. “I’m going to need all three of you to help me.” He said looking up at Henry. 

“What do you need us to do?” Henry asked seriously. Right now, he was willing to follow just about any instructions that might help.

“This … May seem a bit awkward, which is why I waited for her to take the potion before I talked about it … I’m going to have to be above her when this happens. I’ll need one of you on either side of me, and possibly one behind. This is going to drain me of almost all my energy so I’m going to need you three to keep me up until this is complete. Don’t pull me away from her until it’s done.” 

“How will we know when it’s done?” Petunia asked stepping towards the bed. Severus glanced at her. 

“You’ll know.” He said simply as he climbed onto the bed and awkwardly positioned himself over Heather, one knee on either side of her. 

Henry went to go stand on one side of the bed, Petunia on the other, while Lily went to go kneel behind Severus. “What do we do next?” Lily asked.

“Just make sure I stay up … And don’t pull me away.” He said. 

“What happens if you’re pulled away?” Henry asked. 

“It would sever the connection between our chakra lines … You’d essentially be splitting our life forces … At best? We both die.” He said tilting his head and licking his lips before taking a deep breath. “At worst …” He said letting the sentence hang, since he really didn’t know what would happen. “You all ready?” He asked. 

Lily nodded nervously.

“Ready as we’ll ever be.” Henry said, already holding his hands out near Severus as if he were spotting him in some kind of sport. 

Severus closed his eyes for a moment before he looked down at Heather, moving his hands in a specific pattern before his hands started glowing a bright blue. He moved his hands down to her chest, a few inches above her heart, and her chest started to glow slightly, not nearly as bright, it could barely even be called dim, but it was there …. Faintly. 

Severus lowered his hands until they touched Heather’s chest, right over her heart. 

“Shouldn’t we be monitoring her vitals or something?” Petunia asked. 

“There’s no point, stop talking!” Severus snapped, still focusing on what he was doing. 

“No poi-” Petunia stopped when Henry glared at her. She knew that look. And she knew they were both right. Even the slightest mistake could make the difference. The dim glow from Heather’s chest flowed into Severus’ hand until they connected, and the glow seemed to merge together between Heather and himself. He could already feel himself tensing. This hurt a lot more than he thought it would, like a fire burning through his muscles, and he just started. He focused on his breathing as he gently worked his chakra into her, focusing on doing it slowly and evenly so it wouldn’t put too much strain on her. 

He could feel the energy draining out of him, and he wanted nothing more than to pull back, could feel his own survival instinct telling him to stop. This wasn’t natural … This wasn’t something he was supposed to be doing. His body was trying to make him stop. But he pushed on. Within minutes his entire body was covered in sweat, his breathing becoming heavier, the glow becoming slightly brighter as he pushed a little too hard and he had to force himself to slow down again. He just wanted to get it over with … God it hurt so much. He groaned, his hands starting to shaking and he could feel Henry and Lily grab onto him. Was he already collapsing? 

He could feel his eyes drooping, and the connection slowed as they pulled him back up right. He felt something wet on his mouth, barely registered the taste of blood as he shook his head to clear it and looked down through blurry eyes to focus as best as he could on what he was doing. He knew Henry was talking, trying to keep his concentration on what he was doing. 

He was surprised he was even able to keep the connection going, he felt like he couldn’t breathe. Within minutes, which felt like much longer to Severus, the connection broke. Henry grabbed onto Severus as he collapsed, quickly pulled him off the bed and onto the floor as he started shaking, his entire body convulsing. 

“What’s happening?” Petunia asked, looking between Severus and her mother who wasn’t moving. She couldn’t even tell if she was breathing, she hadn’t even reacted at all to what Severus was doing. Was she even still alive? Had the connection broken too soon? Was this supposed to happen? 

“Severus!” Lily shouted, running to his side, panicking. She looked up at Petunia. “Is mum okay? Is she breathing?”

“You ran to him first?” Petunia asked angrily. She went over to her mother and checked her pulse. It was still strong, though a bit fast. “She’s alive … She seems fine but … I don't know, her heart's beating really fast.” She said looking down at Snape who was clearly having some kind of seizure. 

“Keep monitoring her,” Lily said, not knowing what else to do. “Let us know if anything changes.” She didn’t know if an increased heartbeat was expected, or if it would stabilize on its own, or what to do if it didn’t. And she didn’t know how to help Severus either. But the way he was thrashing about, he could seriously injure himself. She grabbed a pillow from the chair where they’d put them and put it under his head, so that it wouldn’t hit against the floor while he convulsed. “Please both be okay,” she whispered under her breath.

Henry started a timer as he turned Severus onto his side. “Watch him.” Henry said. “It’ll be fine.” He said though he really wasn't sure. He shouldn't have agreed to this. He went over and checked on Heather, already her pulse was returning to a normal rate. 

Lily nodded, laying a hand on Severus’s shoulder. “You’re going to be okay,” she said quietly. Though she didn’t even know if he could hear her. “Mum’s okay, and you’re going to be okay too.”

It was nearly four minutes before Severus stopped seizuring, his breathing was heavy, his nose thankfully had stopped bleeding. Henry moved over to him and knelt down on the ground. 

“Severus?” He asked. The seizure stopped. He should be responding. “Severus, can you hear me?” 

Even Petunia looked at him, a worried look on her face. “Should I call an ambulance?” She asked. 

“I don’t think they’ll be able to help with this,” Lily said, brushing back Severus’s hair out of his face. “I’ll … I’ll call Madame Pomfrey,” she resolved. She didn’t want to risk getting Severus into trouble, but this was beyond the point where she could do anything to help him. They needed someone qualified. “She’ll know what to do.”

At least, she hoped she would. She hadn’t wanted it to come to this, she was terrified already of the inevitable questions, and how she was possibly going to keep Severus out of trouble … But he still wasn’t recovering. Hopefully, Madame Pomfrey would understand. She went down to the fireplace, threw in the Floo powder, and prayed that Madame Pomfrey would answer. It was the holidays, after all … What if she didn’t respond until it was too late?

Within a few moments Madam Pomfrey came to the floo network. “Lily? What’s wrong? It’s really late.” She said, knowing Lily wouldn’t be calling on a holiday unless it was an emergency. “Is it your mother?” She asked, having heard about Lily’s mother. Though there wasn’t anything she really could do in her case. They’d talked about it at length months ago. 

“Not exactly,” Lily said, shaking her head. Though depending on her condition by the time Madame Pomfrey could get here, she might need help too. “It’s … it’s Severus. He’s having seizures, and he won’t wake up, and … and he needs your help. Please.”

“Step back.” She said, and came through the floo before she even knew if Lily had moved. She looked around before she followed Lily upstairs. 

“Thank you,” Lily said, leading her upstairs to where they had Severus resting on his side where Henry had positioned him, still completely unresponsive.

Pomfrey came in and assessed the situation, using her wand to scan Severus to see what was wrong. She looked around the room. “What happened here?” She asked. 

“He was in the middle of a spell and he just … collapsed,” Lily said, evading the specifics for now.

“Specifics Miss. Evans. I can't help him if I don't know details.” She said. “And you better make it quick his heartbeat is slowing.” 

“He … was using direct chakra magic,” Lily said uncomfortably. “Pushing it outward.”

“Lily if you do not give me the whole story I can not help him! Do you want him to die?” She asked. She hated being so forward but she needed to know everything and she could tell Lily was holding back. 

“He was transferring his chakra into my mother,” Lily said, terrified. “Please, can you help him?”

Madam Pomfrey looked at Heather on the bed and shook her head, full understanding coming over her. “You foolish … Foolish children.” She said stepping back from Severus and rushed downstairs. She went to the floo and fire called St. Mungos. 

She explained what had happened and two healers came through. 

“Is he going to be alright?” Henry asked, worried as one of the healers approached his wife and the other Severus. 

“We’ll have to transfer both of them to St. Mungo’s. Monitor them …” She said as the healer used a hovering charm on Severus, lifting him off the ground. “We’ll get him to intensive care, do the best we can for him, and we’ll monitor your wife.” She said sounding not too amused. “I'm baffled you consented to this ….. Any of you.” She said turning to Lily. “And I am ashamed you didn't put a stop to it! Or did neither of you research the consequences?” 

“She … she was dying,” Lily said, tears in her eyes, her voice barely above a whisper, her eyes on Severus’s pale unmoving face. She really might lose both of them … and even if they made it … What would happen to Severus? She’d thought Madame Pomfrey would understand, but … It didn’t look like they could count on that.

“And now he might be! And if he doesn't, he may serve a long stint in Azkaban! If he wakes up. This is dark magic Miss. Evans! I thought you knew better.” She said. 

“Is that really the Ministry’s biggest concern right now?” Lily said, shaking visibly. She felt sick, and she couldn’t keep the tears from falling. “Just … just don’t let him die. Please.”

“It's out of my hands Miss. Evans.” She said. “I'll take you three to St. Mungos to be with your mother.” She said leading them downstairs, Severus and Heather now already there. 

Lily silently followed down the stairs, her eyes on the floor, her thoughts fixated on Severus and her mother. Madame Pomfrey was right … she should have never let this happen. Maybe it hadn’t been her choice to make, but if she’d flat out refused to let this happen … She’d just been so determined to believe there was still hope, that they could cheat fate, and now … now this.


	58. Everything is Not Okay

It was eight hours before the dreamless sleep potion wore off, and Heather woke up feeling, for the first time in months, relaxed and fully rested. As if a weight had been lifted from her chest. 

She glanced around the room and saw an orange line moving through the air. She wasn't in a regular hospital then …. What had happened? 

“Henry?” She asked, looking around the room. 

“I’m here,” Henry said, relief and tension warring in his voice. He stood up from his chair at her side and taking her hand. “How are you feeling?”

Petunia rushed over, looking anxious.

“Petunia, can you go get Lily?” Henry asked quietly. Petunia opened her mouth to protest, but then nodded and left, letting out an irritated huff as she went.

“Where is she? Where's Severus?” She asked, remembering what had happened. Had something happened to him? Was he with Lily? 

“She’s fine,” Henry said, his hand tightening around hers slightly. “Severus … used up a lot of his chakra doing this, but … but he’s alive. How are you feeling?” he repeated.

Petunia and Lily rushed back into the room before Heather had a chance to answer. “Mum,” Lily said, going over to her. She looked like she’d been crying. “You’re awake. Are you okay?”

“I'm fine. I’m not 100% but I feel better. Why are you crying Lily?” She asked, knowing something was wrong. “What aren't you telling me?” She asked. 

Lily traded glances with her father. “It's Severus,” she said quietly. “He's … still not waking up yet.”

“He's in a coma,” Petunia clarified. 

Heather was quiet for a moment, processing what they’d said. “He’s …. He’ll wake up though. Right?” She asked looking at Henry. 

“They don’t know …” Henry said quietly. 

Heather felt tears spring to her eyes. Severus was in a coma because of her … And he may not wake up? 

“It’s not your fault, mum,” Lily said, putting her arms around her.

“Yeah,” Petunia said, putting a hand on her shoulder. “He knew you cared about him … he should have bloody well told you there were risks to his own safety too.”

“It's not his fault.” Heather said. “I … I want to see him.” She said moving to sit up, her muscles sore. Or at least, that was the best way to describe how she was feeling. 

“I think you should rest a little first,” Henry said, concerned.

“I want to see him.” She insisted, moving to the edge of the bed. 

“Okay,” Lily said quietly, moving to her mother’s side to steady her. “We’ll go see him together.”

Heather walked with Lily steadily down the hall until they reached Severus’ room. She expected him to be hooked up to machines and tubes like you would find in a muggle hospital. But there was nothing. It looked as if he was sleeping. 

She walked up to him, her hand reaching out to his, and before she could touch him, a blue spark of electricity shot between them, startling Heather but having no effect on Severus except for the slight increase in his heart beat on the orange line blinking to the left of his bed. 

“I … I don’t know what that was,” Lily said, stunned, looking back and forth between her mother and Severus’ unconscious form, her expression pained.

“I don't either. Did he do it?” She asked. 

“I don’t know,” Lily said quietly. “Maybe … it has something to do with his energy being in you?” She supposed there could be some kind of link between them. But … her mother didn’t have magic.

Lily and Heather sat with Severus for a few hours until one of the healers came and ushered her back to bed to rest. 

“I can't believe this happened.” She said quietly, laying in bed. 

“Neither can I,” Lily said quietly, tears in her eyes. “I wanted so badly for both of you to be okay, but … everything happened so fast …” 

“I don't even know what happened.” She said. “I took the potion and then I woke up here.” 

“It was right as he finished transferring his energy into you …” Henry said quietly, then shook his head. “At least, I guess he was finished … he collapsed into a seizure, and then passed out cold. Lily flooed the Pomfrey lady from Hogwarts, but … she said all she could do was bring you both here.”

“There has to be something they can do.” Heather said quietly.


	59. Shock

Three months. Three long months and Severus had shown very little response to anything, and showed no signs of waking up. 

They’d visited every day. Talked to him. Lily read to him. But there was little anyone could do. 

She came in as usual for her visit, making her way to Severus’ room. By now, all the regular Mediwizards, Mediwitches, and nurses recognized her. She went in and sat down in the chair at his bedside, taking his hand in hers. “Hey, Sev,” she said quietly. “It’s me again.”

As usual there was no response.

Time slunk by in the strange, surreal way that it always did in hospitals. It didn’t matter whether it was a Muggle hospital or a Wizarding one … Time just didn’t seem to function the same way.

A few moments later Heather came in. 

She approached Lily and wrapped her arm around her shoulder as she sat down next to her. “Hey.” She said resting her head on her shoulder. 

“Hey,” Lily said quietly. “Still … more of the same. I was thinking I’d read to him again.”

“Henry and I tried talking to his parents again last night. They won’t come see him. I told her we came to visit and you sometimes read to him.” She said taking an old beat up leather bound book out of her bag. “It was his favourite growing up, she said.” 

“Thank you,” Lily said, taking the book and looking at the title. “This … this might help.”

“Lily.” Heather said moving in front of her. “How have you been at school?” She asked sitting down on the side of Severus’ bed, glancing down at him before looking at Lily. “With coming here almost every night … I think you should take a weekend to yourself. Stay at school. Get a good night's sleep.” 

Lily shook her head. “I’m doing fine,” she said. “And whenever I’m not here, I keep thinking, what if he wakes up when I’m gone? What if he thinks no one was here for him?”

“I’m sure he knows …” She said taking Lily’s hand in hers. “He knows we all care for him, and that we still have our own lives to contend to. He cares for you and he’ll understand, especially when we come see him.” She said putting her hand back down and jumped when a flash what looked to be blue electricity jumped between her hand and Severus’ arm. She moved away from the bed, almost having forgotten that happened the first time she’d touched him. 

“There it is again,” Lily said, staring. But once again, it didn’t seem to hurt Severus … just elevated his heart rate slightly. She looked over at her mother. “Is … is that the first time you’ve touched him since then?”

“Yes, I was scared it would hurt him if it happened again.” She said looking down at Severus. “What is it?” 

“I don’t know,” Lily frowned. “Could you tell which way the electricity jumped? I mean, could you tell if it was going from you to him, or from him to you?” 

Heather looked down at him and reached out her hand and the electricity appeared again but it was too fast to see which direction it jumped before Heather pulled her hand back again in fright. 

“Maybe …” Lily’s eyes widened, thinking it over. “I mean … he passed out in the middle of things … And if this is happening every time …” she looked back up at her mother. “What if … what if the connection was cut short? And the energy transfer is trying to finish? What if that’s the reason …”

“What if that's the reason he's still unconscious.” Heather said looking down at Severus. “Can it be completed?” 

“I don’t know,” Lily said, looking down at Severus. “There’s no way to be sure, but … Now that it’s started, it seems like it’s trying to finish on its own. Maybe it can.”

“What if it kills him?” She asked. “We don't know what this will do. I can't live with that.” 

“I don’t know,” Lily said, worried and uncertain. “We really can’t be sure what will happen. It’s just a theory … But I think that’s what’s happening.”

Heather looked down at Severus. “He said the connection can’t be broken until it's completed … If its uncompleted then … we have to complete it right? Then he’ll wake up.” 

“Hopefully,” Lily said. “In theory it should work.”

“In theory.” Heather said, before reaching out and touching Severus’ hand. It stung but she didn't pull away. The monitor with Severus’ heart rate sped up as the blue shock turned into a glow that formed in Severus’ chest and worked its way through his arm, to his hand and into hers. It was a few moments before there was a snap like an elastic band and Heather jumped back, unsure of what happened. 

Lily looked back and forth between Severus and her mother. He wasn’t showing any signs of waking up yet … but it didn’t seem to have hurt him. He looked more or less the same now as he had before. “How do you feel?” she asked.

“The same.” She said with a shrug. “I don't feel like anything happened.” She said taking Severus’ hand. There was no shock, no flow. Nothing happened. 

Lily sighed. “Well … We can wait and see what happens … We’ve been doing a lot of that anyway.” She didn’t know what she’d expected, but … she couldn’t help feeling disappointed.


	60. In April

Lily had fallen asleep again, slumped over in her chair, her hand still holding Severus’. She started blearily returning to consciousness. She felt something moving against her hand … as if someone were… She opened her eyes, and looked down, to find her hand still in Severus’, his thumb stroking repeatedly against the back of her hand. Her eyes widened, and she looked at his face. “Severus?” she whispered.

He looked extremely tired and almost half confused, as if he didn't know where he was, but he was most definitely awake. At least, to some extent. 

“Sev,” Lily repeated, squeezing his hand gently. He seemed dazed, as if he weren’t fully aware. “Sev, can you hear me? Do you know where you are?”

He still didn't respond, but his thumb kept moving against her hand. 

Lily leaned forward, putting her free hand on his shoulder. “Sev,” she repeated. “Sev, nod if you can hear me.”

He didn't nod but his eyes shifted as he looked more in her direction. “Lily?” He asked, his voice so hoarse it barely came out a grumble. 

“Sev,” Lily said, breathless with relief. Tears started gathering in her eyes. “You’re awake.” She leaned in and kissed him.

Severus didn't respond to the kiss, and seemed to be looking through her rather than at her, his eyes unfocused. He tried to speak but found no sound coming out other than a garbled choke. He paused and swallowed dryly. 

“Hang on,” Lily said, after she’d pulled away from Severus’s dry, chapped mouth. “Let me get you some water …” She picked up a cup on the bedside table, pointed her wand into it, and murmured “Aguamenti,” before bringing it over to him. As out of it as he still seemed, she realized he might not be able to sit up on his own to drink it, so she helped him tilt his head up before bringing the cup to his lips, hoping he’d have at least enough awareness to try to drink it.

Severus sipped the water, his entire body felt heavy and he felt tired. Once she pulled the water away he tried speaking again. “W- happened?” 

“You … were doing the energy transfer and you passed out, had a seizure … You’ve been in a coma for three months,” Lily said, running a hand gently through his hair. “It … it worked though. The doctors have never seen anything like it … as far as their tests can tell, she went from terminal to cancer free in under a week.”

“Oh.” Was all Severus managed to say, not really fully understanding what she said. 

He was still so out of it … Then again, he had just awakened from a coma. “I’m going to go get a Healer, okay?” Lily said. “I’ll be right back.” She quickly stepped out of the room, going to tell the nearest Healer that Severus was awake.

The healer came in followed closely by Heather. “Severus, you're awake.” She said as the healer started examining him. 

“By some miracle, it would seem.” The healer said making some notes. “Can you tell me your name?” 

“Severus Snape.” He said as the healer examined his eyes with a light from his wand.

“And you're age?” He asked. 

“Forty.” He said. The healer looked at him strangely and shook his head, marking something on his sheet. 

“And where are you?” He asked. 

“I don't know.” He said looking around. “Hospital?” He asked more than said. 

Heather looked deeply concerned when Severus didn’t seem to know his own age. Lily just kept her hand on his the whole time, hoping that helped somehow. He was still pretty disoriented.

“Well he still seems to be waking up. Which is good, but surprising. We’ll monitor him over the next few days, and start him on physical therapy later this week.” The healer said. “Welcome back to the waking world Professor Snape.” 

Lily stayed with Severus after the Healer left. “How do you feel?” she asked, though it felt like a somewhat stupid question.

“Exhausted.” He said licking his lips again. “Thirsty. Can … Can you help me sit up?” He asked. 

“Of course,” Lily said, her hands on his shoulders as she helped him to sit up, putting a couple of pillows behind his back once he was upright. “Are you sore at all?” she asked. 

Severus was breathing as if the effort to sit up took all his energy. “A little. I feel … Strange.” 

“Strange how?” Lily asked, sitting down on the side of the bed. 

“I don't know.” He said looking more confused than anything. “I don't know how to explain it … It's like …. I feel hollow.” 

“Well, you did expend an unheard of amount of energy, and then woke up from a three-month coma … You're probably going to feel weird for awhile,” Lily said. “I’m really glad you're awake.”

“So … It's … April?” He asked. 

Lily nodded. “You’ve been out a long time,” she said quietly. 

Severus nodded. Heather stood from her chair. “I’m going to go call Henry, let him know you’re awake. I’m so relieved you’ll be okay Severus. We’ve all been worried about you.” She said patting his leg and leaving the room. She was surprised to see that the guard that had been posted at his door wasn’t there. Instead he was at the desk talking to the healer. 

“Can he walk?” The guard asked. 

“Not yet, he’s too weak.” The healer said. The guard looked annoyed. 

“You have one week, to make him well enough to survive on his own … And then he’s coming with us. And that’s the end of it.” The guard said storming back over to Severus’ room. Heather shook her head at him and walked away looking for someone to help her call her husband. 

Lily glanced up when the guard returned to his post outside of Severus’ door, a flicker of fear and restrained anger in her eyes, until she returned her attention to Severus. “It’s … been a weird few months without you,” she said.

“Has it?” He asked. “I don’t see what’s to miss.” He said with a slight laugh which turned into a breathy cough. His throat felt so dry, and no matter how much water he drank it wasn’t quenching his thirst. 

Lily held up the cup of water for him again. “Well, McGonagall definitely misses having your assistance available … Potter’s actually been stepping up and being responsible, which is inherently weird … And as far as I can tell, Black has still been going to his detentions like clockwork, even though I don’t think there’s anyone there to supervise him. Whatever you said to him, he’s still terrified of being expelled.”

Severus nodded. “Good.” He said quietly. He couldn’t explain why he felt so tired, he just slept for three months hadn’t he? “Can … I sleep?” He asked, not looking at her. Would he wake up again? It frightened him, but he was just so tired. 

“If you want to,” Lily said hesitantly, taking Severus’s hand in hers. “The healers haven’t said you shouldn’t. I’ll be here the whole time, and I’ll wake you up again in a couple of hours, okay?”

Severus nodded and slowly scooted down on the bed again and turned onto his side and within seconds fell asleep again.


	61. Past and Present Nightmares

‘PLEASE! PLEASE HELP US!’ Severus looked around the darkened room, trying to find the source of the screaming. Two young boys cowered in the corner, both clearly muggles. ‘PLEASE DON’T!!! STOP!” Severus tried running towards them to help, but the more he ran the farther they got. 

‘Severus please ….’ He stopped at the new voice and saw Charity Burbage standing not far away. ‘We were friends! You did nothing!’ 

‘I wanted to. I would have …’ 

‘No, you wouldn't have …’ He jumped and fell back as Dumbledore …. No … Dumbledore’s ghost approached. ‘You wouldn't have saved her any more than you would have saved me …’ He said and the two boys were no longer wailing for help. Instead they were looking at him, judging him, alongside their parents who appeared behind them. 

‘I'm sorry … I … I couldn't … I wanted to …’ Excuses, it was all excuses. They started advancing on him, new faces appearing around him, women, children, men, muggles he couldn't save … Couldn't do anything for …. ‘I’M SORRY!’ 

Severus shot awake his entire body shaking and covered in sweat as he actually cried out from his dream. 

“Severus,” Lily said firmly, putting her hands on his shoulders to steady him. “It was a dream … It’s okay. You’re safe.”

“It wasn't a dream … It …. They … I …” He said starting to hyperventilate, his entire body feeling numb. 

“It’s okay,” Lily repeated, running a hand gently over Severus’s back. “You’re okay now. You’re safe. Just breathe. Everything’s alright now.”

“They died … They all did … I … I didn't ….” He tried to calm his breathing but couldn't. 

“Things are different now,” Lily said, thinking she might understand. She pulled him into a hug and just held him. “It’s different now. Everything’s going to be okay this time.”

Severus didn't even have the energy to hug her back as he sobbed against her shoulder, grateful for her presence. He couldn't count the amount of times this has happened and he'd had no one. It was a few moments before Severus wrapped his arms around her and held onto her tightly, as if holding onto her would keep him from going back to the reality he had already moved through … 

For a while, Lily just quietly held him while he cried, hugging him tight to remind him firmly of where he was. She ran a hand gently through his hair, trying to soothe him, wishing she could drain the pain away by touching him so he wouldn’t have to feel like this anymore … She knew she’d only seen a fraction of what he’d been through, and couldn’t even begin to understand how much he was hurting.

“Everyone’s still safe,” she whispered. “You’ve already saved my mum … you’re changing things already. It’s going to be alright.”

It was nearly a half an hour before Severus finally calmed down and let her go, laying back on the bed breathing evenly. He stared at the wall ahead of him, feeling a bit more relaxed since calming down, but also feeling a bit embarrassed. “I'm sorry.” 

Lily shook her head, taking his hand in hers and gently kissing it. “Don’t be. It’s okay.”

“How long was I asleep for?” Severus asked, unsure of what time he fell asleep at nor what time it was now. 

Lily glanced at her watch. “Roughly three hours … It’s about ten p.m. now. The healers said it would take your body awhile to get used to being awake.”

“Can you help me up?” He asked, “Actually … Is your dad here?”

“Yeah,” Lily answered. “He's down in the cafeteria. Why do you ask?”

“I …” His face reddened slightly. “I have to go to the bathroom.” 

“Oh,” Lily said, blushing in mutual embarrassment. “Of course. I’ll … I’ll go get him.” She kissed him on the cheek before getting up to go request her dad’s assistance. That would, she admitted, be slightly less awkward for Severus … but not much.

Henry came into the room and looked at Severus who was sitting heavily on the side of the bed, his arms straight against the bed as if he were trying to hold up his weight, which he probably was. 

“Alright, up ya go.” He said putting his arm around him and gently helping him to his feet. Severus was barely able to hold his weight up, his muscles sore from disuse. 

“It’s okay, I’ve got you,” Henry reassured him. “Just one foot in front of the other.”

Severus got to the bathroom and sat down on the toilet, waving Henry off while he still had some modesty. “I'm fine …” He said hoping Henry had the decency to leave. 

“Got it,” Henry said, stepping out and excusing himself from the awkwardness. It wasn’t that long ago when Heather had often needed help walking … and now Severus, who had saved her life, was just as badly weakened. “I’ll be right outside.”

Severus took almost twenty minutes in the bathroom, first struggling with his pants, and then when he was done, struggling to get them back up. Once everything was taken care of he called Henry who helped him back to bed. 

“Mission accomplished,” Henry said, helping pull the blanket up over Severus. Considering how long he’d been in a coma, Henry was pretty impressed that he didn’t pass out. “You know,” he said quietly, once Severus was settled back in. “We’re … all really grateful for what you did for Heather.”

“For-” he paused realizing what he was talking about and couldn't recall if he'd seen her. “She's okay?” 

“Better than okay,” Henry assured him. “The cancer’s completely gone. She came by to see you earlier, but you were asleep … She’s doing better than I’ve seen her doing in a long time.” He blinked back tears. “Thank you,” he said quietly.

“Good … That’s …” He paused when he saw the auror lingering around the doorway. “Good.” He said with a nod. 

“You can walk?” The auror asked. Severus looked at him nervously. 

“Barely.” He said. 

“Not really,” Henry amended, casually stepping between the bed and the auror. Which was ridiculous, he knew. If the auror actually decided to take Severus now, Henry didn’t know how he could possibly stop him. “He couldn’t make it to the bathroom unaided.”

“I didn't ask if he needed to be aided …. I asked if he can walk. Did you make it to the bathroom and back?” He asked Severus. 

“Well, yes, but-” 

“Good.” The auror said before walking out again. 

Once the auror was back outside, Henry looked back at Severus, deeply concerned. “Did you know?” he asked quietly. “That this would happen?”

Severus looked at the bed and nodded. “Yeah.” He said quietly. 

Henry shook his head. “If we’d known … I don't know much about wizarding law but … This is wrong.”

“I didn’t want it to affect your decision.” He said. “I’m not afraid of them.” 

“Severus …” Henry said, upset. “Is there any way to … Will they allow you to make a case in your defense? Or … what’s going to happen?”

“I don’t know what they plan to do.” He said glancing at Lily who had been silent. He didn’t want to voice what they were going to do to him. Not in front of her. 

“I’m sorry,” Lily said quietly, looking down at the floor. “When you … you started having a seizure and then you wouldn’t wake up, and … I called Madame Pomfrey. It’s … it’s my fault they know.”

“Would you have preferred I died?” He asked. “You saved my life Lily.” 

“Did I?” Lily asked, looking back up at him, tears in her eyes. “Because it seems like they didn’t do much more than monitor you while you were in a coma … Muggles could have done that. But we were all scared, and I didn’t know what else to do.”

“You heard what that Pomfrey lady said.” Henry said. “He was fading, fast …. You did save his life.” He said in agreement. 

Lily didn’t have an answer for that. She still felt like there should have been something she could do. Even though he’d told her the risks, told her it was likely he would go to Azkaban … she had still gone into this determined to believe that wouldn’t happen. And now she didn’t know how she could possibly prevent it. Without saying anything else, Lily went over to the side of the bed and gently put her arms around him.

“Hey,” Heather said, arriving in the doorway, looking back at Severus. She was clearly trying to keep her tone light, though her voice was heavy with emotion. “Good to see you awake.”

Severus smiled at Heather when she came into the room. “You look better.” He said his voice starting to sound a bit scratchy again. 

“Thanks to you,” Heather said, smiling softly. “How are you feeling?”

“Tired … Sore ….” He said. “I want to sleep.” 

“Good.” Said the auror as he came into the room with another, the healer coming in after him. “You’ll have plenty of time to do so.” He said with a wicked smile on his face. 

Lily’s eyes widened, keeping one hand on his shoulder, the other instinctively going to her wand. “Don’t do this now,” she pleaded. “He’s barely even starting to recover.”

“He hasn’t hurt anyone,” Heather said, going to Severus’s side. “All he did was risk his own life to help me. He’s a teenager who did something reckless, but no one else was endangered.”

“Aren’t you people supposed to be fighting a war or something right now?” Henry said. “With everything else going on, how could this possibly be a serious priority?”

“Oh, this is a very serious priority. Not one I wish to discuss with you.” He said advancing on Snape. He paused when he saw Lily’s wand and easily disarmed her. “I’d be careful, or I’ll take you in too.” He said grabbing onto Snape and dragging him out of bed hard enough he fell to the floor. 

“Severus!” Lily yelled, rushing over to try to help him up.

Before Lily could reach him the other auror stopped her, though she at least seemed nicer than the brute manhandling Severus into a semi standing position. 

“Severus Snape you are under arrest for the use of dark and forbidden magic on a muggle and in the presence of muggles. And for the endangerment of three muggles.” He said hauling him towards the door. 

“Three?” Severus barked, before coughing harshly as the man dragged him out of the room. 

“Didn't do all your research on the magic you were doing hmm?” He asked. “That won't excuse you nor lessen your sentence.” 

“Can't you do something! He just woke up hours ago! He can't even walk!” Henry said turning to the healer. 

“I'm afraid there's nothing I can do. He has authority from the minister himself.” The healer said as Heather came up behind Lily. 

“Where are they taking him?” Heather asked. The healer looked at her sadly. 

“Azkaban.”


	62. Sentence

Severus sat in the middle of the room, barely able to keep his eyes open, two aurors on either side of him holding him against the back of the chair, more so he wouldn't fall out than to restrain him. 

“Severus Snape you are charged with the use of dark magic on and in the presence of Muggles, endangering three. Your acts have brought into light a very grave situation indeed.” The minister said looking him over. “You, at the time, were under the charge of Albus Dumbledore.” He said. “You were given a great opportunity Mr. Snape … one we do not give lightly.” 

There was silence in the room, for once, before a few people started murmuring. 

“Severus Snape you are hereby sentenced to six months in Azkaban Prison.” Severus didn't react. It was less time than he'd expected. “Your case will be reevaluated upon your release, to determine whether you are fit and suitable to return to your position at Hogwarts. We will review this, since it seems your actions were meant to help rather than harm this muggle, however it does not change the fact that you did indeed use dark magic on a muggle.”

“To save her life.” Severus said quietly. 

“Be that as it may, muggles have their own doctors, she should have gone to them.” The minister said. 

“She had … There was nothing they could do. I had to try.” He said, his voice so quiet it barely reached the Minister. 

“Need I also remind you that even had the magic you done been lawful, the use of medi magic by an untrained witch or wizard is against the law and could earn you an additional seven years for malpractice?” He asked, and Severus said nothing. 

“Take him to Azkaban.” He said to the aurors. “We’ll be reviewing Albus Dumbledore next … It seems you've brought his headmastership into question.” He said finally earning a shocked look from Severus. 

“What? He had nothing to do with this! I wasn't even in school when it happened! You can't do that!” He said as he was dragged from the room. 

“Be that as it may,” the Minister said sternly. “You are underage, and Albus Dumbledore is directly responsible for your actions while you remain in his apprenticeship… You should have considered that before you acted so unwisely.”

There was nothing Severus could say as he was dragged from the room and down the hall. Six months in Azkaban … For saving a muggles life. Sometimes life was so unfair. The sentence he could handle …. But if Albus was removed from Hogwarts due to his actions … He feared he may have just doomed them all.


	63. Questionable Assistance

Lily dodged disdainful stares and ignored the occasional derogatory remark as she made her way through the halls, sticking to less populated corridors and stairways whenever she could. No use getting into a fight now. She needed to get to the Headmaster’s office without incident. She’d been sending letters, but … she doubted Severus had received any of them. Azkaban thrived on hopelessness. And with the arsenal of horrific memories in Severus’s past, there was no telling what six months in that hellhole would do to him.

She made her way up the hidden staircase to Dumbledore’s office, and knocked nervously at the door.

“Come in, come in!” Dumbledore said from inside, the door opening before she could do so herself. “Ah, Miss. Evans … What can I help you with?” 

Lily hesitated before walking in, feeling uncertain. Severus’s arrest had caused a lot of trouble for Dumbledore, and she didn’t know how inclined he would be to help. “It’s … about Severus,” she said, watching the Headmaster’s expression, wondering how he would react.

“I had thought as much.” He said. “Lemon drop?” He asked, offering her a tin with some candy in it. 

“Um … no thank you, Headmaster,” Lily said, hardly in the mood for lemon drops at present. “I want to visit him,” she said, getting straight to the point. “I’m constantly worried about him alone in there, and … If someone went to go see him, it might give him some hope to get by on. And … I was wondering if you could arrange it.”

“I’m afraid the ministry does not allow visits to Azkaban. You will have to wait until his return I’m afraid.” He said taking picking a lemon drop out of the tin and popping it into his mouth. 

“Please,” Lily said, her hands clenching in frustration. “There has to be a way. I … I know you can arrange to get around that if you wanted to.”

“I’m afraid I am unable to have much sway over the Ministry at the moment. Severus had gotten me into a great deal of trouble, and they aren’t inclined to listen to anything I have to say, least of all where Severus is concerned.” He said, though he sounded much indifferent about the matter. “I’m afraid there is nothing I can do Lily. They won’t even allow me to see him, they certainly wouldn’t allow a student to leave Hogwarts, without the permission of her parents, to go to a dangerous prison unattended.” 

“Somehow, you don’t sound overly bothered by that,” Lily snapped, tears pricking at the corners of her eyes as she glared at him. “Please, I have to know if he’s alright. There must be something you can do.”

“I’m afraid not my dear. There’s only a few months left on his sentence, and then we’ll talk about reinstating him at this school. Even if I could get sway over the ministry … I wouldn’t use it on something like this. They’re losing patience with Severus, and I must keep every opportunity I have in my pocket to allow him back on staff here …” He said. “I’m sure he’s told you why.” 

Lily’s chest tightened, and she nodded. “Yes …” she said quietly. “He’s told me.” And Dumbledore was so focused on his giant, deadly, high-stakes chess game with Voldemort, that he couldn’t reevaluate his strategy for the sake of individual pieces. If she wasn’t getting anywhere in this discussion, then she would have to be the one to change strategies. “What about getting a letter to him?” she asked desperately. “Could that at least be arranged? You … you know what Dementors are like, what it’s like to be around him … Severus needs something.”

Dumbledore regarded her a moment before you spoke. “If you write him a letter, I’ll see what I can do. Though I can’t make any promises. And someone at the ministry may read it first but … I will see what I can do.” 

“That’s … that’s all I ask,” Lily said, a sense of relief settling over her. And yet, she couldn’t wipe away that nagging resentment that Dumbledore couldn’t promise anything more … or wouldn’t. It was a strange contrast to her gratitude. “Thank you, Headmaster,” she said. “I … won’t write anything I wouldn’t want the ministry reading.”

Albus nodded. “Now if you’ll excuse me, Miss. Evans … I do have work to be done. Are you sure you wouldn’t like a lemon drop before you leave?” He asked, holding out the tin. 

“No thank you, Headmaster,” Lily said, standing to leave. “Thank you for doing what you can,” she said, before going to the door.


	64. Magic Forthcoming

(Easter Holidays)

“Lily!” Heather called from the kitchen. “Lily, I need you to run to the store for me! I need milk for the mashed potatoes.” She said shaking the milk container.

“Will do,” Lily said, poking her head through the kitchen door. “Anything else you need?”

“Maybe a chocolate bar?” She asked. “There is money in my purse, you know where it is..” She said reaching for a knife and jumped when it slid across the counter … Towards her. “Lily, I've told you to stop doing that, at least warn me first.” She said chuckling as she picked up the knife.

“Doing what?” Lily blinked, looking back at her. For a second, it looked like the knife had … But no, Lily was the only witch in the house. That was impossible. “I didn’t do anything.”

Heather looked back at her. “You didn't make the knife move?” She asked. She placed it back down again a little ways away from her and tried reaching for it again. Nothing happened. It didn't move. “Hmm, maybe my imagination then. I could have sworn it moved.”

“I … I thought I saw it too,” Lily said quietly, staring at the knife. It looked completely ordinary, and remained perfectly motionless on the counter, everything about it indicating that nothing had happened.

Heather tried again and it didn't move. “Well, there has to be some explanation.” She said before an owl pecked at the window.

“Yes,” Lily said quietly. “There does.” She went over to the window and opened it, letting the owl in.

The owl hopped into the kitchen, stopping on the counter and placed a letter and a small package down on the counter, the Hogwarts crest on it.

Lily picked up the letter, frowning slightly as she opened it.

**_Dear Miss. Evans,_ **

**_I regret to inform you that the ministry has, once again, declined your letter to Mr. Snape and any other correspondence to Azkaban. The ministry requests that you send no more letters, and wait for his return home. Please find enclosed, the package your father had sent._ **

**_Sincerely_ **

**_The Headmaster_ **

Tears pricked at the corners of Lily’s eyes as she stared down at the parchment clutched in her hands. “Damn it,” she hissed under her breath. “Did you even try?”

“What's the matter dear?” Heather asked picking up the box. “These are Severus’ glasses … They wouldn't even allow him his glasses?”

Lily shook her head, holding up the letter. “They won't allow any mail into Azkaban. How can we even know if he's…” She looked up at her mother. “What can I do?”

“I'm afraid you’ll just have to wait for his release.” She said. “I never should have allowed him to do this. He was barely able to get out of bed when they took him.” She said shaking her head.

“It's not your fault,” Lily said, putting a hand on her shoulder. “You didn't know there was any risk to him … He didn't want you to know.”

“I knew there would be risk to him … I should have known it was serious when he wouldn't tell me what it was though … Still. He’s half way through it, at least.” She said though she knew it was little comfort. Lily had shown her books about the dementors and told her all about the wizarding prison Azkaban, after Severus was arrested.

Lily nodded. “He’ll … He’ll make it,” she said, trying to convince herself as much as her mother. “And we'll be here for him when he gets out.”

“That we will.”


	65. Attempted Wand Work

“LILY!!!!” Heather screamed from downstairs. “LILY COME HERE! QUICK!” Heather yelled, thankful that Henry and Petunia were at her ballet lesson. “Lily!!!” 

Lily came running down the stairs, startled by how frantic her mother sounded. “What is it?” she asked quickly. “What’s wrong?”

“Look at this!” She said pointing to a pencil that sat on the table. 

“Um … that is definitely a pencil,” Lily said, looking over at the table, trying to see what was so remarkable.

“No, Lily!” Heather said before raising her hand to it. She concentrated on it and the pencil started rocking. It didn’t move, or slide like the knife had, but it started rocking back and forth. 

“What …” Lily murmured under her breath, approaching the pencil slowly, eyes fixed on it, as if it were a snake that might leap up and bite her. “Mum … are you doing this?”

“I don’t know how …” She said before the pencil slid an inch towards her. She laughed slightly and looked up at Lily. 

“Unbelievable,” Lily said quietly, shaking her head. “This … Mum, you’re … No one ever develops powers this late, not that I’ve ever heard of.”

“Maybe it has something to do with what Severus did.” She said. “Can I try using your wand?” She asked. “Teach me a spell. Let’s see if I can do it!” 

“I …” she hesitated for a moment, taken aback. But if it her mother was wrong, worst case scenario, nothing would happen. But … if she was right … “Okay,” she said, handing it over. “But if you set something on fire, hand it back to me immediately.”

“Well, don’t teach me a spell that sets things on fire then.” Heather said taking the wand, a bit more excited than she should be. “What do I do?” 

“Okay,” Lily said. “You’re going to move the wand in a kind of swish and flick motion at the pencil, and say ‘Wingardium Leviosa.’ It’s a levitation spell, and you already seem to be having good luck moving small objects, so … Give it a try.”

Heather concentrated on the pencil, and moved the wand as Lily had instructed. “Wingardium Leviosa.” She said but nothing happened. “Oh …” she said sounding disappointed. 

“Don’t give up just yet,” Lily said. “It takes most first years a lot of practice … Try putting more emphasis on the ‘O,’ and a lighter swishing motion.”

Heather tried again, doing as Lily said. She tried over and over again but no matter how many times she tried or how many times Lily tried helping her, the pencil just simply wouldn't move. 

“We can try again later,” Lily said, frowning down at the pencil. “I … I think you were onto something here. I don’t know if you can use a wand, but … We didn’t imagine that.”

The door clicked as Heather handed her back her wand. “Hello.” Heather said getting up to greet them at the door. “How was your practice?” She asked. 

Petunia didn't say anything as she walked past her mom and stormed upstairs. 

“She uh … Had a rough practice.” Henry said though it didn't sound like that was all. 

Lily blinked, looking up the stairs after her. “Should … I go try to talk to her or leave her be?” she asked tentatively.

“Maybe go talk to her.” Henry said, nodding.

Lily made her way up the stairs, wondering what a ‘rough practice’ was code for this time. She tapped lightly on Petunia’s closed door. “Hey,” she said hesitantly. “Do you mind if I come in?”

“What do you want?” Petunia asked, laying on her bed on her stomach, her back to Lily as she thumbed through her text book, though it didn’t really look like she was paying much attention to it. 

“You seem like something’s bothering you,” Lily said, letting herself in and closing the door behind her. Though she supposed it could just be Petunia being Petunia … but their dad had seemed to think there was something really wrong.

“My instructor called me fat.” He said. “He said I’d never be able to make it as a ballerina because I’m too heavy and my neck is too long to be considered attractive.” She said flipping the page again. “Like he’s one to talk, he’s like ... over two hundred pounds.” 

“What?” Lily said, growing furious. “My wand is bigger around than you are!” Now that she thought about it … she never seemed to see Petunia eat much anymore. Was this why? “There’s nothing wrong with you! If that pompous git is getting to you, I can go hex him for you.”

Petunia looked over at her and frowned. “Not everything can be fixed with your freakish magic, Lily.” She said looking back at the book. 

“True,” Lily sighed, going over to sit on the edge of the bed next to her. “And hexing random Muggles is frowned upon. Seriously, though,” she said, looking down at her. “You don’t really believe any of what that prick is saying, do you?”

“If I want to succeed I have to lose at least another five pounds by the end of the month or I’m going to be cut … If I’m cut I won’t even be considered to go to the Royal Ballet School!” She said her eyes tearing up. “I know you don’t care about my ballet, but it’s important to me. It’s what I want to do. It’s what I love … It would be like if you were declined from a chance at going to your fr- … To Hogwarts …” She said wiping her eyes as a few tears spilled over. 

“It’s okay,” Lily said, pulling her sister into a hug. “I’ve seen you dance, you’re better than any of the others, they can’t cut you … There’s got to be a way for you to get in and live your dream without starving yourself down to nothing!”

“I could join another class, but any other teacher will say the same thing. I need to lose that five pounds Lily … I only have another two weeks … And if I do, then I can stay on the team and I’ll have a shot. It’s just another five pounds!” She said. “I …. I can do it!” She said though she didn’t sound too happy about it. 

“I … I’m sure you can,” Lily said uncertainly. She wanted Petunia to achieve her dream, but … “But this isn’t healthy.”

Petunia sighed. “You wouldn’t understand. You got everything you want easy! All you had to do was get a letter in the mail!” She said. “You didn’t have to go through training! Or go through hours of hard work to get there … You just got it!” She said. 

“My world is on the brink of war, Petunia,” Lily said flatly. “It’s not as easy as you think …” She sighed and shook her head. “You’re right … I guess I don’t understand. But … You want this. So … I know you can do it. No one is more stubborn than you. Just … just promise me that after you get in, you’ll actually eat every now and then?”

Petunia looked back at her. “Why do you even care?” She asked. 

“I’m your sister, remember?” Lily said, sounding a little hurt. “I know we don’t always see eye to eye, but … do you think I want you to be miserable?”

Petunia sighed. “I don’t know what you want … Other than to be in your stupid school, with your stupid boyfriend, and your stupid magic.” She said. “What happened to us Lily? We used to be so close and then you started hanging out with that boy and now you’re dating and ….” She shook her head sitting up on the bed. “He took you away from me.” 

“No …” Lily shook her head, her throat tightening. “You … you pushed me away … started calling me a freak, you … You seemed scared of me.” She glanced away. “I didn’t understand what was happening to me … And I couldn’t talk to you about it, you just made fun of me … I needed a friend who understood. But that doesn’t mean I stopped needing my sister.”

“You stopped needing me as soon as you had him.” She said. 

Lily shook her head. “That’s not how I felt … Severus was the closest friend I’d ever had, but … A friend can’t replace a sister. I missed you.”

Petunia sighed. “This doesn't fix anything …” She said shaking her head. 

“Why not?” Lily said. “We’re family; all the magic in the world can’t change that. You need someone to be there for you, and right now I … I need that too.”

“Can it really be fixed that easily?” Petunia asked. “Or do you just want someone until your boyfriend gets out of prison?” She asked. 

That stung. “I want to fix it,” she said, frustrated. “I’ve always wanted to fix it! But every time I try to reach out, you slap me away! Can we just have a conversation where you don’t say the most hurtful thing you can think of?”

Petunia didn't say anything. She didn't know what to say. “As much as I hate to say it …” Petunia said finally thinking of what to say. “Your … Your magic saved Mom … So I'll … I'll try to be more open minded to it.” 

“It was Severus’ magic that saved her,” Lily pointed out, her voice full of pent-up frustration. “It nearly killed him, and now he’s in the most horrific place imaginable because of it … So while you’re at it, I’d appreciate if you try to be more open-minded about him too.”

Petunia sighed. “Fine … I'll try to be nicer …” She said. 

“And … I’ll try to be more supportive,” Lily said, meeting her eyes. “I can’t even remember the last time I’ve been to one of your dance recitals. I had no idea it was this important to you.”

“It is … You'd know that but you're never here.” Petunia said. “Even if I had wanted to work things out with you, you were always at your school, or out with him, or hiding in your room.” 

“I … never really got the impression you wanted to see me,” Lily admitted. “Every time I came back, it felt like we had less and less to talk about, we lived in completely different worlds … so I stopped trying.” She picked at the blanket absently and said, “You know, it’s funny … That first Christmas I came home, I really wanted you to be proud of me. That’s why I kept chattering non-stop, going on and on about Hogwarts and spells and talking portraits. I thought maybe, if I could make you understand, you’d …” She shook her head. “It was stupid, really.”

“That only made me hate you more because all you did was talk about what you were doing in your other world with your other friends and acted like we were just second to everything else …” Petunia said. 

“That’s never how I felt,” Lily protested, looking up at her. “I just wanted your approval. But … you made me feel like there was something wrong with me. I couldn’t be myself and still have your acceptance. It had to be one or the other. So I chose.”

“It didn't have to be one or the other! You made it one or the other!” Petunia said. “When you came home you never asked anything about me. About how I was doing. I’d talk about school and you’d listen for a moment and then change the topic back to your stu- your school.” She said. “Everything had always been about you. Even mum and dad care about you more than me. Mum doesn't even go to my rehearsals anymore … Dad thinks it's a joke …” 

“Don’t tell me you didn’t make me choose!” Lily snapped, furious. “I assumed you’d tell me anything you wanted me to know. When you talked about your school, I talked about mine because I was trying to relate! To show you that we weren’t so different, that I wasn’t abnormal! But every time, it was ‘freak’ this and ‘your stupid school’ that … You almost did it just now! And you know that’s not true about mum and dad! They love you, but they get to see you every day! If you feel like they don’t care, go talk to them about it, but don’t take it out on me!”

“We're not so different? We're worlds different!” She said. “You get to go to school, and use magic …. MAGIC! It may have become normal to you but that's still extraordinary to us regular people! Don't you think that maybe I wanted to go to your magical school? That maybe I want to be special … But I'm not … I'm just a filthy little muggle and one day you're going to disappear into that magical little school of yours and I'll be stuck here trying to get a damn A in mathematics and starving myself so I don't get kicked out of the only thing I care about … And even that seems petty in comparison to the fact that you can wave a stick and make things float, or cure diseases or what ever else you can do!” 

“I… I didn't know you felt that way,” Lily said, her eyes tearing up. She put a hand on Petunia’s arm, which felt almost alarmingly bony. “But I'm not going to disappear. You're my family. Nothing can change that. And you're wrong … You are special. You think just anyone can do professional level ballet? How many people have the kind of drive and determination it takes?”

“I … There's plenty of people …. Anyone can do it really …. If they wanted to. It’s not like I could just decide I want to do magic and pick up a wand. It's not really comparable.” 

“Right, and if I just decided to do ballet at this age, I’d realistically have a shot?” Lily shook her head, looking Petunia firmly in the eyes. “You have a shot at the Royal Academy. How many other people can even say that? So what if it didn’t come easy, so what if you had to work for it? That makes you more special, not less. What they’re asking of you right now is ridiculous, but …” She went quiet, hesitating.

Petunia glanced back at her. “But what?” 

 

“I … might know a way to help,” Lily said quietly.

“How?” Petunia asked sitting up on the bed, slightly curious. If it could get her into the school then … 

Lily sighed. “I might have stolen a vial weight-loss potion from a girl in my dormitory who was overusing it to an unhealthy level … She was taking it nearly every week, and almost put herself in the Hospital Wing.” She looked back at Petunia seriously. “So it’s not something to mess around with … For just five pounds, one drop should be all you need. But getting dependent on it is dangerous; your body’s not meant to keep losing that much weight that rapidly … I wouldn’t even suggest it, but what they’re asking of you is ridiculous, and two weeks isn’t that much time.” 

Even so, Lily was conflicted about it. As far as Petunia’s health was concerned, she didn’t need to lose any weight. What her ballet instructor was asking of her was unrealistic and shallow; if Petunia had the talent, she shouldn’t have to change … But unreasonable or not, the expectations were still there. It was stupid, but it could still bar Petunia from the dream she had earned. 

“I'm not cheating, Lily.” She said. “I appreciate you're trying to help, but … No.” 

Lily nodded. “I respect that,” she said, a little relieved. Maybe everything about this situation was unhealthy, but doing it naturally had to at least be better than the potion. “You’ve worked your way this far … If anyone can do it, you can.” She paused for a moment, then said, “Hey, when's your next recital?”

“Tomorrow.” She said. “They're cracking down really hard on us until the end of the month.” She said standing up. “I think I'm going to go for a jog.”

“Mind if I come with you?” Lily asked. She could stand to get some fresh air and clear her head. “Or is this the part where you tell me to bugger off and leave you alone?”

Petunia shrugged. “I don’t care.” She said which is about as good of an invitation as Lily was likely to get. 

“Race you outside, then,” Lily said with a slight smile, getting up and heading to the door.


	66. End of Year Chat

The months after school restarted felt like it went on forever, each class dragging on, each second dragging out as if it were in no hurry to get to the date Severus would be released. Lily sat by the lake, absently watching the giant squid’s tentacles waft through the water. She crossed her arms against the damp chill in the air. It wasn’t a particularly nice day out, but at least there was no one else out here. She had space to try to sort through her thoughts.

James slowly approached Lily, his hands in his pockets before he stopped beside her. “Hey.” He said quietly, looking down at her. “Mind if I join you?” 

Lily shrugged. “You can if you want,” she said quietly. He was here anyway. “I’m not in a terribly social mood, though.”

“I figured.” He said sitting down next to her. “Snape’s getting out soon though, right? In a few days you’re going home.” He said in a way of comfort. 

“Yeah,” Lily said, her voice subdued. She looked over at James. “But … What state is he going to be in? He could barely even stand when they took him, and you know he’s seen horrible, horrible things … That’s a lot for the Dementors to work with.” She looked down at the water again. “And I couldn’t even get a letter to him. He’s been all alone in there.”

“Yeah … It’s a lot for anyone to deal with. I couldn’t even imagine what he’s going through. He doesn’t deserve that … I mean he saved your mom’s life right? That should be rewarded not punished,” he said watching her. 

“Try telling the Ministry that,” Lily muttered bitterly. “Or Dumbledore for that matter … I honestly don’t think he cares. He’s just inconvenienced because one of his pawns is out of play for a few months.”

“I think Snape is higher rank than a pawn. If anything we’re the pawns, Snape’s more like … The bishop or something.” James said. “I’m sure he’ll be okay. The guys tough as nails.” 

“He is …” Lily agreed, pulling her arms tight around herself. “I just don’t see why everything has to keep happening to him … He’s been through more than enough already, several times over.”

“Some people just get dealt the short straw I guess.” He said not really knowing what to say. “I can see now why the guy hated me so much. I had no idea that he’d had such a hard life, even before he came back from the future.” He said shaking his head. “But it’s amazing really, that he’s able to make this much change. Just look at your mom, she’ll live for a long time now because of him. I’ve matured a lot, you’ve changed as well …” 

“I have?” Lily asked, confused. She looked over at him. “How?”

James shrugged. “For one, you’re talking to me.” He said with a slight laugh. “And you haven’t called me a toe rag in weeks.” 

“Yeah, well,” Lily laughed in spite of herself, shoving James in the arm. “You haven’t been a toe rag in weeks. I may regret saying this later, but you’ve become a positively decent human being.”

“Only decent?” James asked, his eyebrows raised. “I shall strive to try harder then.” He said shaking his head with a slight smile on his face. 

“Don’t hurt yourself,” Lily said, shaking her head. “Seriously though, you’ve been really nice about all this. Thank you for that.”

“You’re welcome.” He said. “I’d offer to walk you to the train on Thursday but … School rules and all that.” 

“I’m sure I’ll make it there just fine,” Lily said. “But thanks … You’re a good friend.”

James smiled, though it seemed a bit forced. “Yeah … Any time.” He said nodding. 

Lily felt strangely guilty for the disappointment in his voice … But he handled it with far more maturity than he would have before. James was turning out to be alright. And there were plenty of girls interested in him. He’d find someone he was happy with sooner or later. “I’ll let you know how he’s doing,” she promised. 

“Yeah, send me an owl. I’d like to know.” He said before looking like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. “I mean, you know … For training purposes, I don’t actually care about him at all. That would be … Stupid …” He said trailing off. As much as he hated to admit … He was worried about the greasy git. 

“Potter,” Lily said, watching him in amusement, her eyebrows raising slightly in skepticism. “Are you really so embarrassed that I caught you acting like a human being?”

“I always act like a human being!” James said tossing a few blades of grass at her that he pulled from the ground. 

Lily charmed the blades of grass to fly back in his face. “Then don't be ashamed of it,” she said. “You don't have to pretend not to care.” She brushed herself off and started to stand up. 

“Where are you going?” James asked, watching her as she stood up. 

“It's getting kind of cold,” she said, offering him a hand up. “It's probably a good idea to head back to the castle.”

“You're right. It's getting a bit late too.” He said taking her hand and standing up. “Dinner should be soon.” 

She walked with him, quietly for awhile, then asked, “How’s Lupin doing?” The moon had been full a couple nights ago … Though she wasn’t sure if James was aware she knew about that.

“He’s fine …” he said glancing at her. “Why?” 

“Nothing,” Lily said quickly. “He just seems pretty drained the past couple of days, like he's getting sick or something.”

“No, he’s fine. He had a bit of a bug, but it’s passing.” He said nodding. 

“That's good,” Lily said quietly.


	67. Return Home

Lily stood anxiously on the platform with her parents. The train from Aberdeen should arrive any minute, with Severus aboard, since it was the closest wizarding community to Azkaban … Though it occurred to her that it might not be as concerned with punctuality as the Hogwarts Express. Any number of things could have gone wrong. He was so badly weakened, even when he was arrested … What if he hadn’t made it from Azkaban to Aberdeen? Would anyone care to check? What if he got attacked at the Aberdeen station? There might very well have been other wizards there who didn’t take too kindly to the idea of commuting with a released Azkaban prisoner.

Henry glanced down the train tracks, glancing at his watch again for what felt like the hundredth time that evening. He had to admit, he was brimming with excitement that Severus was returning home, and anxiety what state the boy would be in. He glanced over at Lily who seemed just as nervous and anxious. 

“It’s alright,” Heather said gently, putting a comforting hand on Lily’s shoulder as she peered down the tracks. “He’ll be here soon.” Though she was trying to convince herself as much as Lily. Really, she had no way of knowing.

It was nearly twenty minutes after it should have arrived that they finally heard the horn of a train coming down the tracks and Henry looked up to see it finally coming around the corner. He glanced around at the nearly empty station, but saw a few people looking as relieved as they were. As the train stopped Henry stood, staying by the bench as a few passengers got out, joining their loved ones with various emotions, but none of them were Severus. 

“Do you see him anywhere?” Lily asked, peering around. She hadn’t seen him get off the train … And there really wasn’t enough of a crowd to miss him.

“Not yet.” Henry said looking at the train which no longer had anyone getting off of it. It was nearly three minutes later that Severus finally slowly moved off the train, staring at the ground. He looked paler and thinner than usual, which given that he had only been a hundred and fifteen pounds at six foot two inches going into prison … He hadn’t had much to lose to begin with. He barely looked up as he clenched his hand at the material of the sleeve of his black jacket, no doubt brought to him by Albus before he’d picked him up. 

“Severus!” Lily ran forward and wrapped her arms around him, holding him tight. In her arms, he felt even more alarmingly thin and frail than he looked. The bones in his ribcage and shoulder blades stood out in sharp relief, pressing against her.

Severus grunted as she hugged him tightly, his body stiffening as he froze. He was shaking slightly and he refused to look at any of them. 

“Lily.” Henry said, seeing Severus’ discomfort. He placed his hand on Lily’s back. 

Lily drew back, her hands gently on his arms as she looked up at him. He still wouldn’t meet her eyes. “Sorry,” she said quietly. It had to be a shock after six months without any physical contact at all.

“Severus?” Henry asked, tilting his head slightly to look at Severus’ face as Heather approached them. His eyes shifted towards Henry but didn’t look at him. “Are you okay?” He asked, gently reaching for Severus’ shoulder. He didn’t flinch away from him but it was clear he was uncomfortable. Henry removed his hand and shook his head, more at what they’d done to him, than Severus’ behaviour. “Come on, we’re going to take you home okay?” He asked, gently placing his hand on Severus’ back and looked up at Heather with concern as Severus nodded. 

“It’s alright if you need your space for a while,” Heather said gently, though her eyes were troubled. “But you’re safe now.”

Lily wanted so badly to just hold Severus and comfort him, but he didn’t seem to be comfortable with being touched right now. “Let’s go,” she said quietly.

The car ride home was silent, almost awkwardly so as Heather and Henry tried to start a conversation, but Severus hadn’t said a word. He watched out the window as they drove. He knew he should be polite and at least attempt conversation, after all, they really didn’t have to be taking him home with them … But he just couldn’t muster anything to say. It wasn’t as if he had anything to talk about … Nothing they wanted to hear anyway. 

Once they got home Severus followed them into the house. “You can take a shower if you like.” Henry said as Heather went into the kitchen to make dinner. “Or, is there anything you’d like to do?” Henry asked. 

“A shower would be fine.” He said quietly, his voice sounding hoarse and raw. 

“We have some clean clothes for you,” Heather said, turning on the oven to preheat for dinner. “Lily, will you take them up for him?”

Lily nodded, picking up the stack of newly folded clothes, still warm from the dryer, and headed up the stairs, walking slowly so that she could be sure Severus was doing alright on the stairs. As much as he’d wasted away in the past six months, she worried that he might not have the energy to make it all the way up.

True to Lily’s prediction, Severus stopped halfway up the stairs and had to sit down. He had no doubt that had he been allowed to stay in the hospital at least a few more days before being hauled off to Azkaban, his situation right now wouldn’t be so bad but … He hadn’t healed properly, hadn’t received the medical attention he’d needed, his body had healed on its own, and badly at that, in a place where he had little to no nutrition. He sat on the stair watching as Lily came up, not saying anything as he rubbed his right leg with his hand and seemed to be trying to catch his breath. 

Lily winced, and sat down on the step next to him, reaching over and putting a hand on his back with a light touch that couldn’t possibly register as a threat. “Take however long you need to catch your breath,” she said quietly. What they had done to him was beyond despicable.

Severus nodded but still didn’t look at her. He waited a few moments before he pulled himself up with the railing and made his way the rest of the way upstairs. 

Feeling awful for him, Lily walked alongside him, setting the clothes on the bathroom counter. “I’ll let you know when dinner’s ready, okay?” she said, looking up at him, watching for a flicker of eye-contact, anything.

Severus nodded, staring down at the clothing she placed on the counter by the sink and waited for her to leave. 

When she received no further response, Lily let herself out, closing the bathroom door behind her, and made her way morosely down the stairs. She could hear her parents talking in the kitchen.

“... A broken man, and after just six months,” Henry was saying, a barely subdued fury in his voice. “Whatever they're doing in there, it has to be some kind of human rights violation, and I don't get the impression it's likely to change.”

“If I’d known…” Heather said, her tone devastated. She sounded as if she had been crying. 

“You couldn't have known,” Henry said firmly. “None of us did.”

They fell quiet as Lily neared the kitchen, looking up guiltily at her when she entered the doorway.

“How's he doing?” Heather asked gingerly.

“The same,” said Lily said, feeling her throat tighten at the way he had looked, unable to even meet her eyes. “Can… Can I help with dinner?”

“Of course, dear,” Heather said. 

They heard the shower upstairs turn on as they started supper and it was nearly an hour later it finally turned off, the water no doubt having turned cold. Henry had gone to check on him after twenty minutes and had received a muffled, hoarse, almost forced “I'm fine.” Henry had left him alone after that, but after the water turned off they heard him go into his room and close the door.

“I’ll … go tell him supper’s ready,” said Lily, heading up the stairs, before quietly knocking at Severus's door. “Sev?” she said tentatively.

There was no sound from inside the room. After a moment’s hesitation, Lily tried the door, only to find it locked. “Severus,” she said quietly, knowing he could hear her. “Supper is ready… Do you want to come downstairs and eat with us, or should I bring yours up? If you need to be by yourself right now and that's okay, but … Just tell me what you need right now.”

Severus wanted so badly to answer her right now, but he had no words that came to mind. He just wanted to be left alone right now. He knew it was rude, and he had no idea how she would react but he choked out a hoarse “Go away.”, the words clutching at his own chest like a vice. He didn’t want her to go away but … He didn’t deserve her. He didn’t want her to look at him let alone touch him and he knew she would try … 

“Severus …” Lily stared back at the locked door, heartbroken. There was so much pain in his voice, so much misery in his every movement, and she couldn't do anything about it. “I’ll leave you alone for now, if that's what you want. Just … remember that I’m here if you need anything. I love you.”

She lingered a moment longer before walking away. Awhile later, she returned with a tray for him. Despite his apparent disinterest, Heather had piled his plate high with generous portions. “I’m leaving some food here,” Lily told the unresponsive door. “If you want to be left alone that's fine, but you need to eat something.”

There was shuffling from inside and a few moments later the door creaked open. He still wouldn’t look up at her. He knew he was being rude but … Maybe if he was … Maybe she’d do the right thing and get rid of him. Maybe … Maybe he should just leave. 

Lily held out the tray to him, her expression deeply worried. “You don’t have to eat all of it if you don’t want, but … Please try to eat something, okay?”

Severus stared at it as he took it. It looked so good … And yet so foreign. It seemed like so long ago he’d had one of Heather’s home cooked meals, and despite the fact that he knew eating it would make him sick, he felt his stomach grumble with hunger. 

“Thank you.” He said quietly, his eyes never leaving the tray. 

“Severus,” Lily said, looking up at him, willing him to meet his eyes just once. “I know right now it feels like nothing will be alright ever again, but … I promise it will be. Whatever you saw in there, whatever happened to you, it’s going to be okay.”

Severus said nothing, his hand shifting nervously on the side of the door, the tray in his other hand. No matter what she said … It wouldn’t be okay. “Sure …” he said nodding, for her, it would be. 

It was clear that he didn’t believe her, and that he wanted her to leave. “I love you,” she said quietly, before she left him alone again, tears starting to gather in her eyes as she walked away. He was in so much pain that she couldn’t even begin to understand, and she couldn’t seem to get close enough to help.


	68. A Kink In the Plan

It had been a few days since Severus had returned home and despite the fact that he was no longer in Azkaban he acted like he was still there. He stayed in his small room, more often than not huddled in the corner between the dresser and the wall, his feet against or under the wood of the dresser. He barely ate, and wouldn’t talk to anyone anymore than a few words here and there. 

Lily tapped lightly at Severus’s door, though it wasn’t locked anymore. She had still been doing what she could to respect his boundaries … but he’d shown no improvement at all. “Severus,” she asked gently. “Can I come in?”

Severus sighed quietly. Why couldn’t she just leave him alone? “Why?” Severus asked, unsure if she even heard him through the door. 

“Because I’ve barely even seen you since you’ve been back,” she said, sounding heartbroken. “Please, Severus, we don’t even have to talk about anything, can I just … come sit with you for awhile?”

“I …” He sighed. He hated hearing her so heartbroken. “I guess.” He said quietly, staring at the dresser, his head resting against the wall, his arms wrapped around himself. 

“Thank you,” Lily said, letting herself in, quietly closing the door behind her. Seeing Severus huddled in his usual corner by the dresser, Lily went over and sat down on the floor next to him, her back against the wall.

Severus didn’t move when she came in, and he heard her sit down a little too close to him. He didn’t know why she wanted to be there … Why she would even allow him into her home and it made him confused. Still, he didn’t break the silence. If she wanted to sit there then he wasn’t exactly in a position to say otherwise. 

After a while, Lily spoke up. “I tried convincing Dumbledore to get me in to visit.” She shook her head. “That was a no-go, obviously. Then I asked if I could send a letter, and he said he’d try … It got sent right back to me. They wouldn’t even let us send your glasses to you.”

Severus blanked … Glasses? Oh right … He would have received his glasses around the time he was arrested … “It’s okay.” He said quietly. He wouldn’t want her there anyway. 

“No, it’s not okay,” Lily said, frustrated, looking over at him. “You were only in there for saving my mother’s life, and I couldn’t even …” She shook her head, reaching out and gently putting a hand on his knee, testing to see if that was alright. “I was afraid you’d think I forgot you.”

Severus felt nauseous at her words, because they couldn’t be less accurate. “I ….” Severus paused. “I thought you had.” He said quietly. 

“No, Severus,” Lily whispered, her eyes tearing up. “Never.” Since he didn’t react to her hand on his knee, she kept it there. She wanted more than anything to just wrap her arms around him and hold him, but she was certain he would push her away.

“I …” He seemed to be fighting for what he wanted to say. “I felt like I was in there longer … I didn’t know day from night, half the time I didn’t even know up from down, or where I was … Every negative thing that had ever gone through my mind started eating me up until I was convinced it was longer than the six months and I’d been left there … That you’d gone off with Potter, and everyone forgot about me,” he said shaking his head. 

“Severus,” Lily said, reaching over and taking his hand in hers. “Look at me.”

Severus shook his head slightly. He couldn’t … He wouldn’t … He didn’t deserve to. 

“Why?” she asked, the hurt obvious in her voice. “Are you angry with me?”

He shook his head again. He couldn’t voice what she wanted. 

“Sev,” Lily said, looking directly at his downturned face, wishing he would look up, just once. “I’m not ever going to forget you. I’m not ever going to abandon you. And I’m definitely not going to run off with Potter. We’re well past the point where any of that could happen … I love you. No matter what.”

“No matter what?” Severus asked with a slightly bitter laugh that came out more of a scoff. “Even if I was a Death Eater?” he asked. 

“What are you talking about?” Lily asked, taken aback. “You’re not a Death Eater. After everything you’ve already been through, you couldn’t go back down that path again, even if Dumbledore himself asked it of you.”

“But if I was …” He said quietly. “Would you still be at my side? Would you still love me?” 

“Severus,” Lily said, an edge of fear in her voice now. “Why are you asking me this?”

“Just answer the question Lily … It’s a simple yes or no answer.” He said, his hand clutching his sleeve. 

“It’s not simple at all,” Lily protested. “Yes, I would still love you. I can’t help that anymore at this point … but I couldn’t be with someone who’s honestly helping Voldemort to wipe out Muggle-borns, torture innocent witches and wizards, kill Muggles for sport, and oppress the entire magical world.” Her hand tightened around Severus’. “But I don’t understand why you’re asking me this. Whatever the Dementors made you see in there … That reflects your past, not your future.”

“Does it?” Severus asked, looking down at his arm and pulling back his sleeve. On the pale flesh of his thin arm was a fierce angry looking black mark, a snake moving in and out of the black skull. The skin around the mark was an angry red, the flesh still burnt and bleeding in places. 

Lily flinched, visibly recoiling from the mark, before she reached out, trembling, to take his hand again. “Severus,” she whispered, fear weighing down on her like a block of ice in her stomach. “How … How did this happen? I know you didn’t take the Mark willingly.” Not this time. Not after everything she had seen in his past, and everything she still hadn’t. She couldn’t believe that Severus would walk down that road of his own accord. Not again.

Severus pulled his hand away from her, almost as if he’d been burnt. “Does it matter?” he asked. “I brought his attention to myself. I’m on his radar now … No matter what I do, I’m once again at his mercy, if I don’t do what he tells me to, he’ll kill me. If I do do what he says …” He left the sentence hanging as he stood up and moved away from her. “And being the age I am now … My occlumency isn’t as good as it once was, if I can even use it at all anymore … I was lucky he didn’t try using it on me when he gave me the mark! If he had … I wouldn’t have been able to stop him,” he said picking up his wand from where it had sat on the bed. He waved it at something, saying a spell … And nothing happened. He tried again, and again, and with every attempt nothing happened. 

“Wait …” Lily shook her head, stunned for more reasons than she could process at once. “Your … Is your magic not working?” she asked, alarmed. Severus was in danger, he was in so much danger, and if he couldn’t even use magic to protect himself … “And … and you’re telling me Voldemort himself gave you the Mark?” She should have picked up on that … That was how it worked, wasn’t it? “How … How did he get into Azkaban?”

Severus tried a few more spells before he chucked his wand across the room, the wooden wand hitting the wall and bouncing to the floor. “Who knows? Who cares?” He said more than asked, sitting down on the floor leaning against the side of the bed as he buried his head in his arms, his knees drawn to his chest. It didn’t matter anymore … He was a dead man. Without his magic … It was inevitable. As much as he had wanted to die in his previous life … As much as he had welcomed it before … Now it terrified him, more than anything. More than just having lost his magic. 

Quietly, Lily walked over to Severus and sat down next to him, wrapping her arms around him and holding him tight. “They’re not coming anywhere near you again,” she whispered fiercely, tears in her eyes. “I won’t let them.” Even as she said it, she felt completely powerless. What could she possibly do to keep Severus safe against this?

“If I hid … He’d find me … Igor tried running when he first came back … He was dead in a week.” He said. “You and Potter tried hiding with the help of Dumbledore, you were dead in less than two months … You all have magic, what am I going to do?” He asked miserably. “Other than put you in danger?” He asked. 

“We’ll figure something out,” Lily insisted. Though the only plan forming in her mind was getting him back to Hogwarts … But could Dumbledore really be trusted to protect him? If Dumbledore knew about this, what was to stop him from trying to send Severus back in as a spy all over again? And what if Severus’s magic never recovered? “How … how long has your magic been like this?” she asked, afraid to hear the answer.

“I don’t know …” He said. “I didn’t try when I woke up, and I couldn’t try in Azkaban … I only noticed yesterday when I picked up my wand. It … It didn’t feel right. Like it doesn’t want me anymore.” He said though really that didn’t make any sense. 

“What if …” Lily was quiet for a moment, afraid to voice what she was thinking. “What if your magic still hasn’t recovered from healing my mum?”

“It’s been nine months since that happened, Lily.” He said shaking his head. “If it was going to return, it would have done so by now.” 

“This is going to sound really strange,” Lily said. She hoped it didn’t mean what she thought it might. But Severus deserved to know. “But … very recently, my mum has been showing small signs of magic.”

Severus laughed, almost bitterly. “That’s fantastic …” He said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “Maybe she can fight the dark lord for me.” 

Lily took Severus’s hand in hers. “I’m sorry,” she said quietly. Everything about this terrified her. If Severus’s magic really wasn’t coming back … what then? “But we’ll get through this, somehow. I swear we will.”

“Yeah … sure.” He said though despite his words it was obvious he didn't believe that.


	69. Anne

Severus found it hard to walk still, but he kept moving, forcing himself forward as he made his way down the street. It had been nearly a week since he'd talked to Lily, and he hadn't talked to her since. He kept the door locked, only accepting food four times in the week and now … 

Now it was dark outside, and he had no idea where he was going. All he knew was that he had to get away. Away from her, away from her family. He couldn't put them in danger. Not again. 

He stopped as he collapsed against a tall wooden fence, breathing heavily. He looked around the empty street, not even a single car in sight and nearly jumped a mile high when he heard footsteps approaching. 

He pulled himself to his feet, walked as far as he could, which wasn't far, before he collapsed again. 

“It's okay, boy.” He paused and looked up to see an old woman standing on the sidewalk. “I'm not going to hurt you.” She said kindly. Even without his magic he could tell the woman was a muggle. “My, you're just a kid. Are you hurt?” 

Severus didn't say anything as he stared up at her. “Strong silent type, hmm?” She asked with a slight shake of her head. “Come on, out of the cold.” She said going back towards her house, her cane clicking on the tile. When he didn't follow she looked down at him. “I'm afraid I can't help you up. These old bones aren't what they used to be.” 

That seemed to shock Severus out of his stupor and he found himself pulling himself up again with some difficulty. It was nearing four AM if he was correct by the placement of the moon, and he’d been walking on and off for almost five hours now. More off than on if he was to be honest with himself. He stood there a moment. She was helping him? Why? 

“Why?” Severus asked, his throat still as hoarse as it was when he was released. 

“Why what, dear?” She asked. 

“Why are you helping me?” He asked. The woman sighed as she watched Severus sadly. 

“Such suspicion for one so young.” She said. “I saw you from my window. And you are in need of rest.” 

“Aren't you afraid of me?” He asked making the woman laugh. 

“My dear, what do I have to be afraid of?” She asked. “You can hardly stand, and besides … what would you do to me even if you could?” 

“I could be a murderer for all you know.” He said making her walk towards him again. She placed her hand on his cheek, a kind smile on her face. 

“My dear, you're no more a murderer than I am …” She said. “I can see your soul, my boy. I know a good man when I see one.” She said smiling. “Now come inside. I'm old and I’m catching a chill.” She said making her way towards her house. 

Severus leant on the fence, using it to guide himself towards the house and found himself inside her entryway, wondering why he was even there. 

“Go have a seat on the sofa over there,” she said, pointing to the living room. “And I’ll make you some tea … Are you hungry at all?” The young man looked like he was wasting away.

“No.” He said though the loud grumble in his stomach betrayed him before he could even get the word out. “I'm fine. I’ll just sit for a moment … and then I’ll be out of your way.” He said, trying so hard to catch his breath. 

“Oh, sit still and have some tea with an old lady,” she said, waving a hand dismissively as she bustled off to the kitchen. “Why are young people always in such a rush, hmm? Where are you running to, anyway?”

“I’m not …” Severus paused looking towards the kitchen where he could hear her clattering about. “I'm not running to anywhere.” 

“Then there’s no hurry,” she said, returning with a tray and passing Severus a cup of tea and a sandwich. “Unless, of course, you’re running from something instead?” 

Severus said nothing as he took the tea. He stared at it a moment before he took a sip. 

“That’s what I thought,” she said, nodding, as she sat down in a chair opposite him with a teacup of her own. “A complicated story, I take it?”

“I'm just a runaway. Simple as that.” He said sipping his tea. If she wanted to call the muggle authorities she could … there was nothing stopping her.

“Oh no,” she said, shaking her head. “There’s nothing simple about you. I can see that plainly enough.” 

“Yeah?” He asked. “What makes you say that?” 

She sat back in her chair, studying him. “You were out at night, barely able to go on but still going anyway, with a limp yet no visible sign of injury, and no cane or other accommodation, so not from any long-term disability that you’re used to either. If I had to guess, I would say you were perhaps recovering from a long and severe illness … likely a long period of neglect as well. You show signs of being malnourished for a good few months at least, yet you had the energy to try to move on now, and your clothes are in good condition. So I would say that your period of neglect has ended, and your living conditions have improved … Yet now is when you choose to run away, instead of when things were worse.” She nodded, certain in her surmises. “There is nothing at all simple about your situation.”

Severus continued staring at his cup, turning the spoon in it a moment before he spoke again. “You don't know anything about me ...” He said but he couldn't deny she was right. If she wasn't so very clearly Muggle he’d accuse her of using Legilimancy. No witch could fake being a Muggle so well, not even Lily and she was Muggleborn. 

“Not directly, no,” the old woman acknowledged, taking a sip of her tea. “Only what I have observed. There’s rather a lot weighing down on you this evening, isn’t there.” It was less of a question than a gently spoken statement.

“No more so than usual.” He said honestly. Though he was unsure why he was even talking to her. 

“Well, then, where is the urgency tonight?” she asked. “If the weight of the world is no heavier than usual, why strike out on your own now?”

“I have to …” he said. “Things changed. I can't go back.” 

“Oh?” she looked at him, her old eyes surprisingly piercing. “And what changed? Why the finality?”

“That's … that's really none of your business.” He said firmly. 

“I’m old,” she said bluntly. “I haven’t much better to do than meddle in other people’s business. But I don’t need specifics … Something changed, and you can’t stay. If you do stay … are the consequences something you’re afraid will affect you, or someone else?”

“I just told you it's none of your business.” Severus said more firmly. Who the hell did this lady think she is, prying into his business. He didn't know her, like he'd spill his secrets to her … “Why do you even care?” 

“You're a human being, aren't you?” the old woman said, unruffled by Severus's stubborn hostility. “That seems reason enough to care, don't you think?”

Severus didn't say anything as he sipped his tea. He should have kept going … “It would affect someone else …” he said after a long pause. “Someone I care about.” 

“I see,” she nodded, not sounding overly surprised. “And … I suppose you think you’ll place some kind of burden on this person by staying? Some danger, perhaps?”

“Look, I don’t really want to talk about it. I don’t know you.” He said. 

She was quiet for a moment, then gestured over to a black and silver cane propped up by the fireplace. “That belonged to my husband,” she said, as if the conversation had led there naturally. “He took a bullet in the leg during the war… He was half French, you see, and fluent, so he went back into occupied France to spy on the Germans and work secretly with the French resistance. Not that he told me any of this, of course. He left me in London, where he thought I would be safe… But the bombing changed that, of course.” She pulled back at her collar, revealing a nasty burn scar on the side of her neck. “One of the bombs fell on our apartment. I barely made it out.” 

Severus looked at her confused. It was an odd change in topic and he couldn’t help but wonder why she was telling him this. 

“My husband believed,” she said pointedly, leaning forward and putting down her teacup, as if reaching a solemn point. “That keeping me as far from him as possible, keeping me in the dark on whether he was dead or alive, would somehow protect me … But all it did was keep us apart and isolated when we needed each other most.”

Severus stared down at his tea cup, realising what she was getting at. “Why are you telling me this?” He asked glancing up at her. 

“Because,” she said, her voice softening a little at the look on Severus's face. “You have the look of a man who is out to tackle the world’s burdens alone … And you don't have to. There's no good in avoiding your loved ones to keep them out of danger, or to avoid burdening them. Danger and burdens come to us all. There's no escaping that. But having someone at your side to face them with …” She nodded. “That's what makes them easier to bear, and makes them worth bearing in the first place.”

“But what if you know it would keep them safe … by staying away?” He asked. 

“Do you know that?” she asked, watching his face closely. “With absolute certainty?”

“I …” Severus paused. Would it keep her safe? “I don't know.” He said. 

“Then maybe you should consult her before making decisions for her, hmm?” she said, not unkindly. 

“I can’t …” He said. “She wouldn’t understand.” 

“What wouldn't she understand?” she said, picking up her cup again before taking another quiet sip of tea, watching Severus with a contemplative gaze. 

“Why I have to leave.” He said quietly. But the more he thought about what she was saying, the less he was convinced that it was the right thing to do. But without his magic … what could he do to protect her? If anything, he'd be in the way. 

“Talk to her,” she said gently. “And, more importantly perhaps, listen to her. She may have a thing or two that you need to understand as well.”

“I understand fully … She doesn't understand … you don't understand.” Severus said shaking his head. But he couldn't help but think about what she'd told him. If he was gone, and Lily was hurt or worse and he wasn't there … just as this woman's husband hadn't been … He closed his eyes and looked away before leaning forward and pressing his hands against his eyes, as if tying to block everything out. He was so confused … for once, he was lost … he didn't know what to do. 

The old woman stood up and walked over to him, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder. “Life’s decisions can be so hard,” she said quietly. “But you don’t have to face them alone. You can rest here a bit if you want, but then go back to that girl of yours. Talk to her. You’ll both feel better once you do.”

Severus nodded. Yes … Rest sounded like a good idea. He glanced up at the clock and saw it was now five AM. Lily would be awake in a few short hours. “Okay.” He said, unsure if he agreed with her, or if he was just too tired to care anymore. “My name is Severus, by the way.” He said realising they hadn’t introduced themselves. 

“Anne,” the woman replied, smiling kindly as she straightened. She was glad Severus had agreed to take that offer and get some rest. He looked like he was still on the brink of collapsing, but he was so clearly the stubborn type that she’d been afraid he would refuse anyway. “Why don’t I make up the guest room for you, then,” she said, gathering up the dishes and tea cups. “And you can get some sleep. What time do you want me to wake you?” she asked.

“When it’s over?” He asked with a slightly bitter chuckle before he struggled to stand up again. His leg hurts so much, particularly from the knee into his ankle, he didn’t want to stand. He couldn’t wait to lay down, rest, maybe he should have waited a few more days. He may have made it farther. Still … The woman was right. What good was he doing walking away from Lily? She already had connections to him if anyone were to go after him … They’d go after her anyway. And even if she knew where he was … He knew she would never give him up. 

“Hmm …” Anne muttered at the way Severus struggled to stand. “Let me see what I can do about that …” She bustled over to a hall closet, returning with an antique carved walking cane, which she handed to him. “See if that helps you any. It was my husbands,” she added by way of explanation, before leading the way to the guest room. “This way,” she said, opening the door on a clean, tidy little room. “What with the state you’re in, you can sleep past noon if you like, and I won’t judge you for it.”

Severus looked at the cane she’d handed him. It was old, but well cared for with a black finish on it. He felt like resting it against the couch, making it on his own, but his leg protested sharply and he felt like he was going to fall. He placed the bottom of the cane against the floor and used it to make his way after her, leaning on it and was surprised to find the pain in his leg, not gone, it was still severe but … Not nearly as much as it had been. 

“Let me get you some more pillows …” Anne said, going over to a large wardrobe and pulling out a few fluffy pillows and some extra blankets, before carrying them over to the bed. “Bathroom’s across the hall,” she told him. “Now, you let me know if you need anything, alright?”

“I don’t understand why you’re doing this for me.” He said sitting on the bed and resting the cane against the dresser. “But … Thank you. I don’t deserve your kindness. Or anyone’s for that matter.” 

Anne shook her head. “Everyone needs a little kindness now and then,” she said, before going to the door. “Get some sleep. Whatever you’re going through, things may look a little more manageable in the morning.” She let herself out, closing the door quietly behind her.


	70. Staying for now

Severus came down the stairs, near two PM and saw Anne sitting in the living room. “You didn’t wake me up.” He said quietly, coming into the living room and stood there awkwardly a moment. “I … Suppose I should go.” He said resting the cane against the well worn armchair. “Thank you for helping me.” 

Anne looked up at him. “Take the cane with you,” she said. “You need it, and it’s not being used around here anyway, just collecting dust.”

“But it was your husband's.” He said looking at her. “I can’t take this from you.” He said shaking his head. “If I actually need one I … I can get one myself.” He said, though he wasn’t sure how. He had no job anymore … No way of earning money, and there was no way he would ask the Evans’ to spend more money on him. 

“Oh, nonsense,” Anne said. “He would have preferred for it to go to someone who needs it. And I have plenty of mementos around the house, I assure you … You just count yourself lucky that you were too exhausted for me to drag out the photo albums.”

Severus laughed slightly, probably the first honest smile he’d had in awhile. 

“Now,” she said, standing up. “Do you want something to eat before you leave? Though I must say, I’m hardly sure whether to offer you breakfast or lunch.”

“I’ll be fine. I think … I think I should go home.” He said. No doubt Lily and her family were worried about him, possibly out looking for him. He knew it would happen, but he also knew when he’d left they would give up … When they couldn’t find him. 

“That seems like a wise choice to me,” Anne said, nodding. “You sit down with that girl of yours, talk things out. And if you ever need anything, you know where to find me.”

Severus nodded. “Thank you.” He said quietly before heading towards the door. 

“Hey.” She said getting up and heading to the closet where she'd pulled out the cane from. “It's getting chilly out.” She said pulling out a black wool coat and handing it to him. 

Severus wanted to argue but at this point he knew she wouldn't accept it. He looked at the jacket a moment before he rested the cane against the wall. He took the coat and pulled it on. “Thank you.” He said picking up the cane again, leaning on it. 

“You take care of yourself, now,” she said with a warm smile. “And if you have any more terrible ideas, stop by and I’ll talk you out of it again. We old folks are good at that.”

\---

Lily was pacing incessantly. She’d been frantic since early this morning. “Where could he have gone?” she asked. They’d already been up and down the street, and the next few over, multiple times looking for him. On top of that, Heather had been telephoning neighbors who might have seen him about, but there was still no sign of him. “He can’t have gotten far, he could barely even walk …”

This was her fault. She should have kept a closer eye on him, especially when he’d started going on about how she wasn’t safe near him. She should have known he would try something insane like this. And now, he was out there, still incredibly weakened, unable to defend himself from an angry dog, let alone any Death Eaters who might deign to check up on him.

“I’m sure he’ll be back,” Heather said, though she sounded far from certain. “He’s stubborn, but once he realizes he can’t make it much further, he’ll come back.”

Just as she spoke the front door clicked open, and Heather looked up to see Severus walk in the door. “Severus.” She said standing. 

Lily ran over to him and threw her arms around him. “Where were you?” she demanded, looking up at him. “We were worried sick! Anything could have happened!”

He groaned as Lily practically collided with him, her arms wrapping around him. “Sorry.” He said quietly. 

“Henry should be back soon.” Heather said approaching behind Lily. “We were all worried about you.” 

Lily pulled back from him, realizing she was holding him a little too tightly. She glanced down, frowning slightly. “Where did the walking stick come from?” she asked. It was a nice one, antique looking, intricately carved. “And the jacket?”

“Anne gave it to me.” He said with a shrug. “Said I needed it more than she did. She's this old lady I met a ways down the street.” He said before he realised how that sounded. “For clarification it’s not her cane …” he said. “She just had it.” 

“Well, I’m glad you found somewhere safe to stay for the night,” Heather said, relief clear in her voice. “I do wish you’d called to let us know you were okay, though. Have you eaten?”

Lily looked up at Severus, watching him, wondering whether they were going to talk about why he had left, whether he was really staying, or if he planned to try to set off on his own again as soon as he was stronger.

Severus looked up at Heather and shook his head. “No.” He said glancing at the clock and seeing it was now almost three. He hoped they’d at least eaten. Knowing Lily he doubted she had. 

“To the kitchen!” Lily declared, heading that direction. “And you are going to eat with us like a normal person, no arguing.”

“Yes, mum.” He said shaking his head as he followed her, his cane making little noise on the floor as he walked and he was embarrassed that he needed it. “I know I don't have a right to ask you for a favour but … would you be able to contact Dumbledore for me?” He asked as he reached the kitchen and sat down at the island. “I need to speak with him.” 

Lily looked up at him, her expression inquisitive, yet mildly apprehensive, and then nodded, crossing her arms. “I’ll contact him,” she said, trying to read his intent in his dark eyes. “But what do you need from him? And can I give him a piece of mind while we’re at it?”

“I'd rather you didn't, and the matter is personal.” He said. “If you don't want to do it, I'll find another way.” He said as Heather brought him a plate full of food, the plate sliding across the table towards him as if by magic. Severus stared at the plate a moment, before glancing at Heather and looking back down at the food again. Right … Heather could use magic … He sighed as he picked up his fork and started picking at his eggs. At least she would live … it was a small price to pay for that. Well, no it was a large price to pay, since his life was pretty much now forfeit. But he was still glad she would live … He wouldn't change that to get his magic back. 

Lily saw the way he looked down at his plate, and she winced. Sitting down across from him, she shook her head. “I said I would be willing to do it,” she reassured him. “It's just … After the way he turned his back on you … Whatever it is you want to ask him for, are you sure you even trust him with it?”

“I don't really have a choice in the matter …” he said, hating that this is what was becoming of his life again. He'd had no choice before, and he had no choice now. It seemed, his life was doomed to be repeated. He couldn't change everything … as if fate was making it all happen … and he was the one drawing the short sticks on each decision it made. 

“Severus,” Lily said cautiously. She didn't like that lingering look of despair in his eyes. Hue had just tried to do something rash and stupid last night already. She didn't put it past him to do something equally desperate again. “I'm going to need to know what this is about.” She looked directly at him, meeting his eyes with a steady gaze. “Don't keep me in the dark. Not again.” There was a definite twinge of hurt in her voice. 

“I won't …” he said honestly, and he knew he wouldn't. “But I have to talk to him first …” 

Lily nodded solemnly, sipping at a cup of tea that had sat there neglected while she worried and paced and panicked about Severus’s whereabouts. She looked down at it, frowning in suspicion when she realized it was still warm, and then glanced over at her mother. Most likely she had kept heating it up for her. “Alright,” Lily sighed resignedly. “But just don’t do or say or decide anything selfless and idiotic, okay?”

“I won’t.” He said. “At least not without telling you first.” He said, though to be honest he wasn’t sure what she meant by selfless and idiotic. No matter what he did his decisions seemed to be idiotic even if he had thought them through, and he was, and always had been, far from selfless. 

Lily sipped her tea in silence for a long moment, before looking up at Severus again. “Why did you leave last night?” she asked quietly. “I mean … Where were you even going to go?”

Severus glanced up at Heather who had no idea what was going on with him. “I just … I thought it would be better.” He said with a slight shrug. “I didn’t really know where I was going to go but …” 

“But you thought I would be okay with not knowing? That any of us would be okay with that? You have people who care about you now, Severus. You don't just get to decide we’re better off without you and take off without even saying goodbye …” She shook her head, following Severus's gaze to her mother. She took a deep breath, trying to calm herself, and said, “We’ll talk about this more later, but … Just please promise me you will never do anything like that ever again?”

Severus didn't say anything as he picked at his food. He couldn't promise something he couldn't keep but for now he was staying. 

Lily’s eyes looked hurt as she watched him across the table, but she left the matter alone for the moment and let him eat. There was so much that they just couldn’t discuss in front of her mother, things that would terrify her or make her feel guilty or involve her needlessly in this whole, dangerous mess … Though in a way, she was already involved, even if for now it was only tangentially.


	71. I wouldn't do that to you!

Severus groaned as he sat down on the bed, resting his cane against the side dresser, looking up at Lily. “I have no doubt you have a choice few words you were holding back in front of your mother.” 

“You could say that,” Lily said, crossing her arms and staring down at him. “I suppose you thought you were somehow protecting me by running off like that? Never mind that you were completely defenseless on your own, with no magic, and barely even able to walk? How exactly was I supposed to feel about you setting off with nowhere to go, and knowing full well that you were likely to get yourself killed?”

“I figured you would have given up eventually. Moved on.” He said staring at the floor. “You don't need me … especially now. You'd be safer if I wasn't here.” 

“God damn it, Severus!” she yelled, stomping her foot with anger, the first threat of tears gleaming in her eyes. “How would you feel if I said something like that to you!? If I did something like that? Would you feel okay? Would you feel safer? Would you just ‘give up’ and ‘move on’? I love you! I care about you! What part of that is suddenly so hard to understand!?”  
“Quite a bit of it actually.” He said. “Why are you still with me? You have every reason to leave me … I’m ugly and sickly looking which is the least of the issues … I have no magic, I can’t do anything for this war anymore, I’m entirely useless and on top of that, I’m a death eater and likely to be dead in the next few months!” 

“Why would I love you any less now than I did before?” Lily asked, shaking her head, the tears starting to fall despite her most stubborn endeavors to keep them back. Looking back at him, stronger than the anger and the hurt, her eyes were full of fear. “I can’t lose you, Sev, not again,” she protested, thinking back to all of those days and nights spent lingering hopelessly by his hospital bed at St. Mungo’s, all of those months left in limbo, unable to reach him in Azkaban, unable to even find out if he was alright, and now this … “Please …” she whispered, looking away. “I can’t.”

“You’d be fine … I know you would be.” He said. “Would it be easier if I made you angry? If you were the one who left? If I called you a mudblood again, would you leave?” He asked, looking up at her. “After all that’s what’s going to be expected of me now.” He said rolling up his sleeve and showing her the dark mark. “What do you think is going to happen?” He asked. “Either I’m going to be expected to stand by and watch people kill innocent muggles, or I’m going to be expected to do so myself … To torture and kill innocent people because of something that was forced on me … My other option is I can refuse and he’ll kill me, which is more likely because I can’t use magic, in case that was forgotten. Either way, I’m going to be out of your life by your choice … Can you really stand to be with me … When I walk out that door at night and you know I could be going to kill an innocent child? A woman? Her husband?” 

“Stop it!” Lily shouted, panic rising up in her like vomit. She was shaking. “You’re not going to do that this time, you know you’re not going to, so just … just stop! And stop telling me you know I would be fine, because you very clearly don’t! How dare you presume to make that decision for me! How dare you try to tell me what to feel! If you wanted me to get over losing you, as if you were nothing to me, then you should never have bothered trying to start a relationship with me! But it’s too late now; I love you, and you don’t get to take that back. I have as much right to try to protect you and keep you safe and be there for you as you do … And it’s tearing me apart that you won’t let me!”

“You can’t help me now …. ‘You’re not going to do that this time’?” He asked quoting her. “You don’t get it! I … HAVE … NO …. CHOICE!” He said. “Those are my options right now, kill, or be killed. And I don’t want you seeing either … I thought things would be different when I started a relationship with you but I never saw this coming!” He said waving his arm at her as if to accentuate the fact as if she hadn’t seen it already. “What do you want me to do? Huh?” He asked sounding desperate. “Because if you have a better idea, I’m all for it!” 

“I don’t know!” Lily shouted, her hands clenched into fists at her sides. “But there has to be a better way than going off alone when you can’t even defend yourself! If we just sit down and talk about this like rational human beings, maybe we can come up with something, but I’m not letting you face this alone! So get that idea out of your head right now, because I am not letting you just skulk off on your own to die! And you can damned well forget your idiotic notion that you would be doing me any favours by leaving!”

“It’s not an idiotic notion when it’s a fact. So let’s sit down like adults then, and make some kind of plan, because other than the two options I’ve mentioned I see no others …” 

“You still don’t get it, do you?” Lily whispered, looking down at the floor and shaking her head, but she still wiped the tears away as well as she could, and went over to sit on the bed next to him. After a moment of trying to steady her breathing, she looked up at him. “To start with … What were you planning on saying to Dumbledore? Tell me that, and we’ll go from there.”

“I was going to show him my dark mark …” He said. “Ask him to allow me back into the school. It’s not going to hurt to try but I’m going to assume that’s a no … Or he’ll allow me on the condition I become a spy again …” 

“I think … asking Dumbledore to let you back into the school is a good idea,” Lily said cautiously. “But … You can’t become a spy again. Dumbledore may be the best able to protect you, but if he sends you off as a spy …” Lily shook her head, shuddering at the memory of those horrible moments he had shown her. “That’s not protection. It still might be enough, though, that you have knowledge no one else does … That still gives him a potential edge that he can’t get any other way … So remind him of that. See if you can get him to let you come back for that reason alone.”

“There’s no sense in talking about this until I talk to him. I’m pretty good at working the old man, I’ve worked with him long enough to know him better than he thinks I do …” He said. “If I play my cards right … Maybe he’ll let me come back. But even if I didn’t become a spy, if I get summoned by the Dark Lord, I’d have to go.” 

“And how would you even go to him?” Lily pointed out. “You can’t Apparate. But if you’re at Hogwarts and you don’t answer the summons … It would be significantly more difficult for him to get to you. If he finds out your magic is gone, it won’t matter anymore if you’ve obeyed him or not … The best course of action may be to stay as far away from him as possible.”

“That’s not entirely possible. The mark burns … If it’s ignored too long, it starts to bleed. Igor had ignored it for long he’d almost lost his arm before they killed him. They found a way to get to him, and I can’t stay in that school forever, IF Dumbledore even allows me back.” 

“There has to be a way to prevent that,” Lily insisted, the fear gripping at her chest starting to transform into a fierce determination. “Maybe no one’s ever come up with anything before, but … It wouldn’t be the first time you’ve accomplished something completely impossible. If we could find some way to numb or block the effects of the Dark Mark, then we could figure out the rest from there.”

“I’ve spent almost seventeen years trying to do just that … With my magic.” He said, sounding defeated more than anything. “I just …” Severus sighed as he rested his head in his hands. He couldn’t believe this was happening. 

Lily wrapped her arms around Severus’ painfully thin form and just held him tight. “We’ll figure something out … Talk to Dumbledore first, and we’ll figure out what to do from there,” she said insistently. “Just … Whatever happens, we can face it together.”

Severus took a deep, shuddering breath and nodded. “You’re so stubborn. It’s going to get you killed.” He said, pulling his hands away from his face and looking up at her. “I can’t lose you again.” He said leaning forward and kissing her. 

Still holding him tight, Lily’s fear started to subside into a background sense of dread as she kissed him. When they broke the kiss, she looked firmly into his dark eyes. “I can’t lose you either,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper. “Just … Try to remember that next time you think you need to go off on your own to protect me. You wouldn’t want me to do something like that, so … So don’t you do it either.”

Severus nodded, tears pricking his eyes and he leaned forward, his lips pressing against hers once again, his hand going up to her neck just under her ear. 

She ran her hands soothingly over his back as she leaned into his kiss, overcome with emotion, reassuring herself with every touch that he was safe again for now, that he was here, that he wasn’t going anywhere, that everything was going to be alright … somehow. As long as they could get through this together, it was better than losing him. He had already been through so much, suffered so much just for trying to help her and her family … It was time he let her be here for him.

Severus couldn't help himself as he pressed his mouth harder against hers, deepening the kiss as he pushed her back onto the bed below him. He continued kissing her and shifted slightly before he hissed, breaking the kiss and groaned moving painfully to lay on the bed next to her, his leg hurting. 

“Are you alright?” Lily said, rolling over to look at him, concerned at the clear look of pain in his eyes. She ran her fingers gently through his hair.

“I'm fine …” he said enjoying the way she ran her fingers through his hair. “I just bent my leg the wrong way.” 

“I’m sorry,” Lily said sympathetically, leaning over him carefully to kiss him, still playing lightly with his hair. She hated everything that had been done to him, the pain he was still in … and she felt guilty that she had let him risk so much.

“You have no reason to be sorry.” He said leaning up and kissing her, lightly moving his lips against hers. 

Yes, she did. She had let him risk everything, and look what had happened to him. Her chest ached with the impossibility of voicing that. So instead, she simply whispered, “I missed you,” between soft, affectionate kisses, before she deepened the kiss, her mouth pressing against his as if she needed him to breathe, slipping her tongue in gently, her closed eyes watering slightly at the thought of just how long it had been since they were together like this. Her hands trailed lightly down his sides, his ribs standing out in sharp relief against her touch, even through his clothes, and she ached with a need to protect him, to comfort him, to make him feel loved and whole again.

Severus smirked into the kiss as she ran her hands down his side and his hand moved to her hip, his tongue slipping against his lips. They hadn't done this since before he'd told her the truth and he wondered if she would stop him. 

At the feeling of Severus’s touch, Lily let out a soft sound of approval, before she broke the kiss, looking down at his face for a moment, before she leaned in again and started gently kissing at his neck.

“Lily …” he said quietly. He wasn't sure on what she was planning on doing but. “The door’s open … and your parents are downstairs.” 

“Oh …” Lily blushed slightly, pausing, before pulling off of him enough to look down into his eyes again. “Do … you want me to stop, or close the door?” she asked. It had been long enough since they had done anything like this, that she wasn’t entirely sure how Severus would feel about it now.

Severus looked up at her. “That's entirely up to you.” He said. “I wouldn't want to presume.” He said with a soft smile. 

Smiling back at him, Lily pulled away, careful not to jostle his bad leg as she got up off the bed, and went over to close and lock the door, before she returned to him. “Now …” she said, kissing at his neck again, her fingers running softly through his hair. “Where were we?”

“We’re anywhere you want us to be. I couldn't say no to you.” He said closing his eyes as her lips moved over his neck. 

It was such a relief to hear him sounding like his old self, without that tone of haunted despair. She kissed gently down his neck to his collarbone, before she began slowly undoing the buttons of his shirt, continuing to kiss her way down over his chest.

“Lily … are you sure about this?” He asked. “I mean … we have barely kissed since before I was arrested … since you found out the truth …” 

Lily stopped to look down at him, running her fingers through his hair, and said quietly, “I know … And I have missed you so much that it has been completely unbearable. And then you took off like that last night, and I thought …” She took a steadying breath. “I thought I might never see you again. I need you, Sev.”

Those words were enough to convince him and he ran his hand through her hair, pulling her down into a kiss, his tongue confidently slipping into her mouth. 

A soft moan escaped her as she kissed him, her tongue sliding against his as it slipped into his mouth, her lips moving more passionately against his, her hands moving down over his sides, anchoring at his hips.

Severus couldn’t help the sudden feeling that ran through him at the sound, and he felt his cock swell in his pants. He pulled it away from her just slightly, though didn’t move enough for it to be obvious. 

As she kissed him, Lily’s hands went back to the buttons of his shirt, slowly undoing them from top to bottom, before running her hands over his chest and down his sides, reaffirming with each touch that he was really there, was really with her, was really safe for now.

Severus opened his eyes as he broke the kiss, hearing the front door downstairs open. It was probably Petunia coming home. He glanced up at the door as he heard someone coming up the stairs but a few seconds later Petunia’s door shut. 

“We’re going to get caught.” Severus whispered quietly. 

Finally daring to breathe, Lily looked down at him. “Not if you can be really quiet,” she whispered, a mischievous gleam in her eyes. “Or do you want me to stop?” 

“With that challenge?” He whispered, his cock pulsing inside of his pants at her words, wondering what she was planning on doing. “Not really.” He said kissing her again. 

With a quiet, muffled sound of contentment at his answer, Lily deepened the kiss, her hands moving down to run gently over the bulge at the front of Severus’s pants, gratified to find him already hard.

Severus refrained from moaning into her mouth as they kissed, her hand palming him through his pants. He had no idea how he was going to manage to stay quiet. 

Kissing gently down his neck, Lily opened the front of Severus’s pants, gently slipping her hand in. “I should warn you,” she whispered, kissing down past his collarbone. “I’m going to make staying quiet hard for you.”

“You have no fear do you?” He whispered as she slipped her hand into his pants. “I’m starting to think you want to get caught. Or does the risk maybe excite you a bit?” 

“Maybe,” Lily murmured with a smirk, her hand gently pulling out Severus’ cock, stroking up and down his length as she continued her trail of kisses past his chest.

Severus bit his bottom lip as her hand stroked over him. It had been so long since even he’d touched himself … It was long before Azkaban, and even longer since Lily had. 

Her hand continued to stroke at his shaft, increasing the pace slightly, her thumb trailing lightly over the tip, her free hand caressing down his side to his hip.

Severus moaned without meaning to, he couldn’t help it, it just felt so good. His hips moved against her hand, so badly wanting more. 

“Shh,” Lily whispered, pausing. “If we’re going to do this, you need to be quiet.” As much as the risk thrilled her … She didn’t want to actually be caught like this. What she had with Severus, what they had finally gotten back, it was too important for that.

Severus nodded. “Sorry.” He whispered. “I just couldn’t help it … You make me come undone Lily.” He whispered, rubbing the tip of his nose against hers. 

Smiling, Lily leaned in to kiss him. “Do I?” She asked softly her hand beginning to stroke at his cock again. It had been so long since they had been vulnerable together like this. So long since she'd seen him let down his guard, even to her. 

“Mhmm.” He said his hands moving to her shoulders, running over the material of her shirt. 

Taking that as a hint, Lily moved back for a moment and pulled off her shirt, before returning to his embrace, her hand working up and down Severus’ shaft. 

Severus’ eyes moved down to her breasts, now left in just her bra, his breathing picking up slightly and he shifted again as his leg started to hurt again. “You’re so beautiful.” He said, his hand moving down her shoulder to her chest, his fingers playing lightly over the top of her breast. 

A slight shiver ran through her as fingers moved lightly over her, and she pressed her chest forward slightly into his touch, her hand moving slightly faster over his cock as she leaned forward and kissed gently down his neck.

Severus bit back another moan, his hips moving against her hand as he ran his fingers over her bare back. He struggled with the clasp of her bra a moment before it came loose and he pulled back slightly, pulling the material off of her and tossing it onto the floor. 

Looking down at him, Lily blushed slightly before moving down toward his cock. “Can … Would it be okay if I try something new?” she asked, a little embarrassed and nervous.

Severus raised an eyebrow slightly. Something new? He had no idea what she had in mind but he nodded. He trusted her. “Do you need me to do anything?” 

Lily shook her head. “No,” she said, nervously lowering her face to his cock. She didn't know if she would be any good at this, but … She wanted to try it. “Just let me know if this is okay.” Holding onto the base of his cock with one hand, she gently took the tip into his mouth, running her tongue experimentally over it as she sucked lightly at it, looking up at him for his reaction. 

Severus’s breathing picked up as she lowered herself. Surly she wasn’t going to … She had no intentions of … Severus sucked in a breath, holding it as he tensed as she took the tip of his cock into her mouth. He couldn’t even say anything as his hand went to the sheet, his leg cramping slightly but he couldn’t even bring himself to care … All he cared about was that the unimaginable was happening. He currently had Lily’s mouth around his shaft and even the thought of it made his cock pulse with need. 

Encouraged by Severus's reaction, Lily started to gradually take his shaft a little farther into her mouth, her tongue still working over him as she sucked, her hand working up and down the rest of his shaft. 

“Lily.” He moaned as quietly as he was able before he looked down at her. He shifted his leg as he groaned both in pain from his leg, and pleasure from her mouth working over his shaft. 

A shiver ran through her at the sound of her name on his lips, the way he looked at her … And she managed to take the shaft a little farther into her mouth, her head bobbing up and down on his cock, the pace starting out gradual, but soon quickening in speed.

Severus’ breathing sped up as he rested his head back against the pillow. He moaned quietly biting his lip as he felt his orgasm building. 

“Girls! Severus!” Henry called from down stairs. “Dinner’s ready!” Severus flinched and looked down at Lily, practically begging her not to stop. He was so close. 

Lily’s eyes widened in sudden panic at hearing her dad’s voice, but he didn’t seem like he was about to come upstairs. She hesitated for a moment, unsure of what to do. But with that pleading look in Severus’ eyes … He had to be close. Still holding onto the base of his cock, Lily pulled up regretfully, taking a deep breath to steady her voice before she called back: “I’ll be down in just a minute!” Then she quickly lowered back down onto Severus’s cock, her head bobbing up and down faster than before, trying to get him to come as quickly as possible.

“Lily … You don’t …” His words were cut off as she moved faster over his cock and he placed his hand over his mouth to keep him from making any noises as Petunia walked past the door. He heard her go downstairs, his orgasm still building inside him like a spring. “Lily, I’m going to come …” He said breathily, warning her. 

Her head bobbed up and down Severus’ cock a couple more times before she registered what he had said and quickly pulled off, her hand pumping at his shaft as she gasped for breath.

Severus tried to hide his disappointment as she pulled off his cock but still, he was so close, and her hand moving over him was enough to push him over the edge, his cock pulsing in her hand as he shot out onto his stomach and chest. 

“HEY! NOW!” Henry said from downstairs as Severus kept coming over his chest. He sighed in frustration and wished they’d had just another minute or two before the interruption.

“Yes, sir!” Lily called back, blushing profusely as she handed a nearby tissue box to Severus, and quickly started scrambling to find her shirt and bra where they had landed on the floor. 

“What? I don’t get a clean up?” He asked with a slightly snarky smirk. He pulled out a tissue, wishing he could use his wand and started cleaning up the mess. It had been so long it felt like it was everywhere … He’d cleaned it up as best as he could, tossing the wet tissues into the garbage can. 

“I’m sorry,” Lily said, her face blushing an even deeper shade of red as she fumbled to fasten her bra, quickly pulling her shirt on over it. “I didn’t look at the time, I just … I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for. If I had my magic-” He said pausing again and shaking his head as he buttoned up his shirt. 

“LILY!” Henry called out starting up the stairs. Severus got up and clicked open the door, sneaking into the bathroom silently before Henry saw him. 

Lily quickly darted across the hallway to her room, before walking back out into the hallway, clearly coming from the direction of her room. “Sorry,” she said, heading for the stairs.

“What were you doing?” Henry asked. “Where’s Severus?” He asked glancing in his room. 

“He’s in the bathroom,” Lily said, honestly enough. “I’m sure he’ll come down as soon as he’s done. I was in the middle of reading this book and I wanted to finish the chapter …” She shook her head. “I’m sorry. I should have come down as soon as you called.” The last part was a complete fabrication … But it was something she had done before, so it was at least believable.

“Then how did you know he was in the bathroom?” Henry asked with a raised eyebrow. 

She pointed over in the direction of the bathroom, where a light clearly shone from a crack under the door. “The light’s on,” she said simply. She looked up at her dad, confused. Had he really immediately jumped to that conclusion? Granted, it happened to be the right conclusion, but still … “Why all the questions?” she asked.

Henry didn’t look too amused. “Come on, dinner's getting cold. Severus hurry up in there, dinner’s ready.” He said. 

“Yeah, I’ll be right out.” Severus said. 

“Right,” Lily said, quickly heading down the stairs, looking away so that he didn’t see her blushing again. That … had been a close call. She probably should have thought that through a little more.

Henry was halfway down the stairs when Severus finally came out of the bathroom. Henry glanced up at him and raised an eyebrow. “Forget your cane when you went to the bathroom?” Severus looked at him. 

“Uh, yeah. I’m not used to having it.” He said. 

“And yet, you got there okay … Must have been quite the emergency to get you going without it.” He said. 

“I just … Took my time. I forgot about it.” He said making his way to his room to fetch his cane. Henry shook his head as he made his way down to the kitchen. 

Lily went to sit at the table at her usual place, acting as if nothing were out of the ordinary. She was certain, though, that her dad suspected something. But the more natural she and Severus acted about this, the better off they would be.


	72. Dumbledore's Decision

Severus sat in Henry’s office staring at Dumbledore who sat at the desk, much as they would in Dumbledore’s own office. He sat in silence, staring at the desk, refusing to meet his eyes …

“You wanted to speak with me,” Dumbledore said quietly, watching the angry, starved shell of a man before him. Though as far as former Azkaban inmates went, he could easily have looked a lot worse. “I assume you have something you want to say.”

“I have several things I would like to say.” Severus said. Most of which he’d keep to himself. “The first would be a request to return to Hogwarts.”

Albus shook his head. “You do see the potential complications where that’s involved. Especially if you’re suggesting returning you to your assistant teaching position.”

“And yet you’re forgetting the importance of my being there …” Severus threw back at him. “Or have you forgotten there is a war coming because you can still sit pretty in your office and pretend everything’s okay because nothing has happened yet.”

“And what can you do,” Albus asked, leaning forward slightly, his hands steepling as he looked back at Severus over the rims of his spectacles. “To continue to aid us in that war?”

Severus blanked as he looked up at Albus, though not making direct eye contact. There was no way the man knew … “What …”

“You must realise you will be under too much suspicion,” Albus pointed out. “People will scrutinize and question your every move. The students, even in Potter’s group that you have created, will trust you even less than before. What can you still do to help under these circumstances?”

“And you don’t think I haven’t handled that before?” He asked. “Ten fold?” Severus asked angrily. “I’ve handled far worse than that and you know it … I can still handle that group, and even if they don’t trust me, they still trust Potter … How can I train him to train them, if I’m not there?”

“And how can you train him to train them if even he doesn’t trust you?” Dumbledore asked, his eyebrows raising slightly. “How can you train him without suspicion, if there is no other valid reason for you to be there?”

“He’ll trust me … How could he not after what I’ve shown him.” And then a thought occurred to him. “This isn’t about them is it … This is about you …” Severus said. “You don’t trust me … I know you better than that Albus, you forget. I always knew how little you trusted me even back then despite the fact that I did everything you wanted …” He said shaking his head. “Is your pride really worth the loss of lives that could occur if the Dark Lord is not stopped?”

Albus inclined his head slightly. “Is yours really worth the potential loss of lives that could occur if you do something so reckless again?” he countered.

“Would you prefer I had let her die?” Severus asked. “Because if she had, you would have lost me and Lily anyway.”

“I would have preferred,” Albus said sternly. “That you at the very least consult me before attempting to perform dangerous, experimental Dark magic on a Muggle. You could just as easily have killed her, landing yourself in Azkaban for life, leaving the resistance without your aid and guidance in the fight against Voldemort, and leaving Lily alone with neither her mother nor you to comfort her in her grief. What you did was foolish and short- sighted, as I suspect you already know.”

“And I’d do it over again if I had to … No matter the loss, because unlike you I don’t see people as pawns.” He said his voice raising slightly. “I don’t see chess pieces in a game, these aren’t just casualties, these aren’t just muggles … This is MY FAMILY!” He yelled. “Don’t tell me you haven’t lost anyone before … I’m sure you have. If given the chance would you have saved them?” He asked. “No matter the cost? Or are you that selfless to allow someone you love to die for your pursuits? For the greater good!” Severus shook his head, tears brimming his eyes though more out of anger than anything else. “You say I didn’t think about the consequences I did … I more than did because this could have killed me as well … She was going to die, there was no stopping it. Either way … She would have died. I gave her a chance to live! And I succeeded. I served my time, I did my punishment … Do not punish others for my decision.”

Albus shook his head quietly, suddenly looking decades older. He stood up, preparing to leave. “I think perhaps you have seen too much war, Severus,” Albus said, sounding drained, but unyielding. “Your actions could have had irreparable consequences to yourself and others … And I must protect Hogwarts and its students from further rash behaviour in the future. James and the others will have to make their way without you. You wanted to act as you saw fit, outside of my control … You have the rest of your life to do that now.” 

“You are a coward you know that.” Severus said turning in his chair towards Albus. “You told me once you thought the sorting hat sorted too soon … I think that would apply to you more so than me as you had intended.” Severus said shaking his head. “Nothing bad came out of what I did .. She lived, I lived no one even got hurt …” Though that wasn’t entirely true. He had. “I’m fine now. But because something happened that wasn’t in your control, you’re retaking that control because you like this being your game. You don’t want me to be more than pawn, and you can’t deal with that fact that I need to be. You shouldn’t be leading this war, you call me unthinking and selfish and yet you can’t even admit those same words apply to yourself as well.”

“Perhaps,” Albus said, looking down at Severus intently, apparently unperturbed by his words. “Not everyone has the luxury of being a better man, Severus. Remain here and protect your chosen family … You have more than earned the right to do that.”

Without any further word, he moved toward the door.

“You haven’t changed at all. Twenty years and you’re still making the same decisions … The same mistakes … You have a chance here. Tell me, how are you planning on finding those horcruxes without my help?”

“I don’t seem to recall your being aware of their location,” Albus said calmly. “At this point … I believe just as much can be accomplished without your further assistance. And as you have already repeatedly pointed out … I have used you far too much already. I don’t expect you to forgive me for that. But in time, I expect you’ll find yourself better off without my meddling.”

“For someone so smart, you are such a fool.” Severus said taking his cane in hand and standing up. He limped over to Albus and looked up at him. “Don’t forget that I asked to return … I offered you my help … Keep that in mind because my death will be on your hands.” He said before walking out of the room and up the stairs towards his bedroom.

Those words made Albus pause, and he looked sharply up at the stairs as Severus limped away. “What do you mean, Severus?” He asked him. “Are you in some sort of danger that you’ve neglected to mention?”

“You’ve made your decision, Albus. Have a good day!” He said making his way down the hallway and into his room before slamming the door behind him. Like hell he was going to tell Albus about his dark mark. Or the fact that Voldemort had taken notice of him at all. He’d be back to spying again … He’d have to tell him he had no magic. Even then he doubted he would allow Severus back into the school … It would put the students in danger and Albus would have to take that into consideration. Still … He would have liked the protection.

If Severus had nothing further to say to him, Albus would get nowhere by attempting to force the matter. He politely took his leave from the Evans family before exiting the premises and disapparating.

After a little while, Lily went up the stairs after Severus, and tentatively knocked at his door. “Sev?” she said softly. “Can I come in?”

“Ca-” He had a biting remark on his lips before he stopped himself. “Yes.” He said.

“Were you really just about to say ‘Can you?’” Lily sighed, opening the door and letting herself in, before closing it behind her. She crossed her arms as she leaned against the wall, watching his expression, trying to gadge how things had gone. Not well, from the look of it.

“No, I wasn’t …” He said shaking his head. “Dumbledore won’t allow me back at the school. He sees me as too much of a risk.”

“He … He won’t let you come back?” Lily’s eyes widened, a sharp fear cutting into her chest. If Severus couldn’t get back to Hogwarts, and couldn’t use his magic, there was no way to ensure his safety. She went over and sat down next to him on the bed, putting a hand gently on his shoulder. “He knew what danger you were in and he still wouldn’t let you come back?”

“I didn’t tell him.” Severus said, staring at the floor. “I can’t …” He said unable to look at her.

“Severus …” Lily said quietly, watching his face, clearly seeing how miserable he was. “He’s not going to do anything if he doesn’t even know you need protection. I know you don’t want to tell him, after the way he’s cast you aside but … I don’t see how else to keep you safe.”

“I didn’t tell him because then he would know I can’t use occlumency. He’ll see things I don’t want him to see! He’ll see that I have the mark and he’ll use me again!” He said shaking his head again. “I know you think Dumbledore is a good man but he’s not … Not the way you think he is! He’s manipulative and …” He sighed and ran his hands over his mouth. “He said I should have let your mother die.” He said bluntly.

Lily flinched at that, anger flashing in her eyes, and she wrapped her arms around him, just holding him for a moment while she tried to reign in her fury enough to be helpful. “Oh believe me,” she said, seething. “I am thoroughly disillusioned with Albus Dumbledore … But if you can’t use occlumency, then he can’t use you effectively as a spy. Mark or no mark, he can’t do that to you, even if he wants to. You’re safe from that, at least.” Though, at the moment, he was safe from absolutely nothing else.

“He’ll find a way …” He said. “He always does.” He said before he laid back sideways on the bed. He looked up at her, his arms stretched to each side. “Run away with me.” He said. “We could leave the country … Move to Canada. I could become a lumberjack, we could get a pet beaver.” He said reaching up and playing with the tips of her hair. “I do like maple syrup. Not sure how I feel about hockey though.”

“That does sound surprisingly tempting,” Lily admitted, able to muster a small smile despite the situation. She kissed him on the cheek as she lay down next to him, putting an arm around him. “You may want to get your strength back, though, before you become a lumberjack.”

“Oh yeah, I didn’t think of that.” Severus said sighing dramatically.

“I’m sure there are other things to do in Canada,” Lily said reassuringly. “And I also hear Italy’s nice this time of year.”

“Maybe Australia?” He asked. “Then again I might get killed by a snake faster than-” He meant it as a joke but he blinked as a flash of Nagini flying at at him, her teeth sinking into his neck flashed before his eyes and he sat up quickly, his breathing coming a bit heavier for a moment. He blinked a few more times and the vision faded, but he had felt like he had been back inside the shrieking shack, that dome over his head. He moved his hands to his face, moving them up the bridge of his nose, pushing his glasses up, his fingers pressing against his closed eyes as if that would remove that vision from even happening.

“Sev?” Lily asked, sitting up with him, her hand on his back. She thought she had some idea what had just happened, and she wrapped her arms gently around him. “Sev, it’s okay. You’re alright. You’re safe.” From what he’d said, she could assume he’d just triggered an old memory … But she had never seen him react to anything this violently before. She didn’t know what else to do except just hug him.

“I’m not though …” Severus said. “Not really.” And those words couldn’t be more true. He knew despite the fact that he was here, at the Evan’s home, apparently safe in his room. He really wasn’t. He of all people knew his mark could burn at any moment … And what would happen when it did? He couldn’t apparate there even if he wanted to!

Lily just held him tighter, knowing that he was right. But adding her fear to his own wouldn’t help him. “We’re going to get through this,” she insisted in a stubborn whisper. “Somehow.”


	73. ROR

“Lily!” James said jogging up to her. “Hey. I haven’t seen you in a couple of weeks.” He said being one of the few people who actually knew what had happened. “How is he?” He asked, sounding a bit concerned. “Is he back too?”

“No, he's…” Lily glanced around to see if anyone was listening as people pushed past them in the corridor. “Can we talk somewhere else?” she asked. 

“Y-Yes, of course.” He said looking around. “ROR?” He asked as they started walking through the hall.

Lily nodded. This was definitely a Room of Requirement type of discussion. She led the way silently, her stomach still in knots with worry for Severus as they checked to make sure the coast was clear and then let themselves into the ROR … which had abruptly decided that a comforting atmosphere was in order, with two comfortable looking chairs not unlike the ones in the Gryffindor Common Room. Once they were in, she said quietly, her hands shaking, “Dumbledore isn't letting him come back.”

“WHAT?!” James practically yelled. “Why not?! We need him here!” James said angrily. “What is his problem?” 

“Don’t even get me started,” she said, falling back into one of the chairs. “But he’s convinced Severus would ‘draw too much suspicion’ if he comes back to be useful, which is rubbish, and … And there’s things Dumbledore doesn’t even know … Being away from Hogwarts … he won’t be safe.”

“Things he doesn’t know?” James asked. “What do you mean? He’s at your house right? How is he not safe?” 

“It’s …” Lily sighed, looking down at the floor for a moment. She didn’t want this getting out. But Potter had proven to be trustworthy enough where it counted. And so far, there was no one else she could tell who was on Severus’s side. She looked back up at him again. “It’s crucial that no one else hears what I’m about to tell you. Not Remus, not Dumbledore … no one.”

“I promise. I mean, I have such a great track record.” He said almost jokingly. “Seriously though, I won’t tell anyone.” 

“What he did to save my mother,” she said quietly, trying to determine how to word this. “He hasn’t been able to use his magic since then. At all. And … we’re not sure if he’s ever going to get it back.”

James visibly flinched. Snape was a … A squib now? He stared at Lily almost horrified. “What?” He asked, the word finally coming out of his mouth. “He …” He saw the look on Lily’s face, and knew that couldn’t be everything. “Lily, what aren’t you telling me?” He asked. “Why is he in danger?” 

“What Severus did … No one’s done it before, and the trial wasn’t exactly secret … Apparently Voldemort was impressed. In Azkaban … the Death Eaters got to him. He’s been marked against his will.”

“He’s a death eater.” James said as if a bucket of cold ice water had been dumped over his head. “Does Dumbledore know?” He asked. Then again he doubted Snape would tell him after what Dumbledore made him do the last time. “We have to get him to the school.” 

“But how?” Lily asked, surprised that James was so accepting of the situation, so immediately on board with helping Severus when Dumbledore wouldn’t. It was nice to have that obnoxious Potter stubbornness on their side. “If Dumbledore won’t let him come, how could we possibly get him here?”

James shook his head. “Even without his magic he’s a powerful asset to us … The things he knows, his knowledge alone makes him an asset. How can Dumbledore not see that. And now with this situation … He’s in danger, he needs protection. What happens when Voldemort comes looking for him?” He asked. “Calls on him? Then what? What’s he going to do? He can’t use his occ- occulus thingy! He’s completely vulnerable in that house, and what’s worse it’s putting your parents in danger!” He said. “We have to find a way to get him out of there before they realise he doesn’t have magic, and he’s living in a house with muggles! They’ll kill them all!” He said. “I don’t want to panic you Lily but … It’s the truth.” He said thinking. “Can you get a package to Snape?” He asked, pulling his invisibility cloak out of his back pocket. “Package this up, and send it to Snape.” He said. “I’ll sneak out of the school tomorrow night, and make my way there. I’ll get him, I’ll bring him back. He can stay in the room of requirement. We can bring him anything he needs that the room can’t produce, at least he’ll be safe here.” 

Lily nodded resolutely, the knot of tension in her chest loosening slightly as an actual solution presented itself. “Potter,” she said, smiling slightly. “Of all your insane schemes, this one is the best yet. I’ll get the package to him … But are you sure you can sneak out of school without it?”

James nodded confidently. “I have my ways.” He said with a confident smile. “Just have him get on the train with the cloak. Stay out of sight. It's usually dead around this time of year. I'll meet him in Hogsmeade.” 

“Okay,” Lily agreed, standing up with the intent of going to the owlery. James might be a little overly sure of himself … but as much as he had matured lately, she doubted he was about to let his pride jeopardize something this important. She found herself trusting him. “I’ll take your word for it …” She picked up the cloak. “I’d better go send this to him immediately.” Right now, there weren’t usually too many people hanging around the owlery this time of day, so if she wanted to get a message to him undetected, now was the time. 


End file.
